The Sparkle Letters

Dear Princess,

Today I discovered what 'pornography' is. Apparently, humans are not very good at seeking out relationships. I don't know why, but they don't feel magic when they interact with each other.

In fact, I cannot feel any magic in this place other than my own. Perhaps I shouldn't dwell on it.

Back to the topic at hand--er, hoof. Humans are not good at finding relationships of any kind. Thus, when they are sexually frustrated, they often turn to images of humans engaged in sex acts, or...ponies, engaged in sex acts. Evidently, they have a very complicated relationship with their stories. Barack tells me that, in the human world, everything that exists has been made into some form of porn. I assured him that, as the princess of friendship, I will do my best to help him find companionship, though I am likely not as skilled as Cadence would be. His face grew red at this, and I took it as a sign that he was offended--I apologized, and then he apologized, and there was quite a lot of talking over each other before I realized: He thought I was saying I would lay with him.

Obviously, I didn't. It would be a conflict of interest of the highest order for a diplomat to engage a foreign dignitary in coitus. I shall leave it at that. Suffice to say, human courtship rituals are incredibly strange.

Your student, Twilight Sparkle

Curse that pretty purple pain in my posterior! I should have known that Twilight would lay a trap for me. I thought I was going to get the drop on her with this traced teleport spell--that I would land right on top of her, overpower her, and quickly gain control of the lynchpin of Equestria's defenses! But no, instead I found myself in this land of towering stone and bipedal freaks. Worse than that, they have no love to give me! Or so it seems, anyway. The one I encountered seemed more than willing, but when I drained him of his emotions...there were no emotions to drain! It was as if the thing simply didn't have any magic in it. I fear for my safety here. I need to find something that has magic, something I can feed off of.