Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Seven—The Deer

The throne room was oddly small. Most of the ones I’ve been to were large enough to hold several advisors, soldiers, decorations, guests, and servants. The deer throne room felt cramped with a pair of guards, our guide, the three of us, and the royal family. Surprisingly enough, there weren’t too many decorations, the throne was plain, and King Aspen wasn’t even wearing a crown.

I guess it made some sense, given they almost never had visitors. Still, if Taya hadn’t told me how powerful they were, I might have gotten the wrong impression. I didn’t know if they were trying to fool us by looking poor or if they just didn’t care what we thought.

King Aspen was a large enough buck to be worth hunting. He was at least an eight-pointer and about as tall as Fleur. His coat was also unique enough to be worth mounting on a wall. It was mostly white, with brown only on a thin strip along his back. He was wearing a bangle that was covered in tiny runes. It looked like he was also wearing some kind of enchanted leggings over his four hooves. At the moment, his fierce eyes were staring quite pointedly at me.

I’m not sure what it says about my personality that my first thought about the king of the deer was something about hunting him. It probably had nothing to do with why he was glaring at me, though.

Queen Fyr was pretty large for a doe. She was a darker brown than most of the deer we had seen and the only white I could see on her coat was around her eyes. There was a runic bangle around her neck, too. At least she was smiling, though her eyes seemed to be on Fleur.

Bramble, their son, looked quite wimpy in comparison. He might have been a spike. Maybe a four-pointer, if he was lucky. Either way, he still looked young enough to be utterly delicious. You know, if I wanted to eat a sapient creature. His coat was a lot more boring, with a normal brown upper body and lower white body. His bangle was a lot less ornate, though I figured it still had a few runes hidden on it. He couldn’t seem to pick one of us to stare at, so his eyes were nervously flicking between the three of us, though they seemed to stick more on Taya.

The guards were also clearly glaring at me. Apparently I wasn’t very popular.

There wasn’t too much room for us to walk forward, but Glade led the way up to the throne anyway. “King Aspen, I have brought our guests.” Fleur bowed. Taya copied her and I curtsied.

“Thank you, Glade,” Aspen said. “How was the journey?”

“More interesting than we were expecting. And Fluttershy has agreed to your request, though she would like a warning before we send her any animals with diseases.”

“A fair requirement,” he replied. “Glade, you may return to your duties. Guests, you may rise.” When I looked up, I found that he was no longer glaring at me and that Glade seemingly vanished. The king was looking me up and down with relative disinterest. “So you are Navarone. You seem quite different from the last time I saw you, during the Equestrian war games.”

“A lot has happened, your highness,” I replied. “In many ways, I am no longer the person I once was. Besides, there is no need for me to fight or prove my worth, here. It’s unlikely you will ever see that side of me again.”

“Not quite the predator we were expecting,” Fyr said. “Even out here, remote as we are, there is talk of your prowess and deeds.”

“I’m not a predator, your majesty, but an omnivore. I do have a few achievements under my belt, some of which could be considered violent. Today, however, we’re here to talk.”

“So you’re more dangerous than we thought,” the king murmured. “Omnivores have the best of both worlds, after all. And you hide it all behind such an adorable guise…” Adorable? Really? “Is there a reason you are crossdressing?”

“I am no longer male, sadly. It has been difficult to adjust, but I no longer feel too strange when dressing the part.” Wait, he thought I was adorable even when crossdressing? That’s odd. “I’m quite pleased that I’m doing well enough to be considered adorable.” Not really, but it’s probably the polite thing to say. “May I introduce my companions?”

“You may,” the king said, somehow making it sound like a demand.

“This is Lady Fleur de Lis. She took an idea of mine about a beauty pageant for all races and ran with it. And this is my daughter, Taya.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, your highnesses,” Fleur said with another short bow. “As Countess Navarone said, I am Fleur. I came to see if we could convince the deer to participate in the pageant she mentioned.”

“You would ask a defenseless doe to stand side-by-side with predators like dragons, dogs, and griffins?” King Aspen asked, narrowing his eyes just enough to be noticeable.

“Part of the goal of this pageant is to build trust among the various species in the world,” Fleur replied. “Each race has been too secluded for a long time now. Navarone and I would like to help bring everyone together, soothing tensions and fears. Having predators and prey standing and competing together is part of that. I can assure you that no harm will befall any of the participants. The venue will be well-guarded and all of the competitors have been carefully vetted. None will pose a threat. And all competitors are allowed two personal guards, if they’re interested. They can either be provided by the Equestrian palace or from the competitor’s home country.”

“That would be problematic for us, I believe,” Fyr said. “If our subjects learn that predators aren’t truly hostile, it could harm our nation’s unity.” Fleur seemed somewhat flabbergasted that they weren’t even trying to hide the truth, so I decided to jump back in.

“I think you’ll be fine, if I’m honest,” I said. “The brainwashing effect that regulates everyone’s emotions should keep them under your control, as long as they’re actually in the country.”

“True, but if they realize that other nations aren’t incredibly dangerous, they might want to visit those nations,” Aspen said. “If they’re away from the barrier for longer than three or so days, the effects wear off and they might figure out that they were under our control. We make sure to get rid of all dissenters as quickly as possible, but if our population gets too low, it’ll be hard to keep up the breeding program.”

“That’s a fair point, I suppose,” I said. “In that case, it might not be a bad idea to have a small group for the express purpose of going out of the barrier. Deer like Glade, who seem loyal and brainwashed enough even without the barrier, probably wouldn’t want to defect. You can use them for propaganda purposes. Just think what you could tell your populace if a deer wins the world-wide beauty pageant. You’d have some proof for all the elitism. There was a country in my time that was quite similar to yours. It was called North Korea. Their leader was basically worshipped as a god and the competitors were seen as offering their victories to him and to the people.”

“It’s not quite the same,” Aspen said. “I am not worshipped, not like Celestia is. We extol nature here, not individuals. We do have a team that’s used to traveling outside of the barrier. However, none are talented enough to compete in some manner of pageant.”

“Would it… really be that bad?” Fleur asked. “If the deer knew the truth about predators, I mean.”

“Of course it would,” Fyr said. “We use that fear to keep our population in check.”

“You’re really a lot more upfront about this than I thought you’d be,” I said. “Celestia does her best to hide it.”

“And yet you saw through it anyway,” Aspen said. “We knew that if you could see through her, our nation would be even easier to pick apart.”

“I didn’t expect you to know about the brainwashing effect, though,” Fyr said with a small dip in her smile. “For what it’s worth, it isn’t affecting the three of you.”

“Why do you govern like this?” Fleur asked. “It just… seems so wrong!”

“That’s rich, coming from a pony who worships the sun,” Aspen said with a scoff. “The deer learned everything about ruling from Celestia.”

“She doesn’t brainwash people, at least,” Fleur said, sighing.

“Not true, actually,” I quickly replied. “Depending on what you consider brainwashing, at least. I know for a fact she’s removed some troublesome memories from people before. That said, I don’t think she has anything like this ingenious barrier. Well, she might, but it takes a lot of power to keep it running. Without a massive tree, it would be difficult.”

“You don’t really need a brainwashing barrier when you convince everyone you move the sun and moon,” Aspen said. “Without her, the ponies are convinced the world would end. They’d never defy her. And when you think about how dangerous she is, would you ever defy her? Is that not why you live under her hoof, even now?”

“Yeah, she’s probably the sixth or seventh most dangerous thing on the planet. That said, the other things are so much more powerful than she is that I kinda stopped being afraid of her because of it. After seeing Arachne and Discord, I realize that Celestia really is cute and cuddly in comparison.”

“All the more reason to keep our deer isolated,” Fyr said. “If any of them get the idea that Celestia is either cute or cuddly, they might start discussing vassalization! She already has most of the other prey races under her hoof. I don’t want the deer to be trampled beneath her next!”

“You agreed to meet with us, despite knowing what we wanted to discuss,” I said. “I feel like there’s some room for negotiation here. Is there something we can do to change your minds to allow a deer to participate?”

“What do you think of our city, Navarone?” Aspen asked.

After a quick glance at Fleur, I replied, “I am not qualified to answer that question.”

“Let’s pretend that Fleur isn’t glaring at you out of the corner of her eyes. We may maintain our rule like tyrants, but we certainly wouldn’t openly judge an outsider for their opinion.”

“Oh. Well, since you’ve both seemingly been honest so far... I think it would be a great place to live, as long as you’re a deer. However, as an outsider who’s just visiting, I feel it lacks the charm of Equestria. All the tyranny and brainwashing without a friendly population just makes the place feel creepy. Every single deer we passed on the way in stopped whatever they were doing so they could just silently stare at us. It really didn’t feel all that welcoming. If I had to give it a numerical rating, I’d say a three out of ten. All of those points come from how pretty the place is.” Fleur was no longer staring at me out of the corner of her eyes. Instead, she was just outright glaring at me.

“And do you think our city would be better with more outsiders?” Fyr asked.

