My Life on a Cassette Tape

I fell back onto a couch while breathing heavily. The recorder had granted me infinite sexual stamina, but when it came to actual stamina I was still pretty low. That and I hadn't exactly felt in the best of shape since my fight with the Doctor. I wasn't mad though. I still got to watch the rest of the partygoers dancing to a jaunty tune. It was a good time - especially with the majority lacking clothes. This was good.

Raven plopped down beside me, throwing an arm around me as she looked off towards the same ponies. I couldn't help but smile, leaning my head against hers as we just enjoyed the moment. I was sure that, if she cared to, she'd have had a good source of nutrients right then, but even as I sat there just loving her she just sat there with me. We were happy, I could only hope that it would last.

"I love you, Raven." I said in what was likely the corniest way possible. She smiled, bringing me closer to her as we continued to watch the other ponies on the dance floor.

"I love you too, Cress." She murmured happily. I closed my eyes, letting out a breath, content to just drift off in her embrace. I loved my mares, I would do anything for them. I would climb mountains and cross deserts. If anything ever hurt them... Celestia best be on their side.

"Hey, uh, Crescendo?" A voice called out to me, bringing me back from my happy place. Opening my eyes I saw Dick Slut. I sat up slightly, not sure what to expect from this stallion. In some ways he was just me but with a slightly modified set of circumstances behind his existence. "Can I... can I have a word? In private?" I paused, trying to figure where this might be going.

"Sure..." I said finally. I gave Raven a kiss on the cheek before standing up. "I'll be back in short order." I said, not so sure if that was true myself. Raven nodded slowly, likely regarding Dick with as much suspicion as I had been. To be completely fair, I had little reason to distrust him all things considered - besides the fact that he was me. That felt like reason enough to me. I knew myself, and I honestly felt little trust for myself - as much as that said about me.

I followed him as he led me out of the room and into an area to the side. Leaning against a wall, I looked him over, trying to gauge his intentions. He seemed nervous - an odd start to be sure - and perhaps a tad remorseful. He fidgeted slightly, scratching the back of his head as he struggled with his words.

"I... I guess I should start with the beginning of all of... well, this." He took a deep breath as he steadied himself. "We've been talking - Sultry Rose, Stellar Afterglow, Puppershy, and I. We... to be honest, we're afraid that having you around is not good for Gunther." I slowly nodded, feeling a twinge of anger at not having been talked to about this, but the part of me that wanted to have and hold Raven for a long time yet implored me to keep my temper.

"I-I-I get it. You're mad." Dick stammered, raising his hands as if sensing my emotional knife's edge. "Look... I really do understand. When Twilight sent him into our room I was initially very much in favor of just perpetuating your treatment. Fuck the guy for damaging... well, maybe not me, but the pony I used to be." He looked down towards his feet.

"I still carry a lot of what you are, or at least the absence of those memories. I think you know what I mean." I stood there, finding myself nodding. The time from my capture to the division of Dick and myself were a patchwork of memory and absence. At times I was me and at others I wasn't. There were times that were pitch black voids of absent memories while others were a fuzzy static of partial recall - times where we were close enough to each other that there was bleed through.

"We... we might not be on the best terms, and I get that." He continued, looking back up to me, fighting back tears. "I can still remember being you in the early hours. I know who we are, or at least were. I still feel it all, and I can guess you do too." He took a moment, swallowing back his pain, taking a breath to steady himself.

"The others... some of them wanted to take out our pain on him. Stella and I mostly. I think we got a lot harsher treatment - or maybe it was just because we finished the process. It would've been easy to just order him to let us fuck him - to return the favor as harshly as possible." He clenched his fist, closing his eyes as he tried to control himself. Suddenly he turned and slammed his fists into the wall.

"I still want to, damn it! I want him to suffer... I still... I still hold a sliver of hate for the griffon he was." His breathing was ragged as he choked back sobs, trying to stay strong against his own feelings. I just stood there, letting him express as much as he would - it certainly was more than I was willing to show in front of most any other pony.

"T-then Sultry stopped us. Puppershy hugged him and... and forgave him. Sultry did too, leaving Stella and I as the only ponies in the room who wanted to continue to torture him. We almost did too." He cast a sidelong glance at me, a few tears breaking free. "But... but that was what was easy. It would've been so easy to just push it back on him.

"But Stella... Stella forgave him next. I was disgusted with them all, disgusted with Gunther, and - though I didn't quite realize it - disgusted with myself." He turned to face me fully, a look of determination on his face. "Cress, you might hate me - I can understand that - but you got to understand that I am YOU. Not a dark reflection, but a bundle of your issues and traumas that you've given legs and set loose on the world. What's worse... what's worse is that I inherited a lot more from you than you might want to realize. I inherited a lot of your morals, a lot of your beliefs, your feelings, your... OUR hate.

"I know how much you hate me, because I hate me just as much!" He hissed, his body tensing and releasing as he spoke. I recognized that, I did it too when I wanted to hit something but realizing that nothing around me should be hit - that what I really wanted to hit was a bit too metaphysical to punch. "And despite all of that, despite all of the hate and anger that I could so easily justify," he breathed heavily, closing his eyes once more as he tensed his whole frame, "I forgave him too. It would've been easy to do to take out our pain on him... but it wasn't the right thing to do. I realized that. I hope one day you'll do the same."

