Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Thirteen

Once we were all finished with breakfast, I had Doppel fetch Athena’s book while Celestia in disguise obtained all of our offerings. I’m sure Athena had some way of magically preserving food, so Celestia was going to tap into some of her own reserves to bring in extra bacon and sausage. Shockingly enough, the bacon I had in my house was higher quality than what she was providing, so mine would be the primary offering.

“So, I heard you say we were bringing coffee with us as an offering,” Cadance quietly said as one of her hooves fiddled with her empty cup. “I take it that means you have extra?”

“I would like to take this opportunity to mention a few things,” I said. “First, coffee contains an addictive drug called caffeine. It acts like a stimulant, helping wake you up. If you get addicted to it, withdrawal comes with some bad headaches and exhaustion for a day or two. Second, as you can probably tell by Shiny’s squirming, it can affect your bladder and bowels in all kinds of ways. Less of a problem for tree sisters like me and Taya, but normies like you might have issues. And last, if you ingest too much of it, the amount of caffeine you’ll need to recreate the same effect will increase. With that all in mind, are you still interested?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes, we do have extra. I’ll show you how to make some fun drinks with it later, if you remind me.”

“It sounds pretty useful for me, so I’d also like to learn,” Twilight said. “I don’t pull as many all-nighters anymore, but I probably could if I had coffee!”

“That’s really not healthy,” I replied. “Replacing sleep with caffeine will leave you feeling more or less like a zombie. I don’t recommend it, but I also won’t tell you how to live your life.”

“...How else am I supposed to spend every waking moment with you now that you’re staying up all night?” Twilight asked.

“Magic, the same way you used to,” I said, booping her on the horn. “So, are you heading to the Zone today or are you staying here?”

“Staying here, obviously,” Twilight replied. “I really want to see the loot they’re pulling out of the area Zecora just cleansed, but spending time with family is more important.”

“The Zone is that really cool place in the crater, right?” Skyla asked. “I heard Lady Navi was the one who conquered it!”

“I was the one who led the team that conquered it, but it wasn’t just me,” I replied.

“Daddy said you were the chosen one, though, and that was why it was you who won.”

“He said that, huh?” I mused, casting an appraising gaze toward him.

He shivered a little and quickly stood. “I… I’ll be right back!” he said as he retreated. To be fair, it was obvious he needed to use the bathroom, but he clearly picked the most opportune moment possible to run.

“Well, that’s technically the truth,” I said. “The best kind of truth, if you think about it.”

“But if it’s only technically the truth, doesn’t that mean it’s really a lie?” Skyla asked.

“Yes. We were poised to conquer the place with force when the one in charge of defending the bunker recognized that I was a human. It was a secret human installation and I’m related to the one who built it. That meant I was granted permission to be there. With that, the Zone itself was pacified. The bunker underneath is still problematic, but Zecora is working on it. So I wasn’t really the chosen one, I just happened to get lucky.”

“Sounds a lot like fate, to me,” Cadance said.

“And if it’s fate, that would make you the chosen one,” Twilight said.

“Don’t think of it as fate, please,” I said with a sigh. “It’s more of a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s where I went in my journey back in time. I’m dearly hoping there will be answers down there.”

“You’ve traveled back in time, too?!” Skyla shouted, jumping up out of her seat. “I’ve only ever traveled forward in time!”

“Wait, when did you go forward in time?” Cadance asked.

“Huh? We’re all doing it automatically, aren’t we?” Skyla asked. “One second at a time. But I’ve never heard of anyone going back in time!”

“Twilight did it first,” I said, patting the named mare on the head. “I never would have even thought to try it if not for her.” I’m not that dumb, after all.

“Magic is truly amazing, isn’t it?” Twilight asked with a smile.

“Yes, yes, your element is the best,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Time travel is probably something that should be used sparsely, though.”

“Says the one planning on using it to rescue an extinct species,” Cadance said.

“Yeah, but that’s a righteous cause.”

We were interrupted by the arrival of my temporary maid. “I have come bearing meat, my lady,” Celestia said, laying several packages of it on the table. “I hope these offerings please the goddesses.”

“You and me both.” Doppel was also coming in with the book, so I finally stood. “Cadance, Skyla, are you ready?”

“I’m not really looking forward to it, but yes,” Cadance said, also standing. “Skyla, no matter what you may see around the two humans we’re about to meet, don’t panic. They won’t hurt you.”

“Lady Navi said they may try to pet me, but that I’ll be fine if I tell them I already promised her my first. But I’m ready!”

“Be careful in there, my lady,” Doppel said as she held the book up for me.

“Always,” I replied, taking the heavy load from her. “Cadance, can you take my meat?”

“Any time,” she replied, using magic to float all of the packages over. “Skyla, come stand close to us. We have to be together to go through.”

“So… what’s it like in there?” Skyla asked as she got closer.

“It’s really weird,” I replied. “Whatever you do, don’t leave the room we start in, especially without us. It’s perfectly safe where we start, but if you wander off, you might run into danger.”

“Why would your friends live somewhere dangerous?” Skyla asked.

“For protection.” Since we were finally all close enough together, I opened the book. The tentacles shot out and grabbed us and all the meat, then dragged us through.

“Whoa, that was weird!” Skyla shouted. “I’ve never seen or felt anything like it before!”

Her shout brought attention, of course. Hera appeared before me with a smile peeking out under her veil. “Welcome back, Nav. Have you brought our… Oh my, that one is sooo cute!” Hera pushed past me to get to Skyla, but Cadance stepped in front of her.

“We brought your bacon,” I said. “Along with some sausage and coffee.”

“I’m a lot more interested in that tiny pony you brought,” Hera said. “I must pet it!”

“Lady Navi already has first dibs,” Skyla replied, though it didn’t seem like she was trying to look Hera in the eye. Instead, Skyla seemed to be looking just slightly above her.

“Tch, of course she does,” Hera muttered, her smile disappearing. “You never let me have anything nice, do you, Nav?”

“I brought you bacon. The high quality stuff, too. I also brought you what you needed for Athena yesterday.”

“Not that she was thankful for it,” Hera muttered.

“She didn’t let you beautify her?” I asked.

“She did. She just didn’t like the result. Honestly, she has no gratitude at all!”

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” I replied. “Is… she okay?”

“Yes, she’s just off sulking.”

“...I understand that you may be out of practice, but surely the goddess Hera couldn’t possibly have made a mistake?”

Hera suddenly lunged forward and hugged me. Her comfy body fully pressed against mine and moments later, her lips were next to my ear. “If you ever accuse me of making a mistake again, I’m going to be looking into your eyes for a very long time,” she whispered in soft, velvety tones. “Then we’ll spend quite a lot of time together, just the two of us!”

“That sounds like a delightful and romantic date,” I just as softly replied, hugging her back. “If I knew that’s all it took to get you to confess to me, I—” Her arms suddenly pushed me back and I had just an instant to realize her face was bright red. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or embarrassment, though, as she instantly turned away with a huff.

“Haven’t you sulked enough, you ex-old hag?!” Hera shouted. “Get out here, Athena! The mortals have our offerings!”

“I already told you, I’m not sulking!” someone shouted back. I assumed it was Athena, but I could only assume. The Athena I knew had a dry and scratchy voice, like sandpaper grating across wood. This new voice… sounded very close to Skyla’s.

“Is… Is that Athena?” I muttered.

“Unlike that ungrateful goddess, I’m actually quite impressed with how she turned out,” Hera idly replied. “Mind, it’ll take her a couple of centuries to grow into it, but I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“It sounds like she’s… Uh, young.”

“I can absolutely guarantee that I do not have the ability to modify somebody’s age,” Hera said. “I can just modify their appearance.”

“Did you… make her look like a little girl?”

“That question has a very… complicated answer,” Hera replied.

“There’s nothing complicated about the word yes!” Athena shouted back, sounding almost like a little girl throwing a tantrum. “Fine! This is at least half your fault, so I might as well make my displeasure known!”

With that, a living doll appeared before me. I could think of no other way to describe her. Aside from the harsh glare on her face and the scowl twisting her lovely features, I’d think I was looking at some kind of tiny angel. Pale white skin, long and straight blond hair, perfectly clear and light blue eyes, light pink lips, and so perfectly symmetrical that it was clearly unnatural. Now that I actually got a look at her, I’d guess she would probably be around ten to twelve years old. The very frilly dress Hera picked out for her definitely suited her appearance, but it’s not something I’d ever expect a goddess to wear.

