"A magician never reveals her secrets!"
“Trixie, look! The catalogue from that new furniture store came in this morning. You’ll never believe what’s on page 73!”
Trixie slowly opened her eyes and blinked away her sleepiness. Her mane was a mess, her wagon in a similar state, and she was covered in soot and scorch marks. As her eyes adjusted to the blinding sun, she could see Starlight standing at the door to her wagon.
Trixie yawned. “Starlight, you know I’m happy to see you, but did you have to come so early?”
“It’s… noon.”
“I work at night.”
“You used to work at night. You work at the school now, remember?”
Trixie blinked slowly, again. One eye and then the other. One eye. And then…
A glow enveloped her. Trixie started awake again as she floated out of her hammock and her hooves met the floor. A hot mug of something–coffee?–floated in front of her.
Starlight’s expression was sympathetic, but she still couldn’t suppress a laugh. “I figured this might happen. You know this isn’t the first time I’ve had to wake you up.”
Trixie took a sip from the mug. Bland, yet also acidic and charred at the same time: the familiar taste of her own stash. “Wait, how long have you been in here?”
“Just long enough to brew the coffee. I definitely wasn’t watching you sleep.”
“You know, after what happened at Twilight’s castle, I thought you’d be staying here more. Wait, what was that second–”
Starlight cut her off, laughing. “You know I can’t stay here, this wagon is way too small for both of us. Anyways, look at this!”
The catalogue filled Trixie’s view. “It’s a coat hanger.”
“Not a coat hanger,” said Starlight, pointing to the description. “It’s a kite hanger! It says it’s specifically made for hanging kites. I’ve been meaning to decorate the master bedroom at the castle!”
“Master bedroom?”
“Well, now that Twilight’s moved out, no one’s using the master bedroom, and I figured it was time for an upgrade.” Starlight moved the catalogue back from Trixie’s face. “They just opened one of these on the outskirts of Ponyville. Want to come with me?”
“You want me to come with you to a furniture store?”
"Yeah! We can pick up more stuff for my room and I thought you might want to spend the day together." Starlight rubbed one foreleg with the other.
"Oh, sure."
"Great! We can move your stuff into the master bedroom. That'll let us use the wagon to carry whatever we buy."
"Move my… oh, I see what you're doing here." Trixie nudged Starlight, giving her a knowing look.
"Yep!" With a flash, Starlight teleported the contents of Trixie's wagon away. Trixie spun around in her wagon, taking it in.
"I don't think the wagon's ever been this clean."
"Let's get going!" Starlight walked towards the door, but quickly turned her head back to look at Trixie. "And no smoke bombs. I don't want to get kicked out of another store."
"But–"
"No bombs, no cloak. I know you'll sneak some in otherwise."
"Ugh, fine."
"And no hat! I've seen you pull a bomb out of there before."
"Argh! Fine. No fun, I get it."
A few minutes and a very thorough pat-down later, they set off. Trixie was grumbling.
“I still don’t see why you had to search me.”
“Trixie.”
“Alright, fine, but I don’t see why you had to search so thoroughly!”
“Trixie.” Starlight gave her companion a flat look. “You know very well why. And I didn’t hear you complaining much during the search.”
“Well–that’s–ugh! I thought you were throwing yourself at me.”
“If I did that all the time we’d never go anywhere.”
“Yes, exactly.”
Starlight applied her forehoof to her face. “Look, we can get to the store, park the wagon, and be in and out in five minutes.”
“And then we’ll go shopping?”
“TRIXIE.”
“If I can’t have my smoke bombs, at least let me have this!”
“I can’t even–yes, okay. Let’s just go.”
"Trixie, where did you go?!"
The moment Starlight and Trixie arrived at FLIFLA, Trixie darted ahead. Starlight wandered the seemingly endless halls of furniture for what felt like hours until she spotted Trixie's flank sticking out of a model bedroom. Starlight yanked Trixie's tail, dragging her out of the room.
"Trixie!"
"Starlight, look! This room has a bunch of stuff that would be perfect for the bedroom. Take this drawer, for instance."
Starlight looked at the drawer. The tag read "MALM."
"I'm pretty sure both our clothes would fit in here, and there'd be space left over for extra smoke bombs."
"Why would I need space for smoke bombs?"
"Oh, right, right. It's a surprise." Trixie punctuated the sentence with air quotes.
"What's a surprise?"
"Playing it coy. I get it.” Trixie winked.
Starlight sighed. “Look, I ran into a salespony looking for you. I asked him where the kite hangers are; they’re downstairs and according to him, there’s only one left. If we hurry–”
“Oh, right, about the hangers–”
“–if we hurry we can get it.”
"Starlight, I really think–"
"Come on!"
Trixie’s eyes darted around the showroom as Starlight led her through the maze of corridors and model rooms.
Trixie tugged at Starlight, pointing at something. “Look at that NOLMYRA.”
“That’s a chair.”
“Wouldn’t it be a great chair to watch me perform from?”
“Trixie–”
“A Great and Powerful chair, if I say so myself. Which I do.”
