Diaries of a Madman

Chapter Two Hundred and Sixteen

This memory placed me in the dining room in Celestia’s palace. Luna was sitting in her old spot, Celestia was in her normal spot, and I made sure there was only a single chair between them so neither could claim I was giving one more attention than the other. We just sat down and food was in the process of being set down before us.

As soon as the servants were gone, Luna quietly sighed. “My lady, is there a reason you asked me to join you here, of all places? I think we’d be much happier celebrating your glorious display at the pageant with the others at your wonderful manor instead of here in this dingy place.”

“Yes, there is,” I said. “Would half of you mind putting up a sound barrier?”

“Done,” Celestia said, beating Luna to the punch. She smiled smugly at her ex-sister, who was glaring at her with her horn still lit.

“While I was in the coma, one of the memories I witnessed was Moonbeam talking to Discord. From what they were saying, the two of them made some kind of deal after we captured her. I believe she later broke the deal, but I thought it would be better if we confirmed the details.”

“The two of us together should be strong enough to defeat her,” Celestia said. “It might cause considerable collateral damage. It’s also likely that we’ll have to kill her if it comes to violence. I see no way to contain her, not anymore.”

“I’m going to do my best to make sure it doesn’t come to that,” I said.

“Why did it have to be now, though?” Luna asked. “I know all your servants want to congratulate you, my lady. You can push troublesome busy-work like this off until later, can’t you?”

“Procrastination is unbecoming of a countess,” I replied.

“And I hardly think this counts as busy work,” Celestia added. “If Moonie betrayed us to Discord yet again, confirming it is vital. Sooner is much better than later.”

Luna grumbled a few times and angrily stabbed at her food with a fork, but didn’t bother replying properly.

“Besides, there’s no reason to celebrate Nav’s success tonight,” Celestia said. “This is Nav we’re talking about. We all knew she’d do well!”

“Watching you shine on stage was like a dream come true, my lady!” Luna said with a wide grin. “I can’t wait for your next appearance!”

“Your opinion has been noted,” I replied as I finally started to eat. Celestia, perhaps sensing a chance to bond with her ex-sister, continued talking about me with Luna while I ate. They sure seemed to enjoy discussing my traumatic experience, but I was doing my best to pay absolutely no attention.

It’s a shame that the version of me viewing the memories couldn’t taste the food, because it looked pretty good.

Once the two alicorns were finished gushing about my cuteness (which was a few minutes after I finished eating), I softly cleared my throat. “So, how do we actually get in contact with Moonie? I never had the time to ask her where she’s staying.”

“You can leave that to me,” Celestia said. “She’s here in the palace, though I think she mentioned something about planning to sleep over at your manor. I do think we should relocate before summoning her, though.”

“Yeah, it would be rude to call her to your dining room,” I said. “Is there somewhere in the palace we could possibly have a battle of epic proportions without causing too much damage?”

“Several, but only one or two that would be innocuous enough not to immediately make Moonbeam wary,” Celestia said. “If you’d care to follow me, I’ll be happy to show you the way.”

“By all means,” I said, getting to my feet. “I’ll be relieved to have this over.”

Before I could take a step toward the door, Luna stepped in front of me, boxing me in between the chair and the table. “My lady, there’s no need to trouble yourself with walking. Allow me to carry you!”

“Do you really think I’m going to agree to that?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I have no idea how you think, my lady,” Luna replied. “Let me kneel down to make it easier for you!” She did just that while looking at me expectantly.

“Luna, I’m not going to ride you outside of combat or combat training. And even then, it’ll be mostly situational. I’m definitely not about to ride an alicorn through the Canterlot royal palace.”

“If you’re going to serve someone, you must serve them properly, Luna,” Celestia said. “That means you must keep their goals in mind at all times. You should know full well that Nav would never do something like riding a pony where other ponies might see. She doesn’t want the others to know she thinks so little of us, so she wouldn’t publicly demean one of their princess-figures.”

“Exactly,” I said with a nod. “I need the ponies to think I respect them until they’re no longer in a position to be a threat to me. Then I can recuse myself from society and live on as an immortal shut-in. Riding an alicorn through the palace goes against that narrative. I have to treat you respectfully in public, Luna.”

“...Even if I want you to ride me?” she quietly asked.

“I’m afraid so. Please step aside.” Luna sighed in disappointment, but finally got out of my way.

“I understand your feelings, Luna,” Celestia said with a smile. “Nav is adept at riding. She fits so comfortably upon my back, almost like we were made to be one. Yet she treats the idea with scorn, even though I find it so fulfilling…”

“Perhaps she thinks we enjoy neglect?” Luna asked. “Or perhaps it is her who enjoys neglecting us? My lady, please know that my body constantly yearns for your touch. I would prefer not to be neglected, so feel free to touch me considerably more often, be it tummy rubs, petting, belly rubs, riding, or rubbing my stomach.”

“It’s not that I enjoy neglecting you. It’s that I think anyone who is addicted to me touching them is creepy. Ideally, the goal would be to cure your addiction. I was hoping the coma would give everyone time to get over the withdrawal, but it didn’t seem to work. Anyway, this silliness has wasted enough time.”

“You consider my deepest yearning to be nothing but silliness?” Luna whispered.

“Sorry. This creepiness has wasted enough time. Is that better?”

“It’s just as hurtful, but in a different way.”

“Please remember that pain and put it to use in a positive way,” I said. “Do your best not to sound like a stalker in the future. I understand that you’ll probably always be mentally broken, but you don’t have to trouble other people with it. Sometimes, you should just keep things to yourself.”

“I will continue practicing…” she replied, hanging her head.

“Now then. Lead the way, Celestia.”

“Right this way,” she said, finally walking out into the hall. I followed her and Luna came behind me, pouting. Someone that old really had no right to look that cute, but I guess the world has always been a pretty unfair place. “I’m glad to see you aren’t just coddling her, Nav. I know your urge to do so is likely strong, but she needs to be taught properly. Oldlestia never put forth the effort. I was hoping to have the chance, but it seems she prefers you instead.”

“The urge to cuddle her and squish her cheeks is definitely strong, but I know I can’t give in,” I replied with a sigh. “She’s so utterly adorable, but she can’t just keep getting away with using that cuteness to get out of trouble. That way just leads to her continuously getting in trouble.”

“Yes, Oldlestia allowed her to get away with far too much. I don’t ask that you necessarily be strict with her, but do help her learn right from wrong. I mean, it’s quite problematic for a vassal to trouble you so. If she ever proves to be too much to handle, I’ll be happy to take her off your hooves.”

“Luna belongs to me.” We both ignored the delighted gasp coming from behind us. “I’m not giving her back. I will return her freedom if she asks, whereupon she can choose to return to your side, but until then, she is mine.”

“I see that you’re finally adopting the mindset of a noble,” Celestia said with a warm smile.

“I think it’s the fact that my mind is becoming more and more fae,” I said. “The tree sister part of me probably wants me to own powerful people that are close to me, even if they don’t have a human-like pull. I actually said something similar about Kat recently, now that I think about it… I don’t think I really feel the same way toward Watcher or Gourd, but I’d probably kill anyone that tried to take Doppel or Spike.”

“Or maybe… you’re learning the magic of friendship?” Celestia asked.

“Ha, gay. How far is this safe room of yours, anyway?”

“I purposefully placed it close to the dining room, so not very,” she replied, finally coming to a stop in front of a familiar door. When she pushed it open, I discovered the dreaded sitting room within. “Oldlestia designed this room to be comfortable for you. And after your prank with teleporting Luna in here, she fortified the magical defenses around it so that could never happen again. Thanks to that, it’s one of the more well-defended places in the palace.”

I sighed in disappointment and let myself in first, since the room was apparently designed with me in mind. “Is there really any reason for you to have a sitting room dedicated to me anymore?” I asked as I claimed one of the couches.

“You’re in here using it, aren’t you?” Celestia replied with a smile.

“...Fair enough.” I patted my lap, prompting Luna to plop down across it, presenting her tummy to me. Since she apparently felt neglected, I had to make it up for her at least a little. Or at least, that was the excuse I told myself as I started petting her.

“I suppose that’s one way to ensure Moonie can’t harm you,” Celestia said. “Though if she really is on Discord’s side, it’s likely that she wouldn’t attack you anyway, Nav. If anything, she’d try to kidnap you and escape.”

“Why do you think I have my professional guard alicorn ready?” I asked as I pampered said ex-princess. “So, should we talk strategy, or just ask her to join us?”

“There is no need for strategy,” Luna said, her voice sounding overjoyed. “That bug ripped me from my dying mother’s womb. We need not beat around the bush with her. We need merely ask her directly if she’s working for the enemy.”

“What if she’s incapable of answering?” I asked. “There are ways out there to force someone to stay silent, aren’t there?”

“If she doesn’t give us an immediate answer, I’ll take over,” Celestia said. “There are ways to force someone into silence, but there are usually ways to get around that with clever wording, hypothetical questions, the proper use of not answering, and nodding. If she is on our side, but is somehow bound by a curse of silence, I can likely ascertain it.”

“What if he shows up?” I asked.

“I will protect you with my life, my lady,” Luna replied. Her dopey grin marred the effect a little, though. “I doubt any of us will be able to do anything, though. Is there really a need to plan for it?”

“Being reminded of the possibility is useful,” Celestia said, finally taking a couch for herself. “Preparing yourself mentally for something like that is vital. Now, before I ask Moonbeam to join us, there’s something I wanted to discuss. Skyhold will be arriving tomorrow. It’ll be visible from Canterlot around ten and it’ll dock around noon. As the one who captured the ship, you’ll need to be present for the ceremony.”

“What time should I head to the palace?” I asked.

“I’ll send a chariot to pick you up after you finish the breakfast I serve you,” she replied with a brilliant smile.

“If you’re going through the trouble of teleporting there and back, why not just take me with you?” I asked.

“As I said, Skyhold will be visible before it docks and the ceremony begins. Seeing Equestria’s greatest hero flying over the city on a royal chariot will soothe the nerves of my little ponies. You know how they tend to overreact. If they see that massive ship slowly ambling forward without any signs that we’re doing something, we might have a mass panic on our hooves.”

“Is there a reason you didn’t just warn everyone?”

“I put out a notice in all the newspapers from here to where the ship started its journey, but it’s not like there’s really a way to make everyone read them. To be honest, I wanted to make it a complete surprise, but I was able to resist.”

“Will I need to do anything for the ceremony?” I asked. “Or bring anything?”

“We’ll be displaying some of the relics you captured in the raid on the Zone of Alienation,” Celestia said. “I’ve already picked out the ones I want to show off from the items that will be sent to auction. And for the most part, you’ll be standing behind me. I’ll probably have you walk around the stage a little, but I won’t make you give any speeches or anything. Now would also be a good time to advertise your upcoming village.”

