Twilight Sparkle Leads a Global Existential Breakdown
I’m not sure where it went wrong, really. It all seemed so natural at first. I suppose a lot of things do…
I should start from the beginning. Hi. My name is Twilight Sparkle. And this is the story of how my “friend” Lyra and I destroyed civil order in Equestria.
I remember it had started off as a normal day. I was casually trotting back from Carasol Boutique after picking up some of my usual mane supplies from Rarity. Nothing fancy. I wasn’t being vain. Nothing at all about this trip could have been the reason for all the misfortune about to fall on my head.
WHAM.
That was actually the least painful part of my week, as luck seemed to have it.
“Ughhhh…… Oh, hi there Twilight!” said the bundle of trouble who had just fallen from the sky onto my neck.
I distinctly remember glaring at her before replying, but I don’t think she got the message. “Hello, Lyra. You’re looking well. For somepony who just fell out the SKY. On top of ME.”
She grinned and bounced a little. I remember when she used to do that in magic kindergarten in Canterlot. It always seemed the perfect combination of ridiculousness mixed with an adorable cheerfulness that no one could ever bring themselves to snap her out of. Somehow, I managed to look past the innocence this time.
“Would you stop jumping around, Lyra?” I seethed. She stopped and looked at me, tilting her head a little. I remember feeling kinda guilty for yelling. The poor thing looked crushed.
Instantly the grin was back. “Okey dokey, Twilight!” My sympathy vanished about as quickly as it came. Somehow it just wasn’t as endearing an attitude if it wasn’t Pinkie putting it on. “Sorry about falling on you. It’s just really hard to control sometimes.” She trailed off, looking skyward, a meaningful expression on her face, as if she were pondering something wise and life-changing. Anypony who knew Lyra, however, especially her room mate, Bon Bon, would instantly and unenthusiastically correct anypony else who thought so. What was going through her head certainly wasn’t wisdom, nor was it anything of significant importance. Lyra was contemplating her obsession, her long time project and hobby: humans.
Obviously, the mere idea of such a species is ridiculous. Bipedal? Please. Only Spike had the right kind of leg muscles to do that. Actually, one time, Lyra did come over to the library to check out a book on pony anatomy. She said something about wanting to research where the genes diverged or something like that. It didn’t happen. She spent the whole day admiring Spike, and watching his every move. The third time I walked in on her ordering him to run laps, I kicked her out. I know it wasn’t very friendly, but she didn’t even seem to notice. She just got that look. The one she had whenever she started thinking about humans. I think Bon Bon calls it her “adorkable face,” which isn’t doing anything to help with the rumors going around about those two.
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. Right. So Lyra was making that face.
“Control what, Lyra?” It must have been the third time I’d asked.
She jolted. “Oh. My teleportation.” She said, matter-of-factly. I can still feel my jaw muscles a little sore from the intense jaw-dropping that happened then.
“Bu—b—b—bu—but—but…” I’m not very articulate when surprised.
She just looked at me again, tilting her head a little to the side, as if confused. “My name’s Lyra, not Bbbbbutbut. Maybe you’re thinking of Bon Bon?” Oh Celestia, she can really get on my nerves. I’m half-convinced she knows she’s doing it, too, and is just playing dumb.
“But I’m supposed to be the only pony that can do self-teleportation!” Looking back, that sounded much more like whining than the intimidating stand-my-ground attitude I thought it would be.
She blinked. That conniving she-demon just blinked at me. Like she was confused. Or wondering how I could possibly be this stupid. “I don’t teleport myself.” She said, as if explaining something to a foal.
I think I sighed there. In exasperation. It was totally not relief. I was not relieved that I was better than Lyra. That would be wrong of me. Besides…
“I just teleport the Earth around me, and everything on it!” And she bounced away.
I’m pretty sure I fainted.
No. No no no. No no no no nonononononono. Lyra Heartstrings can NOT be better at magic than me. I had just woken up in the Ponyville hospital. And those were my first thoughts. I know, right? I’m a very selfless and giving pony. But, to be fair, I am the Element of Magic. If I wasn’t at the top of my game, then I needed to make sure there weren’t any major threats lurking around the corner that me an the girls would need the elements for. Did you know we had a name now? Yeah. Mayor Mare went ahead and gave us a name without consulting us on our permission, or even what to call us. The “Mane Six” apparently were a huge attraction to Ponyville, and “simply needed” a name.
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry. I do that lot more often now. I haven’t been near as organized as usual, thanks to Lyra. It all pretty much comes down to Lyra. I mean, yeah, I did most of the work to destabilize Equestria and topple the Princesses from their thrones, but it was her idea! Which I should be getting to soon.
