Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Eight

“So, what did you think of the deer?” Luna asked when she returned that night. I was still sitting downstairs, having just finished going over business ideas with Silver Quill. From her estimation, the first thing I should do is start my own accounting company to keep track of everything else. She was probably right, so I asked her to go to a bank to sort it out for me. Luna was the first one to come downstairs in a while, actually.

“I was not a fan,” I replied. “They were quite open about their culture. The king even admitted to using the barrier to brainwash people. Then they mentioned something about sacrificing babies. It was quite the ordeal. The city was beautiful, though.”

“Indeed, the city is aesthetically pleasing. Though I think it might be prettier if it were wreathed in flames of hellfire…”

“Sounds like work. I have some questions about what you told Aspen about me. Is it true you mentioned some of our sex life?”

“No, of course not.” I lifted an eyebrow. “I told them about your sex life with everyone, not just our own. I made sure to include as many details as I could!”

I couldn’t stop myself from sighing. “Why would you do that?”

“To make Aspen and Fyr jealous, of course.”

“The king asked me to dominate him today. However, he was disappointed when he learned I was female.”

“Did it make him change his mind?”

“No, of course not. I put stuff up his butt, slapped him around, and just generally taught him a prey’s place.”

“Sounds utterly delightful, my lady,” Luna replied with a small blush. “If you ever think I need reminding, please don’t hesitate.”

“I’m actually somewhat upset about this series of events. You see, he drugged me before doing the dirty. And the whole reason he got the idea to do lewd things with me is because of you.”

“...My lady, are you really upset?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow. “I thought you had some kind of collection going, or something?”

“The deer are creepy. I don’t want the details of my life shared with them. I sorely hope you aren’t sharing more information about me with others.”

“The only time any of the other vassals or servants will talk to me is when it’s about you or work. Since you talk about yourself so little, we like to compare notes and share information. Some of the guards also have bets about which royal you’ll have fun with next, so thank you for winning me some pocket change. Sentinel will also be quite pleased, I’m sure.”

“At least someone won from this whole ordeal. The king didn’t even have the decency to seem traumatized after I toyed with him. I’m sure I listed at least seven recipes for cooking deer while riding him… Tch, bastard…”

“You never gave me such a wonderful treatment! Where are all your recipes for cooking horses?”

“Humans where I lived didn’t eat horses. My family had some for work reasons, so they were basically big pets as far as I was concerned.”

“The belly rubs and ear scritches suddenly make more sense.”

“Plus the initial revulsion at the thought of sex with one.” Not that it ended up mattering. “Anyway, I’m going to have to punish you. Give me your hoof.”

“M-my hoof?” she whispered, holding one up. I stood and grabbed it, then held it like I was trying to shoe it. Once it was secure, I started tickling the frog of her hoof. Blaze recommended it, and that’s when I remembered how effective it was on her way back at the Summer Wrap Up festival. Sure enough, it had her giggling and then outright laughing in seconds. I heard some people walking into the room, but there was no reason to pay them any mind.

I continued punishing my vassal for her past transgressions until Flo warned me. I didn’t want Luna making a mess, so I finally released her hoof. “I hope this taught you a very valuable lesson,” I said, finally turning to face her.

“G-gambling is w-wrong?” she breathlessly replied. Her face was bright red and she was panting like crazy. It was a pretty good look for her. It was almost cute enough for me to forgive her, but I thumped her in the nose. She hung her head. “I’m sorry for telling the deer king all about your hot monkey dick, my lady…”

“Oh, so you had sex with the king?” Kat asked from behind Luna. She was smirking, for whatever reason, though she quickly latched herself onto one of my arms. “Congratulations, my lady.”

“Well, you know how it goes. Is something wrong, Watcher?” I’m not sure why, but it looked like he had just seen a ghost. Maybe he had the spell that let him see ghosts active? But no, he was actually looking at me…

“Were you just… tickling her?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“You punished the rebellious night princess with tickles? And it worked?!”

“Are you just now realizing that I’m amazing, Watcher? I’m surprised it took so long.”

“So this means I won the bet, right?” Sentinel asked, popping up behind Watcher. “How was the trip, my lady? Got any juicy deets about the king?”

“He wanted to play with a predator so I did stuff to his butt and slapped him around. You know the drill.”

“I know I don’t need the money, but I never get tired of winning,” Sentinel said with a big grin.

“How was the rest of the trip?” Watcher asked.

“Shitty. The deer are worse than the rumors. We got them to agree to send a representative to the pageant, but a part of me wishes we failed.”

“Did this teach you a very valuable lesson, my lady?” Luna innocently asked.

“Yeah, fuck cervines. The only way to undo their own brainwashing would probably be with our own brainwashing, but I don’t know if they’re bad enough to warrant that. Maybe if they had more influence, but if they’re just minding their own business…”

“It’s best not to worry about the deer at all,” Princess Gilda said, finally showing her face. That meant the entire away team was probably back. “They think we’re still barbaric enough to eat sapient creatures, so they send us slaves all the time.”

“What becomes of them?” I asked.

“We educate them about the real world, then dump them with the others. Most of them live in a town that borders Equestria. The deer that get sent to us are apparently the lucky ones. Some get sent to the dragons. Others are killed outright. The things I’ve heard about deer cities are all unpleasant. Are they actually attending the pageant?”

“One of their city-states is, yes. It’s Thicket, the one near Ponyville.”

“I’m impressed you managed to convince them. Though if I heard correctly, your magic hands may have been part of the reason.”

“Yes, he probably enjoyed as I traced lines across his skin, detailing how I’d cut him up to serve him certain ways.”

“That’s super bucked up,” Sentinel replied.

“That creepy old man drugged me! I had every right to do bucked up and fucked up things to him.”

“He’s not that old,” Luna muttered.

“And every right to talk openly about it?” Watcher asked.

“He didn’t ask me to keep silent.”

“How were the drugs?” Kat asked.

“They were really nice, but that’s not the point. It’s rude to drug people without permission. What I did was supposed to teach him a lesson, but aside from the limp and despite all the tears and screams during, he seemed to enjoy it! Deer really are the worst.”

“I can honestly say that’s not something I ever wanted to hear a countess say,” Watcher replied, shaking his head in disappointment. “Equestria really is going downhill…”

“Oh please, I’ve been a net positive on Equestria. Brainwashing Celestia alone grants me a huge amount of points. I’m also kinda a hero. I may be pure scum sometimes, but generally, I’ve been a plus. Also, you’re rich enough to be a sugar daddy because of me, so you really shouldn’t complain.”

“I just think Celestia put too much stock in you changing before she made you a noble. Maybe she should have waited for you to change first…”

“I’m a model lady. I think I proved it today, since my negotiations were successful. You should be praising me, if anything!”

“You did well, my lady,” Luna replied.

“At least some of you appreciate me. So, it’s the first day of spring. That means I’ll be up all night. Does anyone have any suggestions?”

“I don’t mind keeping you company,” Kat said, cuddling up closer to me. “I can stay up for days at a time with no problems!”

“I also volunteer,” Luna added. “Magic can keep me going for as long as I need, so I’d be happy to be at your side every minute of every day.”

“You’d have plenty of time to study technology,” Gilda said. “If you’re going to be forming a college based on it, you’ll need to know a lot more than you do now.”

“It would be a good chance to spend time with your filly,” Sentinel said. “She’ll be awake right alongside you.”

“Good point. We can have a girl talk or something.” I used to have more chances to talk to her one-on-one, but living on the ship kinda curtailed that. Having all night to spend with each other would be neat.

“Being a tree sister truly sounds interesting,” Gilda said. “Taya mentioned a potion. Would you be willing to share the recipe?”

“No, but I would be willing to share a potion. I’m not really sure this is something that should be experimented with, so I don’t think spreading the recipe would be the best idea. Though wouldn’t it be bad for a griffin royal to become quasi-immortal? Would that cause any succession issues?”

“I’m not in the line for the throne, so no. I’m just a member of the royal family. Becoming immortal means I could start to pull strings over time, though. And it would mean you’d have a friend in our kingdom for a very long time. I would like the recipe, but just the potion would be enough for now.”

“I have a book on the long-term effects of becoming a tree sibling. I’ll have it translated so others can decide for themselves what to do. If you still want the potion after that, we’ll talk.” Maybe I could have a tree sister workshop or something? “You’ll also need to decide which tree you want to mimic.”

“The flowers in your hair are so adorable,” Kat said, batting at one of them with her paw. “And this braid is perfect! I think cherry blossoms might make the best tree sisters, personally.”

“It was the king’s work. He violated my hair without permission.”

“Tch, lucky,” Luna muttered, looking away. I wonder if Bimbo Mode would work on a pony? Wait, no, I’m supposed to be better than that now.

