Bad Crowd

Sneaking into a nation was kinda easy, all you have to do is get past the shit tons of pony guards the matriarch as just deployed to keep people (Like me) out. I climbed the fence and dropped onto the ground with a *Thud* and a *Ow...* and dove behind a cactus as a guard started walking by. “Why are they all white?” I mumbled as he walked past. I began a mad dash further into the desert area towards where I flew away from that one town, I was actually following the path I took a few hours ago. As I ran the land got greener and forest-ier the father I went until finally I made it to the small little pony town I was in not too long ago. “Good times...” I sighed happily as I slid down a gravel hill. As I neared the bottom of the hill the thought hit me that the ponies might remember a tall hairless thing. “Damn, I need to change.” I muttered and thought for a moment. “Oh wait, I have magic! DAH!” I imagined myself changing into a pony with a gray mane and tail, a white pelt, and a horn. When I opened my eyes I was shorter, when I held up a han- I mean hoof it was white.

“YES! It worked! Now to get in there and think of something awesome to do.” I found it surprisingly easy to walk so I made my way happily into the town. Without knowing it I gave myself the mark of a shield on my arse like one of those guard ponies, so I got a tons of respect and stuff but the fact they looked at my ass to figure out to show respect kinda disturbed me. After a while of acting like a big shot a random pony with a dark purple coat and flowers on her bum walked up to me.

“Hello sir, are you a off duty guard?” I had to think about this for a moment, on the down side she would get angry with me (For some reason) and kick my face in, and on the plus side I could get payed or something.

“Yes I am, can I help you with something?” She got a happier look and shook my hoof.

“Yes, I’m Cheerilee and I was hoping you would come with me and my class to Canterlot for a walk through the royal gardens.” So I get to go to a big city at the beginning of my adventure? So glad I payed $50 for this game.

“Alright, I had nothing better going on anyway.” She did a clapping motion and made me follow her through town and to a train station that was almost packed with smaller ponies, like kids I guess.

“Alright kids! Everypony on the train for Canterlot!” They all ‘YAY!’ed and piled onto the train. I followed Cheerilee onto the train and sat next to her. “So what’s your name if I can ask.”

“Jake.”

“Well mister Jake, what kind of adventures have you been on, being in your line of work and everything.” As soon as that question left her mouth ALL the kids turn to me with curious eyes.

“Um, well this one time I stopped a bank robbery.” ‘Ooh’s and ‘Ah’s filled the train and the whole ride I made up stories of life threatening adventures. When the train stopped I was half way through a story about how I saved the princess from a dragon. “Story time over.” I laughed when they all went ‘AWWWWWWW!’, hey it was funny. We got off the train and I was saluted by some guards, I hope this mark didn’t mean a high rank or someone might yell at me. We walked through the streets, high class looking ponies complementing my mane or something and guards gave me a salute every time we passed them. Sooner or later we got to the castle gates.

“Excuse me while I get our passes.” Cheerilee said while she began rummaging around in some sorta saddle bags.

“No need.” I said and approached one of the guards at the gate. “Open up, I promised these young ones a tour of the gardens.” The guard nodded rapidly and ran into a door to the side of the main gate. “You!” I spun around and looked at the other guard, he shot into a salut. “What’s my rank?” I asked in a quiz like voice, to make it seem like I was testing him.

“High commander! Rivaled only by the captain of the guard! SIR!” He said in the most ‘unworthy’ sounding voice ever, as if I was going to turn him into a snail and cover him in salt.

“Who is captain of the guard?” I asked, still quizzing him.

“Captain Shining Armor! SIR!” This was a funniest thing I ever done.

“Very good, keep up the good work.” I dismissed as the gates opened. “Alright, everypony in.” Did I just say everypony? I need to get out of here soon. Out of pure random I led them to the gardens. “Ok miss Cheerilee, teach your class.” She nodded and went to explaining some statues I let my mind wonder by this point. At some point I saw a large dark pony with both wings and a horn leave the gardens. “Wonder who he is...” I muttered, after about two hours Cheerilee came back with the kids, three were kinda fighting but when they saw me they stopped as if I would chew them out like a drill sergeant. “Hey there, everypony have a good time?” There I go again. They all nodded excitedly. “Good, I guess you should head on out then, I have to check some things here.” They all nodded again and walked off back towards the gates. “Now it’s time for my walk around the garden, see if I can’t get away with setting stuff on fire.” I giggled darkly and began to walk around the garden looking for something that would take a while to find if it were set on fire.

Soon I came to a cracked statute that looked like something sewn together with a bunch of creatures while the person doing yawned. “Damn, you ugly.” I chuckled.

