Author's Note
This is an affectionate parody of Cardinal's story, Fall of Equestria - inofficially known as the Fall of Equestria Redux story (which I highly recommend reading before this story). It can also be read as a parody of Fall of Equestria as such, and of any attempts to revive it, particularly as a setting for high fantasy or drama. Before leaving the community about two years ago, Cardinal himself had wished for someone to write a parody or humorous take on his work - and now, almost two years later, the rest of the Redux group finally decided to do it. I did the writing, but I owe the inspiration to finally do it, as well as many of the ideas to Celesticorn, Rand, BrightDawn, and a few others. Thanks a lot! Also thanks to all my proofreaders.
I'm not entirely sure yet, but this might be my last writing for Fall of Equestria. I'm going to stick around the fandom, of course, but given this, I guess it could be considered a parting gift of sorts, and also a capstone, at least for myself. Of course, if there's any interest in me releasing my concept for the remaining chapters of Freeville Chronicles, feel free to let me know. I'll gladly write a blog post. All of that said, I want to thank all of you for six wonderful years. Though it may feel like an ending, I would like for you all to think of it as a new beginning. I'll definitely see you all in the forums and on the Discord servers.
Dramatis personae:
Painn - King of the caribou
Svard...xfczsomething - Painn's predecessor
Hermia - Svard...fuckit's cowfriend
Dainna - Painn's cowfriend
Sinsei - Painn's mentor
Roar - Painn's Master of Provisions
Alpharys - Painn's Master of Science and Medicine
Vestworld - Painn's Right-Hand General
Ghey - Painn's Master of Arts
RAAGH! - Painn's Master of Diplomacy
Twilight Sparkle - Princess of Friendship
Three Players, One Deck
"Three crowns did the First King have! I must still have them here somewhere, hm... over there maybe? No? In the closet, then? Can you take a look over there real quick?"
- Dæn, the Troglodyte
“Here you go, Twilight.”
The little dragon handed Twilight a cup of water that he had just boiled with his flame, earning a pat on the head from the alicorn princess.
“Thank you, Spike”, Twilight replied, then pulled out a tea bag and hung it in the cup.
The dragon raised an eyebrow. “Twi, is this your… special tea again?”
Twilight gave him a nod. “Mhm. Been having my old sleep problems again lately.”
“Just don’t let it draw for too long”, Spike warned. “You know you get strange dreams from it.”
Twilight smiled. “Thanks, Spike. I know what I’m doing.”
Spike replied with a yawn. “Anyway, Twi… I’m going to bed myself. See you tomorrow.” He then demonstratively jumped on his own little bed and immediately pulled his blanket over him.
“Good night, Spike”, the alicorn smiled. Then, she sat in her bed, removed the tea bag from her mug, and began to drink.
As soon as she had emptied her cup, her eyes closed near automatically, and she sunk into her bed.
Painn’s sleep was haunted by a familiar dream.
He dreamt he was lifting a 500 pound weight, grunting while the plumpest, most buxom caribou cow he had ever seen was feeding him steak with barbecue sauce. A Monster Truck armed to the brim with guns and rocket launchers stood behind him. He felt STRAIGHT AND MANLY and didn’t even think about wanting to be fucked by king Svadagr’s big, long, beautiful cock while wearing a pink dress.
Painn awoke to find himself surrounded by darkness. Dark darkness. Dark, dank darkness. He knew this darkness. It was how it always began - with a darkness thiccer than even the most lascivious of cows.
Painn rose from the bed. With the dream still fresh in his mind, he felt far too STRAIGHT AND MANLY to light a candle.
He took a small step forward, and immediately stubbed his toe on something. “Darn Loki!”, he cursed.
In moments like this, Painn always recounted a wisdom his old teacher Sinsei had once shared with him. Stags fear the dark because they cannot see, and then they run into all kinds of furniture. It’s hilarious, really!
He had never known his mentor to be wrong, but this suddenly didn’t seem so hilarious anymore.
He took another careful step forward, immediately bumping his side into something else. “Ah! Gods dammit!”, he cursed once more.
A faint light fell into the room when Painn heard a door open behind him. Finally, he saw something. Shadows, mostly. They were skittering around him everywhere with their weird spider bodies. He didn’t know what they wanted from him, but he knew he wanted them to go away. And so they did.
