Princess Celestia’s mane tended to flow more sluggishly in the mornings, which made maneuvering around it a fumbling act for her mind still fuzzy from sleep. Until she could have her first coffee of the morning, things would be slow and easy in Equestria — and for the most part, that was how the princess liked things. However, one of the exceptions to the carefree day ahead that she sensed was none other than her tail’s upkeeping. That was more of a hassle than any mane problems, and while she would never admit it to anypony, there were occasionally times when she had tripped over it when she had yet to pull herself from sleep’s lingering fog. When the princess was presented with days where that was her most difficult challenge, it was a sign of peace. Those were the kinds of days where she could count on minimal output in ensuring her nation ran, where she could feel rejuvenated by the conversations of her ponies as they surrounded her to be as much of delightful background music as the birds in her gardens.

Her eyes were tired and showed a little less of the ageless goddess she was before her immersive morning grooming routine, which was a necessity once she tended to her chamber’s plants. Idle thoughts danced in her mind while she tilted her watering can carefully over her window box, her magic faint and shaky in her tired grip. She thought of the tea she might have later with lunch. Celestia also found herself wondering if today called for soft orange eyeshadow or cheery yellow. All the while, she contentedly watered her blooming box of bright pansies. Her tiara was not even atop her head yet, and why would it be? She could worry about the face of her nation once she tended to the needs of others — even if they were but a box of flowers.

The dawn Celestia had brought to Equestria mere minutes before was a weak one, and Luna’s night had still not faded from the sky underneath the translucent pallor of Celestia’s morning. It was always Luna who made an art of the heavens above and Celestia who kept them in purely functioning form instead of flourishing and glowing with something beyond life, as Luna was so insistent upon. Princess Celestia brought the morning and sunset in a blink and swish of magic, and always had. There was no reason to change the simplicity, and how even the skies of Celestia’s daytime were meant for what they could do to enrich Equestria, and not a bit more. Her Summer Sun Celebrations were adored regardless of how plain her own gracefulness was. Now that Luna had returned, Celestia tried to be careful in ensuring Luna adhered to the same imposed simplicity too.

The everyday ought to be regarded as an ideal of its own, the princess thought.

Today was different from that ideal, but not abnormally so, as Celestia could not put her hoof on what that quality was. Weather ponies had announced the forecast’s schedule in advance, as they always did, and decreed that today would be overcast with rain later. But a mare could not help wanting to give her flowers a little snack, and she did not busy herself with buying and pondering the yearly weather almanacs made by the Order of Equestrian Weathersmiths in Cloudsdale. Such a common habit was the doing of earth ponies and certain specialized magicians, not a casual gardener like herself.

It was in this slow, chilly dawn that Celestia hummed idly and considered what the exact grind of the day would be. Her thoughts emerged cautiously through her daze as the fog around Canterhorn Mountain parted to reveal the lower spires and gleaming walls of her city.

Only then did the loud sound of a splash and a pop boom from behind her. It was almost certainly one of the common sounds of magic. Celestia gasped, eyes wide and wanting to find the source. Her already faint magic fumbled, spilling the remaining contents of her watering can as she whirled around.

Her eyes met her guest’s immediately, and her watering was forgotten, at least for now. There was no mistaking the serpentine form for anypony else she knew, not even the smallest of Qilinese and Neighponese wyrms. The mismatched limbs could only belong to one being, the only kind that could have Celestia smiling so naturally in the midst of a mess, like she was now. Some of her worries slipped away as quickly as they had come. The personal chambers of her and Luna were warded against teleportation and their few keys were guarded closely; the exception to these powerful barriers and strict tabs kept on the keys being any lovers or family members — and in Celestia’s case, her Faithful Students.

“Dissy!” she chided, “You gave me such a fright! What have I said about teleporting directly behind me before?”

“Do you want a full impression?” Discord asked, his claw and paw fidgeting, seemingly to unhook a fish from the former.

“No thank you,” Celestia said quickly, “at least not now. Gracious me, you look as though you’ve been on a whole string of errands! Are Twilight and her friends in trouble? Is that the reason why you look like you’ve lost a drunken square-dancing competition in a fishing store?”

“Erhm, well, no, that certainly isn’t the case…” Discord plucked a soggy piece of fabric from one of his horns and let it fall to the floor — which the princess decided to ignore. For now.

“Are those…” She squinted at the bright, friendly patterns and small buttons. There were at least four other aloha shirts clinging to Discord’s form and brought in with the clutter of his teleportation residue. “Are those… Butterfly Island shirts?”