“No thank you. I’d rather keep it quiet for now. Oh, right, can you promise me there won’t be any kind of sneaky promotions or any other nonsense jammed in here? That’s a trick Oldlestia never got tired of pulling on me.”

“I’ll announce your promotion to countess and give you a specially minted medal for all your accomplishments involving the Zone of Alienation. Nothing more than that.”

“Sounds easy. Any particular thoughts as to how I should dress, or should I just let Doppel handle it?”

“Wear your armor and bring your weapons, please.”

“Happily!”

“Alas, if only that included your battle mount,” Luna whispered. Since it seemed I wasn’t spoiling her enough, I used my other hand to play with her ears, shutting her up again.

“Anything else I should know?” I asked.

“I say your armor, but I don’t mean your helmet,” Celestia said. “I think morale in the city would rise even higher if they saw your beautiful hair trailing behind your chariot as you soar through the sky. They’d liken it to my own hair, I imagine.”

“I won’t braid it or put it in a ponytail either, then,” I replied with a nod.

“There’s nothing else I can think of. As you said, it should be easy. Now, shall I call for our wayward bug queen?”

“Sure. It’ll probably take her a while to walk all the way over here anyway.” Celestia’s horn lit up. A piece of parchment and a clicky pen appeared in the air. She started writing. “It’s rude to make you just watch, Celestia. If you want a turn after Luna, let me know.” Celestia’s horn lit up brighter and the message vanished.

Before she could reply, Moonie teleported in. Her eyes quickly took in the entire room before turning toward Celestia. “I feel like I’ve been horribly misled.”

“You would be wrong, then,” Celestia replied. “If you’ll recall, the message said ‘Nav is touching Luna all over, making her moan in pleasure. I’m next. Would you like to join us?’ And if you’ll notice, Nav is definitely touching Luna all over, though she stopped moaning. And Nav just offered to let me be next.”

“Well…”

“So, are you working with Discord?” Luna casually asked. “Nav saw you talking to him in the coma and everything else she’s seen so far has been accurate.”

Moonie stared at me for a few uncomfortably long seconds. “And what do you think, Nav?” she finally asked.

“I think, some time after you got captured by Celestia, he made you a deal you either couldn’t refuse or a deal that you felt was your only choice. I’m not sure what the specifics of that deal are, though. And I also think that later on, after you were free and had a stable source of food, you realized you made a horrible mistake and wanted to renege, or you’ve perhaps already tried to. However, part of the deal was probably something along the lines of you not being able to talk about it. Enforced by magic, of course.”

“Airing out your thoughts has saved us a great deal of time,” Moonie softly replied as she finally claimed the last couch. Once she was settled in, her eyes turned to Celestia. “Ask your questions, long-lost apprentice of mine. I know you have some ready for situations like these.”

“If the answer is no, shake your head. If your answer is yes, do nothing. Did you make a deal with Discord?” Moonie didn’t move. “Was it solely out of desperation?” Again, Moonie didn’t move. “This isn’t the first deal you’ve made with him, after all. The consequences of the last one were quite disastrous, but I suppose as a result, you did technically survive.”

“That’s not a question,” Moonie replied, narrowing her eyes at Celestia.

“I suppose not. Has Discord asked you to do anything since you made the deal with him?” Moonie shook her head. “Oh? Intriguing. Have you actually attempted to renege the deal?” She didn’t move. “Hm. Did you succeed in reneging the deal?” Moonie bit her lip and looked away. “...I don’t guess he would make it easy on you. Is what he asked for something that you can refuse when the time comes?” Instead of silence or shaking her head, Moonie actually nodded. “Are you going to refuse?” Another nod. “Do you understand that this puts us in an awkward position?”

“I’m not a fool, Celestia,” Moonie replied.

Luna snorted and muttered, “Says the one who made a deal with that abomination.” Moonie’s glare felt like it might pierce straight through Luna, but she obviously had no comeback. I sighed and went extra hard on Luna’s tummy, making her softly moan and then stay silent.

“One thing to note here is that lie detecting magic only works on spoken words,” Celestia said. “It’s also entirely possible it won’t work properly on things involving that demon.”

“...Is this to be a trial, then?” Moonie asked, for some reason turning to look at me. “Am I next on the list to be brainwashed, Navarone?”

“Do you see any water elementals here?” I asked. “I didn’t want it to come to that with Celestia, but she was an imminent and deadly threat to me. But I know you won’t betray me. I believe you when you say you have no intention of helping him. The only goal I had for this meeting was to clear the air. I don’t know about Celestia, though. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t own her.”

“I wonder if there will be a time when you come to regret that,” Luna whispered.

“And your opinion, Luna?” Moonie asked, her eyes moving down to the ex-princess being pampered on my lap.

“As an ex-ruler, I feel that the fewer uncertainties we have, the better,” Luna replied, actually pushing my hand away for a moment. “The less chaos and mistrust we have among our allies, the better. Seeds of discord will come back to haunt us, guaranteed. To that end, we should cease all dealings with those we have reason to distrust. However… I have recently begun to believe that redemption is possible. Blind faith in a person is foolish, but any faith we put in you is not blind, Moonbeam. Besides, I am sworn to my lady. She has already decided, so my opinion here is meaningless. So to be honest, you’re better off asking Celestia, not me. Now, let the petting once again commence!” She released my hand, so I put it back to use.

“So my fate rests in the hooves of my old apprentice, then?” Moonie said, finally turning her eyes to the great sun goddess herself. “What say you, Celestia?”

“As a current ruler, I always have to assume any deals I make with foreign leaders are temporary,” Celestia replied. “So to be frank, I’ve been preparing for the day you betray me since I decided to release you from your cell. Discovering that you had a secret alliance was troubling, but it changes nothing until I actually see signs that you’re in the process of betraying me. My countermeasures are already in place, after all. It’s one thing to make a deal with that monster. It’s another thing entirely to actually support him when the time comes. I have confidence you’ll be standing on our side, if it ever comes down to it. So your fate is in your own hooves, Moonbeam, not mine. As long as you remain friendly, we shall remain friends.”

“...So this is what it means to be trusted,” Moonie whispered, her eyes closing. “It’s been so long that… I had forgotten. I will not betray it.” Her eyes opened again and focused on me with a burning intensity. “I will not betray you, my dear Navarone.”

“I’m looking forward to our continued relationship,” I replied with a smile. “And I hope seeing Luna like this has made you jealous.”

“I would like several hours of you all to myself, Nav,” Moonie replied, her eyes only a little bloodshot. “It’s been too long since we had time alone together…”

“I’m trying to cut back, but… Well, I suppose I have no choice but to reward your good behavior. So do ravish me properly, won’t you?”

“But remember that she still has to compete tomorrow,” Celestia said. “So make sure she doesn’t limp too much.”

“The elementals can heal damage like that, so it’s fine,” Luna replied, pushing my hand back with a small frown. “Moonie can be as rough as she wants with my lady, who only put her hands on me to make another mare jealous.”

“That’s not the only reason,” I replied. “It’s just a good secondary benefit, like killing two birds with one stone. Now then, I vote we adjourn the meeting.”

“Seconded,” Moonie added.

“It seems like a wasted opportunity, though,” Celestia said. “Sure, it’s been a while since you had any real alone time with Nav, but it’s also been a while since we got to share her between us.”

“Nope, tonight, she’s all mine!” Without any other warning, Moonie’s horn lit up and the two of us teleported out. I fell back onto a bed in a room I didn’t recognize right as she pounced on top of me, signaling the beginning of a very fun and lewd night.

And since it wasn’t my bed, we didn’t have to worry about how… messy we got. Though knowing Moonie, she didn’t care either way.

Once she was done toying with my body, we teleported into my bed in my manor in Canterlot. Luckily, it was currently uninhabited. Moonie finally untied me and pulled me close to cuddle.

“I hope I wasn’t too rough with you, Navi,” she whispered, nuzzling me softly. “I was just so excited that…” She followed that up with quite the adorable giggle.

“It was just fine,” I replied, leaning in to kiss her. I had planned for it to be a short kiss, but she pulled me closer and wouldn’t let me escape.

Finally, she let me come up for air. “Don’t think you can just get away with stealing my lips,” she whispered with a smile. “Anyone who attempts to steal from a queen had best be wary of the consequences, you know…”

“Most of your punishments are fun, so that’s fine by me.”

“Ah, Nav…” She sighed and pulled me closer, pressing one of her cheeks against one of mine. “Thank you for defending me, from the bottom of my heart… I’m afraid it may have sealed my fate, though.”

“I can’t promise to do much, but we’ll defend you from him to the best of our abilities.”

“That isn’t what I mean,” she replied with another short chuckle, before pulling back to stare at me with her bright green eyes. “It seems I’ve finally gone and fallen in love with you, Navarone. Hopelessly and truly, it seems… What a wonderful feeling I had forgotten. I knew choosing to stay by your side would pay off.”

“You’ve… been asking to marry me for a while.”

“Because you were valuable and because I enjoyed spending time with you. I thought any feeling of love would have left me by now, and yet… If you think the punishment for stealing my lips was fun, I do hope you’ll look forward to the punishment for stealing my heart! It’ll take some time to prepare, though.” Before I could reply, she leaned forward to kiss me again. Without pulling back, her horn lit up and she teleported away.

I’m not really sure how long I ended up laying in bed, too dazed and surprised to even think about rising.

I suddenly blinked and came back to the present. Moonbeam… confessed her love to me. And I don’t even know how it made me feel at the time. What kind of betrayal is that? I hope past-me communicated my feelings to her properly. Right now, my heart is beating in my chest and I’d be surprised if I wasn’t blushing. How can a bug-like abomination possibly be so adorable and lovable?

“Are you back with us, mommy?” Taya asked from right in front of my face.

I blinked a few more times before she came into focus. “For the moment,” I said. “That was quite the doozy of a memory. Wait, Taya… what are you doing?”

“Do you know how many mares are probably coming to see you right now?” she asked as she squirmed against me. “I have to make sure they all smell me first.”

“Oh, just checking.”

“So what did you remember?”

“A very important meeting with Moonbeam, Celestia, and Luna. Moonie dropped quite the heavy and cute statement on me before retreating. It was right before some unimportant ceremony that Celestia was hosting and I had to attend.”

“Is that the morning you were absolutely drenched in her pheromones, even more so than usual?” Doppel asked, sounding a little peeved for some reason. “The morning of that extremely important and monumental occasion?”

“Yeah, probably. While I am glad I don’t have to remember the hellish pageant, I’m starting to regret having died.”

“Good!” Taya immediately replied. She finally crawled over me and started rubbing herself against my back.

“Flo, carry on, please.”

“As you wish,” Flo replied.

When my memories picked back up, the sun had just risen in my room. I had finally gotten out of bed and was now sitting at my desk, poking through the laptop. Before I could really focus, someone knocked and I closed the thing. “Come in.”

