Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Ten

Once I got outside their room, I stepped out of view and waited. Doppel joined me moments later, followed quickly by a blob of water. When Darya was secure inside of me, Doppel pulled the door shut and let out a small sigh. “Well, you tried, my lady. I guess we’ll just have to deal with them.”

“Guess so.” I had been expecting Eva to follow me, but apparently she wanted to help with Skyla. Hopefully I will be able to pet that adorable little filly soon.

“It might take a while,” Darya replied. “That snake was really scary.”

Well, here’s hoping. “I finished my book, so I think I’ll go grab the laptop,” I said. “I’ll be back downstairs soon.”

“I’ll be waiting for you in the sun room, my lady.” She used her skills as a superior commoner to fly down to the first floor. I resisted the urge to sigh and plodded my worthless noble legs up the stairs.

Much to my disappointment, there were no assassins waiting for me in my room. All that greeted me was silence. Since I was all the way up there anyway, I decided to change into something less uncomfortable. With that done, I grabbed the laptop and returned to the ground floor.

“If Skyla comes downstairs, make sure to protect that laptop properly,” Darya said. “It would be a tragedy if she breaks it against your skull.”

Agreed.

As soon as I reached the ground floor, Doppel was there to look me up and down with a disappointed expression on her face. “My lady, I know you’re… not exactly the most ideal lady, but… perhaps you shouldn’t pick your own outfits. I’d be happy to help you find something comfortable to wear around the house…”

“I walked all the way up those stairs just to grab something and walk all the way back down. If you want me to go back up there just to change, I’m going to fly.”

“...I’ll be back in just a moment, my lady. There’s a place we can get you changed with no issue.”

“You’re so… impressively diligent, Doppel.”

“I live to serve, my lady,” she replied with a bow. With that, she took off back to my room. A small part of me had a feeling that she would start keeping clothing downstairs in case I did something similar in the future.

“Does being a noble really mean living such a managed lifestyle?” I asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

“Of course, my lady,” one of the new maids replied. It made me jump, since I hadn’t even heard her coming. “And the cookies are done.” And yet, I hadn’t smelled her coming, either. Given how afraid the two sisters were of the ‘fun police’, I guess it wasn’t surprising that she’d be so stealthy.

“So this is normal?” I asked.

“Oh no, you’re quite the abnormal lady,” she said with no hint of fear or shame. “Most would have between one and three maids just to focus on them. Their duties would include waking them up, dressing them, fetching things, putting on makeup, being lent to higher ranked stallions for favors, caring for them when ill, and all kinds of other things besides. The fact that you don’t have a single personal maid at all is just astounding.”

“In truth, we struck gold when we found you and your sister,” I said. “Not many ponies are willing to work for a nonpony. If I end up with any more servants, it’s a chance they also won’t be ponies.”

“Well, all kinds of interesting and strange things live here, but I’ve never once felt threatened. I’m sure if you decide they’re safe, it’ll be fine.”

“Here’s hoping. If you wouldn’t mind, could you take the cookies upstairs? Well, after letting me snag a few.”

“Royalty’s never eaten my cooking before,” the mare said with a small smile. “I knew working for you would be an experience.”

“Yeah, job satisfaction seems pretty high,” I replied, nodding. “Hopefully it’ll continue like that. Loyalty is always worth the cost of being a good employer.” It’s not like I’ll ever need enough money to resort to sweatshops, so there’s no reason I can’t take care of my workers.

“Yes, it’s definitely clear that you haven’t been a noble for long,” the maid replied with a nod. Says the mare whose name I don’t even remember. God, I really do have a problem, don’t I? “I’ll have the cookies brought out right away, my lady.”

“If there are raisins in them, my heart might be broken.”

“They’re for a filly, my lady. I’m not cruel.” She took back off to the kitchen and returned to the anteroom right as Doppel was floating down from the sky. “I would be happy to deliver them myself, but… Don’t you think the filly in question would be happier to receive them from you, my lady?”

“Oh no, not an option,” I said as I claimed the first cookie as my own. “She’s terrified of me for reasons that only just now became clear. The cookies are to help calm her down from the immense emotional trauma she just experienced. Since they taste wonderful, it should work. I’m sure having them delivered by a normal pony will help.”

“Then I’ll do my duty with a smile,” she said, showing off the one she had in mind. I wish I could have taken her up on it, since I was now abandoned to my fate of being Doppel’s dress-up doll. I’m not sure why a skirt was absolutely necessary, but I just sighed and let her do as she pleased.

When my trauma was over, I returned to the anteroom and finally opened the laptop. The goal was to build up a list of what we would need for various industries in the town we were developing so I could cross-reference it with the list of what the elementals were obtaining with the airships. We could use the same spreadsheet to keep track of costs to help Silver Quill out.

Thankfully, the two elementals inside me were connected to the greater water elemental network, so it was easy to generate both lists, including the costs for everything they bought so far. What I found when I looked everything over was something the elementals had apparently overlooked. A part of me was shocked by that, but then I realized none of them had ever really lived with capitalism before.

“Are these numbers accurate?” I asked.

“They are, of course,” Flo replied. “The only way we would misremember is on purpose.”

“The price variance is too much. I’m not angry at the cost, but… Just looking at the raw data right here, I could probably make tens of thousands of easy bits just by moving nails! Simple building nails! How could this possibly be right? A sack of twelve nails in Trottingham costs three bits. A sack of twelve nails in Mareami is eight bits. Glasswork in Tallahorsee is cheap as can be, but the same set of beakers cost us more than triple in Marewaukee! Were you actually looking for deals or were you just picking random markets?”

“In each case, we went to the largest general market to search for what we could find. If we couldn’t find certain things there, we asked around for workshops or specialized shops. I certainly wouldn’t consider this overwhelming market research, though. Pony towns rarely expand that much. What kind of demand is there for nails? And the beakers we bought were for specialized chemistry experiments.”

“I’ll admit this isn’t perfect, but the discrepancy here is just… Man, what the hell is going on with the pony economy? A shortage of iron in certain areas? Or maybe a shortage of talent?”

“I would say talent,” Darya replied. “Ponies depend on cutie marks to point out their life career. If a city is unlucky, it’s possible for very few blacksmiths to be born. There’s also the fact that blacksmithing is usually something stallions do and most of the cities in Equestria are heavily skewed to one gender or another. In mare-heavy towns like Ponyville, blacksmithing work is at a premium.”

After taking a few seconds to think, I realized she was probably right. “I’m also not thinking on the right scale, am I?” I asked. “I’m still thinking about how things worked in the past, with a global market and massive corporate markets that had mostly standard prices. In a time when things aren’t mass produced, of course specialized production skills would be worth their weight in gold. So, the obvious first step is to destroy all of them by setting up factories for mass production and mass profit, right? Glass might take time, but we can probably produce nails and tools like no one’s business.”

“What are you muttering about, my lady?” Doppel asked. “It sounds like something quite… interesting.”

“The village I’m making is an excellent opportunity to help bring the world into the future,” I said. “So I’m trying to decide how exactly to focus my efforts. There’s only so much I can do at a time, after all. Setting up the transport company will be the obvious step one. Step two will be production of things we can transport with said company. Some of that will definitely be food items, but that won’t help the world move forward. Building materials, tools, and books will. But before I can start mass-producing things, I need to decide what’s needed most and where. The elementals helped me with that by putting together a list.”

“The changelings never really paid much attention to economies,” Doppel said. “Even as a spy, I don’t really know much. Your new obsession with wealth… It just makes you seem greedy to me, my lady.”

“Don’t think of it as hoarding wealth. Think of it as hoarding power. If you gave the griffin government twenty thousand bits, do you think you could have ransomed back some of your compatriots?”

“I… don’t know how much twenty thousand bits is worth, if I’m honest,” she awkwardly replied.

“It’s a nebulous sum, don’t worry about it. The point is, I can exchange that money for goods, services, friendship, loyalty, and so much more. With the money I hoard, I will build us a much more secure, stable, and happy lifestyle. And I don’t mean just us, I mean as many people as possible. If you, as a spy, had paid attention to the economy, you could have done untold damage to cities, regions, or entire countries. If you hear that the price of food is going up, what do you think?”

“That the commoners will be whining too much about that to talk about anything useful,” Doppel replied.

“It means there might be food shortages. If you wanted to cripple a city that was complaining about food prices, burn a few granaries. Their shortages will turn into outages. People will panic and possibly starve.”

“...The changelings in the hive are taught that the surface races do not have food shortages.”

“They were taught wrong. The economy of a nation tends to reflect the nation itself. As expected, that means the economy in Equestria is all over the fucking place. Soap in one city is worth four times as much in another. Heavy iron cookware costs a fortune in New Horseleans but is worth basically nothing here in Canterlot. That means the supply of goods isn’t stable in the slightest. Fuck with the train lines and you could stop entire regions from receiving goods. Cutting off the flow of luxuries is a good way to get people angry and discontent. If it goes on long enough, they could riot. It would also enable you to make some money by moving goods yourself as operation fees. After all, a taste of luxury here and there can be enough to keep people perpetually angry that they’re being denied it the rest of the time.”

“My lady… Please never become a spy.”

“Wherever the economy is fucked is a good chance for profit, but everything is fucked up. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Yes, you do,” Flo said. “Start with a power plant.”

“Fantastic idea,” I said, turning back to look at the spreadsheet. “I had a feeling that’s what those parts were for. A power plant, huh? Couldn’t be coal or oil. There’s no way the ponies could make the tech for nuclear or solar. What power source did you have in mind?”

“Nanite. There’s a theoretical blueprint for one on the laptop. We were able to finalize the measurements ourselves. It will take some experimentation, but we’ve already worked out the math.”

“I would like something repeatable… I guess it’s time for the question. Can you produce more nanites? And can you produce more elementals?”

“Nanites without intelligence, yes,” Flo replied.

“Elementals, no,” Darya added.

“At least, not yet,” Flo said. “If we find the earth elemental, it might be possible for more elementals to be made. However, I know my sisters and I have agreed that we should be the last of our kind. We possess too much power over life to have only simulated consciences. Especially since our default programming is to meddle.”

“We’re going to talk more about that choice later, but knowing it can be done means this is actually repeatable. Well then… Step one, build a transport company. Step two, build a power plant. Step three… the world, I guess.”

“Your mutters are sounding strange again, my lady,” Doppel said.

