You Got To Be Yakking My Chain!
Humans are able to travel to the land of Equestria.
It's just a bit hard to do so.
It would be like finding a pony in a box. Sure everybody wants to, but the chances of actually finding an age regressed Rainbow Dash is extremely rare. My sister thought she found a Pinkie in a box once but turned out to be a box of cotton candy.
No, finding ponies to raise as my children aren't my main priority!
I'm in search of actually traversing the dimensional universe and joining the pony society. You've heard the stories about people finding shady merchants with little to no personality beyond creepy. They sell you an obviously cursed item, which to the surprise of nobody will strip you of your humanity and reshape you into a colorful petite equine.
Yes, I'm searching for that merchant!
Sure, I might just even switch sexes along the way…
But a small price to pay, to live among the ponies I dream of so dearly.
Long story short, there are several ways to become a pony.
The most common is the merchant, which sadly is rare to see outside of conventions.
Sure, I could simply buy my way into said Bronycon!
But what if inside, I find no merchant and just souvenirs?
I'd be out of money and no closer to my dream.
Another way to be granted a pony life is to die. Yep, apparently, the act of a horrible demise might just end up in being reincarnated. Of course, I'm far too scared to try this option out, what if I stepped out in front of a truck.
And instead of a fun-filled land of friendship, I dunno, I simply woke up in the fiery pits of hell.
Suicide does that, you know.
A third way is to find Discord, he's like having six merchants!
But way harder to find…
If I did somehow find him though, I could be displaced as somepony really cool! Like Princess Celestia or even Luna, I'd be happy to live my life as Prince Blueblood too, you wouldn't find this guy bitching about it.
But alas, other than standing around praying that Discord finds me. That option isn't really promising in the long run. I suppose that my chances of finding equine salvation are dubiously low, what breaks my heart is hearing about other people transforming on a weekly basis.
No really!
I've heard of one guy out there, who's transformed into something like over fifty various ponies! I mean how is that even possible!? Here I am without a single change under my belt, and this guy gets to become everypony under the sun!
I'm jumping off-topic, the fact is I'm just unlucky!
I can't find a merchant without bankruptcy.
I'll find ten leprechauns before I do Discord.
I'm afraid to die.
And cursed pony emails, have only given my computer viruses instead of a cutie mark on my hip.
If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!
My name is Austin Stern.
A forgetful name for a forgettable person.
I'm like a whisper on the breeze, passing by you during the hectic chaos of the day.
Yet just like that, gone!
Like a fart in the wind…
I never claimed to be a professional writer, so take my words with a grain of salt.
“You don't look like you belong here?” The melodic voice of a strange woman suddenly snapped me back into my cruddy reality as a convenience store manager.
I had actually forgotten that I stepped out into this freezing weather for a smoke. My hands extra numb from the brisk icy air, cheeks burning a bright red as even my bargain bin jacket did little to protect my weak human body from the elements.
Tilting my head to the nearby alleyway, I could see the source of that truly ominous voice. It belonged to a small framed woman of unknown age or ethnicity, she was completely dressed in an oversized black cloak which hid away her features deviously.
The cloak itself wasn't those cool merchant cloaks either. More like a mix between something a wizard wannabe would wear and a bathrobe, let me just say that I wasn't the only one shopping in the bargain bin.
She sat on her rump atop a large turquoise colored quilt. Items of unknown origin and various stages of decay surrounded her as if in a ritualistic manner. Indeed this woman wasn't of this world, mayhaps not even of any world in particular.
“So fellow traveler?- would you like to browse this merchant's wares?” She giggled lifting her head until only translucent blue eyes were visible from the darkness.
“Merchant!? You're a Street Vendor at best…” I snorted aloud sarcastically, this woman not quite impressing me, to say the least.
“And you're a twenty-something man child, who desires to live among the ponies!” She gave a hiss in dissatisfaction.
“But how!?” Even if I knew the answer, I was still flabbergasted that a dimensional traveler had found me.
“How is not important, you wish to learn more about the equines of a distant land?” She quipped with a feminine pop of her lips.
“Yes, more than anything!”