Doppel walked in and immediately sighed when she saw me. “Again, my lady?”

“She was very pent up,” I replied, shrugging. “So, I have a ceremony to attend after breakfast. It should be quick and easy.”

“That’s awfully short notice, my lady. And even if she is pent up, it isn’t your responsibility to help her with it!”

“I know it’s short notice, but that’s Celestia for you. I did know it was coming up, but I wasn’t sure exactly when. It’s nothing major, anyway.”

“I will be the judge of that. What’s the ceremony for?”

“The arrival of Skyhold, the ship we captured at the Zone. Celestia will also be announcing my promotion to countess and handing me some kind of medal. It should be quick and easy, so I’ll hopefully be back shortly after the ship arrives.”

“My lady… This is a momentous occasion! Everyone needs to spend the morning getting ready! I’ll be back to dress you as soon as I inform the other maids!” I tried to stop her, but she was out the door before I could even open my mouth.

“Is this really that important?” I asked.

“Definitely,” Flo replied, finally sliding out of the floor next to me. “This promotion will lead to great changes in the lives of all of your followers. And the success of the raid on the Zone of Alienation was thanks to you as well, so they all want to be there to see you lauded for it. Of course, the arrival of Skyhold also means explaining to everyone your intentions for the ship. Your plans for the war might not be mentioned, but learning that your ship will become a city of craftsmen who travel the world, learning new techniques and selling wonderful products, will be enough to shock everyone. To your supporters, this is one great leap forward towards your promised golden age.”

“Huh. Well, to each their own, I guess.” Since apparently this was going to become a thing, I went ahead and put the laptop away. “Would you mind bathing me?”

“Happily,” Flo said, sliding over me and cleansing my body.

Taya walked in right as I made it to one of my closets. “...I waited all night for you, mommy,” she said, sounding slightly accusatory.

“I asked Flo to relay you a message,” I replied. “I was a little tied up last night.”

“Literally, yes, I know,” she said. “Was she so needy that it took all night?”

“After, I needed time to recover. Being able to spend nights together is nice, but we won’t be able to spend every night together. Immortality means you’ll need hobbies, Taya. Now might be a good time to start thinking about that. You tried gardening and didn’t seem to enjoy that. You also don’t enjoy running. You do seem to enjoy using magic to craft things, if I remember right. You should try learning more about magic smithing from Jak and Luna. I actually hadn’t really thought about this in a while, but let me pull it out for you.” I walked back over to my desk and started rummaging around.

“If you don’t want to spend time with me, you can just say it,” Taya muttered.

“Luna made this for me not too long ago,” I said, holding up a very fancy emerald necklace. “I was intending on wearing it later on in the pageant, since it’s magically enchanted. If you could learn to make things like this, you could create things that help keep me safe even when we aren’t together.”

“You literally just said you hadn’t even thought about that thing in a while,” Taya replied. “Luna already made you something that can keep you safe, but you didn’t even remember it existed!”

“I mean, look at it. As if I’d ever wear something so gaudy, not to mention heavy. Surely you could make something better suited for me.”

“The gaudiness and the heaviness are both necessary for any enchantment powerful enough to protect you against something you couldn’t defend against yourself,” Taya said. “Anything I made that would be capable of protecting you would be similar.”

“If you don’t want to learn magic crafting, you can just say it. I do think it would be a good idea for you to pick up another hobby, but I won’t force you. I am going to hug you, though, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“That’s definitely not true,” she replied as I approached. “I could very easily stop you.”

“Prove it, then.”

“But I want you to hug me. Why would I stop you?”

“Sounds like you’re bluffing about being able to stop me.” With that, I snatched her up. “I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this, Taya.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t,” she replied as she finally hugged me back. “But I’m having fun, so it’s okay.”

“Good. There’s some kind of minor and unimportant ceremony that Celestia’s making me attend a little later, after breakfast, so I might not be able to walk you to class.”

“It’s okay, mommy. I understand that your own filly isn’t important enough to spend time with. By all means, keep giving your attention away to other, less important mares.”

“I knew you’d understand. Thank you for being the best filly ever, Taya.”

“...Even better than Skyla?”

You can’t beat perfection, silly! “Taya, jealousy is unbecoming of you. I love you more and that’s all that should matter.”

Doppel finally landed right outside the door and sprinted back in. “My lady, we have to get you ready!”

“We still have a while to go before the event,” I said. “Flo just cleaned me, so I figured I’d put on something light, then change right before going.”

“...My lady, you do realize how long it takes to properly prepare a dress for something like this, do you not?” Doppel asked, her tone low and somewhat threatening.

“No, but that’s not important. I’m going in my armor.”

“As if we’d ever let you attend such an important event wearing something so boorish. The others should be here soon, so let’s start picking out the colors for your outfit.”

“That came from Celestia, actually,” I smugly replied. “She told me to come in my armor.”

“My lady, you mustn’t lie. It’s spring and you’re the lady of nature, so probably some shade of green? Something to match your eyes and hair, hm…?”

“Why would you immediately assume I’m lying?” I asked, finally shifting a little so I was using Taya to shield me from my maid.

“...Huh? What do you… Well, obviously because you’re Nav, right?”

“That’s definitely not the kind of thing I want to hear from my head of household, my longest serving staff, and my ever-so-loyal maid.”

“If that’s not the sort of thing you’d like to hear, perhaps you should put more thought into your reputation. Not lying and accepting your dress like a good little lady would help with that. I know you hate the idea and I certainly don’t like forcing it on you, but this is for your own good.”

“...The sky is green,” I replied. Taya’s horn lit up. “That was on the whole time, you know.” Her horn went dark again. “If I had been lying, you would have known. I’ve been ordered to wear armor for this event.”

“To be fair, Doppel does have a point,” Taya said. “I mean, how many times did you lie to my face? You have changed, sure, but it’s not like you’ve become more trustworthy. Just less untrustworthy, I guess.”

“...I think I’d like to go back to bed for another hour or two,” I whispered, staring longingly at the only safe haven left to me.

Before my daughter or favorite maid could reply, one of the new maids sprinted into the room. “Can I finally dress up our lady?!” Her eyes were wide, bloodshot, and pointed directly at me. The wide, toothy smile on her face reminded me a little of Pinkie’s. It might be late to learn this lesson, but perhaps I should reconsider my hiring policy when it comes to people who clearly have screws loose. Any pony who rants about the fun police is clearly more fae than average, which means she’d be even more affected by my human pull. “Ever since I first saw you, I knew you’d make the perfect dress-up doll… I’m glad you’re finally relying on me more, my lady!”

“Forgive my sister’s impertinence, my lady,” the other new maid said, letting herself in. “She’s loony, but competent. If you must punish her, please leave it at cutting out her tongue.”

“Wait, not my tongue!” the crazy one shouted, spinning to stare at her sister in horror. “I use that for all kinds of things, like tasting, talking, and singing! I don’t know what I’d do without it…”

“Then perhaps you should think before you speak, dearest sister. Calling our lady a dress-up doll is a bit much, don’t you think? Sure, her smooth skin, lovely hair, and perfect figure make her the ideal toy, but saying it out loud in front of her is unacceptable.”

“But that’s still not enough to take out my tongue, is it?!” Her head whipped back toward me, though now she looked terrified instead of excited. “My lady, please, anything but my tongue! I… I know you f-favor beautiful mares, s-so… Please, use my tongue for that, instead of taking it as a trophy!”

“As the head maid, it is my responsibility to protect my underlings from our lady’s untoward advances,” Doppel said. “My lady, if you must take your anger out, do so on my body.”

“No fair! You always get to share our lady’s bed!” the crazy mare shouted. “I want a turn, too!”

“What did I even walk in to?” Aurora asked as he stepped inside. Finally, all of my maids were congregated together.

“A misunderstanding from start to finish,” I replied. “First, Celestia ordered me to wear armor for this minor and unimportant event, so there was no need to gather everyone anyway.” All three of the newer maids gasped in horror. The crazy one even looked like she was about to burst into tears. “Second, I’m used to ponies saying all kinds of weird, random, crazy, or disrespectful things to me, so you don’t need to worry about offending me. You can’t help that you’re fae, after all, or that the mania runs more strongly in your veins than in your sister’s. Third, punishing someone by cutting out their tongue is a little too extreme for me. I’d probably leave it to Doppel to punish you, to be honest. And last, while I do favor females, Doppel made me promise not to go after any of the other maids. And outside of that, I learned fairly early on to be very careful when it comes to making advances toward both lower-ranking coworkers and the people I have employed. I don’t ever want to seem like I’m using my power to force someone to do something, so I’ll have you know that everything I do with and to Doppel is consensual.”

“So does that mean it’s okay if we consent?” the crazy sister asked.

“I feel like we’re talking in circles here, so let’s get back to the important point: False alarm. I don’t need to dress up all fancy-like today.”

“Perhaps the princess made a mistake?” Aurora asked. “Wouldn’t it be better to be wearing a perfect dress instead of your boorish armor? We can’t let all the work you’ve put into building a lady-like image at the pageant go to waste!”

“The princess doesn’t make mistakes, so our lady probably just misheard her,” the less crazy sister said. “Or maybe she purposefully misunderstood? Regardless, I’ve once heard that it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission, so erring on the side of caution, we really should make sure she’s dressed like a proper lady.”

“Pink and frilly, lace and bows, stockings and garters!” the crazy one sang as she skipped towards my closets. “Oh, my lovely lady, how I’ve longed for this day… You’ll never regret entrusting your body to me, I guarantee it!”

“While I don’t hold the fact that you’re fae against you, I still need you to try reining in your desires a little,” I said. “If it really means that much to you, and assuming you have the time, you can join the team in charge of my outfits at the pageant. And of course, the four of you will be in charge of dressing me from start to finish for any other event that doesn’t require my armor.”

“What’s a fae, my lady?” Aurora asked. “You said the ponies are, but it sounded like you just included me, too.”

“Fae refers to creatures of magic. They’re usually characterized by having strong emotions that can change on a dime, obsessive behaviors that lead them to focus on tasks until they’re masters at them, obsessive traits that usually lead to them wanting to own or dominate the object of their affections, and they all feel drawn toward humans. Technically, you’re all part fae, part animal. Your sapience comes from the fae half, but you’re also still ruled by your animal instincts.”

“That… all checks out, actually,” the less crazy sister said. The crazy one was too busy digging through my closet and sniffing my clothes. “Wait, drawn to humans? What exactly does that mean?”

“The short version is that something about humans pulls fae to us like magnets. Usually, it leads to something like that,” I said, pointing at the sister in my closet. “Luckily for me, she probably hasn’t been trained in combat magic. It’s pretty difficult for me to resist those who have.”

“So before, when you said you were used to ponies saying things to you…”

“Man, my time here in Equestria has been a trip and a half, let me tell you. Anyway, I’m tired of being naked and I kinda want to eat, so help me find something light and easy to put on.”