The stag who had opened the door, on the contrary, did not. “Hello, boy”, he said in a harsh voice. Painn immediately recognized the voice as that of Svardagr, King of the Caribou.
Painn instinctively assumed the advanced combat stance Sinsei had taught him by bending over and spreading his ass cheeks. He felt his insides stir with anticipation as he executed his teacher’s amazing combat moves. He closed his eyes, because his mentor had taught him that to see is to surrender.
“What the fuck are you doing?”, Svarndagr asked.
Painn immediately stood upright again.
The king moved closely behind him, almost touching him, while another figure entered the room and then slammed the door shut behind her, sitting down at a table somewhere in the room behind Painn. Instead of falling back into darkness, the entire room was filled by a faint, silvery light.
Painn wanted to fight - but he didn’t, because he was a bloody coward. He wanted to run - but he didn’t, because he had no idea where to go. He wanted to faint - but he didn’t, because he couldn’t. He wanted to put on lipstick and a pink dress, then walk out of the room on his hands, juggling a few plastic balls with his feet while singing Bohemian Rhapsody - but he didn’t, because that would have been ridiculous.
“I’m just a poor boy from a poor family…”, Painn involuntarily mumbled.
Svarnjdagr’s cruel voice laughed. “I know you are, but I will not let you go, no no no.”
Painn replied by a sigh.
“Ready to serve, boy?”, Svarnjdagr asked.
Leaving out yet another sigh, Painn walked over to the table and placed his set of playing cards on the table. Svarnjpdagr followed him and sat down next to his companion who had entered the room with him.
“Good evening, Painn”, Hermia said, looking up to him with a condescending smile while continuing to emit that annoying, otherworldly silvery light, as she always did.
Painn didn’t look back. “Evening, Hermia”, he replied in a distant, emotionless voice. He couldn’t really say why, but for some reason, he always ended up hating Svardagr’s current cowfriend.
Svarnjpgdagr grinned widely, revealing his long, jagged, yellow teeth in a perverse display. Did he really have his teeth sharpened just to appear more menacing? - Painn thought. Gods, what an edgelord...
“Gods dammit, boy! Would you sit the fuck down?!”, Svarnjpgfdagr commanded.
Painn slowly sank down on the third chair, reaching below the table and pulling up a box of donuts, placing it on the table.
The king raised an eyebrow. “Oh”, he then said. “Eddy isn’t coming today.”
Painn nodded, then put the box away again. He then reached for his set of cards and began to shuffle, staring into the distance behind his two unwanted guests, zooming out and forgetting the time.
“Has anyone ever shuffled himself to death?”, Hermia eventually asked in a condescending tone. “Would you serve already? We don’t have all night!”
Painn sighed and began to deal each of them a hand of cards. Once he had finished, he put the deck aside, his right hand moving to his own hand of cards… only to be grabbed and held back by Svarnjpgfxdagr’s own.
“Ah ah ah!”, Svarnjpgfxcdagr said threateningly. “First, you must make an opening bet.”
“I have nothing to bet anymore, my king”, Painn replied. “You already took all of my monthly salary from me when we played yesterday.”
The white doe sitting beside his king giggled. “I have an idea”, she said, pulling out a handful of pills.
Painn sighed. “Dæna, the drug.”
Hermia nodded. “I got them from Fen the Fox. You know she’s always carrying Dæna around. You’ll bet those instead of coins”, she said, placing them in front of him. “You will swallow each of them you lose.”
Svarnjpgfxcydagr smirked. “I’ll start with an opening bet of twenty bucks.”
Hermia nodded. “I’ll join in”, she said, placing a few coins of her own in the middle.
Painn immediately began to frantically count the little pills in front of him.
“No need”, Hermia giggled maliciously. “I gave you exactly twenty.”
Painn sighed and began to scoop all of them to the middle of the table.
“Just keep them in front of you”, Svarnjpgfxcymdagr smirked. “You’re gonna use them soon anyway.”
The smaller, boyish caribou weakly nodded, and his hand moved to his cards, finally picking them up. Oh crap. He looked into the eyes of his competitors. Svarnjpgfxcymhdagr’s face betrayed no emotion - but Hermia had this soft, slightly devious smile on her face that had always been her tell.
He sighed. “Can I… just… fold?”, he asked.
“Aw, you’re just no fun!”, Hermia complained.
Svarnjpgfxcymhqdagr nodded. “Eat!”, he commanded harshly.
