The streets of Ponyville were quiet at this time of night. As the sun disappeared beneath the horizon and the moon rose to take it’s place, the hustle and bustle of the day gradually gave way to a soft and peaceful silence, the residents finishing up their business and heading home for the night.
All except one.
A cloaked figure stalked silently down dark alleyways, carefully checking to make sure that nopony was around and fervently hoping that her pointy hat wasn’t reflecting too much light.
Trixie had been waiting all day for this. The streets were empty and, most importantly of all, the Castle of Friendship was empty. Twilight had gone to Canterlot for a Princess Summit, Spike was staying over at Sweet Apple Acres for Guy’s Night, and Starlight had headed off that morning to visit her father for a few days and ‘constructively decimate’ her old room. Whatever that was about.
Normally Trixie wouldn’t have bothered going anywhere near the castle when it was empty. After all, aside from raiding the kitchen there was very little to actually do there when nopony else was around.
Or so Trixie had thought.
The previous night she had gotten together with her friends Starlight, Maud, and Sunburst to play a game borrowed from the human world through the magic mirror. Over the course of that game Trixie had discovered, from Starlight, that Twilight apparently kept a secret library full of books she’d written herself.
Books about Trixie.
Specifically, porn about Trixie.
Naturally, the Great and Powerful Trixie could not let this go un-investigated. Or unpunished, depending on how good or bad the porn was.
Tip-toeing around a corner, Trixie spotted the Castle of Friendship dead ahead, glittering in the moonlight. Taking a moment to make sure nopony was around, Trixie crept slowly towards the castle. The closer she got, the faster she moved, trusting the sound of the waterfalls at the nearby School of Friendship to mask her hoof-steps, until finally she stood before the great crystal doors.
Hmmm, Starlight better not have been lying about this, or revenge shall be swift and brutal. Well, I may have been planning on getting revenge on her anyway for what she pulled at the game last night, but if she’s lying about this my revenge shall just have to be that much swifter and more brutal! However, first things first, time to see if the Princess really does have a few perverted secrets…
Smirking to herself, Trixie tossed her mane and strode purposefully forward, using her magic to open the door, only to slam face-first into it as the door refused to co-operate. “Ow! What the shit?” She glanced around to make sure nopony had heard her, then tried the door again, but it wouldn’t budge.
Perfect. Just perfect. The one time somepony decides to actually sneak into the castle also happens to be the first time they decide to LOCK THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR!
Huffing angrily, Trixie leaned down to peek in through the keyhole. After a moment of searching she realized, with a fresh surge of irritation, that there wasn’t one.
“Oh for f-!” Trixie clamped her hooves over her mouth, stifling her own angry outburst. She breathed in and held a hoof to her chest, then let it out as she moved her hoof away, using a calming technique that she had totally not stolen from Twilight.
Okay, Trixie, you can do this. Just because the front door is locked doesn’t mean the windows will be, you just have to find one.
Following that simple line of reasoning, Trixie set off around the base of the castle, searching for a low enough window to climb in through. Unfortunately for her, the few windows she found that were within reach were either of the fixed variety, impossible to open without either smashing them or removing them entirely, or just simply locked.
“Come on, come on. There has to be some way in,” Trixie muttered. Her heart leapt as she spotted a pair of doors at the top of a small set of steps. Her spirits plummeted a second later as she realized that she’d done a full lap around the castle and that they were, in fact, the front doors. Unable to contain her irritation any longer, Trixie threw herself on the ground, pummeling the floor in a violent, yet almost entirely silent, temper tantrum.
“Uhh, are you okay there, Trixie?”
Trixie yelped and scrambled back to her hooves, looking around wildly for the source of the voice. Spike stood a few short feet away, staring at her in complete bewilderment.
Trixie quickly rearranged her hat and smoothed out her mane, “Spike, what are you doing here? Weren’t you staying over Sweet Apple Acres for the night?”
Spike scowled and planted his fists on his hips, “I’m supposed to be, but, apparently, Sugar Belle decided that she and Big Mac had to have another quick workout session before I came over. Now they’re all sweaty and hungry so Big Mac asked if I can bring over some more nachos while they shower. I swear, they do this every time.”
Trixie hid a smirk behind her hoof, “Wow. So, Sugar Belle likes the risk of getting caught while she’s being plowed into a wall? Kinky.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Spike asked.