“Not particularly,” I said. “As things are now, I don’t think any outsiders would want to come here twice. From what Glade said, all criminals are sold to griffins or dragons. That would be a point of contention for a lot of people, depending on your court systems. However, we aren’t here to ask you to allow people to move in. All we want is for the deer to come out of their bubble a little, to join the international community. And I do think you would benefit from that. Trade alone would make it worthwhile, but… Living in fear of a nonexistent boogeyman is unpleasant. There certainly are things out in the world that need to be feared, but sapient predators can usually be reasoned with. I’ve only ever had one try to eat me, but I was technically trespassing at the time, so I consider it fair.”

“And how do you think you’ll make us change our minds?” Aspen asked. “Do you intend to use force?”

Am I really that scary looking? “No, of course not. We came here to talk, not to fight. I don’t really know what the deer consider valuable, which is why I asked what we could do to change your minds. One of your preferred trade goods is drugs. I can arrange for something you’ve probably never tried before, if that would strike your fancy.”

“It would, but not enough to allow a defenseless doe to compete with predators. No amount of goods would be worth it. Though I have to admit, it’s the first time someone so openly attempted to bribe me.”

“And that’s why I was supposed to do most of the talking,” Fleur muttered.

“But we don’t trust ponies,” their son said, the first thing out of his mouth so far. He was young enough to still sound pretty high-pitched, surprisingly. “Isn’t that why the countess is here?”

“Is trusting an omnivore better?” I asked.

“I certainly trust the word of an omnivore preaching for peace above a pony ranting about it,” Aspen replied. “Ponies always propose peace, but the conditions for it are very one-sided for anyone who isn’t actually a pony.”

“...It may be hard for you to believe, but part of the goal of this pageant is to change that,” Fleur said, hanging her head. “Princess Celestia has led us down a dark path, but Navarone has changed her. It seems she wants to repent. Activities like this are part of it.”

“I’m cautiously optimistic about Celestia now,” I said. “We had quite the rocky start, but I think I’ve convinced her that true friendship between races can be possible. Back in my time, there was a pageant between all the countries in the world. I pitched the idea to Fleur and she thought it might improve race relations. To my knowledge, there is no nefarious goal behind it. And you’ve both already admitted you know most of the predator races aren’t really a threat. Is there really any harm in letting a doe participate?”

“We wouldn’t be letting a doe participate, we’d be making a doe participate,” Fyr said. “I’m sure you saw by your welcoming party that none of us particularly want to leave. And for a doe to go, her buck would also be required to go.”

“You couldn’t send a widow like Glade?” I asked. “She seemed accomplished. She’d have to be, to work directly for the king.”

“And leave her unguarded?” the king asked.

“Information was also said to be a common trade good,” I said. “Would some of that do the trick?”

“Usually we have to talk around the point, but you’re dead set on being blunt about this,” Aspen said with a deep sigh. “My wife will discuss the details of sending a doe to Canterlot with Fleur, if you’re willing to discuss a service with me.”

Hm, doesn’t that sound shady? “Do I actually have to perform that service? Or is just discussing it enough?”

“I will leave that for my wife to negotiate with Fleur. You’re a lot less confident than I assumed.”

“There’s some things I can’t do and other things I won’t do, of course,” I said. “I can’t imagine a king requesting something mundane of a person like me. Would you like to talk about it privately, then? Or does the rule about not leaving your doe count for royalty as well?”

“Nobility and royalty are exempt, due to the nature of our jobs,” Fyr said. “And Bramble’s spouse will come from another city-state, but hasn’t been chosen yet. I’ll take Fleur to a side room where we can discuss things. My king, do be careful. And Bramble, you can show the countess’s filly around.”

I really didn’t intend to do anything, so the king didn’t need to take care. But I guess they really were cowards, so whatever. Thankfully, Taya’s cute mode was still activated. I saw fear in her eyes, but I knew she’d be fine. If nothing else, we could test the seed cloning. Fleur seemed somewhat exasperated, but I don’t know why. She got what she wanted, after all.

The king waited for the four of them to leave before standing. “Join me, Countess,” he said, walking past me. I followed him back into the palace. “I truly am surprised. Luna gave us information about you, but it seems the sisters pulled another fast one on us. You’re nothing like the reports say.”

“A lot has happened. That said, I can still crack skulls with the best of them. If your request involves violence, it won’t be a problem.”

“I heard you won a fighting tournament recently, in fact,” Aspen replied.

“You’re better informed than I expected. But I suppose you had to do at least a little homework before inviting someone like me. Especially if we’re going to discuss something alone. I noticed the guards aren’t following us.”

“You may lack tact, but I know you aren’t a fool. I need no guards around you.”

This is sounding shadier and shadier. Darya, keep Fleur and Taya up-to-date, please. And let me know if anything happens.

“Understood,” Darya replied. “Flo will be able to protect Taya’s mind, but I only gave Fleur enough for communication. Would you like the two of us to be on standby outside the barrier? It would only take us fifteen minutes to arrive.”

It might not be a bad idea. Just stay on standby unless something actually happens, though.

“We’re on the way,” Flo replied. “I hope I get to rescue you again!”

So you’re hoping I get attacked? Some guardian you are. For some reason, that made both of them giggle.

“I take it Fleur was to be your chaperone?” Aspen finally asked, cutting into my internal suffering.

“Sorta, but I’m always bad at listening to those. As soon as Queen Fyr said something about using fear to keep everyone in check, I realized you two had no fucks left to give and didn’t want to waste any time. Still though, props for being so open about it. Are the guards in on it, too?”

“What kind of tyrant doesn’t use his military in that way, hm?” he asked, turning a splendidly evil smirk my way.

“Even Celestia was careful about being so blatant around her military. She had people with actual ideals at the top to use as a public face. But I guess that matters less in a smaller city-state like this.”

Speaking of which, I didn’t really think they were poor, but there were seriously no decorations in their hallways. I expected some stag carvings here and there, or maybe some art or tapestries. If the deer never went anywhere and they didn’t do much art, what did they spend all their time doing?

“Was and had, you say? Did something happen to that old alicorn?”

“Well, I think she’s less evil now than she was. A lot has happened recently. I think some things shocked her. The short version is that getting along with the rest of the world became a lot more important.”

“Indeed. The great threat has awoken. And yet instead of trying to combat it directly, you’re… running a beauty pageant.”

How much more shady could this get? “Define the great threat, if you don’t mind.”

“The ponies call it Discord. Perhaps that is enough? It is not something to be spoken of lightly.”

“Why do you think it’s awake?”

“Something that evil, that malevolent, has ways of leaving traces. Celestia would never notice, since she’s wallowing in her capital. The biggest tell was the drought in the Middle East. Whenever the great enemy awakens, old curses run rampant. Our forest has begun to subtly decay ever since. More diseases, more rot. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tartarus is getting more turbulent, too. And now, something like you coming here to preach peace. Is this truly how Celestia wants to fight that monster? Or does she just want to paint a target on all the vassal races dumb enough to participate?”

“I don’t think anyone has a surefire plan to deal with it. We’re kinda fumbling in the dark, you know. We know it’s an ancient evil spirit that grows more powerful based on the conflict in the world. The general idea is that promoting and building peace will weaken it. We just have to hope it doesn’t get active. At the moment, it’s acting like it’s playing a game. We hope that means it’s giving us a fighting chance.”

“That seems like quite a vain hope for an ancient evil spirit,” the king said with a sigh. The halls were finally starting to pick up in color. Before, everything was a dull green or brown. Now, some fruits and flowers were blooming from the walls. “Would you like anything, by the way? You’re welcome to any of the fruits or flowers.”

“What would I do with a flower?”

“Hm?” He leaned closer to the wall and whispered something. Vines covered in flowers shot out of the wall and into my hair. Moments later, it was expertly braided up. My own flowers were held in place by little knots of flowery vine. The wall released me as soon as it was done, leaving me feeling shocked and only slightly violated. “Something like this, perhaps. A tree sister should present herself better, don’t you think?”

“You’ve really done your research.”

“It’s not like you’ve been trying to keep it a secret. But even if I hadn’t, I would have known the instant I saw you. That hair is unmistakable. Especially since your filly is the same. Bramble was in awe of the nature energy around you two. He’ll probably pester your filly with questions.”

Flo, don’t let her say anything too inappropriate to the prince, please. “I’m not sure how many answers she’ll have. We’re both kinda new to this whole tree sister thing. I guess this is cute… But you should probably ask permission before playing with a lady’s hair.”

“I’ll take that probably under consideration, my lady. Any fruits or juice, perhaps? It would be remiss of a host not to offer refreshments, after that long hike.”

“I’m… quite impressed by your selection.” Star fruit, apples of various types, oranges, dragon fruit, jackfruit, pears, several types of berries, pineapples, coconuts, and several I didn’t recognize were hanging all up and down the hall. Most of them were inconvenient to eat without tools. I didn’t know what I’d do with a peel or a core since there didn’t seem to be trash cans anywhere. “Hey, wait a second… Is that a psilocybin mushroom?”