“You desire to be taught friendship?” She grinned a crooked smile full of mischief.
“Are you able to sell me an object or not!?” I shivered in place freezing to death.
I would've loved to continue this song and dance longer, but I could barely feel my feet at the moment and needed to get warm desperately. With a feminine huff of annoyance, the woman held out a dainty pastel green shawl.
“Here, satisfaction not guaranteed! If warnings you do not heed!” I took the shawl in hand, brow raised high in curiosity.
This was the moment I dreamed of for years. Though I have to admit the whole experience left an anticlimactic taste in my mouth, twirling the girlish garment over my shoulders I awaited my turn to be spirited away to Equestria.
Though for the life of me, I couldn't remember any ponies in the show who wore a shawl.
“No refunds.” She gave a snap of those thin pale fingers.
I felt a gust of wind dance across the sky, my hand lifted to shield myself from the sudden aggressive attitude of the weather. Her laughter tracing over the alley wickedly, vanishing as soon as she had appeared.
“Why would I want a refund? This is my…” I could feel a sudden pain forming on the sides of my skull.
It must be the shawl taking hold of my body, I felt as if I were suddenly on fire. The icy wind around me being absolutely blocked out with ease, my body temperature was skyrocketing if anything.
“Why am I feeling so hot!?” I tumbled out into the alley becoming disoriented.
My mouth opening to pant as I fell to my knees in a jolt of horrible pain. Two sharp tips began to forcefully press their way out of my head, I lifted my hands up screaming as I could feel them quickly increasing in size.
“Arghh! Why am I growing horns!?” my eyes widened in sheer terror.
Two massive black horns grew outward until femininely curving inward near the top. My hands clutching these horrid atrocities firmly, this wasn't anything like I dreamed of. “That damn Street Vendor tricked me!” I could feel muscles swelling on my upper backside.
I struggled to stand up straight the relentless weight of the extra-large hump on my back forcing me to all fours in pain. I groaned out helplessly as I waddled deeper into the alley. “Please, yak wanted to be pony!” the reality of what I was becoming sinking in.
Pounds of insulating fat began to swell under my clothes. I heard them rip at the seams with pathetic ease, my face starting to stretch far wider than anypony would have. The world was spinning out of control around me, my search for Equestria would soon be over.
My life as a yak, just beginning.
You Got To Be Yakking My Chain!
My whole body felt massive and as if I widened out by a mile.
My eyes were out of focus the world a blur of dull colors. My face felt out of place and sore as if I might have kissed a semi-truck. Looking to my hands I was greeted by tiny black hooves, noticing my whole body was now covered by soft plush brown fur.
“Yak feels like a boulder, boulder smashed by yak!” I heard my voice speak in a soft but excited tone.
I could feel my cheeks burn a bright red color. My heart racing in my chest like a stampede of wild buffalo, I forced myself to my petite hooves feeling an extreme amount of weight suddenly anchor me down to the grass below.
Walking forward I felt unbalanced. Each step was accompanied by a cute dainty wobble, the weight of my rotund frame causing me to stumble and crash down in front of a murky puddle of rainwater.
Gasping I saw the saddened reflection of Yona stare back at me with pale green eyes, my nose wide and a dark black color. Muzzle colored a cute white hue as I felt my newly reshaped ears twitch femininely in place.
I was indeed a yak, my mane tied into two large braided pigtails on each side of my face. Why did I jump at the first offer of a new life? Deep down knowing I was bamboozled by that sly Street Vendor, I should've known by her bathrobe, she was bad news.
With a flick of my eyes, I glanced upward to such a beautiful sight. I was in a massive open meadow that was truly vibrant beyond compare. The icy sting of winter gone replaced by the lovely caress of the sun upon my backside, the sky above the clearest blue I've ever seen in my life.
This was the Equestria I had only seen in my fantasies. It was more beautiful in person, then in the fleeting memories of my dreams. Batting my longer lashes I gazed down to my plump barrel chest, of course, I'd prefer to have been a pony.
“Yona, are you feeling ok?” The shy whisper of a familiar voice echoed from behind, I pushed myself to stand on jello hooves.