“Hera…” I slowly said, turning my gaze over to her.

“What?” she hissed.

I sent her a thumbs up. “Sorry for doubting you. Good job.” Athena immediately started growling and grinding her teeth.

“Why thank you!” Hera graciously replied. “See, Athena? I told you Nav was attracted to little girls!”

“That’s not what I meant, you pervert!” I immediately replied. “I just meant that you made her utterly beautiful and pretty beyond all measure, not that I was attracted to her!”

“How do you not see this as a problem?!” Athena shouted at me.

“Well… Why would it be?” I asked. That made her blink in surprise. “You already said you don’t care how you look. Was that a lie?”

“I… didn’t care. But if the option to change was there, why would she ever put me in this body?!”

“Hera, was the option there?” I asked.

“As I told you earlier, that has a very complicated answer,” Hera replied.

“Does that complicated answer involve not wanting someone else to have the possibility to be even prettier than you are?” Cadance asked.

“Well, Nav and I are already two bombshells,” Hera replied. “We clearly had to have a different kind of beauty, right? Now look at Athena! She’s the perfect girl: Permanently innocent, untouched by the ravages of time, a perpetually chaste little maiden tucked away, with her only suitors having to prove their worth just to visit her!”

“So what you’re saying is… you turned her into a little girl on purpose?” I asked. “That way, any potential suitors will ignore her and focus on you instead, right?” Athena’s glare was so intense that it felt like it was drilling through my skull.

“That’s a very damning accusation,” Hera replied. “I would appreciate it if you retracted it, Navi.”

“I would appreciate it if you denied it, first,” I said. “Once you deny it, I’ll retract it.”

“...Why did we get off the subject of our offerings, anyway?” Hera asked. “Let’s see that bacon!” Cadance wordlessly floated all of it over. Hera took one of the packages of meat and nodded. “Oh yes, this will do perfectly! Athena will need all the protein she can get if she wants to grow into a beautiful woman!” With that, Hera fled the scene, taking all the meat with her and leaving behind quite the awkward feeling.

“Do you see now why I told you not to get close to that harpy?” Athena coldly asked.

“...If I knew she was planning something like this, I wouldn’t have given her the blood. For that, I apologize.”

“This is half your fault and half my own,” Athena replied, her glare and scowl finally softening. “We both made the mistake of trusting her.”

“For what it’s worth… And if you care… You really are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, hands down. The little girl thing is kinda weird, but I honestly don’t see that as too big of a problem. Your new height might take some getting used to, but… Well, at least you’re completely human now, no longer mutated like me or Hera. Even your blush right now is making my heart beat faster. If you actually can grow, you’ll have her beat, hands down.”

“I suppose… it is an improvement, then,” she finally whispered, making no attempts to hide her blushing face. I guess after so long of being hideous, she was no longer used to compliments. Because of that, she immediately changed the subject. “But none of this is why you have come. We allowed our personal affairs to waste your time, so that makes it my turn to apologize. This is the filly you mentioned yesterday, then?”

“Yes, this is Skyla,” I replied, finally stepping out of the way so Athena could get a good look at her.

“Oh ho, I see she’s even cuter than I am,” Athena whispered, her eyes going wide.

“Right?” Cadance said with a smug grin. “Although I don’t really know what makes a human cute, if I’m honest…”

“Cute isn’t a word I would use for you, Athena,” I said. “Your beauty is too cold for that. Skyla has cuteness in spades, though. Oh, if you learn how to smile from her, you might actually bump up a few notches on the cute list!”

“Skyla, is it?” Athena said. “I can tell you’re not looking at me, but at what’s around me. What do you see?” Fine, just ignore my suggestion and keep being cold.

“Hm… I think that’s an olive branch? I see a gross group of snakes, but they’re smaller than the one on Lady Navi. I also see eight long spider legs peeking down from behind you, which is kinda creepy. There’s a chunk of a golden apple. Wow, there’s so much… I’ve never seen anything like this before! You and that jiggly lady are so cool!”

“Olive branch would be your gift to Athens, right?” I asked. “The snakes would be Medusa. The eight legs would be Arachne. I think there was a legend where one of the Erises got three goddesses into a fight over a golden apple.”

“You’re surprisingly well versed on us old ladies, Nav,” Athena said. It really felt weird to hear a little girl say something like that, but I’m used to much weirder these days. A legal loli barely makes me bat an eye.

“All of those things are in the past, though,” I said. “How do we determine if she sees anything that might happen in the future?”

“If you give me a few minutes, I can interview them both and come to an answer. In the meantime, go supervise Hera.”

“I think Cadance is more suited to being in a kitchen,” I said. “She’s much better at being a woman than I am.”

“I’ve never cooked meat before, though,” Cadance replied. “And there’s no way I could keep a handle on Hera, but you seem to have her on a pretty tight leash.”

“Is… is that what you think from what you just saw?” I asked.

“It was quite impressive, yes,” Athena said. “If Hera hugged any men like that, they would lose themselves to her immediately and fall under her spell. And most women would be petrified in terror. Instead, you fought her off without missing a beat. So I’ll be placing you in charge of her.”

I opened my mouth to complain, but before I could say anything, I was standing somewhere else. And before I could process my surroundings or shut my mouth, Hera shoved a piece of bacon into it. There wasn’t really much else I could do aside from chew, so that’s what I did.

It was, of course… “Delicious,” I said once I managed to swallow. “You’re as good at cooking as you are at beautification.”

“But of course!” she smugly replied, proudly placing her hands against her hips. It finally gave me the chance to get a look at her and the room. At the moment, she was wearing a dainty apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’. We didn’t seem to be in the main room anymore. This one was much smaller and decked out with the perfect girly charm. I assumed that made it Hera’s private sanctum. “I am, after all, the perfect wife!”

Cadance might disagree with that, but… “I’d believe it,” I replied with a smile. “Do you need any help? I can’t guarantee to be perfect, but I probably won’t just be in the way.”

“A goddess deigns to cook you breakfast and you ask if you can help… You’re strangely humble sometimes, aren’t you?”

“Wouldn’t it be disrespectful to let you do everything?”

“No, you should accept the hospitality of your favorite goddess!”

“Ah, I see. Then I’ll do just that, thank you.”

“You really are much cuter when you’re being obedient,” Hera replied with a broad smile. “I’ll start working on the rest, then! You can have a seat at the table.”

Before I could ask what table she was talking about, one appeared next to her massive heart-shaped bed. Two chairs showed up moments later. I’m not sure if she made them with magic or just teleported them in from somewhere, and interacting with her more than necessary was probably unwise. With that in mind, I decided to be cute and obedient for the moment.

Of course, I immediately regretted it when I sat down and magic shackles wrapped themselves around my arms and legs to keep them in place. Hera was humming a cute tune as she continued slaving over a hot stove, so I figured this was supposed to happen. Complaining would get me nowhere and fighting back would be pointless, so I just sighed and tried to make myself comfortable.

“So… did you cook for your followers back in the day, too?” I asked after a few long seconds of painful silence. I know talking with her probably wasn’t wise, but just staring felt like it might be even more dangerous.

“Oh no, Zeus never would have allowed that,” she replied. “You’re my first, Navi!”

“I’m honored…” And a little scared, but I’ve been through worse. “I guess I should ask… Is there a reason for the shackles?”

“Not in particular, no,” she replied. “It’ll be ready soon, so don’t worry!”

“If… there’s no reason for them, can’t you—”

“I told you not to worry, silly!” That didn’t help assuage my concerns, but it did tell me she didn’t really care.

“It’s just… It’ll be hard to eat, you know?”

“That’s why I’m going to feed you.”

“Ah. But that’s unnecessary.”

“No it’s not. You’re shackled, remember? How could you possibly feed yourself?” Right, of course. “There’s no need for you to thank me, but I won’t stop you!”

“You’re a most generous goddess,” I replied, doing my best to not sound sarcastic.

As she said, it didn’t take long for her to finish. I had just eaten breakfast and I wasn’t all that hungry, but I don’t think she cared that much. At some point while cooking, she removed her veil. It made my uneasiness grow as she set down a few plates of meat on the table, followed by two cups of tea. Once everything was in place, her golden eyes fixed on mine and a smile split her face. “This will be another first of mine, now that I think about it… I’ve never fed anyone like this before…”

“Did you never cook for Zeus?” Given the way her smile dipped, I probably shouldn’t have brought him up.