Painn grabbed the pills with his right hand. Swallow them all in one go? He wondered. Or one by one?
“Could I have some water, please?”, he asked.
“Nah!”, Svarnjpgfxcymhqbdagr’s cowfriend smirked evilly, picking up Painn’s glass, then pouring a dark golden substance into it.
Whisky, Painn realized.
He sighed, shoved the entire content of his hand into his muzzle, then downed them with the whisky in one go. Better to get this over with as quickly as possible.
Only a moment later, he found himself lying on the ground next to his chair. His vision blurring he only caught a faint sight of Svarnjpxcfmybzdagr standing above him, gloating, and Hermia next to him, having donned her silver daisy crown. And she was smiling.
His last thought was Who are you, bitch?
And then, his world evaporated in a blur of himself.
Painn found himself standing at the fore of the Weird Taste, staring at the horizon and the endless ocean like a complete idiot - like he was the protagonist in some stupid, cheesy romance movie.
He had no idea how he had gotten there, but he noticed that his ship looked different. It was all black now - but not like it was made from dark wood, like mahogany. It was just pitch black. The sails were of an eerie, ghostly silken white. It was almost like it had been turned into a prop for a cheap horror movie.
To his surprise, he himself seemed to have lost his boyish form. He had grown considerably in size, and it seemed to him that he had become more buff. Looking down at himself, he looked - and almost felt - pretty intimidating. He wondered when and how that had happened.
To his right, Svarnjpgfxcymhqbsdagr was standing. The king wasn’t like himself though. He had grown into a giant, black-coated monster of a stag with demonic, orange eyes. Painn wasn’t even fully sure if his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. Looking closer at the figure, Painn realized his supposed king’s entire body seemed to be made of writhing shadows. Oddly enough, he felt no fear. In fact, he looks kind of… Painn’s mind struggled to find the right word. Stimulating?, it eventually suggested.
To his left and to his dismay, Hermia was standing, wearing a shimmering white dress and still emitting this weird, ghostly silver light, likewise staring into the distance.
Painn put his hand above his eyes to shield himself from the gleaming sunlight. In the distance, he saw land - a long, stretched-out coastline with lush vegetation. He didn’t know how it was possible, but even from this distance, he saw a purple creature on the beach. He recognized her clearly, female and somewhat similar in shape to a caribou cow, but a good bit bigger, and most likely equine. Her forehead championed a horn, and large, purple wings growing out of her back. She stared in his direction.
He got the strange feeling that he, as well as Svarnjpgfxcymhqbskdagr and his cowfriend, were only here, in this weird, artificially eerie environment, to be seen by her - to make her afraid with their sight. But who would go through such effort? And how? He did not know.
Suddenly, he felt an unpleasant, wet sensation in the general area of his left ear.
“Hermia!”, he yelled in annoyance. “Stop licking my face!”
“Let her!”, Svarnjpgfxcymhqbskvdagr commanded.
Painn sighed, closed his eyes… and jumped.
Twilight Sparkle rose up in her bed, her face covered in sweat. “Spike!” she exclaimed.
“Mmmmmh?”, the little dragon moaned in an annoyed, half-asleep tone, slowly raising from his bed himself. “What is it, Twilight?” He looked out of the window. “Why are you waking me up in the middle of the night?”
“I had a terrible dream”, Twilight replied a little sheepishly. “And Luna wasn’t even there to help me.”
“I told you not to let the tea draw for too long.” Spike let his right hand run along his face in nightly stupor. “Alright, Twi. What did you dream about?”
“It was terrible”, Twilight said. “I dreamt I was Painn.”
“You dreamt you were in pain?”, Spike asked. “Huh. I don’t really feel pain in dreams. Usually wake up before I’d feel it.”
The alicorn shook her head. “No, I said I dreamt I was Painn.”
Spike blinked. “How can you be pain?”
“Painn is a name”, Twilight explained. “He’s… a king... of some kind of race of seafaring cervines, I think.”
“Seafaring cervines?” Spike blinked. “Huh?”
“He’s also a courtier and scholar in the court of the previous king… or a student becoming a scholar... I think. You know how dreams can get all mixed up with the timeline.”
Spike furrowed his brow. “So he pretty much had the same career as you, Twilight. From esteemed pupil to royalty.”
“Huh”, Twilight exclaimed involuntarily. “You’re right.”
“Honestly Twi, if you ask me, this is just your mind dealing with the daily stress of you being an alicorn princess now.”