Maybe my troubles did start in the hospital. After all, I could have ignored what happened in the street with Lyra. I could have gone about my day. Yeah. It was definitely in the hospital I made my first bad choice.
“Can you teach me?” There it was. All six of my best friends gathered around my bed, and I specifically request Lyra be found so I could ask her that one question. I don’t know what I was thinking, really. I could have just researched it. But no. I opted for more time with Lyra. Oh, joy.
“Sure! Oh, it’ll be so much fun! Just like magic kindergarten again!” Lyra was pretty happy when I asked her.
I don’t remember much of my conversations in the hospital with my friends. It was the same kind of stuff we normally talk about. Applejack’s harvest, Rarity’s designs, colts (well, five of us anyway. Rainbow always stayed out of that discussion. None of us ever brought it up, and I don’t think she’s noticed we know). The most memorable thing however, just for its sheer irony, was just as we were leaving. Pinkie pulled me aside. With the “serious” look.
“Are you sure you want to learn with Lyra, Twilight?” She inspected my eyes very carefully as she talked, as if trying to run an optic polygraph.
I gulped. “I… yes, Pinkie.” Lie number one. “I think she’s really smart, and she could contribute a lot to my magic knowledge base.” Lie number two. “Besides,” I gave her a shaky grin, “I’m sure we’ll have fun together.” And lie number three. I remember hoping that Pinkie wasn’t as good with lies as she was with promises, and at the same time, yelling at myself in my head that I was being stupid and shouldn’t have lied to Pinkie because I’d get busted and maybe she wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore and I’d have to write to the Princess and tell her that Pinkie’s element wouldn’t work, because she wasn’t friends with me anymore, but then again, maybe it wouldn’t be that much of a problem, because apparently, my own element was already outmatched by someone more magical than myself, and maybe the Princess may as well just send me to the moon now, or maybe Lyra could do it herself, with her fancy schmancy magic that so clearly outmatched mine and— y’know what, I’m ranting. And yes, this is what my head sounded like. In that one instant.
I gulped again. “Why, Pinks? What’s the matter?” I held my breath that Pinkie wouldn’t call me out.
She stared at me for a second, and said, in her most serious voice: “I wasn’t sure you’d want to hang out with her. She’s really freaky and smiley and random. But if you’re into that kinda bag, I say roll with it.” And then she turned and trotted away.
I think I stared at that wall for ten minutes.
My first “lesson” with Lyra at her apartment wasn’t quite what I was expecting. Namely because it wasn’t much of a lesson, as it was a ‘hey-Twlight-hold-this-while-I-*fill in the blank*’ session. And most of the things I was holding were apparently very important human artifacts. Once or twice, I made the mistake of looking down at what was in my hooves. I felt slightly sick.
There was a half eaten sandwich, and from the look of the bite mark (which looked like no teeth I had ever seen), there was meat on it. I thought I might throw up. Another lovely addition to the pile (which Lyra somehow made grow continuously) was a used tissue. Next to that, there was a vial of blood. I don’t ever want to know how Lyra got that one. Lastly, there was a strange little metal box with the letters “iPod” printed on it.
“Yeah.” Lyra had caught me looking at it. “That’s an eye-pood. From the ancient texts I’ve deciphered, they were used in sacrificial rituals where the humans would offer up songs of worship to their gods, Sad-donna and Justin Beaver.”
I snorted. “That’s ridiculous. Who would name their foal Justin Beaver? I thought you said humans looked nothing like anything we have on Earth, including beavers.”
Lyra laughed along with me. It was on of our first bonding moments, just like I had had with my first five friends. I wish I knew how much trouble we’d cause. Speaking of which, I’m almost at… them…
It wasn’t until the second lesson with Lyra that I saw them. My first had mostly consisted of reminiscing about old Canterlot days, not that that was my own desire. During the second lesson, Bon Bon was home. Thank Celestia. If not for Bon Bon, this whole thing would have ended much worse than it did. I know. You’re thinking ‘But Twilight, how could it get worse than toppling the sisters from their thrones and ripping apart the fabric of the basic foundation of pony society?’ Well basically, it could have happened sooner. Also, there was that wormhole. Don’t worry though; we got it covered before anypony was swallowed. Well, Bon Bon’s got it covered. I think. I’m not quite at the end of the story yet myself. She’s probably fine.
Anyway, Lyra was halfway into explaining how she disrupts the space-time continuum every time she uses magic when it happened. I saw it. Rolled in a ball in the corner. The most innocent looking thing you’ve ever seen. And the mastermind behind the destruction of Equestria.