“Who all can get a potion?” Sentinel asked.

Way to put me on the spot. “That will be decided on an individual basis, based on my personal discretion.”

“So, your favorites?” Watcher asked. I shrugged. “Well, Taya is the one who has the recipe and Zecora will be the one brewing the potion. That means they’ll have to agree, too.”

“That shouldn’t be an issue. So, I have spending time with my filly and learning more on the list. Any other suggestions?”

“Practice various skills, perhaps?” Kat asked. “I’d be happy to spend time practicing combat with you!”

“It would do you well to prepare more for battle,” Luna said. “I’d be happy to get my saddle so you can practice riding me under pressure.”

“That’s a good point. The beauty pageant is coming up. I don’t really have many skills, so maybe I should practice some of the ones I do have. Like… juggling. And… I’m probably going to lose on the first night. I’m looking forward to not having to deal with it anymore.”

“You’re in luck, then,” Gilda said. “Fleur heard that some contestants were worried about getting eliminated in the first night, so instead of us getting picked off one by one, we’ll compete until the end and the winners will be decided from all of us.”

“That’s the worst! She’s doing it just to make me and Kumani squirm!”

“Isn’t she doing it to make you squirm?” Sentinel asked. “Kumani’s just an innocent bystander who’ll get caught in the fire. You really do attract some troublesome ones, don’t you?”

My eyes moved from Luna to Kat before I hung my head and sighed. “Now I just want to go to bed…”

“That’s certainly where I’ll be,” Watcher said. “Have fun, my lady.” He chuckled before excusing himself. It was still too early for bed, so he was probably just trying to escape before he got dragged in.

“I think both of you promised to do something about your clinginess,” Sentinel said. “You know our lady doesn’t like it.”

“I am merely offering my services,” Luna haughtily replied.

“A blood servant’s place is attached to her lady’s side,” Kat said, making no effort to remove herself. “That way, I’ll always be able to sacrifice myself for her!”

“I’ve already ordered you not to do that. I can come back from the dead. You can’t. That means your life is more important.”

“I don’t think that’s something a countess is allowed to say,” Sentinel said.

“And that sounds like something a commoner would say,” I replied. “I can give my vassals pretty much any order I like. Luna, who would you prioritize, me or you?”

“You, of course. It doesn’t matter if you can come back or not. It would do me irreparable mental harm if you were to come to harm due to something I could have prevented.”

“So you’re going to disobey your lady’s order over some self-serving nonsense? You belong to me, don’t you?”

“That’s one order I could never choose to obey,” Luna said with a small grin. “Of course I’d do anything to protect you, no matter what.”

“...And Kat’s just as crazy as you are, so I bet her answer is similar.”

“It’s my duty to be your guardian,” Kat said. “So there’s no doubt I’ll protect you to my last breath.”

“How difficult would it be to get a hot blood servant of my own?” Gilda asked.

“Well, first you have to go to Egypt,” I said.

“Then I guess it’s already too much for me,” she said, sighing.

“Kat, would you be willing to spoil the princess tonight?” I asked.

“If it is as my lady wishes,” Kat replied.

“Then she’s yours to play with. Have fun with her.” Gilda looked somewhat surprised, but didn’t complain when Kat’s purring body draped over her own. “You’re not ready for Luna, so you’ll have to settle for just Kat.”

“I am pleased that there are still new things yet to be discovered here in Equestria,” Gilda replied. “Thank you, Nav. And thank you, Kat.”

“Let’s go freshen you up, your highness,” Kat said, tweaking one of Gilda’s wings. “After a long day of work, you should take some time to rest!” It was easy enough for her to drag Gilda out, leaving me stuck with Sentinel and Luna, plus the new maid who was bringing in more tea.

“Shall I get my saddle?” Luna sweetly asked. “You can ride me all night long, my lady!” The maid’s face lit up bright red, but she didn’t say anything.

“That won’t be necessary. And Sentinel is right, I asked you to stop being creepy.” I didn’t really want tea and I was starting to think I’d have to tell them not to bring it out every time people show up. But since it was already there, I regretfully drank some. “Sentinel, would you like to be Luna’s minder?”

“I don’t think I’m durable enough for the task, my lady,” Sentinel replied, shaking her head.

“True, I guess that might be a bit much to ask of a pony. Oh, we should revive Poira.”

“Securing the Everfree comes first,” Luna said. “You’ll need to use your trees to purify the place. If Poira is released now, the monsters within will begin leaving the forest, causing great havoc. You’ll have to mind me yourself, my lady!”

“Please don’t sound so proud of that. Then I guess I’ll say this: I’ll let you know if I think it’s time to ride you. Until then, don’t worry about it.”

“...You give orders that are much more difficult than my sister’s.”

“But the ear scritches are better,” I said, demonstrating on one of her ears.

“It’s like all the stress just flows away,” Luna whispered, giving herself up to the wonderful sensations my fingers produced.

“So, how was work?” I asked. “Are you making good progress at the bunker?”

“We didn’t discover anything big today, I’m afraid,” Sentinel said. “Most of our day was spent babysitting archaeologies. Celestia’s taking this very seriously, it seems. There don’t seem to be any roaming spirits, so it seems to be completely safe in the areas that have been cleared. You’re welcome to join us down there one day, my lady.”

“I will, eventually. Would you like an ear scritch, too?”

“No thank you, I’m fine.”

“You really should treat yourself sometime,” Luna said. “It would probably help your feminine charms. I’ve only gotten cuter since our lady began spoiling me!”

“Is that really something you should be saying?” Sentinel asked. “Nav, did you strip the shame from both of our princesses or were they always like this?”

“They were like that when I got here. As if a mere mortal like myself could change someone so ancient and powerful. Did you hear the part where she told the deer king all about my sexual escapades when she last visited? That was like a hundred and fifty chapters ago, so I barely had any time with her at that point.”

“...Chapters?”

“Point is, I’m a victim, not the cause. So I’d appreciate sympathy, not blame. Or should I remind you of that time Celestia cast a lust spell on me right before she went into heat and I got trapped in the palace for a week?”

“I don’t really want to know the details, but when was this again?” Sentinel asked.

“The week after we caught Chrysalis, leading up to the real wedding between Cadance and Shiny. I don’t remember much of it, myself. Apparently I got to steal Celestia’s crown, though. Pinkie Pie still has the pictures. I also asked Celestia if she was technically bald, since that stuff on her head isn’t really like hair. Both of the sisters were huge sluts that were just waiting for someone to latch onto.”

“I protest being called a slut,” Luna replied, pouting at me.

“The first wager you ever made with me was one where the winner got to sexually dominate the loser. Sentinel, how does that sound to you?”

“It sounds… slutty, my lady.”

“If any of my habits seem strange to you, please keep in mind that some of my formative years were spent as a plaything for these two ancient, slutty sisters.”

“Yes, things make more sense now,” Sentinel said, staring quite pointedly at Luna. “It’s a shame your time was spent servicing old hags. Did they allow you to spend time with other mares?”

“I was punished for sleeping with Moonbeam. The punishment was that everyone in the country would have naughty dreams about me for a week or so.” Sentinel’s stare turned into a glare. “Anyway, would either of you happen to know the process to set up a business in Equestria?”

“That’s quite the subject change, my lady,” Luna said.

“It’s in your benefit, so deal with it. I asked Silver, but she didn’t know. I was hoping an ex-princess might.”

“It differs per city,” Luna said. “In cities owned by the crown, like Canterlot, you need to register with the local branch of the Merchant’s Guild. They can help you find a storefront, a warehouse, and workers. Some noble-owned cities have branches of the Merchant’s Guild, but some have local guilds instead.”

“Is it really okay for a countess to become a merchant?” Sentinel asked.

“Most nobles register through proxies,” Luna said. “Trusted individuals like retainers or vassals would register and act in the noble’s interest at the guild. However, joining the Merchant’s Guild requires a fee. All business expenses, profit records, and other such documents are to be passed onto the guild quarterly for audit. They also handle collecting taxes for the crown.”

“That sounds like it’s open to incredible amounts of corruption.”

“Thus, the reason I know all the rules,” Luna replied. “Blossom and I stamped out the corruption in Canterlot shortly after I originally returned. As for other cities, well… Bureaucrats, especially corrupt ones, tend to be well-informed. None would dare stand in your way, my lady. Not when it would mean making an enemy out of Celestia herself. And not when it would likely mean earning even less money in the long run.”

“I probably should use a vassal for this. Where’s Gourd? I don’t think I’ve seen him since I woke up.”

“The elementals have the Second Chance and the Ambassador flying all over the place,” Sentinel said. “I think Flo is spearheading the mission. Apparently they’re ordering things from skilled craftsmen.”