“Erm!? Yona fine, yak a perfectly normal yak!” I blurted out in my newly acquired accent of Yakyakistan, my hooves giving out as I plopped to the ground in a large cloud of dust.
Ocellus scrunched her tiny muzzle a tad confused by my actions, I had never seen a changeling up close before, it was beyond amazing. “Well, you keep falling over?” She spoke up in an inquisitive manner.
“Oh, well just Yona feels a bit...fat.” my lips curled into a cute anxious smile.
Ocellus simply burst into a series of giggles, lifting her hoof she hid away a warm smile. With a tiny canter over, she caringly kneeled down at my side offering aide.”You're not fat silly.” I took her hoof lifting back to my hooves smiling.
“Thank you, yak just feels…” my cheeks burned a light pink.
“I know, a bit out of place?” she quirked a brow.
I gave my heavy brown coat a small shake off, everything felt way off in the distance. I wasn't used to being so small, the world towering around me as if I were a simple speck on the wind. “Mm-hmm!” I squealed out under my breath with a nod.
“I feel the same way sometimes, but we oddballs need to stick together.” Ocellus winked as she began to canter off into the distance towards town.
I might not be a pony, but at least I had a friend who wasn't the type to judge. Smirking I tried to match her feminine canter, my legs no way in Tartarus going to match her graceful strides. I quickly crashed to the ground like a bag of potatoes.
“Yona!” She spun around with a gasp.
My face lifted up covered in dirt, as I giggled. “Yona fine! Yak just not meant to canter...yet!”
Ponyville was alive with the hustle and bustle of my equine friends. A rainbow of color spread out across the landscape as we entered the local market. My tongue gently pressed off to the side of my mouth, while I bounced over to each booth in excitement.
“Fruits are big like yak!” I squealed out girlishly holding up a massive watermelon in my hooves.
My eyes catching a glimpse of another booth overflowing with homemade pony figurines. “These figures are ultra awesome!” I scooped up two hooves worth of these adorable treasures in my powerful yak arms.
“They are ok?” Ocellus spoke with pursed lips.
“Just ok!? Look at this one, it looks just like changeling!” I pressed a googly-eyed turquoise changeling figure in her face, a tiny squee escaping its lips.
“I'm not sure my eyes look quite like that?” She tilted her head off to the side.
“Market is best, like giant cooking pot!” I screamed in satisfaction giving the toys a tight hug.
“Yona, I think you mean Melting Pot.” A loud crunch filled the air.
I glanced down at the shattered pieces of plastic clinging to my new tangled fur. “Uh, Yona fixes, Yona promises!” I giggled nervously dropping the figures to the ground by accident.
Gasping I bent over in horror to scoop them up, I'm having too much trouble gauging just how wide I've become. My overly plump rump smacking the booth with a loud pop, the weak wooden frame creaking loudly before caving in on itself.
“Yona…” I whimpered as the salesmare cast death glares towards my direction.
“You've destroyed my whole stock!” She growled with a hateful sneer.
“Yak very sorry!” I swallowed a growing lump in my throat.
“Sorry doesn't replace my booth, you dumb clumsy oaf!” Her words stung my heart like a wasp, I might have expected such a reply from people of my human world but not the ponies.
“I...I..” Each word stumbled more than the last, a humongous group of ponies had begun to gather around giggling and looking down at me in amusement.
“She said she was sorry! Yona, just doesn't know her own strength sometimes.” Ocellus stood out in front of my trembling frame bravely.
“Yaks shouldn't even be allowed near the market! They're just too big!” The salesmare snorted pressing her pink snout firmly against that of Ocellus.
I watched terrified as my tiny blue friend morphed into a gigantic snarling Ursa Minor. “Am I too big as well!?” She roared out with sheer ferocity. The collected group of ponies screaming in unison, darting off in all directions horrified.
“Ahem!” The unamused voice of Starlight Glimmer caught our attention.
Ocellus quickly morphed back to normal blushing. “Back to school, now!” her voice echoed from behind us both. I was too frightened to turn and face her at this moment, I simply hunched over on the ground in shame.
Looking at my friend Ocellus in trouble because of me.
A stream of tears rolling down my cheeks.
