Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Nine

Celestia did not show up to cook breakfast in the morning. At first, I wasn’t sure if I should be happy that she wasn’t there or upset that I couldn’t have more of her cooking. Then I realized the cooking was how she was trying to tame me, so I did my best to be happy she wasn’t there instead.

The new maid had plenty of time to learn what I could and couldn’t eat, so I got to have a perfectly normal breakfast instead. It wasn’t made by a cheating princess with too much time on her hooves, but it was still good enough.

I volunteered to walk my filly to school, but she reminded me that it was improper for someone of my standing to be out walking. That probably meant she was ashamed of me, but there was no way for me to call her on it. Since she was already tired of me, I let her have her way and go with one of the night guards instead. Just about everyone else left for the bunker. Most of the remaining guards were drafted by the maids to help with the garden. All of that meant the house was quiet again.

Good things never last long, though. Someone very enthusiastically started knocking. To get out of hard labor, Doppel had volunteered to watch over me as I sat in the sun room reading. She went to get the door while I tried to put myself in noble mode. I had gotten a lot of experience yesterday with the king and the captain of the guard, so it wasn’t difficult to put myself back in that mindset.

All my effort was wasted, though. I barely had time to see Cadance and Shining Armor before I was attacked by a vicious hug that almost sent me out of my chair. When I looked down, I discovered Eva attached herself to my body and appeared to be drowning in my new chesticals.

I picked her up and hugged her at a better angle, so she could actually breathe. “It’s good to see you all again,” I said. “If you’re hungry, feel free to borrow some love.”

“I’m not all that hungry, but your love tastes the best!” Eva replied as she started sucking on me with her horn.

“Nav, your hair is gorgeous!” Cadance said as she got closer. “Please tell me those flowers are natural!”

“They are,” I said. “You’re welcome to smell them, but please don’t take them. That would hurt.” Cadance started giggling as she got close enough to sniff me.

“Nav, you really… look different,” Shiny said. “So you actually cut off your wings and tail?”

“And grew them back all plantlike, yes,” I replied with a nod. “The wings actually phase through clothes. It’s great, I love it.”

“You look like a fairy demon!” Cadance said. “But you smell like a fairy princess, at least.”

“I’ve gotten fairy princess a lot, but fairy demon is a first. I guess it’s the eyes and the tail?”

“One of the runes on my hooves allows me to detect poison,” Cadance said, looking down at my tail. “And I can sense a very lethal dose of it coming from the tip of that vine of yours. That is why I said fairy demon.” I lifted the tail up for her and shot out the spike. “It doesn’t look poisoned… Hm, let me see.” Her horn lit up and the base of the spike started glowing. “Oh? Maybe it only releases poison when it strikes something?”

“Like a wasp stinger?” I asked.

“Indeed, that would be an apt comparison, looking at you,” she said. “Be careful with this tail of yours, Nav. If you ever poke someone on accident, it’s entirely possible they’ll die.”

“I wish I knew that yesterday before I used it on a king, but he survived with no issues.”

“You stabbed a king with your tail?” Shiny asked. “Wait, where did you even find a king around here?”

“It was the deer king, and I just threatened him with it. You know, graze his skin a little and comment about how easy it would be to stick him with it. Nothing too unreasonable.”

“That sounds pretty unreasonable, actually,” Eva said from her new position in my lap. She had taken on the form of a corgi, so I was rubbing her fluffy tummy.

“Well, this is Nav we’re talking about,” Shiny said. “We never told you about his first meeting with the griffin king, did we?”

“It wasn’t my most diplomatic moment, but it ended well. I don’t see why you’d complain.”

“You called him what amounted to penis face,” Cadance said. “If anyone in the room actually understood what you said in that human tongue of yours, things might not have ended so well.”

“He started it. It’s not like there’s anything special about the griffin king anyway. At least most of the Equestrian royalty were alicorns, which are superior models in every way to normal ponies. Then there’s Moonbeam, who’s a super special changeling mutant. The griffin king only has blood or whatever as his source of authority, and blood is easy enough to shed.”

“Did you just call me inferior?” Shiny asked.

“Is this the hill you want to die on?” I asked. “Because I can give you an answer, if you want.”

“...You’re right, I retract my question,” he replied.

“It doesn’t matter if the griffin king is special,” Cadance said. “He’s still recognized as the king, so if you upset him or his loyal subjects, you could have been hurt.”

“Not while you and Shiny were with me. If they did anything untoward with a normal Equestrian ambassador, Celestia might be lenient. But if they did anything to the escort of one of the princesses, or to the princess herself, Celestia would bring the hammer down and gain herself another vassal state.”

“Does hiding behind Celestia or Cadance make what you did any better?” Eva innocently asked.

“No, it’s just a rationalization. Anyway, enough about the past.”

“I actually have more questions about the past,” Cadance said. “Why were you threatening the deer king?”

“He asked me to.”

“The king asked to be threatened?” Eva asked. “That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s weird,” I said. “But sometimes, adults are weird.”

“That answers a few of my followup questions as well,” Cadance said. “I guess I might as well ask how and why you met him, too. Not even I have met any of the deer kings. Even the lord of the reindeer is ignoring my missives, despite how close they live.”

“Fleur set up the meeting to discuss the pageant. We met with the deer to convince them to send a representative. They agreed to. And you’ll get a chance to meet the deer royalty as well, since they offered to attend.”

“It’s actually really shocking that they’d agree to come,” Shiny said. “Deer rarely leave their enclaves in groups. They usually send out widows every now and then for things they can’t make themselves.”

“Why widows?” Cadance asked.

“Deer are assigned partners for life at birth,” I said. “The buck and doe grow up together and spend literally all of their time around each other. If you ever see a single deer, it’s very likely that deer is a widow.”

“W-wait… Really? That doesn’t seem right at all…” Cadance said.

“Don’t even get me started on the deer,” I said. “Long story short, they’re creepy and evil. Anyway, that really is enough about the past. So, how are things?”

“Shouldn’t we be asking you?” Shiny asked. “How was your coma?” Didn’t I already say enough about the past?

“It was cool. I got to see all kinds of conversations about me that happened behind my back. Things like plans to order me to move to Canterlot for observation purposes and how to forcefully move into my home. And Taya joined me midway through, where we got to hear all kinds of people talk about how she was scary and creepy.”

“Who could think Taya is scary?” Eva asked. “She’s so cool!”

“It’s truly a mystery,” I replied, idly gazing at Cadance. She happened to be looking away and blushing at the moment, for some reason. “I also got to talk with my emotions, which was kinda cool. They were based off people I knew. You were one of them, Cadance.”