“Flo?” I asked.

She took over my mouth to say aloud, “Your village is going to start with a very big population of radically different groups. They’ll need to begin working together to support themselves quickly. Jak and the Skyhold will be busy constructing housing and golems. We decided it would be best to outsource the labor for items required for industry. In an attempt to keep our plans secret from any possible competitors or saboteurs, we decided to spread our orders out across several regions. After all, this will be your time to prove to everyone that you’re going to bring prosperity to the world. We must hit the ground running.”

“At this point, there’s basically nothing left for me to do. You’re really into this.”

“There is still much for you to do, Nav,” Luna said. “Making the population meld together will be your responsibility. That is what the leader is for, after all. That said, you wouldn’t need to register any business you plan to run in your town. You wouldn’t qualify for a Merchant’s Guild until your population gets high enough.”

“The first thing I want to start is a transport company,” I replied. “It’ll operate nation-wide and teleport goods and people from one city to another. I was hoping to use the town as a central warehouse to store goods we buy cheap in one area. With stores all over the place, I can easily compare prices of local goods and then ship items I bought cheaply in one place to a place I can sell them for more. Once I have enough market research, I can look into making stores in places where the required resources are cheap. A clothing shop where cotton and wool is farmed, for example, or a machining shop where metal is mined. The products can then be sold anywhere I have teleporters. With enough time, I’ll have supermarkets in major cities where you can obtain fresh fruit and vegetables from all over the world at any time of the year, along with all kinds of commonly wanted commodity items like makeup and tools.”

“That sounds like a paradise,” Sentinel said.

“No, just a Walmart,” I replied. “Such places were common in my time. Having nothing like it here has been a major drag, so I’m going to do something about it. And like Luna said, if anyone stands in my way, I’ll sic a princess on ‘em.”

“Won’t that mean incredible profits?” Luna asked.

“Yes, to the point where other businesses will probably lose customers. I can obtain products cheaper so I can sell them for lower prices. I’ll be making more money from these markets than Celestia will from all the taxes in the country, guaranteed. I don’t even have to call it a promise, either. It’s simply just a matter of time.”

“Will my ex-sister agree to that, though?” Luna asked.

“She already handed me the reins of her economy. These aren’t my only ideas. The printing presses in this world could use some work. I’d like to get some book stores running. Then there’s the cotton gin. That one will be a nightmare to bring in without breaking society, but Celestia will figure it out somehow. It’ll be a few decades, but I’ll get this society up to speed. With luck, we can get a space elevator rolling soon and then build a moon base. Push comes to shove, evacuation might be a route we could take. I wouldn’t mind chilling on ice on the way to Alpha Centauri.”

“Who’d want to live on the moon?” Sentinel asked.

“People who like cheese, I guess,” I said with a shrug. “I’m going to do all kinds of fun things, as long as I live long enough. You sure you signed up with the right lady, Sentinel?”

“I could never doubt you now, Countess,” she replied with a bow.

“You just might deserve a belly rub. Would you like to assume the position?”

“I’m afraid I must refuse, though I’m honored by the offer.”

“There’s no need to be so humble, you know. Sometimes you should just accept your rewards properly. It’s somewhat hurtful to be denied the chance to show my gratitude…”

“Words of gratitude from my noble lady are more than enough,” Sentinel said, her ears twitching. “I am a humble mare of humble means. Desiring more would be above my station…” It felt pretty good in the room to me, but she was sweating for some reason. I narrowed my eyes slightly and she looked away. “Well, I think I need a shower after my hard day’s work. If you’ll excuse me, my lady…?”

“True, it would be better for both of us if your fur was clean when I pet you. I’ll allow it.” She darted away and flew upstairs.

“If you desire to rub a tummy, mine is always available,” Luna solemnly said, placing a hoof on my shoulder.

“Thank you for the sentiment. Now that the kids are gone, how would you take over the deer without killing them all?”

She removed her hoof with a sigh and looked down. “Hm, without killing them all? Well, in the first place, I’d have to ask why.” Her eyes moved back to mine, suddenly alert and focused. “They produce basically nothing, just enough to sustain themselves. They live in a forest, so even if they did start going outside their bubble, they couldn’t produce much more. I’ll admit that they have some secrets of magic that my sister and I likely aren’t aware of, but nothing that would seriously be worth the effort of conquering them. The only reason it might be considered worth it would be if you enslaved the entire population and had them shipped to various cities as workers. But if that’s all you wanted, we could just as easily get drones from Moonbeam or invite dogs from China or Mexico.”

“Let’s discount the why and focus on the how. Would it be possible?”

“...Conventionally, no. A siege would be pointless, since they produce everything inside their bubble. If you were able to get past the outer layer of the bubble, you’d have to be incredibly strong to withstand the internal defenses. Every tree would turn into an enemy. Deer with enough training can teleport at will, infinitely, which gives them the ability to surround you with a small number of constantly shifting targets. Vines will target you from the ground and the trees. Lightning will fall at you from the skies. The local residents will mindlessly throw themselves at you, forcing you to either subdue or kill the brainwashed populace. It would be a nightmare, my lady. I could probably make it through, kill the king, and erase the magic circle that produces the barrier, but there’s no telling how many deer I would have to murder in the process. With that level of brainwashing, I wouldn’t have the luxury of going easy on them.”

“So, unconventionally?”

“The obvious answer is with some brainwashing of our own,” Luna said. “If it works on Celestia, it would work on the deer. However, we’d have to infect all of the deer city-states. If any of them opened the gates to outsiders, the leaders would be recalled instantly and then executed. It truly is a surprise that they were willing to send a representative. I wonder if that’s the will of the Council or if it’s Aspen’s personal decision.”

“I figured if we could get them dependent on us for certain goods, we could wean them off the evilness a little at a time. Why are they even like that, anyway? I got the basic deer version while I was there, but do you know the truth?”

“It was right after Discord was locked into stone. Monsters were roaming freely, killing as they went. They were desperate times for all of us, my lady. A leader rose up among the deer and he managed to convince a few other deer species to join up in a defensive confederation. The basic tenet was to share knowledge and come to the aid of any other city under siege. Bandits, predators mostly, also attacked, enslaved, and sometimes even ate prey with abandon. Coming together the way they did probably saved a lot of deer lives. However, I believe your kind has a saying about the pathway to hell.”

“It’s paved with good intentions, yeah. While I was there, I kinda accused the original king of having less than pure intentions when he took power, and that he was probably paying outsiders to attack them.”

“It’s possible. I didn’t have the time to pay attention to other races back then. It was basically me and Reggie versus the world. Ah, the good ol’ days…”

“We can rampage and whatnot in Tartarus, so don’t go losing yourself in memories now. So the deer seriously aren’t worth it, are they?”

“They’d certainly be worthwhile allies. Their cities are basically impregnable fortresses. If we could gain access to a few and garrison troops within them, our territory would be much more secure.”

“If we’re going that far, we should just steal their magic. Do you think you and Twilight could sneak in?”

“No. Nothing gets through or under the barrier without notice.”

“Well, the main goal would be to replicate their power source. I could live without the cloaking if we could find a way to harness all that nature magic as a defensive shield.”

“...Nature magic?” Luna slowly said.

“Taya said that’s how the entire place is powered, barrier included. I imagine the reason the deer can teleport so freely is because the magic permeates the air.”

“It seems a tree sister’s magic senses are finer than even my own, at least when it comes to nature magic. If that truly is the case, we might be able to sneak in. Getting caught would have consequences, though. Apparently espionage is frowned upon these days.”

“Plan A: Steal their magic. Plan B: If caught, move toward eradicating them all instead.”

“Ah, that would work. Shall I begin drafting plans?”

“Not yet, we’re just spitballing ideas.”

“...Spitballing? Is that another lewd term?”

“Not this one, no. It’s when you shoot a small wad of paper through a straw and it sticks to something. In this case, we’re just talking in general terms, trying to come up with a method of approach that we could put more detail into later. Not that I expect conquering the deer will become necessary. It’s just… man they’re fucked up.”

“We should go for it,” Taya suddenly said. I looked up and there she was in the doorway. “By the way, what did you do to Sentinel?”

“I was just trying to reward her.”

“Well, I’ll be happy to take her belly rub.”

“Anyway, we’re not going to attack the deer. This is all strictly hypothetical. Besides, the prince seemed quite taken by you, Taya. He’s the perfect target for you to learn how to toy with guys. He can’t get you pregnant and there’s no way he’ll marry you.”