Celestia damn my curiosity. “What’s that, Lyra?”
She glanced in the direction of my hoof.
She made a little sigh, as though remembering a lost memory that one would think fondly of.
And that’s when my whole world came crashing down around my ears.
“Those are pants.”
Twilight Sparkle Leads a Global Existential Breakdown
It's Mostly Lyra's Fault.
So there they were. Pants. The destroyer of worlds. I had no idea my life was about to turn upside down. So that’s when I asked my second question.
“What are pants?” I asked. I was so naïve back then.
Lyra sighed again. That infuriating sigh. “They’re an article of clothing that humans wear. A lot actually.” She got that dreamy look in her eye, like she was a million miles away.
“Well what’s the big deal? We wear clothes too.” I said.
She looked at me, like she had come back down to Earth, and I was this foal who just didn’t get it. “Well yes, sometimes.” She said. “Like on special occasions, or when it’s really, really cold out, but we don’t do it like they do.”
I cocked my head. I really didn’t get it. Back then, anyway.
“What do they do? You can’t tell me humans where clothes all the time!” I laughed.
Lyra stared at me until I finished. “Well, duh! Of course they do!”
“But… why?”
“Well…” she blushed. I don’t think anypony had ever seen Lyra blush. Nothing gets to her. I’ve heard her casually talk about colts in front of the colts she was talking about. “Well…” she continued, “They wear clothes so no one else sees their… y’know… private parts.” She sort of ducked into her hooves at that point, embarrassed beyond belief.
I was blushing a little too. “But… doesn’t everyhuman else just… sort of not look? Like we do?” I asked.
She giggled. “It’s not ‘everyhuman,’ it’s just ‘everyone.’ ” She corrected. “And… well I don’t really know. They don’t even know themselves, because it just isn’t done. Everyone just walks around with clothes on.” She explained.
“But that’s such a hassle,” I frowned, “To put clothes on and off like that.”
That’s when Lyra said the most single devastating line in the history of my psyche.
“I guess they just don’t trust each other. I mean, you never know who’s looking…"
I left Lyra’s house that day thinking about what she had said. And I was scarred. Walking down the central road in Ponyville, I had my tail tucked so far between my legs, it was tickling my chin. I watched everypony. I think I saw Big Macintosh staring at my tail region.
Oh Celestia, I thought. Lyra was RIGHT! You can’t trust anyone… they could all be staring… trying to get a look at my… I wonder if the other girls know about this? I wonder if they do it too… Stare at stallions all day… Trying to get a look at… Oh Celestia, I’ve got to get home!
Yeah. I was pretty paranoid. And it didn’t get better.
Upon arriving at my library, I called Spike into the room, and, after diving behind my desk so he couldn’t look at me, asked him to send letters to my friends asking they come over that night.
“Do one for Lyra too!” I called as he was leaving, a very confused look on the baby dragon’s face. You know, in retrospect, I should have remembered that he was a baby dragon and wouldn’t even be interested in that anyway, let alone because we were different species.
A few hours later, six mares knocked on my door. Spike let them in. Naturally, I had expected the first question to be ‘Why did you call us,’ or ‘What’s wrong, Twilight,’ or even ‘Why is Lyra here,’ but it wasn’t.
“What in tarnation is on your flank, Twi?” Applejack asked. A bit of an odd question, but I’ll admit I did look a little… odd.
Spike shrugged. “She had me collect all our old bed sheets and aluminum foil for that contraption a few hours ago.”
Ok, it was more than a little odd. I had tried to fashion a rudimentary pair of pants out of old sheets. Once it had started falling down, I tried to make a new pair. Out of foil. Don’t look at me like that, it was all I could think of that would retain it’s shape! I don’t know why I didn’t take the first pair off before trying to make the second one. Before the girls had arrived, I was about to attempt a third go, only this time using some books and… anyway, back to the story.
After Spike’s reply, the girls were looking at me concernedly, save Rarity and Lyra. One looked devastated at my complete disregard for my image, and the other was bouncing with glee. You can probably figure out which was which.
“Well I had to do something! We’re all in terrible danger!” I yelled. A bit melodramatic, in retrospect.
They gasped. Understandable, since I had just grossly over exaggerated.
“What’s the matter, Twilight!?” Rainbow asked. “Another horde of Changelings?”
“Another message from the future?” Pinkie shouted.
“Discord’s free?!” Applejack exclaimed.
“A… dragon?” Fluttershy timidly offered.
“Canterlot’s run out of stock for embroidered fabrics?!” Rarity gasped.