“Not me?” Eva asked.

“I’m afraid not. Available slots were limited.”

“Was she love or something?” Shiny asked.

“No, that role was taken by someone else. Cadance was passion.”

“Really?” the mare herself asked. “Who could beat me for the place of love?”

“Moonbeam, obviously.”

“That bug?!” Shiny shouted, probably more out of surprise than anger.

“...I don’t know how to feel about that, if I’m honest,” Cadance said. “It actually hurts more than I thought it could… Who ever would have thought this is what it would take to finally make that woman my rival?”

“It makes sense, if you think about it,” I said. “Who knows more about love than the one who’s spent six thousand years doing everything in her power to obtain it? You may be the love princess, but Moonbeam deserves the title of love queen.”

“I have to up my brand power, then!” Cadance said, stomping her hoof. “After numerous experiments on Eva and the others, my love magic is better than ever!”

“Define experiments,” I… gently replied. For some reason, Cadance’s expression iced over and Shiny took a step closer to his wife.

“She feeds me all kinds of love and I tell her which is tastiest,” Eva replied. At some point, she had turned into an even softer and fluffier cat, and was kneading my lap as I pet her. “I really enjoy experimenting with love all alone with the princess!”

“Oh, that’s good,” I said. The two royals quickly calmed down, for whatever reason. “Although I wouldn’t recommend wording it that way. There might be misunderstandings.”

“‘Kay.”

“So, where’s Skyla?” I asked.

“Ah, I knew we were forgetting something!” Shiny shouted, looking quite alarmed.

Cadance kneed him in the side, thankfully. “Even as a joke, that’s a little much.”

“You have to go all in if you want to get a reaction out of Nav,” he said, rubbing where she kneed him. “She’s sleeping, so we left her with the luggage.”

“Wise. If she sees me, she’s liable to start crying.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve been training her,” Eva said. “I taught her very thoroughly that you’re an amazing hero, not someone to be afraid of.”

“Is that… really okay?” I asked, looking over to Cadance. “She’s corrupting your filly with that nonsense, isn’t she?”

“I don’t see any reason not to tell our filly the truth,” Cadance replied with a shrug. “Don’t worry, Navi. She shouldn’t be afraid of you anymore!”

“Well, here’s hoping, I guess…”

“Where’s Taya?” Eva asked. “I want to pounce on her, too!”

“Taya is taking classes at the unicorn tower today,” I said. “She’ll be home in a few hours. Just about everyone else is at the bunker today, working to excavate it.”

“They’re making good progress, too,” Shiny said. “Well, the exploration team. Zecora’s progress is slow, but doing it the right way is apparently better than securing an easy source of incredibly potent magical energy. But then, the exploration team does have both Luna and Kat.”

“Yes, the two powerful problem children,” I said with a smile. “I’m grateful they’re in the bunker instead of here. Anyway, how long are you planning on being in town? And where are you planning to stay?”

“We plan to stay until the pageant is over, though we might hop back using a teleport circle to check on things,” Cadance said. “And we didn’t even let Celestia know we were coming. We were hoping to stay here…”

“I don’t mind, but is it really fine for another royal to stay in Canterlot without letting the person in charge know? And besides, you might hurt Newlestia’s feelings.”

“Does it matter what your pet thinks?” Shiny asked.

“She isn’t my pet. Have you not spoken to her yet?”

“Not directly,” Cadance said. “I think the first time she reached out to me was when you woke up, to ask me to set up another meeting between factions.”

“Her emotions seem much more sincere now. She actually seems to care about people and how they treat her and think about her. If she finds out you’re here and that you just couldn’t be bothered to greet her, she might be upset.”

For some reason, Cadance seemed more crestfallen than I would have expected. Shiny’s smirk didn’t help. “Getting schooled on etiquette by Nav, huh?” he said. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“W-what did you do with the real Nav?” Cadance hissed, glaring at me. “Nav is never considerate, especially not toward Celestia!”

“Are you sure you’re talking about my mommy?” Eva asked. “She showed a lot of consideration when she helped me, took me in, had me educated, and then adopted me. The others also think you’re exaggerating. Didn’t she help both of you, too?”

“Being helpful and kind isn’t the same as being considerate,” Shiny said. “I mean, Nav is the kind of person to openly discuss someone’s embarrassing fetishes around their family and colleagues, all while acting like she did nothing wrong. Since when did she start caring about anyone’s feelings?”

“On the way to Gryphus, she said all kinds of unpleasant things to me without batting an eye,” Cadance added. “Things that shook me to my core, things that damaged my innocent heart beyond repair… They just fell out of her mouth without a single pause or hint of emotion. And now, this?”

“The two of you team up at the strangest of times,” I said, shaking my head in disappointment. “Aren’t you being just a little too mean to me?”

“Not by half, no,” Shiny said. “If we really wanted to be fair, we could come up with several more examples.”

“...Then let’s just say that the coma helped me realize the error of my ways and leave it at that. I don’t mind if you guys stay here as long as you’re fine with not having the largest of rooms, but you at least need to pay Celestia a visit.”

“And of all the people you ask us to be considerate of, it’s Celestia,” Shiny said.

“Well yeah, she’s the one you’re slighting at the moment. Oh, you should also find Twilight at some point, but I’m not sure where she is. But Celestia’s the one in charge, so shouldn’t greeting her be common sense for visiting royalty anyway? It’s partially my fault she is the way she is, so I’m doing my best to take partial responsibility for it. Reminding people that she is now equivalent to a real person instead of a toxic slime ball that destroys everything it touches is part of that.”

“That’s actually hard to imagine, now that I think about it,” Shiny said. “Celestia without being conniving and underhooved would be…” For some reason, just the thought of it made him shiver.

“Yes, if I’m not careful, she might steal Shiny away from me,” Cadance said. “We’ll meet her, but I’ll need to make sure my husband is prepared for it. All of our luggage is in the anteroom. Would you mind if we took a room so I can help him get ready?”

“Go for it. Doppel, would you show them to an empty room? Eva, you can probably stay in Taya’s room. And there’s no need for you to greet Celestia. I’ll be keeping you for myself, instead.”

“We’ll be back down as soon as we’re ready,” Cadance said. “Come along, Shiny. We have to be mentally prepared for… Newlestia.”

“She can’t be that bad,” he said.

“That’s exactly why we have to prepare.” With that cryptic reply, they finally followed Doppel out.

“So why aren’t you helping plant flowers?” Eva asked, peering out the window.

“As their lady, I shouldn’t help with such common labor. Or so I was told, that is.” I didn’t want to do it anyway, so I wasn’t complaining. At least I offered to help. “If you want to join them, I’m sure they won't stop us.”