“Hm, the visionshrooms? Those taste awful, but make you see wonderful things. I highly recommend them!”

“I’ll pass, but would I be able to obtain some in the future?”

“Of course!”

Lacking any other reasonable options, I grabbed a few grapes and munched on them as I followed the king further in. “These are probably the best grapes I’ve had since I got to Equestria. The nature magic in this place is pretty powerful stuff.”

“Your grove will be similar, in time. I recommend planting things around your trees. The magic will encourage growth in nearby vegetation. It would be quite a fine way to grow an orchard quickly.”

“Good to know.” But probably not as fast as nanites. “I haven’t been a tree sister all that long. I’m just starting to get into the groove of things. It’s been a wild ride.”

“The secret to becoming a tree sibling has been lost to us, sadly.”

“That’s quite a shame. Do any tree siblings live here in this city?”

“At the moment, no. There are some traveling ex-deer tree siblings who go from city-state to city-state. They help matchmake for royal families and keep all of us up-to-date with each other.”

“I’m somewhat surprised Bramble doesn’t already have a wife.”

“There are widows that are happily teaching him everything he needs to know when it comes time for him to marry. He’ll be fine.” He stopped in front of another fruit wall, then leaned in to whisper something. The fruit began pushing away from the center of the wall. Eventually, an arch opened up leading straight outside.

I followed the king into the small garden courtyard. Spring was clearly in bloom, as we were now completely surrounded by flowers of all shapes, colors, and sizes. Getting distracted by those meant I almost missed the furniture. The entire place was set up like a bedroom. Does it ever rain out here? There’s no way that bed would fit through the doors. Maybe they use magic to cover it?

“So, can we discuss this mysterious service you want from me?” I asked. That said, a part of me already had suspicions. After the door automatically closed behind me, I was even more positive.

“When Luna came to tell us about you, she was quite a bit more vocal about… some things than we were expecting. In fact, Bramble had to leave the room shortly after she began.”

“Yes, she’s oddly boastful at times. Would you like to explain what she told you, and what that has to do with your request? I’m sure she made me out to be quite violent, indeed.”

“Quite violent as you ravished her, yes. She seemed ecstatic when she gleefully described the scenes for us. Oh, of course she also talked about how you’ve killed a bunch of things, but it was eclipsed by the rest…”

“I’m starting to suspect you don’t want me to kill some horrifying monster.”

“Luna had quite the story to tell about you tying her up and teaching her a prey’s true place. It sounded very interesting, I must admit… Hm, are you sure you aren’t just crossdressing?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure.”

“A shame,” he replied with a disappointed sigh. “I truly was hoping you’d be male.”

“I think I know where you’re going with this. You want me to fake an attack to scare your citizens, right?”

“I’d like you to dominate me in bed. Teach me a lesson for my arrogance, if you dare take a king!”

Man, what can you even say to that? “...Well, you said I had to hear your request. I’ve certainly heard it. Can I have some time to think about it?”

“After hearing the latest rumors in Canterlot, I’m surprised you didn’t immediately agree, but of course. I’ll have some tea brought in.” He stood motionless as more vines started waving around the walls. A hole opened on one side, allowing a tray with two full teacups to slide in. The vines silently moved the tray to the small table. I joined the king in sitting. Once he sipped the tea, I brought it to my lips as well.

To put it bluntly, it was kinda gross. The smell was unpleasant, the flavor was bitter, and it left a bad aftertaste. Even the king seemed to have difficulties downing it, yet he quickly chugged it and smiled.

“What do you think?” he asked as I managed to force more of it down.

“If I’m honest, it’s… not the greatest.”

“It’s truly a shame,” he said, shaking his head as I sipped even more. At this point, half of it was gone and I was considering dropping any remaining pretenses of politeness by just leaving it alone. Of course, he had to ruin it. “Tea made from the visionshrooms kicks in much faster, at least. But the taste is so… ugh! One moment, please.”

More vines started waving around while I tried processing the fact that I just got drugged. Darya, how’s Fleur doing? Is she having better luck?

“No, Fyr already managed to get Fleur in bed. She’s teaching Fyr the joys of pony magic.”

Fun stuff. And Taya?

“The prince is trying his hardest, but Taya actually thinks she’s talking to a princess. Nobody ever actually told her that Bramble was a boy and she really can’t tell… Should I inform her?”

No, let her figure it out on her own. Just make sure she doesn’t offend him by accident. It’s okay if she does it on purpose. But still, did they really plan on seducing all three of us?

“So it seems,” Flo replied. “Are you going to allow yourself to be seduced?”

It’ll probably make me feel really slimy, but putting this bastard in his place would also be neat. A king would be a first for me, too. I think I will dominate him, but I’m not sure if I’ll have sex with him. Oh, and can you do anything about this tea?

“Nope, not a thing. It’s similar to the last mushrooms you had, but nowhere near as powerful. I think I can at least stop you from doing anything too dangerous. Have fun!” I sighed before downing the rest of the tea. When I set the cup back down, I realized fruits had been placed before us. Sliced up pineapples, sliced up normal apples drizzled in honey, and grilled watermelon slices lined the table.

“Please, help yourself,” the king said, nibbling on some pineapple. “It truly helps kill the taste, and the citrus will help it kick in faster!”

It seemed he knew what he was talking about, so I started with the watermelon. It was the bomb diggity, I can’t lie, and it utterly eradicated that awful taste. With it gone, I moved on to the pineapple. “I know I said I wanted to try the shrooms in the future, but I wasn’t expecting it this soon.”

“Why put off good things until tomorrow, hm? Experience them early and often! Now that you have power, you should learn how to exercise it, you know? Taking some time off to have a drug-fueled sex frenzy with a powerful monster is an experience only those with power can have.”

“And you didn’t think warning me about the tea would have been nice?”

“Of course I did. But kings don’t have to be nice. We just have to be powerful.”

“From where I’m sitting, you seem quite vulnerable. I have to say, I’m not a fan of being drugged. I don’t like the idea of being used as fetish-fuel, either. I think I’ll have to punish you after all.” My eyes slowly looked the king up and down, making him start twitching. At the moment, I couldn’t help but wonder how big a stove I would need for his backstraps. I guess any prey would know when it was being hunted. “But you’d really prefer it if I was male, huh?”

“Kings have their proclivities too, you know!”

“And that would be worth enough to put one of your does in danger?!”

“Did you really buy that line? We said it to make Fleur sweat a little. We have to look strong in front of the ponies, you know.”

“And yet you want to get dominated by one of their agents.”

“This and that are different things. I’m allowed my proclivities, aren’t I?”

“Not when it comes to dosing me without permission. The obvious solution is to do lewd things to you until you surrender, but that’s probably fighting fire with fire and not a good thing or whatever. But then, brainwashing you also wouldn’t really be right… Hm, how does one punish a king? Wait, so if I refuse this and just choose to walk away, what happens?”

“Well, we already have plans to attend. We just wanted to drag the ponies to the bargaining table. But I’m really not in favor of it. Fyr just wants to make a doe look prettier than a pony. I have no intention of going anywhere near Canterlot, personally. And I won’t allow Fyr to go, either.”

“Is this your personal bedroom, by the way? It’s surprisingly nice. Though the vines are somewhat off-putting.”

“No, this is just where I have my affairs. I make love to my wife in our actual bedroom. So, I’ve given you some time. Do you have an answer?”

“Hm… I suppose I have to give you a reason to come to Canterlot.” What to do, what to do… “Oh, how about this? If I make you beg just right, will you give the project your full support?”

“I’m not quite sure a female could manage it… Think you’re strong enough to make a king beg? I wouldn’t mind hearing your arrogant mouth begging for more, now that I think about it… I could hold you down easily with the vines and toy with you while the visionshrooms kick in. That actually sounds quite fun!” Once again, the vines along the walls started moving, dragging weird and kinky sex-toys out of the woodworks.

“Good, that means I have permission.” Darya, smack him around a little and get him on the bed, if you would.

“Death to rapists,” she replied in my head. She took control and jumped up to knee the king in the jaw. The vines lost their coordination and stopped moving. Aspen flopped back and fell to the floor, dazed. She dragged him to the bed and tied his front hooves to the bedposts. I took back over and grabbed a gag, then a blindfold. His nasty smirk was hard to ignore, but at least he wasn’t trying to fight back yet. When he was trussed up nice and tight, I stepped back and looked down on the little worm before me.

“So I guess this is the point where I start torturing you, right?” He grunted, tilting his head. “I said I was going to make you beg, right? I didn’t bring a knife, but I don’t think I need one.” For some reason, he started struggling. I removed my shoes and kicked him. That made him groan and try to glare at me. “There are some people out there who would pay to have me step on them with my bare feet. Maybe you should be more grateful.”

He didn’t make any more moves, thankfully. I leaned in and traced one of his inner thighs. Then I ran a finger along the other side.