The alicorn nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“Twi, go back to sleep. You’re just stressing yourself out over a scene that shouldn’t even exist, and was only added to the story to get enough pony in.”
Twilight laughed. “You’re right. I shouldn’t even appear until the last scene! And you shouldn't be in this at all! I’ll just go back to sleep.”
“Let’s just hope it works this time”, Spike nodded. “But for now, that’s really all you can do.”
At that moment, the doorbell rang. Twilight rubbed her temples. “I’m going to take this”, she said, getting out of bed and walking down the stairs, while Spike just turned around and demonstratively pulled his blanket over his head.”
Arriving downstairs, Twilight opened the door, looking into the wide awake eyes of Pinkie Pie.
“Express delivery from Sugarcube Corner!”, Pinkie exclaimed in her usual happy, bubbly voice.
“Uugh, Pinkie”, Twilight sighed. “Do you know how late it is?”
“I dunno, 3 a.m. maybe?”, Pinkie giggled.
Twilight let out another sigh. “Alright… what is this?”
“Express delivery of the 5000 donuts you ordered for Eddy.” Pinkie shoved a wooden board with a receipt into Twilight’s face.”
“Eddy?”, Twilight asked sleepily. “Who’s Eddy.”
Pinkie giggled. “Come on, Twi. You know, Eddy. The donut guy.”
Twilight picked up the pen and absent-mindedly signed the document. “Fine”, she said. “Now leave, please.”
Pinkie picked up the board, giggling. “I’ll leave you to your sleep, Twi. This is already a scene that shouldn’t even exist…”
“That’s what Spike said, too”, Twilight replied.
“Well if he said it!” Pinkie giggled.
“Goodnight, Pinkie”, Twilight said, then closed the door in front of her.
“Goodnight, Twilight!”, Pinkie replied to the door, giggling.
Groggily, Twilight walked upstairs and back to her bedroom, past Spike’s bed. “Spike, do you know someone named Eddy?”, she asked.
“Go back to bed, Twi!”, Spike replied in half-sleep from under the blanket.
Twilight shrugged, then let herself sink into her blankets once more, immediately falling into a deep sleep...
He opened his eyes abruptly, lying in bed in his cabin on board the Weird Taste - woken by the ship’s lurching. He felt sick.
It had been just over seven weeks now since Svarnjpgfxcymhqbskvddagr had done the most unexpected thing and blown himself up in a cataclysmic explosion caused by a sudden overabundance of consonants - taking the entire caribou civilization with him, save for only Painn himself and a few survivors. Seven weeks since Painn had been crowned their new king.
He felt a familiar form lying beside him, snuggled against him, his left arm holding her close. Dainna, Painn realized. I wonder why my dream mind would name a drug after her… or did it name her after the drug? He involuntarily remembered a parable his old teacher Sinsei had once told him… something about a guy dreaming about a butterfly… or something along those lines.
Now that he thought about it... no, he actually didn’t remember it.
Dainna, Painn thought. He really didn’t know why, but she had become his favorite doe. Despite allegedly being named after Dain - the legendary cave dweller and lunatic who a long time ago had founded the very principles of caribou society by using his own feces to frantically scribble random stuff on the wall of his cave after enjoying a particularly weird-tasting mushroom stew - Dainna was in no way extraordinary. In fact, she was ugly as a cave troll, dumb as a brick, boring as a water sandwich, and clumsy as a panda in a China shop. Yet everything about her oozed of an innocence that just made the people around her, and particularly those who took her to bed, forget all their worries… worries like weird, unmanly dreams about wearing a dress while being fucked by his predecessor. Painn was sure many young stags had that kind of problem.
...Now that this thought had occurred to him, he understood what he saw in her even less. She was set up such a painfully obvious Messiah archetype! Painn was pretty sure Dainna’s story arc would ultimately be about her naively stumbling through a plot far beyond her comprehension, then in the end almost accidentally saving her people from the darkness within their souls purely through the goodness of her heart, and finally ending up as their revered queen with a perfect gentleman king by her side who would adore her for the rest of her days - and all without ever having to learn anything or go through any kind of character development, because despite all her “flaws”, she was already pretty much perfect. Just from her character setup and introduction alone, her entire arc was pretty much thoroughly predictable.
Painn stood up from the bed. “Dress me!”, he commanded, addressing Dainna.
