Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Fourteen

Despite the stares we were getting from the windows, the main entrance seemed business as usual when we walked inside. The single security guard watched from his desk as we walked over to the main receptionist, but nobody else looked up at us. Only a single guard, huh? Flo, Darya, can you leave some droplets here and there to eavesdrop? Knowing what’s going on inside one of the main news agencies might be useful.

“That’s quite the devious idea, my lady,” Darya replied.

“We won’t be able to do it immediately, but we will extend our tendrils there soon,” Flo said. “If too much of our water leaves you, we won’t be able to protect you as well. We should have the entire building wired by the time you leave, though. Shall we look for other suitable targets?”

But of course. At the moment, I want power in as many forms as I can get it. Knowledge is one of the strongest powers of them all. If we’re informed of everything before it goes public, we can get ahead of the wave every time. There’s no need to invade someone’s mind when simple eavesdropping will do the trick.

“We’re spreading your request to our sisters,” Darya said. “They’re still in the process of traveling around, checking prices and raiding libraries.”

Let it be known that I’ll let whoever brings me juicy and useful info do as they like with my body. You know, minus making me a host. I’m sure the others have been longing to cuddle and it’s wise to reward their efforts.

“They’ll be overjoyed to hear it,” Flo replied. “But you know that will just make the two of us jealous enough to toy with you as well, right?”

I’m willing to make that sacrifice. Let me know when the building is wired. And make sure to include Clementine’s office.

“Your will be done,” Darya solemnly replied.

While I was talking to them, Fleur was confirming our appointment with the receptionist. The smiling mare barely spared me a glance before looking over her calendar. It didn’t take her long to find us, as expected. She gave us the office number and waved the security guard over. He gruffly asked us to follow, paying very little respect to the fact that we were nobles. Fleur’s face turned a little sour, but she didn’t say anything as we followed.

None of the ponies really stared at us as we entered, but I felt a ton of eyes on my back as we walked further into the building. It didn’t surprise me that the journalists had an eye on me, though. As Spike said, I threatened a lot of them in my time in Equestria, and never once seemed even slightly interested in doing an interview. Seeing me come to them of my own volition was probably shocking.

Several framed articles lined the hall the guard was leading us down. Each one had a very conspicuous headline on them. Of particular interest was the one with Celestia’s hair doing lewd things to Fleur. It was definitely an interesting story, but it was a strange thing to have hanging on the wall. I had a feeling I’d probably see a few other things I definitely didn’t want to, so I stopped paying attention to the articles.

The guard took us up two flights of stairs before finally dropping us off at a nondescript office. It was the same one I had seen in the coma, unsurprisingly. Fleur pushed the door open without a care in the world and let herself inside, smiling all the way. “Good to see you again, Clementine!” she said as she made her way over to the desk.

Clementine glared at her for a moment before catching a glimpse of me over Fleur’s shoulder. “So you really did it, huh? You managed to get her here? I don’t know if I should be impressed or disappointed.”

“That’s hardly the right way to talk to a lady,” Fleur replied. “Shouldn’t you show some respect, hm?”

“I’m still not exactly used to being a lady, so it’s not overly necessary,” I said, finally walking into the office as well. It was just as I remembered in the coma, though all the articles involving me and Fleur were no longer hanging from the walls. “It’s good to finally meet you, Clementine. Fleur has told me a lot about you. I’m Navarone.”

“Oh? What has she told you about me?”

“There’s no need to get into that,” Fleur said, waving a hoof. “We hardly have time for it, after all! We have ever so much to talk about, don’t we?”

“Fleur mentioned you wanted an interview,” I said. “I spent a lot of time trying to avoid doing something like that, but now that I’ve become a noble, I’m going to be in the public eye a lot more often. I thought it best to make new friends. It’s certainly hard to do that when nobody knows much about me. I was hoping you could help. After all, Fleur said you were one of her close friends.”

“That’s how she refers to it?” Clementine muttered.

“But of course!” Fleur said with a perfectly pleasant smile. “That’s how it is, after all. Aren’t we such close friends, Clemy?”

“...Yes, of course. So, an interview of the great Lady Navarone herself…” She hopped out of her chair and walked over to the wall with a shelf full of typewriters on it. She pressed a button and the shelf disappeared into the wall, then a couch eased down from the ceiling. “I’m not exactly happy about the how, but I’ll take this opportunity. Sit.” Once again, I thanked my magical new wings. I comfortably sat on the couch, leaning into the fluffy cushions. Fleur wasted no time lounging across my lap. “I’m sorry, I thought I was interviewing Navarone. Do I have to speak to her chaperone as well? And who’s this dragon supposed to be?”

“Nice to meet you,” my guard said. “I’m Spike. Her vassals all worry when she goes out alone, so I’m just here to keep an eye on her. Don’t mind me.”

“And is it that much of an issue if your good friend sits in on an interview?” Fleur sweetly asked. “Nav has nothing to hide from me, I assure you.”

“...Do you really think you need a guard against a journalist?” Clementine asked as she walked back over to her desk. Before I could answer, she activated a magical recording device and picked up a pen and some parchment. “Oh, and know that from here on, everything you say will be recorded. I am also using a spell called Deceit’s End, which detects any and all lies.”

“The sky is green,” I said. Sure enough, her horn lit up. “I’m familiar with it. To answer your question, I don’t think I need guards against you. As Spike said, my vassals worry if I go out alone. Putting up with a guard is easier than dealing with their complaints.” Of course, her horn was no longer shining.

“Is there a reason for them to worry?” Clem asked.

“A crime lord in China, the land of the dogs, has a hefty bounty on my head. I’ve already had a few bounty hunters come, trying to collect. I also had a few rogue nobles make an attempt on my life at a party a little while ago. Then there’s the whole ancient evil demon thing that’s trying to destroy all peace and warmth in the world, though I’m not sure how much good a guard would do against it. Still, I’d rather not face it alone. It’s pretty scary, after all.”

“...There’s a lot to unpack in what you just said,” Clementine slowly replied.

“Take your time,” I said, wearing what I hope was a kind smile. Her frown deepened.

“Then I’ll start with the bounty. Why would the dogs want to hurt you?”

“During one of the famous parties in Europe, I helped capture a fellow named the Dog Father. Apparently the person who put the bounty on me is related. I intend to deal with it in time, but I’m not worried about a few bounty hunters. It’s not like death is enough to stop me, anyway. Once I have some time, I’ll pay them a visit.

“I have a feeling this interview is going to take longer than I thought,” Clementine said, looking up at her horn. “Not a single lie? What does that even mean, death’s not enough…?” For some reason, that made Fleur giggle. Clem glared at her.

“I have plenty of time, so feel free to keep asking questions,” I replied, still trying to keep on a good smile.

“Although I should point out that a noble’s time is quite valuable, especially Lady Navarone’s,” Fleur added.

“Conceit is unbecoming,” I said, gently patting her head. “Clementine is doing us a service, Fleur, and using her own time to do it.”

“Right, so let’s use that time properly,” Clem said. “Why were rogue nobles trying to harm you? And more importantly, why was this not in the news?”

“I brought a fellow named Pertz to justice,” I said. “These nobles happened to be friends of his, and seemed to think that her highness’s justice was too heavy-handed. To that end, they intended to punish me, who they saw as a personification of her tyranny. As for why it didn’t end up in the news, I couldn’t say. I can tell you that their attempts were thwarted and that I never once came to harm. I can also tell you that they were all arrested by the day’s end. I’m not sure about their names, but one of them lived in a place called Rosepetal Hall.”

“Hm, I see. And the demon you mentioned?”

“The less said about it, the better. Long story short, humans accidentally created it ages ago, it eventually killed off all of humanity, then rampaged among the species that came after mankind until now. Until recently, it was sealed in stone. It broke free and is roaming the world again, waiting for a chance to wreak havoc among the mortal races.”

“You know, I’ve heard talk that you have a way of defending against magic,” Clementine said.

“That’s true, I do,” I replied. “However, it’s not something I can use on a whim. It’s also something that only works on one person at a time, and these two can confirm everything I’m saying.”

“She’s telling the truth, unfortunately,” Fleur said.

“Yep, we finally weaned Nav off lying… for the most part,” Spike added. “It’s just a shame the truths she has to tell are usually kinda scary.”

“...I didn’t really expect the interview to get derailed just a few sentences in,” Clementine said.

“Thus, the reason I elected to join you today,” Fleur said. “Perhaps we should stick to slightly sunnier topics? The upcoming pageant, for example…?”