“He didn’t trust me enough to eat anything I ever cooked.” I wonder if she was this fucked up before Zeus married her or if being married to that brute broke her like this. Her smile came back in full force and her eyes bore down on me with an eerie glow. “You didn’t even hesitate, though. And you thought it was delicious!”

I’m also immune to most poisons and I don’t really care if I die, so don’t look too far into it. “I don’t think you have any intention of hurting me, at least not at the moment,” I replied with a shrug. “Some of your behaviors are a little worrying, but as long as there’s something I can help you get, I’m valuable enough to keep alive.”

“Yes, you understand me so well! Ah, I truly am grateful you convinced Athena to let me join her. So let me show you some of my gratitude!” She finally grabbed a fork and knife to start serving me breakfast. It was good and it’s not like I was going anywhere in a hurry, so I did my best and ate what she offered with a smile.

“This truly is wonderful,” I said. “But do you not cook for Athena?”

“Hm? Why would I do a thing like that?” she asked, tilting her head. Seeing such a cute thing from someone so beautiful really did make my heart flutter, even if I knew this woman was terrifying.

“You seemed to enjoy feeding me. I thought you might like cooking for others.”

“Well, you are special,” she replied, reaching out to boop me. “You’ve given me many firsts. I do hope you’ll give me many more…”

“There are all kinds of ingredients I can bring that you’ve probably never had before,” I said.

“Hm, I had… other things in mind. But they can wait until after breakfast!”

“Shouldn’t we save some for your roommate?”

“I didn’t cook all of it. She can cook the rest later, at her leisure. Now say ah!” She lifted up another slice of bacon for me. I continued eating, hoping that Athena would come to rescue me soon. There were all kinds of things I could imagine Hera had never done and I really didn’t want to be her first with the vast majority of them.

When the plates before me were mostly empty, Hera finally set her fork down with a sigh. After a few seconds, she sighed again, this time with much more enthusiasm. Before she could sigh a third time, I took the hint and asked, “Is something wrong, Hera?”

“It’s just… When I think about how you belong to Discord, I start to wonder… Maybe it’s best if you stay somewhere he can’t reach you?”

“I disagree,” I immediately replied.

“Now now, hear me out,” she replied, shoving the last thing on the plate into my mouth. It was an impressively sized sausage and trying to chew my way through it might end up with me choking to death. Trying to spit it out seemed dangerous, so I held Hera’s heavy and tasty sausage in my mouth as she stared at me with a big grin. “Discord couldn’t mutate you here. He couldn’t make you his, not fully. Out there, you have some manner of freedom… for now. And the chances of getting a soul are pretty low, I’d say. But if you stay here, with me…” Hera leaned in closer, her golden eyes catching the light in a way that made me catch my breath. It was good, too, as her intoxicating breath probably would have made me fall under her spell. “We could experience all kinds of things together, I think… Doesn’t that sound fun?”

She finally pulled in closer, using her luscious lips to take in the other end of the sausage. It easily slid down her throat until her lips were pressed against mine. All I could do was close my eyes and hope it would end. Sure enough, I felt her lips disappear from mine, but only for a moment. This time, the lips felt softer and I felt a tongue brushing across my own lips. It didn’t last long at all, though, and the sausage hanging out of my mouth was suddenly bitten off.

That was enough to make me open my eyes, where I saw Athena chewing vigorously. Hera was glaring at her from behind and Cadance was face-hooving. I couldn’t see Skyla anywhere, so hopefully she didn’t see me in my moment of shame.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Hera growled as she glared down at Athena.

“Eating, obviously,” Athena replied when she swallowed. She looked down at me. Or maybe more specifically, my lips. They were already chewing the remaining sausage so I could actually talk. “Hm, and it was delicious, too.” With that, Athena licked her own lips with a smug smile.

I… did not know how to feel about that, so I chose to change the subject. “So, now that breakfast is done, could you unshackle me?”

“No, I still had—”

“Of course,” Athena replied, cutting Hera off. She waved a hand and the shackles around me detached. I immediately stood and made my way to stand next to Cadance, making sure to put her between me and Hera. “I seem to remember asking you to save some for me, Hera. And yet you intended to keep it all to yourself, didn’t you?”

“I saved plenty for you! And besides, you even stole the best part!”

“We both stole the best part,” Athena proudly replied with a haughty grin. “As is our right as goddesses, of course! For now, let’s leave it at that.”

“Hmph! Then get out of my room!” Hera shouted, pointing at a random wall. Athena's smile dipped into a smirk and she snapped, teleporting me, her, and Cadance back to the anteroom.

“Nav, do you really have to do this everywhere you go?” Cadance asked.

“That’s victim-blaming,” I replied. “Now, my heart is racing. Let me cuddle your filly so I can calm down.”

“I already sent her back,” Cadance replied. “I didn’t want her to see anything x-rated when we saved you. You can cuddle with me instead, though.”

“No, little kids are best for calming down,” I replied, grabbing Athena under the arms and pulling her up in a hug. “Can you make another chair for us? It won’t take long.”

“...As you wish,” Athena replied from my arms. A comfy armchair appeared behind me, so I sat in and placed Athena down on my lap so I could pat her head in peace. “This… is definitely a first for me, I think.”

“Your parents never did this with you?” I asked.

“My home situation was… complicated.”

“Well, in my book, good girls get head pats. And you saved me from Hera, so that means head pats galore.”

“You know I’m not really a little girl, right?” she quietly asked.

“Yep, Hera mentioned that she can’t change ages.”

“That doesn’t change that shy smile of yours, Athena,” Cadance said. “So I should ask again. Nav, do you really have to do this everywhere you go?”

“Don’t be jealous, I pet you last night. Instead of complaining about it, why don’t you fill me in on your filly’s cool powers?”

“Weren’t you the one who told me to keep them secret?”

“I mean, yeah. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I guess. I just figured it would be something her godmother needed to know. It just… it wasn’t anything dangerous, was it? Pinkie mentioned that her powers contributed to her madness. I’d hate for the same thing to happen to Skyla.”

“Not all seers fall to madness,” Athena replied. “As long as Skyla doesn’t look too far for meaning in what she sees, her mind should be safe. The upside of a skill like hers is that she can stop the effect by merely closing her eyes. Cadance mentioned that Pinkie had dreams and physical responses. Prophetic dreams always lead to madness. The madness leads to the physical responses Pinkie apparently feels, things like her twitchy tail. It can also lead to direct prophecies, though those usually only come out in times of great stress or great flux.”

“What do you mean by flux?” Cadance asked.

“Pivotal times when much changes,” Athena replied. “Major battles, marriages between powerful people, political clashes… or even choosing to run away.” I felt her squirm a little on that last line, which reminded me of when Pinkie told me about the three-eyed genie. At the time, we were loading the ship up to flee Equestria before news of what happened with Luna broke out. That was probably the only time Pinkie ever gave me an actual prophecy. “It is when the dice of fate are cast and those involved in shaping the world make their plays. Those closest to the event in question are pulled along the most strongly, meaning any seer nearby will possibly tell prophecies. Sometimes they involve ramifications from the major event. Sometimes they’re completely separate. If Skyla is involved in a big event, it’s possible she could tell a prophecy as well. Those rarely lead to madness.”

“...The pageant is going to be pretty big,” Cadance replied, moving her eyes from Athena to me. “Can you help us keep an eye on Skyla, Nav?”

“Of course. And thank you for letting me use your body, Athena.” I finally lifted her off my lap and gently set her down before tousling her hair one last time. “I feel much better now. We’ll leave you to it.”

“I am happy to be of service… I think,” Athena replied. “I’ll be sure to come up with more ways to get back at you for this, too. Forcing Hera on you once just wasn’t enough.”

“...Please be gentle,” I whispered.

“Goddesses have to be firm, I’m afraid,” she replied with a smirk. “Farewell for now, Navi!” She waved at the two of us before we were suddenly standing in front of the book portal. Cadance wasted no time opening it, dropping us back off in my sun room.

“Nav, are you trying to get yourself skinned alive?” Cadance very sweetly asked as soon as we were back in the sun.

“I was shackled to the chair. I’m not really sure what you want from me.”

“And both of them?! Are you suicidal?”

“Again, shackled to the chair. And I had my eyes closed, so neither of them count. This is why I was shocked you thought I had Hera on a leash. Athena was clearly just trying to punish me. If anything, this is your fault for not backing me up. We’re supposed to work together in that place.”

