Dappled light shone down through the clouds on Canterlot Castle as Princess Luna exercised her magic, guiding the moon up into the night sky. Satisfied that all was well, Luna nodded to herself and turned from the balcony, stepping into the cool darkness of her personal chambers. Pausing only to grab a small box from her dresser, the princess of the night left her room, closed the door behind her, and set off through the corridors of the castle.

A few minutes later she arrived at a small door in one of the tallest spires. The guards saluted and opened the door for her, revealing a brightly-lit room that rang with laughter. Four over-sized cushions had been laid out on the floor, surrounding a buffet spread that contained foods of every variety, from fritters and pies to elegant cakes and hors d’ouerves. Three of the cushions were each occupied by a different pony princess.

“Luna! We were wondering when you were going to arrive,” Princess Celestia called.

“My apologies,” Luna replied as she entered the room, the guards closing the door silently behind her. “I had to collect something from my personal quarters.”

Twilight perked up at that, “Oh! Is it that game you borrowed from Trixie?”

Luna nodded and levitated the little black box into the middle of the group, “Indeed, the one that came from the world through the mirror. Supposedly it is a game meant to be played only with the closest of friends.”

“Cards Against Equestria: A party game for horrible ponies,” Cadence read out. “That sounds… ominous, somehow.”

“It sounds interesting,” Celestia cut in, giving the box an intrigued look. She glanced eagerly at the others, “Well? We’re all friends aren’t we? Shall we give it a go?” The others quickly assented, prompting an excited squeal from Celestia as she clapped her hooves together, “I haven’t played a game with friends like this since I was a little filly!”

“I’ll get the instructions!” Twilight called out to nopony’s surprise, swiftly removing the lid from the box with her magic and pulling out a small pamphlet. She cleared her throat before opening the pamphlet with a flourish, “Basic Rules. To start the game, each player draws ten white cards. The player who most recently p-”

An odd spluttering sound came from the youngest princess as her recitation came to an abrupt end. She squinted at the rules for a moment, closed the pamphlet, opened it again and re-read the rules, then slammed it closed again. This repeated several times, a blush slowly creeping into Twilight’s cheeks as her opening and closing got more and more violent.

“Er, Twilight? Is something wrong?” Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Let me see,” Cadence said as she got up and walked around to look over Twilight’s shoulder. As soon as she read the rules she clamped a hoof over her mouth and let out a shocked laugh, “Oh, wow. Okay, that is amazing and you have to read it out!”

“What is it?” Luna asked, taking a sip of tea.

Twilight cleared her throat, her blush slowly growing brighter and deeper, and spoke in a quavering voice, “The player who most recently p-pooed begins as the Card Princess and draws a black card.”

Luna snorted, instantly regretting her choice of hot drink as a small fountain of it sprayed from her nostrils and sent her into a coughing fit.

“What a curious rule,” Celestia said mildly, as if she were merely commenting on the weather. “I suppose that makes me the Card Princess.”

Cadence smirked behind her hoof, “Not that I’m trying to compete, but, um, how do you know that you’re the last one who… went?”

“Because I went just before I came here,” Celestia responded simply, taking a dainty sip of her tea before continuing, “Luna goes as soon as she wakes up in the evening like clockwork-”

“Thank you so much for sharing that, sister.”

“- and since neither you nor Twilight have left the room since I arrived, that makes me the most recent. That means we can just take our turns in age order, too.”

Cadence dipped her head, conceding the point, “Fair enough, Auntie is the Card Princess. What’s next, Twilight?” Twilight didn’t respond. Her face seemed to be locked in an expression of mixed horror and shame. “Um, Twilight?” Cadence prodded her gently, “Are you okay?”

“Hm, what?” Twilight said a little too loudly, coming back to reality with a snap, “Oh, yes! Yes, I’m fine! Everything’s fine! Just a few friends, talking about bowel movements. Because that’s a thing! That friends do!” Her expression slowly morphed into a more natural look of resignation, “At least, Applejack and Rainbow Dash do. Whenever they have burritos.”

Cadence winced sympathetically as her little sister-in-law let out a dejected sigh, “Why don’t you just carry on with reading out the rules, that always makes you feel better.”

“You’re right. Thanks, Cadence,” Twilight said gratefully, already forgetting that it was reading said rules that put her in this position in the first place. “As I was saying, the Card Princess draws a black card, then reads the question or fill-in-the-blank phrase on the black card out loud. Everypony else answer the question or fills in the blank by passing one white card, face down, to the Card Princess.”

“This game appears simple enough so far,” Luna noted, dabbing her nose with a napkin to remove the last of the tea.

Twilight nodded before continuing, “The Card Princess then shuffles all the answers and reads each card combination out loud to the group. The Card Princess should re-read the black card before presenting each answer. Finally, the Card Princess picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one point. After the round, a new player becomes the Card Princess and everypony draws back up to ten white cards.”