The doe approached him from behind, wrapped her arms around him, and tightly pushed herself against him.
“Dainna!”, Painn yelled in annoyance. “I said dress me! Not press!”
The cow giggled, letting go of him and rushing to his clothing drawer, fetching his most regal dress, carrying it over to him and then helping him into it. Finally, she gently put the royal purple mantle around his shoulders.
Once the doe had finished dressing him, he dismissed her with a handwave, then opened the door and stepped outside onto the deck of the Weird Taste…
...only to frantically rush inside and smash the door shut not even two seconds later.
“Fuck!”, he cursed like a real man. “It’s raining poodles out there!” He turned to Dainna. “Why didn’t you tell me, you fucking cunt?!?”
Frightened by the sudden yelling, the little doe immediately cowered into a corner, staring at him fearfully, her eyes wettening.
Painn hissed, then grabbed his manly pink umbrella with the neat hearts and rainbow motif, opened it, and walked out into the rain.
The Council of Twelve was already assembled and waiting for him.
Just like everything else in the king’s life, the Council wasn’t what it used to be under the former king. The old Council had been like an old chess set, with every member like a perfectly crafted piece, tailored to its purpose, with himself taking the esteemed role of Master of Serving Drinks and Mopping the Floor. The new Council was more like a collection of complete nuts randomly thrown onto a chess board.
As he entered, the idle chatter quieted, and the stags rose from their seat. Performing the traditional salute, they first pushed their right fists to their chest, then raised their right hand and waved at him seductively. “Hail, King Painn!”, they saluted. Painn mirrored their movement, walked over to the bar, poured each of them a glass of whisky, then placed each of the glasses in front of one of them. Then he walked over to the closet, opened it, took out a mop and began to mop the floor, humming. For some reason, he suddenly felt an appetite for bananas and cucumbers. “Alright, let’s get this over with”, he said, humming. “Lord Roar, your report!”
Lord Roar, Master of Provisions, rose from his seat with a bright smile on his face. “My king, the situation is dire”, he reported.
“If it is so dire, why are you smiling like a moron?”, Painn asked.
Roar didn’t reply, and instead continued his report. “We’ve almost run out of donuts, and you know how cranky Eddy can get when he doesn’t get his donuts for breakfast.”
“Ration them”, Painn commanded. “He’ll have to make due with five donuts in the morning and five for tea time.”
Roar nodded. “As you say, my king”, he replied, sitting down again.
Painn felt the calming touch of a hand on his left shoulder while hearing Sinsei’s voice behind him. “Do not fret, young king”, his old mentor said in a calm voice. “Your people will understand that a king by any other name is just as regal.”
Painn had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but it sounded deep and profound, so he nodded in agreement.
“Your Majesty!”, Alpharys’ voice interjected - silently, but with a hint of enthusiasm in his voice. Alpharys was the Council’s Master of Science and Medicine, though he was often accused of spending more time watching - or as he called it, ‘sampling’ - Anime than doing any actual science or medicine.
“What is it, Ampharos?”, Painn asked.
“Alpharys”, the Master of Science corrected him. “Well, I just finished binge-watching this new Anime, and it was sooo great!”, he then began to chatter with no one being able to stop him. “The protagonist is so much like me, I couldn’t believe it…”
For the next two hours, Alpharys went into a painfully detailed analysis and critique of yet another mediocre Isekai he had binged. Painn barely listened, instead focusing on mopping the floor and thinking about how much he wanted a banana. Everyone else in the room seemed too polite or too paralyzed to stop the Master of Science.
“...and thus, all of them learned a valuable life lesson!”, Alpharys eventually finished, smiling happily.
As soon as the Master of Science fell silent, Painn saw Councilman Vestworld, his highly decorated right-hand general, rubbing his temples on the other side of the table. “Gods dammit Amphora, why don’t you make a Stagtube channel for that stuff?”
Painn knew it was time to interject to prevent the situation from escalating. “What Councilman Vestworld was trying to say, my dear Amphetamine, was that maybe you should give us a heads-up on the cow situation.”
Alpharys nodded. “Well… we currently do have a bit of a problem in that department”, he admitted. “After I forced them all to binge-watch the latest season of Pokémon with me, it seems like they unfortunately all developed a severe case of Ash Fever.”
Painn cursed the day when he had given Alpharys the additional task of taking care of the does. His official job obviously already went far over his head.