“One of my jobs is to upkeep Cadance’s garden,” Eva said. “She only grows things for food and alchemical purposes, though, so the only pretty flowers are poisonous. But… your flowers are much prettier, mommy! And they even taste good!” She turned into a humming bird and flitted up to my hair.

While she was having fun, Doppel returned. “Cadance said they’ll probably be back soon. I believe they intend to teleport to and from the palace. It seems Eva is taking her fill. Would you like me to bring anything out, my lady?”

“Anything other than tea would be fine. Also, do you know where Rocksy is? I figured Eva might like to meet Taya’s pet.”

“The Tower allows use of magical pets, familiars, and tamed monsters in duels,” Doppel said. “Taya thought it would be good to practice fighting together, so she’s been taking advantage of it. Apparently turning screaming and crying fillies into stone is fun.”

“Good to know.”

“I’ll be back in just a moment, my lady.” Doppel walked back out, presumably heading for the kitchen.

“Whatever you’re doing back there actually tickles a little,” I said. Eva stopped to land on my head. “You change around a lot more than Doppel does. And you’re pretty good at controlling your shapes.”

“I like spending time in town as animals,” she squeaked from atop my head. “I hear all kinds of useful things!”

“Are there really that many animals up there?”

“Cadance had a bunch of pets imported, along with some wild birds. Mimeo memorized all of the animals when they were brought in on the train, so we can pretend to be whatever we need.”

“That’s really impressive. Ask if he wants a belly rub.”

“He doesn’t,” Eva immediately replied.

“Are you saying that because you’re jealous?”

“No, he’s just too shy to accept one. And belly rubs don’t really do much for changelings, so I’m not all that jealous.”

“Nothing for it, then,” I said with a shrug. It was hard to talk with her on my head, so I scooped her up and set her on the table. That’s when I discovered she had turned into a hamster at some point. “We didn’t have much time to talk the last time I saw all of you. Will you tell me what you’ve been up to?”

They all took turns doing just that. It seemed that all of them spent time helping Cadance with various tasks. They also all spent quite a lot of time reading in the library. Apparently in the library, they discovered something pretty spooky. While watching Mimeo read some boring math book, Poly, Eva, and Ganger got to talking about how they could pass the time. After some discussion, Poly asked if it would be possible for them to just use their changeling powers to grow another head. They tried it and sure enough, they can create four heads and use all of them to read different things.

Eva offered to show me, with a huge smile across her face. I felt guilty, but I had to turn her down. It sounded gross, if I’m honest.

As I expected, Cadance and Shiny did not return quickly. I knew Celestia would find some reason or another to detain them.

By the time everyone in the house had eaten lunch, Eva and I had caught up with each other. In short, the four of them were doing quite well up north. That was a shame, because I was planning on inviting them to move in, now that we had a permanent base and were building a town. I was still going to invite them later, but I wasn’t sure they would agree. Especially since I couldn’t feed them like Cadance.

Just when I was starting to think about what else to do or talk about, Cadance and company finally returned. The married couple looked quite exhausted, though the little filly trailing behind them seemed full of energy. Well, until she saw me. Skyla froze, her eyes wide. In an instant, she went from happy to terrified.

“Welcome back,” I said, trying my best not to seem scary. “How was your meeting with Celestia?”

“I feel like you could have warned us a little better,” Cadance groaned. “She really has changed, hasn’t she?”

“I think she might have been easier to deal with before,” Shiny added, hanging his head. “She’s so… innocently playful! And she doted on Skyla like a mother-in-law. Wait… Skyla?” The two of them finally noticed that their filly was a quivering wreck. She honestly looked like she was about to start crying.

Cadance immediately floated the filly over and hugged her. “Nav, what did you do this time?!” Eva jumped from the table to the floor and scurried over to Skyla in her hamster body. Soon, she was whispering to the scared filly.

“Nothing! I was just sitting here! I’ll admit I sometimes poked at her when she used to bully me as a baby, but nothing that would warrant this. I told you she hated me from the beginning. Maybe it’s pathological?”

“You were bullied by a foal?” Shiny asked.

“She used to use magic to throw things at me when she thought nobody was looking. Cadance knows, she caught her a few times! And I mean, how am I supposed to fight back against a baby? For the most part, I had to just let it happen…”

“And yet somehow, I can’t muster up any pity for you,” Shiny said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“You look very different than you used to,” Doppel said. “To the point where it’s surprising that she even recognized you, given how long it’s been since she last saw you. There are a few changelings who have extra senses, things that allow them to see auras and the like. Maybe she has something similar?”

“Eva has turned into Nav in front of her before and it’s never been a problem,” Shiny said. “It was part of how she tried to get her used to you. But maybe Skyla really does have some extra sense that tells her how terrible of a person you are. Nothing would make me happier if that were the case. Speaking as a father, that is.”

“I advise watching your words in our home,” Doppel very sweetly replied. “Even the ghosts haunting the place will get upset if you insult our mistress.”

“Underestimate Doppel at your own peril,” I added.

“...Anyway, you normally have no issue charming people. Stop scaring my filly, please.”

“She can talk now, right?” I asked. “Get her to fess up. I want to know why she hates me.”

Cadance finally looked up from the whispered conversation between children. “Apparently Skyla thinks that you’re evil incarnate. Nav, do you swear you did nothing to deserve this?”

“Do you really think that poorly of me? To my knowledge, I didn’t do anything that bad to her. Also, how does she already know the word incarnate?”

Cadance’s eyes moved to her horn, which was clearly not lit up. After a second or two, she poked it a few times. “Huh.”

“I feel like you’re being a little too dramatic about this,” I said.

“I mean, I always figured you did something when I wasn’t looking. This is clearly unnatural, right?” Cadance finally sighed and picked her filly up. The girl was still trembling.

When Cadance started carrying her toward me, Skyla immediately began crying and screaming. “She really is terrified,” Doppel said. “I can see the fear leaking out of her, it’s so strong. Maybe Nav traumatized her in the womb or something?”

“She’d have no way of knowing it’s me,” I said. It sucked to have to speak up to be heard over the screams. “Think booping her would help?”

“I’m not going to let you corrupt my filly with your hands,” Shiny replied. “Cadance told me about all those times you… you smushed her face, whatever that even means!”

“I’ll show you what it means later, and then you’ll understand why I did it,” I said. Cadance’s face was so squishy and she looked cuter than normal when I smushed it. “I don’t think bringing her closer is helping, Cadance. Take her upstairs, calm her down, and get her to spill the beans. If it’s some kind of extra sense like Doppel thinks, it shouldn’t be hard to test.”