“So it’s a competition to make each other laugh,” Celestia mused. “This sounds fun!” she cried out brightly.

“I agree, this game sounds most entertaining,” Luna chimed in.

“How does the game end?” Cadence asked.

“According to Miss Lulamoon, when I finally found her, she and her friends played for ten rounds,” Luna replied. “I believe that number should suffice for our little group as well.”

Twilight nodded her agreement, “Alright. First of all, we each have to draw ten white cards.”

Four horns lit up in unison as each princess drew their cards from the box. A few seconds later four expressions changed very rapidly. Cadence gasped in a way that was both scandalized and amused. Twilight just froze, her cheeks instantly ablaze and her eyes practically bugging out of their sockets.

Luna cocked her head to the side, frowning slightly, “This seems somewhat… dark?”

“M-maybe we should give this a miss?” Twilight asked hopefully, dragging her mind out of its stunned stupor. “What do you think Celes…ti…a…” Her mind stalled again as she looked to her mentor.

Celestia had the biggest, creepiest grin on her face that anypony had ever seen on a creature that wasn’t Chrysalis. At least, almost anypony.

“Aaand Creeplestia is back,” Luna muttered darkly. “It has been over a thousand years since I last laid eyes upon that expression.”

A faint blush graced Celestia’s cheeks at that, “Yes, well, at least the circumstances this time are vastly different.”

Twilight raised a hoof, “Uh, what exactly is Luna talking about?”

“There are some things you do not wish to learn, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna replied quickly. “Please, let us, er…” she glanced distastefully down at her cards, “…continue.”

Grimacing down at her cards, Twilight raised her hoof once again, “Um, are we sure we want to play this? I can always find something that’s a little more… not like this?”

Celestia laughed brightly, “Come now, Twilight, I’m sure it will be fun. Let’s all loosen up a little, hm?”

Twilight sighed, unwilling to quash her mentor and friend’s good mood. “Fine.” She decided not to mention that she intended to have some very strong words with Starlight when she got back home.

Away in Sire’s Hollow, while tidying (destroying) the emo-fest abomination that was her old room, Starlight felt a sudden chill run down her spine, one that had nothing to do with either the fake skulls on the walls or her incredibly overly-happy father grinning at her from the corner.

Back in Canterlot, Celestia hummed as she eyed her cards, “So, as the first Card Princess, that means I have to ask the first question, correct?”

“That’s right,” Twilight replied nervously.

“Very well.” Levitating a black card in her magic, Celestia frowned for a moment, “Oh? This question has two blank spaces? I assume this means we pick two answers?”

Twilight frowned, then dove back into the rulebook. After a quick scan she nodded, “Correct. To answer a Pick 2 card each player plays two white cards in combination. Arrange them in the order that the Card Princess should read them. Play the first card face down, and then play the second card face down on top of it.”

Luna raised a curious eyebrow, “Will that not make shuffling the answers difficult?”

Twilight hummed as she thought, “I could modify a random teleportation spell so that it switches the places of each set of cards?”

“It’s certainly possible but…” Celestia smiled and shook her head, “I think it would be more interesting if we knew who was playing what, wouldn’t you?”

Twilight’s expression screamed otherwise, but her shoulders slumped as she caved, “I suppose.”

Giving her mane a quick shake, Celestia drew herself up and loudly read out, “Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s blank and blank!”

Twilight let out a quiet sigh of relief, “Phew, that’s not so bad.”

“Indeed, it does seem rather tame compared to some of these cards,” Luna agreed. “Though, let us not forget that it is these selfsame cards we shall be using to answer the question.”

“…good point.”

Celestia watched with barely concealed impatience as her three compeers shuffled through their answers and, slowly, placed their selections in front of her. Once all of the answers were ready she clapped her hooves together in excitement and picked up the first pair, “Luna’s first, I think.” As she read the cards, her expression quickly shifted from excited to utterly baffled. “I… er… Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s Flash Magnus and Grandma!”

Twilight and Cadence shared an equally confused look, but Luna chuckled softly into her hoof. “Care to explain what is so amusing, Luna?” Celestia asked.

Luna grinned at her, “Can you imagine Grandmother meeting Flash Magnus?”

Celestia groaned and shook her head as realization hit. Seeing the curious looks Cadence and Twilight were giving her, Celestia reluctantly elaborated, “Our dear grandmother was… how should I put this… a little fixed in her ways.”

Luna snorted, “By which my sister means the vicious old harridan hated every creature that wasn’t a unicorn. Our relationship ended when Celestia bucked her teeth in shortly after she earned her wings.”

Twilight and Cadence both clapped their hooves to their mouths in shock at the revelation of Celestia’s past violence.

A faint blush graced Celestia’s cheeks as she averted her gaze. “She shouldn’t have tried to pluck me.”