“How did you make that sound like an insult?” Taya asked, tilting her head. “I mean, I know it’s because he’s a prince, but it feels like my femininity has been called into question…”

“Trust me when I say you’re probably better off without a prince asking for your hoof in marriage,” I replied. “The council will pick a wife for him at some point. That won’t be something he can fight against. Until then, you can toy with him at your leisure. Does that offend you less?”

“Slightly. You’re still assuming I want to toy with a boy, though.”

“You said you weren’t interested in other fillies. Don’t you think it would be good to get the practice in case you ever need it?”

“W-well… The plans are already made, anyway. Even if I thought I was making a friend instead of a coltfriend…”

“Do your best, Taya,” I said with a nod. “Though if you want him as a friend instead, you should make that clear the next time you see him. But I mean, after meeting them today… Do you really want a deer as a friend? Having one as a toy would be better, in my opinion.”

“Isn’t what we saw today the exact reason why we should try befriending them?” Taya asked. “But… The next time we go to a country, can it be one with a princess my age?”

“Luna, are there any such countries?”

“The primary leader of the minotaurs has a fairly young daughter. However, I’m not sure at what rate minotaurs mature, so her mental age is up in the air.”

“Good, I wanted to recruit them anyway,” I said. “Is a minotaur pseudo-princess fine, Taya?”

“Iceland is also an option,” Luna happily added. “Pyrite has many daughters of varying ages. Since he’s officially the Dragon King of Iceland now, they’d be princesses.”

“Hard pass on the dragons,” Taya said. “A minotaur would do nicely. She’d have hands to pet me with! Isn’t that the best thing a pony could ask for in a friend? Although talking to Bramble about nature magic was kinda fun…”

“Then befriend him instead,” I said with a shrug. “I believe in you.”

“I thought you wanted me to seduce him.”

“I want you to have fun. I figured seducing him would be an interesting challenge for you. But what you do is up to you. Although, why would you prefer to befriend a princess?”

“A princess would be more useful for you, right?”

“I’m not looking for my filly’s friends to be useful to me. Please think of a more selfish reason.”

“Um… So they can use their power as royalty to benefit me personally?”

“That’s more reasonable,” I replied with a nod. “Just don’t go overboard with it. Most young princesses don’t really have much power. I mean, think about Gilda. She’s so unwanted that even her guest chambers go uncleaned.”

“Even I had more influence than that,” Luna said, shaking her head sadly. “Though that’ll all change if you truly do give her one of those potions.”

“So… princesses are usually worthless?” Taya asked, her head tilting.

“The non-Equestrian world usually rates princesses as the lowest of royalty,” I said. “It might be different now, but back before my time, there were some places that didn’t let women come into power at all. That meant princesses were almost exclusively used to form alliances with powerful factions through marriage. They’re given a nice life, but have essentially no real power.”

“It’s mostly the same here,” Luna said. “Celestia and I have our reasons for refusing to claim the title of queen, but we essentially acted in that position. Thus, Equestria was ruled by princesses. The custom has also transferred over to the Crystal Empire now, it seems.”

“...Empress Cadance,” I muttered, looking down. “Given how perverted she is, it actually seems to fit her better… Think we can get her to switch?”

“It would definitely go to her head,” Taya said. “We should refrain.”

“I concur with Taya,” Luna said with a nod. “We’d probably find her making Shining Armor lick her hooves.”

The blue maid cleared her throat and grinned. “Agreeing to work here was the best decision ever, my lady,” she softly said. “Working in a noble’s house gives me so much to gossip with my sister about!”

“As long as it stays in the house, I don’t care who you gossip with,” I said. “As I’m sure you may have noticed, interesting tidbits tend to crop up in our conversations. I won’t make it too easy on you, but expect to stay entertained for a while.”

“Yes, my lady!” I wasn’t expecting her to grin so innocently, but I wasn’t going to complain. After all, I had no right to say anything to the mare whose name I had already forgotten.

Maybe there’s something wrong with my brain?

Eh, whatever.

“Mommy, I have a question,” Taya said. “Did Cadance’s letter mention where they would actually stay?”

“Well, I assume they’re staying in the palace, right?” I asked. “I mean, they’re visiting royalty. Eva and co can stay here with no problem, but I don’t think Cadance could figure out a way to force her way in here.”

“Is it truly so far-fetched?” Luna asked, tilting her head. “There’s already precedent, is there not? Princess Gilda is forgoing the palace and staying here. And there’s also precedent for Cadance living with you.”

“...There was a P.S in her letter,” I muttered, scrounging around for the thing. I had gotten displaced by all the financial paperwork, but I found it quickly. “P.S, Please do your best to accommodate us all!”

“I think she got us,” Taya said, hanging her head.

“Gosh darnit,” I said with a sigh. “Well, we’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.”

“Is that how the idiom goes these days?” Luna asked. “I thought it was something about crossing bridges. Or maybe it was burning bridges after they were crossed? Hm, how did it go?”

“Don’t let her confuse you,” Taya said. “She mixed two idioms as bait to see if someone would change the subject for her.”

“You shouldn’t assume motives, Taya,” I said, booping her. “That’s how tragic miscommunications arise.”

“It’s not an assumption. I know you like the back of my hoof, mommy.”

“She meant my motives,” Luna said with a proud grin. “I knew she was trying to change the subject and spoke up to assist.”

“I know Luna acts the way she does, but that doesn’t mean you can underestimate her,” I said. “She may be dangerously insane, but she’s old, wiley, and smart.”

“Your words were meant to build me up and yet somehow I can only feel insulted,” Luna whispered, eyes avoiding mine.

“Well, and I’ll stress that this is only theoretical… If I ever were to practice riding, it would have to be at night. Maybe that’ll cheer you up.” Sure enough, a strange grin split her face. Subject successfully changed.

Thankfully, it wasn’t all that difficult to get the annoying ones to go to bed at a normal time. All it took was a few direct orders and ignoring some sulky looks. Taya and I were still going strong when the last holdout, Doppel, finally traded places with Aurora, who had been tentatively assigned to the night shift. The only ones he had to tend to were us and the few guards who were up and about, so he probably wouldn’t be too busy.

That said, it didn’t take long for his first task to present itself. A knock at the door pulled him out of the sun room, where the rest of us had congregated. I had been looking for an excuse to ditch the troops, so this was a godsend. “Who’d be visiting this late?” one of the guards asked.

“A vampire,” I replied. All of my pony soldiers thought highly of Blossom, so there were no complaints. “If the human legends are true, vampires can’t enter homes without permission.”

“That explains why she always required a warrant!” one of the guards said.

“Isn’t that just being a good, law-abiding guard?” I asked. My soldiers all scoffed, though none made an actual rebuttal.

It didn’t take long for our undead guest to enter. “Good evening, my… Wait, Nav? Is that… really you?” She seemed quite surprised by my transformation, which I suppose made sense.

“Yes, it’s really your favorite human. How have things been, Blossom?”

“Things have been going exceptionally well for me, but… You’ve really changed, haven’t you? Your wings and tail for sure, but even your body and… your facial structure, slightly. What on earth?”

“There’s your problem: It wasn’t Earth,” I said. “It was a pocket dimension inhabited by insane and powerful human-esque mages. One of them happened to have been the goddess of beauty, among other things. So while I was sleeping, she decided, unprompted and without asking, to beautify me. She succeeded, which kinda sucks.” Seriously, how is this my life?

“Well. How was the coma?”

“It was alright, I guess. I got to see some conversations between some of my friends. You know, things like how easy to manipulate I am.” Her ears twitched and she looked away. “Things like how to seduce me, sometimes. Oh, and how to talk me into all sorts of humiliating things. It was quite enlightening.” She’s lucky vampires couldn’t blush. If they could, she’d probably have to try to hide her face.

“I’m… sorry you had to go through that,” Blossom said, still not looking me in the eyes.

“Yes, well, I realize that I brought it on myself. I only have a few hard feelings, so don’t worry.”

“Besides, you’re too cute to stay mad at,” Taya helpfully added.

“I happen to have a legal question, if you wouldn’t mind,” I said. “I know importing alcohol is illegal, but what about exporting it?”

“The laws were originally written on the assumption that nobody in Equestria knew how to make alcohol,” Blossom said. “That means there are no provisions about making, consuming, or exporting it. In the past, that meant possessing it meant you got it through smuggling, which made all alcohol in Equestria contraband. But now that there are ways to produce it, we only go after mead, which we know is produced by griffons. So as long as you aren’t moving mead, you should be fine. Why?”

“I was planning on trading alcohol to the deer for hardcore drugs. Nothing for you to worry about.”

“Okay, good. I have a feeling you’re going to test my legal knowledge thoroughly in the future.”

“Yes, but not now. I happen to have a gift or two for you, Blossom. Taya?” My filly’s horn lit up and a shimmering jewel appeared. “Hungry?”