“...Alright,” Cadance replied with a sigh. She carried her crying daughter away, trying to sooth the filly as she went. Eva groaned and followed.

“I never expected my filly to be such a drama queen,” Shiny said, shaking his head. “I guess we’ll test it using changelings?”

“That’s what I was thinking, yeah,” I said. “Doppel can go in looking just like me. If Skyla freaks out, she’s afraid of me. If not, it’s something else.”

“It’s possible she can sense emotions, like a changeling,” Doppel said. “If that’s the case, I can understand why she might be afraid of you. To someone like us, you’re an anomaly.”

“When I first met Chrysalis, she screamed at me and said I was nothing,” I said. “My emotions are supposedly harder to sense.”

“They don’t leak at all, unless you’re feeling something very strongly or trying to feed us. I can just look at Shiny and tell he’s aroused by you, but I can’t tell anything about how you feel right now.”

“W-what…?”

“I warned you not to underestimate her,” I said. “At least she waited until Cadance was out of earshot. I’m still gonna brag to Twilight next time I see her, though!”

Shining Armor quickly retreated, doing his best to hide his bright red face.

“I actually wanted to hear more about their thoughts on Celestia, too,” I said. “Do you think we can get around Skyla’s fear?”

“All you have to do is be yourself around her, my lady,” Doppel replied. “She’ll learn soon enough that you aren’t evil.”

“Well, I guess we’ll see what she has to say in a few minutes. Can you borrow one of the maids to bake something sweet for her? That might help.”

“Bribing fillies with sweets usually does the trick, yes,” Doppel replied with a nod. “It will be done, my lady.” She rushed off to do my bidding, leaving me alone in the sun room. I sighed in relief and put my hand back on the book I had been reading.

Before I could reopen it, I felt something leaving my hand. Water quickly enveloped the book before sinking back into my hand. Moments later, the book’s contents started sinking into my mind. “I know that time is precious, but do I seriously not even have enough to read a book?” I asked.

“You are intelligent, my lady,” Darya replied in my head. “I deem there to be no problem with this rate of information acquisition.”

“If you are interested, I could impart knowledge from the laptop on you as well,” Flo said. “You always seemed against it before, but things have changed. If we’re going to be building up a domain and invading Tartarus, you’ll need all kinds of knowledge. If you don’t trust us to do everything for you, you’ll either need to be competent enough to do it yourself or you’ll need to find someone you trust more than us.”

“If I don’t trust you, doesn’t that mean I wouldn’t trust the information you give me?”

“Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be, Nav,” Flo said.

“Do I really want to be the guy with the entirety of the internet stored on his head? That said, back when we were helping Gilda learn stuff, I didn’t think you could just upload stuff to my brain. Don’t make me into Encyclopedia Brown or anything, but I wouldn’t mind knowing more.”

“Nav, the amount you know is already more than average,” Flo said. “Or at least, it’s considerably more than the ponies know. To them, you’re already basically considered a genius.”

“You know what I meant. How intrusive will it be? And can you upload fighting techniques?”

“I can upload techniques, but it’ll just be technical knowledge. Without training and experience, it won’t be worth much. As you yourself said, if you want fighting done, you have Luna. The lady’s place should be governing, which requires all manner of knowledge. And it shouldn’t be too intrusive. We could probably even upload it as you slept.”

Doppel finally returned to the sun room with one of the new maids in tow. Talking to myself would probably be seen as unbecoming, so I let the conversation drop.

“Is there really an alicorn filly here?” the new maid asked. “If so, my sister would love dolling her up!”

“There is. Unfortunately, she’s afraid of me. Think you can make her something sweet enough that her fears evaporate?”

“No, you’re too terrifying,” the maid replied, shaking her head. “But I’ll do my best anyway.”

“That’s all I can ask.” Being told I was terrifying actually hurt my feelings just a little, especially since it was someone who I hired without any coercion at all. But I guess in their minds, I was related to the fun police. Maybe it makes sense to be afraid of someone like that. Still, though… terrifying?

The maid continued on to the kitchen while Doppel remained. After a few long seconds of silence, Doppel sighed. “You don’t scare me in the slightest, my lady. Don’t worry, they’ll learn in time. They’ll all learn…”

“I hope so. Maybe one day I’ll be seen as normal here, instead of someone to be stared at or avoided. But at least I don’t have to worry about being boiled alive, so it’s not all bad.”

“You never do forget those screams,” she replied with a sigh. “The griffins are quite creative with their punishments. Most female changelings are put in a stockade and… force-fed lust before their executions.”

“Were, not are.”

“...Of course, my lady. Thanks to you, the war is over.”

“Have you given any thought to playing with their princess? Gilda might be down.”

“I would like to try it, assuming I still have your permission.”

“If you swear not to actually hurt her, I’ll allow it. Spankings don’t count, of course.”

“I’ll be sure to gag her properly, so we don’t disturb Shiny and Cadance,” Doppel replied with a nod.

“Oh, and I also recently discovered a way to link dreams together. As long as you promise not to traumatize her, I can let you play with her in her dreams sometimes.”

“I would… like that very much, my lady. However, wouldn’t it be wrong to do something like that without her permission?”

Wait, that would… That would make me as bad as Twilight! “You’re right. You can ask permission from her if you want and if she agrees, I’ll do it.”

“Didn’t you already do the same thing to Shining Armor?” Darya asked in my head.

No, it doesn’t count when they’re married.

“We’ll see how the night goes, then,” Doppel said. “She might have trouble walking tomorrow…”

“Say, Doppel…”

“Yes, my lady?”

“Flo mentioned something about you practicing with… tentacles, I believe it was?”

“Ah, yes.” The smile that came to her face seemed strangely… serene, oddly enough. “After subjecting me to quite the intense treatment, Flo informed me that it was at your request. Thankfully, she was pleased to teach me all about the form you used on Queen Chrysalis. I’ve become quite… dextrous, you could say. I’ve been hoping to test it before I could use it on its proper target. The princess will be a worthy test subject, I’m sure.”

“I’m not sure if it’ll work on Flo, your proper target.”

“Flo is not my proper target, my lady,” she sweetly replied, her smile still uncomfortably peaceful.

“You seem quite invested in this.”

“Yes, well, I was just ever-so-pleased that my lady was thinking of me while she slept. And since she was so thoughtful as to teach me a wonderful new state of pleasure, I decided I should learn to pass it on to others. So I’m going to.”

“Would you like an introduction to the king of the deer? I told him that I’d introduce him to all kinds of fun predators while he was in the city. I think he would be worthy as a proper target.”