“One, it’s a chair. We have chairs.”
“We?” Trixie flashed a coquettish grin at Starlight.
Starlight continued. “Two, who names a chair ‘NOLMYRA?!’”
“Didn’t you name a potted plant ‘Phyllis?’”
“Those are two entirely separate situations!” Starlight continued walking the corridor. Trixie followed.
“And how are they separate? It’s just a plant!”
“Her name is ‘Phyllis’ and so help me you will refer to her as such. She is not just a plant. We’ve had this conversation before!”
“Trust me, I remember.”
“Then you know exactly why they’re different! Phyllis is a living being.”
“Starlight, I’ve been in your room in Sire’s Hollow.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I saw the skulls. I saw your diary. They had names.”
“Wait, you looked in my diary?”
Trixie tittered nervously. “What? I didn’t look in your diary. It just happened to be open and the Great and Powerful Trixie couldn’t help but–SMOKE BOMB!”
A field of smoke erupted from the ground. By the time Starlight finished coughing, Trixie had vanished.
“Ugh, not again! Trixie!”
“Why can’t I find anything in this store?!”
Starlight had long since given up looking for Trixie. After deciding to cut her losses and go home, she made her way to a room lined with bookshelves.
“Alright, is somepony messing with me? There is no way this shelf is called ‘BILLY!’”
The shelf said nothing.
“Is anypony else here?”
A nearby lamp–”GRÖNÖ”, read the tag–flickered.
Something tapped Starlight on the shoulder. A tall unicorn with a mustache as large as his face revealed himself.
“Are you looking for something?”
“Didn’t I talk to you earlier?”
“Oh, no, no, we’ve never met! I’m sure I’d remember a charming face like yours.”
“Uh huh. Can you point me to the… wherever the kite hanger is?”
“Well, that’ll be in the self-service room!”
“The what?”
“FLIFLA is proud to introduce the newest wave of home decor: build-it-yourself furniture!”
The salespony led her to a room filled wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling with cardboard boxes.
“Wait, which one of these is the kite hanger?”
“What’s it called?”
“Uh… HÄNGA. Wait, that just says hanger!”
“No, I mean the inventory name. Should be on the tag on the display piece.”
“You’re not telling me–”
“Back to the showroom!”
Another long search. Starlight wondered if it was even still light outside. The salespony was waiting for her in the self-service room.
“Here’s the damn number.”
“Excellent!”
A long pause. Starlight and the salespony stared at each other. Starlight broke first.
“So… are you going to get the hanger?”
“Oh, no, no, no. No. In the self-service room, you get to pick out your own furniture!”
"Of course."
The room was at least well organized. Starlight found the shelf marked with the hanger's number.
It was empty.
Starlight stomped back over to the salespony. "Do you have any more of these in stock? Maybe in the back or–"
"Oh, there is no back. This is the warehouse! If it's not here, we don't have it."
"But this was the main reason I came here!"
"I'm sure we'll have another in stock soon! The last one just sold today and they're going fast."
"They are?"
"Sure! Who wouldn't want one?"
A draft blew through the mostly empty store. The salespony's moustache fluttered in the wind. Then it tilted to one side.
Then it fell off.
Under the salespony's moustache was another moustache. This one matched his mane. Without breaking eye contact, he levitated the false moustache back to his lip and reattached it.
Starlight stared at the moustache. "I'm going to go now."
"Come back soon!"
The self-service room's exit led to the registers, and beyond to a cafe. The warm smell of cinnamon buns filled the air. Starlight spotted Trixie sitting at a table, eating a bun out of a bag next to her on the floor.
"There you are!"
"Starlight, you're here!"
"Yes! I was looking everywhere for you; were you here the entire time?"
"Not the entire time. Want a cinnamon bun?" Trixie pulled another bun out of the bag and offered it to Starlight.
"No, I don't want a cinnamon bun! Trixie, there was only one of that hanger I came here for, and because I had to spend the entire time searching for you, somepony else bought it!"
"Wait, is that why you were in such a hurry?"
Starlight's voice came through as angry mouth sounds for several seconds as she sputtered and spat. "Yes! That's the main thing I came here for! Why did you keep running off?"
"I wanted to help you find things for the bedroom, and…" Trixie pulled a box from the bag. "I already bought the kite hanger. I knew you'd probably want it first."
"I… you what?"
"I tried to tell you, but then there was that whole di–thing we don't need to talk about."
"Where did you keep that smoke bomb?!"
"A magician never reveals her secrets!"
"You… You… argh! That was sweet of you but you are still the most infuriating pony I have ever met!"
Trixie batted her eyes. "But you love it. And the Great and Powerful Trixie."
"I spent hours searching for you!"
"Starlight, it's only been 40 minutes." Trixie pointed to a clock on the wall. 1:30 PM.
Starlight took a seat next to Trixie. Her face landed square on the table.
"So… is that a no to the cinnamon bun?"
Starlight's aura surrounded the bun Trixie had offered. "Gimme."
Starlight sat up to lean on Trixie as the two ate the rest of the cinnamon buns. But for the sound of chewing, the cafeteria was dead silent.