Blossom’s eyes gleamed, but she didn’t reach for it. “I feel like you might have ulterior motives in giving me this.”

“I want to see a friend of mine smile. I don’t see—”

“She wants to rub your belly,” Taya said, butting in where she wasn’t needed. “She went into detail with Fleur earlier…” Some of the guards started giggling, but an adorable glare from Blossom cut them off with chokes.

“It’s not like you have to let me,” I said. “I figured you’d enjoy a blood gem regardless. It’s not every day you can feast directly on something’s soul.”

“That’s true,” Blossom said, hesitantly taking the glittering sapphire. “It’s just… Well, these are super illegal. It’s one thing if it’s the Crystal Empire, but most people really shouldn’t have these in Equestria.”

“Well, now it’s in the hands of the law, where it belongs,” I replied with a shrug. “So really, think of taking it as doing me a favor.”

“And I guess I’m supposed to just ignore the part where you mentioned using monsters from the Everfree to create things like this?”

“Don’t you enjoy the taste of blood gems, Blossom?” I asked with a smile.

“So this is a bribe.”

“This is a gift for a friend of mine,” I said. “I enjoy giving my friends gifts. I don’t see how that could be misconstrued as bribery. Besides, if you’ll recall, the mines in question are in changeling territory. So as long as the only blood gems that enter Equestria go directly to a friend of mine who also happens to be capable of disposing of them, is there really a problem?”

“You’re trying your hardest, aren’t you?” she asked, sticking the gem to one of her fangs. The blue in the sapphire slowly disappeared until she pulled it back. It was still a faint blue, but had lost much of its luster. “Unfortunately for you, I don’t even need the power boost to tell that you’re lying. You really do just want to rub my belly. The rest is merely a smokescreen.”

“And what makes you assume that?”

“You have a liar’s breath,” she replied with a shrug. “Your filly smells like one who speaks truth.” Oddly enough, Taya’s horn lit up. “Oh, what’s this?”

“It’s a lie detector,” Taya said. “I always turn it on when mommy starts spouting nonsense. That means you were bluffing. You can’t tell if she’s lying or not.”

“You have so little faith in me,” I said. “What kind of noble would I be if I didn’t consider finding a way to get the captain of the guard to look the other way for certain endeavors of mine?”

“Well, the real joke’s on you,” Blossom said with a smirk. “As a countess, you have a right to deal in all manner of contraband, blood gems included. As long as they’re only dealt to people with similar permissions, of course.”

“You could have just said that when I asked about the alcohol.”

“Alcohol isn’t included in that list. It’s banned for importing across the board, with no exceptions.”

“Wait, was that story about Ponyfornia true?” I asked.

“...The only thing that sounds familiar is the old legend about a great earthquake that ripped part of the continent asunder millenia ago,” Blossom said. “It caused so much damage to the nation that most records of the time were lost. Droughts, unearthly storms, ash and debris raining from the skies…”

“One of the sisters told me a story about when they first arrived in Ponyfornia. The natives gave her some alcohol. She went on a rampage and set off an earthquake that broke off a portion of the continent and made it fall into the ocean. If I had to guess, I’d say there was an incredibly huge tidal wave in China or Australia afterward.”

“So, their tomfoolery has caused damage throughout the ages. At least we are not alone in our suffering, Navarone.”

“Amen to that. We’re not even the only ones Luna made immortal, either. Celestia freed the other victims after Luna was imprisoned on the moon.”

“…Freed?”

“Destroyed would be a better word. They were all undead as well. And not the reasonable kind, like you.”

“Thank you for saving all ponykind from those sisters,” Blossom whispered.

“You’re welcome. So, I’m not sure if you’ve heard yet, but you’ll have one more contestant to guard in the pageant.”

“Glade of Thicket,” Blossom said. “I’m not sure how the two of you did it, but you and Fleur make a good team. Not many diplomats can make the deer come out of their cities.”

“I did lewd things to the king’s butt,” I said. “That’s how we managed. This was after he gave me drugs without asking, of course.”

“Right, of course,” Blossom said, seemingly unsurprised. “Why wouldn’t it be, right?”

“You seem a lot less shocked than some of the others.”

“Well… This is you we’re talking about, after all. If you managed to convince the king by talking, I might have been surprised. But just seducing him? Eh, par for the course. The drug thing is new, but it’s still within the margin of error. I also hear little Miss Taya went. How did you enjoy the deer city?”

“It was pretty and the prince was nice, but the deer are creepy and evil.”

“Wait, creepy and evil?” Blossom asked, tilting her head. “I get creepy, but why evil?”

“I’ll let you pick which seems the most evil,” I said. “Selling your prisoners as food to dragons, sacrificing unplanned and disabled babies for magic power, or brainwashing every single citizen with magic. All of these and more are normal among the deer. Which sounds the worst to you?”

“D: All of the above,” she replied, sounding quite disgusted. “Wow. Seriously, Nav?”

“Straight from the mouth of their king. He was quite upfront about all of it, in fact.”

“The smile on his face was downright eerie,” Taya said with a shudder.

“Thicket gets a two out of ten from me,” I said. “I have no plans of going back. I’d advise you to remove it from your vacation planner.”

“I never intended to visit, but noted.” Her eyes turned to the windows facing the wall. “I’ve heard of Stormview Manor, but I’ve never actually been out back. Would you mind if we got some air?”

“Of course not.” I finally pulled myself out of the chair and led the way to the door. The guards watched, but were smart enough to realize Blossom was too shy to have her belly rubbed with them around. Even my filly remained inside, surprisingly enough.

“I… don’t remember those trees being here the last time I visited,” Blossom said when the door was shut. “How are cherry blossoms blooming this early?”

“They’re magic. Would you like to go to the edge of the cliff? Or would you prefer the secluded gazebo?”

“For now, the edge of the cliff.” This time, she led the way. “So were you seriously trying to bribe me?”

“I was trying to give a gift to a friend. Is that so wrong?”

“Blood gems are incredibly valuable, Nav.”

“And I’m incredibly wealthy. So what? It’s not like I won’t be making a huge amount of money everywhere else. What’s a hundred or so bits?”

“All so you can rub my tummy…”

“My goals weren’t entirely selfish. Only partially. You feel much better now, don’t you?”

“Yes. And the view from up here is better than I ever thought it could be. I can see the fine details in all the buildings in Ponyville… Incredible!”

“That’s pretty overpowered. How about this?” I started scritching one of her ears, making her gasp.

“Nav, your hands… They’re just ch-cheating!” Says the one with microscopic vision across several kilometers at night.

“Would you rather I not use them, then?” I sweetly asked, continuing to play with her soft and fuzzy ear.

“Ngh… If you insist…”

“I’m not insisting, though,” I said, pulling my hand back. It made her softly gasp, whereupon her eyes darted away. “Hm, is something the matter, Blossom?” There’s no way I could stop the smile that came to my face. The ear I had been playing with was twitching and she couldn’t meet my gaze. Simply put, it was super adorable.

“T-the view here is just… a little much,” she whispered. Her eyes were fixed on the windows leading in, for some reason. “How is the… the secluded gazebo?”

“It’s pretty private. You can barely see it from here,” I said, pointing off to the small copse of trees. Their leaves were already growing back, so the gazebo wasn’t completely hidden, but it would be impossible to see much. “It’s perfectly safe!”

“W-well… Let’s retire there. That will let me… my eyes, that is, rest!”

I couldn’t help myself from patting her on the head with a giggle. “Then let’s go, shall we?” The small smile on her face was hard to see, but worth it. “So, are you starting to think blood gems may be acceptable gifts?”

“I never complained about the quality,” she said. “It’s just… more valuable than I think you realize. And not just in terms of money. Being able to feel again, being able to live once more in the sun, feeling alive again… Returning once more to dead flesh is so difficult…”

“Then enjoy it while you can and look forward to it when you can’t. What do you think of the house, anyway?”

“I never would have expected you to buy such a famous and ostentatious manor. I think it’s wonderful, but I figured you would want something more… subdued.”

“Where in Canterlot can I find a manor like that?” I asked. “This one actually is on the tamer side, isn’t it?”

“Well, I never took you for living in a manor in the first place.”

“Being a noble comes with its own responsibilities. One of those is looking wealthy. Having an expensive and famous residence in the capital helps. It helps that I actually am wealthy, so buying it wasn’t an issue.”

“The house is beautiful, but I wouldn’t want to own it myself.”

“You don’t take care of the place you do have. A manor would be impossible. Well, unless you were a noble with land that brought in some cash so you could afford a staff. I’m sure we can annoy Celestia enough to make that happen.”

“Pass. I won’t go cheaply, unlike some people.”