“I finally have the Lady Navarone under the spotlight and you want me to waste time talking about something so trivial?” Clem asked. “If she wants to talk about demons, I’m totally willing to talk about demons!”

“Don’t even get me started on those guys,” I replied. “I met a few when they were summoned in the unicorn tower. Not the friendliest of people out there, trust me. Tartarus needs a good purging.”

“See, now that is a perfect headline!” Clem shouted, finally writing something down for the first time.

“You know, I’m starting to think you were right, Fleur,” I said, patting her head. “I should have made time to speak with Clementine much sooner. She seems to have the same kind of haphazard relationship with the truth that I do! I bet she’d just love to report the fact that Celestia only ever pretended to move the sun and moon as a means to control the populace, using the knowledge of the lost alicorn empire that the demon destroyed to rule over her ignorant populace and keeping them in check with superstition, fear, and xenophobia.”

“...My horn still isn’t lighting up,” Clem said. “I can’t believe it! Navarone, do you know the truth of this world?!”

“I’m hardly the most learned out there, but I think I know more than many. I know all of pony society is built to mimic that of humanity based on the collective consciousness of the restless spirits damned to forever roam the earth. I know there exist things in this world so powerful, so ancient, so mind-numbingly terrifying that you’d wet yourself if you merely caught a glimpse of them. I know there are some questions that should never be answered and some questions that should never even be asked. I know enough to rise to power even when starting from nothing. But for now, I can only hope that I know enough to entertain your readers.”

“You sound more deranged than enlightened, if I’m honest.”

“I haven’t even gotten to the part about how Celestia’s releasing chemicals into the water to make the frogs gay.” Finally, her horn lit up. It was even enough to earn a laugh from her, before she could stop herself. “Everyone deserves to know why the world is the way it is. If I’m honest, that’s one of the only ways we can fix it. I’m not sure how much this will serve as proof, but do you mind lending me some paper and a pen?”

She did so without a word, floating a few sheets of paper over, along with two different pens. I took one of each and had Flo draw something out for me relatively quickly, a basic world map with several major cities named. “These names are all wrong,” Fleur muttered as she watched me draw it.

“No, these names are all right,” I replied, finally passing it over to Clem. “This is how the world was in my time, way in the past. Notice anything strange?”

“...Pony names have pony-like words in them in comparison,” Clementine muttered, looking the map over with a seasoned eye. “It’s as if all our names were mere puns next to these…”

“That’s one of the truths of this world, Clementine,” I said. “So much of what we all do is forced to echo those who came before us. The entire world is trapped in a cycle of life and death caused by the neverending tantrum of a god who wants nothing more than to finally die and the man who would stop at nothing to keep him alive.”

“So this is why you wouldn’t promise me you’d behave,” Fleur muttered, her ears starting to twitch in several different directions. “All I asked was that you stay pleasant and not go too into detail. And yet here we are, barely passed the introductions, and you’re already spouting out secrets Celestia is literally killing to keep under wraps! Do you truly have no filter at all anymore?!”

“Sorry, Clementine’s just such a good conversationalist,” I replied with what I was hoping was a meek grin. The named mare’s horn lit up, which sold it. “She really dragged it out of me, huh?”

“Well… Seeing you look so happy was a reward all on its own, I suppose… But I’d rather only see that malicious, wicked smile of yours when you talk to me. And since I’ll be helping Miss Clementine with the wording on this article, we can focus on the more appropriate portions. Honestly, how hard is it to have a simple talk without spilling everything you know, Nav? Weren’t you the one who told me to keep some of these things secret?”

“Clementine wouldn’t publish any of this even if she could,” I replied. “We all know what happens to reporters who dig a little too deep. Making someone like me disappear would be hard. With the pageant going on, taking you out would also be problematic. But Celestia has a history of making reporters disappear. One day Clementine will be doing interviews like normal, the next day someone would be scraping her name off the door of her hastily vacated office. Everyone would know better than to ask where she went, too. If she’s lucky, the rest of her days will be spent as a broodmare for changelings. Honestly, I can tell her all the dark truths she never realized she didn’t want to know with no worry of any of it being published.”

“...Celestia would never dare touch a reporter as high profile as I am,” Clementine said, blatantly lying through her teeth. A part of me expected it, but Fleur’s horn lit up.

“Oh, did you disable your spell?” Fleur asked with a smirk. “I thought you might, at some point, so I decided to start using it as well. It seems you understand your place quite well.”

“You’d have to understand your place perfectly to survive as a reporter in a country like this,” I said. “Go over the line by even a centimeter and you disappear instantly. I can tell her everything I want and there’s nothing she can do but let that knowledge fester inside of her.”

“Nav, aren’t you being a little too… you know?” Spike said. “I mean, this is supposed to be an interview about you, right?”

“Like I said, she’s just such a great conversationalist that we got off topic,” I said, making Fleur’s horn light up again. “But you’re right, I probably am being a little too you know. I just really like talking about my hard-won lore. Maybe it would be easier to start from the beginning of my time in Equestria?” Although it would help if my elementals stopped giggling in my ears. It makes it hard to hear.

“I’d really like to hear about your time before Equestria…” Fleur whispered.

“...Staying on topic with you is going to be a nightmare, isn’t it?” Clementine asked. “Ugh. You said you came from the past?”

“Technically, we all come from the past, but… Would you like the short and simple version or the version that Fleur probably doesn’t want me to talk about?”

“I have a feeling if I take the second option, we’re going to derail even further into places I can’t even imagine,” Clementine replied.

“You’re right, we would.”

“Short and simple it is, then. But… I became a journalist to learn more about the world, to seek out knowledge that others wanted to keep hidden. I would love an opportunity to talk to you away from this…” Her eyes flashed down to Fleur for a moment before her ears twitched and she sniffed. “...beautiful chaperone of yours. At the moment, you’re hardly acting the part of the violent brute who threatened several of my friends.”

“The journalists in my time were vultures who were purposefully spreading misinformation for cash. I assumed the same would be true here. Equestria certainly does have its yellow journalism, but I don’t think any of the news organizations here are actually evil like they were in my time. I just didn’t realize that until well after I became famous enough for journalists to start following me around. Anyway, to keep my introduction short and simple, I’m basically a magical golem with the memories of a member of a species that died out long ago stitched into my head. Twilight Sparkle served as the catalyst for my creation, but she’s not my actual creator.”

“A… golem? For what purpose were you created?”

“To either obtain a soul or remain a slave for all eternity. I’m trying for the soul, now.”

“Is anything normal going to come out of your mouth?!”

“Not a chance,” Spike replied for me.

“She’s just so fun to talk to, isn’t she?” Fleur asked, snuggling up closer to me. “If you aren’t careful, you’ll lose yourself to her pace and just get dragged along!”

“I’m really struggling to see how I’m going to be able to tell my readers anything at all, at this rate,” Clem groaned, her head falling to the desk. “Can you tell me anything normal about the past, then?”

“There were more humans in our one largest city than there are sapient creatures alive today, for one thing,” I replied. “Our technology levels were also much higher, but there was no magic anywhere. It was an easier, more convenient time, though just about as dangerous. Though if I’m honest, I’d rather not talk about my implanted memories. The ones I’ve made since coming to Equestria seem more vibrant as time goes on, even if there was a lot more suffering.”

“At this point, I know there’s a lot of interest in human culture, but not many ponies even know they come from the past,” Clem said. “At least putting that information out there will make some of them happy… About how long have you been in Equestria?”

And so our little interview continued. Every time I got too far off in the weeds, Spike or Fleur would drag me back on topic. Clementine’s sanity seemed to dwindle as the conversation went on. Seeing her become increasingly frazzled made me smile even more, for some reason.

Well, actually, I think I knew the reason. She had the perfect personality to tease. It was triggering my sadistic tendencies. If I wasn’t careful, I might end up trying to pet her before I left.

“So… One of the things I wanted to ask about was your history with philanthropy,” Clementine said at some point. “It’s been said you’ve done things like rescuing fillies and raising them, donating to strange causes, giving away human music to pony musicians, and quite a lot more. Is that something all humans do, or just you?”

“Various groups of humans lived by different moral codes. The group I lived in had charity as one of its binding principles. Not everybody extolled those values all the time, but I try to help others when doing so wouldn’t be disadvantageous to me.”

“Hm. Would you be willing to talk about the fillies you found?”

“One was a unicorn named Taya that I found living on the streets of Catro. The other was a changeling that I found in the Everfree. That one goes by many names.”

“It’s rumored that you turned one into a weapon and the other into a spy, you know,” Clem replied.