“Why, yes! They are, now if I may—”

The princess sighed in a gesture approaching but just missing, a full pout. “You know how dear that particular colony is to me. Couldn’t you have told me that you were going? I would love to see if that juice bar I love is open — doesn’t that sound like a fine idea for lunch? Getting to watch the rainbows and listen to the waterfalls…”
“Well, about that…”

The draconequus gave an oddly nervous smile, wringing his paw and claw before proceeding to explode with magic, contorting his whole body in the blink of an eye to rid it of water. His rain poncho poofed away, as did the squirming fish and other odds and ends he brought with him. Only the smell of sea salt remained prominent. It was a scent that Celestia observed came from more than just Discord himself.

“Celly, I—”

He was cut off by a gasp from Celestia as she smiled at the other guest. Emerging from behind Discord was a green, slimy entity bearing a dopey smile aimed at Celestia.

“Well, hello there!” Celestia cooed, prancing momentarily. “Oh, Dissy! I’m so glad you brought little Smoozie-Woozie! Tell me, has he been causing any problems lately? Nabbing any trinkets? From the castle? From Twilight’s castle? Oh dear, did he take something from anypony else’s castle? Is that what this is all about, and why you had so many things with you?”

“Erm,” Discord twiddled his thumbs, “That isn’t too far off…”

She reached out to pat the green slime fondly, watching it wiggle gleefully. Discord always referred to the Smooze as male, but as for how it was able to be male, she had no idea. It certainly had no patterns, manner, or other signs for her to justify referring to it as such.

“Goodness me, is something else wrong?” She tapped around the Smooze lightly, as if to scratch non-existent ears. “Is he overdue on a playdate with Philomena, because I certainly think that she would just love to—”

“No, no,” Discord said quickly, his odd smile growing bigger and more hesitant. “It’s something else…”

All of the princess’s cheer fell away, leaving her not with her usual composure but a faint nervous air. Her mane flicked with quick, idle motions, having picked up speed with her budding worry that came from needing to take a step back and assess the situation. She blocked out the noise of fish flopping around on her gorgeous, rich carpet. Even the colors in her mane seemed a touch paler in the uneven light of her room. Why did it sound like Discord was uncomfortable sharing what was wrong with her of all ponies?

“Dissy?” Celestia asked, cupping his muzzle with her hooves. “What’s wrong?”

Discord, ever in motion, squirmed and fidgeted under the cool, soft touch of Celestia. “Well,” he drawled, “the Smooze is having problems.”

Celestia regarded the draconequus quietly, most of her tiredness gone from her eyes, though they had yet to shine with full alertness. She stepped back from her lover to turn her calm gaze to the Smooze, who was making squelching noises in the puffy little life vest Discord had put him in. For all intents and purposes, the Smooze was Discord’s pet, and a half-aware one at that. He paid her no mind, and followed her as she quietly withdrew a few bits from inside the drawers of a bedside table.

The Smooze accepted the treats eagerly, growing little from the meager offering and grinning its toothless, gumless, near-mouthless smile. Smiling back, Celestia was able to hide the discomfort from having the mucus-like residue left on her hoof, wiping it away with a conjured hoofkerchief. “I’m far from an expert on creatures of any kind, but little Smoozie-Woozie looks fine to me.”

She offered Discord a reassuring smile, pretending not to notice the Smooze ambling innocently about in the background — sliding over to her expansive vanity and ingesting a few precious, expensive crystalline perfume bottles.

When Discord did not stop twiddling his thumbs, and looked at the Smooze with a nervous stare past the bizarre creature, Celestia’s worry crept back. There was nothing to suggest anything was remotely wrong, and the only thing fishy was the smell now permeating her bedroom, but Discord usually worried over very little, and what his carefree attitude remained unbothered by, he tried to fix — and sometimes ‘fix’ — with his chaos magic.

It drew her to him, that unpredictability of his. In fact, he became so unpredictable that he became predictable to her, a mare who had known him for most of his life. And yet, Celestia’s expression softened knowing that anything that still bothered Discord so much after her attempt to weigh in would inevitably bother her as well.

“If this is a matter of creature quandaries, you have the wrong mare. While I am no busier today than usual, and you know I would love to help, I think that Fluttershy would be much better suited in helping the Smooze. She probably knows all the best vets in Ponyville; I’m sure one of them would know whatever ails little Smoozie here.”

Celestia’s horn flashed with magic, and she lifted a large basket to scoop the Smooze into, pulling the creature over to where they were. “I can get him some blankets and something else to eat, but if he’s sick, it’s only responsible to take him to somepony who knows how to help. Why, I even let Philomena self-immolate, so I’m not the best… consultant on pet health.”