I let that comment slide, since we arrived at the gazebo. “What do you think? Private enough?”

“I’ll hear anyone before they get close enough to see us, so yes. Nav…” She bit her lip and looked down.

“Say what’s on your mind,” I whispered, swooping in to play with the other ear. She whimpered ever-so-gently.

“N-Nav… Please be g-gentle…”

“Let’s take a seat, Blossom. You’ll fit fine across my lap, I promise.”

“Do you… promise not to t-tease me about it later?”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, so there’s no way I could tease you for it.” I sat on the bench and patted my lap. “Join me.”

She slowly walked over and plopped across my lap, leaving her back facing me. That’s not quite what I was looking for, but I’d roll her over for tummy access eventually. “We… We should check what all I can feel, right? While we still can, I mean…”

“So you want me to touch you all over, Blossom?” I sweetly asked.

“...P-please pet me, Navi.”

“As you wish!” Now that I was given consent, her soft and adorable body was mine to toy with. One of my hands went to her ears while the other started fiddling with one of her leathery wings. She was whimpering and gasping in no time. “How does it feel, Blossom?”

“N-nav… Please d-don’t…”

“Hm, you want me to stop?” I asked, moving the hand on her ears to her chin. I scratched at it, making her bite her lip.

“N-no! But… d-do you… have to t-tease me s-so much?”

“You’re so cute that I can’t help it, silly,” I said, stopping what I was doing so I could pull her up for a hug. “Ah, so nice and cool… Perfect for a humid spring night. There’s nothing to worry about, Blossom. Just let me toy with you and you’ll have fun, I promise!”

“T-toy with me?!”

“So relax and enjoy!” I finished by nibbling one of her ears while holding her in place so she couldn’t escape without actual effort. Since she didn’t put any in, I figured she would let me play with her.

I was quickly disabused of that notion. She suddenly shifted and I felt something prick me. Now that I thought about it, nibbling on her ear meant her mouth was right next to my neck. Blossom’s body shuddered as she sucked my blood and I felt something strange come over me. It was different than the shrooms from earlier, but felt much more pleasant. After a few seconds, she pulled away from my neck and gently lapped at it, making me twitch in a mix of pain and pleasure.

Finally, I felt… something coming from her. It was almost like I could feel her will. At the moment, it was telling me to do as I pleased. When I eased her back into my lap, she no longer put up any kind of struggle as I made her squirm and moan. With the connection, I knew just what to do for the best effect.

“You’re so much better than that old deer bastard,” I said as I stroked her in all the right ways. “He was not cute at all, but you… Ah, my lovely vampire queen, you’re ideal. I could devote all night to toying with you and not regret a thing!”

“T-tree sisters… You’re quite delicious, hm? And your hands… They’re p-perfect… I’m not s-sure what I did, but I know it’s only temporary. Some k-kind of mild enthrallment. But you b-brought this on yourself, Navi! You wanted to pet me all over, so I gotta make sure you do it right!”

“You’re cute enough to forgive,” I said, rubbing her flank. “But isn’t it about time we see how sensitive you really are? I want to hear my mistress moan in earnest!”

She was silent for several long seconds, looking off into the garden. Finally, a small grin crossed her face. “I permit you to do as you would.”

As much as I wanted to jump straight to the lewd stuff, there was a more pressing concern. I unceremoniously flipped her over and conquered her belly for a second time. It was just as cool and fluffy as I remembered. And of course, it made her truly begin moaning. It wasn’t loud enough that it would escape the gardens, but I wasn’t so sure she’d be able to detect anyone coming now.

That was her concern, though. Mine was pleasing my temporary vampiric owner. Thankfully, it coincided nicely with my own personal desire to toy with her.

Slow, my hand drifted lower and lower. Blossom’s loud moans proved once and for all how sensitive the blood gem made her. They just got louder and cuter the lower and deeper I went. But just to be completely sure, I was extremely thorough in my studies. That included testing how well she could feel tongues, for example.

It turns out that she’s quite sensitive to those as well. It was well worth experimenting.

Once my curiosity (and my mistress) was satisfied, I flipped her back over and spent some time just petting my favorite vampire. “So, what do you think?” I finally asked.

“Blood gems are better than I thought,” she whispered. “M-maybe… Maybe I could have some kind of… r-relationship…”

“Fleur and I would be happy to doll you up if you ever went on a date,” I said, once more claiming one of her ears. “You’re too soft, fuzzy, and adorable to give up now. You probably couldn’t have kids, but as long as you warned them, it should be fine.”

“Hm… Ah, your hands truly are cheating… I could fall asleep like this easily…”

“I have a much better idea, though. How about a nice warm bath? I wonder how it would feel while under the effect of the gem.”

“A wise suggestion, my minion. Very well, then. I’ll allow you to lead me to a bath!”

“The enthrallment wore off, actually. But it let me know how to push all the right buttons, so I’d say it was worth it.”

“Would you like me to nibble on you again, Navi?”

“Maybe in the bath. You didn’t take much earlier, after all. You can turn into mist, right? Can you go through doors?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Good, we can avoid the nut gallery and go straight to my room. Hop up, my dear vampire queen.”

“As you wish, my fairy princess.” She slid down off my lap and stretched before hopping down from the gazebo. Since she wanted to be annoying about it, I used my wings to float through the garden, leaving sparkles of light in my wake. She giggled and followed on the ground. Well, until we got to the staircase and she realized we were going straight up. Then she hopped into the air and landed next to me on the platform outside my room.

“Go through and unlock it for me, if you would,” I said. Before she had the chance, it opened from the other side, pushed by Darya. “Uh, hi.”

“Greetings, my lady,” she replied with a short bow. “Your bath is being readied now. Please note that Luna is sleeping on the bed, so try not to wake her.”

“Why is she sleeping on my bed?”

“You told her to go to bed. Since she knew you wouldn’t be using yours, she decided to borrow it. That way, she could fall asleep surrounded by your scent.”

“Nav, your vassals sure are… something.”

“Yes, they certainly are,” I said. “Darya, could you help keep Luna asleep? I want her full of energy tomorrow.”

“It will be done, my lady,” Darya replied. “Please, come in. I shall help undress you.” I had a feeling Blossom’s opinion of me was probably worsening, but that was fine. Darya helped me strip down and then I eased into the bath. It wasn’t full yet, but it was good enough.

Blossom just stared at the rising water for a little while, not moving an inch. “Do you… really think it’ll work?”

“Blossom, yo momma ain’t raise no bitch. Stop wondering and find out.”

“Right, of course.” Resolve burned in her eyes as she slid straight into the water. She gasped in surprise as the warm water enveloped her. “T-this… It feels so warm! My frozen heart is finally t-thawing…”

Wow, emo as shit. “I’m glad to hear that, I think.” Hopefully it won’t rot. “Come over here.” I pulled her next to one of the jets and plopped her down next to me. Once she was settled, I activated it.

She squeaked before relaxing and sighing in delight. “I-it… It seems there’s still much to discover about blood gems…”

“The jet feels good against your back. It feels really good against… something lower.”

“Nav, how naughty. My body, unlike yours, isn’t used to that much stimulation. So I think I’ll settle for just the bath for the moment, thank you.”

“You shouldn’t call me a whore, Blossom. That hurts my feelings.”

“Fleur told me about your ongoing royalty count, Nav. That’s about as slutty as it comes. And after what you did to the king, to then turn around and do something similar to me less than a day later…”

“What I did to the king was perverse and horrific, as befitting a gross old man. What I did with you was pure and sacred, perfect for my lovely vampire queen. You can’t even compare the two.” At least that made her start laughing. “Although if you do count as the queen of vampires, you’re on my list, too. That would elevate you to the ranks of slutty royalty, alongside all the others like Celestia and Moonbeam.”

“I’m a commoner through and through, I’m afraid. Your tally won’t go anywhere with me.”

“Hmph. Whatever.” I tugged on her again, this time sitting her down in front of me. “Let’s wash you up.” She started to protest, but shut her trap as soon as she felt my hands in her silky mane. Lathering it up was a breeze and since she didn’t have to breathe anyway, there was no reason for me to warn her before dunking her under. Of course, I did it anyway because I’m considerate. And because Flo warned me, but that’s less important.

Once Blossom’s mane was clean, I gave her tail a little special attention. Nothing much, but it would probably be curlier than usual when it dried. Finally, I rubbed her down, head to hoof, with normal fur shampoo. Washing her was much more fun than washing Fluttershy or my filly, that’s for sure.

When her body had been fully cleansed, I leaned back against a jet with a sigh. It felt good to relax in the perfectly warm water. I didn’t have very long to enjoy it before I was tugged further into the water. Soon enough, I found myself with my back to Blossom. “W-what…?”