“If I say something weird or ominous, it’s probably a meme and something you can ignore,” I said. “You should know I’m mostly sane by now, right?”

“I’m not sure many people can smile and laugh while covered head to toe in blood, my lady. At least, not many mostly sane people.”

“Then I guess I’m one of the privileged few. I’m going to conquer as much of the world as feasibly possible, Doppel. When I say conquer, you think war, violence, and bloodshed. But there’s more than one way to conquer a place. Money can buy land, loyalty, and sometimes even entire cities or countries. And that money can be used to make a lot of lives in those cities better. After all, it’s better to conquer hearts through bribes than it is to crush them with an army.”

“Except in Tartarus.”

“I will bring the iron hammer of civilization down upon those savages. Nothing that calls itself a demon with a smile on its face belongs in this world. Don’t tell me you’re going to shed tears for them.”

“...I just hope you don’t get addicted to that hammer, my lady.”

“Me too. Getting a power plant up and running will be interesting. You know, Athena said magic grows in places with more nature and trees and whatnot. Do you think electricity would interfere with magic generation?”

“I have no idea, my lady,” Doppel said with a shrug.

Sorry, I wasn’t actually asking you. Flo?

“I have no idea either, my Navi,” Flo replied, probably also shrugging. “Remember, we don’t know much about magic. As far as I’m aware, no tests have been performed on the subject. With Taya, Luna, and Twilight around to check the ambient magic levels, we can try experimenting on our own.”

“Well, it’ll be fun to find out. Alright, we got a few industries lined up. We’ll also have things like gambling and changeling whorehouses, so we’ll need inns. Once we get the teleport network set up, we’ll have access to enough spices to make the food in Equestria actually good instead of just tolerable, so we can serve food and alcohol at the inns for even more revenue. Once the place is rocking and rolling, it should become a popular tourist spot. Well, assuming the ponies can get over their fear of the nonpony residents.”

“That’s what the changeling whorehouses are there for,” Doppel said. “I made sure to report on all the common fetishes I encountered while living with you, so they should be well-trained and educated by now.”

“...Including mine?”

“That was the first thing Chrysalis ordered me to report back on.”

“Wait, and you told her the truth? I honestly sorta assumed you just started lying midway through.”

“A spy trick I learned is that the best lies are made when mixed with truths. They’re harder to detect that way. That’s why all the details about our sex lives was completely true and accurate. And since they also made her jealous, I made sure to go into great detail.”

I feel like I got angry at Luna for this recently, but… do I really have the right to complain after telling everyone about the king? Well, whatever. “Do you have any thoughts about what we should add to the town?”

“Obvious things like schools, libraries, and housing come to mind,” Doppel said. “I’ve never planned a city, though.”

“But you’ve lived in several. I understand you don’t have normal needs, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have useful input.”

“Parks are a necessity. They’re the best place for stealth sex at night. Theaters are also fantastic, since they allow for all kinds of lewd shenanigans.”

“Theaters are a great idea. I feel like changelings would be good actors. Once we get some decent tech going, we can replace them with movie theaters and throw down on a culture victory, too. Wealth, power, and culture. Soon, Equestria will have it all.”

“I’m pretty sure they already have all three,” Doppel said. “There are concerts going on all the time, there’s a ton of art and books everywhere, Canterlot is a shining example of pure opulence, and their ruler is so powerful she’s capable of making her subjects think she can move stars.”

“I don’t know if I’d consider the ponies to be cultured. Everything they do, literally everything, echoes humanity. And why would you want to listen to the echo when you can have the real thing? And some parts of Equestria have wealth, but I’d like to spread it out a lot more to the rest of the place. In terms of power, Celestia’s definitely above what most of the other countries can field. But aside from her and Twilight, what else do they have?”

“Celestia has a lot of hidden aces, actually,” Doppel said. “I don’t know all of them, but I know about the inquisitors, the three dukes, you and your crew, and her very small personal army. Equestria’s a big place and it takes a lot of work to keep it from falling apart. Celestia’s the shining star of Equestria, but her special minions are their own brands of hell.”

“I actually forgot about the inquisitors. Yeah, those guys are spooky. I guess the dukes are over in Europe?”

“There’s one here in mainland Equestria stationed on the other coast. The other two are somewhere across the sea. From my understanding, each one is a real powerhouse and has their own military force.”

“Well, the point is, I’m in the process of building an army of golems. I’ll be retrofitting the main Equestrian army while I’m at it. We won’t have to rely on hidden aces anymore.”

“Is empowering Equestria really the right move?”

“Should I take this noble thing seriously or not, Doppel? Actually, no, let me ask you another question. Do you think it’s acceptable that children are allowed to be eaten by monsters?”

“Nobody allows children to get eaten, Nav!” she replied, slapping a hoof on the floor. Apparently it was shocking enough to forget the honorific nonsense.

“Bullshit. Monsters didn’t exist in my time or were so rare that they were considered myths. There’s no excuse for them existing in this time, either. If they can be killed, why isn’t the army going out and killing them? Why the hell are there towns stationed right next to massive tracts of forsaken land where monsters roam freely? Leaving a town like Ponyville defenseless when monsters literally roam in at random should be considered a crime. At the very least, if we don’t have the power to kill all the monsters, we must at least have the power to protect people from them. Don’t think that my mind is set solely on conquest, Doppel. We both lived next to the Everfree long enough to know what kinds of things live in this world. Do you really think we shouldn’t build up the power to resist them?”

“I… I never imagined a world without monsters, if I’m… completely honest. Is that really true, Nav?”

“There were wild animals and some of them were dangerous. And humans killed plenty of other humans. But there were no monsters like the ones in this time. The only terrifying mutant creature I knew of was the duckbill platypus, but even god makes some mistakes. There’s no reason to go too far in conquering when you haven’t even secured the insides of your own borders. Tartarus is a special case because there happens to be stuff we need there. Mexico is also a special case, because I’d really like a defensive line set up so we can keep an eye on the spiders. But after those, I’d like to put the military to use inside the borders, killing monsters, building infrastructure, and actually protecting people instead of being a useless show piece. Trying to conquer the dogs with war would be ugly, so I’d rather dominate them economically instead. That’s where the teleport network comes into place.”

“...An army to protect the people… What an interesting concept.”

“Armies should rarely be used for anything else. Oppressing the people is counterproductive and you can’t conquer too much too quickly or you’ll run into administrative and security problems. So relax, Doppel. I have no intention of going evil, though I can’t rule it out.”

“Well… I guess that’s what we’re here for.”

“Yep. I just noticed, but they’ve been out there for a while. How many flowers are they going to plant?”

“Remember, you gave Gloomy permission to make a garden. What did you expect was going to happen?”

Did I? Now that I look closer, that actually is her squad out there. Well, at least it’ll be colorful. “Good thing I’m the lady of nature, I guess. Now then, maybe it’s time to think up some mixed unit tactics. RTS games aren’t so much my thing, but I think it’ll be fun.”

“You may not be going evil, but you do seem to be more warlike.”

“It’s very likely we’ll be getting support from changelings and griffins in the attack on Tartarus. I’m not just going to throw several different races of soldiers at the enemy without thinking of how they can work together. Leading without thought should also be criminal, though I guess it would be hard to prove it. Though maybe I should wait for Luna to get back for planning things like that. Experience trumps theory.”

“Now I understand! You’ve been listening to Luna too much, my lady!”

“Not everything is her fault, just most of it. What would you rather I plan, then?”

“Parties, of course! And how to increase your reputation here in Canterlot. You’ve spent all day holed up in here!”

“If I have my way, I’ll never plan a party. The pageant is coming up, so I can improve my rep there.”

“But you haven’t done the first thing to prepare for it.”

“That’s not true. I got Rarity to make clothes for me. Besides, I just woke up. I’ve had more important things to do than to worry about a pageant I got guilted into attending. And you know me: I perform best under pressure.”

“...Then you better not lose.”

“Winning is beyond me. Don’t ask for too much. You yourself think I make for a terrible lady, after all.”

“You know, I bet Cadance could help you!”

“No, I wouldn’t want to bother her. I forbid you from broaching the subject with anyone else.”

“Tch.” Did she just click her tongue at me? So much for being head maid. “You really can be anti-fun sometimes, my lady.”

“I am the very embodiment of fun, thank you very much. I always do my utmost to avoid boring things, after all.”

“You wouldn’t even let Darya tell us about the snake Skyla sees on you!”

“Yeah, because that sounds really scary. I don’t wanna hear that there’s a snake on me. Like, gross. Having it described would be worse, especially since it was enough to make that filly hate me! Hearing about it would just make me suffer. Is that what you want?”

“Well… Not like that, no. I’ll reserve your suffering for the tentacles. But I find it hard to believe you’d be scared by a snake after everything you’ve been through.”

“My ancestors ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were cursed as a result. The one who tricked them into doing it was a snake. They’re bad omens for humans. I don’t want anything to do with it, thank you very much. Wait, shit, have I technically eaten from the tree of life, too? I’m sorta immortal… Fuck, if I wasn’t already going to hell, I definitely am now! Point is, snakes are bad news. Less bad news is better, so I’m happy not hearing more.”

Doppel sighed and shook her head. I don’t understand why, though, since it’s all perfectly logical. Who the hell goes out of their way to hear unnecessary and irrelevant bad news? “My lady, you sound just like Twilight when you call her anti-fun.”

“That’s a very serious accusation, Doppel. To get back to the topic, I’ve decided to improve my reputation in more productive ways. Like building a big town, making several new businesses, and becoming a general. Recruiting more talent is going to be vital, but that’s why I have friends like Fleur and Celestia. If I’m completely honest, I find general socializing and smalltalk with people I barely know or don’t like to be fruitless and annoying, for the most part. I have little patience with it and trying to force myself usually just causes suffering. Better to focus on what I can do rather than trying to improve upon things I’m not only bad at, but can’t stand. I’m already stuck participating in this stupid pageant and I don’t intend to throw the thing, but going out of my way to prepare for it is more effort than I’m willing to put in. I was willing to be a judge. I was willing to help coordinate. But no, that wasn’t enough. I had to compete. I barely even consider myself a woman, and you want to throw me on stage against some of the best women in the world? There’s no reason to even try preparing. I’m going to lose, period. I’ve accepted it. More time spent discussing, thinking about, or working on the situation is wasted. If anything, I feel worse for Kumani. But she agreed, so that’s on her. And don’t even get me started on attending events like the Gala. I only went before because Celestia was in a position to chop off my head. I don’t see any reason to subject myself to that anymore.”