“Taya chose to become my sword. I tried to discourage her from that path, but I failed. And I never tried to set Eva up as a spy. It just so happened that most of the changelings she interacted with in her time in Equestria were spies, so she may have taken on some spy-like traits.”

“There are also rumors that you raised them as sex toys.”

“Those rumors are false.”

“Oh? And you never even thought about it? You’re known to have quite the voracious appetite.”

“Fillies are for booping and petting, not molesting. There are plenty of people I can ask to scratch all my itches. I don’t need to turn to children.”

“Hm… And your donation to the clown college? That was quite a sum of bits for someone who claims to hate clowns.”

“I don’t hate clowns, I just don’t really like them that much. And I had a debt to pay. Cash was the only way I saw to settle it. To make a long story short, a clown ghost saved my life when I was in a haunted underground bunker. Thus, I made a donation to a clown college.”

“A… haunted underground bunker?”

“You heard me.”

“Ugh, please elaborate!”

Thankfully, that got us off onto another long tangent.

At some point, Fleur cleared her throat. “Instead of wasting time talking about demons and the end of the world, shouldn’t you really focus on important current events, like the pageant?”

“I have a feeling everyone in this room will regret what happens if we don’t eventually talk about it,” I said with a loud sigh.

“Even me?” Spike asked.

“Lack of involvement doesn’t mean freedom from blame,” I replied. “So what questions do you have for me or Fleur about the pageant?”

“I guess the most obvious one is, are you looking forward to it?”

“Man, what a loaded question… The Fleur approved answer is yes. My personal opinion is that I’m looking forward to it being over.”

“There’s talk that the original idea of the pageant was yours, and that it had your backing from the beginning,” Clementine said. “Yet you’re not looking forward to it? Why not?”

“I would be fine with watching it, or maybe even judging it. But I never wanted to be a contestant. I was strong-armed into it and have regretted agreeing ever since. And I guess technically speaking, I was the one who originally pitched the idea, and got Fleur in contact with the changeling queen. I stayed mostly hands-off, though.”

“I suppose it would be difficult for someone who used to be male to compete in a beauty pageant as a female.”

“Precisely. Fleur told me to get over it and said my feelings weren’t important.”

“That isn’t… exactly how I put it,” Fleur said. “I just put together a group of friends who I thought would help appeal to you most effectively. My strategy succeeded.”

“You said you would be a judge, though,” Clem said. “Do you really know what makes all the other races beautiful?”

“I don’t know what their own race finds beautiful, but since coming here, I’ve basically been forced to come to terms with the fact that all the races out there have their own kinds of beauty. Dragons have some wonderful curves, glistening scales, and can keep you warm even in the coldest continent on the planet. Griffins have warm and fluffy feathers, large paws to knead you gently, and a cute and puffy tail. Each different subrace of dog and cat are different and have their own individual traits of beauty. My vassal, Katrina, happens to come from a species that’s smoking hot. I met another cat in Egypt named Jocasta who was very cute and petite. In Germany, I met a dog woman who was very upright and honest who stood tall and strong like a knight. For ponies, look no further than Fleur, the Element of Kindness, and the Element of Generosity as examples of beauty and elegance. As an outsider looking in, I feel like I have a valuable perspective to give on the matter.”

“You’re more than welcome to describe the specific traits you find pleasing about ponies,” Fleur said.

“After spending so long telling me to behave, you come out with a line like that? Get it together, Fleur.”

“Celebrity gossip is worth quite a few bits,” Clementine said. “So please, you’re more than welcome to describe those traits. In fact, please do!”

“You’re gonna have to split this thing into multiple parts or something,” Spike muttered. “There’s no way you can market an interview like this to anyone.”

“Hey, Spike’s the only guy in the room,” I said. “Why don’t we ask him what he finds attractive?”

“Thick thighs, upfront personalities, and no drama,” he answered without missing a beat. “Cuteness is also really nice, but that’s pretty subjective and situational. I can go into more detail if necessary, but that’s probably enough. You’re up, Navi!”

“...To be completely honest, I find a lot of qualities attractive, but most of them involve personalities,” I replied. “As for physical qualities… For mares, nice butts are a must.” Fleur flinched. “Pegasi should have strong wings, since they’re better for cuddling. Unicorns should at least be decent at magic, since it’s great for all kinds of fun things. Honest and straightforward personalities are best. Not being too possessive is a pretty important one, since all fae like ponies are by definition attracted to humans. Oh, and it’s a minor thing, but I do prefer larger crotch tits. Most humans prefer sizable breasts, like my own, though I’m not really sure how ponies feel about them. They’re just fun to play with, you know?”

“Nav, I know we pressed you, but… there should be a limit somewhere,” Fleur said with a sigh.

“That’s for mares,” Clem said. “What about stallions?”

“I’m not attracted to stallions, but I do enjoy how they feel inside of me. So I guess maybe just dick size, plus their ability to use it?”

“What about your dates with Soarin’?” Clementine asked.

“I’m an idiot and didn’t realize I was being asked on a date until after both of them were over. To be fair, I did have a good time, but that’s not the point. I’m not used to guys trying to pick me up. It’s happening more and more, though, so I’ve gotten some experience with turning guys down properly. Except for the deer king, but I had to teach him a lesson.”

“Nav, don’t even think about it,” Fleur whispered.

“No, it’s cool, I have Celestia’s permission,” I replied. “Besides, he drugged me. I feel entitled to talk about the fact that I shoved all kinds of stuff up his butt while he begged for more. You’re free to talk about what the queen did to you, too.”

“I have no comments to make,” Fleur replied.

“I don’t mind making them for you,” I said. “Fleur got—” Magic suddenly covered my mouth, cutting me off.

“And I would prefer you not making any comments on my behalf, either,” Fleur said. “This interview is about you, after all.”

“So… what did the king drug you with?” Clem asked. “And for the record, which king was it, exactly?”

“Mushrooms, and his name is Aspen, king of the deer city-state called Thicket, located behind a magical concealment barrier in the Whitetail Woods near Ponyville. Not a very fun time overall, if I’m honest. I’d rate Thicket two out of ten. They lose points for being creepy, murdering their babies, selling their own as food to dragons, and using magic to literally control the emotions of the normal deer. Anyway, we got off topic. Long story short, I’m not really interested in stallions.”

“...W-what was that about murdering b-babies?” Clem asked, her voice somewhat unsteady.

And that led to another wonderful discussion. Truly, Clem was great at dragging all kinds of things out of me! I really should have spoken to a member of the media sooner. Though, thinking about it, any reporter I spoke to before brainwashing Celestia probably would have been killed before they could finish their articles.

After a fun little talk about how the deer are objectively awful, Clem changed the subject yet again. “You’ve had quite the influence on the arts, Lady Navarone. Books, comics, manga, paintings, music… What inspired you to go so far?”

“I guess at this point it’s a pretty open secret, so I might as well go ahead and confirm it… I’m the author of the books from another world. I’m also the painter of most of the paintings from another world. Or I should rather say, I’m the one who brought them forward in time. Their original authors are all dead. I do feel bad profiting off their works, but it’s not like I can just give them away. As for what inspired me, it’s that pony art sucks.”

“That’s quite the bold statement,” Clementine replied.

“Yes, we’ll have to do something about that in the final edit,” Fleur said with a nod. “Can you rephrase that for us, Navi?”

“How many people in Canterlot are secretly miserable, Fleur?” I asked. “You don’t have to actually answer that question if you don’t want to. But everyone here is afraid of Celestia’s secret police. The nobles, the servants, the guards, even the secret police themselves. The only books they have to turn to are happy novels where the main character just breezes his way through and everyone becomes friends. That’s not going to do you any good at all. If you’re suffering, you want to read a book where the main character suffers his way through something and finally succeeds in the end through hard work and perseverance. It gives you hope for your own situation, and sometimes even a way out of the darkness. Isn’t that exactly what brought you back from the brink yourself, Fleur?”

“...Yes, you are the one who saved me,” Fleur replied. “But this interview isn’t about me.”

“People like you are why I wanted to put human art out there,” I said. “Humans in my time and in my country had true freedom of expression. They didn’t have to worry about anyone coming to take them away in the night if they wrote a story critiquing the government, or a song that discussed how fine the ruler’s ass is. That meant they were free to write about suffering, putting the memory of their pain onto paper to help others who are going through similar things. That’s for books, manga, plays, and comics. The paintings I made were just a way of generating more income, but they’re also copies of human art. In the end, Flo made more of those than I did, but she gave me all of the money for them. For the music, humans just had more of it. I shared it with pony musicians on a whim. Apparently they’re doing good things with what they learned.”