“...Isn’t your birdie supposed to burst into flames?”

Tutting, Princess Celestia gave the confined Smooze another head pat. “Oh, of course, she is. But I still let her make such a show of it.” She cooed once more at the Smooze, before she hoofed him over to Discord, who now cradled the basket in his claws. “Now, you’ll keep me updated on his condition, right? Fluttershy should keep him in very good hooves, and I’m positive he’ll get better in no time. Oh, and do consider bringing Twilight into this. If Fluttershy doesn’t know how to fix the Smooze, I’m sure there’s something in Twilight’s castle library about magical illnesses.”

“The Smooze isn’t sick,” Discord said, ignoring the green slimy creature’s efforts to get Discord’s attention by brushing against him. “And he doesn’t need a veteran.”

“Veterinarian,” Celestia corrected automatically. “And if he isn’t sick, then what is wrong with him? Are you sure you don’t need him to see a specialist? If so, then maybe Fluttershy isn’t the pony to contact… Oh, dear…”

“Yes, yes!” Discord exclaimed, gaze darting about fretfully as he threw his forelimbs into the air and began pacing her bedroom in haphazard, nonsensical lap patterns. “I need your help, Celly! If I needed Fluttershy or Little Miss Book Smarts, I would have brought them here by now! Or, even better, I would have snapped—” here, Discord snapped for emphasis, “—the problem away and dipped into my own hocus pocus instead of purple pony princess peskiness!”

“Dissy,” began Celestia quietly, tugging at the Smooze’s basket with a forehoof in order to draw it closer. “Just what is the matter? I’m sorry if my suggestions are inadequate, but I have no idea what’s wrong to have you so worked up.”

Discord’s pupils shrank, dancing briefly with unsettling light. “Ponies are going to be in trouble! You’re the best at protecting ponies, not Flutters or Princess Friendship.”

Princess Celestia’s ears turned forward, her demeanor shifting to a hushed phantom of regal worry. The rambunctious escaped Smooze’s slime drooping down her legs suddenly felt cold and heavy.

She swallowed, her throat dry. A shiver raced down her spine.

...the best at protecting ponies…

“What… exactly do ponies need protection from?” she murmured, pulling the basket in her magic once more to corral the wandering Smooze in a way that even she had to admit was uncharacteristically brusque for her.

Discord had his claw raised close to his mouth and was biting absently at one, watching Celestia handle the Smooze with the neutral air of a distracted governess. “Celly, don’t treat that Smooze so meanly.”

‘Meanly’ was certainly not how Celestia was currently handling the green slime ball currently lounging in her oversized basket with all the awareness of a heat-dazed dog. More like a paranoid conspiracy theorist trying to seize the opportunity of being one step ahead of perfectly respectable royalty. However, that was not what really caught her attention.

“Discord, what do you mean, this Smooze?”

…

“I mean there’s more than him,” Discord replied, jabbing his paw toward the basket.

“How can there be more of these? I don’t recall them growing on trees like zapapples that anypony could harvest and parade about.” Celestia took a quiet, sharp exhale and sat down upon her vanity’s cozy nearby cushion. Her horn dimmed. When the golden light vanished, the Smooze splashed and writhed more contentedly in its temporary home.

“And just where is this second Smooze?” she asked him, a headache of worry pulsing softly under her horn.

“On one of Neighpon’s baby islands,” Discord said, pinching the air with his paw to demonstrate just how smol the landmass truly was — to borrow a Pinkieism.

Celestia bit at her lip. Neighpon was not only on the other side of the world and across the Barren Sea, but it was also made up of thousands of islands covering thousands of miles. The preparations needed for such lengthy travel would only be one issue to consider.

“What was it that brought you to Neighpon, of all places?” Celestia asked. Cross-continental teleportation left any creature — mortal or otherwise — drained, and was always safest done with stops. For Discord to have been there and back again so quickly, the urgency was all too apparent — as was the likelihood of Discord’s magic likely being stretched, like sore muscles after athletic endeavors...

...which would mean any magical responsibilities would be on her, if she were to take up this errand and its burdens.

“I try to visit all my creations,” Discord insisted, conjuring what looked like a photo album. He patted it once, spawning a dust cloud that drifted overhead. Celestia scooted close to Discord before craning her head low to get a better look at his ‘creations’.

