My Name is Roxas from Kingdom Hearts
I had been waiting for this day for such a long time. Today was finally the day!
It was the day of the latest Comic-con in town and I had been super stoked to grab some awesome replica merchandise all year.
I had ridden my skateboard all the way to the convention, decked out in a perfect replica outfit of Roxas from Kingdom Hearts. For those of you who don’t know who he is, well… tough luck.
Anyway, I had been browsing the various stalls in the hall when a specific item caught my eye. It was a skateboard, but it wasn’t just any skateboard. It was a perfect replica of Roxas’ skateboard.
What? Show you a picture? No, I’m not going to. If you don’t know what it is, look it up.
Anyway, at that exact moment, I knew I had to have it. I handed the money to the man at the stall, who was a balding elderly man with a long grey beard. He was missing a few teeth, had on dirty clothes, toes that were festering with worms and he had a sort of crazy eye, but at that time, I didn’t think much of it. I was just so excited to have gotten a skateboard to match my replicated look that the suspicious look of the man didn’t bother me.
I had only taken one step after that when the world began to swirl around me. The old man at the stall laughed as my mind faded to black, but when I came to, I found myself in some sort of grassy field, complete with mountains and trees in the distance, along with a butterfly fluttering past my nose.
“What the…?” I sat up and looked around.
I had just been at comic-con. How in the world did I end up in a field?
I groaned and put my hands down at my side, knocking into something. I looked down to see it’s my Roxas skateboard. At least I still had that. Something felt different about me. As I reached up to scratch my head, I found the exact replica of Roxas’ hair I was wearing was now my actual hair. That was weird.
Getting up, I see a town just ahead in the distance, down a slope of grass. I really had no idea where I was, but perhaps someone there could help me.
I got on my skateboard and pushed myself, but the grass proved too difficult to skate on, so I got off and walked, carrying the replica item under my left arm. The skateboard itself also felt different. It felt heavier. Less plasticky.
How odd.
An idea suddenly came to my mind. What if I was now Roxas? Extending a hand, I summoned Oathkeeper into my hand in a flash of magic. I looked at it, stunned. I actually had Roxas’ keyblade. What, you want to know what it looks like? Well, I’m not gonna describe it, so you’ll have to find out on your own.
I gave it a few swings, then placed it back wherever I kept it when it disappeared. I actually had the powers of Roxas now. It made me feel really good.
As I looked down at the town, I realized it was a strange town, with my eyes able to see better once I got close enough. The buildings all looked disproportionate and some of them looked like they could fall over any minute, but still they stood. Horses and creatures of all kinds of colours walked around the streets, some even carrying shopping bags and some even wearing clothes. There were even some horses that looked like a mix between horses and humans. Kind of like werehorses.
“What in the blazes?” I breathed.
This all looked familiar. I had seen plastic toys like this before and my friends had spoken of a TV show they watched. I forgot what it was called, but there was no way any of this was real. It couldn’t be!
“Hello there!” a voice called out behind me.
While my mind was busy in thought, my body moved on its own, taking that as a challenge. It couldn’t resist, being the amazing memelord I was.
“General Kenobi,” I said very unintentionally.
A confused looking pink horse stood behind me, one brow lifted. She had a golden mane tied up into a ponytail, which I found quite funny.
A mane done up in a ponytail. And it also had a pony tail. Get it? Ponytail. Sometimes I kill myself. You know, amongst my many friends, I was the funniest and the best at everything.
“I’m… not sure what you mean…” the pony said slowly, tilting its head. By the sound of its voice, it had to be a female.
Wait a minute. Voice? Great, now horses can talk.
“I don’t know any General Ken-Nobby, but I’m Luster Dawn. Hi there. You seemed a little lost, so I thought I would offer my assistance.”
“I’m talking to a plastic pony…” I mumbled and wiped at my eyes. Unfortunately, she was still there when I opened them again. “Umm, just where am I?”
“You’re in Equestria!” she replied happily. Almost too happily. “Don’t worry, you’re not the first human here.”