“Oh! Er…,” Trixie panicked for a moment as she remembered the dragon before her was still very much underage, then she had a flash of dark inspiration. “You should probably ask Twilight, she’s more knowledgeable about that sort of thing.”
“Oh, okay then!” Spike said brightly.
Ha! Enjoy that little conversation, Twilight! That’s what you get for having the temerity to write porn about the Great and Powerful Trixie! Of course, depending on how good the porn is, Trixie might let you off with just that. Possibly.
Spike looked up at her curiously, “So… what were you doing out here? Did you need something in the castle?”
Trixie glanced nervously from the castle, to the dragon, and back, deciding on whether it was worth the risk. Sick of struggling with the castle entrance, she decided to throw caution to the wind, “Er, yes, Trixie does need something in the castle. She forgot her… uh…”
“Why don’t you just go on in then?” Spike asked, saving her the bother of making up something she’d forgotten.
“The door’s locked,” Trixie replied.
“Oh, my bad!” Spike hurried up to the door and lifted up the welcome mat, revealing a single golden key. Trixie smacked a hoof into her forehead as the little dragon unlocked the door and stepped through, politely holding it open for her, “Here you go!”
“Uh, thanks,” Trixie muttered, trudging in after him and cursing herself for a fool.
“You’re welcome!” Spike said brightly. “Anyway, I’d better get started on those nachos. See you later!”
“Sure, whatever,” Trixie replied quietly as the little dragon hurried off to the kitchen. Now that she was finally inside the castle, it was time for the main reason she had come. Porn hunting. Keeping her primary goal firmly in mind, Trixie set off to search the castle. According to Starlight, Twilight’s secret creations were kept hidden in a study just around the corner from her bedroom. The only problem? Trixie didn’t actually know where Twilight’s bedroom was.
“Let’s see… broom closet… bathroom… map room… broom closet… party-”
BOOM.
“… cannon.”
Shaking the streamers from her hat and mane, Trixie let loose a shuddering sigh and continued on her way.
After several minutes of fruitless searching that included two more encounters with party cannons and an ornate mirror-machine-portal-thing that Trixie suspected led to the human world Starlight had mentioned, the hapless stage magician finally found Twilight’s room and, just around the corner, the study.
The study itself was innocuous enough; just a few simple bookshelves and a writing desk in the corner, adorned with a few rather ugly plants. The only thing that suggested things weren’t quite what they seemed was the set of heavy deadbolts on the door, reminiscent of those found in your average high-value bank vault or maximum security prison.
“Hmmm, Trixie gets the feeling that Starlight might have been telling the truth after all,” Trixie muttered to herself. “Now then, let’s see if the Great and Powerful Trixie can outwit the best defences that Princess Twilight can constr- are you fucking kidding me?”
The stage magician stared in blank shock at a little book sitting conspicuously on the writing desk. The title simply read; Tales of Trixie Vol. 36: Trixie Takes Tirek. A little hoof-written note had been placed next to it.
“Dear Princess Twilight, I’ve finished this volume but I couldn’t figure out how to move the bookshelf to put it back where it belongs. I’ll borrow volume 37 when you get back from your Princess Summit. Thanks again! D.H.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow as she finished reading out the note. One the one hoof, she was grateful for the tip about where the porn was stashed. On the other hoof, she was simultaneously furious and monumentally embarrassed that Twilight was apparently lending Trixie-smut out to the various perverts of Ponyville. Even worse, she had a sneaking suspicion that she knew exactly who it was that had borrowed this particular volume.
“Wait a second now, Trixie. You’re aren’t sure that this is porn just yet. I mean, sure, it has a title like that, but it’s best to make sure first.” Picking the book up in her magic she flipped it open to a random page, then blushed furiously and immediately slammed it shut, “Porn! Definitely porn!”
Tentatively opening the book back up, Trixie’s eyes practically bulged out of their sockets at the scene on the page, “Okay, I don’t care how Great and Powerful I am, there’s no way I can take a dick that big! What the fuck, Twilight?!”
Closing the book again, to protect her mind from seeing herself involved in any more centaur-based boinking, Trixie looked up at the ceiling and took a slow, deep breath. Composing herself once more, she turned her attention to the bookcase. She was determined to discover out exactly how much more depraved her erstwhile rival had become.
