As dusk begins to die outside and give way to the dark, you march through the white marble halls of the castle. Thoughts rush through your head as you pass ancient paintings. You glare at the one of that explorer Farseer, and his green piercing eyes follow you across the room. Then came Brightsmile's portrait;

It was a small thing. Brand new. From your limited understanding of these creatures, the Stallion in it was in his forties or fifties. He had a few grey hairs on his temples and fringe.
And once again, his green eyes were staring at you. Boring into your head.

Looking back at identical eyes.

You shake your head clear. Pure coincidence. Lies. All of it was surely a grand lie. But the whispers in your mind tell you, you have to be sure. You have to be certain. To stop and return to blissful ignorance was gone now. For good or ill, you had to know the truth of the matter.
With a last glance towards that portrait, you make your way towards the throne room. Two guards stand outside, and they move to stop you.
“She's expecting me,” You lie firmly.

The two guards look at one another, then back to you.
"Are you sure? She didn't mention having a meeting with anypony like you," One of them points out.

“There are no ponies like me," You growl. "Only me. Let me pass."

You stare at the two of them, and they don't make any motion they intend to move aside. Your blood runs cold for a moment, and almost to your own surprise to raise your fists. They move into a combative stance, the unicorn on the right lowering his horn while the Pegasis unfurls her wings.

You push your foot ever so slightly forwards, ready to fight when Celestia's silken voice comes through the door, interrupting you and the guards.
”Come in, Anonymous.”

You take a breath, sigh, and lower your fists before tightening your grip on the diary inside your waistcoat. As the guards stand aside and let you pass, still glaring at you, you make your way within the throne room.

You don't flinch as the doors slam shut behind you and simply keep walking the long distance from that great entrance all the way towards the Princess of the Sun, sitting upon her golden throne. In her eyes is confusion, despite letting you come through. But also pity.

Damn her pity.

You reach into your waistcoat and pull out her diary from within its confines. Her violet eyes fall upon it even from this great distance and fear and trepidation gather on her face. “Do you mind telling me a little more about Brightsmile? Or perhaps Nergúi? Or even whatever The Beast in the Long Grass might be?”

You cannot keep the anger and pain from your voice. Cannot keep the fear from it either.

”Anon. I...” She says as you keep marching forward, trying to look conciliatory as she rises off the throne.

“Don't. I don't want to be consoled, I don't want metaphors or silken words. I want the truth," I demand. "Why am I here!"

She looks into your eyes. Pleading with you not to ask. Perhaps pleading for you to forget all of this. And to your sorrow, you wish you could. But you were never going to get your wish.

“What is happening? Who is Brightsmile! Who is Nergüi! Who died on the roof at that castle one thousand years ago! Who did you bury on the day I arrived here!" You shout, your fists clenching around the diary in your hand, the knuckles turning bone white. A tear forms at the edge of your right eye. "Why am I here? Cosmically?”

You begin to break down. Begin to hyperventilate as she merely sits there and watches you.

Breathe
Breathe.
Collect yourself.

You steel yourself as you make the final few steps towards her, standing at the bottom of the steps leading to her raised throne upon the dais. She looks at you, unblinking, unshakingly. Just stares in dejection. You can barely bring your voice above a whisper.

“Answer me.”

She smiles, a sad, tired smile of regret and acceptance both. The Princess of the Sun finally begins to move off her throne and trot towards you, her metal horseshoes echoing throughout the empty hallway.
”How did you find out? Was it just my diary?” She asks, nodding towards the book in your hand, but you shake your head.

“I... Nightmare Moon made me remember Nurgúi's death. And the dreams haven't exactly helped in that regard. The book just confirmed what I quietly feared,” You explain. You look down dejectedly at your feet against the polished white marble, sighing before looking back up into her own tearful violet eyes as another thunderbolt splits the sky. "Mayhaps what I always knew."

"Would it surprise you to know this is not the first time we've had this conversation?” She asks, attempting to sound jovial, but you can hear her voice cracking beneath the surface.

And there it is. Confirmation that this was all true. This wasn't some ploy of Luna/Nightmare Moon, or some other prankster with access to Celestia's diary. This was her. It was the truth.

You lower your head again.
“How many times?”

Celestia swallows something before placing one of her front hooves on your shoulder, but you throw it off angrily.

"Don't touch me," You growl, you voice cracking on that last word. "Don't..."

She nods and trots back, looking ashamed.
"I'm sorry, Anon. I've known a few of you, a few of your reincarnations. Nergüi, obviously. Galerian, Farseer, The Wanderer of the badlands, a... Man in Zeborica," she explains, stumbling over that last part.

A tear forms at the edge of your eye, but you wipe it away quickly and look up to glare into her violet eyes.
“Why didn't you tell me?”

She nods to you, move back again ever so slightly.
”You probably read why in there.” She says, nodding her head to the diary still within your grasp.

“I don't take it well?” You ask as you hear the sound of rain roaring outside.

”No. No, you have not. Suicide was the path you took when I told you directly. When you had somehow worked it out for yourself...” She pauses.