“I see,” Celestia said, flicking an ear to the side, though the experience was not something she understood, having never had creations, foals she called own, or any lifeforms of the sort. She was not one to leave magical traps and artifacts about with the intention of them being found, or whatever else would warrant such check-ins. Perhaps to Discord, checking in on his creations was like writing to a dear friend — something she could grasp. “Now, how can this Smooze be a danger to ponies when that Smooze—” she nodded over to the resting blob, “—is an inoffensive creature. Why, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Is this a case of theft against the islanders’ wealth? Has the Smooze on that island grown too much?”

“Erm,” Discord scratched the back of his head. “Maybe we should slow things down a bit, eh? Yes, this one grew. She’s quite the big girl—”

“She?” asked Celestia, blinking, and tapping under her muzzle just so. “There is a lady Smooze?”

“Oh, of course!”

“...How can you tell?”

Discord gave a shrug that made the rest of his noodle body wave with the motion. “Dunno. Anyway, she’s not anypony’s little girl anymore. Oh, and she’s very cranky. He’s a small, docile bit of Smooze. She… isn’t.” Discord waved his paw in an effort to clarify, but the gesture was nervous and notably vague, even for Discord’s standards. “Think of her like this little fellow here during the Pretty Prancing Gala… just far bigger… and less friendly.”

Didn’t he see that he was worrying her mind enough? Celestia did not want to think about that, and shifted the Smooze’s basket over to her. “Why is it you have just learned of this creature’s actions, Dissy?”

Discord winced, his breath coming in an awkward hiss. “I haven’t seen her since I was stoned.”

Celestia’s expression was devoid of any notable reaction. “Petrified,” she insisted. “That means something much different now.”

“Oh, I know!” Discord burst into one of his familiar grins, the kind that usually had her laughing in lighter times. “Fluttershy’s friend Treehugger has told me all about it!”

“Mhm,” was the only response Celestia had about that. She rubbed the top of the Smooze. “We had better not waste any more time, Dissy. You need to conserve your magic if we’re to travel to the Neighpon Islands. I am surprised you even managed to get here and back somewhere!”

“It’s that draconequus stamina, Celly. You should know,” he said with a smirk as he rose before her, animating the door so it scuttled open on newfound legs in order for Celestia to carry the basket with the Smooze outside. It was secured into place with a brief snap of colorful chaos magic, and Discord appeared next to Celestia. Her regalia was adorning him clumsily and a hiker’s overstuffed bag was slung over his back.

“What did I just say about magic, Dissy?”

“Fine, fine, be Princess of the Fun Police,” he said, giving an exaggerated fool’s shrug.

When he grinned goofily at her, she managed to return a ghost of his smile and nuzzled him.

…

They divided their preparations and managed to complete most of them with ease. Letters to Luna had been written, letting the younger Alicorn know that she was to rule with Celestia’s absence, for she was not sure how long they would take. As obvious as it was, Celestia knew not writing would be cruel, and Luna needed to know where she was in case Discord and Celestia found themselves in any dire situations… such as encountering a curse, or either of them going missing. She had given Raven instructions to relay to the rest of the castle staff. This way, Luna would not be overburdened by simply making their subjects aware of her errand, and Luna ought to phrase things along those lines so their subjects would not worry.

Meanwhile, Discord delighted in busying himself with various tasks. He emptied an entire weapon rack into his bag, cramming at least five spears into the pack carelessly. Following those were a variety of suspicious-looking potions, matching couples’ canteens, a Smooze-sized sunhat, and a rubber duck.

Frankly, the sun hat was the most confusing part. Neighpon’s vast archipelago was quite rainy this time of year.

The Smooze squirmed inside Princess Celestia’s saddlebags as she went about her own work. She paid no mind to it, since the gooball was shrunk by Discord’s stern voice, which allowed her to turn her attention to the well-illuminated tower room, one that she was all too familiar with.

Maps of the known world covered the walls and the rough-hewn crystalline slab in stark contrast to the usual strong elegance of Canterlot Castle’s architecture. Upon them were well-preserved diagrams of entire regions and swathes of territory, their coordinates labeled precisely to ease teleportation’s few difficult elements. Making sure that nopony got lost teleporting between known lands like Neighpon’s islands or the dense Amarezon Forest of Brayzil was just as important as safe teleportation. Not only was it impossible to teleport to somewhere the caster had never been, but it was also possible to die, lose limbs, displace organs, or drain magic before a spell could completely transport one to their destination. Coordinates were the only way around never having been somewhere. It was a law in the way that gravity or physics had laws, they might be bent — hence things like coordinates — but never broken. Unicorns were taught from an early age to learn various coordinates as well as they would know their own cutie marks — including their home, school, royal guard stations, hospitals, and public libraries — all before it was even certain that they were capable of teleportation at all.

