Of All Trades

It was that time again.

The "Summer Sun Celebration". The longest day of the entire year, and the day that Celestia raises the sun for all of the ponies to see. It was in Fillydelphia this year, and I was sure to attend. It generally went well every year.

Well, except last year, where some crazy chick who just so happened to be Celestia's sis tried to make it nighttime eternal. Not all was bad, though, as the elements of harmony kicked her ass. Happy endings, huh?

If all goes well tonight, we will have no happy endings.

Did I forget to introduce myself? My name is Jack Spade. I'm an assassin. And tonight, my target is the Regent of the Sun, Princess Celestia.

CHAPTER 1: FUN IN THE SUN

I had picked out a pretty good spot. From this angle, my 50. could hit her in the head with undeniable accuracy. She be'd out like a light in 10 seconds flat. Who made that popular, anyway? Was it Dashie? It was Dashie. Anyways, I had the shot, and half a million bits, lined up perfectly. Until I heard a voice behind me.

"H-hey! S-stop."

I sighed and turned around. It was a royal guard, and, by the look of him, he was a rookie. Rookies. I remember that time in Neigh Orleans...sorry, getting off track. I pointed the rifle at him.

"I'm going to give you a riddle. If you answer it, I'll let you go. Got it?" the guard nodded.

A veteran would have easily noticed that had I fired the gun and shot him, I would have given myself away and would be arrested on the spot. Not rookies! They haven't figured out that little bit. Also, he pcould have just attacked me right there on the spot.

"What's black and white and red all over?" I asked.

"A-a newspaper." answered the guard.

"Really? Hmm, I was thinking "Sunburned Zebra"...ah, you replaced red with read! I see what you did there, you clever little guard! I don't know if I should shoot you or let you go...how about this. I won't shoot you."

The guard gave a sigh of relief.

Which turned into a scream of terror. We happened to be on a balcony, so I casually threw him over the rail. What? I've done much worse. One time, I dressed up as the Slender Pony and-off topic again.

With that little distraction, I lined up my shot to see the Regent of the Sun and Moon looking over to the fallen guard. I was about to shoot when a cold object pressed against my neck.

"Not so fast."

I turned around to see the captain of the royal guard, Shining Armor, with a SIG Saur pressed against my throat.

"Heh, heh...wanna hear a riddle?"

EXECUTION OF JACK SPADE

Did you know they still used chopping blocks? I didn't. The only executions I've ever seen are the ones I carried out myself. Than again, Equestria doesn't really get a chance to execute often, so I'm sure the royal guards are super excited. They probably can't wait to lop my flippin' head off. Is that a popcorn vender? Damn...I want some.

"Jack Spade, Hitmare for Hire." said Princess Luna, standing next to Princess Celestia who was overseeing my death.

"And you're Nightmare Moon, right?" I asked, smiling.

"DO NOT CALL US NIGHTMARE MOON, CRIMINAL! WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA!" she responded in her Canterlot voice.

"More like "Lunatic". Say, do you know any dragon shouts? The Dragonborn ain't got nothin' on you." I responded.

Celestia sighed while was blowing smoke out of her nostrils.

"Does the criminal have any pleas against the crime?" asked Celestia, giving me a death stare. Fluttershy would crumble beneath the stare that was being given to me by the Princess of the Sun.

"Hmm...nope. I did it. Tried to, anyway. I failed. Hey, about the popcorn dude, can I-" I said.

"SILENCE! This is a serious offense! You attempted to kill me, on the Summer Sun Celebration no less! You should be thankful that I'm making your death quick and painless!" she shouted. A purple unicorn next to her was cowering in fear.

"Actually, I would like to thank Shining Armor on this one." I said casually.

"...why?" asked the princess slowly.

"Well, he forgot to check me for weapons." I responded.

I opened my mouth. Inside was a little gun that shot tiny needles. Inside these needles was a liquid that was knock people out instantly. It also served as a knife, which I would need for my bound wings and hooves. I shot the guards surrounding me and I freed my wings and my hoofs.

about 20 royal guards surrounded me, so I flew up in the air and took off. I was pretty fast for a pegasus, giving off 30 wing power to Rainbow Dash's 60. I began to fly north before I heard a bullet fly past me. They were shooting!

I flew higher higher until I was concealed by the clouds before I took a quick breather. They would be sending a search party soon, So I had to move, and quickly. Where would I go? I would need a rural place live where not many folk came around.

Ponyville.

Wait a minute. Didn't, like some of the elements live there? That would be trouble...but It would be worth the risk. I had to go to Ponyville to avoid detection from the public eye. IT was either there or Los Pegasus, my home town, and I couldn't go back there after what just happened.

I flew in the direction of Ponyville as fast as I could, not looking behind me, not slowing down. I had to things to do.

The first was to find out who sent me that contract.

The second was to kick his, or her, ass.

PONYVILLE

Well, here I was. Ponyville. It was huge, but not a lot to fill the space. It looked old-timey. like something that would be around in the colonial days. It was a start. The first thing I needed to do was get a map of this place. I looked to the right to find a tree with a door and the word "Library" written on it. They would have a map for sure!

I opened the door and went inside. A purple pony was at a desk reading a book.

"Ponyville Library, what can I get for-" She looked up at me, gaping.

"You...you're the..."

I flew out the door faster than Derpy eating a muffin.