“Ugh! Twilight, talk some sense into your woman-friend!”

“I am actually incredibly curious about what happened now,” Twilight replied with a warm smile. Her eyes were anything but, though, and seemed to pierce right through me. “What, exactly, didn’t count because your eyes were closed?”

“The two kisses, probably,” Cadance replied.

“And to whose chair were you shackled?”

“Hera’s,” I said.

“And why were you shackled to Hera’s chair?” Twilight asked with a sigh.

What is this, twenty questions? Give me a break. “Because she shackled me to it with magic before feeding me even more breakfast and then hinting about how she wants to keep me locked up to do things to or with me.”

“How was it?” Spike asked.

“Delicious from start to finish,” I replied. “Ten out of ten, would eat again, but only if I could go without the shackles.”

“So why was Athena punishing you?” Twilight asked.

“Because I helped Hera obtain some materials that she put to use on Athena. We were under the impression Hera would be using it to beautify Athena, but…”

“But because it’s Hera, there was a catch, right?” Twilight asked, rolling her eyes.

“Athena is now the most beautiful twelve year old girl I’ve ever seen. For reference, that’s usually the age around when humans go into puberty.”

“Isn’t that Hera’s fault for tricking you both?” Shining Armor asked.

“No, we knew better than to trust her,” I replied. “We were just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, hoping that maybe she was less of a selfish cunt. But alas, now Athena is smol. And since she’s placing half the blame on me, Athena apparently thinks I deserve punishment. Thus, the reason she trapped me alone with Hera.”

“Maybe we should throw that book into the ocean,” Twilight muttered, glaring at it.

“Denied,” I replied, sliding the book over in front of me. “Athena mentioned defense mechanisms on this book. I don’t want to find out what would happen if we submerged it in water.”

“Maybe we should study the defenses on it, then,” Cadance said.

“No, I already took a brief look,” Twilight said. “The first thing I found was a very deadly trap that would have activated if I tried looking any further, something so complex that I knew I had no way of getting around it.”

“Kat probably could, though,” I replied. “The curse she got not only made her even more insane, it also made her much better at getting through magical locks and traps. She claims to be able to break anything with enough time. I don’t know if a book would be the same, though. I also don’t think I want to risk it. The easiest solution is our current one: Abstain from going in unless necessary. Thankfully, it probably won’t be necessary for a while.”

“Nav… You can’t tell me you weren’t provoking at least some of that,” Cadance said. “And don’t you dare say it’s victim-blaming, because you’re not the victim if you provoke it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Obviously I interact differently with humans than I do with ponies. I’m sorry that you aren’t used to seeing it yet. As it so happens, I think both of them are utterly terrifying. But that doesn’t mean I have to be unfriendly, you know?”

“I have a question,” Spike said. “Cadance said you kissed them. Does that mean you kissed a little girl?”

“Yes,” Cadance immediately replied.

“Don’t put that on me,” I said. “I was in the process of recoiling in fear when Hera kissed me. Before I could do anything, Athena pulled her away and stole my lips herself. I think you’re also forgetting the part where I was shackled to a chair. And it was less of a kiss than it was… sharing food, I guess?”

“Yes, that part was somewhat strange,” Cadance said. “What kind of meat was that, Nav? It was in quite the… interesting shape.”

“It’s called a sausage,” I replied. “The inside is ground up meat of various kinds, wrapped in a skin of some kind.”

“Oh yeah, those are amazing,” Spike said. “And I guess sharing a sausage between two chicks would be kinda hot, so… I dig it, but only with Hera.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t let you pet Skyla after all…” Cadance muttered.

“I swear I’ll throw myself over the cliff in a heartbeat,” I replied. “Don’t test me, I’ll do it.”

“Nav, that threat gets old,” Twilight said, patting me on the side. “You know we’ll never let you do it, right?”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t dream,” I replied with a depressed sigh. “So where is Skyla, anyway? And Taya and Mimeo, for that matter.” Just about everyone else had departed for the bunker, so the sun room was fairly sparse at the moment.

“Taya is getting ready for classes,” Twilight replied. “She’s allowed to bring guests as long as they can cast spells, so Mimeo will be going with her for the day. And Skyla is helping Taya pick outfits.”

“Huh. So, Cadance, what are your plans for the day?”

“We’re going to see Shiny’s parents in a bit,” she replied. “We’ll play it by ear after that. What about you?”

“I have no plans in particular, but I have a feeling Fleur will be by soon to grab me. She mentioned something about doing an interview before the pageant, and we’re pretty much running out of time for that.”

“Should you really be relying on Fleur to set all that up for you?” Twilight asked.

“It’s best that a professional be in charge of my image. There’s no way I could manage it myself. Mind, I’m probably above just randomly threatening journalists now, but I’m still me.”

“Wasn’t the coma supposed to help with this?” Cadance asked.

“I can’t do everything myself. I’ve learned that it’s best to do the things that I can do rather than trying to make myself do things I hate or can’t. That said, it would probably be better if I could either get a vassal or a servant who handled it for me instead of relying on Fleur, but I don’t even know where to begin to look for someone like that. It’s hard to find ponies willing to work for nonponies.”

“You could ask Celestia,” Twilight said.

“And end up even more indebted?” I asked. “I shouldn’t depend on the princess for everything. She’s already helping me with the town and college. She also practically took over exploration of the bunker.”

“Did you really want to manage that yourself, though?” Shiny asked. “That place is pretty sizable and very haunted.”

“I at least wanted a few more fun boss battles, even more so if they’re undead. Taking the place was fun, but far too easy.”

“And did you really expect her to let one noble gain all that power?” Cadance asked. “With everything there at your fingertips, you could easily form your own nation. With all of those relics in Celestia’s hooves, they can do good for the entire world, not just you. You know, theoretically. Assuming she’s actually redeemed.”

“I mean, I was the one who captured the place. Haven’t you ever heard of finders, keepers?”

“I’m afraid it stops working like that when you become part of the social hierarchy,” Shiny replied. “As a vassal of Celestia’s, everything you consider yours technically belongs to her. That means, when you captured the bunker, you made it Equestrian property. You have absolutely no rights to anything within it, unless Celestia decides that you do.”

“That’s bullshit. I wanna hand in my title and go freelance again.”

“As if Celestia would ever let you go,” Twilight said. “Before you brainwashed her, maybe if you swore some kind of non aggression pact. But there’s no way Newlestia will ever let you out of her grasp.”

“...So that’s something else to look forward to, I guess. Man, what is it about ancient women that makes them so possessive? I mean, aside from the magical pull that subtly sways all fae around me. And, you know, the older and more powerful they are, the more they’re swayed.”

“Hm, I may have an answer,” Shiny replied. “It might just be that you lead them all on?”

“I guess it’ll forever be a mystery,” I said with a shrug. “By the way, why were you looking for a local mistress?” His eyes went wide.

“Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me,” Cadance said with a wonderfully devious smile. “All the excitement in the book knocked it right out of my mind. If you’ll excuse us, we’ll have a short talk before we go visit his parents.”

“By all means, take your time,” I replied. Cadance dragged her unwilling husband away while he shot anguished looks my way. I did my best to ignore them, of course. “Are you going with them to visit your parents, Twilight?”

“I was planning on it. After all… I need to spend more time with them, too. I would say you’re welcome to join us, but you’d probably find it super awkward.”

“Yeah, I probably would. And you, Spike?”

“I was probably going to help Celestia again, unless you needed me for something. Oh, do you want me to act as your escort today? Watching you give an interview would be kinda fun!”

Why do I have a feeling my dignity would go down even more if he was there for that? “I was hoping Kat would be recovered by then,” I replied. “It would probably be better if she went, given that she’s also going to be competing.” Although she probably won’t be awake by then, since she just went to bed.

“She’s hardly a hidden guard if she’s your only escort,” Twilight replied. “Having a big, strong dragon like Spike around would be better, wouldn’t it?”

“...If Celestia needs your help, by all means, help her,” I said. “But if you want to play hooky at work, I don’t mind you chilling with me instead. Just save any comments about the interview for after we leave.”

“Of course, of course,” he said with a smirk. “I would never want to do anything to make Countess Navarone look bad. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of ways to do that without my help, after all.”

“Thank you,” I replied. “Of course, that hinges on Fleur actually showing up.”

“I should help Doppel pick you an outfit, then,” Twilight said. “I can’t have my girlfriend going for an interview looking anything but her best.”