“Hmm, okay. Wait, I’m not?”
“Nope! Come on, I’ll show you. We’ve got a nice hut prepared for all you lost humans.”
“L-Lost humans?” I stood unmoving as the pony walked by me, expecting me to follow her to some unknown location in the town.
“A lot of you appear here somehow. We had a place built just for your kind many years ago. We’ve refurbished a whole lot of it recently, but you’ll find it accommodates humans from all kinds of timelines. Come on, come with me.”
I scratched my head. This was getting weirder by the second, but seeing as I had no plan B, following the pony was the best option.
“Oh, before I forget…” Luster Dawn stopped again. “I didn’t get your name.”
I looked at the pony for a few seconds. Well, giving my name was easy, yeah. For sure. But then I looked down at myself and took in the replica clothing I had been wearing. The wig I had was now my actual hair and I could summon keyblades, and now, I even had the skateboard I bought from that creepy old man.
I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly felt this compulsion to assume his identity.
“My name is Roxas from Kingdom Hearts, the video game that we all know and love,” I told her like a boss. “The Key of Destiny, the Nobody of Sora.”
“Right, well, right this way, Roxas from Kingdom Hearts.” Luster Dawn trotted along as though without a care in the world.
I followed behind, now right at the edge of the town. All the ponies and other creatures turned to look at me, but none of them really seemed too surprised. I figured they’d probably seen lots of humans now, seeing as they had a special place built for them. One of those little werehorses pointed a finger at me as I passed and her mother said something to her that I couldn’t hear.
It was probably something about how cool I looked. You know what would make me look cooler? A trench coat. Nothing beats a black trench coat on a kid like me. I was the coolest kid in school, always wearing a trench coat to all my classes.
Luster Dawn led me all the way to a squarish white building that resembled a hospital a little further down from what looked like a marketplace.
“Well, this is it!” She waved a hoof at the establishment. “Home sweet home! I mean, that’s if you want to stay, of course.”
“Wait, I don’t want to stay. I want to find a way home.”
Luster Dawn chuckled and shrugged, that is, if ponies could shrug, I didn’t know. “To be honest, I don’t think we’ve found a way home for you humans. Normally you just… live your lives out here. Fall in love, have kids with the ponies, you know, stuff like that.”
“Ew, gross!” I almost gagged. “Really?” Luster Dawn flashed me a scowl. “Uh, sorry, I uh, no offense.”
Her smile resumed and she nodded. “None taken. I think it’s normal, for humans and ponies to fall in love, I mean. Hey, I really need to get going though. Maybe I’ll catch you later? I’ve got some friendship lessons to report. Why don’t you go in and meet some of the others? I’m sure they can tell you more. And again, welcome to Equestria, Roxas.”
“Oh. Sure. Okay then. I guess I’ll see you around.” I waved as Luster Dawn trotted off to the east part of the town.
After watching her go, I shrugged and went on into the establishment. Glass front doors slid open as I neared them, which was something I hadn’t been expecting. Everything else here seemed to look… simpler. Strange how this building had more proper technology.
The inside did indeed look like a hospital as well, complete with a shiny floor and plenty of chairs everywhere.
In one corner, there were clusters of round tables, where many humans were sitting and playing cards. In another, there were pinball machines, where a rather fat man was currently dominating the scores.
“Wow. Looks just like home…” I breathed. If not for all the colourful ponies and creatures I saw on the way in, I would never think I left my world behind.
“Hey, a newbie.” A man with a grey beard and a blue coat came over to shake my hand. “Been a while since we’ve had one of you. Unusual outfit you have on, friend. Where are you from?”
“From earth. Just like you, I’m sure?” I said. Then I remembered the replica gear I had. “Oh, I got these from… I mean, these are what I wear on a regular basis. I’m Roxas from Kingdom Hearts, the video game we all know and love.”
“Gee, you must be from a time before me,” the man chuckled. “Where I’m from, video games stopped bein’ produced. I’m Tommy, by the way. Come on, here, I’ll introduce you.”