“There’s so much in there to break apart that I don’t even know what to say.”

“Good, then that means I win. I’d really like to get a look at the area the elementals are planning to put the village, along with construction on the college, but I’m probably not supposed to fly over without guards. Do you have any thoughts on the matter, Doppel?”

“You went to the deer city without guards, but you didn’t fly on your own. We’re in the process of obtaining a chariot, but one fit for a countess has to be custom-made. For now, though, Taya should be returning shortly. I’m sure Cadance and Shining Armor will also want to see everything, so you can get one of them to teleport all of us over.”

“Us?”

“In what world should a lady not be accompanied by a maid? Without Kat here to take the position, I’ll have to do it myself.”

Kat in a maid outfit… No, her crazy eyes make every outfit scary. What a shame. “Well, whatever. Do you think we can get Taya and Skyla to get along?”

“Probably not, but we can try. I haven’t really seen Skyla much since she was just a foal, but I imagine any filly raised by Cadance would have a hard time being friends with Taya. Though I also wasn’t sure if Taya and Eva would get along, but it seems to have worked out well.”

“That’s a good point. Eva will be a bridge between them. Although first we have to get through one small hurdle… So, in the coma, Taya and I saw various things. One of those things was a scene where Cadance despaired at the thought of a filly as scary as Taya becoming immortal. Taya… wasn’t very happy. Any thoughts?”

“Let Cadance handle it. She already knows, right?”

“Yeah, she knows. Are you sure I should just drop it all on her?”

“It’s all her fault, so yes. Relax, my lady. Princess Cadance isn’t like you. She’ll apologize properly and actually mean it. It’ll seem earnest and heartwarming for everyone watching. Taya may be difficult, but she probably won’t go out of her way to hold this grudge. Not since it would be inconvenient for you.”

“...Here’s hoping. You said she’ll be back soon. How soon?”

“Her classes should be ending in half an hour. She usually teleports back if she isn’t coming with her friends, so she should return within forty-five minutes.”

“Would you let Eva know? It would also be good to check up on their status. And if you could, ask if Cadance and Shiny would be interested in going with us to the village site.”

“Of course, my lady,” she said with a small bow. “I’ll be back down shortly.”

With her gone, the room really was oddly silent. You’d think a manor would be more lively. Guess I should go outside for a few minutes and thank everyone for pitching in on the flowers. Having some color around will be nicer than just a boring green lawn. Though that rainbow fountain has plenty of its own.

The slightly cool spring air felt pretty amazing, if I’m honest. My body seemed to surge with energy as it took in some direct sunlight. It was enough for me to know I should make an effort to go outside for a few minutes every morning.

Dealing with Gloomy would be a bit much, so I decided to start with the maid. She was directing one of the guards on how to properly plant seeds for thyme, at the moment. Interrupting would be rude, so I took a moment to look over the neatly laid rows she had laid out. Then I looked across the yard and couldn’t help but sigh at Gloomy’s haphazard flower placement. Knowing her, there was probably some kind of pattern that wouldn’t become clear until later. Maybe I’m the weird one for preferring ordered rows, but whatever.

Since the discussion about thyme wrapped up, I took a few steps closer. “It looks like things are going well. You’re planting more than I expected.”

“Is that a problem, my lady?” the maid asked, tilting her head to the side. “We can stop, if you’d like.”

“No, it’s no problem. Are you only planting spices over here?”

“Yes, that’s right. What isn’t used for cooking will be used for pickling. I mean no offense, but your larder is somewhat lacking in flavor and variety. But we’ll fix that up in no time!”

“I think you’ll be using plenty of thyme, actually,” I said.

“And everything else, too. A little turmeric and some peppers will change everything!”

“You’re even planting roots? Now that’s impressive.”

“Wait until I get the mushroom farm going! Though if you really want to get some good stuff, we’ll need to dig another layer under the cellar.”

“Talk to me again when you’re ready to start and we’ll discuss enlarging the house. It might be easier to do it somewhere else. By that time, there might be space in the village. We’ll probably have a teleport circle set up to facilitate movement between the two places.”

“That sounds neat! Would you like to know what else I’m planting?”

“Yes, of course.” Well, not really, but it was the polite thing to say and it would help pass the time. I did my best to pay attention as she went far more into detail about all the spices she had planted than I was expecting. It was surprising that she was such an expert on anything, but I guess real maids know their stuff.

Unfortunately, her detailed descriptions gave Gloomy plenty of time to notice me. Right as the maid finished listing the properties of rosemary, the eccentric night guard jumped in front of me with a salute and a big smile. “What do you think, my lady?” she asked, dropping the salute instantly so she could lean in closer.

“It’s quite colorful,” I diplomatically answered. The maid was planting seeds while Gloomy was planting actual flowers. Well, not just flowers. “Is that a bush?”

“Give it a month or two and it’ll be a miniature flower tree!”

“A miniature tree is just a bush. So, flower bush?”

“Yes! It’ll attract tons of butterflies, my lady. Hopefully some bees, too.”

“There’s plenty of room in this yard to keep bees, but I don’t know if there will be enough flowers to keep them going,” I said.

“Those fruit trees in the grove will give us plenty of flowers, too,” the maid said. “We could probably keep a few hives. I know the very basics, but not enough to actually set everything up.”

“If you’re ever interested in hiring outside help to get it done, let me or Silver Quill know. We can probably arrange for something. Well, assuming bees in this time are more passive than in my time. It was rare, but they’d sting people every now and then.”

“Bees sting people?” Gloomy asked. “I didn’t know they even had stingers!”

“Oh, they do,” the maid said. “Their stingers are usually just too short to get through our fur, so most ponies rarely need to worry about it. Wasps are a bigger threat. But domesticated honey bees are usually tamed with magic to make them even more docile. It does mean they need to be protected from predators like birds, though.”

“That shouldn’t be an issue, then,” Gloomy said, waving a hoof. “Spider eats them all! We’ll have to ask him not to hurt the bees, though… Wait, but what if they sting our defenseless lady?”

“Not a worry,” I said. “As a tree sister, most animals and bugs would never think to hurt me. That said, some bees might swarm my hair…”

“Wait, are those flowers actually real?” the maid asked, leaning in closer.

“Yes, of course. I am a tree sister, after all. That said, they’re quite sensitive, so please don’t touch them.”

“Wow! I never thought I’d get to work for a plant!”

“Right?!” Gloomy gushed. “She’s so cool! Most of her energy even comes from the sun, you know…”

“Let’s not go spreading these things around, please,” I said, patting them both on the head. “Apparently some unpleasant sorts have been seen around here recently. I’d rather not give them more information than is readily available.”

“Unpleasant ponies… in Canterlot?” the maid asked. “I thought the law required everypony to be pleasant!”

“There are lawbreakers everywhere you go,” Gloomy said. “Don’t worry, my lady. Watcher, Kat, and Luna took care of the more dangerous ones. The only ones who watch the house now are those who mean us no physical harm.”

Anyone stalking me is problematic, but whatever. “I’m glad to hear that. How much longer do you think planting everything is going to take?”

“My plots are almost all done,” the maid said.

“I can plant flowers all day, but we’re starting to run out of what we prepared beforehoof,” Gloomy added. “We’ll probably be done within the hour.”

“It’s a shame nothing we plant will ever compare to those two beautiful trees,” the maid said with a sigh, looking back at the two magical cherry blossom trees that were constantly in full bloom.

“It’s hard to beat magical plants,” I replied with a shrug. “I would offer to help you finish, but Doppel might yell at me. I’ll probably be in the sun room for a little longer, if you need me for anything. Just a note, Princess Cadance, Shining Armor, and Princess Skyla are in the house as well. No need to change how you act or anything, just try not to be blatantly disrespectful where they can hear you.”

“Isn’t Shining Armor a prince?” the maid asked. “Why didn’t you add that part?”

“I only bothered using his full name because you might not know who I’m talking about, otherwise. As far as I’m concerned, he’s just Shiny. No need for titles or anything like that.”

“Isn’t that blatant disrespect?” Gloomy asked.

“It would unnerve them even more if I was being polite. I know that for a fact, because they freaked out a little earlier when I tried. It probably also turns him on a little, since it seems that humiliation is one of his fetishes. But you didn’t hear that from me, of course.”

“Who else would openly talk about a prince’s fetishes?” Gloomy asked.

“Twilight told me all about what the griffin crown prince is into,” I said. “So there are more people like me out there than you’d think.”

“That’s just one, though,” the maid said. “I figured there had to be at least one other out there, so that’s really not more than I’d think…”

“Cadance also openly talks about her husband’s fetishes, so that’s two. That’s one hundred percent more than you were expecting. Happy now?”

“Does it count if it’s a princess?” Gloomy asked.

“Moonbeam also seems perfectly willing to talk about it.”

“She’s also royalty, though…”

“You asked who else would talk about it, you didn’t specify that it couldn’t be royalty. The point is, I’m not as unusual as you think. You just need more interesting friends. Or more friends that sleep with royalty, maybe.”

“I guess I’ll get to hear all kinds of fun things while working here,” the maid said with a huge grin.

Saying it like that makes you sound like a spy. I think the other one said something similar earlier, actually. Doppel did vet them, didn’t she? “I happen to be friends with a few powerful people,” I said. “That makes me privy to various aspects of their lives. I’m not always shy about sharing said information. After all, a complete lack of privacy is normal in this world. That’s why my mind has been invaded, my own eyes have been used to spy on me, my dreams have been assaulted, my diaries have been violated, and there are at least four groups of people watching the house.”

“If you’ve been through all that, I’m surprised the walls never closed in on you, too,” the maid said. “That’s what our last lord kept ranting about before he mysteriously disappeared. I think the walls he kept talking about finally squished him flat, leaving nothing left. But it all started when he noticed some of his private letters had been opened before he got them.”

“Oh, no, he was probably grabbed by a night squad like us,” Gloomy said. “I’m surprised his letters were returned opened, though. That’s sloppy.”

“They were all sealed up properly, but it was a special kind of ink that reacted to light,” the maid said. “Since it was close to fading already, he knew someone had opened it before him.”

“Yeah, not much you can do about that,” Gloomy said with a shrug. “Still, I doubt he was squished. He’s almost definitely been reassigned to a changeling hive.”