“A king would do as another test subject, but my proper target remains unchanged.” Her eyes were starting to bore into me. It was a little uncomfortable.

“Would begging help?”

“Oh, my dear sweet lady… You know that begging only turns me on more.”

The conversation was starting to feel unsafe. “So, the pageant is coming up soon. Kat is going to be competing, so she won’t be able to attend me. Who do you think would be best to take her place?”

“Flo or Darya, maybe,” Doppel said. “Though I would also be quite happy to help. And I’m sure Rarity will insist on getting involved.”

“Well, I can at least trust Rarity to make me look good, even if her definition of good is more feminine than I’d like. How about I put Rarity in charge of dressing me and put you in charge of Rarity?”

“That might work. Are you still dreading it?”

“Yes. I’m secretly hoping I find a way to die during or after it so I don’t have to remember.”

“My lady, please keep such things to yourself.”

“That’s why I said secretly. It’s because I trust you, Doppel. Shouldn’t you be happy about that?”

“My lady, if you die, I’ll cry. Is that really something you want?”

“It’s not like I won’t wake up. Think of it as death with benefits.”

“That won’t stop me from crying.”

“Then I’ll dry your tears with a smile when I wake up. At least you’ll have that to look forward to.”

That actually made her blush. “I know quite a few women who would be jealous about that, my lady.”

“Most of them probably wouldn’t wait by the tree’s side, day and night, waiting for me. Although, please don’t actually do that. I think it’s supposed to take around two weeks, so maybe start keeping watch after ten days.”

“We’ll be keeping a constant vigil, of course. The entire nation would be in mourning at the loss of its hero. Thus, it should not be surprising that there would be many who would gather to wait.”

“Please don’t. I’ll probably be all wet and naked. I also likely won’t know what’s going on. Anyway, let’s stop planning for failure. Do I have any important noble-like things I should be doing?”

“Not that I’m aware of, but I’m sure you could quickly put a tea party together.”

“I’ll pass on anything involving tea, thanks. In fact, you know what? Get me a map. It’s time to plan a conquest of Mexico. I’m going to secure a consistent source of coffee.”

“My lady, I feel there are less severe methods of dealing with this.”

“Are you saying we shouldn’t build a DMZ across the thin landmass connecting us with the spiders? Because I would very much like there to be a clear line of demarcation. It would also give us a chance to dig a canal at Panama, so we can make hella money charging fees for boats to cross it.”

“I feel like I’m missing a lot of context that I would need to understand what you’re saying.”

“Don’t worry about it. Can you find me a map?”

“...I’ll be right back, my lady,” she replied with some distaste.

Instead of returning with a map, she returned with a fancy steaming cup on a saucer. I sighed and shook my head. “Doppel, that doesn’t appear to be a map.”

“It was harder to find one than I thought. I beg of you to drink this to calm yourself while I search.”

“If that cup is full of tea, I’m going to be disappointed.”

She set it in front of me with a smile. I finally smelled something oh-so-nostalgic. It had been ages since I last had any of that bitter ambrosia. “I hope you’ll be quite appointed instead, my lady.”

“I’m quite appointed indeed, thank you,” I replied, sipping upon the coffee. “I’ll be even happier with the map, though.”

“My lady, if you just want to conquer Mexico for the coffee, there’s no need. Jonathan has provided us with some.”

“I provided two other perfectly valid reasons. Isn’t testing our new magitech army before we try sending it to Tartarus a good idea? Plus, I can barely remember the last time I had a banana. Florida is too inhospitable for most ponies, so they’re hard to come by here. But if we owned land that far south, we could grow all kinds of fun crops. At the very least, we need to survey those lands. From everything I’ve heard, all we know is that Mexico is loosely populated by dogs. Everything further south is a mystery.”

“Is conquering really your first go-to step? Can’t you try talking to them first?”

Where’s the fun in that? “I guess we can do that in the exploration phase. So, do we just, like, not have a map?”

“We do not, my lady. I hadn’t realized plotting world conquest was on your list.”

“Oh, it’s not. I’m not going to touch South America with a twenty kilometer pole. Iceland is also strictly off limits. Most of what used to be the United States and Europe is in Celestia’s grasp, the griffins have Canada and some land somewhere in Europe, the dogs have some kind of centralized government in China, and there are various city-states in Africa. However, there are also large parts of this world that are uninhabited. If we want to get this gravy train rolling properly, we’re going to need a higher population. That means more landmass under our control.”

“...Gravy train? Again, I think I’m missing some prerequisite knowledge to understand this conversation.”

“Well, I guess only a true southerner would know the effort it takes to make real gravy. Point is, more cities means more goods being produced which means more wealth and prosperity. Especially for me, since I’ll have my fingers in all of them.”

“You never seemed so preoccupied with wealth before, my lady. Did something change in the coma that made you greedier?”

“In a way, Doppel,” I said, leaning back in my seat. “Money is a means to an end, the end being power. After all, being weak and powerless is not wise in this world. I already happen to have a large chunk of money from a few small errands in the past, so I intend to use that money to make more of it. I’ll set up infrastructure and create businesses, which will give me even more power. Eventually, I’ll be too important to be hurt without major consequences.”

“You’re already listed as an endangered species. Attacking you carries an even heftier sentence than usual.”

“Not for royalty,” I replied, my eyes going to Cadance. She was just walking back in. “How’s your filly?”

“She calmed down pretty quickly when she lost sight of you,” Cadance said with a sigh. “We had Eva pretend to be you for a few minutes and Skyla had no reaction. We tried asking her what was wrong with you and she just started trembling.”

“Well, staying in the palace is an option.”

“With Celestia like that…?”

“If you need a break, push Skyla off on her and come here.”

“Solving the problem is a better plan. If we can’t get Skyla to tell us what the problem is, could we use an elemental to read her mind?”

“Your husband is also capable of reading minds. But yes, that would be possible. Darya, would you be willing?”

“Yes, of course.” I reached over to boop Cadance. Darya slid out of me and onto her.

“This is Darya,” I said. “She’ll be looking into your filly’s mind. Go deliver her. I’ll come up in a few minutes.”

“Right. Thanks, Nav. Also, please don’t show Shiny my smushy face. It’s… embarrassing…”

“You never seemed to mind me seeing it.”

“Well, I don’t want Shiny seeing it!” She huffed and trotted off, trying to hide a blush.

“My lady, should you really be touching the face of a married mare?” Doppel asked.

“I don’t see why not. I mean, it’s just Cadance. You want to come with me to poke Skyla a few times?”