“It’s hard for me to believe the same person who talks about putting pain to paper goes on to say, in the same breath no less, that she just painted hundreds of paintings for easy money,” Clem said, sounding just a little disgusted.

“It shouldn’t be hard to believe at all, actually,” Spike said. “After all, your horn didn’t light up, right?”

“Your lack of faith in me is hurtful,” I said. “Even with Deceit’s End, you still don’t trust me?”

“It’s not that, it’s just—”

“It can’t be that hard to believe, then,” Fleur said, cutting Clem off. “I do think we can also leave that particular bit out when this gets published, though. We can change it to something about how she wanted to feel more at home.”

“I think Fleur also mentioned that some of the musicians I helped are occasionally doing charity concerts,” I said. “That’s something humans back in my time did every now and then. The basic idea was to have a normal concert, then donate all the money to a specific cause. That could be stuff like replacing equipment in hospitals, feeding people struck by famine, sending medical supplies, or researching a disease. I mentioned it to the musicians and I guess some of them took it upon themselves to carry the tradition forward.”

“That’s quite an achievement in its own right,” Clem said. “Inspiring others to act in a positive way is something all nobles should aspire to, in my opinion. It’s a shame most of them do the opposite. Blackmail, in particular, is quite common.”

“It’s disappointing to hear that, but I do hope things start changing for the better soon,” I replied. “When Fancy Pants came out as gay, he said something about how nobles should try to live as examples for others. I’m hoping more and more will start to think that way in time, as those of us with heavy influence continue to act with relative integrity.” Spike actually snorted at me. “I won’t deny that you can say a lot of bad things about me, but I like to think I act with integrity. When have I ever broken the law in Equestria in a way that didn’t benefit everyone around me?”

“I don’t feel comfortable answering that question in front of a reporter,” he replied.

“Ah, Clementine is toothless,” I said, waving a hand.

“Yes, it’s fine,” Clem said with a resigned sigh. “I already know there’s no chance most of this will ever see the light of day anyway… Lady Navarone is protected by Celestia, so there’s no way I can put any of her crimes to paper.”

“Alright then, what about letting your filly study necromancy?” Spike asked.

“First off, we have Celestia’s permission, so it’s not illegal,” I said. “Second off, that’s possibly a critical part of helping me get a soul, so of course Taya was going to learn it.”

“What about the blood gems you’re planning on mining in changeling territory and illegally importing into Equestria?”

“Countesses are allowed to traffic in blood gems, so that’s not illegal. I already cleared that with the guards.”

“What about the alcohol you’ve been spreading in Equestria?”

“It’s illegal to import, but not to create it domestically or trade it domestically. I cleared that one with the guards, too. It was requested that I not make mead, but everything else is free game.”

“There’s more to integrity than not breaking laws,” Fleur said. “But this is an unproductive discussion. Perhaps we should get back to the previous topic?”

“You mean nobles that blackmail people?” I asked. “It really is unpleasant behavior.”

“The most disgusting behavior of all, really,” Clem said, sounding quite upset. She also seemed to be glaring at Fleur.

“No, I have to disagree there,” I said. “Blackmail usually only works because the other person is doing something worse. Thus, if you have evidence that an enemy is doing something wrong, you should release it immediately and ruin them, not blackmail them with it.” That made Clem’s glare disappear. Instead, her ears started twitching.

“That can be such a waste, though,” Fleur whispered, looking down.

“Better to let it go to waste taking down an enemy than to allow a viper into your camp, in my opinion,” I replied. “People you force to work with you through blackmail will usually look for a way to surreptitiously stab you in the back. If I’m going to surround myself with people, I’d rather they be people who want to be on my side, not those who were forced to be there. Though, since I’m used to being stabbed in the back at this point, it’s not too much of a problem if it happens again. After all, now I have enough power to do as I please to anyone who dares. But I guess that’s neither here nor there, to be honest. I’m sure you’re brimming with more questions, hm?”

To be honest, Clementine was starting to look a little pale. My sweet smile and dulcet tones did little to comfort her, sadly.

“Oh, you could talk about the Zone of Alienation,” Spike said. “News about that place is already out there now, so there shouldn’t be any issue with it.”

“Right, yes, that!” Clem shouted, latching onto the subject change. “Lady Navarone, will you tell me about the Zone of Alienation?!”

“Of course.” And so began our next tangent. She actually seemed fairly impressed with the story, too.

Some time later, Clem sat up and said, “Before your trip to the Zone, I heard you were vacationing in Gryphus. Were you taking part in their fertility festival?”

“Princess Gilda invited me, so I decided to join her,” I replied. “I didn’t get to spend too long at the festival itself, though. The princess and I were targeted by an assassin, so we spent the next day at a private, secluded hot spring. The third was spent relaxing in the castle.”

“I heard that you participated in one of the events while you were there,” Clementine said. “Specifically, the fighting tournament.”

“Yes, that’s right,” I said. “No weapons allowed, hand to hand combat, with the prize being a date with the princess.”

“And you won that prize. Would you like to repeat your battle cry in the climactic fight against a dragon?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” I said.

“I’ll repeat it for you, then. Quote, ‘I am going to rub that forbidden princess belly,’ end quote.” She stared at me in silence for an uncomfortably long time. She finally got impatient and said, “My lady, I would like to ask what was going through your head at the time.”

“The truth would take us off into another very long tangent. I would personally prefer it if you retracted the question.”

“Nav, this is worth the tangent,” Fleur replied. “You really should set the record straight.”

“Alright, fine.” And so I explained everything about the water elementals to Clem, including how Aqua took me over and that I was in the process of fighting her in my head while fighting the dragon in the arena. As expected, Clem had to check several times to make sure her lie detector was working properly while I explained.

Once my explanation was over and she finished up all her extra questions, she grunted. “I’ve also heard rumors that you may have been in Gryphus before your public appearance. It’s also known that you were last seen in Canterlot the day before the festival started. You were at a train station right before a train to Gryphus departed, but you weren’t there for long. A very distinctive pair of mares was, though.”

“I’m going to stop you there,” Spike said. “I can assure you that Lady Navarone was at the festival for exactly one day. That’s the end of the story.” As expected, Clementine’s horn didn’t light up. After all, I was playing the part of a maid the rest of the time, not Lady Navarone. Spike really was starting to learn how to talk around the truth from this interview, so I’m glad I decided to bring him.

“If Nav says she was only there for a short time, it was obviously true,” Fleur said. “Though you said you spent time in the castle, Nav. Do you know more of the griffin royal family?”

“I have a lot of respect for King Bloodbeak. Dude’s pretty chill. And while I was there, I became acquainted with the crown prince. We didn’t have time to speak long, but we promised to talk more later. Princess Gilda is a special friend of mine. I met the rest of the royal family while serving as a guard to an ambassador, but I don’t know them very well.”

“You say that Princess Gilda is a special friend of yours,” Clem said. “I’ve heard talk of other special relationships you have with princesses.”

“You should be careful not to spread rumors about the royalty of foreign nations,” I replied. “It’s well-known that I’m a slut, so if you start to imply things like that, Gilda will get a bad reputation. She’s a special friend because she’s helping me bring back human technology. It’s amazing how intelligent she is.”

“Wait, why are you relying on a griffin instead of a pony?” Clem asked.

“Well, why not?” She replied by blinking several times, which didn’t really tell me much. “Is there a problem with asking someone who’s qualified to help me?”

“I mean… You’re an Equestrian noble, right? Why would you want to spread your technology to the griffins?”

“Why would I want to keep it to myself?” Her reply was even more blinks. “Equestria is incredibly inconvenient compared to my time. Supply lines are unsteady and inconsistent, so prices vary wildly from region to region. In some places, certain goods just outright aren’t available. In my time, I could, from the comfort of my own home, order almost anything I wanted and have it delivered within a day. If that wasn’t fast enough, I could get to a store where I could buy almost anything I’d ever need within fifteen minutes of walking. Obviously I crave that convenience again, and I intend to drag this country towards it. If that requires accepting help from outside sources like griffins, changelings, and minotaurs, so be it. I don’t care if we all share success together, as long as I never have to leave my house to deal with people again.”

“Nav… You can’t just let your true intentions show,” Fleur said, hanging her head in disappointment.

“The point is, I don’t care who I have to work with. Being useful is all that matters. And since Princess Gilda is a special kind of useful, obviously she’s a friend.”

“Hm, I see…” Clem slowly replied. “So, have you had sex with her?”

“How dare you even ask me—”

“Yes or no, please,” she said, cutting off my rant. “I know you’ve been talking around the truth the whole time. Did you really expect me to just let you get away with it?”