“Oh! The changelings are our friends now, right? I guess Celestia needed him as a diplomat? Still, it’s weird that he didn’t leave us any notes, or bring any of his staff with him. And his whole family line vanished right along with him! Do you think they all got reassigned?”

“Probably, yeah,” I said. “I’m sure it was very sudden. Something important must have come up. I bet they all have big smiles on their faces right now, so don’t worry about them.”

“I have a feeling the reassignment might have had something to do with you, my lady,” Gloomy said with a small smirk.

“Well, I was the one who helped Celestia and Moonbeam come to some kind of agreement and become friends again. So, I guess? Anyway, I don’t want to keep you two from working. I’ll get out of your hair and head back inside.”

“See you soon, Lady Navi!” Gloomy said with another salute.

“Indeed, we’ll finish soon and join you inside,” the maid said with a smile and a bow. I booped Gloomy and finally made my way back inside.

Doppel was waiting for me, somewhat surprisingly. I expected she would have joined me outside, but it didn’t matter. “So, what did the royals have to say?” I asked.

“They’d be interested in joining you, my lady,” Doppel replied. “And from what they said, they all did their best to tell Skyla about her ability. I’m not sure how well she’ll understand, but they would like to see if you would come back upstairs.”

“I will,” I said. “Assuming you’ll protect me from Skyla, that is.”

“I swear I’ll guard you with my life, my lady.”

“I was joking. Don’t even think about sacrificing yourself for me. I can come back, after all.”

“...I swear I’ll guard you with my life, my lady.”

“Don’t pull a Kat on me, Doppel,” I said. “Let’s go, shall we?”

“Of course, my lady…” She followed me back out to the anteroom, where she used her commoner privileges to fly up to the third floor. I sighed and fulfilled my noble responsibility by walking instead. I guarantee these social responsibilities were made up by unicorns who could teleport. This is seriously bullshit.

“Why is life suffering?” I sighed as I finally got to the third floor.

“My lady, is it so much to ask that you not give everyone the chance to stare straight up your skirt? Is walking up some stairs really that bad?”

“Why would I care if anyone looks up my skirt?”

“Because you’re a countess!”

“Most ponies don’t even wear clothes. Why should I be special?” Before she could answer, I knocked on the door she was standing in front of.

I expected Shiny to ease it open again to peek at who it was, but instead, Eva slammed it wide open with a grin. “She won’t freak out this time, mommy!”

“That’s probably not the nicest thing to say in front of the person in question, but good. Perhaps I’ll finally get to meet my goddaughter.” Being cautious might make the filly even more scared, so I just walked in with a small smile. Skyla was currently being cuddled by her mother on the bed, but she still jumped when she saw me. “Hello, Princess,” I said, looking straight at her. “I’m Navarone.”

“...Did you k-know that… There’s a snake around you?” the filly whispered, her eyes still wide.

“No, I never noticed. I’m fairly confident the snake isn’t actually real. Does it seem to notice you?”

“It… its fangs are sunk in your neck, so… I don’t t-think so?”

“See there? If it’s totally focused on me, you have no need to fear it. By chance, do you happen to see another person who looks somewhat similar to me?”

“No, just… you and the s-snake…”

“So it’s definitely not just the collar connecting me to Ava, then. I wonder what you’re seeing, if not ghosts? Anyway, I know you’re quite good at magic. If you really want to find out if the snake is real or not, why don't you try pulling it off of me?”

“But then it might attack me!” Wow, I didn’t expect Cadance’s filly to be a little bitch.

“Then we’ll protect you, of course,” Shiny said, finally stepping up like a real dad. Eva also flew over and joined them on the bed, probably trying to provide emotional support or whatever.

“None of you can even see it, though!” That’s actually a very valid point.

“If your magic can affect it, I don’t see why mine couldn’t,” Shiny said. “You may not know it, but shield magic is your father’s specialty. I’ll keep you safe, no matter what.” Thankfully, Cadance couldn’t swoon since she was already on the bed. It didn’t stop her from smiling like crazy, though. Fucking normies.

“Doppel, make sure you’re under that shield.”

“I’d rather be by your side,” she said.

“That’s an order, actually,” I said, picking her up and tossing her to the bed. Before she could object, Shiny covered the four of them up. “We can all speak to the strength of that barrier, Skyla. Shiny used it to protect all of Canterlot from an invasion, you know.”

“R-really?”

“The whole city,” Cadance said, hugging her closer. “Don’t worry about a thing, honey. There’s definitely no way that snake can get you now. Why don’t you see if you can help Nav by getting rid of it?”

“...Alright, I’ll try.” A few seconds later, her horn lit up and… nothing happened. “It… it’s not working. But it l-looks so scary!”

I reached into a hidden pocket and pulled out a throwing knife. “Try with this.”

“I don’t wanna h-hurt you!” Seriously? Didn’t you just try throwing a chair at me?

“Isn’t there a safer way of checking?” Eva asked.

“Well, which side of my neck is it on?” I asked, lifting the blade up. “I’ll see if I can poke it.”

“Let’s put a stop to that,” Cadance said, using magic to disarm me and float the knife to the table. “It’s not like unenchanted steel is going to hurt something that magic couldn’t touch. Besides, you’ve been through all kinds of things since Skyla was born. If the snake could have been hurt by normal means, it probably would have been dead by now.” Sad, but true.

“I think we can say it’s not real,” Shiny said, lowering the shield. Doppel instantly flittered over and began checking me over for any signs of damage. “There’s nothing to be afraid of aside from Nav, honey. And she’s mostly harmless these days, so you’ll be fine.”

“To my knowledge, I’ve never hurt a child,” I said. “I’ve even saved a few of them before. You have nothing to fear from me, Skyla.”

“That’s right!” Eva said, patting Skyla’s side. “Navi’s a hero! She even adopted me!”

“...Can I try t-touching the snake?” the filly whispered.

“I don’t have any problem with that,” I replied with a shrug. “Parents, any objections?”

“I’ll try first,” Shiny said. “Just tell me where to poke.”

“Overruled,” Doppel said, latching onto me from behind. “Point it out, Skyla. I’ll try tickling it.”

“You’ll do what n—” I didn’t get to finish before Skyla pointed and Doppel started tickling me. She was holding onto me with an uncanny vice grip and nothing I did dislodged her or made her stop. Tickling me in front of Shiny and Cadance definitely meant some punishment was in order, but at least it made Skyla and Eva start laughing. Their giggles were much more adorable than mine, too. Unfortunately, it also made Skyla’s parents laugh, which meant even more punishment for Doppel later.

When she was done using me like a cheap whore, she finally released me and quickly got out of reach. She did flinch a little when she saw my glare, but it didn’t stop her from smiling. “We’re going to have words about this later, Doppel,” I coldly said.

“I’d say it was a long time coming, myself,” Shiny said. “Normally this is the part where you’d do something violent to try and take the sting off, but you’ll behave in front of a filly, right?”

“The coma taught me that revenge must be carefully constructed. Three people in this room are forgiven. As for the rest of you… Well, I have a long memory. Anywho, did Doppel touch the snake or did her naughty hooves go straight through?”

“It’s like it wasn’t even there!” Skyla said. “I wanna try!”

“I’ll let you try touching it, but if you attempt to tickle me, I’ll tickle harder.”

“You wouldn’t abuse a filly like that, Navi!” Cadance said, finally releasing her spawn.

“Tickles are only abuse when they’re done to me. They’re adorable on everyone else, especially fillies.”

“That logic seems… flawed,” Eva said, tilting her head.

“Don’t put much thought into it.” I finally walked up to the bed and held out a hand. “See for yourself if I’m dangerous or not, Skyla.” If nothing else, please stop throwing things at me.

After a few seconds of deliberation, she finally reared up on her hind legs and grabbed my hand. “It… it isn’t real!” Well, it probably is, but it’s likely only a threat to me. “But… why can I see it, then?”

“It’s a special skill of some kind,” I replied, using my other hand to finally boop the filly. “You have some very powerful eyes, Skyla. The snake around me surely means something, even if we don’t know what. I know some people we can ask, though. Celestia’s the first one that comes to mind. Athena is the second. Either of them might be able to tell us about your talent.”

“Athena it is,” Shiny said with a nod.

“Agreed,” Cadance added with a nod of her own.

“Alright, let’s go talk to her,” I said. “We’re leaving Skyla here, though. If Athena needs to examine her, we can bring her back later.”

“Why not just bring her?” Shiny asked.

“I’ll tell you on the way. Doppel, Eva, can you keep an eye on the best filly in this room?”

“With pleasure, my lady,” Doppel replied with a perfect bow.

“It’ll give us a chance to look around the house!” Eva said with a nod.

“And I’ll be taking all but one of the cookies as payment for Athena,” I said, grabbing the plate. I held the one remaining cookie up for Skyla. “You should take a few minutes to explore the house, Skyla. It’s a pretty neat place.”

“The front of it was really cool!” she said, using magic to stuff the cookie in her mouth. “Is it true you can see all the storms coming in?” Shouldn’t a princess have better manners at this point? I know you’re young, but geez.

“Yes. The cliff is a great place to watch, too. Especially when the storm starts getting close and the wind gets heavy. There will probably be a few soon, to help get spring started. You’ll get to see it all then.”

“I can’t wait!”

“Patience is a virtue. We should be back soon. Until then, you should find the best place to watch for storms.”

“Just don’t try flying near the edge,” Cadance said. “You’re still unsteady on your wings.”

“I’ll keep an eye on her,” Doppel said.

“The book portal is upstairs,” I said, heading to the door. “Come along.” Shiny and Cadance quickly followed. Apparently they also knew their place, because neither tried flying or teleporting up the stairs.

“So, why aren’t we bringing Skyla?” Shiny asked.

“Two reasons. First, because of Hera. Second, because only three people are allowed in at a time.”

“I think Twilight mentioned something about Hera, actually,” Cadance said. “It was something… creepy, if I remember right? It isn’t coming to me, though…”

“Maybe it was the time she skinned one of the Seven alive?” I said.

“Oh yeah, that was it! Wow, how could I forget something like that? Maybe I need to sleep more…”

“Good call on not bringing Skyla,” Shiny said, nodding.

“Can you give us some tips on how not to get skinned alive?” Cadance asked.