I raised my eyebrow at him. Video games stopped being produced in a time after mine? Now that just sounds wrong. Then where would anyone get any replica outfits anymore?
Tommy stopped by a few people, and told me a little about them before moving on. I met Lara Croft, some woman who liked raiding tombs or something. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to do that, but she was really hot, so I let that slide. Then there was Kratos, the God of War. I actually recognized him from the video game series, though he looked a little different. He now had a beard and he looked less pasty, but then again, he told me he had been in Equestria for a long time.
After him I had met someone called Aqua, no not the one from Kingdom Hearts. She claimed she was a goddess and all, but I don’t know, she looked a little delirious to me.
Then there were more familiar faces, like Shay Patrick Cormac, Arthur Morgan, and even Iron Man himself. There are too many to list and I’m not about to name the rest for your convenience, but one characteristic about some of them, was that they had grown old. They must’ve already been here for at least three decades if they looked so frail.
There wasn’t much common ground between myself and all these… displaced humans, but there was one thing that we all seemed to have in common. We all arrived in Equestria either from losing consciousness, dying, or like me, dressing up as someone else with replica gear.
So it turns out that Lara Croft and Arthur Morgan wasn’t exactly Lara Croft and Arthur Morgan, but they were actually kids like me who became the character they dressed up as. I must say though, Lara turned out to be a good choice to dress up as.
“So there you have it,” Tommy said and sighed with content as he looked around the hospital floor. “These are my friends here. You’ll love it here, kid. It feels just like home. Oh, and the townsfolk out there ain’t too bad either. I fell in love with one of them. I have a kid. Called her Brightstar.”
Great, one of those guys. He just had to make it weird, huh?
“Sooo… how do we get back home? Has anyone figured that out?” I asked him.
“Get home?” Tommy gave me a pat on the back. “Roxas, ain’t no one’s ever found a way home. Not even the villains of our worlds, even with the likes of Chernobog and Omnigul.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, you’ll just have to make do with what you have here and live life to the fullest.”
I sighed. Talking with Tommy was getting me nowhere. I needed to find someone else. Someone who was willing to try.
“Is there… Is there anyone here who has tried to find a way home? Maybe I could talk to them? We could compare notes, figure something out?”
I just really wanted to get back home. My Playstation 4 was waiting for me. Uh, and my family too, of course. Yeah.
“Well, I don’t think anyone else has tried in a while.” Then he rubbed his chin and looked back to where a group of men were playing cards. “The last guy to try is over there. Though I’m not sure you’ll find anything much. You can go talk to him, see what you can find out.”
Tommy told me which of the men specifically and I thanked him before making my way over, determined to find a way home. I wasn’t going to be stuck here like these old geezers for years, doing nothing but playing cards. I don’t even like playing cards.
“Excuse me,” I said as I stopped behind the man Tommy had pointed out for me. He was a shaven-headed man, with a white beard, sitting there in a blue shirt and dark blue pants. He was the first to look up at me. “Hi there, I’m Roxas from Kingdom Hearts. The video game we all know and love.”
“Kingdom Hearts? That’s new.” The man turned back to his companions. “Any of you ever heard of this?”
“I have.” A man in green powered armor nodded and placed a card face down on the table. “Solaire mentioned something about it before. Said there was a guy called Axel from there or something.”
“Right. I’m Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy. Well, I used to be, anyway. So what do you need, kid?”
I took a deep breath. “I heard from Tommy over there that you had tried to find your way back home before but that you never did find your way home I mean that’s obvious seeing as you’re still sitting here doing nothing important but playing cards also do you know cards are so boring don’t you have any video game consoles here anyway I need to know-”
“Woah, slow down, kid. Give your words some pauses. Come on.” The commander patted me on the back. “Us old timers already have a harder time hearing things.”
“Good thing he’s not writing it.” The green armored one placed a card on the table. “It would be a pain to read something like that without any punctuation.”
I sighed, then I decided to turn my words down a notch, just because I’m such a nice guy and everyone loves me. Oh, and I have practically no flaws. I repeated everything I had said before, this time adding some pauses in between my sentences to let them catch up and process what I had said. After a while, the man stroked his white beard and leaned back in his chair.