“Pokémon!”, Vestworld exclaimed tauntingly. “Oh please! Do you really expect me to believe that this isn’t yet another one of your sadistic experiments?”
In the past, Alpharys had conducted several experiments and tried out treatments that lead to horrible physical deformations or mental scars, which had given him a reputation of being a creep and a sociopath - which was part of the reason why he spent most of his days hiding away in his basement binge-watching Anime. His appearance did not help matters though - despite being an ordinary caribou guy, Painn always thought something about his appearance and behavior almost seemed lizard-like.
Alpharys’ eyes teared up. “You jerk!”, he yelled at Vestworld. “Those were accidents!”
“All of them!”, Vestworld laughed, sarcasm oozing from his voice. “All of them were accidents! Every single time you fucked up was just an accident! Like the three messes behind you? Were they also accidents?”
Painn’s eyes involuntarily drifted away from the stag and to the three does kneeling behind him - Alpharys’ own cows, who were more meek and submissive than any other cow Painn had ever seen, but also so ugly and deformed that they were painful to look at, and fused together at various parts of their bodies as a result of Alpharys’ ill-conceived experiments. The Science Master had named them Ichi, Ni, and San.
That weeabou numbered his cows in Japanese!, Painn suddenly realized.
“Leave my lovely cows out of this, you monster!”, Alpharys yelled at Vestworld, tears in his eyes. He was fiercely protective of his cows, to the point where he seemed to take insults on them as insults on him personally - which had only gotten worse after the failed experiment on them. He rose from his seat and half angry, half crying ran out of the room, his cows clumsily following him on all four... on all thr... fi... tw… oof... on all of their legs.
What a pussy, Painn thought.
“I’ve got an idea!”, Councilman Ghey interjected. “If these cows have an infectious disease, why don’t we take all of them and throw them overboard?” He then picked up his Whisky glass, poured it over his head and cackled madly.
“Ash Fever isn’t infectious, you retard!”, Vestworld replied in a condescending voice.
“Oh yeah?”, Ghey yelled aggressively. “You think you’re sooo smart, but which one of us has a college degree, hm? I think it’s not you!”
“You have a Master of Arts degree”, Vestworld pointed out. “After twenty years of studying.”
“Oh yeah?”, Ghey yelled. “Well, fuck you too!”
“Ha!”, Vestworld quipped. “I bet you would, wouldn’t you?”
Painn sighed as he continued to mop the floor. “We’re not throwing our cows overboard”, he decided swiftly, once again settling the matter before it could escalate. “Anything else?”
Only moments later, the door was slammed open, and another stag stormed in, and practically threw himself onto a free chair, huffing and puffing angrily.
“Raagh!”, Painn addressed his Master of Diplomacy. “You’re late.”
Raagh! looked at him for few moments. “RAAAAAAAGH!!”, he then roared at his king in his deep, guttural, permanently furious voice.
Save for Sinsei and Painn himself, Raagh! was the only council member who had also been on the former king’s old council. He was a war veteran and allegedly a veteran of many fierce but successful diplomatic negotiations, and in fact had the reputation of being a political genius. He definitely has a way with words, Painn thought. However, none of the others knew why he had abandoned the old king and joined with Painn’s fleet. He didn’t seem to get along well with anystag on the ship.
“Please, Lord Raagh!” Sinsei raised his hands placatingly. “I’m sure the king meant no offense. Can’t we handle this like civilized males?”
Raagh! looked up to Sinsei, staring at him for a few seconds. “RAAAAAAAAGH!!!!”, he then replied angrily.
Painn turned around and faced his Master of Diplomacy. “Oh?”, he asked. “So what would you have me do, Lord Raagh!?”
Raagh looked at him once more. “RAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!”, he loudly and particularly gutturally yelled at his king.
“We’re not turning around!”, Painn informed him. “We’ve come too far now!”
“RRRRAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!”, Raagh! replied particularly loudly.
Painn threateningly raised his mop. “This charade ends now!”, he announced. “Lord Raagh! Sit down!”
Raagh sat down, glaring at his king with eyes like daggers. Painn could outright feel his desire to yell again. He glared back, clearly signalling that he would not tolerate further outrage.
“Is there anyone else who wants to suggest turning around?!”, Painn asked. “No?”
At this moment, the door opened once more, and Dainna rushed in hastily and towards her king. “Laaaaaaaa…”, she yelled.