“This is where you’d cut to hang a deer, you know,” I said, trying to sound as pleasant as possible. “Hang the deer upside down from holes cut here, and you have easy access to this part…”

My fingers traced right across his crotch, just barely missing a disgusting little bug along the way. My fingers ended up meeting at his stomach, where I pulled them up to his chest. He was starting to sweat.

“Here, you can either saw through the chest bones to break the cavity open or you can just pull the organs out carefully. The heart, especially, is delicious. Deep-fried deer heart is a well-hidden southern delicacy, it so happens. I’d love to find out how a king’s would taste. I’ve gotten to pull one out when it was still just barely beating before, you know. It’s a hunting tradition called blooding, where a young hunter has to take in the blood and sometimes flesh of his first kill. My first kill was a fairly young buck, about a two to four point. Not the best kill ever, but hey… he was delicious. Didn’t look too dissimilar from… what was his name, Bramble? I was probably younger than he was when I did it. Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself!”

The king was doing a lot more than sweating. He was squirming around and trying to escape his ropes. Experience with Twilight and Luna taught me well, though. The expert knots made it easy to continue tracing, this time around his collar bones.

“Cut here and then along the back and you can easily tear the coat right off! That makes harvesting the back straps really easy!” I emphasized the point by grabbing him and pulling him closer and running my hands down his sides. “They’re so tasty when cooked in butter, maybe with some asparagus. Thinking about it really makes me hungry. Funny thing about omnivores. They can flip to predator on a dime, you know?” I gently bit into his neck with my canines and he really started flailing. If he bled at that point, it was all on him.

When the flailing got old, I pulled my fangs back and leaned toward his ear instead, nibbling it a little as I began tapping in a circle around the top of his head, just between his ears.

“Gently pop a knife into the skull,” I whispered into his ear, making it flinch away from me. “Again and again, in a small circle. Tap, tap, tap. Pop the braincap out and dump the brain in a pot.” He groaned and started struggling again, so I giggled and pulled him tighter. “Boil the brain in water until it’s mush and drop the coat in. Boil it for a while and the hide is tanned. Then you can hang it on a wall. My dear king… That is a prey’s place.”

I pulled away from his ear so I could nibble on his lips, making him actually start crying and shaking in terror. Hopefully if he was going to wet himself, it would be after I pulled away from him. The world was starting to get a little… wavy. My head didn’t feel right anymore, either. Maybe that’s why I was having so much fun? Visionshroom tea apparently does kick in quickly.

“Your place isn’t in my bed. Your place isn’t beneath me. Your only place is in my belly, with the rest of you on display as a trophy. Don’t think your so-called intelligence does you any favors. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just walking, talking meat. The parts of you I can’t find a use for, I’ll grind up and turn into sausage. And yes, that includes that embarrassingly small thing you have hanging between your legs. It certainly wouldn’t make a filling meal, but it’ll add to the flavor. Oh, but not your testicles. I’ll deep fry those, right alongside your tender, juicy heart.”

Everyone was always encouraging me to solve more problems through diplomacy, so I’m sure they’d be proud of me. After all, my honeyed words were working their magic. Aspen’s struggles got more frantic by the sentence. If I’m honest, it was oddly exciting.

“You know, you seemed quite eager to spend time with a predator before.” For some reason, I found that really funny and started giggling. “But now that you’re before a real one… All you can think to do is beg for your life. To flee. Isn’t that right, your highness? You don’t seem to be having much fun, that’s for sure. And here I was thinking you’d get hard for me, at least! But I guess you’re just made to disappoint.”

My giggles might have been more like cackles. The shrooms were definitely kicking in now, that’s for sure. The terrified expression on the king’s face was glorious, and the tears dripping down from the blindfold really sold it. I’m sure starting his trip by listening to someone talk about eating him didn’t make him feel very good.

“You never thought to check us for weapons, did you? That wasn’t too smart, your highness. Not that you would have found mine, anyway.” I made the spike on the end of my tail stick out and gently rubbed it down his side, making him squirm and groan. “I could gut you like a pig whenever I wanted and all you could do is cry for mercy as you’re cut down. What’s being a king even worth, I wonder?”

If I’m honest, not much. Especially when all they do is rule by fear and brainwashing like this scumbag. Thinking about it, killing him might be doing the world a favor… But it would make Fleur look bad, so I probably shouldn’t.

“I didn’t think this would be all that fun, but I’m actually enjoying myself! Dosing me without permission was extremely naughty, but the effects have been wonderful! Maybe I should work some kind of reward into your punishment? What do you think, your majestyness?”

His head immediately started nodding. For some reason, I had a feeling he’d agree. It didn’t have to mean being nicer to him, though. But if I left things as they were, he might have some hard feelings. I had to give him something, at least…

As I tried to think of things, I started looking around the room. The vines had brought out all kinds of interesting toys. I recognized some quite well, as he had copies of all the toys from The Crop. Including the ones based on me. That gave me a fun idea. If he wanted to toy with the male version of me, I’d give him a close enough facsimile. When I started cackling again, the king stopped nodding and began frantically shaking his head.

It was already too late, though.

To make a long story short, I made good use of the visionshrooms. When I was finished, all the king could do was beg. That meant I won and both he and his wife would join us for the competition. At least a few parts of his body enjoyed it, even if he was left with a limp as we walked back down the halls. The world was still pretty wavy, but I wasn’t cackling anymore. Instead, I just couldn’t stop smiling. I was definitely going to have to obtain more of those mushrooms later.

“Was that your first experience with something that wasn’t prey?” I asked as we walked.

“Yes.”

“Hm, I see. Well, when you get to Canterlot, I’ll introduce you to some others. I’m sure they’ll be happy to toy with you.”

“That’s… that isn’t necessary, Countess…”

“Oh no, I insist.”

“Another visit with an omnivore is all I need. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but I’ve never felt my heart beat so fast!”

“You’ll have to make it worth my while. This started as punishment, but Fleur needed the help as well. I can think of a few promises I might force you to make, so we’ll see.”

How did Fleur fare?

“She had a very enjoyable time with the queen and received a favorable response,” Darya replied.

And Taya?

“She got the tour of the whole city from what she thought was the princess, including several very private and romantic spots where Bramble attempted to seduce her. Your filly takes after you, as she never once noticed she was being courted.”

That means she was the only one who didn’t put out. I guess I should be happy, as her mother. Although at least the king’s disgusting deer dick never touched me. Has Taya met back up with Fleur?

“Yes, they’re awaiting your arrival in a dining room.”

Did either of them get dosed with anything?

“Fleur was, but I don’t know what,” Darya said. “I don’t have enough water in her to tell what it was, but I know it wasn’t mushrooms and it didn’t seem dangerous.”

“Taya refused everything Bramble offered her, so she was fine,” Flo added.

She really is smarter than I am. Maybe I’m a good parent after all? Two watery scoffs disabused me of that notion.

“I’ve never had a limp this bad before,” the king grumbled.

“You weren’t complaining at the time, your majesty.”

“I was gagged!”

“Do you complain to all your lovers, or just the best ones?”

“Well… It just aches so good…”

“I bet you haven’t been that fulfilled in a long time, huh? Maybe more deer would like submitting as prey. You could invite a few dogs next time, maybe?”

“...Griffins would be better. But dogs… Maybe later.”

“Changelings are also a fun predator race. Hey, I’m building a village near the Everfree pretty soon. I’m planning on putting a changeling whorehouse there. You can come and visit, if you can afford their rates. They’ll be whoever or whatever you want, probably.”

“Probably?”

“I might ban a few things like underage kids and stuff that would actually hurt people. I’ll talk with the changelings in charge of the project to see what they have to say.”

“A changeling whorehouse in Equestrian territory,” the king whispered, looking down. “I never thought I’d see the day… Is Celestia truly serious about changing her ways?”

“I believe so, yes. She made someone like me a noble, and then upgraded me to a countess. She’s asking me to build a city full of non-ponies. There’s the alliance with the changelings. It feels like things are starting to change.”

“Celestia thinks very long-term. It’s possible all of this is some kind of trap.”

“If it’s a trap, it’s one set by the great enemy, not Celestia. After all, Celestia was put in power by that thing.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?” he replied with a sigh.

“Six thousand is a lot of years. I’m sure not everything went as it planned. Anyway, where are we going? Are you leading me to another lewd place?”

“I figured I would treat you to lunch before you departed. Don’t worry, I’ll warn you if anything is drugged.”

“Before we eat it?”

“Ugh, if you insist… I wonder how my wife and son fared. It’ll be fun to compare notes!”

“Your wife succeeded and your son struck out. I might be a wanton slut, but my filly is more stuck up than that.”

“That’s not a very nice way to describe your daughter.”

“Sorry, I meant to say that she’s a perfect little lady. Is that better?”

“Hm… You’re not the best mother, are you?”

“I don’t wanna hear it from the dude who’s cheating on his wife. What would your son think?”

“That I had done well to conquer such a proud, strong monster, of course.”