“Yes. Skyla happens to love me, especially after all those times I foalsat her. You know, perhaps she hates you because you poke her so much?”

“No, she hated me from the instant I met her. At least she isn’t trying to hurt me now. She might actually be powerful enough to do it.”

“It really is a mixed bag with you. People seem to either love you to death or hate you. Serving you is always so interesting!”

“I’m glad I meet your approval. How long do you think it’ll take to bake anything?”

“Longer than you should keep royalty waiting, I believe.”

Do they really count as royalty if they’re bumming a room from me? “Well, whatever.”

“Shall I at least bring up tea, my lady?”

“We’re not barbarians here, Doppel.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Do you really want to give an alicorn coffee again? Don’t you remember what happened the last time?”

“...Maybe I should ban tea in this house?”

“How many times do you want to make me sigh, my lady? A part of me had a feeling you might start getting difficult about this, so I came up with a plan. Do you trust me, my lady?”

“Enough to tell you some secrets, yeah. Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Then would you trust me to bring up a tea that you’ve never had before, something that might actually make you smile?”

“I’m skeptical, but listening.”

“Sunset Breeze has a friend in Canterlot who spent a lot of time in the far east, beyond the lands of the dogs. They have a drink there that’s somewhat similar to sugary and milky coffee, but it’s a tea. She says there’s a hint of spice to it, but I can’t taste anything so I have no idea. But I bet you’ve never had it in Equestria before!”

“Sounds like chai tea. Ginger, cloves, cinnamon, a few other things?”

“Wha—My lady, you’re the worst! How am I ever supposed to surprise you?!”

“Well, I’ve never had it in Equestria before. I’ve only tasted it in the fake memories implanted in me. I wonder how it’ll match up? Chai tea is more than acceptable, Doppel.”

“...Chai tea is a better name than the one she gave me. I’ll have some prepared. We can go up when it’s done.”

“Thank you.”

“I live to serve, my lady,” she replied with a small bow. She finally departed, once more completely calm.

Doppel better not be going crazy. She’s one of my last lifelines.

“You can be a difficult lady to serve sometimes, Nav,” Flo replied. “Give her a few moments to act undignified.”

If she can’t keep it together, there’s no way you can expect me to. So, what do you think is wrong with Skyla?

“I’m inclined to believe Doppel’s theory. You are, after all, a literal spawn of the devil. If she can sense things like that, it’s obvious that she would be terrified.”

She’s not quite as cute as Blossom, but she might get there with some training. We have to get her to like me so I can pet her!

“Not because she’s your god-daughter?”

“Oh, I forgot about that.” It surprised me enough to even make me speak out loud. “Well, that’s another good reason, though it’s less of a priority.”

“Right, because petting her is obviously more important.”

“Duh.” Get it together, Flo. You’re supposed to know me in and out. If that is the case, do you think she can be convinced I’m not a threat?

“I’m not sure if she can be convinced, but a water elemental could probably change her disposition toward you manually.”

“As long as she isn’t terrified, I think I can work with it. How is surveying the land going?”

“Well. Darya and I are in the process of tilling fields. We’ll begin planting crops soon, then we’ll work on an irrigation system. There’s a river flowing not too far from the town.”

“Impressive. I’m not sure if there’s anything an elemental might desire, but tell me if you ever want some kind of reward.”

“I would like a promise, if you are willing to give it. Promise that once you have enough power to be safe, you won’t endlessly hunt for more.”

“I promise that I have no intention of going crazy in the pursuit of power. I’m just tired of being someone’s little bitch.”

“Well, I guess that’s good enough. Permission to toy with your body as I please would also be nice. As far as I’m concerned, you’re either as cute or cuter than Blossom. Having to restrain myself is hard and I would love to cuddle you as much as I can…”

“As long as you don’t embarrass me in front of anyone important. I guess I should also offer Darya something, too. Think she would also want access to my body?”

“I believe you should offer her a reward, the same way you offered me one. If she chooses access to your body, then that’s what she chooses.”

“Fair enough. What kinds of crops are you planting?”

“Grains, for the moment. That’s what the land is most suitable for. We’re also preparing an area for an orchard. Jonathan will help us with the trees themselves. Soon, you’ll have enough apples to make Applejack jealous.”

“That might be too many apples. But it means we can turn them into alcohol without worrying about our food situation.”

“Think she’ll be mad if we make more of her namesake?”

“Maybe. I was thinking of making apple brandy instead of applejack, though. We’ll be able to get nicer equipment now. No reason not to go straight for the top shelf. If you’re growing wheat as well, we can probably turn some of that into beer.”

“We’re also thinking of cultivating rice. That makes sake possible.”

“Sure, I guess. Think we should invent TV? Changelings might make decent actors. If nothing else, we could use it for news.”

“Yes, but that will be later. It’s better to focus on things that don’t require too much precision. Once your village has some machinery, we can start to focus on reproducing lost technologies.”

“Things might be getting lively soon.”

“Good,” she replied, making my head feel all warm and fuzzy, kinda like I had a cold.

As it happens, she finds the comparison insulting, and would like me to strike it out. I refused.

It didn’t take too long for the chai tea to be prepared. Doppel came back in with a smile. “Are you ready, my lady?”

The coffee was too divine to leave to cool, so I downed the rest in one go before standing. “Yes. Maybe I’ll finally get to cuddle that cute little filly.”

“Maybe. I know I’ll get to! I’ll ferry the tea up.” She led the way back to the anteroom, where she grabbed a small tray with tea on it and flew the thing up to the third floor. I wanted to follow her in the air, but it might make a ghostly maid come after me. That in mind, I walked up the stairs like a proper lady, hating it all the while.

By the time I got to the third floor, Doppel was already in front of the correct door. It was closed, probably so Skyla wouldn’t see me coming and freak out. The thought of having to knock on a door in my own house was a little upsetting, but I did it anyway. “It’s me and Doppel.”

The door opened just a sliver and Shiny peeked out. “She started shivering as soon as she heard your voice.”

“I’m sorry, but Cadance may have given you a defective model. Try again until you get one that doesn’t hate me.”

“Did you just call my filly defective?”

“So what did Darya say?”

He stared at me in silence for a few painfully long seconds. Finally, he sighed and replied, “That we’d have to let Skyla see you before she could tell for sure. Come on in, I guess.” Before he pushed the door open wider, he looked back into the room. His eyes widened and the door slammed shut. “Never mind, give me a moment!” Something crashed into the door with enough of an impact that I could feel it on the floor. Thankfully, that was the only noise and the door opened moments later.

“Did she try attacking me again?” I asked.