That cheeky animal had the nerve to treat me like a pet. Her hooves dexterously rubbed the shampoo into my hair. I’m not sure how it worked, since they were hooves, but they were lathered up and everything. Getting angry about it would be petty of me as a superior human, so I let the mare think she was in charge for now.

It felt… surprisingly nice, after all.

“It’s hardly fair if I’m the only one getting any nice treatment,” Blossom muttered before dunking me. Since I was generous, I allowed her to wash the rest of me, too. Since she had no need to breathe, she was able to spend plenty of time focusing on a certain area, though I’m not sure why she had to use her tongue to clean it. Her efforts were greatly rewarded, though.

Friends certainly do have their benefits, it seems.

When both of us were clean, we were finally free to just… relax. Even after all that time, the water still felt nice. It was kind of strange having Darya suck out all the soap and suds, but she left when things got fun so it wasn’t a problem.

“...I don’t want to go back to immortality,” Blossom whispered after a few slow minutes of silence.

“It sucks, but real life always beckons. We haven’t started production of blood gems yet, but I’ll make sure you get a steady supply when we do. You’ll be numb again for a while, but you’ll get to wake up soon.”

“Real life beckons, huh… We can’t really stay in this tub forever, can we?”

“No, but we can stay here as long as we like. We can spend the time thinking of other ways to spoil you. Er, I mean, other ways to test the blood gem. Oh, maybe you can taste food now!”

“Your blood did taste better than usual. It’ll be interesting to try eating actual food.”

“The cooks are all asleep, but we have plenty of ice cream. It’ll be perfect after the warm bath.”

“It sounds wonderful. As much as I’d like, I can’t spend all night here. Waiting for something to be prepared might push it.”

“Then I have wonderful news for you.” I pulled myself out of the bath and water started dripping everywhere. “Darya?” A water elemental shot forward and dried me off in an instant. When it pulled away from me, I realized it was actually Flo. “Or not. Greetings, Flo.”

“Hello, Navi,” she replied with a smile. “And it’s good to see you too, Blossom. Would you like me to dry you as well?”

“Even the hair, huh?” Blossom said, staring at me in surprise. “Alright, I’ll give it a try.” She lithely pulled herself out and deftly landed on the floor. Water immediately started dripping everywhere, but Flo wasted no time in swallowing it all up. “Thank you for drinking my used bathwater.”

Flo’s smile took a hit, but she didn’t comment.

“Ice cream probably isn’t the best midnight snack, but we’ll survive,” I said as I shamelessly strutted back to my own room. “Flo, would you happen to know where the fluffy robes are?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied, slithering toward one of the cabinets. She pulled out a bright pink fluffy robe for me and held it up with a smile.

“I’d prefer a different color.”

“I don’t know where the others are. Let me help you put it on!”

“Darya, do you… Wait, where is she?”

“I asked her to step out so I could have my turn,” Flo replied. With that, she slid the robe on me and cinched it tight. “There you are, Navi! Nice and cute!”

“She’s right,” Blossom added. “Fleur said it would suit you perfectly when she ordered it. She’s been vindicated.”

“Well, good for her.” I wasn’t quite so enthusiastic about it, but I’m glad Fleur didn’t waste money. It was quite comfy, at least. Since I was technically clothed, I walked over to the door and let myself out. Thankfully, Luna hadn’t twitched a muscle since we showed up and started getting rowdy.

“Do we really have to walk down all those steps?” Blossom asked, looking over the edge with great reluctance.

“Doppel’s not awake, so there’s no one to get mad at me. That means we can just fly down.”

I put my foot on the railing and started to jump, but a floating, see-through pony maid appeared right in front of me. “You mustn’t!” the ghost maid shouted, waving her hooves. “Doppel says ladies must always act with decorum, Countess! Please walk down the stairs properly!”

Holy shit, I forgot this place was haunted! “But that’s… like, a lotta steps, you know?” I said.

“You mustn’t, my lady! Not unless you want to end up like her!” With that, she pointed behind me. I expected to just see a terrified Blossom, but I also saw another ghost behind her. It seemed to be the old owner of the mansion, the crazy chick who was all evil and whatnot. The very corpulent ghost was wearing what probably used to be a fine dress. It was raggedy and worn down at the moment, which suited the ghostly bitch better. The pig-like pony was glaring at me.

“Walking it is,” I replied, quickly abandoning my room. Blossom lagged behind for a moment to stare at the abomination just chilling in there, but I tugged on one of her ears to get her moving. After all, she could ogle Luna whenever she wanted. There was no time when we had to run from ghosts.

“Nav, what the buck is this?!” Blossom hissed as we rapidly descended the stairs.

“We talked about this already, right?”

“What?!”

“I swear we did. You know, about how the place is super haunted and all? I’m pretty sure you were there, weren’t you?”

“No!” She blinked a few times. “Er, I think? Probably not! You should have warned me again!”

“You really should lower your volume. It isn’t anything to freak out over and people are trying to sleep.”

“Oh, sorr—Don’t change the subject!” She was quieter, at least.

“There are all kinds of fun spirits here, apparently. One is the super cute ghost maid we just met. Another is the far less cute oinkster lady we also just saw. I haven’t had much time to just chill here, especially at night, so I hadn’t seen many of them. I’ll probably meet more now that I’ll be staying up at night.”

“I’d move.”

“It wasn’t an option at the time. And before it became an option, we decided to get rid of them. Unfortunately, doing it the right way takes a while.”

“The right way is… walking down the stairs?” Blossom asked.

“It’s helping them right their wrongs or something. Part of the maid’s problem is that she didn’t think she was good enough as a maid, so getting to help me helps her. Man, noble problems, huh? Am I right or what?”

“I think this is unique to you, Nav.”

“You may be right, but I wasn’t emotionally ready to hear it…”

“So much for sleepovers, huh?”

“Yeah, but it would make a rad haunted house. Now that I have Luna, maybe we can set up another one this year…”

“She gushed about that for weeks after it happened,” Blossom said with a small smile. “Back when we still had hope for her…”

“Alas. Ice cream will help you calm down from the ghosts. It fixes many of life’s problems.”

“Here’s hoping. I actually thought my heart would start beating there for a moment!”

My filly was waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. She seemed somewhat peeved, though I’m sure it wasn’t my fault. “How did you get upstairs, mommy?” she asked.

“The outside balcony door. Darya opened it for us.”

“Oh? And did you rub Blossom’s tummy up there?”

“We took a bath to see if the blood gem would allow her to feel the warmth. It did, which was pretty neat.”

“You coulda invited me…”

“Well, I’m inviting you to eat ice cream now. Shall we?”

“That’s sufficient, yes,” she replied with a nod. The upset look seemed to be completely gone, so I figured the filly had been appeased.

“She’s much easier to bribe than I am,” Blossom said. “You know, hypothetically. Assuming someone ever attempts such a heinous thing.”

“You’re the captain of the guard. Taya’s just a filly. It would be a problem if bribing you was easier.”

“Just a filly?” Taya asked.

“Fine, just an eternafilly. There, better?”

“You gotta get it right, mommy. Now, let’s go plunder the freezer!”

Taya led the charge to the kitchen, but took a detour down into the spooky cellar. “That’s the wrong way,” I said. “Freezer’s over there.”

“The secret freezer is down here. Luna and I made it to hide the good stuff from those who can’t use magic, like Spike and Kat.”

“And us, of course,” Blossom said.

“I’m sharing it with you now, so not you two.” Thankfully, Taya’s magic lit the entire cellar up with no problem. The last time I had been down there, it was completely barren. Now, it was full of food supplies and less commonly used appliances, like popcorn makers and juicers.

Taya led us toward the back wall. I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary until her horn lit up brighter and some runes on the wall lit up. The room started rumbling before the ground in front of us clicked. A chunk of the tiles started rising up until a cool mist shot out and covered our lower extremities. Since I never put on shoes, it made me shiver and clutch the robe tighter.

Once the freezer was high enough up, I realized it was full of shelves, each of which were labeled with different ice cream flavors. “Here’s one of our stashes,” Taya said, floating over a frozen cone and filling it with rocky road.

“Load me up with some of the best flavor, if you would,” I said, pulling a cone out for myself. Taya did just that, floating some scoops into the cone for me while licking at her own. Blossom seemed overwhelmed at her choices. I suppose after so long of going without, suddenly having such a smorgasbord before you would make it hard to know where to start. “Blossom, I have a hint for you. As an undead, your brain is already cold. That means brain freeze is impossible. Start at the beginning and work your way through.”

“A journey of a thousand licks starts with the first tongue, r-right?” Blossom asked, turning her predatory eyes to the number one pick of all time: Vanilla.