“I just admitted to being a wanton slut. What part of me is proud?”

“You’re obviously proud of your species, given all the gruesome customs you imparted to me.”

“Don’t worry, your highness. If I kill you, it’ll be in winter. I’d want to mount your rack on the wall, after all.”

“Yes, that’s utterly relieving.” It seemed sarcastic, for some reason.

“So, what other kinds of fun drugs do the deer have?”

“There’s another fungus that grows on wheat that’s quite enjoyable. We call it the life, sex and die drug, since it can make you feel more alive than ever, make you feel worse than dead, and is a lot of fun to have sex on.”

“Oh, we called that ergot. I’ve heard good things, but I’ll probably pass on that one. I’m surprised you have psychedelics, though. Anything else?”

“There’s one we just call the stim. It’s a green, leafy plant that when chewed, makes you feel completely energized!”

“Oh, tobacco. I imagine that’s really amazing when combined with nature magic. Isn’t it addictive, though?”

“Not anymore. We bred those qualities out. Would you like to try some?”

“No, I don’t want to mix drugs. The mushrooms are still affecting me. Do you grow enough of these drugs to sell them, or are they mostly for recreational use?”

“Mostly recreational. However, any deals involving actual goods will have to be paid for in actual goods. No dicking me down for large quantities of drugs, I’m afraid. And we don’t take gold.”

“What about alcohol?”

“We would take alcohol, yes.”

“I plan on producing it in my village. Hopefully, a lot of it. Is there a way to get a trading pass for the barrier?”

“No. But we can send traders to your village, discuss the products you want and the prices for them, and then deliver the goods the next day.”

“That’ll work.” Once we get a few seeds and spores, we can get the good shit from them and mass produce the rest without so much nature magic. “But what, no lip about selling goods to dangerous predators or not trusting the alcohol produced by a monster like me?”

“We usually try to save the theatrics for ponies. If you hadn’t been here, our conversation with Fleur would have gone somewhat… differently.”

“You mean not at all?”

“Well, yes. Had I known you were actually female, I’m not sure if I would have agreed.” Tch, sexist. “But in the end, I got what I was looking for. And how…”

“If you’re not there at the pageant, I’ll come back here to drag you there myself. And I won’t be gentle this time.”

“What you did to me was gentle?!”

“Well, you didn’t bleed. You might have a hard time sitting down for a while, though.” He sighed and our walk continued in silence.

The dining room was as bare as the rest of the palace. No finery decorated the walls and all the tableware was wooden. The table was a massive stump that had been carved out. Since it was large enough to fit all of us, there were more rings in it than I cared to count. The chairs were stone and covered in a thick layer of moss.

Prince Bramble was excitedly telling Fyr about his date with my filly. The queen was listening with a small smile, though I’m not sure if she was actually happy. Taya didn’t seem very interested in the conversation and locked eyes with me as soon as I walked in. She seemed very uncomfortable next to the prince, but her cute mode was still going strong.

At the moment, Fleur was looking dazed and confused as she sat next to the queen. She was still smiling, but it was clear she wasn’t quite all there. Aphrodisiac, maybe? Or some kind of mild roofie? Darya, would you mind hopping over and seeing if you can clear up her mind?

“Once you sit, I’ll slip under the table.” The king was gracious enough to pull my chair out for me, so I was quickly seated next to Taya. I felt something slip out of my shoes as the king claimed the chair between me and Fleur. I was probably the only one who noticed his flinch as he sat.

His son ended his conversation so he could stare at the king. “How did your talk go, father?” Bramble asked.

“Negotiations were successful, for better or worse,” Aspen said, laying a hoof on one of my hands. It took everything within me not to smack him or glare at him. “We had quite a hearty discussion about the differences between our species. It was quite productive indeed!”

Fleur suddenly came to with a flinch. “I… I’m glad to hear that… I think,” she unsteadily replied. Her eyes flicked to his hoof on my hand before blinking. Aspen finally pulled it back with a smug grin. “My talks with… the queen also went well. They were intense but… very fruitful.” Diplomacy through sex, huh? Maybe I should have renamed my airship to Enterprise.

“We went on a tour of the city,” Taya said, doing her utmost to sound delighted. “It truly is a beautiful place!”

“And how was Bramble as a tour guide?” Fyr asked.

“Highly rated,” Taya replied with a grin. “I got to see all kinds of cool trees, secret magic circles, and even the forbidden waterfall, whatever that is. There was also the heart of the forest and the hidden library. I think my favorite was the ritual magic site where the rejects are sacrificed!”

“Ah, I see you’re a tree sister of taste!” Fyr said with a pleased smile. “It’s a shame there aren’t any to sacrifice today. I’d love for you all to see it!”

“What… what kind of reject?” Fleur hesitantly asked.

“The disabled, the crippled who can’t be healed, those born out of wedlock,” the king said, waving a hoof. “Worthless ilk of that sort, those not even worth selling to other species.” Fleur’s face somehow went a few shades whiter. “Now, let us take a moment to eat.” He whispered something in another language and vines shot out of the walls, each carrying a platter, bowl, or plate.

Moments later, the table was covered in food. There was a steaming steak in front of me. Everyone else got some kind of salad. Several fruit-covered platters filled the middle of the table. We all got a wooden goblet full of chilled apple juice. A large pie was right in the center where it would be almost impossible to reach. Thankfully, that meant nothing in the face of Taya’s magic.

Still, though… I looked down at my steak. “What exactly is this? I’d like to be sure of what I’m eating.”

“That’s a mushroom,” Fyr replied.

“It looks exactly like a steak.”

“I don’t know what a steak is, but I do know what a mushroom is. And I’m very positive that looks exactly like a mushroom.”

As soon as I drove my fork into it, I realized she was right. Is this… a grilled portobello? I used the crappy wooden knife to cut it open and realized it was a stuffed grilled portobello. Stuffed full of cheese, peppers, and onions. It felt very good inside of me and tasted considerably better than the mushroom tea.

It seems no one had any complaints about the salads, either, though Fleur seemed to mostly just be picking at it. Her appetite had left her at some point. The fruit, like the grapes earlier, was fantastic. The pie that Taya dropped on my plate was a blueberry tart that filled me in all the right ways. At least their food was good, even if there was less meat than I’d like.

“Would we be able to meet the representative you’re going to send before we leave?” I asked when everyone had finished eating. The vines removed plates as they emptied, so the table was mostly clear.

“Glade will guide you back out, of course,” Aspen said. “We intend to send her to Canterlot in a few days. I trust the ponies can manage to protect a defenseless doe until we arrive?”

“Of course,” Fleur said. “Our friend, Midnight Blossom, is a very capable captain of the guard. She’s in charge of security for the event and its attendees.”

“Isn’t an undead pony twice as bad as a living one?” Bramble innocently asked.

“Depends on the type of pony,” I said. “Combat unicorns could probably beat her given the right conditions, but Blossom’s stronger than most other ponies. It’s okay, though, because she’s also cuter than most other ponies.”

“It seems like cuteness and danger go hoof-in-hoof in your eyes,” the king said. “I bet you think Luna is adorable, don’t you?”

“Well, she is. She’s also really creepy, though. And I don’t think Pyrite is cute, so your argument is flawed. The point is, Glade will be safe in Canterlot.” You know, as long as she can avoid mouthing off too much. “And when will you be joining us in Canterlot, your majesties?”

Fyr shot a glare to her husband that quickly morphed into a flawless smile. Everyone else was looking at the king in surprise, so I was probably the only one that caught it. Did she not want to go? Or did she not want him to go? Or was she not expecting me to rock his world so hard that he’d have no choice but to agree?

“...We will arrive the day the competition begins,” he replied after a few painfully awkward seconds of thought. “The distance from here to Canterlot is not so far, after all.”

“W-we’re honored!” Fleur said, though she sounded a little strangled. A part of me wondered if she was really taking this friendship between species thing seriously. “But you’d agree to come… in person?”

“The countess drove a hard bargain. I was in no position to refuse.” And that just made Fleur stare at me suspiciously, but at least she wasn’t complaining again.

“May I come as well?” Bramble asked. “Taya could show me around Canterlot!”

“You want to go to a pony city?” Fyr asked.

“Most ponies are untrustworthy, but they aren’t evil,” Bramble replied. “The crime rate in Canterlot is low and Taya is powerful. I’ll be plenty safe.” Most ponies aren’t trustworthy, but you trust a filly you just met to keep you safe? Taya also seemed a little confused by that logic, but knew better than to say anything.

“I’ll allow it, but you’ll have deer guards as well,” Aspen said. My filly deflated a little, but Bramble squee’d.

“...I suppose there is much we must get ready,” Fyr said. “Outfits, gold, other supplies. With the entire royal family leaving, it’ll be a mess here. If we only have a few days to get ready…”

“Yes, we’ll need to begin soon,” the king said. “It’s rare that we host guests here in Thicket. I’m glad this meeting has proven valuable to both parties. Is there anything else you would like to discuss?”