The crazy one galloped right over, three different outfits held in her magical grasp. All three actually fit what I had in mind, so I picked the middle one and let her help me put it on. I ignored the hooves that poked and prodded me a little more than necessary. Though given that she had magic, it probably wasn’t necessary for her to touch me at all.

“Thank you,” I said when she was finally done. “Please let go of me now.”

“Yes, my lady!” After waiting a few more seconds, she finally released me and backed away. Man, she went south really fast. The pull must still be in effect, then.

“Now then, shall we head downstairs? I’d like to take a walk around the garden.” The sun would help clear my head. I didn’t wait for any objections, and walked past everyone to the door. As I slowly trudged down the stairs, the lowly winged commoners flew down in a flash. They were both nowhere to be seen by the time I got to the ground floor. The other two maids went off to do their thing while Taya and I continued out to the back yard.

“So, that might be a record,” Taya said when we were finally alone. “It’s been, what, a week and she’s already all over you? Way to go, mommy.”

“She was already crazy anyway. So, will you tell me more about your time with Bramble yesterday? I promise to keep the teasing to a minimum.”

My filly blushed and refused to meet my gaze. “I… I’m s-sorry for… recommending the Loveboat to you and Twilight, m-mommy… She told Cadance, who mentioned it to Eva, who blabbed to Bramble about it…”

“Did they know he was a prince?”

“...And took several pictures of the two of us. They… they mentioned something about ads? Mommy, what’s an ad?”

“Oh, an advertisement. Like a recommendation you see in the newspapers. They’ll probably send those photos to some news company to show off to everyone that they had a prince as a customer, which will draw more customers.”

“...Oh.”

“Now we’ll both be in the papers! We finally match in something else. Isn’t that great, honey?”

“Um… Yeah, r-right…”

“Judging by your tone, it doesn’t sound like he successfully wooed you. Did you not have fun?”

“W-well… I want a strong stallion who can go hoof-to-hoof with me in combat, not some wimpy deer prince who looks, sounds, and talks like a filly.”

Oh, so I finally learn some of my filly’s preferences. “In that case, I can see why he wouldn’t check any of your boxes. And since you’re not depraved like me, toying with him probably isn’t any fun. Well, you gave it a chance, and that’s all I asked. If he tries to bother you again, I’ll run some interference. I can’t guarantee to keep him away, but hopefully he’ll bother you less. Though ideally, you could tell him that you just want to be friends so you can go back to talking magic with him.”

“...At this point, I think I could take it or leave it. The deer are honest to a fault and hard to get along with. Like, didn’t the prince talk about sending traders as spies to our town right in front of us?”

“Well, I’ll try to stay out of your social life, unless I see you getting close to dangerous people. Or rather, dangerous people outside of the ones that live here. All I ask is that you be courteous and polite to people in positions of power, which includes a prince. You don’t have to be friends with him, though.”

“So if they aren’t in power, I don’t have to be courteous and polite?”

“I’d rather you never be mean and nasty, but there’s no reason to be nice to somebody who has no interest in being nice to you, assuming there’s nothing they can do for you. A prince can do quite a lot for us, so it’s important to be polite. A waitress at a restaurant can’t do much for you, so if she picks a fight, there’s no reason to continue being nice.”

“So I should give preferential treatment to people depending on their status?”

“Obviously. That’s literally the point of the social classes in general and nobility in particular. I heard there are some nobles out there that won’t even talk to commoners.”

“Sounds scummy, but okay. So what’s this ceremony that you mentioned earlier? Doppel and the other maids seemed to think it was important, but you’re treating it like nothing.”

“I mean, this is Celestia we’re talking about. Of course this ceremony is nothing.”

“Ahem.” A very cute and feminine throat clearing interrupted my private talk with my filly. When I looked back, I saw Celestia in her maid disguise. She was wearing a very tight smile, yet her eyes seemed devoid of warmth. “Good morning, my lady. That’s not a very nice way to describe a ceremony that her highness is preparing especially for you. A ceremony that, might I add, was specifically designed to highlight my lady’s achievements. It’ll be attended by many of the most powerful ponies in the city. Can an event like that really be quantified as nothing?”

“Yeah.”

“I see.” Celestia’s gaze turned outright frigid, for some reason. She was still smiling, though, so it was probably fine.

“Mommy, I don’t think you were supposed to say yes,” Taya whispered.

“Hm…” The maid in front of me put a hoof to her chin as she pondered something. “I imagine Princess Celestia thought you would want to approach such an important and momentous occasion while feeling comfortable in your steel armor rather than uncomfortable in a dainty dress. But if you consider this event so unimportant and pointless, there’s no need for the armor, is there? I’m sure her highness would be fine with any dress that Doppel picks out for you, my lady!”

“And ruin such a momentous, important occasion?” I asked. “Princess Celestia herself told me to come in my armor. I would be a fool to disobey. A traitor, even. I would never destroy the gravitas of this event after she put in so much time and effort to make it happen. And I would never betray her trust in me by so flagrantly violating her one request of me. She asked that I come in my armor and bring my weapons so that the people of Canterlot would see me as the hero the princess is building me up to be. Wearing a dress might damage that image and make the ponies worry even more about the giant ship that’s floating toward us, even now. So while it is possible that the princess would be happy with a dress that Doppel picked, I would never let her, or the ponies of Canterlot, down.”

“Impressive, mommy,” Taya said with a proud nod, her horn lit up almost as bright as the sun at the torrent of lies that just flew out of my mouth. “I don’t know how you kept a straight face through all of that, even while my horn lit up brighter with every single word. And right to her face! I have to learn from your example! I’m so happy you adopted me, mommy. I never thought I’d see such wonders when I was still just living in a gutter…”

Taya picked the perfect time to pull out her emo backstory, as it forced my maid to back down. “...At least you can talk the talk, my lady,” Celestia-in-disguise said, shaking her head in disappointment. “I’m going to go prepare breakfast.”

“Thank you, Crystal,” I said, reaching over to boop her. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Then I won’t disappoint you, just as you’d never disappoint her highness.” Crystal Drop finally left us, heading into the house.

“It sounds kinda like this event thing might be important after all,” Taya said. “What’s it about, again?”

“A promotion ceremony, announcing that I’m now a countess. It’ll also celebrate our victory over the Zone of Alienation. Skyhold will be revealed at the same time. Nothing major, right?”

“I mean, I’m hardly an expert, but… Isn’t it really rare for nobles to get promoted? That seems kinda important, right?”

“I mean, it’s just a pony rank. It can’t be that big. I am looking forward to the reveal of Skyhold, though. Still, even with that, it’s just another public ceremony.”

“Huh. Then I guess I won’t skip class for it.”

“That’s probably for the best. No reason to have an absence on your record. Now, I’ve had my fill of sunlight. Shall we head back inside?”

“Yep!”

When we got into the sun room, we discovered that Cadance was now awake. She was sitting at one of the tables, gently blowing on a cup of coffee. A few of the others were also up and about, but nobody I needed to speak to.

“Were you bullying Celestia again?” Cadance asked as we walked over to her table. “She seemed somewhat irate when she came in.”

“She was smiling when she left,” I replied with a shrug. “Maybe work’s getting to her.”

“Mommy, how can you say that with a straight face?” Taya asked.

“So what happened?” Cadance asked, turning her gaze to my filly.

“Mommy told Celestia that the super important event planned for today is nothing to her. It’s to announce her promotion to countess and explain what happened at the Zone.”

“Nav, why are you like this?” Cadance asked, her eyes moving back to mine.

“Taya had the lie detector spell on. Celestia would have known what I really thought no matter how I answered. It’s Celestia’s fault for asking the question in the first place, really. Now that that unimportant business is out of the way—”

“It’s not, actually,” Cadance replied. “That event actually does sound really important. When is it?”

“Some time around noon, I think. She’s going to summon me when it’s time for me to get ready. Anyway—”

“Wait, noon today?!”

“Yeah.”

“Nav, you have to tell ponies these things!” she shouted, slapping a hoof on the table.

“I was just told about it last night. I still don’t see what the big deal is. Anyway—”

“We’ll all be there, of course,” Cadance said, cutting me off yet again. “I’m sure Skyla will love another chance to see you shine on the stage in a pretty dress!”

“I’ll be wearing my armor, actually.”

“You know Doppel will never accept that. Just give in and let me help pick your outfit! I’ll make it painless, I promise…”

“That was an order from Celestia. I’m wearing my armor. Anyway—”

“I’m not letting you change the subject!”

“Moonie confessed her love for me last night. I kinda wanted advice. But if you’d rather talk about some unimportant ceremony…”

Cadance stared at me in silence for a few long seconds before sighing. “You’re good at this…”

“I’ve been dealing with fae for years now. I know how to shut you up when it counts. So, what’s it gonna be? Keep talking about pointless nonsense, or let your fae-like obsession take over?”

“Grr… I hate that you’re right! And the worst part is, I bet you actually do want advice, instead of just trying to change the subject!”

“So?” I asked, finally sitting down. Taya claimed the spot next to me.

“Well… Tell me how it happened! Gimme the juicy deats, Navi!”

“I met with Celestia, Luna, and Moonie last night, after the pageant. We had a few concerns about Moonie and we wanted to clear the air. In the ensuing conversation, I defended her and expressed my faith in her. After the meeting, she ravished me. When she was finished, she confessed, explaining that my defense finally broke her. She has been asking to marry me for a while, but this is the first time she ever told me that she loved me. I think it’s likely that not having a soul means my emotions are stunted, and yet… I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anything quite like I did in that moment.”

“Yeah, I can understand being horrified beyond all reason,” Cadance replied with a nod. “Do you want me to ask her to leave you alone, or can you tell her yourself?”

“Huh?”

“You want advice on how to turn her down, right?” Cadance asked, tilting her head.

“...It seems like nobody else wants me to be involved with her, but honestly, she’s my top pick right now.”

“Wow.” Cadance finally took a long sip of her coffee. Her eyes appeared just a little more manic when she set the cup down. “I mean… really?”

“She ticks off so many of my boxes. A super hot evil fae queen who can turn into anything I want. Cute personality, diligent, caring, but she only ever shows that side to me. Plus, she has the tragic backstory to end all tragic backstories. The few remaining male parts of me just want to hold her close and try to protect her. When she confessed, I was shocked and a little scared, but… I think it made me happy.”

Cadance’s eyes moved over to my filly, who had claimed the seat next to mine. “What are your thoughts, Taya?”

“I’d prefer Twilight, but Moonie is my second pick. I’m cool with it. Obviously, mommy is the only one I’ll ever call mommy, but Moonie sounds kinda similar anyway.”

“...If you’re asking, I will say that I think you and Moonie would make a good match, Nav. As to whether or not I could ever condone such a pair… I had someone else as your OTP, to be honest. I guess I could allow it, but it would mess with a lot of my plans.”