“Yes, I did expect you to just let me get away with it,” I replied.

“I agree with Nav,” Fleur said. “Spreading rumors about royalty isn’t in anybody’s best interest. Shall we move on to another topic?”

“And let her just get away with it?!”

“Oh, you could talk about your new army,” Spike said. “Jak mentioned that a few of those golems could take down a city, right? And you have around a hundred of them now, right?”

“Wait, what?!” Clem shouted. “You’re building an army of super soldiers that can destroy cities?!”

“Yes, of course. I wish I had thought about it so I could have brought one to show you. They’re magical golems created by applying runes to metal, stone, or wood. The first models were made for combat. I saw one in action. It was breathtakingly beautiful, a true master of violence. I know there are models now for carrying cargo and exploration. There are a lot of changes coming to Equestria. Things are definitely going to be getting more convenient soon.”

“Why… why are you making an army?”

“Because I’ve spent my entire time in Equestria wishing someone would save me from this hellish existence. It’s clear now that nobody’s coming for me, which means I need to save myself. Building an army is a good start.”

“And… Celestia’s just letting that happen?”

“Yeah, she’s cool with it. Well, it’s not like I can be stopped at this point anyway.”

“...Are you trying to say you’re more powerful than the princess, now?”

“That wasn’t my intent, no. Anyway, enough about her. This interview is supposedly about me, right?”

“Well, what do you think of Princess Celestia?” Clem asked. “I know your relationship with her has been rocky for a while. For a little while, I honestly thought you would be the next one to disappear. But lately… she seems to be smiling quite nicely while you’re around.”

“It’s creepy that you know something like that,” Spike muttered.

“In this case, the only winning move is not to play,” I replied. “I have no comments about Princess Celestia.”

“Nav, you know she won’t be mad, no matter what you say,” Spike said.

“I’m in this to win, Spike. Can we move on to another subject?”

“Before we do, one quick question,” Clem said. “When I put this in print, should I put down that you were too scared to comment?”

“Being too scared to comment itself is probably a comment, but… that’s fine. I’m not sure if fear is really the right word, but… No, I’ll leave it at that. Anything else might sound like a comment.” I just know Celestia will be all smug and smiley if I said anything nice and mopey and sad if I said anything mean. The only way to stop her from being annoying is to just say nothing at all. “Though if I’m really honest, I’d rather you not put this part to print at all. After all, I didn’t have a comment…”

“Oh, this is going to be split into several parts. We kinda rambled and meandered, so first I’ll need to structure it all together so it’s thematically consistent throughout. Then I’ll cut out all the stuff that I can’t safely publish. Finally, I’ll split it into various subjects and release them as snippets of our interview.”

“As long as you don’t purposefully take things I say out of context to make me look bad, I’m good.”

“Libel is illegal in Equestria,” Clem replied.

“That’s not libel, though.”

“What you just described is one of the qualifiers for slander in Equestrian law, actually,” Spike said. “A few centuries ago, some journalists basically went nuts and got a lot of people in trouble for nothing. After that, taking things out of context in a way that harms the reputation of others is considered slanderous behavior. Or I guess in this case, it would be libelous.”

“Wow. I guess I really was worried about the media for no reason. In my time, political operatives masqueraded as journalists and laundered hit pieces through nationally acclaimed news outlets. One of their big methods of destroying people was taking what they said out of context. It was perfectly legal, so people who weren’t paying much attention never realized they were being deceived since the outlets almost never got in trouble for it. That meant you could effectively lie about someone to an audience of millions of people with no consequences, making destroying their lives a piece of cake.”

“That’s… terrifying,” Fleur whispered.

“It means Clem really is toothless, too!” I said with a broad smile. “Maybe I can tell you even more…?”

“I… I don’t know if I can mentally handle more dark secrets right now,” Clem said, looking away. “C-can’t we keep things normal?”

“Where’s that journalistic spirit of yours?” I asked. “You seemed pretty fired up when I got here!”

“I w-wanted the truth, but… if you finally learn the truth but can’t comprehend it, have you… really gained anything? Isn’t it more of a curse than a blessing? And for the truth I can comprehend, if I can’t share it… Why even bother?!”

“I can’t help but wonder if I’d be like that if I learned all this at once,” Spike said. “When you learn it all over time, you get used to the feeling of despair before it can fully crush you. But if it hits you all at once…”

“You’re both just being dramatic,” I said, waving a hand. “I mean, we haven’t even talked about the hostile nation of intelligent giant spiders living on the continent to our south yet.”

Clem’s bloodshot eyes crossed up so she could look at her horn. It still wasn’t lighting up. “W-why?! Why aren’t any of these things lies?!”

“Hm, you want me to tell you a lie?” I asked, tilting my head slightly. “How about… Celestia’s scarier than I am!” The mare’s horn finally lit up. Instead of putting her at ease, though, all the light finally seemed to leave her eyes. It made me giggle and wrap my arms around Fleur. “What’s wrong, silly? Don’t you have more questions?”

“Nav, I think you’re being a little too… you know, again,” Spike whispered.

“Sorry, sorry, I just lose myself to it sometimes. But come on, isn’t she so adorable? Acting like she still had hope for the world or something… That lost, broken look on her face suits her better, don’t you think?”

“Now you’re definitely being a little too you know,” he said.

“Somehow I had a feeling this interview would be a huge mistake,” Fleur muttered. “And yet… And yet… Why can’t I stop smiling?”

“Ugh… P-ponyville! Let’s talk about Ponyville, Lady Navarone! You lived there for years, after all. It’s quite the famous town. Surely you have all kinds of stories about it, right?”

“I do have an interesting one. Do you want to hear the truth about the founding of Ponyville?”

As soon as I said the word truth, Clementine broke out in sweat. “N-no, I… Er, the readers want to know m-more about you, Lady Navarone! Can’t you tell us a little about your life in Ponyville, before you became a noble? What was a day like in the life of a great hero?”

Throwing too much at her all at once might do irreversible damage, so I decided to be lenient and answer her question properly. Sadly, the answer was boring and forgettable. It seemed some mundanity is what the reporter needed, as she finally perked up a little.

When she got tired of that, she changed the subject yet again. “So, Lady Navarone, I… have something of a sensitive topic. Would you mind if I asked a few questions about Luna?”

“I’d prefer you not, but it’s probably better to answer some concerns a few people might have. So do what you must.”

“I guess we’ll start from the beginning, then. When and how did you first meet her?”

“She tracked me down late one night while I was out for a walk. It wasn’t too long after I was first created. At the time, I had no idea what a princess was even doing out where I was. Later, I found out Celestia sent her to scout me out.”

“To scout you out? For what purpose?”

“Any purpose at all. Luna happened to think I’d be good for combat. Long story short, that’s how I ended up as a knight.”

“What did you think about meeting her at the time?”

“I was scared. All the ponies in Ponyville are absolutely terrified about the idea of upsetting Princess Celestia. The kind of instinctual terror they had gave me reason to worry. And when I met both sisters, I realized there was something unfathomable about them. It just took me too long to realize what it was.” Not that I ever had a chance of escaping.

“Was there ever a time when you weren’t afraid of Luna?”

“Before I left Equestria on my airship, no. I lived in constant fear.”

“She admitted to committing a few very serious crimes against you, Lady Navarone.”

“...Yes, I remember. I was there, unfortunately.”

“Why did you run after her confession, Lady Navarone?”

“Because I was a broken coward. She confessed those crimes because of an ultimatum I gave her, but I only gave it to her because I didn’t think she had the resolve to actually confess.”

“You gave a princess an ultimatum?” Clem asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I told her if she admitted to her crimes, I’d consider forgiving her. I shouldn’t have said that, though.”

“How long was Celestia aware of Luna’s abuse?”

“Longer than I’ve been alive,” I replied. “Apparently she has a history of things like this.”

“And yet… you made her a vassal.”

“That circles back around to the water elemental I told you about, Aqua. Luna asked me while Aqua was in charge and I was forced to agree.”

“Aqua is no longer in control, yet you haven’t cast Luna aside.”

“Atonement is a better path forward for someone like her than rotting in a cell, I think. She’s pretty useful, I gotta say.”

“...And yet, instead of blackmailing someone to give them a chance to work for you, you’d rather ruin them?”

“I can’t just go around fixing everyone I meet,” I replied. “Do you know how traumatizing it is to have people who’ve done horrible things to me around all the time? The more terrible people I attach to myself at the hip, the worse I feel. It just so happens that people like Luna and Kat have skills valuable enough for me to get over that aversion. It also just so happens that I didn’t have to blackmail them to serve me. They chose to do it of their own volition. Meanwhile, any horrible person I get working for me due to blackmail is probably going to have a grudge. Much better to just get rid of them entirely. If I want a talented person to work for me, I’ll go to a hiring agency, or to friends like Fleur. After all, she has wonderful friends like you. There’s no reason to turn to my enemies.”