“I do have a question, actually,” I said. “Taya and I just recently started learning more about being a tree sibling. We can both hear trees, but we don’t really know what they’re saying. Are there any books or documents here that go into detail about things of that nature?”

“Not in this city, no,” Aspen said. “And you’d need permission from the Conclave to even learn where they’re located, let alone be allowed to read them. In short, that’s never going to happen. You’ll need to look elsewhere for information about your abilities.”

“Oh well, I tried.” He seemed somewhat shocked that I gave up so quickly, but I didn’t see any reason to give in to his expectations. “I’ll probably want to talk more about trade when you get to Canterlot. Those mushrooms you dosed me with were something else. They might be fun to distribute at the Gala as a deer specialty.”

“You’ve already ruined one too many Galas, Nav!” Fleur said. “Do you really think Celestia would let anyone you know close to the food after what you pulled last time?!”

“All I have to do is leave them on the buffet table with a sign. Idiot nobles will eat it, I promise.”

“I always ignore those invitations, but maybe they’re worth attending after all,” Aspen said. “Did you poison the food?”

“I dosed them with another drug. I’ll try to get some of that for you to sample before you get to Canterlot.”

“Oh yes, weed is quite wonderful,” Taya said with a smile. “It makes you feel so relaxed!”

“That party was pretty fun, until I got stabbed,” I said. “But anyway, we’ll get out of your hair so you can start getting ready.”

Glade appeared at the door. “I am ready to walk you out of the barrier,” she said. “So if you’ll follow me…?

Bramble waved as the three of us followed Glade out of the dining room. The king was starting to talk to his wife, but he made sure to keep his voice low so we couldn’t hear.

The trip out of the city was just as unpleasant as the walk in. All the deer were staring at us in silence again, making for quite the spooky sight. Taya seemed slightly withdrawn and Fleur was staring into space, so that left Glade and I to talk.

“I’ve heard I’m to be a competitor in some event at Canterlot,” she said as we walked through the city.

“Are you looking forward to it?”

“I know ponies aren’t as bad as they say, but I don’t particularly want to go. Sadly, it is what my king wills, so I must obey.”

“Hopefully you’ll be able to have some fun when you get there. The other competitors that I’ve met are all interesting, so you might even make a friend or two.”

“You are allowed your optimism,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I doubt anything will come of this.”

“Maybe, but that’s no reason we can’t do it anyway. This is basically the beta test for the pageant. With luck, it’ll help get the various races talking to each other in a more friendly way. You’ll be representing your species, so remember to smile.”

“I was also informed that I may receive payments in belly rubs, ear scritches, and head pats.” Her stare was honestly a little hurtful, but I bore with it. “Would you happen to know anything about these payments? They seem somewhat strange, like something only a race with soft hands and weak claws could perform. Something ape-like, maybe.”

“Who informed you of this?” I asked, trying to sound innocent.

“Queen Fyr. It was part of the information she received from Fleur.”

“I see. Well, to answer your question, yes. I would happen to know about those payments. Is there something that concerns you?”

“I fail to see how any of those would be considered payments.”

“Observe,” I replied. My hand shot down to my filly’s ear and began scritching. She hadn’t been paying attention, so she jumped in surprise before her face melted in glee. One of her back legs was twitching slightly. “Tummy rubs affect them even more. I’ve never tried it on a deer, but I know it works on zebras, griffins and cats as well. Would you like to submit before my fingers, Glade?”

“A lover of the king himself has no need to ask, countess. My body is yours to do with as you please. I submit to you willingly, so feel free to touch me wherever you like for however long you like.”

That broke Taya’s reverie. “Wait, something she just said sounded important!”

“You’re mistaken,” I replied, patting her on the head. “Let’s keep going.” Fleur definitely noticed as well, since she had a small blush. But since she did lewd things to the queen, she had no right to complain. We continued moving in silence.

The trip out of the deer city seemed to go much faster. That was probably because of how much I was looking forward to leaving. If I’m honest, I really didn’t want to come back. When we got to the edge of the barrier, our guide stopped. “You know the way out of the forest, I trust?” she said.

“The path is basically a straight line,” I replied. “Thanks for getting us this far. If you’re interested in saying hi, come by my house in Canterlot when you get to the city. It’s called Stormview. Any guard should be able to point the way.”

“The invitation is appreciated. Fare thee well, Countess.”

“I’ll do my utmost to not get murdered. See you.” With that, I ducked out of the barrier. Taya followed right behind me, but Fleur lingered for a bit, probably to talk to Glade privately. She didn’t make us wait too long, at least.

“So, should I just teleport us back to the entrance?” Taya asked. “I can probably get all three of us back to Canterlot, too.”

“Can we… walk for a bit?” Fleur asked. “I think a small traipse through nature might help me clear my head. I was expecting the meeting with the deer to go… slightly differently.”

“It caught me off guard, too,” I said. “Flo, Darya, you can return after one snuggle each.” Two blobs of water shot out of the ground and surrounded me before reshaping themselves as elementals. They were wonderfully soft and squishy, helping ease my wounded heart.

“When did they get here?” Taya asked.

“I asked them to be on standby after the king drugged me,” I replied, hugging my wet hoes back.

“Sounds about par for the course,” Taya said, rolling her eyes. Her horn lit up and a small bubble surrounded all of us, hopefully a soundproof barrier. “And that’s when you had sex with him?”

“Well, I never let any part of him really touch me. Basically, I plowed him up the butt with a toy while demeaning him and occasionally smacking him around a little.”

“At least I know Fleur is professional enough to just get her business finished,” Taya said, looking up at the responsible adult with hopeful eyes.

“A-about that,” Fleur said, rubbing at her neck and looking away. Taya’s eyes narrowed and Fleur flinched. “The queen was quite insistent that I try a certain tea. And when I did, well… It seems I became the queen’s lover…” My filly scoffed in disgust. “And how was your date with the prince, missy?”

“What prince?” Taya asked, tilting her head to the side. “Princess Bramble showed me around all day. I didn’t realize she had a brother…”

“King Aspen has one child,” I said. “A son named Prince Bramble.”

“That was a boy?!”

“And that’s how her date went,” I said with a nod. Fleur sighed and hung her head. “Now, this snuggle has been nice, but we shouldn’t clog up the entrance to the city.”

“It’s not like anyone else is in a hurry to visit,” Flo replied. “But as you wish.” She picked me up like a princess and began sliding down the road. The others followed after only a moment or two of hesitation.

“So now that you’ve met them, what do you think of the deer, Fleur?” I asked.

“I’m… still trying to process everything that happened,” Fleur said. “But… I think you were right. Maybe there are some species that can continue to live in the shadows…”

“Are you sure you don’t want to mainstream a culture that murders its children, sells its prisoners as food, and brainwashes the commoners?” I sweetly asked.

“I already said that you were right, so stop fishing for more. I really had high hopes for the deer, but… Their rulers are just as bad if not worse than Oldlestia!”

“So, do you have any criticism on how I handled the meeting with the king?” I asked.

“...I did at the time, but they’ve all slipped my mind. In truth, the meeting is somewhat of a blur in my mind now. Oh, one just came back to me! Blatantly offering to bribe the king is kind of a big deal, Nav. You need to be more subtle.”

“Given the end result, we can treat this like a practice run. At least I did better than the first time I met King Bloodbeak.”

“Didn’t you insult him to his face?”

“He started it, but yes. I also punched Chrysalis in the face one of the first times I spoke to her privately. And now I can say that I pounded the deer king’s bum the first day I met him.”

“Is that really something you should be telling people?” Taya asked.

“He didn’t tell me to keep it secret, so I don’t see why not.”

“That’s really not something you should be telling people,” Fleur said.

“What, are you not going to talk about what you did to the queen?”

“No, I’m not. I hate to say this, but… duh. Why would I do that?”

“To get back at her for dosing you with drugs. That’s why I’d brag about what I did to the king.”

“...This is a conversation we can continue once I’m done reflecting on the meeting,” Fleur said. “Speaking of which, how did my head suddenly clear up at the lunch table?”

“That was me,” Darya replied. “Nav asked me to slip under the table to help you out. I stayed in you until now in case they tried drugging you at lunch. But now that we’re out…” A small blob of water slipped out of Fleur and back into Darya.

“Thank you, both of you. What are your opinions on the deer?”

“I wasn’t a fan,” Flo said.

“I can see the appeal in living such a peaceful, hedonistic life, but it seemed that most of the citizens were essentially in a vegetative state,” Darya said. “I also wasn’t a fan, though the city was aesthetically pleasing.”

“So, poor reviews all around,” Fleur muttered with a sigh.

“Taya, did you learn any cool magic on your date?” I asked.

“I’ve never been on a date before, though. Bramble doesn’t count, since I thought he was a princess!”

“Taya, did you learn any cool magic on your tour?” Flo asked for me.

“No, I didn’t really have time to analyze anything. They do have some pretty cool rituals, though. But that thing about sacrificing babies is kinda weird.”