“The note says the bookcase moves, but just pulling it probably won’t work, or even that klutz of a mail mare would have figured it out. Hmmmm.” Trixie frowned as she inspected the bookcase. It seemed ordinary enough, just a simple wooden construct stacked with dozens of books. A quick check revealed all of them to be various works of fiction. All except one.
“Proper Orthographic Research Nomenclature?” Trixie mumbled. Something didn’t feel right. Twilight was more than a little anal-retentive when it came to organizing, especially when it came to re-organizing books. Having one out of place in her own personal study was more suspicious than a sweaty stallion lurking around a school playground in a trench coat.
The title’s acronym was a bit of a giveaway too.
Gripping the book with her magic, Trixie gently pulled it until she heard a faint click. Immediately the bookcase started to fade from sight, until it revealed an alcove set in the wall. The alcove was lined with shelves that were crammed full of books. The books appeared to be grouped by series, with the ‘Celestia Series’, ‘Luna Chronicles’ and the ‘Pillars of Pornography’ being three of the most prevalent. Disturbingly, at least to Trixie, by far the most space was taken up by books belonging to the ‘Trixie Tales’ section.
“Found you,” Trixie growled. She felt a rush of savage joy at the sight of all that smut. Now was the time to see whether Twilight would be earning a truly terrible punishment. As soon as Trixie thought of one, that is. Pulling out Volume 1 of the Trixie Tales with her magic, Trixie stalked over to the writing desk and set it down, hopping into the chair before turning her attention to the book itself.
The title was written across the top in elegant cursive script, a sophisticated font for a horrifically crass title; How to Fuck a Fraud. Underneath that was a crudely drawn illustration of Trixie laying on her front, wearing a bridle, bit and reins, with Twilight (as a unicorn, not an Alicorn) standing over the top of her, a look of sadistic glee on her face and a disturbingly knobbly strap-on attached between her hind legs.
Trixie glared down at the abomination for several long seconds. She was torn between incinerating the vile creation, reading it, or just marching down to Twilight’s bedroom and stuffing her pillows full of cheese to give the pervy princess a different kind of bedtime surprise. Eventually Trixie settled on reading it, just in case inflicting cheese-based trauma wasn’t quite severe enough.
Flipping open the cover with a little more force than was strictly necessary, Trixie began to read.
The basement echoes as I, Twilight Sparkle, mighty unicorn wizard, stride purposefully down the stairs, levitating a large box in my magic. I have dismissed Spike for the night, allowing him to read his comics upstairs in peace, for neither his skills nor his tender age are suitable for what is about to occur.
As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I glare imperiously at the terrible fraudster who is manacled to the wall. The evil unicorn raises her head. Her defiant expression would be intimidating if her ridiculous hat didn’t flap around so much.
“How dare you incarcerate the Great and Powerful Trrrixie!” she cries, putting an obscenely overstated trill on the r in her name.
“Hey! That trill is not obscene, it’s called showmanship! And leave my hat out of this!”
I slowly arch my eyebrow, my expression turning contemptuous as I imitate the snobby Canterlot nobles I saw so often before I came to Ponyville, “I see that the previous lesson in humility I gave you still hasn’t quite taken yet. No matter, I’ll just have to give you some more rigorous instruction this time around.”
I concentrate for a moment, and there comes a flash of magic as Trixie is teleported into the middle of the room, her restraints coming with her and securing themselves to the floor. She tries to raise herself up, but the manacles keep her forelegs held securely down, keeping her head against the floor while her backside sticks up in the air. She glares indignantly up at me, “The Great and Powerful Triximph!”
“You talk too much.” The evil little cheat is silenced as I snap her mouth shut using my magic. The crack of another teleportation spell fills the air, then Trixie’s eyes bulge as she sees what I am holding in my aura. It’s big, it’s thick, it’s purple, and it has some very interesting bumps and nubs all over its shaft. I can’t help but smirk at my captive’s expression, “Yes, it is quite unique, isn’t it. I enchanted it myself. Y’know, because I’m actually good at real magic.”
“Okay, that is harsh, Twilight! I know this was written a long time ago, but I’m still going to make you pay for that one, you bitch!”
Trixie’s lip quivered, both at the words I threw at her and the terrible realization of what exactly was about to happen down in this basement.