“Is that really necessary, though?” I asked.

“Yes,” Spike said.

“Absolutely,” Twilight added.

“Most definitely,” Doppel piled on top as she walked into the sun room. “And my lady, we have been sent a message by Fleur. She’ll be coming to pick you up in an hour and a half. Apparently she has quite the itinerary for you.”

“I’ll be gone by then, but I can still help pick the outfit,” Twilight said. “Let’s head upstairs, Doppel.”

“Of course,” my maid replied with a nod. “We’ll be back in a few minutes, my lady.”

“...Right,” I said as Twilight teleported herself and Doppel away.

“Well, I’m definitely looking forward to it,” Spike said with a big smile. “I bet you’re gonna be so cute, Navi!”

“As things currently stand, it would be impossible for me not to be cute in anything I wear. I am, after all, utterly beautiful.”

“...It sounds a lot less funny when you say it,” Spike muttered.

“You’re just jealous,” I smugly replied as I flipped some of my hair at him. “Do you pine for the days when Rarity used to dress you up, Spikey-wikey? You know, it’s possible that without me, you would be dating the perfect stallion right now!”

“...Well, my time with Fizzle was kinda fun. I don’t know about dating a stallion, but playing with one every now and then might not be so bad.”

“Talk to Braeburn next time you see him,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, he was your boytoy too, wasn’t he?”

“That’s right. Last I heard, he still wasn’t in a relationship. Although I don’t think that’s really what Rarity had in mind for you.”

“What she had in mind doesn’t matter anymore, thankfully,” he replied. “These days, all that matters is what I have in mind. It just so happens that what I have in mind happens to be listening to you, at least for now.”

“Good. In that case, can you do something for me when we get back today?”

“You want my bumpy dragon dick again?”

“Not at the moment, no. I’m in the process of making another recovery seed. I want you to head to my house in the Everfree and plant it in the backyard when it’s ready. With your speed, it should take you forty-five minutes, tops. I’ll let you rub my feet as a reward when you get back.”

“...I’ll admit that I like massaging you, but using it as a reward feels kinda stingy.”

“Is the right to lick my toes better?”

“Now you’re just being creepy. I know some stallions who would jump for an opportunity like that, but I’d prefer being able to play with your chest.”

“Maybe something material would be better. What’s the going rate for courier work these days? Is it mileage or time taken? I’m sure ten bits would cover it, right?”

“So you’re equating feeling up your chest to ten bits?” Spike asked with quite the interesting smile.

“Different people value things differently,” I replied with a shrug. “I’m not sure what feeling up my chest would be worth, but I do think ten bits is enough for delivering and planting a seed, given that it’s probably less than an hour of work.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll take it,” he said. “Gold is always nice, I guess. But if you did have to put a price on it?”

“I wouldn’t,” I immediately replied. “I may be lewd and easy to bed, but I don’t intend to sell my body for money. That said, as an absolute baseline, someone paid fifteen hundred bits for me when I was turned into a pony in Gryphus. That was with no guarantee of sex, though. I basically just had to act as his girlfriend for the day. So if I was going to set a theoretical price, it would start there.”

“Did you end up having sex with him?”

“Ladies don’t like men who ask boorish questions, Spike,” I replied.

“Right, uh huh. Well, I guess I don’t want to be disliked, so I’ll drop it. I gotta say, when I first saw you after Twilight summoned you, I never really expected we’d end up in a place like this.”

“Tell me about it. I guess it could be worse, but I certainly wish it was better. I’m also sad to say it, but it probably would have taken you ten to fifteen years to get as big as you are now, too.”

“Meat, combat, and loot do a number for us dragons,” he replied with a grin. “Being small and cute has its uses, but big and tough are better.”

“What do you mean, cute?” I asked. “You were like a pudgy overgrown lizard that occasionally breathed out toxic fumes. Gross was closer to the truth, I’d say.”

“All the better that I’m big and strong now, then,” he said with a shrug. “It means kidnapping noble ladies and keeping them hostage is much easier.”

“I think you’re supposed to go after princesses, actually. I think you could kidnap Skyla pretty easily.”

“...I saw what she did to your yard, Nav. It woke me up and I was at the window before the dust settled.”

“Yeah, but she probably wouldn’t realize she was being kidnapped if you did it right.”

“I still think kidnapping you would be much safer.”

“Even if it ends with Luna and Kat as your enemies?” I asked with a smirk.

“I’ll just offer them joint ownership,” he replied, shrugging.

“Even if it ends with Celestia, Twilight, Moonbeam, and all the elementals as your enemies?”

“That… would probably make me hesitate a little more. Besides, I’m easily holding back my urges to kidnap you. It’ll be hard for my self-control to break. You’d need to be in heat and your skirt would have to be very short.”

“I’ll be sure to keep that in mind,” I said.

We were thankfully interrupted by the arrival of my children and Skyla. Taya was actually dressed like she was attempting to be cute, which meant Skyla did a good job picking her outfit. And instead of Mimeo, it looked like Eva was back in charge. She was wearing an outfit that matched Taya’s, aside from the colors. Skyla herself was nude, minus the small tiara.

“Did you kick your brother out already?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow at Eva.

“He didn’t really want to go back to school, so he let someone else take over,” Eva replied with a smile. “Everyone decided to let me enjoy the day for some reason!”

“That was generous of them,” I replied. “The two of you certainly look adorable. Are you trying to impress someone?”

“We’re nobles,” Taya said. “Isn’t it our duty to impress commoners? Especially since our mother is a higher ranking noble.”

“She’s right, you know,” Spike said. “Most nobles, especially those with real ranks like yours, usually wear fancy clothes with expensive accessories everywhere they go. Unicorns who excel in magic like Taya usually have enchanted accessories, too.”

“Eva, Taya, if you want anything special like that, say the word and I’ll make it happen,” I said. “Luna made me a ridiculously overpowered necklace recently, so she can probably make about anything you’d like.”

“Isn’t the point of a gift to pick something out yourself?” Skyla asked, her head tilting.

“Not always,” I said. “I don’t know what magic effects my daughters might find more useful than others. Leaving it up to them to pick means getting a better, more useful gift. When dealing with very expensive things, I think that’s usually the better way to go.”

“Was it really all that expensive, though?” Spike asked. “I mean, if Luna’s the one making it, she probably provided everything by herself, and had the entire thing finished in a few hours.”

“That’s something Luna can do cheaply because she’s Luna, but that doesn’t mean I want her churning out large numbers of high-quality artifacts until she lucks out and makes one that my daughters need or like. Then we’ll be left with a lot of stuff we can’t exactly just leave lying around and that we definitely can’t just sell.”

“Wait, why can’t you just sell them?” Spike asked. “Isn’t it common for nobles to get their vassals to make money?”

“If anybody ever found out who actually made them, there would be an uproar,” I replied. “And remember who we’re talking about, here. This is the same mare who put a self-destruct button so close to her bathtub that stepping on it accidentally while getting out would be expected. There’s no telling what kind of zany effects her enchanted items might have.”

“...There’s a self-destruct button in the castle?” Spike asked. “Should we, like, tell Celestia about that?”

“This was on the moon, not in the castle. Although, again, knowing Luna…”

“Yeah, I’ll warn Celestia the next time I see her,” Spike said, nodding. “If it’s a button Luna built, it would probably just detach the whole city from the side of the mountain.”

“Don’t even say something like that,” I replied.

“Could she make me something?” Skyla asked.

“If your parents agree, sure,” I said. Fat chance of that, though. Not if Luna’s the one making it. “What about you two?”

“I guess I could fit a lot in my leg holes, but I don’t really wear much jewelry,” Eva said. “And uh… I don’t know if I’d want something from the mare who built a button to blow up the moon.”

“I’d rather learn the spell than use an accessory for it,” Taya replied. “Although… If there’s anything that can boost magic power, that would be useful.”

“That would be a question for Luna. That said, you remember some of the effects of the items in the shop where we got Athena’s book, right? Are there spells for things like completely resisting poison and disease?”

“For poison, yes,” Taya said. “Disease… Well, I know a few spells that prevent certain diseases, but I stopped learning those spells when we learned you were immune.”

“Wait, but what if you got sick?” Skyla asked.

“I learned the ones that would protect me from lethal diseases. That way, if I ever got sick, mommy could nurse me better! Unfortunately, I only got a cold once… But I got to look after mommy a lot, which was nice.”

“But you said she was immune to disease, didn’t you?” Skyla asked.