Cadence’s snort quickly descended into raucous laughter as Twilight simply stared in stunned disbelief. “Why in Equestria did she try to pluck you?!” Twilight yelled.

“Because, according to her, feathers belong on birds and dusters, not on ponies.” Celestia answered tightly. “Sticking her anywhere near Flash Magnus would just be asking for trouble.” Shaking off the memory of her not-particularly-missed ancestor, Celestia picked up the next answer, “Cadence’s this time. Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s A falcon with a cap on its head and kamikaze pegasi.”

Wilting under the combined flat stares of the other three Princesses, Cadence grumbled petulantly, “It was the only pair I had that made sense.”

“For certain definitions of ‘sense’, perhaps.” Celestia ignored the pink Alicorn’s pout and levitated the last pair eagerly, “And finally, Twilight Sparkle. Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s… oh.” Her face fell, and Twilight suddenly found her hooves very interesting as Celestia read out, “Bogies and geese.”

An awkward silence followed, broken only by a faint rustling as a wad of cotton candy rolled across the table in an impressive impression of a tumbleweed.

“Well, this was a, erm, fascinating round,” Celestia said in a strained voice, drawing Luna’s attention from the tumble-candy. “Well, it seems our first winner, for sheer lack of other options, is my dear sister.”

“Thank you, Tia,” Luna ground out, having heard quite clearly the bit she mumbled in the middle. Hoping that the next round would turn out a little better, Luna picked up a black card, “What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy?”

“I assume you know what a Happy Hayburger Meal is?” Celestia asked, taking a quick sip of tea.

“I’m well aware of what it is, sister,” Luna responded flatly.

“Just checking,” Celestia said with a sly smile.

Luna tried not to scowl as three answers were floated over to her. “What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy?” She blinked in confusion at the first answer she read. “A horde of yaks.”

“That’s got to be a health code violation of some kind,” Twilight put in. She tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. “It probably breaks a few slavery laws and things, too, not to mention the fact that you’d have to rebuild the Hayburger joint after every meal.”

Celestia nodded, “Yes, it’s quite wrong. A stimulating thought, though.”

“Phew, tell me about it,” Cadence agreed with a dreamy grin.

“Anyway,” Luna cut in, glancing warily at Twilight’s twitching eyelid as she picked up the next card. “What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy? Pic- oh.” She lowered the card and sighed heavily. Raising the card again, with a look that plainly said she was beginning to regret this game, she said flatly, “Pictures of teats.”

“It made sense in my head,” Cadence huffed.

“I’m sure there are many things that do,” Luna replied tartly, setting the card aside and fetching the last. It was with visible reluctance that she looked at the card, only to be pleasantly surprised. “Oh, ah, hm, well. What’s the next Happy Hayburger toy?” She lowered the card and arched an eyebrow at her three fellows, smirking slightly. “Rockhoof.”

Her smirk was met with three blank stares. Celestia tilted her head, frowning slightly. “You seem a little more impressed by that answer than I expected, Lu?”

A faint blush graced Luna’s cheeks. “W-well, he is a fine example of a stallion, is he not?”

Twilight shrugged noncommittally, “Eh, he’s kinda good-looking, but he’s way too clumsy and strong for my tastes. He’d ruin my library.” Celestia slowly raised an eyebrow.

“Exactly, he’s all power and no technique,” Cadence added, earning a smirk to go with the raised eyebrow.

Luna frowned and turned her head away. “Hmph, well I say the Rockhoof card wins.”

“Ah, my first point,” Celestia said brightly. “It seems we are tied already, my sister.” Luna just sighed in response, floating the card over and resisting the urge to introduce her hoof to her own forehead.

“Ooo, that means its my turn!” Cadence smiled and acquired a question of her own. “Hey everypony, welcome to TGIF! Would you like to start the night off right with blank?”

“TGIF?” Luna repeated querulously.

“Thank Goodness Its Friday,” Twilight replied automatically.

“A rather common refrain, I believe,” Celestia supplied. “Though I understand that some ponies have also taken to using me as an expression,” she added with a knowing wink at Twilight.

Luna, surprisingly, smirked at that. “I imagine its used in regards to large problems,” she said quietly, giving Celestia’s flank a pointed look.

Celestia’s smile flickered, her eye twitching as she turned to regard her younger sister. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean?”

“That you eat too much cake?” Luna replied with faux innocence.

“Let’s just get the answers in, shall we?” Cadence cut in quickly. The other princesses went to searching through their cards, Celestia glowering as she did so. Shortly after, three answers were floated over to Cadence. Taking a deep breath, Cadence hitched a smile onto her face and called out in an overly peppy voice, “Hey everyprincess, welcome to TGIF! Would you like to start the night off right with giving 110%!”

“How… quaint,” Luna said slowly.