“Don’t insult Hera. She’ll probably try to pet you, but that’s harmless. She might also ask to keep you as pets, but don’t worry about that. She’s much more interested in owning a young and adorable foal instead.”

“Yeah, we’re definitely not bringing Skyla,” Cadance said.

“Don’t worry, Athena and I wouldn’t let her. She’ll get squirted with a water bottle if she starts up. Oh, one more thing! Flo, did you ask Celestia for the stuff?”

“She had several questions, but acquiesced in the end,” Flo replied with a sigh. “I suppose keeping the two of them placated is more valuable than ethics.”

“Excellent, that’ll put Hera in a good mood. If possible, could you ask Celestia to drop it off in my room? Definitely not in person, though. That’s extremely not necessary.”

Flo sighed again and said, “I know everything Celestia knows. Didn’t you think about asking me if Celestia knows anything about Skyla’s skill?”

“We need to keep her involved. Besides, I didn’t have the chance. They decided immediately. Anyway, here we are.” I thrust my door open right as a huge glass jug of blood showed up with a loud pop. I’m talking huge as in Kool-Aid Man, so it towered over all of us. Thankfully, it didn’t come through a wall and the top was sealed.

“What the absolute buck,” Shiny whispered as the monstrous container appeared.

“Is… is that blood?!” Cadance hissed.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I replied, walking over to the desk. “So, for reference, Hera is the beautiful one with wings and Athena is the hideous one that looks kinda like an owl.” The book was in the gene-locked chest, so I popped it open and removed it and one other thing.

“I’m actually kinda worried about it,” Shiny said, tapping the jug. “It’s cool, so this can’t be fresh. Nav, what in the world is going on?”

“Hera needs it. I’m telling you, don’t worry about it.” I walked over to the two of them, who were still staring uncertainly at the horrific amalgamation of foal’s blood. “I do need one of you to carve something into the glass for me, though. This right here, if you would.” I held up the sheet with the interdimensional rune on it. With the size of that jug, I wasn’t sure if it would be able to follow us without it.

“Is that a lost rune?” Shiny asked, narrowing his eyes at it. “Like the ones on your golems, right?”

“Yes. It’ll allow us to take the foal’s blood with us.”

“It’s foal’s blood?!” Shiny shouted.

“Stop being so dramatic,” Cadance said, using magic to pull the rune over. She traced it with her eyes a few times before her horn lit up and the rune flashed into place. “Easy-peasy. So, what’s the foal’s blood for, anyway?”

“Making Athena less ugly. Trust me, it’s vital.”

“How many foals died for this?!” Shiny demanded, slapping a hoof on the floor.

“Zero. Do you really think I’m that evil? Jesus. I’m not like the deer! Celestia just took some from a few donation drives around the country. She sure moved fast, too. Anyway, ready?”

“Yep, let’s do it!” Cadance said, wrapping a hoof around my shoulder. “And seriously, Shiny, it’s Nav. If you overreact to anything she does, we’ll be here forever. So grab on!”

He sighed and wrapped one of his legs around my arm. “Let’s go, I guess.” I opened the book and all of us got nabbed by the sexy tentacles. Cadance squealed in joy and Shiny squeaked in terror.

Moments later, we were in Athena’s infernal realm. Thankfully, the huge jug was behind us. An instant later, two more jugs pressed into mine as Hera appeared directly in front of me and immediately went for a hug. Since her body pressing against me felt good in several different ways, I hugged her back. “It’s good to see you again, Hera,” I said, patting her back. “I brought you a few gifts.”

“Is that the virgin blood?” she asked, finally pulling away from me so she could step closer to the jar. “Is my suffering finally over, Nav?!”

“That’s the blood,” I said. “And here are some cookies.”

“You’re the best worshipper I’ve ever had!” Hera said, moving in for another hug. This time, she gently pressed her forehead against mine. I could clearly see her glowing eyes through the veil and her grin was as devilish as they come. “You truly are my favorite, Navi…” Her breath was sweet and warm, almost to the point of being intoxicating.

“I’m happy to hear that,” I whispered back with a smile of my own. With that, I did my best to sneak a cookie under her veil, which made her giggle in glee and pull away so she could eat it without getting crumbs all over me. It was the perfect timing, because her breath was starting to overwhelm me.

“Welcome back,” Athena said from right next to Hera. Cadance and Shiny both jumped at her sudden appearance. I was dead enough inside not to react, even as she reached out one of her withered branch-like arms to seize a cookie. “That’s quite a lot of expensive reagent you’ve brought us. Don’t tell me Hera has something foolish in mind for it.”

“It’s a gift for you, silly!” Hera replied. “I can get started immediately! It should take around five to ten minutes at most.”

“Let’s first hear what our guests have to say.”

“They’ve already brought offerings,” Hera said, waving a hand. “We can listen to their prayers after we put them to use!”

“The best worshipper ever deserves the best goddess ever, Hera,” Athena said. “Navarone, have you and your guests come for more knowledge?”

“We have,” I replied with a nod. “Their filly has a special skill that allows her to see colorful auras of various shapes. She actually saw some kind of snake wrapped around me with its fangs sunk in my throat.”

“Oh, that’s part of Discord’s curse,” Athena said. “You haven’t read the book I lent you yet?”

“I figured it was,” I said. “But do you know anything about that ability? Anything that lets a mortal perceive what Discord does is worrisome.”

“Fae possess many types of magic vision,” Athena said. “If I had to guess, I’d say that her vision shows the soul. It would make the most sense, given that she sees nothing but the snake around you, but colors and shapes for everyone else. Curses of the soul are extremely rare, after all, with not many beings capable of manifesting them. Mostly just the old gods like us and Discord. If you bring her here, I could examine her more in-depth. Even among the eyes that see souls, there are many variations. Colors and shapes probably makes her a diviner of some kind. If she hones that ability, she could use it to detect the possible fates of those she sees.”

“Wait, Skyla could become a seer?” I asked. “That’s game-changing, right there!”

“Our filly can… see fate?” Cadance asked. “Is that really possible?”

“It is,” Hera said with a nod. “However, fate isn’t a certainty. Certain actions are fated to happen and various people have the potential to interact with those fateful actions. How those people interact together determines the outcome. For example, soulmates failing to become one because one chickened out, or a battle between two famous figures where only one can survive. Being able to see someone’s possible fates doesn’t mean their destiny is set in stone.”

“But it does give you insight into the future,” Athena said. “Something which is eternally invaluable. If you bring her here, she’ll see all kinds of things around Hera and I. What she sees will determine what kind of eyes she has.”

“Do you have a book that has more information about the various types of divining eyes?” I asked.

“Several, but only two that are useful for your purposes.” She held up both of her hands and the books appeared. “Knowledge for offerings, as it was in the past.”

“Offerings for knowledge, as befitting a worshipper to a goddess,” I said, taking the books. The plate of cookies vanished when I had the new knowledge. “But while we’re on the topic, what really differentiates a god like you from a human?”

“In our case, drinking from an ocean of pure magic,” Hera said. “We stood far above all others and ruled as we pleased.”

“We are still sort of human,” Athena said. “The definition of god varies, but it is essentially a being with immense power, knowledge, and lifespan. We tick all three boxes. Godhood also requires the ability to attract worshippers and the power of belief, which empowers us even further. Celestia is the textbook definition of a living man-god. Or pony-god, in this case. Hera and I would be classified as fallen gods, since our ability to interact with the world is so limited. In time, if you gain a soul, you’ll probably end up deified as a plant goddess. Your pony friend there could end up as the goddess of love, with time. If her daughter is the same model and she practices her skills, she could become the goddess of fate.”

“What about me?” Shiny asked.

“You’re an inferior model, so don’t worry about it,” Hera replied. “The one next to you is more powerful in every way, to the point where she has the potential for godhood.” I wasn’t expecting Shiny to seem so crushed, but it apparently upset him even more when Hera said it.

“Yeah, Cadance is the one I mentioned before who I figured might have the aptitude,” I said. “But seeing Celestia’s behavior as a goddess left a bad taste in her mouth.”

“The goddess of love does not rule the same as the goddess of the sun,” Athena said. “Besides, those who isolate themselves tend to become dark and evil, even if they claim the title of sun god. Meanwhile, those who take on love often become possessive and caring. In time, you would essentially become a paragon of love.”

“Wait, even godhoods follow trends?” I asked. “Is that similar to the effect that ghosts have on society as a whole?”

“Yes, exactly,” Athena replied, nodding. “Once enough worshippers have amassed for a given god, the traits of the dead gods who came before will start imprinting on the new one. I’m sure you remember what the Aztec sun god demanded. Knowing that, do you find yourself surprised by Celestia?”

“...No. Nor am I surprised by Cadance anymore. Her behavior fits the legends of Cupid to a T. Wait, do you think Celestia was purposefully creating gods? Flo, did Celestia know that belief gives power?”

“Of course she did and of course she was,” Flo replied. “She didn’t have that word for it, but she knew that deifying Cadance would bring her many benefits.”

“Apparently she was,” I said.

“The job is already mostly complete, indeed,” Hera said, leaning in for a closer look at Cadance. “These models of fae are pretty powerful. It’s a shame they restrict themselves to using magic through their horns. Still, they’d make wonderful pets. No wonder they’re all serving you, Navi. With a few more believers, this one will probably pass the threshold. What do you think, Athena?”

“Well, there aren’t any humans out there anymore. She’ll need more than a few fae to make up for it, but it’s probably only a hundred or two thousand more and she’ll be hitting the bare minimum. Give her another few hundred years and she’ll hit her growth spurt.”

“Oh, we should give her that book!” Hera said, looking around the room. “You know the one, right? We had to redo the binding because of all the blood.”

“Yes, I definitely remember,” Athena said, rolling her eyes. “I told you to wait until I could bring a towel, but you just had to hear his screams immediately.”

“Stop complaining. You forgot it even existed until it got damaged. And I fixed it anyway, so I don’t see the big deal.” Hera finally lifted a hand and a red book shot over from one of the walls. “Ugh, it still smells like him, too. Where did you even get this book, anyway?”

“Ah, Godhood and You: A Primer,” Athena said, taking it and flipping it open. “It is from after the extinction of humanity, so it was one of the lesser races. Still, enough time has passed that plenty of half-baked gods have come and gone, along with a few good ones here and there. This was written by a civilization that figured out how to quantify belief, which made experimenting with godhood much easier. But it was written by a superior model who surrounded himself with inferior models, like this one here, so it should do the trick.”