“...I didn’t think you were serious, earlier. Did she really throw things at you like that?” Thankfully, the chair Skyla hurled at the door was made of metal, so it didn’t break. I couldn’t see the damage to the door, but I’m sure Cadance was overpowered enough to fix it.

“Not like that, no. Think pens, silverware, and maybe a plate or two. Oh, and there was that one time she went for my knife, but I stopped her in time. Chairs are a first. But it looks like Darya gave her some ritalin.” At the moment, Skyla was just shy of drooling. Her eyes were completely unfocused and staring into space. Eva was cuddling her and using her magic to keep Skyla from doing anything dangerous. “Tell me, Darya. What do you see with your special eyes?”

“It seems that Doppel is right,” Skyla replied, her eyes focusing up. “There is some kind of aura around everyone except you, my lady. However, I don’t know enough about magic or auras to determine what that means.”

“That’s not quite how changelings perceive things,” Doppel said. “So we can rule out Cadance cheating with Chrysalis.”

“Well, not necessarily,” I replied. “A half-alicorn, half-changeling might perceive auras differently.”

“How is this conversation even happening?” Cadance interjected. She sounded slightly offended, but I’m not sure why. “Do you really think I would sleep with her?!”

“Well, maybe not back then,” I said with a shrug.

“Hm, that makes one of you,” Doppel whispered. Cadance’s ears flicked and she sent a short glare toward Shiny. It made him break out in sweat, but he didn’t say a word.

“So, we know that Skyla sees some kind of aura,” I said. “Is there anything around me at all, or is it just completely blank?”

“Well, there’s the snake. That might make her afraid.”

“You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know more. Is it possible for you to make her stop being afraid of me?”

“With that terrifying thing wrapped around you like that? I doubt it.”

“Maybe you guys should stay in the castle after all,” I said with a shrug. “Doppel, would you serve the tea before they start packing again?”

“With pleasure, my lady.” Doppel was quick to read the mood and began pouring tea for us at the table Skyla stole the chair from. She set the chair back in place right as I sat in it, earning her a small ovation from Eva.

“Maybe we should talk about this snake, instead,” Shiny said, joining me at the table as I sipped on the strangely nostalgic tea.

“You did well, Doppel,” I said, reaching over to pat my maid on the head. “This really is much better than it was in my fake, implanted memories.”

“...That might be a good reason for a snake,” Cadance said as she sat down. “And what kind of tea is this? It smells like nothing I’ve had before.”

“Chai tea, our lady called it,” Doppel said.

“It’s like an Indian angel came in my mouth, if you know what I mean,” I said.

“I absolutely don’t,” Cadance replied before taking a sip. “And now, apparently I do. I guess the cum of Indian angels tastes good?”

“Nav… why do you always make my wife say and do such dumb things?” Shiny asked. He honestly sounded exasperated, but I really wasn’t sure what to tell him. It’s not my fault Cadance was so cool.

“She’s best princess,” I replied with a shrug. “What can I say?”

“Hear that, honey?” Cadance asked with a smirk. “The best princess!”

“It’s not like you have much competition anymore.” Shiny finally tried the tea. It made his eyebrows shoot up. “That’s… interesting, but good. You know, most nobles offer us their best, but most normal, teas. I gotta say, this is so like you.”

“The plan was to give you coffee, but Doppel wouldn’t have it.”

“Y-you have more coffee?” Cadance asked, her eyes aglow.

“Why yes, we do. I’d be happy to give some to you as a parting gift on your way to stay at the castle, as long as you promise not to share it with Celestia.”

“Quitters never win, Nav,” Shiny said. “And do you really want to give my wife coffee again? After what happened the last time?”

“It all worked out in the end. I even got to kick a king in the balls! I mean, that’s a win in my book.”

“And I did successfully stay up, right until it didn’t matter anymore,” Cadance added with a nod. “But I do agree that quitters never win. Now that we know it’s snakes, we can teach her that some of them are friendly!”

“Not this one,” Skyla said, hopping up into the last seat. Eva was riding on her head as a small garden snake. At this point, Skyla’s eyes were glazed over with blue. Her hooves fiddled with the cup in front of her for a moment before she figured it out and drank some. “Ooh, that is interesting. And tingly! Mortals are so interesting, aren’t they? Anyway, the snake.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it,” I said.

“My lady, did your mother raise a bitch?” Doppel sweetly asked.

“I dunno, I didn’t have one. Remember, I was just created.”

“Even someone who isn’t a bitch might be afraid of this snake,” Skyla said.

“And this is why I said we shouldn’t bring Skyla around Nav,” Shiny said, shaking his head sadly. “I knew she’d pick up that kind of language!”

“So, that’s two against one, right? I guess you’re staying in the palace, then.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Shiny said. “Getting my filly over this trauma is more important than her picking up a naughty word or two.”

“I might… know a way to convince you. Doppel?” She smiled and sidled over. “I think you know what to do, don’t you?”

“Do you really expect her to seduce me?” Shiny asked, rolling his eyes.

Much to his surprise, Doppel turned into his wife. “Behold!” I shouted, reaching up my hands. The real Cadance gasped in horror as I pressed my hands against Doppel’s cheeks. Her face contorted and squished until it was all smushy and adorable. Well, even more adorable than usual.

“I-is that…?” Shiny asked, his eyes wide and full of wonder.

“Nav, I told you not to show him!” Cadance shouted.

“But it’s so cute!” Shiny yelled. “Cadance, you’re so adorable!”

“See there? My hands can be used for good. That said, fair is fair… Doppel?” I removed my hands so she could turn into Shining Armor instead. Seeing him in a maid outfit was incredibly fitting and the way Cadance’s wings shot out, she might have agreed. I chose not to think about it and instead smushed Doppel’s face all over again. It didn’t work nearly as well for Shiny, since he actually had enough training to be a little harder. It made him look kinda gross, actually, like some kind of nasty deep sea fish. “...I’m sorry, Shiny. It wasn’t fair after all.”

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

Cadance sighed and patted him on the shoulder. “It’s okay, Shiny. I still love you. And look forward to your dreams tonight! That maid dress might make another showing…”

“W-wait, dreams?” His eyes shot wide before he shot back toward me. “What did you do?!”

“Wow, way to assume,” I said. “I promise, I haven’t visited your dreams in ages, Shiny.”

“Yeah, b-but…” His eyes moved to Cadance and then back to me a few times. “Lately my dreams have been… w-weird…” Cadance was just steadily smiling and sipping at her tea.

“Weird in what way?” I innocently asked.

“W-well… Cadance has been in all of them, for one.”