“My current plan is to hold off any permanent decisions until I find out if my gender can be corrected and until I can get a soul, but is that unfair?” I asked. “I don’t want to make anyone wait for me.”

“Moonbeam has never been married before, to my knowledge,” Cadance said. “And a few years means little for someone that old. Just remember that all the arguments you used to refuse to marry Celestia also apply to Moonie. Things like age, instability, and the general weight of time. And while it might not be unfair to those who are immortal, those who are not might find themselves looking elsewhere should you take too long. There might not be many flies buzzing about Twilight at the moment, but she’s probably one of the most eligible bachelorettes in the kingdom. And Fleur may have a bad past, but this work of hers on the pageant is going to get positive attention.”

“Well… Even if they do move on, I don’t think it would be fair to commit to anyone with my situation in flux. After all, I don’t ever want to wear a wedding dress.”

“That’s your reason?” Cadance asked.

“I mean, it’s not the only reason. If I do end up picking Moonie… Well, a few of my followers might not be happy.”

“It won’t just be your followers, you know,” Cadance said. “For the longest of times, Queen Chrysalis was spoken of in tales told to pony and griffin children to make them behave. They say that negative emotions attract changelings, so foals that misbehave might get kidnapped and fed on by the queen herself. Thanks to your actions, she’s no longer public enemy number one. But that doesn’t mean her sins have been forgotten by the Equestrians and the griffins. It’ll take a few hundred years for that to happen. Stealing the heart of the great Equestrian hero probably won’t do her any favors either, especially since a lot of ponies seem to think it’s only a matter of time before you and Celestia tie the knot.”

“Until the two of us can agree on what is and isn’t important, I’m not sure we’ll be able to get married,” I replied.

“Do you think that you and Moonie happen to agree on what is and isn’t important?” Cadance asked.

“I mean, I’m a pretty big hero to the changelings, but I’ve never been involved in any silly ceremonies in their kingdom. Every time she’s asked me to appear in public, it’s been for a legitimate reason that served everyone’s interest.”

“I mean, so is this, right?” Cadance asked. “I saw the size of that airship, Nav. If you really will be able to see it soon, ponies in Canterlot are going to be worried. Plus, everyone needs to know that your rank will be increasing, because that’s actually a really big thing. Most nobles in Equestria are just standard lords or ladies. Basically, hereditary nobles without many accomplishments or responsibilities. Some have fiefs, but most are just layabouts. Barons, Counts, Dukes… Those are rare and powerful. You might not consider it important, but to the ponies and to Celestia, this is probably the biggest event of the year, eclipsing even the pageant.”

“Sorry, it’s just having a hard time clicking with me. I literally found out about this around twelve hours ago. And I’ll just be standing around the whole time, you know? Any event you can prepare for in less than a day and doesn’t require active participation can’t be all that vital, right?”

“Now you’re just being obtuse. Can you at least acknowledge that this event is important to the ponies, even if you find it trivial?”

“Yeah, of course,” I immediately replied. Cadance finally smiled. “They’re just wrong.” Her smile instantly disappeared. “Anyway, I changed the subject for a reason, you know. Right after she confessed, she teleported away, not even letting me say anything. It was honestly really cute. But I’m at a loss as to what I should say the next time I see her.”

“...You know, Nav, even I have some trepidations about giving you advice for dating Chrysalis,” Cadance quietly replied. “She kidnapped us, if you’ll recall, and tried to steal my husband.”

“I think I remember you saying something about forgiving her. Or was that just a dream I busted? It kinda melds together sometimes.” Which… Wow, that’s actually a bad thing, huh? I hope I never start confusing things I experienced in a dream with something that happened in reality.

“Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. But the heart wants what it wants, and I suppose even monsters deserve a chance at love…”

“Yes, I do,” I replied. Or at least, I like to think I do, even if I am the biggest monster on the planet.

“So start by telling her what you told me, obviously. The part about how her confession made you feel, specifically. And make sure to tack on the fact that you won’t be marrying anyone until you have better leads on your missing penis and lost soul.”

“My soul isn’t lost. I know exactly where it is. It’s just beyond my reach. But yes, that’s a good place to start. And I guess everything about how I shouldn’t fall for a monster like that also technically counts as advice, even if I’m probably too stupid to listen to it.”

“You’re not too stupid, just too stubborn,” Cadance replied, reaching over to boop me with a wing. “And if you really do fall for Moonbeam, I imagine stubbornness will be something you’ll need in spades. Socially speaking, countess won’t be a high enough rank to secure you all the benefits you might want in a marriage. You’re better off aiming for duchess.”

“Will that really matter for mommy?” Taya asked.

“No. But if you plan to marry a queen, having a high rank of your own will be valuable on the world stage. Nav may not care about titles, but there are those that do. Frankly speaking, it would probably be easier to just accept that you have a herd rather than trying to marry one of them. Especially one like Moonbeam, with a full-on royal rank.”

“I’d be fine with it,” Taya said with a shrug. “As long as you understand that you aren’t part of mommy’s harem, that is.”

“You don’t have to rub it in,” Cadance muttered before sipping more of her coffee.

“Here’s another question, then,” I said, ignoring their off-topic conversation. “What would Moonie have to do to become an acceptable choice for other people?”

“Wow, that’s a tough one,” Cadance replied. “I mean, sure she apologized, but she was the bad guy in Equestria for thousands of years. No matter what happens, I feel like it’ll take time to come back from that reputation. Some of those close to you seem to have a personal history with her, as well. I do think it would help to have her changelings seen more, though. Most Equestrians may be aware that the changeling race is no longer hostile, but most Equestrians never knew much about changelings in the first place. Personally, I never even thought about them at all until the day one kidnapped me and attempted to ruin my entire life.”

“So you don’t know… Well, that’s all the questions I had for now. I think I’ll head back upstairs for now.”

“There’s still a subject I would like to discuss,” Cadance said as I tried to push my chair out. Sadly, I didn’t get anywhere, as her magic blocked me. “There’s a very important event that’s about to happen, after all. I’d like to know more about what it’ll entail.”

“Important event?” I said, tilting my head. “What do you mean?”

“The promotion ceremony,” Cadance said, her voice sounding strangely dull.

“Oh, that. I thought we agreed that it wasn’t important? Why bother discussing it, then?”

“That was never agreed upon! You’re doing that thing again where you’re just trying to waste time, hoping for reinforcements to come save you! Luckily for me, the only one who agrees that this is unimportant is Taya.”

“That sounds like a challenge,” my filly replied. “Are you saying I can’t help mommy avoid talking about something she doesn’t want to discuss?”

“I am definitely not going to make that assumption or that assertion,” Cadance immediately said, backing down much faster than I expected. “However, it means there’s no reason for Nav to stall, because no help is coming! So, how are you getting to the event?”

“A chariot will ferry me to the palace. I assume from there, I’ll depart with Celestia.”

“Are you just giving in, mommy?” Taya asked.

“It’s not worth fighting over,” I replied with a shrug. “The chariot’s supposed to come after breakfast, so I’ll head upstairs to get armored up after I eat. And yes, I’m completely positive that I was told to attend in my armor.”

“Where’s the event taking place?” Cadance asked.

“Apparently Celestia built a dock for the ship we captured. That’s where it’s supposed to be. You’ll have to ask one of my maids, Crystal Drop, for directions.”

“...Of course I will,” Cadance said, rolling her eyes. “I suppose if you’re treating it this flippantly, I’m the only member of royalty you’ve informed?”

“Moonie probably knows, but I haven’t told anyone else. Like I said, I just found out last night. Gilda will probably find out when she comes downstairs. I don’t know if Celestia sent out invitations to any of the other members of royalty visiting, but my maid, Crystal Drop, might know.”

“You don’t have to keep saying her name! Ugh… Say, would you mind if I come here to work as a maid sometimes?”

“Would saying yes stop you?” The impish grin Cadance was wearing answered my question, sadly. “Get permission from Shiny first. It feels awkward for me, since I’ve probably eaten more of your home-cooked meals than your own husband. Also, I would very much prefer if you had some way to disguise the fact that you’re an alicorn.”

“I do! I assume your maid is in the kitchen, where she belongs?”

“Probably. She mentioned something about cooking. If you want to discuss details of your temporary employment, consult Doppel.”

“I’ll start with this so-called Crystal Drop,” Cadance replied, finally sliding out of her seat. “Once I get more details about the event, I’ll get my family ready for it.”

“Good luck,” I said as she walked off.

“I never need luck when there’s love in the air, Nav!”

“So, Moonbeam?” Taya said when Cadance was gone.

“Nobody would ever expect it, right? The great hero marrying the eldritch horror, the evil fae queen. That said, there’s still time for things to change.” Betraying Discord would almost definitely come with some kind of penalty, after all. And there’s no guarantee my feelings would be the same after getting a soul. “Your date with the prince didn’t go well. Do you foresee trying to date others in the future, or are you giving up on it?”

“Well… I guess it’ll depend. It’s not really a priority. Watching you is much more important and fun!”

“I see.” It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, but it didn’t surprise me. Trying to convince her otherwise was a fool’s errand, so I didn’t bother. Besides… Not being able to grow up would make getting into a relationship more difficult.

Before I could change the subject, someone else did it for me. Doppel walked over and bowed her head. “My lady, you have a guest. He is accompanied by Felix.”

“The dog mercenary?” I asked. Doppel nodded. “What was his name… Rin Tin Tin, I think?”

“That’s correct, my lady. He would like to discuss a contract with you.”

“Am I dressed acceptably for it, and is this a proper place for such a meeting?”

“Probably not, but this mercenary is going to be working for you. If he can’t accept working for a noble who acts like you normally do, it would be better to find out sooner rather than later.”

“Is Watcher around? And Luna, are you—” Before I could finish that sentence, Luna teleported before me. “I’m about to meet with the head of a group of mercenaries. I want your input.”

“Yes, my lady,” Luna replied. “What do you intend to use them for?”

“Guarding the town, special projects, and possibly war. I had a plan to send mercenaries to known pirate strongholds to seize ships, booty, and prisoners that we could sell to the changelings. With all of them equipped with magic equipment and you at their helm, I thought it might be a quick and easy way to make some money while doing some good in the world.”

“Understood. I will judge them based on those criteria.”

“And Watcher is already back at the Zone,” Doppel said. “We can call him back, if you’d like.”

“No, I don’t want to interrupt him. Send them in, Doppel.”

“Yes, my lady.” Doppel walked back out, leaving me with one of my most zealous vassals.

“Would you like me to sit across your lap again, my lady?” Luna asked with a warm, friendly smile.

“I don’t think I’ll need to protect myself against these two. Besides, there’s no room on the chair. Feel free to take a seat, Luna.”

“Did I miss a petting session?” Taya asked as a very disappointed Luna sat next to me.