That sorta killed the conversation for a minute or two. Finally, Fleur sighed again and looked up at me. “Is there a reason you’re being carried like that?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“No, no reason in particular,” Flo said. “Is it a problem?”

“It’s not a problem, but it is weird. Nav, did you hurt one of your feet on the walk in?”

“No. If I had, Taya could have fixed it. Don’t overthink it. That’s exactly what she wants.” Flo giggled and nuzzled me.

“I see. Well, I suppose it is no business of mine.”

“How’s the place you’re surveying for the village?” I asked.

“We’ve located sources of water and flattened a good chunk of land,” Flo replied. “The university is already mostly done. Once it’s finished, construction of the rest of the town will begin. When Skyhold arrives, things will speed up.”

“Any fun natural resources we can exploit?”

“You must remember that the Everfree used to be the capital of Equestria. Most of the resources were all used up before it became a cursed forest.”

“There are plenty of trees and monsters,” Darya said. “Both of those are worth money. Especially magical trees.”

“Well, I have enough money to bankroll the place until it starts bringing in cash. A lot of it will probably function as a distribution hub anyway. Once we get a few teleport circles set up, the money will fall straight into my pocket. And I’m sure some people will come by to visit the casinos and whorehouses.”

“...Why would you be making either of those?” Fleur asked.

“There’s a lot of money to be made in gambling and whoring. Both touch on a greater sin, after all. Greed for gambling, lust for whoring.”

“Are you sure you aren’t getting a little too greedy yourself, Nav?” Fleur asked.

“No, I’m not sure. It’s possible. But money means power. Once the village is settled, I might start several new businesses in a few nearby cities. It’s no good to have money just sitting, after all. Money and businesses will bring me influence and power while propelling the world into the future at the same time. I hope that’s not too greedy.”

“Don’t forget that, as a noble, wealth is to be flaunted. As a countess, you probably shouldn’t even walk anywhere anymore.” So am I being greedy or not?

“Oh, so that’s why Flo’s carrying me,” I said.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. You’ll need to get a carriage of some kind. A chariot is also an option, but it will need to be decorated properly. They also can’t go everywhere, so both would be better.”

“The better option is to just never leave my house, isn’t it?”

“You really shouldn’t be obtuse for more than one sentence in a row, Nav,” Fleur said. “You’re supposed to be working on this, aren’t you?”

“Sorry, you’re right. The better option is to just teleport everywhere, isn’t it?”

“In an ideal world, yes. However, some places are difficult to teleport to. Namely, places one has not yet been. Taya would not be able to deliver you to a party at another noble’s mansion, for example.”

Why would I ever want to go to a party? “Flo or Darya, ask Silver to get me a carriage and a fancy enough chariot.”

“She’s your accountant, not your secretary,” Flo replied.

“So I can leave it to you then, Darya?”

“My lady, I would rather ask Jak,” she replied. “I believe he could construct something far better than you could buy.”

“Thank you for your constructive input. By all means, ask Jak.”

“It will be done.”

“Now, here’s hoping I never need them. Fleur, will I need anything else to be a proper noble?”

“It doesn’t have to be immediate, but as a higher ranking noble, you’d normally need to create or join a political faction. I don’t see you joining an existing group, so creating your own would be best. You could accomplish this by allying with the nobles who own land near to you or by vassalizing nobles without land and granting them a part of your territory.”

“I basically own Celestia and soon I’ll be drowning in money. I’m not interested in politics. I don’t mind making friends with my neighbors, but I doubt I’ll need their help.”

“Building a proper faction comes with a more extensive intelligence network,” Flo said. “It might enable you to prevent any further attempts on your life.”

“Assassinations are the spice of life, though. Like, remember that time an assassin came for me when I was in Princess Gilda’s bedroom? She freaked out because she thought he was for her! Hilarious, right?”

“Yeah, but that was because of Aqua. He actually came for you in the tub, which wasn’t very funny at all.”

“True. The point is, building a faction sounds like work and I don’t wanna do it. At least, I don’t want to do it any time soon. Fleur, have you reached a conclusion about the deer yet? Sooner you do, sooner Taya can teleport us out.”

“It’s hard to think, I’m afraid.”

“I think she’s telling you to shut up,” Taya whispered.

“Yes, I can tell when I’m unwanted,” I whispered back with a pout. Fleur rolled her eyes as the silence set in again.

At least the view from Flo’s arms was different. Looking up at the world was pretty neat, even if a lot of my vision was taken up by a smiling blue chick. As for my reflections? Man, fuck the deer. They could remain a lesser race. The world stage didn’t need them.

Since my mind was already made up, I passed the time by chatting with Taya in our heads. I got to hear all about how the prince was trying and failing to flirt her up. She also described the parts of the city I didn’t get to see. The forbidden waterfall was apparently quite beautiful, though she had no idea what was forbidden about it. The heart of the forest tingled her horn in all the right ways, so she enjoyed it even more. Apparently something about the nature magic present resonated with her or whatever.

Fleur didn’t get over herself until we finally saw the edge of the forest. At this point, all the snow had been cleared from the area around Fluttershy’s house. She was nowhere to be seen, along with all of her animals. They probably moved on to help others wrap up winter elsewhere.

“I think… maybe we have to go slowly with the deer. There’s just so much about them to pick apart. I mean, was all of that a horrible dream or did their king really nonchalantly mention killing babies born out of wedlock?”

“He most surely did,” I replied. “That was not a dream.”

“And… the brainwashing?”

“I noticed it when we got close enough to the palace,” Taya said. “It was a passive effect coming off of the barrier that got stronger the closer we got to the center. As they said, it wasn’t affecting us or Glade.”

“And the two of them just sat on their thrones and rattled all of this off like it was nothing,” Fleur whispered, hanging her head.

“So, shall we start with trade?” I asked.

“...I think that might be best, yes,” Fleur said. “But to be honest, I really don’t know how to even begin breaking their bubble.”

“Starting trade with them opens a dialogue that we can use to look for a chance,” I said. “To be honest, though, I find myself wondering if we even should do anything like that. The deer rarely cause trouble since there are so few of them. Since they keep to themselves, the amount of discord they cause is negligible.”

“Nav, what we just experienced was fairly terrifying, I must say,” Fleur said. “Should we really allow a government like that to continue?”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys. I put Celestia in the ground because she made herself my enemy. The deer are content to stay in their bubble. Besides, Taya, could we take them down?”

“Celestia probably could, if she went herself. Luna definitely could. Twilight, maybe. I could cause a lot of damage, but I don’t think I’d be strong enough to win. There’s almost definitely someone there capable of using that nature energy. If I run into them, I’d lose. They couldn’t use that power outside of the barrier, though. But we’d have to take down all the deer cities, since they’d definitely become problems.”

“So they’re turtled up like crazy, and taking them out would make the other deer our enemies,” I said. “Their governing style leaves much to be desired, but it’s not like we can get them to change. The common people are literally brainwashed and the royals seem to be happy with the status quo. That’s not something we can really break, at least not without a good enough opportunity.”

“Well, knowing you, you’ll make that opportunity soon enough,” Fleur said. “So as long as I’m by your side, I’ll be able to take advantage of it. Now, shall we summon our ride?”

“I could just teleport us back from here,” Taya said.

“It’s already paid for. The view will be worth it.” Fleur’s horn lit up and the little bobble appeared. She fiddled with it for a moment before it started blinking. Apparently our taxi was on the way. “So where do you think Fluttershy went off to?”

“Helping wrap up winter,” I said. “With the animal brigade, she can probably make up for Twilight’s absence.”

“I thought the tradition was to do it all by hoof, without magic,” Fleur said. “How would Twilight speed that up?”

“By organizing the workers. Apparently it was a huge mess before she got here. It’s probably an even bigger mess now that she’s gone.”

“They really didn’t have anyone else capable of that? What about the mayor?”

“No clue. I just know what I was told. I was put off by the whole thing, to be honest. Why do by hand what magic can do automatically?”

“Is that your laziness speaking, mommy? You helped every year when we lived here.”

“You know what Twilight threatened to do to me if I didn’t. Let’s find a place where they can land.” The perfect place for that would obviously be where they dropped us off, so we returned to the front of Fluttershy’s ranch.

Now that we were up front, I could see a few animals that were presumably left behind to guard the place. A bear was lying down in front of the food silos, a few squirrels were playing dice for some acorns in front of the barn, and Angel Bunny was hopping our way with a grizzled old wolf trailing behind him.

“Taya, do you have an animal translation spell?”

“No, but Flo could probably manage,” she replied.

“Flo, would you mind translating?”

“Not at all.” Angel seemed wary of the watery tentacle approaching to violate one of his holes, but didn’t have time to decide what to do before he was penetrated. “He would like to know what our business is. He would also like to peek up your skirt.” Angel squeaked and waved his paws in front of his face. I’m not sure if rabbits can blush, but he might have been trying.

