How to Love Ponies

You slammed back another shot of whiskey. "Keep 'em coming, Berry," you say to the barmare. "And a pint of Shetland stout," you add, watching her pour drinks number four and five. You quickly suck down the next shot, before grabbing the beer and taking a hungry sip to wash down the burn of the whiskey.

The door to the bar swung open to reveal a relieved Lyra Heartstrings and her girlfriend, Bon Bon. "There you are!" the little, green unicorn exclaimed, scampering over to the available bar stool next to you, with Bon Bon following close behind, albeit at a more polite pace. "We were so worried! When the Princess said you wouldn't be coming back to work for the rest of the day we assumed the worst! And then, we couldn't find you at Twilight's castle, so we looked all over Ponyville for you!"

"Lyra, calm down," Bon Bon said, pushing a shot of tequila in front of her lover and a glass of water to you. "He's probably having a rough day. So, want to talk about what happened?"

You sighed, taking a sip of water. "It's hopeless," you muttered. "The team of scientists and magicians she had working on my case said that the unpredictability of Everfree magic makes it hard to pinpoint just how I ended up here and even more difficult to track the exact universe I am from. Apparently, even the most insignificant of details, like slight differences in temperature, one different word in a book, or even what some random person ate for breakfast could mean that I end up in a world that is geographically the same, but with insane differences in culture. Not that they can even glimpse the alternate realities. In other words, they can't figure out how to send me to a different world and even if they could the risk would be too great."

"You poor baby," Lyra whimpered, wrapping you in a warm hug, while Bon Bon rubbed your shoulder comfortingly.

It had been two years since you had popped into the sky above the Everfree Forest, falling through the branches before landing in the soft mud. You had wandered for a full day before being found by a platoon of guards patrolling the outskirts of the Everfree. They had taken you to the nearby town of Ponyville. There, you had met Princess Twilight Sparkle, who then introduced you to the rest of the Princesses of Equestria, and work to figure out a way to send you back home had commenced.

It had been rough, at first. Apart from the princesses and those who were close to them, most ponies did their best to avoid you, and when contact was unavoidable, many seemed to be afraid of this strange, new creature. Twilight would later tell you this wasn't the first time the town had reacted this way to someone, recalling the time when they first encountered a zebra named Zecora, who would eventually become one of your good friends. But all that changed when you met the two mares currently listening to your woes.

Lyra had pretty much become your best friend, immediately. She's the one who convinced her marefriend, Bon Bon, to give you a job working at her candy store, due mostly to her obsession with you being an unknown species. From then on, you had lived a somewhat normal life, apart from being the only of a species who would frequently spend time with the royal family.

"So what do you plan to do, now?" the unicorn asked.

"Now," you said, setting the water down and returning to your beer. "I get shitfaced drunk and forget everything that has happened, today."

"Oh no, you aren't!" Bon Bon scolded, like she was your mother. She quickly swiped the pint from your hands and poured it into a nearby potted plant. "Alcohol is not going to solve your problems! You need to deal with your feelings in a safe, healthy manner."

You snorted. "What, like therapy?"

"Yes," Bon Bon said. "As your boss, I am ordering you to take a week's paid vacation and see a therapist."

"And what if I don't want to and just show up to work tomorrow morning?" You retorted.

"I won't let you work," the cream colored mare smirked. "Do this, or you're fired."

You laughed. "We both know you won't fucking fire me, candy butt! I'm a minor celebrity! I bring you far too much business."

"Try me."

"Woah! Easy there, you two!" Lyra interrupted. "Let's not say things we don't mean."

"You're right, you're right," you sigh. "So, you really think I should see a therapist?"

"Yes!" both ponies exclaimed.

"Besides," Lyra said. "Maybe you could also spend this week trying to get yourself a nice mare like me and Bonnie have been telling you to. It's not like you can use the excuse of not staying here, anymore."

You grimace. "I don't know about all that."

"It doesn't have to be a filly," the mint mare continued. "You can always find yourself a handsome stallion. Or, if you insist that you don't like stallions, there's always griffons, dragons, zebras, diamond dogs, hippogryphs, yaks, minotaurs, oh, and changelings can be whatever you want, so you can try all of the flavors of Eques-"

"I get the point, Lyra," you interrupted. "I just... I just don't know if I can get past the whole species difference, especially since you're all so similar to animals where I'm from."

"That's the kinky part," Lyra giggled. "Don't tell me you never got a flash of what was under some creature's tail and thought 'man, I wonder what that feels like?', and then thought about it later when you were alone?"

"Lyra, that's absolutely disgusting," Bon Bon said, thumping the unicorn on the back of the head. "Can we go somewhere without you saying or doing something embarrassing, just once?"

"Ow! Jeez, I was just kidding!"

The more sensible of the two mares shook her head, sighing. "Anyway, maybe that's something you can discuss with the doctor," Bon Bon said. She reached for a napkin and quickly wrote something on it. "This is who I would recommend to see. She's great, and even helped me through some rough patches I had with my family."

You take the napkin and look at the name and address of who this "amazing" therapist was.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."