Applejack gave her a small glare. “Rarity! Twilight wouldn’t call us for something as silly as your fancy frou-frou fabrics.”
Ouch. “That’s right, Applejack.” I said. “This is far more serious. We can’t trust anypony.”
I had paused there for dramatic effect. I don’t know why I bother. Rarity’s the only one that appreciates plot devices like that.
“With Lyra’s help, I have uncovered a plot. A plot to… well…” I blushed.
“Spit it out, sugarcube.” Applejack said reassuringly.
“What’s this all about, Lyra?” Dash asked. “You haven’t said anything so far.”
“I’m as confused as the rest of you.” She said. “I was just talking to Twilight about pants when she ran out my house.”
“Pants?” Rarity asked. “Who is Pants?”
“Interesting that you should ask, Rarity. You’re supposed to be the fashionista here.” Lyra said bluntly.
I cleared my throat. “Yes, well… pants are an article of clothing that… uh… foreign… ponies wear. Yeah.”
Rarity was suddenly intrigued, whereas Lyra looked at me closely, inspecting my eyes suspiciously. Applejack and Rainbow had started to look bored. Fluttershy was being quietly polite, and Pinkie was being… well, Pinkie. That being said, she probably knew I was lying, and just decided not to say anything.
“So, anyway, pants cover the tail and flank region, as well as some length of the hind legs, depending upon the length desired for reasons of fashion or climate.” I said, as if reading from a textbook. Celestia, do I really sound like that?
“Why would these foreign ponies wear something like that? It looks so complicated.” Rainbow protested.
“They wear it all the time.” Lyra said, jumping into my speech at this point. I suppose she was in her element. “Like Twilight said, there are different kinds of pants! Like pants for formal occasions, to go the beach in, to go to work in; those crazy humans even swim in pants!” She had a huge grin on her face.
Pinkie frowned. “Humans?”
I gulped. Until I could show them the staggering problem presented by our society’s dress, letting my friends know that this was based on a mythical species might have jeopardized their believing me. Just a little.
“Yeah.” I improvised. “The foreign… tribe… are called HUMAN’s. It’s short for… um… Hoof Under Muzzle At Night. The whole tribe is based on sleep patterns… haha… weird, right?” As you can see, this lie was going perfectly.
But they seemed to go with it. Eh. I suppose we’ve seen stranger things.
“So why do they wear these pants all the time?” Fluttershy finally spoke up.
I told them the same thing Lyra had told me.
“I guess they just don’t trust each other. I mean, you never know who’s looking…”
And I watched as their eyes grew wide and they spiraled down the same path of thoughts I had. I had just made my first successful conversions.
“Ah think ah saw that new fella, Doctor Whooves, starin’ at me durin’ market today!” Applejack hissed.
“I thought some of the guards were giving me strange looks when we were in Canterlot for the wedding!” Rarity whispered.
“When I was coming home today, the whole street was looking directly at my flank! I swear!” I declared. Though now I think about it, that was probably because I had my tail wrapped around me like a diaper. Whoops.
It had been about an hour since I broke the news to them about pants. We were currently sitting in a misshapen heptagon. I told the girls I would get out my protractor, and it would only take a minute, but they insisted that the form didn’t have to be perfect. Pfft. ‘Didn’t have to be perfect.’ Of course it did.
Anyway, even Fluttershy had volunteered a tale about the other day when she thought some of her animals had been looking at her tail extensions. I hadn’t yet told them about my earlier thoughts that some of them might have been ‘Peepers’ as they were now so named.
So yeah, an hour had passed. That’s when BonBon burst in.
“Lyra! Have you been here all night?” She demanded.
Lyra sighed and turned to face her, disturbing our heptagon further. “Yes, BonBon.”
“It was your turn to do the dishes. Stop messing with all this human stuff and come home!” She did in fact sound very cross. Lyra slumped her shoulders and trod out the front door without another word, like a reprimanded child.
I felt kinda bad for her. Now of course, I praise BonBon for putting a stop to what as going on. Thank Celestia she did. We were in the middle of planning some kidnap-ransom scheme that blackmailed and bribed all the right ponies into putting pants in the newspaper. It really wasn’t all that elaborate, but boy, Featherweight would have been up to his camera in trouble.
None of the rest of us really knew what to say to BonBon after that. I mean, what do you say to that? She had just told Lyra off, and I’m pretty sure Lyra was at least a year older.
Before everyone left, I assisted them in making foil pants. They were only temporary, until Rarity could whip us up some fashionable fabric pants, to Lyra’s specifications of course.
And so, events had started moving in their course. The very next day, we would take our first steps to destabilizing Equestria.
Ponyville was about to meet Pants.