“Being an explorer comes with its own share of dangers,” I said by way of reply. “But we got off on a pretty long tangent. Are you two heading to class soon?”

“We came for our goodbye cuddles!” Eva said, darting forward to hug me. Taya gasped and hurried to take her own place against my side. I did my duty as mother, pulling them both in for a warm and tender hug. Eva giggled in glee at the taste of it all.

“Make sure you both behave,” I said. “Taya, keep Eva safe. Eva, help Taya make friends.”

“Wait, shouldn’t Taya be helping me make friends?” Eva asked.

“I know what I said,” I replied, patting them both on the head. “Taya, I’ll talk more with Fleur today about the young lady courses. I’m not sure exactly when you’ll be enrolled, but it’ll hopefully be soon.”

“...Understood,” my filly replied, trying to keep all the sulk out of her voice.

“Then make sure you aren’t late,” I said. “And if you’re going to walk, bring a guard with you. If no one’s available, would you mind, Spike?”

“I don’t mind walking with them,” he said. “There’s no reason I wouldn’t… Wait, never mind. I just remembered that this is the tower we’re talking about. There’s no way I can take them.”

It took me a few seconds, but I eventually nodded. “Right, good point. Then just find a pony guard.”

“Why can’t Spike go?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“The unicorns in the tower like experimenting on rare creatures,” I replied. “I’ve had several ask to do all kinds of things to me. There was also one who thought I was an escaped test subject. If Spike went, it’s entirely possible he’d be subjected to unreasonable requests by people who have a hard time with rejection.”

“Wait, does that mean they’d experiment on me?” Skyla asked, looking back at her wings.

“No, they wouldn’t dare touch an alicorn,” Spike said. “You’re the highest tier of pony, so there would actually be consequences if they went after you. Whereas Nav and I aren’t ponies at all, so in their mind, there’s nothing holding them back from vivisecting us.”

“What’s… vivisecting?” Skyla asked, finally looking back up at us.

“Something bad,” I said. “You’ll learn more about it when you’re older. For now, don’t worry about it. Like Spike said, the tower goons wouldn’t dare touch an alicorn. They also know better than to go after me now. And even if they did touch Spike, they’d be bringing Celestia’s wrath down on themselves. Not to mention my wrath.”

“...Equestria doesn’t seem very safe, does it?” Skyla quietly asked, looking down.

“No, it’s definitely not the safest place out there,” I said, walking over to pick her up so I could cuddle that cute filly. “One of my big goals will be to make this place safer.” It didn’t take me long to be seated again and place Skyla across my lap. “While you’re around me, I can guarantee you’ll be safe. So don’t worry about a thing, Skyla.”

“Yep, mommy’s super dependable!” Eva said.

“She might not be the best protection herself, but that’s what we’re for,” Spike said. “There’s not much that can get past the defenses in this house.”

“You know, letting mommy pet me always makes me feel safe and comfy,” Taya said. “So if you’re ever worried, just let her spoil you!”

“I don’t want to take advantage of her kindness,” Skyla replied.

“I’m just trying to be a hospitable host,” I said. “Don’t you worry about a thing. I’d be happy to pet you, in fact!”

“Well… if I ever feel unsafe, I might take you up on that.” You damn tease! “I do like being carried, but… why do you pick me up so much?”

“You’re soft, fuzzy, light, warm, and you smell good.”

“Like a pet cat?” Spike asked.

“She’s bigger and heavier than a cat, plus her legs end in hard hooves instead of cute toe-beans. That said, she’s just as soft, but not as fuzzy. Definitely smells better and just about as warm. She’s more of a side-grade to a pet cat, really.”

“Uh… should I try meowing?” Skyla asked.

“Only if you want,” I replied. “So, when are you two heading out?”

“As soon as we can find a guard, I guess,” Taya said with a shrug. “I’ll see you later in the afternoon, mommy.”

“Yep. Have fun, you two.” Taya led a waving Eva out to the main room, leaving me with Spike and Skyla. “Skyla, you’re going to be meeting your father’s parents soon. Do you want to dress up, too?”

“Could you make me look super cute, Lady Navi?”

“You don’t need my help for that. But no, I also couldn’t really help with that. However, I do have maids who would love to give it a try. I’m sure Doppel would enjoy spending time with you, too.”

“Hm… You called that lady in the book beautiful, but I’m just cute?”

“You don’t have the elegance it takes to be beautiful yet,” I said, patting her back. “You’ll learn that in time, don’t worry.”

“Elegance?”

“Yep. It’s what separates cute little girls from beautiful adult ladies. You’ll probably learn all about that in your fancy princess training later. For now, you should just focus on bringing out your cuteness. With that in mind, let’s go find my maids.” I picked the filly back up and started walking around, looking for someone to dress her up for me.

Once she was all dolled up, her parents collected her and Twilight before setting off on a journey. That left me plenty of time to get clean and dressed before Fleur arrived.

By the time Fleur showed up, I had been stuffed into the outfit Twilight picked for me. As expected, it showed off a lot of skin. Showing my body off wasn’t all that bad, so I didn’t complain. Thankfully, neither did Fleur. Kat still wasn’t awake, so Spike was my only guard. He followed us onto the carriage Fleur arranged and it started carrying us away as soon as we were all seated.

“So, where are we going, anyway?” I asked once the carriage began moving. I mean, I’m already pretty sure I know, but the message didn’t actually specify.

“Isn’t that something you should ask before you get on?” Spike asked.

“It’s merely proof of Countess Navarone’s trust in me,” Fleur replied. “But to answer your question, we are going to pay a visit to a reporter, a mare named Clementine. She’s a very close friend of mine. I’m sure she’ll be able to help improve your image.”

“I’ll do my best to make use of the opportunity, but there’s no guarantee I won’t ruin it.”

“...Then you should make the guarantee, Nav,” Fleur said. “You promised me you would behave in front of the king during that opportunity.”

“We got the outcome we were after, and I think acting the way you wanted would have only put him more on guard.” And I don’t remember promising, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t. “I certainly plan to act properly, but I also plan to be honest. You know how that usually goes.”

“I do, which is exactly why I’ll be sitting in on the interview with you,” she replied. “I’m sure with my input, what goes into the paper will all be perfect, no matter what manner of behavior you choose to showcase.”

“Then why are you making such a big deal over it?”

“Because I shouldn’t have to, but I know I do. Somehow I know warning you will mean nothing, but giving up and staying quiet isn’t an option. Even if I know you’ll just ignore my expert advice…”

“I’ve met a whole lot of royalty, you know,” I said. “And I’m friends with a lot of them now, too. Are you sure my behavior is a problem?”

“I mean, she has a point,” Spike muttered with a small smile.

“Your behavior would be very concerning to the average pony,” Fleur said. “Most members of royalty know to expect eccentricity from the more powerful members of society, but average ponies rarely have a chance to deal with someone… of your caliber, so to say. With that in mind, I was really hoping you would be working on regulating yourself better… Like you said you would.”

“Is it a problem if Flo or Darya does it for me?” I asked.

“Yes!”

“Oh.”

“Ugh, I knew I should have had Doppel put a vibe in you for this…”

“Hot,” Spike whispered with a smarmy grin.

“Spike, if you’re going to be my guard, don’t be lewd,” I said. “It’s fine at home, but at least my retinue should act professional, even if I’m incapable of it.”

“Got it, sorry,” he replied. He cast his gaze out the window, either dropping from the conversation or to keep an eye out for danger.

“And I don’t think getting caught with something like that would be good,” I said. “There’s no telling what might end up in the news because of it.”

“We never have to worry about Clementine betraying us,” Fleur said. “I guarantee she’ll follow you to the end, Nav.”

“It’s odd that she has so much confidence in me, even though I’ve never met her. You seem to have a lot of trust in her, Fleur. Is she someone you’ve known for a while?”

“We met here and there for the longest of times, but recently I found the chance to develop our relationship more deeply. She’s quite amenable, I assure you.”

“Good to know. So, you said this was going to be an interview. What exactly are we going to be talking about?”

“You, of course!” she replied with quite the cheeky grin. “The highlight will probably be the pageant, but she’ll also want to know about your exploits. This will, after all, be the first time you’ve spoken to the media in any real capacity. There’s a lot she’ll want to discuss, but I’ll do my best to help keep her on track. There’s definitely no need for you to go into detail. Especially not too much detail. In fact, I must insist that you not go too far.”

“You really have no faith in me, do you?”