“Oh, that’s right, you’re about to get exactly what you deserve,” I tell her as I casually stroll around her. Her whole body starts to tremble as I move out of her line of sight. Positioning myself directly behind her, I slowly and deliberately don the strap-on. There’s a loud snap as I pull the belt tight, causing my captive to flinch quite satisfyingly.
Trixie flinches again as I lay a hoof on her rump, “There, there, I’m not a complete monster. I’ll give you a way to get out of this at any time, if you’d like. Does that sound fair?”
“Hmph, the Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t need your pity!” Trixie snapped. “Do your worst, Sparkle!”
Oh? A spark of defiance? It seems this mare isn’t entirely a bag of hot air. Good. “Alright, have it your way.” Trixie’s trembling increases exponentially as I rear up and mount her, settling a hoof on her shoulder and placing the other on her rump to hold my weight. Once I’ve got the strap-on nicely lined up, I use my magic to activate the auto-lubrication and lean forward to whisper in her ear, “If you do decide you can’t handle your punishment, here’s what you have to say. Twilight is better than me. Twilight is stronger than me. The Great and Powerful Twilight is-”
Trixie gently closed the book. She closed her eyes as she took in a long breath through her nose, held it for a moment, and then exhaled softly through her mouth. Outwardly her expression was calm, almost serene. Inwardly, however, she was completely and utterly seething. The needling insults were one thing, but Twilight’s blatant theft of her catchphrase made her blood boil in a way it never had before.
Turning from the table, Trixie purposefully strode from the room and headed off in the direction of the party cannon she’d found earlier.
This. Meant. WAR.
Starlight let out a long-suffering sigh as she stepped off the Ponyville Express. Her fillyhood room had finally been thoroughly cleansed and all reminders of her embarrassing teenage years carefully collected before being obliterated with extreme prejudice. Now, she just wanted to get back to the castle and unwind for a while, before seeking out Trixie and finding out if her bestie had actually followed through on her intended hunt for Twilight’s porn collection. Along the way she’d check in with Twilight and see how the Princess Summit went.
“Starlight!”
Or, not.
Starlight looked down the platform to see Twilight glaring at her, her hair frazzled and her wings stuck out at full extension. Oh no, here we go. Hitching a smile onto her face, Starlight trotted towards her old mentor, “Hey, Twilight! How did the Princess Summit go?”
That was apparently the wrong thing to say, as Twilight’s eyebrow twitched and a demented grin spread across her face, “Oh, it went fine! What could possibly have gone wrong? It’s not like somepony let me and Princess Luna take along an incredibly vile card game that was vastly inappropriate for a Princess Summit.” She laughed in an off-key way for a few seconds before her expression snapped back to one of flat anger. “Oh, wait.”
Starlight chuckled nervously, “Er, yeah, about that… I… I just didn’t know how to tell you. Princess Luna seemed so excited about having a new game to play, and we really weren’t expecting you both to show up out of the blue like that.”
Twilight’s expression softened, but she still wasn’t entirely mollified. “Why would you even have a game like that?”
“Sunset Shimmer,” Starlight replied instantly, shamelessly passing the buck. “She sent it through the mirror for me, she thought it would be a good way for my friends and I to bond at the sleepover.”
Twilight just scowled. “I think I’m going to have to have a word with her about what is and isn’t appropriate among friends.”
Starlight rolled her eyes, “Come on, Twilight. It was just a bit of harmless fun, and it did bring me and the others closer together.” Her bravado wilted slightly as a thought occurred to her, “What… er… what did the other Princesses think of it?”
Twilight kept up her frown for a second or two more, before giving up with a heavy sigh. “They enjoyed the game,” she conceded.
“Hah!” Starlight pumped a hoof in the air. She quickly lowered it, smiling awkwardly at the un-amused look on Twilight’s face. “So… are we going to go back to the castle or are we going to keep standing here having this really awkward conversation right in the middle of the station?”
Twilight looked around furtively, making sure nopony was paying too much attention to their conversation. Luckily, Ponyville’s residents had reached the point where seeing Princess Twilight having a stern conversation with her former pupil garnered no interest beyond a mild concern that either something bad might happen in the near future, or that the School of Friendship had received the wrong shade of red markers again. “Fine. Let’s get back to the castle.”