You raise an eyebrow as the Goddess of the sun shivers slightly.

”It doesn't go well. For anyone.”

You stand there, unsure of what you might possibly say. What possible answer do you have to learn you had been here at least a thousand years. That you were one in a long line of copies of yourself brought here only to die forgotten. That you wouldn't even leave a legacy. And anyone that might even remember you would get a shiny, younger replacement version later. That you yourself were a replacement version of yourself.
“I...”

That was the problem really. “I.” You.

“Who am I, Celestia? A replacement for Brightsmile? For half a dozen other versions of myself?” You ask, partly in anger and partly in pain.

Celestia takes a moment to answer, mulling over the question. You glare as she does so, believing she is trying to spin an answer to appease you. But eventually, she simply sighs, and shakes her head to herself before answering.
”You are Anonymous. It's up to you to decide that for yourself.”

You pause, unable to quite parse what exactly she means by that answer. It isn't an actual answer of her own, she didn't say how she saw you, only that she... That it wasn't up to her. But that was not what you asked.
“Did you bring me here to replace another me?"

Your gaze turns harsher and colder as you stare the Princess in the eyes.
“Is that why I am here? So you might have someone around to remind you of the countless dead?”

”You are not him! You are your own person Anonymous!” She shouts, finally raising her voice for the first time in this whole conversation, pleading with you. You can tell from her entire body language she wants to reach out to you, help you. You take another step back.

“Is that better?” You ask dejectedly, the flames within you dying, smothered by the rain outside.
Now it's Celestia's turn to pause. She looks as if you had just plunged a knife into yourself just there and then as you start to pace around.

“To know that the Anonymous you knew is dead, and there's nothing of him left. No proof but what you might remember? That I am here in his place?” You ask as you throw the diary to the ground before stepping over it. "That Anon is dead, that man who wore my skin... Or perhaps I wear his?"

You laugh bitterly on that last word, a harsh bark that echoes through the empty hall, only broken when another lightning bolt crashes outside. As soon as the light fades, your laughter breaks apart into tears.

"I am nothing. Who knows how many of me have lived and died in this world. I have been here at least a thousand years. There could be dozens of me across those years. Hundreds. I'm sure not many lived as long as... As Brightsmile. Each so sure of their realness, uniqueness. Each so sure they... They could go back home," You mumble darkly. "If I have been here a thousand years... If that was consistent with my world... Even if somehow I were the version of myself that went back, it would be 1000 years after I left."

Celestia opens her mouth but pauses as you tear at your hair, as your heart rate races and you start, once again, to hyperventilate. You pick up your pace, your hands start to shake and clench as you continue to rant.
"And my god, I can't even remember half of my real life. I never focused on it, but what is home? I remember a dinner... Some snow. I can't even remember my father's name," You laugh bitterly. "Maybe there is no home. No anonymous. Mayhaps I was born here..."

Celestia cannot anything to say. The thousand-year-old goddess princess of the most powerful nation on the planet is at a loss for words. You realise that she cannot think of anything meaningful to add. Nothing to add. You shake your head, forcing yourself to stop pacing, to slow down your breathing and heart rate. Clenching your eyes close, you wait for the next thunderbolt, catching your breath before opening your eyes and staring into her own, challenging her.

“What was it you wanted to say to him, to Brightsmile? Right there at the end?” You ask, reaching down to your feet and hold the book up, tapping it to prove the point.

She stumbles around the words she wants to say. Not quite able to articulate her point across. ”I...”

You wait. And she lowers her head to the ground, her long aurora coloured mane barely blowing despite the strong winds blowing through the open doors to the storm outside.

“Am I him Celestia? Am I the same man that appeared fifty years ago? Two hundred? A thousand?” You ask. Demand.

She finally looks up, right into your eyes.
”You start the same. You don't have to end up the same.”

“Right...” You stand there, motionless, simply trying to work out the enormity of what you've been told.

Somewhere, in a dark recess of your mind, you'd hope you entered a coma in reality. And that you were here until you died, whereupon you would simply wake back up in a hospital bed, surrounded by your family. Classic Life on Mars stuff. But even this tentative option you had hoped for was gone. Replaced by waking dreams and eternity stretching before you.

And the choice was yours. To bend.
Or to break.

To reset again. To forget. It would be so easy to just let go. To go to sleep and never awaken again. To return to a life of blissful hope and ignorance. Never having to vaguely remember dying half a hundred times every time you closed your eyes. All the hundreds of creatures over the years that had loved, lost and hated you now forgetting your name, your face, even your identity. The man who would come after you wouldn't remember you, perhaps wouldn't...

Perhaps wouldn't even be you.

He would wear your skin, like you wore Brighsmile's and Nergüi's. He would hold some of your memories, like a cold dinner in a snow-covered house in darkness. He would have your voice, your tastes and fears, your loves and hates. But he would be a copy. You are a copy. You are nothing.

You look towards one of the balconies, towards the raging storm outside.

...No

Fuck that shit.

Mother Anon did not raise a coward, not even one to cower before an existential crisis.