“Taya, you know my lap almost always has room for you,” I replied. “There’s no reason for you to take up time with my vassals.”

“Hmph. I’m going to get ready for class, mommy.” She teleported off.

“My lady, perhaps next time you should leave off the word almost,” Luna said.

“I don’t want to lie. In the vast majority of instances, I can make time for my filly. However, that’s not always feasible.”

“Fluttershy told me that there are times in which small lies are considered acceptable, as they’re expected in civil discourse,” Luna said. “I feel like this was one of those times.”

“Maybe, but I don’t like lying anymore. Telling the truth is more fun.” Our guests were finally walking in, so we fell silent.

The predatory smile on Rin Tin Tin’s face was somewhat unexpected. We had only spoken for a short period of time, but he seemed like a friendly sort. At the moment, he looked like he was sporting for a fight. Meanwhile, Felix was wearing his standard slimy grin, though he didn’t seem to notice the change in his friend’s expression.

“Good morning, my lady,” Felix warmly said. “I believe you’ve already met my friend, but allow me to introduce you. This is Rin Tin Tin, mercenary captain. Rin, this is Lady Navarone of Equestria, soon-to-be Countess of Equestria.”

“Oh yes, we’ve met,” Rin replied. “She’s the only one who put me on the ground in recent memory! Ah, how could I ever forget? My lady, I want a rematch!”

“For reference, I was cheating like crazy in that fight,” I said. “First, I had magic cast to strengthen me. Second, I had someone else controlling my body. When it comes to hand to hand fighting, I’m honestly not the best.”

“A defeat is still a defeat! From the looks of you, I’d say you probably use a sword. Probably one handed, with nothing in your other hand. How about that, instead?”

“You’d still probably win. As you may have noticed, my body is a lot different from when we last met. That said, I wouldn’t mind a chance to spar later. It’ll help me get used to my new self. But of course, none of this is why you’re here, nor why you brought Felix to introduce you. I recently read over a contract you submitted to work with me.”

“Is it too late to change my mind?” he asked.

“Not at all,” I replied with a smile. “If you’re having second thoughts, feel free to walk away.”

“No, no, nothing like that,” he said before walking closer and kneeling before me. “You have the moon itself at your beck and call… I’d rather serve as a subject than as a mercenary. I feel like I’ll see more blood and glory that way.”

“That’s not the Rin I know,” Felix said. “You said you’d never bow before a noble.”

“I bow before no noble,” the dog replied. “But to a mercenary queen? I have no trouble kneeling. After what you told me of that dungeon you raided, I can smell the change in the air. I know you feel it too, Felix. I couldn’t forgive myself if I stood anywhere other than the center of the storm.”

“Luna?” I said.

“I am going to ask you a few questions,” Luna said, piercing the dog with a stare. “If you answer poorly, I will turn your soul into a sword for my lady.”

“Please ask me simple questions, lady night,” the dog replied, still kneeling. “I know much of war, but little of academics.”

“There is a contract by the dogs in the east to kill Lady Navarone. Are you aware of it?”

“There were rumors about it in Gryphus, but I do not seek that bounty,” the dog replied.

“If I were to ask you to pour me a glass of red, what would you do?”

“Ask whether you prefer the crisp, the hot, or the crimson.” Luna later informed me that this was a secret code certain mercenaries used when they were willing to do jobs that weren’t quite above-board or legal.

“Are you a member of any public-facing guilds?”

“We’re registered with a few up north with the griffins and down south, near the border.”

“Why are you not after my lady’s bounty? The value is high and the prestige would be worth even more.”

“Oh, I was going to kill her during the tournament. She won, though, so I gave up. I don’t go after targets that are stronger than me.”

“Wise.”

Doppel finally came in with a trolley of tea. She was followed by Shining Armor, who seemed somewhat surprised by my guests. “Am I interrupting something?” he asked, coming to a stop near our table. Doppel had no such compunctions and quickly poured out some tea for us.

“I’m conducting an interview,” I replied. “Don’t mind us. So, you say you want to serve me directly rather than just act as a mercenary. Is that the opinion of your entire company, or just yours?”

“I will convince them. They will follow me.” Apparently that piqued Shiny’s interest, as he joined us at the table, sitting far away from Luna.

“Most mercenaries want money more than honor or glory,” Luna said. “Why would you choose to serve rather than work based on contracts?”

“Reliability, consistency, and renown,” the dog replied. “My company has grown to the point where it’s difficult to find contracts lucrative enough to keep us afloat. Before, when the changelings and griffins were fighting, we could always find a way to make do. But with that war over, our only options here are fighting monsters, turning to guard work, or doing illegal jobs. Felix being in prison made illegal jobs too dangerous, guard work is boring and doesn’t pay much, and there are only so many monsters that people pay to have killed. At the rate things were going, we were going to have to find a way overseas. It’s simple for one or two people. It’s much more difficult to move a hundred people. Working for a rich noble who’s well-known for being a hero sounds like a good way to get a steady, reliable income while building up the prestige of myself and my troops. If you grow strong enough, it’s possible I could become a knight or even a noble.”

“Is there precedent for that?” I asked, looking over at Luna.

“My lady, you are the precedent,” Luna replied.

“I meant a dog noble specifically. And also precedent for a vassal becoming a noble.”

“Ah. Yes to both. You can’t make him a noble, but if he performs enough meritorious deeds while under your service, you can recommend that he become one. The same would be true for Kat, Gourd, Watcher, and anyone else you vassalize. And at your rank of countess, you have the right to apply to build an order of knights. However, you won’t be able to do that until you build up your town a little.”

“I can’t start you as a vassal. That’s for people I know well. Luna, what’s the rank he’d get for joining me?”

“Watcher would be the vassal in charge of your bodyguards, the original night squads who joined you,” Luna said. “Rin Tin Tin would be the captain of your armsponies. Or I suppose armsdogs, in this case. Essentially, the equivalent of your military. They have no formal rank in the Equestria military, but if you were called to war, they would serve as your troops.”

“Alongside the golems,” I said, my eyes moving to the one in the yard out back for a moment. “I guess we’ll have to get you used to those, too. Well, I’ll tell you what we’ll do. Talk to your soldiers. Convince them to join me. When you do, I’ll accept your oath of fealty. But before you go, know that my primary enemy is larger than life. Something that no amount of strength can kill. If it decides you are an enemy, you might well suffer a fate worse than death. Knowing all that, do you still want to follow me?”

“My lady, I don’t think there’s any way you could convince me to stand down now,” the dog before me replied.

“Good. I would offer to spar, but I have an event today I need to be ready for. I can’t get dirty or anything, sadly. I also need to be able to walk properly.”

“I’ve heard talk of a beauty pageant,” the dog said with a sly smile.

“Oh yeah, that’s a thing, too. I meant another event, though. We’re going to be showing off some of my winnings from the Zone of Alienation at my promotion ceremony today. My understanding is that it’ll be a public event, so you could probably bring anyone you have trouble convincing.”

“Even I am intelligent enough not to bring an entire company of sellswords into Canterlot,” the dog replied. “Most of them are waiting nearby for me.”

“Right, I remember Celestia mentioning something about not liking mercenaries hanging around. You don’t see many dogs here, either. Cats are also almost unheard of, so you would all be very obvious. Hm, Luna, do you know if Jak made any of the armor or weapons I was planning to give the mercenaries?”

“He has, my lady,” Luna replied. “However, it would be difficult to retrieve them from the ship at the moment. Once it docks, doing so will be simple enough.”

“Weapons and armor?” the dog said, finally looking up at us. “My lady, we already have plenty of both. No mercenary worth the gold would make their contractor supply weapons.”

“Our equipment is better, trust me,” I said. “We’ll reequip all of you and teach you how to use all the enchantments and enhancements. Now that I have a group with hands, I’ll need to give some of you rifles as well.”

“Why not all of them?” Luna asked.

“Their kids, maybe. That’ll probably be a generation or two down the line, if I had to guess. It’ll take some time for the tech we have to catch up with the magic we have, and at the moment, being able to convert the blood of your enemies into magical power to enhance your armor beats out a rifle, unless you’re fighting at range. To be completely honest, I imagine any armor you make could probably repel a bullet from some rifles.”

“It would also do little to a golem,” Luna said, turning to look at the one out in the yard. “Though magic does little to them, too.”

“...Is it always like this?” Rin asked, looking over at Felix.

“Get used to dealing with immortals,” the cat replied with a long, tired sigh. “I’ll say this: If Lady Navarone offers you something, she will deliver. If she says her equipment is better, it will probably make you so powerful you won’t even know what to do with yourself. I take it you already have some plans for them, my lady?”

“How do you like the sound of fishing?” I asked with a smile.

“What for?” the dog asked, looking back over to me.

“Pirates. I want to convert their boats into airships, take over their strongholds to use as bases of trade, and sell all the criminals we capture alive to changelings as food. You’ll be given a percentage of the loot you reclaim, I’ll pay you a finder’s fee for any boats you bring me, and we’ll discuss payment for prisoners each time you bring me some. In your down time, you’ll be guarding my town near the Everfree. Construction will begin soon and I’ll need people to keep an eye on the place to make sure monsters don’t visit.”

“My lady, I very much like the sound of that,” the dog replied, once more wearing a predatory grin. “However… We’re good at fighting, but not so good at finding stuff on the open seas.”

“Don’t worry, I have an ex-princess for things like that,” I said. It made Luna beam in joy. “I also have a current princess, who almost definitely has a map of where ships went missing that we can use to narrow locations down. And finally, I have a few ex-pirate slaves who took shelter in some of those ports and would like revenge against those who enslaved them. If there are any pirate clans who work together, we’ll be able to rip the knowledge of other locations from the minds of those we capture.”

“Where are you going to get the crew for all those ships?” Felix asked.

“What do you think I’ll be trading the prisoners for? Changelings don’t use gold. I’ll be exchanging sources of food for sources of labor. I’m sure I can work a deal out with Moonie. Failing that, I can consult Celestia and Gilda. If that still isn’t enough, I can ask merchant guilds in various towns.”

“Why not us?” Shiny asked, finally butting in for the first time.

“Do you have the population to spare?”

“We… do not,” he replied. “Never mind.”

“I’ll work all the logistics out before the airships are functional,” I replied. “Luna, how hard would it be to use geothermal energy to power a magic shield?”

“I’d need to research a few runes, but I can have one ready by the end of the week,” she replied.

“After the pageant is over, we’re going north to Shiny’s place to claim a hot spring. We’ll build the warehouse there, set up a teleport center, build an inn, and let the money flow in. But we’re getting off topic. Assuming we can find the pirates for you, can you take them out in a way that keeps their ships and towns relatively intact?”

“...Yes, my lady,” the dog replied. For a moment there, he looked overwhelmed. Finally, he decided to put everything out of his mind and just focus on what he did understand.