“Do you actually trust that Luna intends to serve you faithfully?” Clem asked.

“For as long as I continue to be a person worth serving, I believe so. In fact, when she first became my vassal, her intense devotion was a little troubling. Then there was the dog collar incident… But I think we’ll strike a good balance soon. Plus, her tummy is nice and rubbable and she never puts up any kind of fuss no matter how much I pet her.”

“You don’t have to put that part in the paper,” Fleur quickly said.

“You… pet ponies?” Clem slowly asked.

“Of course. If you’d like me to demonstrate, you’re welcome to take Fleur’s spot on my lap.” She stared at me incredulously. “In fact, I insist. Join me over here, Clementine.”

“No, that won’t do,” Fleur said. “Nav, you can’t just use your position as a noble to touch whatever mare you set your eyes on.”

“If she’s going to be writing the fact that I pet ponies, she should experience it herself so she can explain it properly. It certainly wouldn’t be good if anyone got the wrong idea, after all. So come on over, Clementine!”

“I’m… I’m not sure I’m comfortable…”

“Then don’t ask me any more questions about it. Shall we move on?”

“W-wait, who else do you pet?!”

“If you refuse to experience it properly, I don’t see why I should explain anything. So let’s move on to the next topic.”

“I think that’s for the best, yes,” Fleur said with a nod. “Not just everyone deserves the wonderful feeling of your fingers, Navi. It should be reserved for those of us who are loyal by choice.”

“Well, she is a good friend of yours,” I replied, booping Fleur. “That means she’s loyal by choice, right? In that vein, shouldn’t I reward her with pets?”

“What do you mean by reward?” Clem asked. “How could something so demeaning be a reward?”

“You forfeited your right to ask questions when you refused Nav’s generous offer,” Fleur replied. “Now I insist we find a new topic!”

“And her tummy looks so rubbable, too,” I whispered.

“Have you ever seen a pony without a rubbable looking belly?” Spike asked.

“Yes, but they’re rare. I can’t judge just by sight, but Clem is probably at least a seven out of ten. But somehow, her journalistic spirit isn’t intrigued by this new discovery, so we really should move on.”

“R-right, let’s get… b-back on track,” Clem said, her ears twitching like crazy. “Um… You’re also friends with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor, correct?”

Friend is such a strong word, but… “That’s right. They actually happen to be staying in my manor at the moment, along with their filly. I didn’t really start as friends with either of them, but we got closer in time.”

“I could see how you’d butt heads with the captain of the guard, but Princess Cadance is supposedly friendly with everyone. How was it that you two didn’t start as friends?”

“I was very wary of her love powers, especially since she attempted to use them against me. She caused quite a lot of chaos in Canterlot Castle when she failed, too. Also, she was a little too innocent in the beginning. It took time for us to see eye to eye. It probably would have helped if I wasn’t so unpleasant back then.”

“Are you claiming to be pleasant now?” Clem asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“I mean, comparatively. For example, I don’t threaten reporters anymore. And it’s been… a few months since I last hit any members of royalty. I think the last one was slapping Celestia a few times. She deserved it, though, so it’s cool.”

“You… you slapped Princess Celestia?” Clem said, though it came out kinda like a croak.

“Your horn didn’t light up, so I don’t see any reason for you to ask something when I literally just told you the answer.”

“Forgive me for being shocked!”

“No. How many times have you been shocked in this conversation? When are you going to steel yourself already? It’s obvious we’re talking about some surprising things in this interview. If you react like this every time, it’s just going to make it take longer.”

“Nav…” Fleur whispered, patting my leg. “It means less when the main reason you keep saying these shocking things is to get that kind of reaction…”

“Yeah, but you don’t normally see a pony’s face go this color,” I replied. “Isn’t that worth it, in a way?” I couldn’t tell if Clem was angry or just too shocked to reply. Her face was turning a strange purple and a part of me wondered if we’d need to call for medical help. I didn’t let that fear show on my face and instead kept on my perfect smile.

“It uh… It has been a little while since the interview started,” Spike said. “Maybe we should take a short break? I wouldn’t mind stopping by the bathroom, myself…”

“Right, sorry about forgetting your mortal concerns,” I said. “By all means, we can recess for a few minutes. We passed a small company store on the way in. I’ll grab something and be back in a bit.”

“Did you even bring any bits?” Spike asked.

“I don’t need to,” I confidently replied, holding out one of my hands. A small sack instantly appeared on it. When I opened it to check, it had ten bits. Thank you for letting Luna know, Darya. She got it here quickly. Knowing her, though, I expected a bag of a hundred or more instead. “You wanna come with, Fleur?”

“But of course!” She finally slid off my lap. If I was still a normal human, my legs would have been asleep. My new and improved part-fae body seemed built for hosting small creatures across my lap, so my legs never fell asleep. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t going to complain.

“W-where… where did that b-bag come from?” Clem whispered.

It looked like she was starting to calm down, so I clearly knew my answer. “Sorry, we decided to recess. We can talk about it when I get back.” Her face fell and slammed into her desk. The three of us walked out into the hall, leaving her door open behind us.

“Technically speaking, I’m probably not supposed to leave your side, as your guard,” Spike said.

“I’m not going to the bathroom with you. Just come back here when you’re done. It shouldn’t take long for us to get a sandwich or something.”

“Promise not to go on any adventures,” he replied, crossing his arms. “To the cafe and back, no detours.”

“Fleur is my chaperone. Do you really think she’ll let that happen?”

“She kinda just sat there and watched as you ran that interview straight into the ground.”

“Yeah, but she’s having fun, so that doesn’t count. Anyway, we’re going. See you.” He sighed, but didn’t try to stop me.

“It’s not like I didn’t try to stop you,” Fleur said in my head as she followed alongside me.

Making use of the elementals to talk was probably wise, given that we were in enemy territory, so I replied in kind. “It didn’t really seem like your heart was in it, you know?”

“Somehow it seems that no matter what I do, I end up marching to the beat of your drum, Nav. Is that what the pull you described is all about? Is that why you find it so easy to just drag me along like it’s nothing, to make my heart beat faster than no one else?”

“Probably. I may be the main character, but my personality is in no way conducive to building a harem. The only way this could have ever happened is with some kind of external assistance. I mean, you were targeting me before we were even friendly, just in a different way.”

“Your low self-confidence comes out in the strangest of ways sometimes. To get back to more pressing matters, what happened to all that talk in the carriage ride about trying to behave? Nav, I set this interview up for you hoping you could use it to improve things. Bullying your interviewer is hardly the best way to accomplish that.”

“If she doesn’t want to end up in a changeling hive, she’s going to write whatever you tell her to write. At least, if she doesn’t want certain pieces of evidence to cross Blossom’s desk.”

“...So Blossom told you about that. And you waited until now to bring it up?”

“Blossom didn’t tell me, actually. I saw it in the coma. And why do you think I went into length about the subject in the interview? It was my hint to Clem that she wants to stay your good friend. And it was also my hint to you, Fleur.” Namely, don’t do this again.

“My methods for obtaining supporters are much more limited than yours, Nav. I don’t always have the option to be picky, especially not when emergencies are involved. And if I put all my evidence to use blatantly destroying my opponents, it won’t take very long for their allies to put together evidence to destroy me. Sometimes the best thing a mare can do is make use of it in the right place at the right time. As you said, the only way blackmail works is if the person being blackmailed is guilty of worse things than blackmail itself. Doesn’t that make it the lesser of two evils?”

“Can we really vanquish the greatest evil there is by making the choice to pick any evil at all? Inviting traitors into the fold is dangerous, Fleur. Especially when they commit treason for mere coin. Didn’t you say she was printing propaganda for other countries in exchange for gold?”

“Then bribe her to make her loyal. If you pay the biggest salary, she won’t turn her head.”

“I’d sooner throw her to the changelings. She’s your pet, not mine.” And for the first time in the conversation, I finally opened my mouth. “So, what kind of sandwich do you want?” The company store wasn’t all that large, as expected. All the options were vegetarian, because ponies suck. There were a few other options aside from sandwiches, but they’d be a pain to eat without a desk or silverware.

“Egg salad for me, please,” Fleur said, also finally using her mouth.

“Can we get three egg salad sandwiches, please?” I asked the mare at the counter.

“I never expected to see the hero Navarone in my store,” the mare replied as she started wrapping them up.