“We’re waiting for our chariot to pick us up,” I replied. “Don’t mind us, we won’t be long.”

“He minds you quite a lot, actually,” Flo said. “You know, after threatening to turn him into soup, seducing his mistress, and then brutally breaking her heart.”

“Well, that can’t be helped.” The wolf started growling. “I don’t want to have to explain to Fluttershy that her animals attacked me again and I had to defend myself again. Especially not in the place I helped fund. We’re waiting here until our ride picks us up.”

“Nav, you can stand to be a little more diplomatic,” Fleur said with a sigh. “I know it paid off with the king, but you can’t keep getting away with this.” Her eyes moved to the growling wolf. “We’re all friends of Fluttershy. She gave us permission to meet with the deer here, as well as regrouping here to return to Canterlot. Our ride is already approaching now.”

“In fact, I can see it,” Taya said. “This conversation is boring, so…” Her horn lit up and the three of us teleported up to the moving chariot. Of course, this surprised the hell out of the pegasi pulling the chariot, but we got them calmed down before we could crash.

“Taya, you’re better than that,” I said. “At least warn us first!”

“You have wings, I can make wings, and Fleur’s easy enough to teleport if she fell. Nothing could go wrong.”

“Except crashing into the ground,” Fleur muttered.

“Well, we didn’t, so it all worked out,” Taya proudly replied. “And we got off the ground without having to deal with more animals.”

“Why would you threaten to turn Fluttershy’s pet bunny into soup?” Fleur asked.

“He was being mean to Fluttershy and she asked me to talk to him. So I talked to him and he stopped being mean to her. Part of that talk may have been a mention of how tasty bunny soup is, but it’s been so long that the details are fuzzy. Besides, he wanted to peek up my skirt. Can’t we say it’s even?”

“I think that’s a stretch,” Fleur said. “Now, what should we tell the others about the deer?”

“Everything, of course,” I said. “Including what I did to the king’s butt.”

“That’s the one thing we absolutely can’t tell anyone,” Fleur immediately replied. “If we’re inviting the deer to the pageant, shouldn’t we try to make them look good?”

“How?” Taya asked. “The only thing we could say is that their city is pretty.”

“We could say they’re very community oriented,” Fleur said.

“You can sugarcoat a turd as much as you want, but talking someone into eating it is still gonna be hard,” I said. “If we could go back to this morning, I think we should have skipped the trip and let the deer rot.”

“It’s too late for that, and you can keep your unseemly analogies. Do you have anything helpful to add?”

“The deer are mysterious and unknown. Can’t we just leave it that way and let the deer speak for themselves when they arrive? We can tell those around us what happened, but I don’t see any reason to go public with the news. Well, aside from letting people know they’ve agreed to participate.”

“That… Hm. I suppose there isn’t a reason to spread anything we discovered. But Nav, seriously, you probably shouldn’t talk about what happened with the king. I know you’re angry about it, but—”

“It’s actually a personal thing,” I said. “A goal, you could call it. I’ve been having sex with as many royals as possible. Unless it would be personally inconveniencing for me, I’ve made it a point to brag about my conquests, too. So I know you wouldn’t recommend it and I recognize that it might not be the best idea, but that won’t stop me. I can’t let it. I don’t have many personal goals, but I have to stick with the ones I’ve made.”

“I wish you could put your determination and resolve to better use. I may have been called the Bicycle of Canterlot, but at least I wasn’t proud of it.”

“Royalty’s a different breed. You have to get through countless layers of security just to be allowed to talk to them, let alone building enough trust to end up between their sheets. I’m always happy to add another to my tally, even if what happened today was a little outside the realm of normal.”

“Mommy, you’re kinda a ho, aren’t you?”

“I got better with the coma. But there are some things I can’t compromise on. Although… Do Luna and Celestia count as princesses or goddesses?”

“Princesses,” Taya said. “If you want goddesses, you need Athena or Hera. Or maybe Arachne.”

“I prefer my skin firmly attached to my body, so I’ll pass.”

“Then I’ll drop the issue,” Fleur said. “Far be it from me to stand in the way of your goals, after all. As for myself, I’ll keep my encounter with the queen private.”

“Should I talk about dating the deer prince?” Taya asked.

“It might help keep suitors away,” Fleur replied. “If they know foreign royalty is interested in your filly, they’ll be less likely to pounce. Anyone who still tries to court her will be powerful enough that you’ll have to meet with, even if you refuse them.”

“And you said I can’t get married, right mommy?” Taya asked.

“You’re an eternafilly treesister. I doubt any noble would be interested in marrying you given that you’re essentially infertile. I mean, I won’t stand in your way, but I wouldn’t expect many takers. Fleur can teach you to lead Bramble by the nose.”

“We had a few talks while you were in the coma, actually,” Fleur said.

“It shouldn’t be hard to toy with him,” Taya said. “Don’t worry, mommy. I’m not as bad as you, so I’m sure nothing will happen.”

“Good. Enjoy your date in Canterlot, then.” The chariot went quiet, thankfully. I guess we all had things to think about. The world wasn’t wavy anymore, so I figured the mushroom tea finally wore off.

When we got to Canterlot, the chariot touched down in my backyard. It rolled to a stop between the two cherry blossom trees. Taya and I stepped onto the lush grass. “The deer are the last competitors I expect to sign up,” Fleur said. “I’ll need to finalize all preparations with the committee in charge of the pageant. It’ll begin in a few days, so don’t leave town for long.”

“I don’t plan on it. I’ll see you soon, Fleur.”

“Indeed. I’ll be discreet about what happened with the deer. Please consider doing the same. Farewell for now, both of you.” With that, the chariot began moving again, taking her up and away.

“So, time to go brag to Doppel about your latest conquest?” Taya asked.

“Yep!” I led the way to the door, where my chief maid was already waiting with a smile. “Doppel, you’ll never guess what happened!”

“You had sex with the king or queen, didn’t you?”

“Nevermind, you did guess what happened. I pegged the king up the bum after he drugged me with mushroom tea.”

“Congratulations, my lady. How was the rest of the trip?”

“Awful. The deer suck.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. As far as I know, no changeling spy has ever successfully infiltrated a deer city, so I really don’t know much about them.”

“Count yourself lucky. They’re worse than Celestia. If they were a bigger threat, something would need to be done about them.”

“...That bad?” she asked with a small flinch.

“They sacrifice unplanned babies, sell criminals to dragons as food, and use magic to literally brainwash the citizens.”

“Yeah, that does sound pretty bad. What are you gonna do?”

“I dunno. So, have I had any guests or deliveries?”

“Yes, a letter arrived. Come inside, my lady. It’s on one of the tables.”

My filly and I followed her in. One of the new maids was already setting down tea for us. Sure enough, a letter was sitting next to one of the cups. I took a seat and used Taya’s horn to slice open the letter. She only looked slightly offended, so I figured it was okay.

“It has Princess Cadance’s seal,” Doppel said as I started reading it.

The letter was an official invitation to another summit, this time between royalty and me. There was also a note under it chastising me for not informing her that I was awake. She and her husband were going to take the first train down to Canterlot, along with Eva. That meant they’d be here tomorrow, probably, assuming the letter arrived via magic.

“Cadance and Eva are coming to visit,” I said.

“That’ll be fun,” Taya said, sipping at her tea. “Things are going to get lively.”

“It’ll be good to see them again. Are you gonna become human again?”

“I dunno, maybe. You didn’t seem too happy last time…”

“I prefer you in your own bodies, but I won’t tell you how to live your lives. It’s just, you won’t be as soft, squishy, or fuzzy if you’re a human. That means no belly rubs, ear scritches, or cuddles. Could you really live with that?”

“It would be hard…”

“I manage just fine,” Doppel said.

“Because you’ve never known such joys,” Taya said. “But if you knew and lost them, coping would be difficult.”

“Anyway, is there other news?” I asked.

“The mare from the tower has returned with a new horn,” Doppel said. “She’s experimenting with it upstairs. The new maids have officially started, as you can see. There have also been a large number of letters from other nobles, but I screened them and determined you didn’t need to see them.”

“Wonderful. Have you failed to learn her name as well?”

“No, I’m just impressed by your dedication and want to help you keep it going,” she replied. “You personally recruited this mare and solved a major dilemma for her without ever actually learning her name. I wonder what she’ll say when she finds out…”

“No clue. Taya, you want to see if you can learn anything from her? She was one of the seven, so she might have some interesting insights.”

“That might be worthwhile.” She drained her tea and stood back up. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me, mommy.”

“See you, then.” I booped her and she was off. “So, I believe my schedule is clear for the day.”

“It might be a good time to talk to Silver Quill,” Doppel said. “Would you like me to ask her to join you downstairs?”

“If you would. It’s about time I got a grip on my finances.”

“As you command.”

And so I spent the rest of the day learning just how rich I really was. As it turns out, the answer was very. Bankrolling the village wouldn’t be a problem and starting several new businesses would be simple. It was only a matter of time before I became a massive tycoon.

I was looking forward to it.