...Halfway through the room, she tripped, and fell right into his arms. “L… La…”, she gasped in both excitement and exhaustion.
Painn looked into her eyes. “Speak clearly, cow!”, he commanded.
“Land!!”, she finally eclaimed. “L… Land!!”
“Land, you say?” Painn looked up in shock, casting worried glances at all his council members. “Oh no!! Nick Land is attacking us with his hyper-racism and his fanged noumena!!!”
“No, you idiot!!”, Raagh! couldn’t help but exclaim angrily. “She says we’ve sighted land!!!”
All eyes immediately turned to him.
Raagh paused a second, casting his eyes away. “Ummm, I mean… RAAAAAAAGH!!!!!”
Painn nodded. “Mhm. I’m gonna go to the bow of the ship and pose like I’m Leonardo diCaprio. I’m sure the king and his girlfriend are gonna be there, too.”
All the council members’ eyes followed their king as he slowly walked outside, his cowfriend in his arms - and everyone in the room wondered if their king had finally lost it and gone completely nuts.
Once more, Twilight rose from her bed in sweat. “Spike!”, she exclaimed.
“Twilight!”, she heard the dragon’s voice yell from the direction of his own bed. “Let! Me sleep!”
Twilight sighed, then sunk back onto her bed, and after a while of trying, she once more sunk into sleep, and into dreams...
This time, she dreamt that she was a butterfly, flying all over the lands of Equestria, enjoying the sight of the blooming meadows, the extended farmland and small rural towns, and the thick, mysterious, unexplored forests. She landed on flowers and drank her fill of the sweet nectar, and the endless freedom of the open sky was above her and in front of her. Delightfully, she fluttered through the air. Life was truly good.
Eventually, she landed on a big flower, tired from a day of flight and play. She slowly closed her wings, and then her eyes, and then, she fell into a deep, strange dream…
Painn once more rose from his bed, sweating in panic. “Goddamn nightmares!”, he exclaimed. He grumbled, but then just let himself sink into bed, to once more fall into a deep, strange dream…
She dreamt that she was standing on a cliff, facing Equestria’s wide ocean. She was holding binoculars, and impulsively, she raised them to her eyes.
In the distance, she discovered strange, large sails with unknown symbols on them, seemingly on a direct course towards her. As they came closer, she discovered that they belonged to strange, wooden longboats that didn’t seem to belong to any of the continent’s seafaring powers.
“What a strange dream”, Twilight mumbled to herself. “Princess Luna has a lot to answer for tonight.” She paused for a moment. “Princess?! Are you there?! I know you are!”
Once again, she paused for a moment. “Ha ha!”, she yelled. “Very funny!!”
But no response came. “Hm”, Twilight pondered. “Maybe this isn’t a dream after all.”
She once again raised the binoculars to her eyes, and now, she could get a better look at the ships ahead. The sails were covered in runes that seemed to stir her memories. She had read about this.
“Oh no, caribou!”, she realized - the legendary cervine species whose idiocy had ruined entire continents. She had even heard rumors that they had recently lost their entire homeland when their king blew up in a fiery explosion caused by an overabundance of consonants.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “How is that even possible?”, she asked. “In fact, what does that even mean??”
She sighed. The princesses had to know of this, umm… the other princesses. She was still not used to her alicorn status.
Slowly, she spread her wings to take off - but then, she once more raised the binoculars to her eyes.
She could now clearly see what seemed to be the admiral ship of the fleet. To her horror and confusion, she saw three terrible creatures standing on its bow - a male caribou, proud and wearing a brass crown, a mop confidently held up in his right hand. To his left, a huge, bulky, demonic creature stood, terrible to look at - and to his right, a white-coated female, eerie and almost ghostlike in appearance. An eerie feeling ran through the alicorn mare’s body - as if this was a scene specifically staged for her.
The white female then bowed towards the kingly figure, and seemed to whisper something in his ear. Twilight raised an eyebrow.
...and only a moment later, the king jumped off the ship and into the dark, cold sea, towards his certain death.
Twilight lowered the binoculars. “The fuck?”, she heard her own voice say, shocked by the idea that such words, thoroughly unsuited to a character from a kids' show, could ever come out of her mouth.
...Only a moment later, she rose up in her bed, covered in sweat. “Goddamn nightmares!!”, she cursed.
But then, she let herself sink down back into her cushions, and surely into other, even weirder dreams...