Other parchment threads detailing specific landmarks were tacked in odd places, showing specific locations in Equestria’s farther reaches, the colonies, and many foreign lands. A plethora of gems was shining in mountainous piles scattered around the room each bearing a supernatural glitter that glistened under the candle-lit shroud. Anypony who looked carefully would be able to see that the glow was coming from the inside of the gems instead of from the light’s interaction with them — a blatant indication of their involvement in enchantments.

Celestia calmly approached the wall bearing the most depictions of the Neighponese seas amid the scattered maps and illustrations. Her wings shifted faintly, folding over her saddlebags to better hide the jewels decorating it from the Smooze. Various pages showed images of the nation’s major islands, along with a few others that dotted the heavy parchment in ink long since dried. Though, tales had reached the princess’ court regarding islands with themes pulled out of storybooks: cats and rabbits outnumbering the sapient residents in charming aquacultural villages and other seaside destinations.

“Discord!” she sing-songed, waving a forehoof toward her. “Which of these islands is your other Smooze close to?”

Her horn lit, and she began to stuff several ensorcelled gems into her Smooze-less saddlebag. They glowed brighter when reunited with her magic once more, and she was careful to discard any that were chipped or flawed from the magical overcharge rawer forms of Alicorn magic could bring to such ordinary gemstones. Chariots and boats saw more use than her personal teleportation chapel, but that was no excuse for her not to let her hoards go uninspected.

Discord slid over to her, spinning like the marble floor was made of butter. “Hrm-hrm.”

Celestia gave the Smooze a scolding look before shoving its slimy body away from where it tried to snag some of her gems that were making her saddlebag bulge considerably from her bounty. Her hoof was all that told the creature what it was doing was unwanted, since never once had the Smooze responded to anything other than voice or touch — which was an abnormal behavior even for a non-sapient animal.

“That one!” Discord exclaimed, pointing at a speck of land painstakingly labeled in small horn-writing as Uninhabited Islet #127.

“You’re certain it’s that one?” asked Celestia, giving Discord a gentle, but serious look. “We could be island-hopping for heavens know how long if this isn’t the right island.”

“Definitely that one!” Discord tapped the map, ignoring Celestia when she shoved the Smooze back into the saddlebag it was trying to slide out from. “There was an island shaped like a potato chip nearby, and if you look very carefully this one is clearly shaped like the potato chip I remember.”

Princess Celestia looked doubtful at the inky silhouette. “Don’t most islands look like potato chips?”

“Of course not! And besides,” Discord said, scoffing, “this one is clearly a ruffled chip, which I’m sure you’re very well acquainted with if you think all of them look like chips.”

Celestia gave a small, chastising hum in the back of her throat. It was her way of showing she would not dignify the chip remark with any further replies. “And that makes all the difference?”

“Absolutely!” Discord crossed his forelimbs. “Imagine if you were here with somepony else who thought any old potato chip shape would do. You would be lost in no time!”

Celestia clicked her tongue, smiling and shaking her head. “Oh goodness, Dissy. What would I do without you?”

“I just told you: be lost in no time!”

“Well,” Celestia gave the maps one last look, “if that is the closest island, then I suppose we must make haste.”

Discord nodded, and held his paw out, charging it with the colorful and frantic aura of chaos magic. Celestia’s magic shimmered to life once more, the gold intensifying with every second. The princess wrinkled her muzzle from the effort and squeezed her eyes shut from the bright outpouring of golden aura coming from her saddlebag. The Alicorn magic tethered to the gems jumped at her conduit, eager to be used and drained into something.

Before the chance to complete anything came, Celestia laid another layer of preservation enchantments upon the room’s contents with a flicker. The heat of the tower room grew more intense with the duration of Celestia’s magic.

Discord tapped his paw to Celestia’s horn, complete with a pfffftttt sound effect which caused the two lovers to fade in a flash.

Author's Note

[Revised for print on 1/30/2023]

Whelp. Here things go. I'm not sure if it is what anyone counted on seeing in this contest, but hopefully it doesn't overstep any of the rules in any way. I did go through the trouble of asking to clear things up and ensure any ideas I had still fit the rules and prompt.

I seem to be writing some very out-there things lately, though maybe that is just in terms of rating. Anyway, I hope y'all like this. At least a little. It's weird, but what Ice Star story isn't weird? I feel that is a requirement of anything written by me.

There are two other parts to this story, and then it will be complete. I have a fickle relationship with word counts, but I'll try.

5/2/20: (Edit) The alternate universe tag is to comply with the contest rules. Now that the contest is over, it is no longer needed.