And Also Edward Cullen is There
HnnnnnnGUNPOWDER, TREASON, and PLOT
What the fuck is out story even going to be about
Alternate lines
Fuck it
WHO CARES JUST ALTERNATE LINES
Let’s just type at the same time and see what comes out of it
Ok fair
Once upon a time the Cutie Mark Crusaders were dumbfucks. They accidentally killed Princess Celestia, the worst sister, and would probably be tried for treason.
“Well shit!” exclaimed Scootaloo, “how the fuck are we going to explain this shit?”
“That’s easy, replied Sweetie Belle. “We don’t. As long as no one else knows, we’ll be okay, right?”
“That’s smart. You’re smart. I like you,” said Scootaloo, and then they kissed because the narrator said so. It wasn’t a good kiss. Apple Bloom heard gargling.
“So how the hell do we pull that off then?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Easy,” answered Apple Bloom. “Cutie Mark Crusaders necromancy!”
Scootaloo scratched her head. “Wait, we already have our cutie marks. Why do we keep doing this shit?”
Sweetie Belle closed her eyes, nodding and smiling smugly. “Easy. If we get multiple cutie marks, then we become Renaissance ponies. All those other ponies with their single cutie marks are so lame anyways.”
So they got together a bunch of ingredients: cocaine, gunpowder, water, iron, whatever the fuck they thought Princess Celestia usually had in her system. And they drew a big pentagram, and tried to bring her back.
“Who do we even invoke to bring the dead back to life?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Ah know! We should git Cozy Glow to inhabit her body!”
“Good idea Applebloom. I think I love you,” said Scootaloo. And then they made out. It was somehow worse than the last time.
And then the pentagram flowed and the winds swirled around the four bodies, one not so warm, and they invoked the spirit of Cozy Glow straight from Tartarus.
Celestia, the worst alicorn, rose from her makeshift grave of cocaine and a bunch of other unnecessary stuff that wasn’t needed to resurrect an alicorn.
Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo watched, breaths held, as she rose slowly, trembling, the dirt beneath her hooves rumbling.
Her eyes glowed briefly, and she spasmed, then slowly began to crawl towards the CMC. As she crept forward, her mouth opened, and she began to croak:
“Ed… ward…”
“Who? Edward who?” they screamed in unison.
“Cull…. en….”
“The vampire?” Applebloom cocked her head.
“He can…. help….” Whatever remained of Celestia was expelled from her body and all that remained was the psychopathic filly. ‘Celestia’ cracked her neck at an absurd angle and smiled to the three, trying out her new body.
“Well this is weird,” said Cozy Glow. “I feel the need to kidnap each of you and ship you to Bangladesh but inhabiting this body has kept me strangely at peace. I wonder why that is.”
“Tia, dear? Is that you?”
“Oh shit, act normal,” mumbled Sweetie Belle. “Hi Princess Luna! What are you doing up in the middle of the day?”
“Well,” grumbled Luna. “My sleep supplements appear to have vanished. Five minutes in the shitter and when I come back, the royal ‘melatonin’ stash appears to have vanished.”
“Yes, that’s right,” Scootaloo said, smiling as innocently as she could. “The royal melatonin stash.” She carefully kicked at the ground behind her, sweeping the cocaine in a neat and orderly pile. Unfortunately for her, the pile landed on a weighted pressure plate and triggered the tile to flip, sending the stimulant flying.
A couple minutes later, when the chef taste tested his food, he would experience for the first time in his life how to have a good time.
“Hello, sister,” said Cozy!Celestia. “I’ve changed my mind about something.”
Princess Luna ignored that Celestia had avoided her question completely. “Yes, Tia? What is it?”
Cozy!Celestia swallowed. “You know that friendship thing that has kept Equestria alive for all these years? That’s all well and all, you know, but why does it have to be so vague? Why can’t we assign numbers to it, base ponies’ social benefits and credit scores off of it, you know. And whoever has the highest friendship score at the end of the year gets to keep the pony with the lowest friendship score as an indentured servant, or something.”
