How to Love Ponies

Based on your past interactions with Tree Hugger, you had expected a therapy session with the mare to involve a bong and some cheese puffs. But, you were pleasantly surprised to be sitting in a rather normal looking therapist's office. Instead of bean bag chairs and blacklight posters, there was a comfortable chaise lounge that you were currently laying on, while Tree Hugger sat in a rather professional looking armchair. The stereo wasn't playing some Prog Rock band warbling about aliens and rainbows made of candy, but a soft piano and harp gently filled the silence, while a miniature waterfall provided a serene, natural background noise. A plate of small cookies sat on the coffee table where you had expected potato chips. Hell, even the subtle aroma of refer that usually enveloped the mare was absent. All things considered, you had expected this to be Miss Harshwhinny's office, not the local stoner's.

"So, I heard Princess Celestia paid you a visit, yesterday. You wanna talk about that?" The redhead asked in a monotone, relaxed voice.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, I'm from a completely different world," you said. Tree Hugger nodded, reaching for a notepad and a pencil. "Well, she had a group of scientists researching ways to send me back, and, well, after two years they have decided that it would be nearly impossible to safely deliver me home, assuming that they could find the right universe from an infinite number."

"You must be upset by this recent revelation," she replied, scribbling down a few notes.

"No fucking shit, I'm upset!" You snapped, before thinking. "Sorry. I haven't exactly been taking it well. As soon as I heard the news, I went to the bar and tried to drown myself in whiskey and beer."

"Substance abuse is not a healthy way to deal with stress," she said, scratching another note. "I know that I have a bit of a reputation for my herbal habits, but even I know when it isn't a good time to use it," she said. "Why don't you tell me about some of the other activities you do in your spare time?"

You thought about it for a second. "Well, I visit Twilight at least once a week to borrow a book. She's had me reading some of the classics that I would have read in school, if I had grown up here, and teaching me about the historical events behind them. Every couple of months, Princess Celestia pays for me to go on a trip to explore the different cultures this world has to offer. Every so often I meet up with Big Mac and Caramel to have a few drinks and play cards. Oh, and hang out with Lyra and Bon Bon all the time, doing whatever comes to mind."

"How's your sex life?" Hugger asks, displaying no emotion other than professional interest.

"My what?" You exclaim, nearly falling off the couch.

"Your sex life," she repeats, taking a note of your reaction. "During sexual activity, your brain releases dopamine, which gives you a euphoric feeling, and decreases stress level. Would you say you are getting sexual satisfaction on a regular basis?"

"Well, no, not really. I mean, back home I used have sex at a fairly average rate, and I'd masturbate at least once a day, but I haven't done either of those in a long time."

"Is there any particular reason for that?" the calm mare inquired.

"Well, there's no humans here, so sex is definitely out of the question. Sorry, but you ponies are way too similar to animals from back home. And all of your porn is of ponies or something else that isn't human."

"I see," Tree Hugger says, jotting down another note before setting the pencil and paper aside. "What I would recommend you do when you leave, is stop by Ponyville's adult store and pick up some pornography. Get something similar to what you would look at before coming here and try to see ponies as sexual creatures. See me, again, in a week we can discuss whether or not that is helpful to your mental well being."

"If you say so..."

...

A porn shop was not a place you wanted to be seen, and being a one of a kind ape that stood twice as tall as the average pony only made that more difficult. To make things worse, you had thought you saw Cheerilee while you were in there, but she seemed like she was also trying to avoid eye contact with anypony. You had picked up a few magazines that were as close to what you used to spank it to as you could find, and gotten the hell out of there as quickly as you could. You were now carrying a discrete, brown bag full of MILFs, lesbians, and students who would do anything to change that F into an A (even if it meant getting F'd in the A).

You were just approaching the door to Twilight's castle (which, due to recent events, you were now making plans to move out of), and thought you had made it home, safely, without anypony stopping you and asking "what's in the bag?".

"Surprise!" Shit. You had opened the front door to discover the Elements of Harmony, Spike, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Big Mac, Caramel, Discord, Lyra, and Bon Bon. Oh, fuck, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were also here! And you had a stack of dirty magazines with you! You were holding porn and standing ten feet away from a trio of adorable, innocent, and impressionable kids.

Just act natural.

"Aw, thanks, guys!" You said, trying to give a genuine smile, and not act like you were carrying anything suspicious. "What's the occasion?"

"Well, we heard about what happened," Applejack said.

"And we thought a "Sorry-You're-Staying-Here-Forever-And-Never-Seeing-Another-Human-Thingie-Ever-Again" party would help make you feel better!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

"Aw, you shouldn't have," you said, sweating bullets. "I'm just going to run this up to my room, real quick, and be right back down."

"Whatcha got there, anyway, Anon?" Rainbow Dash asked, swooping down to try and peak into the bag.

"Oh, just some reading material the therapist recommended."

"Really!?" Twilight's eyes lit up. "Oh, what did they recommend? I'm sure I have some other resources in my library that would be supplementary to what they assigned!"

I really don't want to know what kind of porn you're into, Twilight, you thought. "I-it's nothing. It's actually kind of embarrassing."

"Oh, there's nothing to be ashamed of," Twilight continued, using her magic to try and pull the bag from your tight grip. "There's nothing wrong with trying to improve your mental health."

"Really, I'd much rather not think about this stuff, right now," you protested, trying to keep the magazines firmly in your grasp.

"Come on," Twilight whined. "We just want to help- WOAH!" she said, tugging slightly too hard and losing focus. The bag flew from your hands, spilling its contents all over the floor. Perverted ponies in provocative poses scattered across the floor for all of your friends to see. Everyone stared at them, eyes wide open, jaws hanging in surprise. You wouldn't be surprised if half of them weren't interested in talking to you, ever again.

"We... we'll just let you take those upstairs and forget we ever saw that you're into... that stuff..." Starlight said. A chorus of agreement followed.

You breathed a sigh of relief as you bent down to collect your smut. You quickly scampered up the stairs to stash these somewhere Spike would never find them.

"Hey, Rarity, mom was on the cover of one of those magazines!"