“Good. Mercenary or retainer, you will serve me well. There’s always a need for violence in this barbaric post apocalyptic society. Say, by chance, would you be interested in doing lewd things to a deer king? Oh, that offer goes for you as well, Felix.” For some reason, Shining Armor sighed. “Please don’t feel like I’m forcing you into it. It’s just an offer, not a request or an order.”

“I respectfully decline,” Felix immediately replied.

“I am not sure I would… er… fit inside of a male deer,” Rin said. “But I’d be willing to try. What kind of mercenary would I be if I didn’t take a chance to build a personal relationship with a member of royalty? And Felix, what kind of thief are you if you don’t want to steal a royal’s heart?”

“Thieves are supposed to steal the hearts of princesses, not kings,” Felix said. “Maybe a queen, if the mood strikes me, but never a king!”

“Sexist,” I said. “Anyway, how long would it take for you to meet back up with your company?”

“A few hours.”

“My lady, I would like permission to show him the Zone,” Felix said.

“Granted. If you haven’t eaten yet, you’re welcome to wait until after breakfast.”

“I always eat well before coming to large pony cities,” the dog replied. “There’s no guarantee meat will be available.”

“There is at least one place in Canterlot that serves meat. You’ll probably be invited next time we do a meat-eating party. As for our personal supply, that’s not an issue.”

“Hm, I can smell it in the air,” Rin said, lifting his muzzle up to sniff. “Someone is quite good at cooking, it seems.” Amusingly enough, his tail began wagging.

“I’m glad my nose isn’t that sensitive. I’d probably be sneezing every time Felix enters the room.”

“I can assure you that I don’t stink!” Felix shouted.

“Yeah, but I’m allergic to tabbies.”

“That seems made up,” Shiny said.

“No… it’s not, sadly,” Felix said, hanging his head. “Our fur is different. Some have a harder time being around me than cats with shorter, less fluffy hair. You should have told me, my lady.”

“I’m more used to Shiny’s reaction than yours, so I usually don’t tell people. Anyway, Luna, would you mind sending them to the Zone? They can ask someone on site to send them back when they’re done walking around.”

“As you desire, my lady,” she replied, coming to her feet. Her horn lit up and the three of them vanished.

“So that’s how the great Lady Navarone conducts a job interview,” Shiny said.

“Learn anything?” I asked with a perfectly ladylike smile.

“Yes, I learned I need a deer king to offer on a silver platter. Perhaps then more talent will find its way to me.”

Before he could continue, Luna teleported back and took her seat again. “I think your new acquisition will do nicely, my lady.”

“Good. And he was telling the truth?”

“Indeed, he was. It’s likely he knows where we can find the fools who had the audacity to put a target on your back.”

“It would take a prohibitively long time to get there and deal with that issue. Realistically speaking, it would be better to go myself, but I have the pageant going on at the moment. Besides, taking care of the root of the problem right now will do nothing about the bounty hunters that are already coming, unless they have a much faster means of communication than I expected. Once Fleur’s nonsense is over, we can arrange a trip to China.”

“Celestia could probably take you immediately,” Luna said. “It’s been too long since I was last there, so all my points of reference for teleportation are gone.”

“Well… I’ve cleaned up one criminal organization in a day. I wonder if I could do a second?”

“If anyone could, it probably would be you,” Shiny replied. “That said, you should definitely take more time to prepare. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask more about the inn you mentioned opening. I know we talked about the hot spring nearby, but were you serious about being able to do something with it?”

“Luna?”

“It is doable,” she replied. “The runes my lady found at the Zone used the power of lava to fuel the magic shield. It should be simple enough to isolate the portions that convert heat into magic. The area we’ll be covering will be smaller, so it shouldn’t use much energy.”

“Wait, it’s not haunted, is it?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at the prince.

“It’s not, as far as I know,” he said. “If you have teleportation circles linked up to Equestria, tourists really would be able to come more easily. Right now, the only way to get to our kingdom is via reinforced airships or trains. It’s possible you could bring in some revenue for us.”

I softly cleared my throat before saying, “Princess Mia told me that land was unincorporated and unclaimed. Thus, not taxable.”

“Yes, well, when we advertise the beautiful Crystal Kingdom right next door, I’m sure they’ll want to visit, since it’s so close! So make sure your hot springs is set up perfectly.”

“What was that?!” a visiting princess loudly demanded as she made herself known. Princess Gilda marched right up to us with a relatively sour expression. “You intend to ruin all my plans with your own!”

“How long have you owned your hot springs?” I asked. “And yet you’ve done nothing with them. Sure, they’re atmospheric, but there’s no customer service at all.”

“Was calling it the Hamlet of Mehdiocrity not enough for you?!”

“Seriously, Nav?” Shiny said.

“That accusation is slander and I resent it,” I said. “My lips may have spoken them, but the words themselves came from Aqua. Also, good morning, Gilda.”

“It hardly feels like a good morning, what with you making plans for a hot springs of your own! You know I had plans for mine!”

“You said you were going to build a college there, not an inn. Sure, my inn will be linked to my college via teleport node, but it’s also possible to link up your college as well. So what’s the problem?”

“If you have your own, you’ll have no reason to visit mine! And your words or not, I still want to make you eat them some day!”

“Did it really make you that mad?” I asked.

“I have rarely been so humiliated in my life! My private fief, mocked as mediocre in front of my own guards!”

“Yeah, Nav’s pretty brutal to royalty,” Shiny said.

“Again, those weren’t my words,” I said. “But I mean, realistically, the only royalty I feel the need to fear and respect are Celestia, Moonbeam, Pyrite, and Arachne. They’re all vastly more powerful than me and until recently, none of them would have batted an eye about making me disappear if they thought it was necessary.”

“What about me?” Luna asked.

“You’re not a princess anymore.”

“And me?” Shiny asked.

“You’d bat an eye about making me disappear, so there’s no need to fear you. Same for your wife. And the griffins don’t have anyone powerful enough to be a threat to me, so I have no need to fear them either.”

“That… that doesn’t mean you can’t be nice…” Gilda replied in a pained voice.

“I like to think I’ve been very nice to you, actually,” I said. “I gave you access to a ton of information and technology, I helped you avoid going on a date with a brute, I talked your father into giving you more freedom to pursue your interests, I helped get rid of your annoying maid, I took you to the Zone and gave you access to all of its secrets, and now I’m granting you refuge in my house to avoid all the marriage proposals coming your way.”

“The word Princess Gilda is looking for is courteous,” Shining Armor said. “At this point, I’m used to it. If you started acting like that now, it would make my fur stand on end. But Princess Gilda is more delicate, like Cadance when you first met her, before you destroyed her spirit.”

“Slow your roll there, Shiny,” I said. “Please think back over the events of the last minute or so. The two of us were having a normal, civil business conversation when, without warning, she rudely interrupted us and started getting irate and making demands. Then, when I greet her, she starts making angry accusations, all while I try to calmly explain things. So, where in that process did I behave without courtesy? As a new noble, I’m still not sure how everything works, so please explain in detail what I did wrong.”

“It’s your attitude,” Luna replied for both of them. “Dismissive and uninterested. Sometimes casual to the point of rudeness. You make no attempt to sympathize or yield ground, instead choosing to deflect and argue. Princesses aren’t usually subjected to such treatment.”

“Neither are guard captains,” Shiny said.

“Or young maidens!” Gilda angrily added.

“Oh. So, would you like to visit the hot springs when they’re ready, Gilda? We can make it private, just like the treatment I got at your place.”

“Absolutely, but that’s not the point!”

I sighed and got to my feet, then approached the princess. She seemed wary, but made no move to resist as I started petting her. Apparently I finally guessed right, as she couldn’t keep a smile off her face and began purring in contentment. “If you wanted some special treatment, you just needed to ask. I don’t mind petting someone so cute and fluffy.”

“Princesses shouldn’t have to ask,” Luna said. “Special treatment is just expected from those around them.”

“No wonder most of them end up so spoiled. Shiny, be careful with Skyla.”

“I will be,” he said with a sigh. “Is your home always this exciting?”

“No, thankfully. Speaking of, where is your filly? I figured she’d be up and about.”

“Cadance is picking out an outfit. I can just go in armor, like you.”

“Well, with luck, this will be quick and uneventful and then we can all get on with our lives again.”

“Hm, is something happening today?” Gilda asked.

“Nothing important. Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s my lady’s promotion ceremony,” the maid version of Celestia said as she walked in. Her smile was perfectly serene and she was levitating a few plates of food. “I’m sure Princess Celestia planned it during the pageant to more easily allow foreign nobles like yourself to attend, Princess Gilda. If you have the time, Lady Navarone would be delighted if you made an appearance!”

“Do as you wish,” I said, taking my seat right as my maid floated food over to me. “And thanks for breakfast. If it makes you feel any better, I promise to do my best not to ruin the event.”

“I would much rather you just promise not to ruin it, rather than merely doing your best not to.”

“As long as the event goes smoothly and as planned, I promise not to ruin it,” I said. “I’m behaving during the pageant, aren’t I?”

“I heard it took great lengths to make that happen,” Shiny said. “Fleur mentioned something about one of her reporter friends nearly having a nervous breakdown after your interview.”

“I wish her well in her recovery,” I replied with a warm smile. “I hope to speak with her again one day, after all…”

“That sneer on your face is terrifying,” Shiny said. “If Skyla sees it, she might cry.”

“I think it suits you perfectly,” Gilda said. “It’s confident and… s-sexy.”

“I would prefer to serve a lady with a gentle smile,” Crystal Drop said.

“Better a villain with a sneer than a villain hiding behind a mask,” I said. “Anyway, I believe we all have busy schedules today. Luna, after breakfast, help me put on my armor.”

“May I attend the event as well?” Luna shyly asked.

“It would probably be better for more of my vassals to be there than not. Besides, there are still assassins out and about, supposedly. I’d rather have you close.”

“Yes, my lady!” she merrily replied.

“And I think if your sister had a problem with you attending, she would have said as much last night.”

“Nav, don’t tell me…” Shiny said, looking at me with exasperation.

“I met with Celestia, Luna, and Moonbeam last night for a discussion. I left early with Moonie.” He sighed in relief, Celestia sighed in disappointment, Gilda sighed in disgust, and Luna sighed in delight at the taste of her waffles. Since mine were starting to get syrupy, I joined Luna in eating. Celestia decided to make herself scarce and the other two members of royalty joined me in eating.

Soon, more people filtered downstairs. Luckily, I had an excuse to leave without talking to them, as I needed to get geared up. Luna teleported us both upstairs and began dressing me up in the glowing red runic armor.

“My lady, I have a question,” Luna said as she passed me the boots. “Are you sure this is the armor Celestia wanted you to wear?”

“She wasn’t specific. If I’m honest, I don’t really have any other armor that was explicitly designed for this body anymore.”