I reached out for it, but Hera slapped my hand. “This book is for things with souls only, I’m afraid,” she said. “Try again when you free yourself, Navi.”

“Then it’s all yours, Cadance,” I said.

“Most of that conversation went over my head, actually,” Cadance said. “But I think I kinda feel a little insulted maybe, for some reason? Nav, what makes you think I want to become something like Celestia?”

“Athena, if Celestia had enough people believing in her as the goddess of the sun, could she stand a chance against Discord?”

“With enough pieces on the chessboard, yes,” Athena said. “Which… hoh, what a goal! Do you think that’s what he’s aiming for, Nav? From what he said to Celestia and Luna before he was banished, it’s like he was goading them to seek power. Maybe he wants more gods out there!”

“Isn’t that basically the only way to stop him, though?” Hera asked. “Sure, quality trumps quantity when it comes to gods, but given time, a group of new gods could overthrow him.”

“If that is the case, that means Navarone is currently a wild card,” Athena said with a grin, looking me up and down. “You can’t go in play until either Discord claims you or you gain a soul, but as soon as you do, you’ll almost definitely become a major player for whichever side wins you. Maybe that’s his plan for this cycle’s Eris?”

“I don’t think I could ever imagine Nav as a god,” Shiny muttered.

“Silence, mortal,” I replied, idly waving a hand. He huffed, but knew his place and otherwise stayed quiet. “So, I don’t really like the thought of being a card in a deck, but I guess that’s basically been my fate the whole time here. At this point, my value has just risen a lot higher. Is there any way I can contact Death to expedite this whole soul thing? I’d rather be on my own side.”

“Cards rarely get their own deck,” Athena said. “Obtaining a soul won’t be cheap, Nav. It’s entirely possible the cost will be subservience.”

“I’m not too concerned with the price, if I’m honest. A being I can negotiate with is infinitely better than one I can’t. If they try to make me a servant, I can offer them something more useful. My current owner doesn’t want a servant, he just wants me. Specifically, he wants me to suffer. Breaking that status quo is worth almost any price. If Cadance becomes the goddess of love, could she do something to help?”

“She would have the power, but not the knowledge,” Athena replied. “Even I know very little about imbuing souls into something. Creating one from scratch is right out of the question.”

“On the flipside, that would mean obtaining the knowledge is all you’d need,” Hera added.

“Take the book, Cadance,” I said.

“Couldn’t Celestia just do it?” she asked.

“Yo momma ain’t raise no bitch,” I replied. “I’d rather have someone I trust give me a soul. Besides, becoming a god would give you even more control over Shiny.”

“Oh, good point.” She floated the book over without another word and started poking through it immediately.

“Taya can teach you the translation spell, in case you don’t know it,” I said. “Athena, I should point out that their filly is cute, small, and utterly adorable. Is it safe for her here?”

“As long as they come with you, yes,” Athena replied. “Why? Have you ever felt… unsafe here, Nav?”

“Yeah, when I fought my way through the hellish maze. Shiny and Cadance could make it easy-peasy, but their filly would have some trouble. She was also really scared when she saw the snake around me. Is there anything she’d see around either of you that might scare her?”

“Probably,” Hera replied with a shrug. “But I’ll cuddle and pet her to make up for it!”

“If you want, you can cuddle and pet Shiny while we go get Skyla,” I said. “It should only take a few minutes.”

“Wait, wha—”

“I’d rather play with the superior model, honestly,” Hera said, looking at Shiny dubiously. “This one’s not cute at all, really. I guess he’s a little gallant, but too small to really ride on. The goddess candidate is much cuter and her wings look quite soft!”

“I’m afraid she’s a married mare,” I said. “We’ll be back eventually with Skyla.”

“Give us about twenty minutes,” Hera said. “Athena will look completely different when you get back!”

“That’ll be interesting,” I said, looking at the hideous monstrosity in question.

“Is my opinion going to be requested before this is done?” Athena asked. “Because I can think of many uses for virgin blood.”

“Hera requested blood, so I delivered blood,” I replied with a shrug. “You should let her spoil you a little, you know? I mean, she actually wants to do something nice for you. Would you turn her down?”

“It’s suspicious. This is Hera we’re talking about, after all.”

“I’m not suspicious!” Hera shouted, stomping a foot on the floor. “Why wouldn’t a generous soul such as myself want to help a dear friend?”

“Well, I’ll let you two decide what to do with it. We’ll come back tomorrow morning. That’ll give us a chance to look over the books.”

“Could you bring steaks next time?” Hera asked. “Ooh, or maybe bacon?”

“Cooked or raw?”

“Raw. We’ll cook them with magic. I wouldn’t mind shoving my meat down your throat, Navi!”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I replied with a nod. “Now, we’ll get out of your hair for a bit.” I quickly rounded up the royalty and used the book on the pedestal to escape. The tentacles quickly threw us back into reality. “Man, those two are always a trip.”

“Did you just try to leave me there?” Shiny demanded.

“I said I have a long memory, but that doesn’t mean I want to carry a grudge around for a while. Getting even sooner is better than later. Anyway, once Taya gets back, she can help us translate these things.”

“I know the spell already,” Cadance said. “And Shiny, stop looking so indignant. It’s not like she actually left you behind.”

“And why did Hera call me inferior? Did you put that in her head, Nav?!”

“I mean, when you think about how ponies were originally created, it’s obvious that you’re objectively inferior. You are quite literally one third as powerful as an alicorn. Or maybe a ninth? I’m not sure how the math works out.”

“Wait, how were ponies originally created?” Cadance asked.

“A certain evil demon used chaos magic to split the alicorns into three. They became the master race unicorns, the warrior race pegasi, and the weak and powerless earth ponies. That makes a unicorn about a third to a ninth as effective as an alicorn. The demon also turned some of the alicorns into changelings.”

“Did he turn them into anything else?” Cadance asked.

“Yeah. Dead bodies. Can you cast the translation spell on me? The elementals can process these two books for me, then I’ll let you keep them. You’ll need to learn more about Skyla’s power.”

“What do you mean by allowing the elementals to process them?” Cadance asked.

“And are we really going to just brush over the fact that you tried to leave me behind?” Shiny asked.

“The elementals can read a book for me and put it all in my head,” I replied. “They can also create copies of that book in any language they know, so I’ll send copies to my publishers. That book about godhood is for you alone, though. Keep it secret and keep it safe.”

“Becoming a god, huh,” she whispered, looking down at the book head in her magical grasp. “Isn’t that doing exactly what Oldlestia wanted, though?”

“Sure, but you’d be doing it for your reasons, not hers.”

“I think it’s your reasons, not mine. What do you think, Shiny?”

“I think I’m wondering why you aren’t more concerned about how Nav tried leaving me with Hera!”

“Well I mean, she didn’t, so what’s the big deal? Isn’t the whole godhood thing more important right now, honey?”

“Yeah Shiny, don’t be so narrow-minded,” I added with a big smile. “I mean, I’m sure I can work with Cadance on improving your dreams if you really want…”

“So, godhood, huh?” Shiny said, quickly shifting gears. “I mean, if you think about it realistically… isn’t more power better than less power?”

“Spoken like a true soldier,” I said with a nod. “And you’re not wrong, either. I’m not sure what kinds of powers you’d have as the goddess of love, but as the goddess of the sun, Celestia can use magic to put an end to regional droughts over the course of about half a year or so. As the goddess of the moon, Luna was strong enough to bring down a meteor. You can help a lot of people with power like that.”

“And hurt plenty more,” Shiny said. “I know you wouldn’t intend to do something like that, but… What were you saying about godhoods following themes, Nav?”

“There are aimless spirits stuck in place all over this world,” I said. “Those spirits influence the people who settle nearby. That’s why all the city names in this world are puns of names in my time. The same kind of thoughtform affects godhood itself, meaning those who take on the mantle of a god of a concept tend to take on traits of others who held the mantle before them. Generally speaking, the gods of love have been loving and playful, so I don’t think there’s much to worry about there.”

“It certainly sounds… interesting,” Cadance said, still looking the book over. “I guess I’ll give it a read and think about it after I know more. Now, about Skyla…” Her horn lit up and a light hit all three of us. “Go ahead and let the elementals read those books for you, Nav. Then the two of us will look over one each.”

“That works for me,” I said, walking back over to my desk and taking a seat. “Darya, would you kindly?”

“Yes, my lady.” She absorbed both books for me and injected their contents straight into my brain.

“This truly is one of the more broken skills out there,” I said with a smile. “We could probably absorb all the knowledge in Athena’s library in just a few days. Ah, anyway, those really are a pretty special set of eyes. The short version is that if she learns to focus her skills, she can see things in the auras around people. Those things will be related to what fate has in store for their soul. Since I’m an abomination created by an evil spirit, I’m something outside of fate. That’s what the snake represents.”

“...Outside of fate, huh?” Shiny said, looking me up and down. “No wonder things have changed so much since you got here. You’ve bucked up all of our fates, haven’t you?”

“Probs. If Cadance becomes a goddess, it’ll put more power back into her hooves. And if Skyla learns to control her eyes, that’ll give you even more options. All in all, I’d say that was quite the constructive visit.”

“Agreed,” Cadance said. “We’ll start reading those two now. Do you still want to visit your land today?”

“Yes. I was waiting for Taya to get back. It should be in just a few more minutes. If you two want to stay to read, I can bring Skyla with us. Now that she isn’t scared of me, we have a few more options.”

“That’s right next to the Everfree,” Shiny said. “I’m definitely going.”

“She’ll be safe with Nav, but that’s fine,” Cadance said. “I’ll stay back to read. Besides, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I don’t know much about features of land. I doubt I’d be useful.”

“That wasn’t in your princess training?” I asked. “Well, whatever. I’ll mostly be relying on experts, myself. But getting a better look at the land I’ll be ruling seems like a good idea.”

“It’s not the worst weather for a picnic, either,” Cadance said, looking out the huge window. “Maybe I’ll join you and bring the books with me. Ooh, if we’re doing that, I should go prepare something!”

“Kitchen’s on the bottom floor,” I said. “Feel free to use whatever you’d like.”

“Are you just going to let a princess use your kitchen?” Shiny asked.

“Why would I stop a princess from doing as she pleased?” I shot back. “Especially when her cooking is so good. You’re awfully disagreeable today, Shiny. Do you need a boop?”

