DO NOT READ THIS: KEPT ONLY FOR INSPECTION

Hi. My name is Treven. My friends call me Damo. Because that’s my middle name, and people won’t call me “Trevor” that way. I hate that name. I also hate the name Tiffany, but I’m a guy so I didn’t have to worry about that.

I have a sleep disorder. I roll around in my sleep, sometimes sit up in my sleep, talk in my sleep, have a hard time getting to sleep, and, on most occasions, don’t dream. But when I do (because sometimes I do) it’s usually something scary, like Killer Babysitter Clown or Possessed Princess Attacking Our House, or something meaningful, such as a dream where I put together a heist, and the next day, I do or almost steal something, such as a Reader’s Digest from the doctor’s office. But it turns out it’s a lot more than that.

I had my friend Harry over for a sleepover. We were going to be alone the next day until he had to go, so we were excited. We were watching all the My Little Pony we could. We re-watched season finales and openers and favorite episodes. We made fan art, looked at fan art, read a fanfic or two. Or four. Ma-a-aybe seven. Okay, we read a lot of fanfics, fuck off.

We had to decide though. And we decided I was either Twilight Sparkle or Applejack. I was like Twilight Sparkle because I read books, am always close to some kind of agitation burst (or something like that), and everything, and I mean everything, has to have a logical explanation. But I ain’t Twilight because I am anything but organized, and, if you were to ask me, I ain’t that bright.

But I could also be Applejack because I kinda talk like a Southerner (maybe because I am one) such as I say ain’t and imma and cuz and I use the idioms and the similes and such, I call people pet names, such as Sugar-Cube and Honey, and I sometimes work on my Grandparents farm. I ain’t AJ because I’m lazy, I would never in my life wear a hat like that, I’m not very strong, I lie a lot, a-a-a-and I… well, um… bruise easily, let’s say.

Harry was either Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy. He could be Rainbow because he’s sarcastic and cool like that, or he could be Fluttershy because he’s afraid of heights and is really shy. But he’s not Rainbow because he too is lazy and he isn’t Fluttershy because he’s horrible with animals.

Our friend Price that wasn’t there was absolutely without-a-doubt Pinkie Pie. Loved parties, baking, sugar, was automatic friends with everybody, loved to sing, bounce, and everything was hilarious.

When we went up to bed that night (I gave him my bed, cuz imma be a good friend like that) and he said

“I wish we could go to Ponyville. And I mean the real one too.”

“Yeah,” I responded. “But that’s impossible.”

“Always with the skeptics, you.” Cuz I was. Ver-r-r-ry skeptical.