He stood there, and I watched as he relaxed his body as the confession came through. It wasn't as if I hadn't realized as much - or at least similar - before he said it; but having him explain it all, letting me in on all that was behind his change in views, it made it feel that much more real. I had figured he and the doppelgangers were just disposed to loving Gunther. Now it felt far more genuine to me, far realer. Something clicked in my mind, a piece I hadn't even realized hadn't been slotted in place.

These were ponies.

They weren't shells of trauma that just walked about and pretended at being ponies. They were ponies. That something that clicked, that piece that finally slotted into place, set something new before my eyes. I no longer saw Dick Slut, the emblem of all the pain that Gunther had inflicted. Instead I saw a pony, one with as much hurt and heart as myself - maybe even more.

"That... that all isn't exactly why I asked to talk, though. Cress... we... we want to leave. We're going to leave." He said simply, making his intentions known. Inflexible in what he thought right at the time, quite like another pony I knew. A pony who happened to be in this same room.

"Cress, in the morning we'll all be leaving to go out into the world - and away from you. We may see each other in the future, I'd never say that was out of the realm of possibilities, but for now... for right now we think it best for some space to be made."

The thought that Gunther was going to be taken and without me being consulted nearly reignited a flame of anger in me, but the dawning realization of what was at risk snuffed it out. I had slipped. No, I had fallen. My mistake with Gunther was one that was a bit too grievous. Not only had I taken away what mind he once had, but I then made him my slave and tortured him. I still felt a sliver of self-righteousness rising up to confront the misdeeds, but I had had enough of that. I had messed up, that was that.

Gunther needed to be punished, but Gunther was gone. A griffon who shared some of the memories and the body of that griffon remained like a specter, but he wasn't Gunther as I had encountered him. Even so, a portion of me still hated what revenant Gunther had left in his wake, but... I could only hope that this might be the direction I needed to go to escape myself and my own darker corners. To let go of this hate that burned inside of me.

I took a deep breath and released it as I tried my best to release a tad more of the pent up emotion I had bundled up inside. It would be a long road, but perhaps having an actual road between us might help both of us. I needed to move forward either way, and this was something of an easy first step. I wasn't exactly sure where the path would lead, but future me would have to deal with that.

"Alright." I said finally. "Not that you need it, but you have what blessing I can give for this action. I'm not going to stop you or hunt you down. I wish you five the best, I really do. In time... I hope I can forgive Gunther as much as you have." Dick smiled at me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks. It means a lot that you've accepted our decision." He said, a chuckle escaping him as he gave a short pause to consider something. "You might not want to believe it, but despite it all, you're a good stallion at the core. You care deeply, maybe a tad too deeply at times, but in the end... well, we all have ways in which we need to grow." I gave a small smile at that.

"Thanks, Dick." I said with a chuckle, catching him slightly off guard before he gave a chuckle of his own.

"I forgot to tell you!" He said through his chuckling. I raised an eyebrow, wondering just how many more times he'd have to tell me something he had forgotten to that point. "I decided to get rid of Dick Slutbutt as a name. I decided after we all got rescued from the castle. Maybe the trauma knocked a bit more sense into my senseless skull." He puffed out his chest. "You're looking at the newly minted 'Testing Testing'."

I couldn't help it. As soon as he pronounced his new name I burst out laughing. Memories of my own attempts at pseudonyms coming back to me with a boatload of comedic effect. Testing joined in as well, both of us just happy to not feel any other emotion at the moment. We stayed like that for a while, and as we did, I couldn't help but notice a major difference between me and Testing. His cutiemark, a part I never payed attention to, was a silhouette of a pony talking into a megaphone. It felt fitting for the pony who let himself be known.

Composing ourselves, we gave a nod to one another before we finally reentered the room. It felt good, a weight having been removed. As Di- Testing walked off towards Puppershy, I walked over to the recorder. I picked it up, looking down at it, I considered what I should say. Taking up the ear piece, I clicked the button and spoke softly.

"Gunther was now his own slave, taking all the powers Cress once had over him as powers he possessed over himself." I couldn't contradict the recording, Gunther was a slave and that was that. There was no way to make him fully free, to stop what I had started with that earlier recording. I couldn't contradict the recording, but I could qualify it. "Gunther realized these changes had taken place." I clicked off the button, smiling at the recorder. I closed my eyes, listening to the music that filled the room, letting its cheeriness fill me. I needed to feel something besides anger and lust sometimes.

"You doing alright?" Raven asked, placing a hand on my back. I turned to her, taking the earpiece out. Placing a hand on her cheek, I gave her a smile that likely betrayed the inner turmoil that was my emotional situation.

"Yeah... a lot better than I have been, I think." I said, my eyes dancing over Raven's face. Luna might have had a body like a god, but Raven was the mare I loved. I didn't care if I had to give up princess sex forever - in fact I kind of was planning making this party my last indulgence - I had Raven.

Raven smiled back to me, placing a hand of her own over mine. Over her shoulder I saw Gunther staring at me, jaw agape - likely having finally felt the result of my recording. I turned my attention back to Raven, leaning forward to kiss her on the mouth, not needing his recognition of my actions.

This was good. This was right. Though maybe I could make it better. Dubs and Thyme were scheduled for a month out. Maybe I'd ask them a question.