“Nav… you let me down every time. It’s hard to keep faith in a situation like that. I was really hoping you would be more ladylike by the time the pageant started…”

“I have considerably less experience as a lady than all the other competitors. It’s obvious I’m not going to be up to measure. If you let Flo and Darya do their thing, it’ll be fine, right?”

“No!”

“Oh.”

“Ugh, we talked about this, Nav! It’s not showcasing the best human woman if you’re making a machine do all your work!”

“Even if humans are the ones who invented the machine?” I asked.

“Do you intend to foist responsibility for everything over to those machines?” she asked.

“No, but I kinda wish I could. Whatever. As long as I don’t embarrass myself too much, I’ll be fine.”

“That’s not what I want to hear from you right now, Nav,” Fleur said with a sigh. “Why can’t you just guarantee that you’ll behave and do things properly?”

“Because I get bored way too easily for that. Throwing wrenches in things to watch the fireworks is fun sometimes. I don’t plan to ruin this event and I don’t plan to humiliate myself, but…”

“Maybe you are cursed by Discord,” Spike said. “Or maybe he only takes over at certain times?”

“That would make sense to me,” I replied. “It’s not like I’d have any way to resist him and it seems like something he’d do. Or maybe he chose to use me for something like this because of that quirk in my personality. But it would be rude to blame him without evidence, so I’ll have to take the heat for it for now. Besides, it’s not like there have been any overly negative repercussions.”

“You mean aside from Prince Blueblood falling to madness and then getting killed for almost murdering you?” Fleur asked.

“I feel like I have no blame in that incident.”

“Nav, I was there the day you shot him point blank with a crossbow with no warning. Luna may have covered for you, but I saw what you did.”

“That sounds like a story I haven’t heard yet,” Spike said, his eyes gleaming with excitement. “You tried to murder a prince in Canterlot, Nav?”

“It was a duel that he requested. Since I didn’t have magic, I got to use a weapon. I chose surprise. And also a crossbow."

“The setting?” he asked.

“A garden party full to bursting with nobles,” Fleur replied. She sounded disapproving, but was smiling anyway. “I never expected I’d see Sir Navarone himself at one of those. I also never expected to see a prince almost shot down before my very eyes. I must say, that was the first time I’ve ever seen blood shed in front of me.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I didn’t mean to sound thankful. And in front of Princess Luna, at that! I never would have expected it would only turn her on more.”

“Why did you even have a crossbow at a party, anyway?” Spike asked.

“I was a knight at the time and had just gotten to Canterlot from the Everfree. I happened to bump into Rarity while I was here, who asked me to escort her to some various events to help get her name out there. She asked me to do so as a knight, so I went in my armor and carried my weapons. While we were at the party, Blueblood walked over and challenged me to a duel. As the person who was challenged, I got to pick the time and place. I chose then and there and shot him. I am in no way at fault, right? I just answered his challenge.”

“You’re at least twenty-five percent at fault,” Spike said.

“I concur with his assessment,” Fleur added. “Given the way you spoke to the prince when he arrived, I’d bump it up to at least thirty-three percent.”

“Well, blame rounds to the nearest whole number, so that still means zero,” I replied with a shrug. “Thus, it wasn’t actually a repercussion at all. Or at least, not from something that I did.”

“Your verbal gymnastics sure are fun to listen to,” Spike said, reaching over to try booping me. I smacked his hand away, of course.

“More like exasperating,” Fleur said. “But I knew what I was getting into, so I won’t let it get me down.”

“If you knew what you were getting into, why do you keep trying to get me to change?”

“Because you are changing, whether you like it or not,” she replied. “I’m just trying to make sure the changes are in a positive direction. There’s nothing bad at all about becoming more polite and able to hold conversations without saying horrifying things. I was also hoping you’d become more ladylike, but I… can understand why you’re reluctant. Especially if you might have a way back. But… what will you do if you don’t find a solution, Nav?”

“I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, but… I don’t think I’ll ever be a very girly person. And don’t you start with me, Spike.” He wisely chose to stay silent.

Fleur sighed in disappointment. “Oh, what a shame… I feel like your potential for femininity is so high, too. It’s a waste, truly.”

“I can live with that. So, how far away is this pet journalist of yours?”

“Not too far, sadly,” Fleur said. “I would love to have more time to spend with you… And it’s rude to call her a pet, isn’t it?”

“Will she ever disobey you?”

“Well… I think it’s extremely unlikely.”

“Then it’s extremely likely that she’s your pet, which means it’s not rude to say. Make sure you treat her well. You should never mistreat your pets.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

“Wait, what about all those times you mistreated Kat?” Spike asked.

“Kat isn’t a pet, she’s a vassal.”

“...You shouldn’t mistreat your vassals, either,” Fleur said.

“She deserved it, so it doesn’t count. Punishment is not mistreatment. After all, if your pet ever misbehaves, corrective measures have to be taken. Is that not so?”

“Ah, I see. Carrots and sticks are required, of course. Thankfully, I don’t foresee it to be necessary to ever punish Miss Clementine, but I am certainly capable of doing so.”

“Good. Now, while we still have some time, can you tell me more about the pageant? I want to know what I’m getting myself into.”

“Of course!” And so she proceeded to do just that, telling me about a few of the events that were going to take place in the contest. As expected, none of it really sounded fun.

“Are you… sure it’s not too late for me to just drop out?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m quite positive,” she immediately replied.

“And you’re not just saying that because you want me to suffer?”

“My dear countess… More than anything else, I want to see you glow on the stage like the star you are. I want everyone to know the excellence that you’ve shown me. And I want your influence to grow and expand. Being part of a competition like this is going to be an extremely valuable networking opportunity, Nav.”

“I’ll admit that’s true, but there are plenty of ways I can be a part of the competition without actually competing.”

“You’ve already lost this argument, Nav. Don’t be a sore loser.”

“Wait, Nav lost an argument?” Spike asked. “How?”

“They used cuteness against me.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” he replied, nodding. “Your standards are pretty high, though. Did they have an especially cute filly or something?”

“No, an adorable vampony,” Fleur said with a smile. “Blossom is my ultimate weapon against Nav. Sadly, she’s tricky to wield.”

“If I had known I was going to end up owning Celestia, I probably would have accepted Blossom’s oath of fealty,” I said. “Though I suppose things worked out best for her in the end, all things told. She seems happy now. I just wish I wasn’t in a position where she can freely use her powers against me.”

“Wait, did she use hypnosis to make you agree?” Fleur asked.

“No. But the last time I saw her, she hypnotized me into petting her.”

“I highly doubt that’s exactly how it happened,” Spike replied.

“You’re so quick to doubt your lady’s word, Spike. Your lack of faith in me hurts.”

“Well… That’s because you’re usually full of shit,” he said with a shrug. “Even Fleur was saying you let her down every time you open your mouth.”

“I may not have given away all the details for privacy reasons, but I can definitely guarantee that it did happen.”

“The lie detector is coming up clean,” Fleur said. “Grass is blue.” Her horn lit up, just like that.

“We tested a few of the things she was capable of feeling while under the influence of a blood gem. We confirmed that it works with petting, baths, lewd activities, and tastes. There are some caveats involved, but as long as precautions are taken, she’s pretty close to normal. Although… I highly doubt she’ll be able to have foals, even using the fruit from the Everfree. I might be wrong, but I assume it only works on the living.”

“Will those fruits keep growing if you purify the forest?” Spike asked.

“I’ve already confirmed that they can be grown outside of the Everfree, though it has to be in places with a high magical concentration. I believe Celestia has samples in a lab somewhere in Canterlot. My understanding is that the fruit has been tested and works on all or most animals, but not insects, plants, or fungi. This also includes cross-species breeding, even when it’s between an animal that would normally produce eggs and an animal that has live births, or between a cold-blooded animal and a warm-blooded animal. I haven’t heard any news about it since I lost my knighthood, so it’s possible they’ve moved to testing it on sapient creatures by now.”

“Hey, wasn’t that stuff… kinda dangerous?” Spike asked. “I mean, after what happened with Applejack…”

“You mean what almost happened with Applejack. I escaped with my hips intact, thankfully. Those thicc, juicy thighs of hers would have crushed my pelvis into dust, I’m sure. I made sure to thoroughly warn the princess when I delivered the samples to her. That means whatever happens as a result of the choices the researchers make is no responsibility of mine. It’s solely on them.”