“You’re not such a looker yourself.” Ouch, burned by a statue. “Mind getting me out of here? I know your a pony but if you look deep into your heart you’ll-” I slowly shifted back into my human form with my nightmare armor equipped.

“What heart?” I grinned evilly and put a hand up to my chin. “I was right, you're a fugly bastard, and your a kissass, I can see it now.”

“You dare mock me?”

“Damn straight, who are you anyway?” I asked while raising an eyebrow at the building block menace.

“I, am Discord, spirit of disharmony.”

“You kinda sound like Q from star track.” I deadpanned, no really he sounded like him! The statue couldn’t move but  I could tell he had a bemused look. “You mad bro?” I put on my best troll face.

“I mad, mad cause you won’t let me out!” He almost growled at me.

“Now that’s no way to ask for help, I got five minutes here before princess Peach finds out I’m here and decides to kick my ass back to the badlands. Now ask nicely.” I grinned devilishly at the statue, who sighed in annoyance.

“Can you please help me get free?”

“And promise to serve me if what ever your going to do fails.” This made him laugh, it always makes those arrogant ones laugh.

“Oh very well, it is not very likely I will lose or fail, how about when I’m ruling everything you serve me?”

“Deal!” I flouted right up to where the crack was on his chest and poked it with a little bit of power, making the stone crumble away and showing the mighty patchwork whatever in full glory. “PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON! You look way too human to be running around naked!” When I looked again he was wearing a tie. “.....Better.” I commented. “Now go! Do what ever it was you were going to do and when you end up like before I’ll come pick you up, ciao.” I snapped my fingers and teleported where I had left Nightmare, which was replaced with a huge dark hall with a throne at one end, and a large set of double door at the other end. “Damn girl, you work fast!” I complimented as I looked around. She put up suits of armor that looked like humans, torches, a chandelier, everything to make a castle look fancy.

“I looked into your mind and saw a castle that seemed to fit you.” I spun around to see her suddenly sitting on the throne, damn she looked good. “I even made the creatures that were in the castle to guard the many halls.” Oh my god this girl was after my heart, I swear. She got up and began walking towards me shakily, I forgot she was originally a cloud and therefore had no legs, but those legs, DAYYYYYYUUUUMM!

“You did wonderfully with the place dear, now make me a sandwich.” Too much? I was about to say I was kidding when a sandwich slapped me in the face. “Oh, thank you.”

“Your welcome.” She said as if there were no problems. I walked over to the throne while munching on the sandwich and took a seat.

“Now my dear, we wait for stupidity to give us a new minion.” I chuckled as I finished the sandwich.

---A few hours later.---

I must have fallen asleep cause when I woke up Nightmare was sitting on my lap, leaned up against me, and sleeping. “Aww.” I whispered and picked her up. I got up and set her in the throne as not to wake her up. “Now to return to the garden place and pick up Discord.” I chuckled and teleported to the garden area, imagine the surprised looks of the guards when I popped up out of nowhere right in front of stoned Discord. “Sup boys? I’ll just be taking this idiot and be on my way.” I snapped my fingers and the guards passed out. I snapped them again and the statute of Discord detached itself from its perch and flouted over and next to me. “We’re out.” I chuckled and snapped my fingers, returning to the castle.

--- Later that night.---

“Ya let ‘em DO WHAT?!”

Cheerilee shrunk in fear. Eldorado was making a fool out of her in front of the whole neighborhood watch group. He leaned over her, as if he felt higher up than her.

“I-I’m sorry,” she wimpered, “We needed another chaperone, and I couldn’t get Miss Sparkle to come! Please, forgive me.”

“WHAT IF ‘DIS GUY WAS SOME SORTA FOAL MOLESTER? THEN WHAT?”

“He looked legitimate,” she fired back, “He had the same haircut and everything!”

“Well,” Eldorado growled back, “Ghost from ‘dat True Capitalist Radio thing has a Southern Accent, and ah do too. DOES THAT MAKE MEH GHOST?!”

The old pegasus calmed down, and began to practice deep breathing.

“These are strange tahms, mah little ponies. Hooves’s  house got BLOWN UP today, and there’s been reports to stay off major highways, ‘cuz they’ve turned to SOAP! Whatever is happening, ah’m gettin’ to the bottom of it. Celestia made meh Ponyville’s communiteh leader in case of an emergency back in ‘52, mainly for nukes, and ah believe this is ‘da time where ah need to STEP UP to ‘da call ‘o duty.”

“You mean, like, the video ga-?”

“SHUT YO’ ASS, SNAILS, WE AIN’T GOT TAHM FOR ‘DAT CRAP! Look, ponies, this is SERIOUS. Y’all sleep tight, though, I’mma find the sumbitch responsible, and GIVE ‘EM JUSTICE! Meetin’ adjourned.”