The two made the journey back to the castle largely in silence. Starlight, for her part, privately hoped that, if her twit of a best friend really had found Twilight’s secret library, then she’d at least put it back the way she’d found it. Preferably without torching any of it in the process. Still, if worse came to worst, Starlight was willing to take her share of the blame, i.e. anything that she couldn’t easily fob off on Trixie.
As they approached the castle’s front door, Starlight quickly looked around to make sure no-creature was in earshot before asking in an undertone, “So, who won?”
The annoyed expression on Twilight’s face gave way to a resigned one, with a sigh to match. “Do you know how weird it felt having Luna behaving the most like a normal, decent pony. I’ve learned things about Cadence and my brother’s sex life that is going to scar me for the rest of eternity, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look Celestia in the eye again, and on top of that, I’m still a little sore from the after-party!”
“That doesn’t answer who won.” Starlight did a double-take as the last part of the sentence finally registered. “Wait, after-party?”
Twilight blushed and hurried up the stairs of the castle, using her magic to open the door. “I-if you really must know who won, it was-”
The princess stopped so quickly that Starlight almost collided with her rump. Peeking around to see what had grabbed her attention, her heart almost stopped as she spotted a book on the floor just inside the castle. Tales of Twilight Vol 1: Tormenting Twilight’s Teats. Twilight wordlessly lifted the book in her magic and opened it, quickly catching a note that fell out of it.
“Dear Starlight, you were right! Writing something like this was a fantastic idea! Seriously, I cannot thank you enough for putting that thought in my head!
Love, Trixie.
P.S. Maybe you could add this volume to that secret library of Twilight’s that you told me about?”
Starlight stood rigid with terror as Twilight slowly turned her head to look at her, cold fury etched into every inch of her expression. Without a word, Twilight used her magic to pull Starlight through the door, slammed the door behind them, then flipped the book to page 1 and started reading.
There was a loud pop as Starlight teleported to the outskirts of Ponyville, right outside the window of Trixie’s beloved carriage. As expected, Trixie was already leaning on the windowsill, waiting for her. She grinned the second she saw her friend arrive. “So? What did she think of it?”
Starlight glared at her. “Well, I hate to say it, Trix, but apart from the title she absolutely loves it! And why the fuck did you bring me into this?!”
Trixie shrugged. “Meh, call it revenge for making me puke during that Cards Against game the other day.”
“Bitch.” Starlight sighed heavily. “Well, your revenge didn’t go off as you expected. I guess you’ll have to get more creative next time.” The slow smirk that slowly spread across the stage magician’s face send a shiver down her spine. “Trixie… what did you do?”
Trixie’s smirk grew as she levitated a book out of her carriage. Tales of Trixie Vol. 37: Trixie, Slave of Sombra. “This is the next one that Derpy wanted to borrow, but she couldn’t figure out how to get the bookcase open. Imagine how much its going to annoy Twilight when she can’t find this one no matter where she looks.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Seriously? Hiding a book? That’s…huh, that’s actually pretty sadistic, considering who you’re pranking.”
“Right?” Trixie tossed the book unceremoniously back into the carriage. “That and the party cannon full of cheese I left in her bed.”
“Wait, what?! Are you fucking INSANE?!” Starlight yelled. “What do you think she’ll do when she finds out that it was you?!”
Trixie tried and failed to repress a snort, which turned into a giggle, then descended into a fit of laughter at the sight of her friend’s seething confusion. “Relax, Starlight!” she managed to get out between laughs. “I’m joking!”
Starlight stared at her in bemusement. “I… you… really?”
Trixie nodded. “Don’t get me wrong, I did consider it but, like you said, she’d easily guess that it was me who did it. Besides, I kinda went one better.”
“Oh, no.” Starlight slapped a hoof to her face as she felt her heart sink. “Just… just tell me what you did, Trix.”
“I asked Sunset if she had another copy of that Cards Against Equestria game.” Trixie’s face split into an evil grin. “Guess what Pinkie’s taking to Twilight’s ‘Welcome Home’ party?”
Author's Note
And that's the end of this little cheese-induced oddity.
If people are interested, of course, I'm considering a sort-of sequel involving Trixie reading through and commentating on each and every one of Twilight's various novels. Let me know what you think!