"Hey, Trix."
"Mmm?"
"Have you noticed that this store is totally empty?"
"Now that you mention it, yeah."
"Did you see anypony other than the salesponies?"
"Nope."
"Huh. Wonder why that is."
Starlight bought the rest of the pieces Trixie had pointed out and the two returned to the castle. It was night outside when they finished constructing all the new furniture.
"And now we can move your stuff back into the wagon!"
"Oh, yeah, yeah. Wait, into the wagon?"
"Uh, yeah? It'd be a little cramped to have it lying in here."
"But I thought this was an elaborate scheme to invite me to move in with you!"
"You what–wait, is that why you kept disappearing on me?"
"I wanted to find furniture we'd both like!"
"Trixie! You should know I'd just tell you!"
"So… is that a no on the moving in?"
"I… well…" Starlight sighed. "It's only been a few weeks since… y'know and I don't want to rush things."
Trixie's expression fell. "Oh. Yeah, that probably makes sense."
"I'm not saying no." Starlight rested a hoof on Trixie's shoulder. "Just not yet."
The two kissed.
Starlight added, "But if you want to have a place to store some of your stuff, there's always my old room."
"Thanks."
They kissed again, deeper this time.
Then Starlight's eyes shot wide open. With her magic, she yanked on Trixie's tongue. Underneath her tongue was a small, empty pouch. One just large enough for a smoke bomb.
"TRIXIE!"
"Ahaha… Surprise?”
Starlight glared at her.
“Smoke bomb!”
MALM flew open with a yank from Trixie’s magic. A drawer filled with smoke bombs hit the ground and the room exploded into smoke and noise. The joints of the bed broke, MALM detonated, and Starlight tumbled into NOLMYRA, breaking the new chair. Trixie brushed BILLY with her tail as she whipped around to run. Mercifully, BILLY stayed intact. For a few seconds, anyway.
An intense rumbling sound filled the room as Starlight tried to put her chair back together. Suddenly a loud crack filled the air. Starlight was buried in a pile of books. Finally, HÄNGA’s prongs fell off and the attached kites floated gently to the ground. Silence reigned in the destroyed bedroom.
A few minutes later, Trixie returned.
“Starlight?”
Starlight sat facing away from the door, her shoulders heaving.
“Starlight, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… wait, are you laughing?”
Starlight’s laughter turned into a cackling howl.
“Are you alright? Trixie is worried.” Trixie pulled Starlight into a hug, trying to soothe her. Starlight laughed and laughed, barely taking a pause, even to breathe. Eventually, however, she stopped.
“This couldn’t possibly have gone any more wrong!”
“Not that Trixie is deflecting blame, but shouldn’t this furniture have been more… less explodey?”
Starlight stood up and brushed off the dust that had accumulated when the bookshelf collapsed. “Yeah. I think we need to go back to that store tomorrow and have a talk with the owners.”
“Starlight, I’m worried about the way you just said ‘talk.’”
“You can bring your smoke bombs.”
“I’m in.” Trixie looked at the sad heap that was once Starlight’s bed. “Want to stay in the wagon tonight?”
The pile of wood formerly known as MALM crumbled further, releasing a cloud of wood dust.
“Probably a good idea.”
“Trixie.”
“Yes, Starlight?”
“Where is the store?”
“Uh… gone.”
“What do you mean GONE?!”
The day before, the lot before Starlight and Trixie held a massive furniture store. Today, it held a pile of rubble and one Princess Twilight Sparkle, flanked by a pair of police officers. Twilight left the officers and flew over.
“Girls, what are you doing here?”
Starlight pointed at Twilight. “Being very confused. What are you doing here?”
“Investigating. Apparently Flim and Flam set up a furniture store and sent catalogues to everyone in Ponyville, and then today it collapsed!”
“Uh–”
Twilight laughed. “Can you believe it? They called it FLIFLA. It doesn’t look like anyone in Ponyville fell for it this time, though.”
“Wait, Twilight. Who are Flim and Flam?”
Twilight’s laughter stopped. “The con artists who ran that Friendship University?”
Starlight and Trixie shook their heads.
“They tried to run Applejack’s farm out of business?”
The two shook their heads again.
“They sold that tonic?”
Starlight eyes flashed. “Oh! I vaguely remember reading something about that in the journal. That Flim and Flam?”
“Yeah, them.”
Starlight held her hoof to her forehead. “That would explain so much.”
“What happened?”
“Well, Trixie and I went shopping for furniture.”
“Here?”
“Yeah.”
“Did Trixie bring–”
“Smoke bombs? Yes.”
Trixie kicked the ground, looking away and whistling.
“I think I can more or less put together what happened. But I don’t think you’re going to be getting any refunds.” Twilight sighed. “Looks like I probably didn’t need to come all the way from Canterlot for this.”
Trixie looked back at Starlight. “So… I guess we need to go furniture shopping again?”
“Yep.”
“Take me with you?”
“No.”
Author's Note
Yes, those are all real pieces of IKEA furniture. Except for the hanger.