“Life sure takes you places,” I said. “I never expected to be giving an interview, myself. I also never thought I’d be someone so recognizable. Maybe I should start spreading some kind of urban legend about how spotting me makes weird things happen to you for five days?”

“Does it?”

“No clue,” I replied with a shrug. “How much are the sandwiches?”

“No charge, ma’am,” the mare said. “My niece was in the tower the day the demons took it over. You saved her life.”

“Oh. Well, thank you. I hope if weird things do happen to you, they’re mostly good ones.”

“I hope so as well, ma’am,” she said as she hoofed me the bag with the sandwiches. “Good luck with your interview!”

“I’m giving it my all.” She waved as we took the sandwiches and left, heading back to Clem’s office. “Celestia didn’t give me a single bit when I took those demons out, even after I got hurt for it. But now, my efforts have finally been rewarded, Fleur. That wonderful mare just gave me free food. How can a single store clerk give better rewards than the princess of half the world?”

“Did you ask Celestia for a reward?”

“I didn’t ask that mare for free sandwiches. Next time the election comes up, I’ll vote for her instead.”

“You didn’t even get her name, Nav. And what election?”

“The princess election, and I’m having the elementals wire the building. I’ll learn her name eventually. Anyway, just think how bored you’d be if I behaved myself all the time. To be honest, you probably never would have even noticed me if I wasn’t like this.”

“No offense, but you’re impossible not to notice, even back when you were what you called a normal human. After all, you are also the only human. That definitely makes you stand out.”

“I’m not the only human, just the only one most people will ever have the chance to see. I got to see two of the other humans earlier and I gotta say, I’m probably the most normal one.”

“That’s terribly sad, isn’t it?” Fleur whispered.

“In semi-related news, I was also forcefully kissed by those two humans. It was kinda spooky.”

“Spooky, hm? Are you sure it didn’t excite you?”

“No, it spooked me the heck out. Especially since one of them was talking about keeping me there by force just seconds before kissing me and the other literally looks like a child.”

“Oh. Yes, that sounds spooky, alright. So… You kissed a little child, then?”

“Don’t put that on me. She forced her lips on mine while I was chained to a chair. Besides, she only looks like a child. She’s a hag on the inside. Unlike some people, I don’t judge others out loud by how they look, only how they act. She can look like a loli all she wants, but she’s still a hag. That means my lips were stolen by two different hags this morning.”

“Well, allow me to help reduce their influence,” Fleur replied. She stopped me to lean up for a kiss, which I accepted without a fuss. “There, isn’t that better?”

When you compare human lips to horse lips, I’d still rather prefer the human, but… “Yes, thank you.” I mean, at this point, can Hera or Athena really be called human? They’re probably just as human as I am, now.

“I suppose I can see why you’re acting out after such a horrific experience,” Fleur said as we continued. “But you really shouldn’t take out your frustration on Clementine, Nav.”

“I know, but I’m too scared to take out my frustration on the two who are actually guilty. Besides, Clem asked for the truth. It’s not my fault she can’t handle it.”

“There’s not a pony alive who wouldn’t have issues digesting everything we talked about in that interview…”

“How much time do you have booked for this, anyway? We’ve probably been here about two hours already.”

“Three and a half hours total,” Fleur replied. “I know it’s far too late at this point, but… do you think you could consider behaving for the rest of it?”

“I considered behaving for the first half. I just chose not to. I don’t see why I should be forced to consider it a second time, but I’ll do it as a special favor to you. But again, I do have to ask… Where’s the fun in that? Would you be able to wear a real smile if you heard me talk like a boring noble?”

“Short-term happiness is easily eclipsed by long-term consequences, Nav. You should be well aware of this by now.”

“We only have to worry about consequences if you allow your pet to misbehave, Fleur. How I acted in that interview never mattered in the first place.”

“I… suppose I can see why you would come to that conclusion.” It wasn’t that long of a walk back to the office, so we made it back before she could annoy me any more. Spike was already waiting for us by the door.

“Did she behave?” he asked Fleur as soon as we got close.

“I don’t wanna hear that from the guy getting a free sandwich,” I said, handing him one of the three.

“We’re all getting them for free,” Fleur said, floating hers over with magic. “The mare gave them to us since Nav saved her niece’s life in the mage’s tower.”

“That’s extremely not the point. Anyway, let’s get back in there, eat, and start round two.”

Spike had the audacity to pat me on the head with a small yet proud smile. I was too shocked to even try defending myself. “Sorry for doubting you, Nav.” He was already leading the way inside before I recovered. As much as I wanted to kick him, I knew I missed my chance. There was no choice but to let him get away with it.

This time.

When we entered, Clem was massaging her temples with her hooves and muttering something. Her eyes were closed, but there’s no way she didn’t hear us walking in. If she wanted to ignore us, though, I was all for having a moment to eat. I took my spot back on the couch. This time, Fleur didn’t plop herself across me, but she did take up residence next to me.

Long story short, the sandwich was pretty good.

Better yet, Clem was mostly recovered when we finished. She still seemed exhausted, but she didn’t need to be attentive when everything was being recorded anyway.

The bad news is, I decided to behave to placate Fleur. I didn’t really wanna, but nobody really wants to be an adult. Sadly, it meant the rest of the interview was so boring I barely remember it. It certainly wasn’t worth the trouble of jotting down, even if Flo would probably be happy to do it for me.

By the end of it, Clem actually looked a little more positive. It sickened me, but at least Fleur was happy.

When we finally got out of the building, I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. “It’s finally over… I know I don’t need to be worried about what she writes, but the thought of appearing in a newspaper still feels weird to me.”

“Given how long you two talked, she’ll probably be able to spread it out over at least a month’s worth of papers,” Spike replied. “So rejoice, my lady. You’ll be even more famous!”

“Spike is absolutely right, but it will take some time to censor her properly,” Fleur said. “I was hoping to have at least a part of the interview released before the pageant begins, but that may be a pipe dream now…”

“I have faith in you,” I said, patting her back. “So, homeward bound?”

“Yes, to pick up Kat and Princess Gilda, if they’re available,” Fleur said. “Then we’ll be heading out to the spa. It’s the last day before the pageant begins, so we need to make sure you’re all sparkling!”

Literally hell. “If we must.”

“We absolutely must. Now, let me call our carriage.” Her horn lit up and a buzzer appeared. She pressed a button on it and the thing began gently flashing. The chariot wasn’t parked far at all, as it soon came into view.

Darya, warn Kat we’re coming. Make sure she’s up and energized. And if possible, ask the elementals at the Zone to send Princess Gilda back to the house. I know she probably cares more about her work than Fleur’s nonsense, but if I’m forced to deal with it, I’m dragging her down with me.

“Of course,” Darya replied in my head. “You may not consider yourself all too human anymore, but the way you express spite and drag others down with you is incredibly human-like to me, my lady.”

Thank you, Darya. That means a lot to me. “I guess we’ll need to change guards when we get back,” I said after we were all loaded into the carriage. “I’m sure one of the mares will be willing to join us.”

“Wait, why?” Spike asked. “It’s been ages since I got to go to a Canterlot spa!”

“I’m afraid Nav is right,” Fleur said. “We can hardly have a gentleman accompany us to the spa, of all places.” Spike seemed crestfallen, but that’s what he gets for just assuming he was invited.

“Do they take walk-ins?” I asked.

“I made appointments for all the contestants,” Fleur replied. “This will be the first time all of you get together, since you resisted all of my efforts so far. I’m quite looking forward to it!”

“I’m happy for you,” I replied with a small smile.

“But not happy for yourself?”

“No, I’m dying on the inside right now. The upside is that I already know most of the contestants. The downside is everything else.”

“That’s quite a pessimistic outlook, Nav. Soon you’ll see all those worries were for nothing!”

“Nav, it sounds like you need to cuddle something cute for a few minutes,” Spike said. “Will Fleur hold you over until you can get your hands on Skyla?”

“Fleur’s elegance and beauty completely overshadow her cuteness, unfortunately,” I replied, looking the mare up and down.

“I’ll have to work on that,” Fleur said. “If cuteness truly can calm you down, perhaps we can avoid you going out of control in the next interview.”

“I behaved myself for the second part. Besides, it’s not like it matters when your pet’s the one doing the writing. And Clementine loves learning the truth, so I’m sure she was ecstatic about the whole affair.”

“It looked like she was in despair before we took that break,” Spike said.

“Sorry, I sometimes forget about the concerns of mortals,” I replied. “I should have realized she needed a break sooner.”

“You truly can be quite the hoofful at times, Nav,” Fleur said, shaking her head.