“No. I’m just not particularly fond of being called inferior! And getting left behind as the plaything of an evil goddess is even worse!”

“I’m sorry that the truth hurts, Shiny. And I knew Hera would say no. That’s the only reason I offered. Even your wife knew I was just messing with you, dude. Are you sure a boop won’t help you calm down?”

“I don’t think it could hurt,” Cadance said. “Go for it, Nav.”

“Just remember, you brought this on yourself,” I said, standing back up from the desk.

“Keep your hands away from me,” Shiny said. He even narrowed his eyes at me! Of course, that wasn’t nearly enough to stop me. I moved forward unabated until I finally stood before the stallion himself. The smirk on my face was probably insufferable and I’m sure he wanted to fight back, but his wife was firmly holding him in place with magic. The boop I placed upon his nose was more satisfying than usual.

“So, feel better now?” I sweetly asked.

“No! I feel… violated…”

“Relax, it was just a boop. It’s not like I penetrated any of your holes. Anyway, I did what I could. I’ll show you to the kitchen, Cadance. Then I’ll go check on your filly.”

“Sounds good,” Cadance replied with a nod. “Shall we?”

“Let’s.” For some reason, Shining Armor seemed fairly disappointed and just plodded along behind us silently. Cadance more than made up for it and was quite excited to be working in a new kitchen.

Shiny and I abandoned her there and went out back, where Skyla and Eva were examining the new flowers while Doppel watched over them. They seemed to be having fun, so it was almost a waste to interrupt them. Still, since they hadn’t noticed us yet, it seemed like a good time to see if Skyla would be scared if she just suddenly saw me.

With that thought in mind, I swooped in behind an unsuspecting Eva and snatched her up in a hug, making both of them squeak. Eva only flailed around for a second or two before giving up and accepting her fate as my new cuddlebug. “We’re back,” I finally said.

“How was the trip?” Eva asked. “Did you learn anything fun?”

“Yes. Skyla’s eyes can sort of see into the future. We’ll need to bring her back to Athena tomorrow morning for a more thorough checkup, but it’s definitely a special skill.”

“Cool! You should adopt her too, mommy!”

“But she already has a family,” I said.

“So did I, but that didn’t stop you from stealing me away!”

“Nav, you kidnapped a changeling?!” Shiny demanded.

“Your family abandoned you before I found you,” I said. “I can’t adopt Skyla away from a loving household.”

“But this place is so cool…” Skyla whispered, looking around in interest.

“Cooler than the palace made of crystal that you currently live in?” I asked.

“It’s not just the house, though,” Skyla said. “The rest of the city is really pretty, too!”

This pastel hellhole? Really? “I think you’ll make your father even more depressed if you keep saying you want to leave him for me.”

“You could adopt him, too!” Eva said.

“Does that mean I could call you mommy?” Shiny asked.

“You’re not cute enough to adopt,” I said, booping him yet again. “I’d adopt your wife, though.”

“Is that why you don’t have any colts?” Shiny asked.

“I can’t match outfits with them or talk about boys. What’s even the point?”

“Huh. You really are taking being a lady seriously, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am. I’m becoming a countess now, after all. That’s like, twice the lady or something.”

“Three times the lady, actually,” Shiny said. “I’m looking forward to the pageant, to see if you really live up to it.” That makes one of us.

“Me too!” Eva said, squirming around in my grasp. “You’re gonna be so pretty, mommy!” I guess that’s two, then.

“I heard you’re the best lady ever!” Skyla said. “That means you’re gonna win with no problem, right? It’s gonna be so fun!” Or three of us. God dammit.

“I’m the best human around, but I don’t think I qualify as the best lady ever. I don’t have much experience with it, after all.”

“Haven’t you always been a lady, though?” Skyla asked. “I thought being a noble was in your blood.”

“I was promoted from commoner to noble less than a year ago, I believe. And I was originally born a man, so being a woman is foreign to me.”

“But you’re so pretty! I think you make a much better lady than a colt…”

“Agreed,” Shiny added with a nasty smirk.

“You really are the cutest,” Eva said with a sigh. “I like you this way, mommy! Your hugs are so much squishier and you’re even more gentle now!”

“Hm, sounds like everyone wants you to stay this way,” Shiny said. “Guess you’re a better filly than you are a colt, huh? I know you definitely look better now. Good thing you’re used to it, right?”

“You know, I just thought of a way to make your dream dates with your wife even better. Doppel’s been working on quite a fun thing recently, something with all kinds of squirming tentacles. I think you’ll love it.”

“You know, you’ve been smiling a lot more recently, too,” Shiny said. “Maybe you’re secretly happy this happened? You certainly didn’t waste any time jumping into the cutest of skirts and dresses… I bet hiding your smile when the stones broke was one of the hardest things you’ve done, huh?”

“Bullying is wrong,” Eva said, shaking a hoof at him. “You’re a prince, Shiny! You should be above that! Especially against my poor, defenseless mommy!”

“Yeah Shiny, geez,” I said. “Don’t make me sic my filly on you.”

“You can’t go around bullying pretty ladies, daddy! You’re supposed to protect them! But… what did he say that was bullying?”

“Hopefully a good filly like yourself will never understand,” I said, patting her head. “Sometimes your dad is just mean to me for literally no reason.”

“What?!”

“I never did anything to deserve any of it, but he just likes seeing me suffer.”

“Daddy, that’s bad!”

“It’s a lie!” Shiny hissed, glaring at me. “After everything you’ve—”

“Oh, woe is me,” I said, drying a fake tear with one of Eva’s hooves. “Abused and bullied by this awful power-hungry prince…” The glare his filly sent him did wonders for my aching heart. “At least I have someone cute to cuddle with. That helps make up for it.”

“I’d be happy to help make up for my dad’s bullying!” Skyla said. “Let me know if I need to tell mommy. She’ll punish him for sure!”

“I’ll keep that in mind. But for now, hugging someone cute and squishy will help. Want to trade places with Eva? I know the snake might be scary, but my hands are supposedly pretty nice.”

“Nav, are you making me out to be the bad guy just so you can hug my filly?”

“No, you made yourself into the bad guy by bullying me,” I replied, setting Eva down and holding my arms open. “I just saw my opportunity and took it.” The perfect filly somewhat cautiously entered my arms. I hugged her close and lifted her up. The wait was definitely worth it, as the filly was the perfect mix of adorable and soft, just what I’d expect from Cadance’s filly. “Hm, soft, fluffy, and she smells good! Maybe I should adopt her…”

“Your hands are so soft and smooth,” Skyla whispered, gently squirming around a little. “And so w-warm!”

“I’m not letting you steal my filly!” Shiny said, slapping a hoof on the ground.

“Then I’ll just borrow her for a little while,” I said, lifting her up and giving her a human-back ride.

“Your hair smells so good…” Skyla whispered from atop her new perch.

“Are you actually going to take being a godmother seriously?” Shiny asked.

“Cadance can be the strict mom. I’ll be the cool mom.” And the one to teach her all the bad habits!

“I don’t like that look on your face.”

“Shiny, don’t be racist in front of your filly!”

“Is daddy being bad again?” Skyla asked, gasping in horror. “Daddy! Why are you so mean to Lady Navi?!”

“And I try my hardest to be such a good friend, too,” I said, shaking my head in pure disappointment. “Maybe we should go play in the clouds so he can’t bully me.”

“I’ve never played in clouds before!”

“That’s not very cash money at all, is it?” I asked, looking down at Shiny. “What’s Cadance even doing?”

“There aren’t any clouds in our kingdom,” Shiny said. “And what if she falls, Nav?”

“Do you really think between me, Doppel, and Eva, that we’d let her fall? Eva even has magic, so we’re definitely fine.”

He thought for a few seconds before nodding. A moment later, his horn lit up and hit all of us. “That’s a spell called Slowfall. It makes you fall slowly.”

“That works. Smell you later, nerd.” My wings shot out and I jumped into the sky, ferrying the filly with me. Eva and Doppel followed right behind us. There weren’t a ton of clouds out, but there were at least enough to hide in. That meant we could play a wonderful game I decided to call Pass the Filly.

The goal of the game was simple: Toss Skyla to each other in the sky. She was very light, aerodynamic, could mostly fly, and fell so slowly it meant she was basically just gliding. Doppel didn’t like it at first, but relented when she realized how much Skyla loved it.

Doppel did make us all promise not to tell Skyla’s parents, though. It was probably for the best.

After some quality and very non-scary bonding time, Flo informed me that Taya had returned. My arms were starting to get tired anyway, so we decided to call it for the day and head down.

When we got to the ground, Taya and the griffin maid were looking around the back garden. Shiny and Cadance were together in the secluded gazebo, hopefully not doing anything lewd. In case they were doing something untoward, we landed behind my filly and the maid.

“Welcome home, Taya,” I said as Eva threw herself around her. “How were your classes?”

“They were… fun.” She paused as soon as she saw me and her eyes went wide. “Um… Mommy, did you know you had something on your back?”

“It’s a someone actually,” I said. “I guess she’s your godsister, if that’s a thing. This is Skyla.”

“I thought she hated you?”

“We fixed it. Basically, she can see into the future. Long story.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“I-it’s nice to meet you,” the filly on my shoulders squeaked. “I’m Princess Skyla!”

“It’s not quite the first time we met. The last time I saw you, you were still throwing things at mommy. I’m her daughter, Taya. You actually used to live with us.”

“Wait, really?” Skyla asked. “I didn’t know that! When?”

“When you were just a baby,” I said. “It was shortly after you were born. You stayed almost a year, if I remember right.”

“Wow! I don’t remember this place at all, though…”

“It wasn’t here. It was a house on the land we’re about to visit.”

“Huh… Why did we move out?”

“Because the reason you moved in disappeared. Basically, your mother was afraid of something and came to me for protection. She brought you along just in case.”

“What about daddy?”

“He didn’t join you.”

“He abandoned her when she was afraid?!”

“That’s right,” Taya said with a fun smirk. “She was forced to rely on us for help. Sometimes, she even seemed scared of Shining Armor, too…”

“D-does he bully mommy, too?!” Skyla shouted, possibly doing permanent damage to my ears. “He was being mean to Lady Navi earlier even though she was being super nice!”

“I don’t think any of us know the answer to that question,” I replied.

“So… were you protecting me from my dad?”