“Oh my, are you blaming me for having dreams about your wife?” I asked. “And why would you consider that something to blame me for, anyway?”

“T-they’ve just been weird, alright! Can you promise that you haven’t done anything to my dreams?”

“Well… I can promise that I haven’t entered your dreams in a while.”

“A-are you saying someone else is?”

“Does dreaming about your wife really make you that paranoid?” I asked. “I mean, there are two others that I know of with powers to enter the dream world. I know Luna only does it to bust nightmares and occasionally talk with people. As far as I know, she wouldn’t enter your dreams to just act as your wife. That leaves Twilight, who probably wouldn’t either.”

“...I noticed that you avoided my earlier question, Nav,” he said. “Can you promise that you haven’t done anything to my dreams? I don’t think you’d have to enter them to do something.”

“Let me ask you something, first,” I said. “Are your dreams recently not to your liking?”

He stared in silence for a few seconds before turning away. “T-that’s neither here nor there, Nav. Did you muck about with my dreams, yes or no?”

“I’m going to go with… sort of. Cadance, would you like to explain what I did?”

“I would be happy to! So, Navi found a way to combine dreams. We’ve been sharing the same dreamspace for the last little while! Since it’s just a dream, we can do… Well, all kinds of things, really!”

“A-and… You didn’t think to ask me about this?” he asked, slowly looking back at me.

I smiled and replied, “Are your dreams recently not to your liking? I can undo it, if you’d like.”

“W-well…”

“Why would you ever wanna undo that?” Eva asked. “That sounds super awesome for a married couple! You can go on all kinds of cool dream dates!”

“We, er…”

“We have been!” Cadance said. “Why would anyone want to stop that, I wonder? I-is there something wrong with me, S-shiny…?”

“B-but those dreams are… They’re weird!”

“You almost never have the chance to spend time together while you’re awake,” I said. “Both of you seem to complain about it every time I visit. Now, you don’t have to be awake to spend time together! What’s wrong with that, Shiny? Do you just not want to spend time with her?”

“B-but… If it’s a dream, why is it she always seems to be in control?”

“Dreams imitate reality in all kinds of ways,” I replied with a shrug. “But I mean, it is a dream. What makes you think she’s in control? Maybe Cadance is just going along with the dream, too.”

“You make me seem like such a wicked mare, Shiny,” Cadance said, shaking her head in despair. “Despite the dreams being weird, can you truly say they were unenjoyable? You always seemed to be smiling and laughing, no matter where you were or how you were dressed. As long as we’re together, does it matter what desires of yours the dream pushes us through?”

“Now you’re saying it’s my fault?!”

“She loves you, even if your weird desires are forcing her to go through some strange and vague scenarios,” I said. “You should be happy about this, Shiny.”

“Our time as Mirror taught us that fetishes don’t have to make sense,” Eva said with a sagely nod. “You should just enjoy the time you have with your wife and not think about anything else. Even if she’s going through such strange things for your sake.”

“A-am I… Am I really the bad guy here?” Shiny weakly asked.

“I think you’re just the one getting ganged up on by women,” Skyla said. “Is there more tea?”

“There is,” Doppel said, appearing at her side in an instant to pour another cup for the elemental. “Perhaps we should get back to the subject at hoof?”

“Doppel’s right, enough bullying Shiny about his fetishes for now,” I said. “Until you’re willing to tell me and your wife that you don’t want to spend more time with her, I don’t see any reason to take the dream bridge down. So, let’s talk about packing. It shouldn’t take long for us to get everything back in order for teleportation to the castle.”

“You already lost that vote,” Cadance said, waving a hoof. “So let’s talk about getting her to stop being afraid, instead.”

“Wait, no, I bribed Shiny with your smushy face. That means I won.”

“You lost my vote when you formed a dream bridge without asking,” Shiny muttered.

Dammit, no wonder Cadance brought it up! I see that smirk on your face, you devil woman! “Fine, be that way. So, Darya, can you do a little snip snip in there to fix this up nice and neat?”

“What are you talking about doing to our filly?!” Shiny demanded, slapping a hoof on the table.

“Nothing that wasn’t also done to your ex-princess and to my own filly,” I replied with a shrug. “We basically rewrote Celestia and turned her into… that. And Taya and I agreed to remove a small issue she was having before it could turn into a large issue.”

“I wouldn’t want to break Skyla’s precious skill, whatever it may be,” Cadance said.

“I don’t believe I could make her stop seeing the snake or any of the other auras,” Darya said. “However, there are a few options. I can either completely remove the fear she has associated with that snake or an elemental can stay inside of her to make sure she doesn’t panic every time she sees it. Alternatively, it’s possible she can be taught that what she’s seeing isn’t actually real, but that would either take one of us inside of her to guide her or time.”

“Now that we know what the issue is, I think we know where to begin,” Cadance said. “I know you might not be able to tell, but she is old enough to talk to us. We can discuss her powers and tell her that some of what she sees isn’t actually real. Finding out it’s just an ability of some kind might help calm her.”

“Let us have our filly back for a little while,” Shiny said. “We’ll see what we can do. And now we know that if she ever starts panicking around you, we can probably show her Cadance’s smushy face to calm her down.”

“Good idea,” I replied with a nod, ignoring Cadance’s mean-spirited stare. “Then I guess I’ll turn your filly back over to you. Darya, you can follow once I’m out of sight. I’ll wait.”

“Understood,” the filly replied with a small bow.

“If there’s anything you need, let me or Doppel know,” I said, finally standing. “For now, attend to your filly.”

“There is one more thing, before you go,” Cadance said. “Shiny?” His horn lit up and I found myself frozen in place. Cadance darted forward, pressed her hooves against my face, and… nothing. “H-huh? Why?!”

“Because you have no hands,” I said, though it was hard to force out between her hooves.

“Please remove your hooves from my lady,” Doppel said, yanking Cadance’s tail to force her away from me. Cadance was too devastated to fight back and fell to the floor looking heartbroken. “And I know you want nothing more than to pin my lady down and use her, but a true gentleman should never hold a lady in place by force.” Shiny released me with a disappointed sigh.

“If your husband is looking outward, you need to be careful,” I said, eyeballing a distraught Cadance. “Celestia mentioned something about a device you use to keep Shiny faithful. Maybe you should use it more.”

“W-weren’t you l-leaving us with our filly?” Shiny quickly asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

“Don’t worry, he already knows the punishment for infidelity without my permission,” Cadance replied. “I need to learn the spell to turn me into a changeling so I can squish your face!”

“And so, I’ll leave you with your filly,” I said, finally turning my back on the royal couple. “Good luck.”