“Thanks to Hera, I’m actually two handfuls now,” I said, firmly grasping my tiddies. “They’re fun to play with, but pretty inconvenient and heavy.”

“If you ever need me to help hold them up, I’m here for you,” Spike said.

“You’re such a good friend, Spike,” I replied. “So, what can you tell me about this spa? It’s gotta be big if it’s going to host all the contestants at once.”

And so Fleur delved into the history of the famous spa we were visiting. In fact, she delved way too far into it, to the point where she didn’t shut up until we got back to the house. The short version is that a kind of hot spring was discovered while they were digging the mines under Canterlot. A few entrepreneurs built it up into a bath and over time, it morphed into a spa. It was probably the oldest one in Equestria. The place sounded much better than the Hamlet of Mehdiocrity. As for whether or not a massage from hooves was worth receiving… Well, I guess I was going to find out.

When we got back to the manor, Gilda still hadn’t returned. Apparently she had been doing some experiments at a remote part of the bunker complex, but she was reluctantly working her way to a teleport circle. Kat, of course, was waiting for us in the entrance hall. The instant I stepped inside, she appeared before me.

Shockingly, she didn’t lunge at me or latch onto me, but curtsied properly. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said with a surprisingly warm voice. Who is this person? Is it Doppel in disguise? Or did Kat get possessed by one of the ghosts from the bunker? “...Is something wrong, my lady?”

“You didn’t launch yourself at me. It caught me off guard.”

“You’ve asked me to stop doing that. Why should it surprise you that I stopped?”

“Because you generally ignore me when I ask you to stop doing things.”

She looked down and her smile faded away. “I couldn’t stand the thought of driving you to the point of replacing me. So I will do better, my lady. My insanity may disqualify me from standing at your side at all times, but… I couldn’t live if you cast me away… And seeing your looks of disappointment and disgust when I draw closer wears on me. I will do my best to become perfect for you, my lady!”

“Thank you, Kat. I’m not sure if I’m worthy of that level of devotion, but hopefully I’ll continue becoming less shitty, too.” It’s weird, though. Even with how terrifying Kat is, I never really thought about asking her to leave.

“I can’t imagine Nav ever getting rid of you, though,” Fleur said. “She’s too weak against love, and you obviously love her more than almost anyone else. You’re also cute and crazy hot.”

“Coasting on my amazing body isn’t enough anymore,” Kat replied, keeping her eyes firmly on me. “I might win my lady’s attention that way, but nothing else. One day, I want you to look upon me with pride, not just scorn or lust.”

You’re fighting an uphill battle, but it looks like you’re finally getting started. Darya, thank Cascade for me. Looks like she’s doing something useful in Kat’s head. “I’m looking forward to seeing how you do in the pageant, Kat,” I said with a smile. “It should be a good chance to see your progress. Though if I’m honest, I expect you to win.”

“Should you be saying that without having met the rest of the contestants?” Spike asked.

“I can’t think of any better woman than Kat to represent the best traits of femininity here in this barbaric post-apocalyptic society,” I replied with a shrug. “Hot, lethal, sociopathic, stealthy, talented with music, acrobatic, plus a lot more. Everything you need to survive this awful wasteland, really. Compared to a softy like Octavia or a meathead like Kumani, she seems like a clear frontrunner.”

“Wow,” Fleur said.

“It's obvious when you think about it, isn’t it?” I said. “I was planning on putting some bets on Kat, if I can find any bookies. Anyway, no sense standing around the entryway. I’m heading up to my room for a moment.”

“Would you like me to help you find another outfit for the spa, my lady?” Kat asked. “That outfit seems a little formal.”

“Sure.”

“Wait, I’d actually quite like to talk about what you just said,” Fleur interjected. “What do you mean, post-apocalyptic wasteland?!”

“I mean, there have been a ton of apocalypses, you know,” I said. “As far as I’m concerned, this place is pretty barbaric compared to what I left behind. The largest, most powerful countries are all ruled by beings with absolute power, lording over their people as gods. Most of the landmass is either covered in monsters or otherwise uninhabitable, making the majority of the world essentially a wasteland. Hordes of roaming spirits haunt every place imaginable, driving the living to commit the same mistakes for generations on end. A demon god extinguishes almost all civilization every few thousand years. This can’t be described as anything other than a pure hellscape, can it?”

“...When you put it like that, of course it sounds bad,” Fleur muttered.

“I mean, sure, you can take a walk around and everything seems fine on the surface level,” I said. “Smiles on the faces of all the common ponies, food in everyone’s belly, money in everyone’s wallet… But peel back even a single layer and you start seeing this death world for what it truly is. Anyway, we’re on the clock. Come along, Kat. And Spike, I’ll be asking you to deliver something soon.”

“I’ll be waiting in the sun room,” he replied.

I finally led the way further into the house, where I immediately found Doppel waiting for me. “Welcome back, my lady,” she said with a wide smile. “Would you like me to prepare anything?”

“I’m heading up to change real quick,” I said. “I’m sure Fleur would appreciate tea. Don’t worry about me.”

“Of course I’ll worry about you,” Doppel said. “I spend my days doing nothing else, in fact. So I’ll have tea ready for you when you get back downstairs, of course!”

“Do as you must.” After spending so long talking, it might actually be good for my throat.

“You also received a letter, my lady,” Doppel said. “It’s upstairs on your desk.”

“...Now that I think about it, I kinda figured I would have gotten a lot more letters. Invites to parties, letters of introduction, probably more.”

“We would never allow such things to waste your time,” Kat said.

“This one happens to be anonymous,” Doppel said. “We figured you’d find it amusing, so we left it for you after running a few magic scans on it. We have no idea what it says, but it’s safe.”

“They probably just forgot to sign the envelope or something,” I said. “Whatever, I’ll check it out. I should be down soon.” I finally started heading to the stairs. Kat followed along behind me. Fleur and Doppel went off to the kitchen. Spike made his way to the sun room.

As promised, a letter was sitting on top of my desk when we got up to my room. The dayglass was sitting next to it. All the sand had fallen to the bottom, so my seed was ready.

“It seems things are going to get busy soon,” Kat said as she walked over to one of the wardrobes.

“Seems that way,” I said, making my way over to the desk. “The pageant’s probably gonna be hectic. I’m really looking forward to it being over.”

“I do hope you at least try to enjoy it, my lady…” Who allowed you to have any hope?

I didn’t reply out loud. Instead, I cut the letter open and began reading. As I did, a smile soon crossed my face. “Oh, how cute… I might have to frame this!”

“Is it a photo?” Kat asked.

“Oh, no. It’s a death threat.” Kat sprinted across the room, dropping the clothes in her paws to move faster. Before I could finish reading, she snatched it from my hands and sniffed the ink. After a few seconds, she sighed in relief. “Not poison?” I asked.

“Sorry, my lady,” she said, passing it back. “It was habit.”

“Thanks for the thought, but I’m immune to poison.” I took a few seconds to finish reading the letter. There really weren’t many details, not that I expected any. Whoever this person was planned to kill me during the pageant, it seemed. “I guess I actually do have something to look forward to!”

“My lady, how can you even say that?” Kat asked.

She took the letter as I handed it to her. While she read it over, I pulled out the bag of ten bits I got from Luna and set it on the desk. That was what I promised Spike for delivering the seed, so having it pre-bagged was pretty convenient. I didn’t have any other bags around, so I’d have to just hand him the seed.

“They… intend to attack in the open?” Kat whispered.

“Is that viable?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve done something similar before,” Kat said. “The client requested I send a death threat, so I started with that. However, I killed the target before the date specified in the letter, to catch him off guard.”

“Today is the last day before the pageant, so that’s unlikely. If I’m honest, I’m really curious who thinks they’re powerful enough to murder me in front of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, Moonbeam, Luna, and possibly Celestia.”

“I can understand being curious, but… why would you be looking forward to this?” Kat asked.

“I mean, think about it,” I said as I finally started pulling off my clothes. “The pageant is gonna be pretty boring and miserable, right?”

“Obviously. But asking for an assassin to spice it up is a little much, don’t you think?”

“Normally, sure. But if an assassin is just gonna come knocking, how could I possibly look that gift horse in the mouth?” Finally, I stood before Kat in my birthday suit. Normally, her eyes would be glued on my body. Now, though, her eyes were firmly locked onto mine. “So, worst case scenario: An assassin shows up and makes things interesting. Best case scenario: They kill me and I wake up with no memories of the pageant at all. It’s win-win, really!” With that, I finally removed my backup seed.

Everything instantly went black all around me.