“I’d like to help you, kid. But there isn’t any way back. I should know.” He put a hand on his chest. “I spent a good amount of my life searching. Searching again and again. But no dice, kid. As far as I know, there isn’t any way back to our worlds.”
“No, I refuse to believe that,” I answered stubbornly. I wasn’t going to just sit here and play cards till I was old. I wanted a way back. “There must be something you missed.”
“Good luck looking, then.” Shepard threw down an ace of clubs on the table. His competitors slapped their hands to their faces. “It’s better to not waste your life, but hey, it’s your life. You want to look, you go do that.”
“Surely you have some clues on where I can start.”
“There’s always the library.”
I groaned. “Books? I have to read? I’m too busy to be reading.”
The commander shrugged and played a three of clubs. “Busy? With what? Finding a way home, yes? Then get reading. You wanted a clue, here’s your clue.”
I groaned again. This was going to be a pain. I may be the smartest kid in school, the best kid on the field, the most loved of everyone in the world, but I really hated reading, though I must say, I could read about a thousand words per minute. Yeah, I’m quite skilled at a lot of things, did I fail to mention that?
“Kid wants it all easy and daisies.” A man with a blue shirt and holster laughed, making me angry. “Is anything ever easy, kid?”
He placed a hand on the table, which promptly disintegrated, dropping all their cards to the floor.
“Oh, not again…” The green armored man rested his helmeted head on a hand.
“I told you not to touch anything but the cards!” Shepard threw the rest of his hand on the floor.
“My bad.”
I stood there, almost ready to smash my replica skateboard over all three of their heads, but I changed my mind. All that was going to do was wreck my replica skateboard and I didn’t want that. If that was all the clues I was going to get, then so be it.
Turning on my heel, I went for the door and exited the building. The library was going to have to do. Judging from my amazing skills, if I could just force myself to read a few books, I knew I would find my way home. I would be the first human to find my way home.
Looking back at the building, I stuck my tongue out at it and got on my skateboard. When I find the way home, I wouldn’t be sharing it with any of these geezers. Though… Maybe I would make an exception for Lara.
“Hi, princess!” Luster Dawn trotted into the palace’s main hall. “I have some lessons to report today.”
“Just in time, Luster Dawn.” Princess Twilight Sparkle looked up from a scroll she was reading. “I had reports that another human had finally appeared. You led him to town?”
“Ah, yes. I did.” She nodded happily. “I was even nice about it too! He seemed… off, but he’s no villain at least.”
“Very good.” Twilight put down her scroll and nodded. “Please, do tell me all about your friendship lessons.”
As Twilight listened, she couldn’t help but smile, not just at the fact that her student was progressing well, but also on the fact that another human had been pulled in Equestria after so many years. She had left dozens, if not thousands of artifacts in different realities where humans came from. All any of them had to do was to purchase one and they would be whisked away, just like that.
After all these years, she still could not figure out why everyone still woke up in Equestria, either from dying or falling unconscious, but after so many years of no one popping up like that, she had devised her artifacts to bring more here by another means.
Sure, some of them caused trouble and some of them were a little nosy, like that Commander Shepard before he simmered down, but it was still amusing to see these humans struggle to fit in or to find a way home, or the best option, falling in love and settling down with a pony or griffin or something else. The little foals they produced were such interesting creations, after all.
Now that she ruled Equestria, Twilight could do just about anything she wanted, all the experiments she could conduct, and nopony was going to stop her. These humans were very interesting. There was still so much to learn about them, and she had all the time in the world to do so now.
Author's Note
Hi, everyone! I wanted to say thanks for reading to the end of this.
Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who wrote stories of famed characters waking up in Equestria, be it the actual characters or some guy dressing up as them and assuming their identity. These have always made me ask how and why people keep waking up there.
Who knows... Does anyone really?
Cheers!
Once again, this is meant to be a satire, so it's really not meant to be taken seriously. 