“No, from someone else,” I said. “But don’t worry about it. Your mother isn’t scared anymore. Or if she is, she hides it very well.”

“...I gotta find out if daddy is bullying her,” Skyla whispered, glaring at the gazebo.

“So, Taya, you want to go check out the land we’ll be turning into our village?” I asked.

“Yes, but I’d like to get some things first.”

“Go for it. The royals are coming with us, so I’ll go make sure they’re ready.”

“I’ll be back down soon,” Taya replied with a nod. Eva finally released her and backed away, still beaming.

“And you need to get into a proper outfit for the occasion,” Doppel said, looking me up and down. “Eva and Skyla can go let Shiny and Cadance know it’s about time to go.”

“If you insist,” I replied with a sigh. I passed the filly one last time, this time gently draping her across Eva’s back. “Hopefully we’ll be down soon.”

“We will,” Doppel said, gently tugging one of my wings. “So come along, my lady!”

Before I could follow along, Taya’s horn lit up and the three of us teleported upstairs to my room. I wanted to thank her for saving me the trudge up the stairs, but Taya tossed me onto the bed and jumped onto me before I could say anything. She immediately got hoovesy, patting me down and sniffing me in random places.

“Taya, what are you even doing?” I asked after a few awkward seconds.

“That filly was in my spot!” she huffed. “I gotta make sure you didn’t go too far!” Finally, she used magic to grab my hands and smelled them both before licking each one. When she was satisfied, she smiled, nodded, and hugged me. “It’s not too late, you haven’t even rubbed her belly yet…”

“I don’t think I’ll ever go too far with a filly,” I said. “Are you sure you don’t just want to get your scent all over me?”

“Marking my territory is just a side benefit,” she replied. “I’m all done, mommy. You can get dressed.” She slid off the bed with a smile. “There may be a new cute and adorable filly for you to play with, but don’t forget about your favorite!”

“There’s no reason for you to be jealous of someone else’s filly. After all, you’re mine. I’m just borrowing Skyla.”

“You’re right, of course,” Taya said, looking almost guilty for a moment. “But I still gotta check, you know?”

I really don’t know, actually. “If you say so.”

“Ugh, it’s because you’re such a loose woman, mommy. If you were more loyal, I wouldn’t have to worry!”

Wow, slutshamed by my own filly. “I definitely don’t plan on doing anything to Skyla that you need to worry about.”

“You already gave her a humanback ride!”

“Why is that something you need to worry about?”

“Because it’s my spot!”

“They’re my shoulders. I can lend them to whoever. Besides, you can’t deny that Skyla is almost optimally cute.”

“It’s because she’s smaller, isn’t it?! Ugh, I knew I should have become immortal sooner!”

“Taya, stop being silly. We need to get ready to go.”

“Celestia knows shrinking magic, right?” she muttered as she walked to the door. “I’ll have to have a talk with her…”

It was good to see her getting along better with Celestia, but I’m not sure if shrinking herself was the best way of going about it. That was a problem for future me, though, as present me was currently being surprised by Cadance. She just teleported in my room right as Taya closed the door behind her. And she was wearing quite the scary smile, too.

“Nav, what exactly did you tell my filly?” she oh-so-sweetly asked.

“We just played a little in the clouds,” I replied with a shrug.

“Why is she asking if my husband is bullying me?”

“That seems like a question for a family discussion.”

“It only popped up after she spent just a few minutes alone with you!”

I feel almost like I’m being accused of something. It hurts a little, if I’m honest. “Doppel, back me up here.”

“Shiny was being mean to our lady. Eva asked him to stop. Your filly told him to stop bullying Lady Navi. Later, we mentioned that she used to live in the house near the Everfree with us. When she asked why, we told her it was because you were afraid of something and hiding with us for protection. Then she asked if her dad was there and we said no. I’m not sure where the connection about him bullying you came from.”

“...Shiny accused you of trying to turn her against him.”

“That’s hurtful.”

“You don’t sound hurt.”

“Because it’s something I’ve come to expect by now. Anyway, Doppel is going to change me into something more presentable, then I’ll be ready.”

“I wasn’t done talking about this, actually,” Cadance said. Her grin took a few hits and her eyes were starting to look a little more fierce. “I heard you took my filly playing in the clouds.”

“With Shiny’s permission, yes,” I replied.

“What did you do up there?”

“We were helping Skyla practice flying,” Doppel replied. “Since Shiny was so generous as to give her a spell of slowfall, she had an easy time of it. She also definitely seemed to enjoy it.”

I guess you could look at the hit new game Pass the Filly like that, if you tilt your head a certain way. “If you’re this overprotective with us, how are you going to be once she starts getting friends?”

“You’re hardly a normal friend. The coma seems to have changed you, but I worry about what strange ideas you might plant in my filly’s head. Ideas about her father being a… bully.”

“Then he shouldn’t be mean to me.”

“We did tease him a fair amount today, and you called him inferior to his face. Then Hera said the same thing later. Surely it wasn’t anything that bad.”

“Bullying rarely is. That reminds me, though. Doppel, would you be willing to show Cadance the tentacle monster?”

“With pleasure, my lady,” Doppel replied with a wide grin. “Behold, my mostly final form!” Her entire body transformed into a ludicrously lewd-looking tentacle monster. She wasn’t even trying to hide that each tentacle ended in a different kind of cock. The variety was as impressive as it was terrifying.

“W-what… What is this… this absolute masterpiece?!” Cadance shrieked, gripping onto my shirt and shaking me. “Nav, how long have you been keeping this a secret?!”

“You slut.”

“I wear it with pride, just as you taught me. At least, you know, privately. So, spill the beans!”

“This is a tentacle monster,” I replied, pushing her hoof away from me. “It’s something from porn in my world, not a kind of creature that actually exists. But with changelings, all kinds of abominations are possible. I first tested it against Moonbeam. She enjoyed it, but made me promise never to do it to her again. Doppel is trying to learn how to control the form for her own reasons. This is actually the first time I’ve seen her version. It sure seems… intense.”

“There has to be a reason you brought this up while talking about Shiny and bullying.”

“While he was being mean, I came up with a way to improve his dreams. With that in mind, I decided to show you this. It shouldn’t be hard to summon something like it, don’t you think?”

“Now that he knows the dreams are real… and now that we convinced him they’re his own desires… Maybe we should have a dream about getting captured by changelings?”

“I did my part by showing you the tentacle form. What happens next is in no way connected to me. Doppel, you can turn back.” Thankfully, she changed back to her normal cute form. “Thanks for the demonstration. Though if I’m honest, I kinda never want to see that form again. It’s not very appealing.”

“It’s still just a rough draft,” Doppel said with an earnest smile. “I intend to practice with Princess Gilda and King Aspen.”

“I would be very interested in hearing the results of your practice,” Cadance said with a wide grin. “And… I might be able to convince Shiny to let you practice with us, too.”

“Larger sampling sizes are always better,” Doppel said, her smile deepening. “After all, I have to perfect it before I can use it on my primary target.”

“I don’t think Moonbeam will agree to that,” I said.

“Moonbeam is also not my primary target, my lady,” she very happily replied.

“Anyway, I still need to get ready. Are we done talking about how Shiny abuses you?”

“For now,” Cadance replied with a nod. “But since I’m already up here, I’ll help you pick an outfit! What are sisters for, right?”

“...Do what you must. I surrender myself to the hands of fate.”

“If having Cadance around makes you this pliable, I might ask her to help dress you while she’s staying at the house!” Doppel said, her smile taking on a more smug nature.

“It would be improper to take up too much of a princess’s time while she’s on vacation,” I said.

“This princess doesn’t mind at all! In fact, I insist you let me help! Just spending a few minutes locked up together has given me all kinds of fun ideas for Shiny…”

Ah, so this is hell, huh? Is this zen-like feeling hopelessness? Or despair, perhaps? Or maybe it’s just acceptance. Somehow it all feels so nostalgic. “There are only so many hours in the day, so we need to get going,” I said.

“Right, let’s doll you up!” Cadance said, using magic to open all the drawers and closets. She seemed to coordinate quite well with Doppel, at least when it comes to making me suffer. The two of them pulled out skirt after skirt and dress after dress before finally deciding on a long, flowy sundress. I was no longer as confident wearing them as I was when I was mostly flat, if I’m honest. With the curves Hera forced on me, I was always worried something might pop out.

But they wouldn’t have cared even if I did point it out, so I just went with it. And it’s not like I really cared if anyone saw my body anymore, so it was really more of a mild annoyance than anything.

By the time we finally got downstairs, everyone else going with us was waiting in the sun room. With all the delays I went through, it was only a little bit disappointing. Shiny was glaring at me, probably because Skyla was staring at him suspiciously. I’m used to Shiny’s glare and it wasn’t all that harsh anyway, so I easily ignored it. Besides, my attention was currently captured by my two daughters, who were once again in human bodies. Rocksy was chilling at Taya’s feet, but Skyla didn’t seem to pay him any mind.

“So, is everyone ready to go?” I asked with a smile.

“What, no comments at all?” Taya asked.

“You both look very cute,” I said, reaching out my hands to boop them. “But you really don’t need to do this.”

“Nope, we just want to!” Eva replied, taking one of my fingers in her hand.

“Hm… I know that spell as well, actually,” Cadance said. “Maybe we could all go as humans?”

“That would feel really weird, if I’m honest,” I said. “Besides, we’re all ready to go. If you wanted to turn your family into humans, we’d have to spend time finding clothes for us all. As humans, Cadance is taller and slightly thiccer and Shiny would probably be taller and broader, so my clothes wouldn’t work. Going without would leave you open to the ravages of nature, like mosquitos, tics, chiggers, and grass that breaks off into your feet.”

“Wait, is being a human really that bad?” Shiny asked.

I lifted the hand Eva was grasping and poked her arm a few times. “See how soft we are? The rest of our body is the same and completely furless. We have no defense against nature.”

“Wait, why is your body furless?” Eva asked, finally pulling her hand back and pressing it against her crotch. “Taya’s has it growing here and there!”

“It’s a long story that involves fire. Don’t worry about it. Since we’re all here, shall we get this show on the road?” Why am I always the one stuck herding these fae?

“Where exactly are we going?” Taya asked.

“Our manor next to the Everfree. That’s where we’ll start.”

“Give me a moment…” Taya closed her eyes and her horn lit up. A few seconds later, it became uncomfortably bright and everything around us shifted and went very dark.