Celestia nodded. “Indeed. It was a good effort though, Twilight.”

Twilight just frowned grumpily. She made to say something sarcastic, but was interrupted by an amused snort as Cadence picked up the next answer. “Let me guess, its something perverted,” Twilight deadpanned.

“Ah, then it must be mine!” Luna said brightly

Cadence grinned. “Its pretty much how I end my Friday nights-”

“Definitely mine.”

“-Hey everyprincess, welcome to TGIF! Would you like to start the night off right with my balls on your face?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yep. Told you. Perver- hey, wait a second, you mean you do that with my brother?!” She clamped her hooves over her ears and screamed in horror and disgust. “SWEET CELESTIA NOW THAT IMAGE IS IN MY BRAIN! WHY?!”

“See? I told you I was an expression,” Celestia said calmly, taking a sip of tea as she idly watched Twilight’s meltdown.

Cadence winced sympathetically, but she wasn’t about to apologize. “Uh, Twilight? You do remember I’ve had a child, right? At the very least you already knew that me and Shining were having sex?”

“Of course I knew, but I never had to think about it!” Twilight groaned and rubbed at her temples. “That’s in there, yep, stuck right in my mind. Just continue the game,” she said, waving a hoof, “please, just give me something else to think about.”

“If you’re sure.” Cadence gave her a concerned look as she picked up the last answer. “Hey everypony, welcome to TGIF. Would you like to start the night off right with… murder.”

There was a brief, appalled silence.

“Okay, that’s just wrong,” Twilight said flatly.

“I admit it may not have been one of my better efforts,” Celestia said shyly.

Cadence nodded with feeling. “Sorry Twilight, but balls to the face wins. I assume that was Luna’s?”

“You assume correctly.” Luna grinned, accepting the card and adding it to her other. “And now, for young Twilight’s turn.”

Twilight just gave the pile a dark look. The other princesses shared an awkward glance. “Er, Twilight?” Celestia ventured, “If you truly are not having fun, we do not have to play this game.”

Twilight let out a resigned sigh and straightened up. “Nah, it’s fine. Its just a bit of a shock to the system. Besides, if Starlight managed to play a full game of this with her friends, then there’s no way that I, the Princess of Friendship, can allow myself to do anything less!” She shot to all fours and held out a hoof, flaring her wings dramatically. “For Friendship!”

“For Friendship!” the others joined in, though Celestia was wondering if Twilight’s sudden burst of enthusiasm was because she secretly wanted to know just how perverse her fellow princesses were, while Cadence was certain that Twilight herself was some sort of closet deviant waiting to be unleashed.

Luna, for her part, assumed both. “Very well, Princess of Friendship. Let us hear your question!”

Still holding her pose, Twilight levitated a card over. “Why am I hurting all over?” she called out loudly. She blinked in surprise as three answers appeared in front of her almost before she’d finished speaking. Cautious despite her recent burst of confidence, Twilight picked up the first answer. “Why am I hurting all over? Swooping?”

“Swooping?” Luna repeated. “Is this some modern euphemism that I am unfamiliar with?”

Celestia shook her head bemusedly. “If it is, it’s one that I’ve never heard either. Cadence?”

Cadence shrugged. “I thought it was just a flying trick.”

“Next answer! Why am I hurting all over?” Twilight tossed the card over her shoulder before grabbing another. “I… uh… ahem… consensual sex.” Ignoring the titters of the others, along with her own creeping blush, Twilight picked up the next answer. “Why am I hurting all over? Dogging.”

Her fellow princesses cracked up, both at the answer and the fact that Twilight had managed to say it without so much as hesitating. Assuming that she didn’t know what it meant, Cadence leaned towards her to explain, “Dogging is when-”

“I’m friends with Starlight, I know what dogging is,” Twilight interrupted, getting a trio of surprised gasps in response. “In the spirit of the game, I suppose dogging wins.”

“Ha!” Celestia pointed a hoof at Luna gleefully. “We draw once again!”

Luna snorted angrily. “Laugh while you may, sister, you will not win this.”

Celestia scoffed at her. “Oh, please. I’m going to destroy you.”

“We’ll see about that.” Luna muttered. “What of you two, do you wish to continue?”

“Absolutely!” Cadence replied in a heartbeat.

Twilight frowned and gritted her teeth. Perhaps she’d been spending too much time around Applejack and Rainbow Dash, but there was no way that she was going to back out now. It was time to show them exactly what one of Pinkie’s best friends could do when faced with a game of comedy, though she privately swore that she would never, ever, let this game within a hundred miles of Pinkie Pie under any circumstances. “Bring. It. On.”

Author's Note

And so the depravity continues...

Hope you enjoy! Comments and Criticisms are appreciated!

Celestia- 2
Luna- 2
Cadence- 0
Twilight- 0