“Hm… Now that I think about it, you’re right. It would be difficult for you to use any of your other armor at the moment. I believe I can redo some of it, if you would like.”

“No need.” She floated over the gauntlets next, which I slid into place. “That would be planning for failure, after all. The win condition is getting as close to my original body as possible. If that happens, all the armor would have to be remade again anyway. It may not be difficult for you, but it would still consume time that could be better spent.”

“Time is one thing I have in spades, you know.”

“Your time is my time, and I say you have better things to do. Like letting me pet you, for example.”

“I’ll cede to your wisdom, I suppose. It seems you are ready, my lady. Oh, but you should probably wear either your cloak or a cape, should you not?”

“I mean, it seems inconvenient. I’d rather not, if I have the choice.”

“You are the highest ranking one in this room. Of course the choice is yours.” It still felt weird to hear something like that from Ex-Princess Luna herself. At the moment, it was just the two of us in the room, so she was correct. “What weapons will you take?”

“My sword and my naga dagger. I don’t want to show off the runic knives publicly just yet. After the pageant, I need to bring the broken dagger and the weapons we found back to the clan.” It wasn’t a meeting I was looking forward to, either.

She floated the weapons over and I attached them to my armor. When I was ready, I walked over in front of the mirror and took a look. “What do you think?” Luna asked.

“Luna, do you… think I used to look fierce?”

“At times, yes.”

“I don’t really ever feel that way anymore. Even as I look myself over now, all I really see is a young woman who belongs more at home than on a battlefield.”

“Would you like me to bleed on you? Perhaps the addition of blood would add to your ferocity?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been practicing enough.”

“Your gender change clearly destroyed your confidence. You made an irreversible mistake that you were warned about making. It made you lose your edge.”

“Makes sense. Well, let’s head out back. I could use some more sun.”

More to the point, I saw Skyla in the backyard, accompanied by Doppel. Luna opened the door for me and I let myself out, then hopped over the railing to fly down.

Doppel noticed me first and greeted me with a smile. That got Skyla’s attention, who blinked in surprise as I descended. “Lady Navi, you’re so… shiny? Why are you wearing glowing red metal clothes?”

“It’s called armor,” I replied, rapping my knuckles against my chest. “The red glowing part is magic. Did your mother mention an event later today?”

“She said it was super important and would change your life forever! She said you did something amazing, Lady Navi.”

“Well, Princess Celestia requested that I wear my armor for that event.”

“I had a hard time believing it, but I confirmed it already,” Doppel said with a sigh.

“I think our lady looks quite striking, myself,” Luna said with a smile.

“Huh. Your armor looks cooler than my dad’s armor…”

“You should never say that in front of him,” I said. I wanted to poke Skyla’s nose, but thought better of it. The armor I was wearing boosted my strength and I didn’t want to risk hurting her. “What do you think about the garden?”

“I’ve never seen most of these before. Do the plants do anything?”

“Some are for cooking,” I said. “This is basil, that’s lavender, that one is mint, that’s thyme.”

“Most of the flowers on that side are for potions,” Luna said, pointing toward the flowers that Gloomy planted. “That one is for general healing, that one is for clotting blood, this flower makes a fantastic poison, the root of that flower is good for diluting potions to make one strong potion into several weaker potions.”

“Doppel, ask Gloomy to put a warning near any poisonous plants,” I said. “I’ve seen some ponies eat flowers on the side of the road as a snack. I don’t want someone to meet their end if they get nippish in my garden.” Doppel quickly nodded.

“Wow… Your plants actually have purposes? The gardeners at home just say the flowers are there to look good. That always seemed like a waste.”

“Well, different people have different values,” I said with a shrug. “I prefer any plant grown here to be useful to some degree or another. However, I also don’t have to keep up appearances quite like royalty. Wait until you see Celestia’s garden.”

“A lot of the plants there do have value, but it’s rare that anyone is allowed to make use of them,” Luna said. “It’s mostly used for relaxation.”

“What are those trees for?” Skyla asked, pointing at the two magical cherry blossoms in the center of the yard. “I can feel that they’re full of magic!”

“If I ever die, I’ll come back to life inside of one of those trees,” I said. “The other one belongs to Taya.”

“What happens to the tree when that happens?” Skyla asked.

“I… don’t actually know, but I assume that it dies,” I said.

“So, you’re immortal?”

“Sort of, but not completely. I’ll say that killing me would prove so difficult that most people would be incapable of it. After all, even if you cut me down once, I have backups.”

“Wow… Can anyone do that? Oh, can I grow out of a tree?”

“You have to be infused with the essence of a tree, which is painful. I don’t recommend you do it, at least not until you’re an adult.”

“Tree ponies… The world’s really neat! And your trees are really pretty, Lady Navi! Could you grow them at my home, too?”

“I don’t know if that would work,” I said. “Your home is mostly dark for half the year. That might be bad for the trees.”

“Oh well. Say, do you know how to cook, too?”

“I can make some things, but I’m nowhere near as good as Celestia or your mother.”

“The sandwiches you invented are exquisite,” Luna said.

“You invented a sandwich?!” Skyla shouted, her wings fluttering.

“I didn’t invent it, I was just the first one to give it to Luna,” I said. “She’s talking about grilled cheese sandwiches. They’re good, but not usually something that would be fed to a princess.”

“Even commoner food can taste wonderful,” Luna said.

“I’ve never heard of it, either,” Skyla said. “I like grilled things, bread, and cheese, so I bet it’s good!”

“It shouldn’t be a problem for you to try it while you’re here,” I said. “I don’t think I’m allowed in a kitchen anymore, but I’d make you one if I was.”

“You’re allowed into a kitchen, but you’re not allowed to cook,” Doppel replied. “It would be rude to your staff, my lady.”

“I guess your mother would probably be able to make one,” I said.

“Wait, how does that make sense?” Skyla asked, tilting her head. “My mom is a princess while you’re a lady. Why’s she allowed to cook, then?”

“She's of a high enough status that she can get away with breaking some of the rules.”

“My lady, are you fully prepared to go?” Doppel asked. “Princess Celestia said the chariot was coming after breakfast, right?”

“I’m ready,” I said. “Unless you have a complaint?”

“Where’s your cloak, my lady?” Doppel asked. “The one with your heraldic symbol would be perfect for this.”

“It gets in the way. Celestia asked me to go in my armor, so I figured it would be better to make sure my armor was plainly visible.”

“Well, far be it from me to stand in your way…” Doppel said. “Is Taya riding with you, or will she be going later?”

“She has class today.”

“Which she’ll be excused from, obviously,” Doppel said. “So will she be riding with you or going with the rest of us?”

“Uh… I guess you’ll have to ask her. I didn’t really think it was that important, so I told her there was no reason to skip class.”

“Isn’t it super important?” Skyla asked, tilting her head.

“Yes,” Doppel said.

“Absolutely,” Luna added.

“Maybe I’m the weird one, then,” I said.

“You definitely are, my lady,” Doppel said. “Please forgive me for saying it, but your priorities are all wrong. I’m going to find Taya. Hopefully she hasn’t left yet…” Her wings flickered and she took off toward the house.

“I’ve never ridden in a chariot before,” Skyla said. “Is it like flying with your wings?”

“It’s a lot different,” I said. “I prefer using my own wings, but chariots are a symbol of status. It can be relaxing if I have a unicorn riding with me to block the wind, but it’s annoying to fly by myself. It does let you get a good view of the area without having to worry about getting disoriented and falling out of the sky, though. Your kingdom might not be big enough to make them necessary, but I know you can rent them in Canterlot. It might be worth riding around the city in one, or getting your parents to take you to Cloudsdale on one. Anyway, let’s head inside.”

I preferred the idea of waiting outside, but Skyla would probably want to wait with me. When the chariot picked me up, she would be left alone with Luna. Cadance would probably never forgive me if I let that happen, so it was better to get Skyla inside with the more responsible adults.

“Say, Lady Navi, I had a question,” Skyla said as we walked toward the doors. “Why does the spider sleep outside in the tree?”

“You’d have to ask him. I told him that he was welcome to take a room in the house, but he chose not to.”

“Alright, I will! Well, as soon as I find him.”

“He’s not here right now,” Luna said. “He went with Watcher to the Zone today, but he’ll be back in time for the pageant.”

“Say, do you think I could go there, too?” Skyla asked.

“I have no problem with it, but you’d have to ask your parents,” I said. We finally got to the doors, so I pushed them open and said, “Shiny, your filly wants to go to the Zone.”

“Absolutely not,” he immediately replied.

“Aww, why not?” Skyla asked. “Spider gets to go!”

“Nav, did you put her up to this?” Shiny asked, rubbing at his temple.

“Blaming me isn’t going to make her stop asking. And for the record, it was Luna’s fault, not mine.”

“I accept the blame,” Luna replied, bowing her head. “I mentioned that place a moment ago.”

“So why can’t I go?” Skyla asked, trotting up to her father and giving him a well-practiced pout.

“To be frank, you’d get in the way,” I said while Shiny floundered for an answer. “I know you want to go, but right now, the Zone is full of guards, laborers, scientists, and researchers, all working non-stop. If you went, they’d have to stop their work to entertain royalty. It would be better to do it later, after properly scheduling it during a time when other guests are visiting.”

“So it’s not dangerous, then?” Skyla asked.

“It’s definitely still dangerous,” Shiny said.

“Not where Spider will be, though,” I said. “He’s going through areas that have already been cleared and made safe. Same for any guests. As far as I know, the only threats still active there are deep underground.”

“So… it’s not dangerous?”

Shiny sighed. Luna poked me on the side and then pointed out back. When I looked, I saw a royal chariot awaiting me. “Looks like my ride is here,” I said. “I’ll see you guys at the event.”

“My lady, may I ride with you?” Luna asked.

“Only if you can do so inconspicuously. I’d rather they think I’m unprotected so they strike. If you were obvious, they wouldn’t dare.”

“I would be delighted to hide in the place closest to you!” she replied with a smile full of deranged glee. It was too late to correct my mistake, as she vanished into darkness and seemed to absorb into my shadow.

I decided not to think about it. “I’m off. Tell Cadance not to embarrass me, Shiny.”

“Alright, whatever,” he replied with a sigh. It seemed he had more important things on the mind, given the filly pestering him. I’m sure he’d manage, though.

When I got outside, one of the guards was working on unhooking himself. He stopped trying when I began walking over. “Lady Navarone, we’re here to take you to the palace,” the other guard said.

“I’m about ninety-five percent sure you’re telling the truth, but I need you to repeat after me,” I said. “I am not an assassin. I am one of Celestia’s royal guards.”

“Uh… Sure? I am not an assassin, I am one of Princess Celestia’s royal guards.”

My shadow didn’t react, so I nodded. “Thank you. Let’s get going, then.” I walked over and stepped up into the chariot as the two guards shared a look. They finally shrugged and took off, heading toward the palace.