“Sounds right, yeah,” Taya said. My filly was kind enough to load Blossom a cone, too. Soon, we were all lapping it up with smiles on our faces. Given that Blossom was smiling, sniffling slightly, and not saying anything, I figured she could probably taste it. And since she didn’t stop until it was all gone, I was right about her not getting brain freeze.

“So, how does it feel inside of you?” I asked.

“It… Well, it doesn’t taste as it should… But it’s not ashes, either. It’s like… I can taste the vanilla, but the sweetness is muted!”

“Oh, that’s normal,” Taya said. “That’s vanilla bean ice cream, not vanilla ice cream. We’re connoisseurs here, not barbarians. Try this one instead.” Taya loaded another cone with mint chocolate chip. “It has more flavors. See if you can tell them apart.”

“It’s amazing to me that Equestria has so many ice cream choices, yet you can’t get a cup of coffee anywhere. I never thought I’d see a world where the Brits won. And thank you for the ice cream, Taya. I enjoy how it feels in my mouth.”

“Would you like another cone or three?” Taya asked. “We’re seriously stocked for at least a year, so we can spare it.”

“No, too much sugar is bad for humans. I don’t want to get diabetes and lose a leg. It might grow back, but having it rot off would be traumatizing.”

“Eating too much sugar rots off your legs?” Taya asked, tilting her head.

“Too much of it in the long-term can, yeah. For humans, at least. If Pinkie still has all four of her limbs, I’d say ponies are fine. But I prefer my limbs attached to my body, so I’ll limit myself.”

“The sweetness is still muted, but… but I can still taste again, both the mint and the coco!” Blossom said with a huge smile. Her lips were green because of the ice cream, so she looked even cuter than usual.

I couldn’t stop myself from booping her, of course. “I’m glad.” I thought we might have proved it earlier in the bath, but this probably tastes better. Though her vampiric tongue… Unf. “Would you like me to dribble some blood on the cone for you?”

“...W-would you?” Blossom asked, her bottom lip quivering slightly.

It was actually a joke, but whatever. “Taya, slice me up a little,” I said, holding a hand over Blossom’s mint chocolate chip. Taya’s horn lit up and my blood started dripping onto the ice cream like hot fudge. Blossom’s eyes glittered as she beheld it. When enough of my essence was spent, I pulled the hand back and let Taya heal it.

Blossom wasted no more time and used her sexy tongue to its fullest. As soon as she tasted me, she squeed and then lapped the cone up in record time.

“Is that cute or creepy?” Taya asked as we watched.

“This is Blossom, so it’s cute. Or at least, that’s what I want to say, but… How unladylike.”

“Mommy, you of all people don’t get to say that. Even if blood and ice cream are dripping down her chin…”

“It was so delicious that I couldn’t help myself,” Blossom said, her eyes unfocused. Suddenly, her rope-like tongue shot back out and cleaned up her face. Taya lifted an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. “Nav, how do you taste so good? I really just don’t understand…”

“Because I’m a tree sister. Just think of me as your dessert, should you ever need one.”

“I know some ponies who eat dessert every day,” Blossom whispered, her eyes moving to my filly.

“Most ponies don’t eat blood for dessert,” I said. “So you’ll have to settle for sometimes. Even with elementals in me, I can only produce so much of it. Did it fill the great gaping void inside of you?”

“For now, yes. I’ll want more of you later, though. The ice cream was also good, of course, but with blood…” She couldn’t help but smile and lick her fangs.

“This is seeming less and less cute,” Taya whispered.

“Don’t be jealous, Taya,” I said, patting her on the head. “I think you’re cute, too.”

“As much as I’d like to stay the rest of the night, I still need to get to work at some point,” Blossom said. “I’ll need to head out soon, Nav.”

“Then let’s not stick around the cellar anymore. Taya, can you lower the freezer?”

“Right, can’t forget the security.” Her horn lit up and the freezer began sliding back into the floor, taking the cool air with it.

“Why aren’t there any ghosts down here, anyway?” Blossom asked. “This seems like the perfect place for them to hang out, doesn’t it?”

“Most pony ghosts aren’t actually that scary, apparently,” Taya said. “I mean, for us, that is. Normal ponies might freak out, but most spirits are like the maid you saw earlier. They mean us no harm, they’re just trying to do their best. That means they don’t necessarily congregate in spooky places like cellars.”

“I have a second point,” I said. “Why would you ever ask that question before we got out of the cellar? That’s just raising a flag that doesn’t need to be raised, Blossom. As the commander of the military, you should strive to do better.”

“Raising a… what are you even talking about, Nav?” Blossom asked.

“The point is, let’s go before a ghost does show up.” I exercised my noble rights by leading the retreat up the staircase.

“I consulted Ava,” Taya said as we fled. “Raising a flag in this situation refers to a cliche where someone says something to set up the arrival of an enemy. In this case, you calling out the lack of a ghost would cause a ghost to appear. Ava is so useful when mommy fails us!”

“I don’t know who Ava is, but I think I understand now,” Blossom said. “But it’s not like I’m worried about ghosts showing up. It wouldn’t even be a bad thing.”

“I wouldn’t want you to risk your heart again. What would we do if it started beating on us?”

“Wouldn’t that be cause for celebration?” Taya asked.

“Yeah, but how are we gonna tell the rest of the world that the cure for vampirism is ice cream? I couldn’t handle that kind of responsibility.” My filly didn’t seem convinced. “We’d also have to tell them all about your ice cream stash.”

That did the trick. “You’d have to take responsibility, mommy. You’re the one who suggested we eat some.”

“Realistically speaking, wouldn’t it be Luna’s fault for having a stash in the first place?”

“Aren’t you just saying that because she isn’t here to defend herself?”

“You really think poorly of me, Taya.”

“I’d take responsibility,” Blossom quietly said. “And I promise not to tell anyone about the secret freezer.”

“Why would we make you, when we can just push it off on Luna instead?” I asked. “Don’t worry, Blossom. You’re too cute for anyone to ever believe you’re guilty. But Luna’s cute enough to get away with her crimes even though she is guilty, so we’ll use her as our scapegoat.”

“Oh, I see you’re just being silly. Never mind, then.”

“It took you that long to figure out?” I asked. “Maybe you need more practice identifying it…”

“That’s because you never have a liar’s scent,” Blossom said with a sigh. “I wasn’t entirely lying before. I can’t guarantee when someone is lying, but I have ways of feeling it. And yet somehow, it rarely works on you, even when I’m pretty sure you’re spouting nonsense. It’s truly a mystery.”

“It’s probably simple,” I said. “Most people have tells when they lie. That is, they do certain things with their body, like look a certain way and have a certain pitch of voice. In your case, you might also be able to hear their heartbeat increase. All of this is because to most people, lying is unnatural.”

“As opposed to you, for whom lying is as natural as breathing,” Blossom said. At this point, we had finally gotten to the house’s anteroom. Since she was going on the offensive, I had a feeling she was getting ready to go.

“That’s not how I was going to put it, but basically,” I replied, nodding. “I did my best to remove as many tells as possible. Even if I speak nonsense, it seems to everyone around me that I’m completely serious. It became mostly pointless when I got to Equestria and none of the normal ponies can ever tell if anyone is lying.”

“Except now you’re trusted so little that even your own filly uses a lie detector on you,” Blossom said with a smile.

“Mistrust is vital for any relationship. Don’t overthink things, trust me.”

“How can I trust someone who says that mistrust is vital for all relationships? It feels like you’re speaking nonsense again, but… I can’t tell!”

“Now you’re the one acting silly,” I said, booping her. “Do you have time for that? I thought you had to get back to fighting crime as batmare.”

“Sadly, you’re right,” Blossom said, looking down in disappointment. “Real life may beckon, but I don’t really want to answer.”

“You should take a vacation soon, then. I’m sure there are cities other than Canterlot that have a night life. You could find one and have some fun.”

“I… should do that, yes. There are enough commanders to keep things going without me for a week or two. Deciding where to go is paramount, though. I’ll have to think about it. Anyway, thank you for having me tonight, Navi.”

“Happy as always, Blossom,” I said, swooping in for one last hug. Her soft and cool body felt so soothing to hug, like a plushy or something. She really was the best toy I could hope for.

“I’ll see you again at the pageant, if not sooner,” she said. “Stay well, Navi. And see you soon as well, Taya.” Without waiting for another reply, she vanished from my arms. Her mist quickly seeped out the front door. With that, she was away.

“Her exits can be just as dramatic as yours, mommy.”

“It’s good that I’m a positive influence on her.” I got a very dubious look for that, but I stand by it.

The rest of the night with my filly went quite swimmingly.