Luna stared at her sister with the patience of a thousand moons. “You mean like a social credit system.”
Cozy!Celestia clapped her hooves together excitedly. “Yes! Exactly like a social credit system. I’m glad you read up, sister. Mao Ze Pone is excellent literary material.”
Princess Luna nodded. “He is, but he lacks that certain… bravado. What do you think, Cutie Mark Crusaders? How could we best install the teachings of Chairpone Mao into the roots of Equestria society?”
Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom breathed a collective sigh of relief. They hadn’t been caught, at least.
Apple Bloom stepped forward. “Well, I know farm ponies, and if there’s one thing that Equestria needs, it’s collectivism. For farm ponies to produce to the common good rather than valuing their own self.”
Princess Luna frowned. “I’m not sure I understand. Could you define what collectivism is, exactly?”
“Sure!” exclaimed Scootaloo. “Ahem. Collectivism is a value that is characterized by emphasis on cohesiveness among individuals and prioritization of the group over the self. Individuals or groups that subscribe to a collectivist worldview tend to find common values and goals as particularly salient[1] and demonstrate greater orientation toward in-group than toward out-group.[2] The term "in-group" is thought to be more diffusely defined for collectivist individuals to include societal units ranging from the nuclear family to a religious or racial/ethnic group.[3][4]”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened. “Wow. I didn’t know you could cite sources in dialogue. This opens a whole new world for me.” She took a moment to download the Internet, her head violently twitching as it processed the wealth of information. When she was done, she continued where Scootaloo left off. “The German sociologist Ferdinand Tönnies described an early model of collectivism and individualism using the terms Gemeinschaft (community) and Gesellschaft (society).[5] Gemeinschaft relationships, in which communalism is prioritized, were thought to be characteristic of small, rural village communities. An anthropologist, Redfield (1941) echoed this notion in work contrasting folk society with urban society.[6] Max Weber (1930) contrasted collectivism and individualism through the lens of religion, believing that Protestants were more individualistic and self-reliant compared to Catholics, who endorsed hierarchical, interdependent relationships among people.[7] Hofstede (1980) was highly influential in ushering in an era of cross-cultural research making comparisons along the dimension of collectivism versus individualism. Hofstede conceptualized collectivism and individualism as part of a single continuum, with each cultural construct representing an opposite pole. The author characterized individuals that endorsed a high degree of collectivism as being embedded in their social contexts and prioritizing communal goals over individual goals.[8]”
<More typing room haha it’s 4:20. I have no idea where I’m going with this. I’m so fucking sorry.
I’m shitposting too it’s ok
Suddenly, Edward Cullen from Twilight burst into the room and punched Cozy Glow in the face with lightning speed. She never saw what was coming.
The three screamed in unison, “I love you Edward!” as he charmed Cozy with his sexy vampire shimmer.
His sparklyness was too much for her and she was blinded by the human. “Ahhhhh!!!!!! Nooooo!!!!!!!” Cozy Glow’s soul evaporated into thin air and Celestia collapsed onto the floor once more in a pile of tangled limbs.
Luna poked her.
The CMC on the other hand, couldn’t keep their eyes off of the majestic man. “Where did you come from?”
“Me? I’m Luna’s boyfriend of the night.” He growled at Luna. The CMC almost puked.
“But I have to leave now, as no one can ever stay with a monster like me.” He clenched his fist and ran away into the night.
“Edward, my love.” Luna reached out for him before he scurried off. “You are not a monster. I- I think I love you.”
“I have a confession to make. I had been sleeping with your sister. When she was alive, of course. I’m not into that kind of thing.”
Luna became so angry she disintegrated her sister’s body into nothing but molecules, screaming into the night. “Why!!!!!!!!”
As Luna wailed or some shit, the Cutie Mark Crusaders let out a sigh of relief and clapped hooves. “Cutie Mark Cover Ups!”
And then they lived with the guilt, knowing they did that to Celestia for the rest of their lives. The end.
Author's Note
Citations to avoid being taken away in the middle of the night:
“Collectivism.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 2 Nov. 2019, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collectivism.