“Your ability to completely wash your hands of such things is astounding, Nav,” Fleur said. “Selling dangerous drugs to deer, stating it’s their responsibility to use them safely. Providing dangerous fruits to researchers, stating it’s solely their responsibility what happens if they’re ever misused. I’d bet you would sell weapons to an assassin with a guilt-free smile on your face.”

“Hm? Why would I charge Kat for her weapons?”

“Ah, right, I forgot. Not only do you arm them, but you even employ them.”

“I’ve told everyone over and over that I’m a bad person who has no right to be on the center stage. I’m scum, through and through.”

“Wait, you consider it scummy to rehabilitate an assassin?” Spike asked. “I mean, you haven’t actually been having her murder ponies for you, right?”

“No, I leave the hits to Celestia,” I replied. “She can just send a goon squad. There’s no reason for me to risk Kat.”

“I’m going to preemptively ban you from referring to yourself as a bad person or as scum in front of Clementine,” Fleur said. “Actually, on second thought, I’m going to ban you from saying it ever again. I mean, it’s not even true. You do have some problematic tendencies, but I don’t think they’re enough to make me consider you bad.”

“Wait, we can just ban Nav from doing things?” Spike asked.

“You can’t make me feel as good as Fleur can,” I said. “Not just everyone has that right. But I’ll probably forget in a few hours, so it’ll functionally only apply while we’re with Clementine.”

“I’ll never get as good as she is if you don’t let me practice more, Nav.”

“Fleur got plenty of practice on her own and developed all kinds of skills without me. If you up your tongue game, you’ll probably have me seeing stars in no time.”

“I… don’t have any way of replying to that without sounding lewd. So I guess… I’ll just take your advice. Please ignore any unseemly griffin noises coming from my room for the next few days.”

“Ask someone to magically soundproof it. I don’t want to bother Skyla.”

“Wait, Skyla?” Fleur said. “Is Princess Cadance staying at your manor, Nav?”

“Yes. I’m not sure why they chose my place instead of the castle, but they elected to stay with me.”

“...You really need to tell me these kinds of things sooner,” she said with a small sigh. “There are a lot of ways to use the fact that royalty is staying at your home, Nav. It would be a good chance to increase your influence.”

“I honestly don’t know the kinds of things you need to know,” I replied. “I didn’t really think it was a big deal. I mean, it’s just Cadance.”

“Just Cadance, huh?” Spike said, snorting out a small bit of fire. “She would probably actually be happy to hear you say that.”

“Well, she shouldn’t be!” Fleur said. “Strangely enough, there are still times I forget your utter lack of interest or respect in royalty. But if you could bring her to a few events while she’s in town…”

“She’s staying here for the pageant,” I said. “And I actually did spend some time walking around Ponyville with Shiny and Skyla yesterday, if that counts for anything.”

“It doesn’t, sadly,” Fleur said. “But walking around Canterlot with Cadance or Skyla would be quite beneficial. Attending a party or two with them would also help, though throwing a party would be much better. Luckily for you, having them cheer you on in the pageant will probably be enough.”

“I don’t really like the idea of using friends like that,” I said. “Besides, how beneficial could it really be? Again, it’s just Cadance. She’s not even an Equestrian princess anymore.”

“She’s an alicorn,” Fleur said. “Nothing else really matters. Having Skyla with you would also be quite valuable, for the same reason.”

“Well, good thing having them cheer me on will probably be enough, I guess. I wouldn’t really mind showing them around Canterlot, but I don’t know the city well enough for that. It would probably end up with Cadance showing me around instead.”

“It would behoove you to learn your way around,” Fleur said. “Most of your time traveling will likely be in carriages or chariots, but it’s still good to know where everything is.”

“I know, but the best way to do that is to actually walk around. And every time I do that, I attract so many stares and whispers that it gets too uncomfortable. Besides, didn’t you say countesses weren’t supposed to walk anyway?”

“Nav, there’s this wonderful invention out there called a map,” Spike said. “If you’d like, I can show you one when we get back.”

“Looking at a map doesn’t really give you a grasp on the lay of the land or the vibe of a city,” I replied. “Without putting your feet on the ground, and pretty commonly, you’ll never really know a city. Although I guess as a noble, that’s not necessary for me. And with one look at a map, Flo or Darya could probably superimpose a copy of it on my retinas. At the very least, I know they can use it to give directions.” And there was actually a map of Canterlot at the Ponyville Library, which meant my elementals already had a copy of it.

“...I really don’t like the thought of you relying on them that much,” Fleur said.

“What, did you just want them to keep me company? I certainly wouldn’t mind, but it would be a huge waste of their talents. Artificial intelligence was invented to elevate humanity. I was hoping for transhumanism originally, but I ended up on the biological upgrade path instead. Let me at least have some super cool sci-fi bullshit in this otherwise boring fantasy setting.”

The carriage went silent for a few seconds, before Fleur looked over at Spike. “Did you understand any of that?”

“She wanted a robot body and she’s mad that she got a flower body, so she at least wants to compromise by having robots in her head,” he said. “I’ve known Nav the longest, so I can usually translate some of her esoteric nonsense.”

“Wait, you wanted to replace your body with robot parts?!” Fleur asked, shooting her head back my way.

“I mean, I liked the idea of it when I was a teenager, but looking back on it, I realize now that those robot parts would have been made by other humans. That would mean they’d be susceptible to hacking, and would probably make me utterly reliant on either a corporation or worse, a government. It’s pretty obvious the biological route is better, but that means either gene editing prior to birth, magically infusing yourself with something like I did, or taking the path of eugenics like Celestia and the deer. It’s obviously too dangerous to rely on mother nature to guide your path, so at some point, I think all races should work on biologically improving themselves. It just takes time and tech to get to that point.”

“...How is that obvious?” Spike asked.

“Oh look, we’re here!” Fleur said, sounding much happier than I was expecting from someone who was complaining about how the trip would be too short. The carriage was slowly coming to a stop. Sadly, I had already been warned that a countess shouldn’t be seen gawking out a window, so I couldn’t take a look at our destination.

“Time to go back to lady mode,” I said with a sigh. “Hopefully I can actually keep the mask on this time.”

“Nav, that isn’t something you should hope for,” Fleur replied. “It’s something you should make happen. Saying you hope it happens implies you have no real control over the situation. You really need to work on your mindset!”

“To be fair, would anyone believe their eyes if they read an interview from Nav where she sounded like a standard Canterlot noble?” Spike asked. “I think it’s fine if she’s rough around the edges, as long as she isn’t blatantly off the rails.”

“That… Ugh, that’s probably true,” Fleur groaned. The carriage finally came to a complete stop. “Nav… Please just behave yourself. I went through a lot of trouble to make friends with Clementine. I’d hate for my effort to go to waste.”

“You’re right, I know,” I replied, my shoulders sagging. “Spike, the door?”

“Of course, my lady,” he replied, pushing it open and slipping out. Fleur followed, perfectly displaying how a noble lady should exit: With grace and elegance.

There was no way I could mimic that, but I could at least try. Thankfully, Spike is the perfect gentledragon when it’s actually important, and held up his claw to help me down. That hopefully made my descent seem much more proper.

When I was finally on the ground, I looked up at the building before me. Now that I was looking at it up close, I realized I had actually seen it several times from the air. It was one of the taller buildings in Canterlot, though it wasn’t much wider than the standard building. All four sides were labeled with PNN.

“Is that… Pony News Network?” I slowly asked.

“Indeed,” Fleur replied. “They have a fairly sizable network of informants all over the place. I do question their coverage, though. It’s rather… one-sided at times. Give me a moment to tip the carriage pullers and we can head in.” She walked up to the front of the carriage, using magic to make bits appear from nowhere.

“So, what do you think?” Spike asked.

“The looks I’m getting through the windows aren’t a good sign, if I’m honest,” I replied. We hadn’t even been there a minute, but about a dozen ponies were already staring at me from inside the building. Some seemed terrified, a few were angry, and the rest were wearing grins so wide that it creeped me out a little.

“You’ve threatened a lot of reporters since you got here,” he said.

“Let that be a lesson for you, Spike,” I said. “Threatening people is generally a bad idea.”

“Lesson learned,” he said with a nod.

“Not that it should have required a lesson,” Fleur said as she walked back over to us. The carriage pullers started trotting off, carrying my only means of escape with them. I had no choice now but to fully commit. “Now then, shall we?”

“Let’s,” I replied, doing my best to put on a perfect smile.