You would not break.

You walk towards the grand balcony behind the throne, Celestia following cautiously behind you. Perhaps she thought you wanted to jump.

Not this time.

As the rain hits you, and you smell of ozone of the air outside you close your eyes for a moment. It all feels so real. The rain, the smells, the darkness and the light, the heat and the cold. There can be no doubt that this is reality. That all of that was true. You were here. And had been for at least a thousand years. No escape, no returning. No going back.

You sigh as you lean against the railing of the balcony, your eyes still closed. You can sense Celestia almost reaching out for you, perhaps to be ready to grab you if you attempted to lean too far forward.

But you knew better than that.

You open your eyes to the evening storm, to the rain and clouds, to the lightning and thunder roaring above you. As a bolt splits the sky in twain you smile softly to yourself.
“I'm not going to jump Celestia, you needn't worry about that.”

You turn to her, a soft honest smile playing on your face.
She seems both relieved and confused, but trots toward you, deciding to stand next to you and placing her two front hooves over the edge of the balcony. For a brief moment, the two of you look into each other eyes. Violet against deep green.

“I can't stay here,” You explain sadly.

She nods.
"I understand."

“I need to see if there is any way out of this Constantly forgetting who I was, I mean. See if there is some way I can remember. And I doubt the answer is in front of me," You explain to her, before looking away to the view of the whole of Equestria just as the sun, covered by dark clouds as it is, dips behind the horizon.

”Do you have any idea where you'll go?” Celestia asks.

You shake your head.
“No. Best I could come up with is try and track down my past lives. See if there's some common link between them other than myself.”

"Such a task would be better suited for a library than out there," she points out, almost pleading. It's honest, and it's true enough to an extent, but still, you shake your head.

“Perhaps. But trying to divine which historical figures in history were me might take a long while. I can read on the road," You explain.

"This isn't the only reason you're leaving, is it?” She asks pointedly.

You turn to her, pausing for a moment before smiling sadly and placing a hand against her back. You nod.
“I need to be something other than a replacement for Brightsmile.”

She opens her mouth, but you place a finger against it.
“I know. You don't think you're trying to make me into him. But despite that crown, those hooves, that mane, all that power... You're only human. You cared for Brightsmile. When you see me, you see him. Or perhaps Nergüi. I don't know. And perhaps I am him. But I am also Anonymous."

”They are you," She points out. "They have your spirit, your love and hate, your brilliance and..."

“And I am they. But not yet,” You explain. For a minute the two of you stood there in silence, the rain pouring down around you, soaking your mane's and hair. She sighs, then stares at your fiercely.

"You won't be going alone,” She demands.

You smile softly, strangely touched at her offer as she stares defiantly into your eyes.
“You can't Princess. You have a nation to rule. I am only one man. And you know who I was... Perhaps too well. I need to find it out for myself."

She lowers her head for a moment but quickly returns her fierce gaze towards your own.
"Not I. There are only two other ponies who will remember you if you...”

Ah. She's afraid you'll die. And that you will be forgotten.

“If I die, then don't be afraid to tell the other me what I am going through. Tell him to find out why," You order, aware you were denying him the chance to be ignorant, but he needed to know.

"You will not die Anon. I shall send Luna with you,” She explains, smiling ever so slightly.

You furrow your brow.
“Luna? Her and I...”

"You've both hurt each other in different forms. You both weren't yourselves when that happened. You both have to make up for it. And she needs to learn about the world she was forced to leave behind," She explains.

You grit your teeth, not overly eager to travel with someone who had broken one of your ribs, given you a black eye, scarred you. Oh yeah, and also killed you once.
“That's inconspicuous," You say drolly. "The Princess of the Night and the only human in the world.”

”I don't need you to be inconspicuous, Anon," She explains strongly. "I need you to live.”

Your smile widens into a wry grin.
“First time for everything, I guess.”

You run a hand through her astral mane, feeling the low warmth hum through your fingers as the Goddess of the Sun and the Monarch of an entire country leans slightly into your hands. Before she remembers herself and trots slightly away.

”Anon... I.”

You smile and hold her face, forcing her to return your gaze.
“I... Whatever you might be about to say, you're saying it to a dead man. I am not that Anonymous. I don't know who he was. Not..." You pause, staring at her, your fingers grazing against her chin before pulling away. You smile sadly, but wistfully. "Not yet."

You can see the slightest hint of tears forming at the edges of her eyes.

”I suppose not. Until next time, Anonymous.”

Briefly, the thought passes through you that obviously, you will need to pack, plan and prepare, that Luna will have to agree to all this, and that you need to do a bit of research to figure out where you are going. So no doubt you shall see Celestia again, regardless of the outcome of the journey you want to take.

But now, beneath the dark and stormy sky, was too perfect of an ending for you to not say those things.
“We'll meet again, one day. I'm sure of it.”

Author's Note

So, not too much editing on this one, thought there'd be more, and it's more subtle things to make the writing less blunt in some areas while really focusing on Anon's mental breakdown. The fixing is probably too quick, but that will be explained, in a sense, later.