Shadows of the Night

The last dregs of the midday sun had long since given away into the cooling afternoon, and  reminded me too much of the cooling form of Spinel weighing down upon my arms as she lay curled within.

Once outside the portcullis of the decrepit castle the ambient light of the sun began to claw at me. The strength of my power faded as the pure light assaulted my uncovered head, the increased vision, smelling, and hearing puffing away like ash from a fire. A vast portion of, what I hadn’t realized to be, my enhanced physical strength began to fade as well, and it finally dawned upon me that the giant shield that I’d carried upon my back, with so little care, for so long, was nothing but a burden. I shrugged it off, taking care that I did not drop or disturb Spinel, and as the shield slid off my right arm a sudden urge to fling it over the near side of the ravine came over me, and was immediately adhered to. It clattered down, disturbing the rocks and dirt, bringing me petty comfort.

As I crossed over the rickety bridge, nearly falling twice, and a biting thought saw fit to remark on my supreme clumsiness as well as the sheer stupidity of having thrown away something so useful, and, even better, I could have at least sold it. It didn’t stay long, I was more concerned with the bundle within my hands taking precedence over thoughts beating upon my head, my jaw clenched.

Once across the bridge, I made my way through the thick forest. Upon passing under the shade of any shadowed branch a surge of strength flooded through me, as well as the annoyance of increased hearing, and smelling. The flickering of my senses heightening and lowering was, too, ignored, a deep set frown marking my face.

A tickling in the back of my mind tried to make itself known. This was simply shut off, thankfully, and returned to stillness.

I wasn’t sure, exactly, where I was going, but I’d know when I’d see it. I passed tree after tree, twisted smiles were etched on their bark. I had to suppress the urge to mutilate them for staring at me. The way they creaked in the wind reminiscent of twisted laughter didn’t help, but I couldn’t risk my emotions getting the best of me, I couldn’t hurt Spinel’s last moments with me any further.

It was a while before I realized how long I was walking through the Everfree Forest. Finally, I found a spot in a small clearing. A great maple had initially caught my eye, the afternoon sun making the leaves look golden, and beside it was something of actual beauty, a white barked pine. Small flashes of thought tried to spring forth at the impossibility of such an occurrence, but were brushed aside. I walked up to the pine stopping about three feet away, then, gently, I put down the body of Spinel, all the while afraid it might break like glass as it lay upon the soft mulch of the forest floor.

I turned to face the pine, my eyes aching from both the sun and my emotions bubbling behind them, kneeled down, took off the gloves that had become a second skin to me, and began to scoop away at the soft earth with my hands. Grit and dirt began to pile under my fingernails, and my hands began to get sticky from, what felt like, clay deposits, but I kept on going as the dirt continued to easily give way. Once I had made a hole, it turned out to be about one foot deep, more than enough to embrace the form of the body beside me. Grasping her gently, I knew for the last time, I placed the body of Spinel into the small grave, and then pushed the surrounding mound of dirt back into the hole. I patted it down, and then groped around for loose detritus to cover the newly filled hole and, hopefully, mask the scent from any wandering scavenger.

I rubbed my hands together to get some of the excess dirt off, but all I ended up getting was a fine film of mud spread across them in streaks. A small patch of dry dirt darkened as I again looked at my hands. I hate crying, it makes me feel unbearably weak and selfish. If anyone else had seen me now I would have looked a sight, some mottle-grey skinned creature in a black cloak looming over a small pile of dirt with shadows leaking out of every pore. Anyone else wouldn’t have even been able to see the dirt through the shadows, but I could. I could see every filthy, disgusting stain. I patted my hands clean against my cloak, and then began to return my hands back to the comforting dark of the gloves, and stopped. I didn’t want comfort, but I certainly wasn’t going to throw anything away again, so I stuffed them away with a jerk.

It weighed on me. It wasn’t that I’d killed an animal... no, those idiots had. They just had to fucking lie and scheme. I’d found something unique, just like me. An oddity of nature, a funny little quirk, but those two devils spawns had been fucking born. They were the ones that had lied to me. ME! I could feel my chest clenching. Who wouldn’t have flipped the fuck out like that, those filthy fucking bastards.

I looked through the darkening bough. The night was beginning to come on as the sun began to dip further towards the horizon, cooling the forest. Not that it got very hot under the near canopy from the mass of deciduous trees, but I couldn’t help but notice the growing of the darkness around me, increasing my senses.

Thoughts that I’d made a poor choice to even agree to come here in the first place kept trying to stab at me. But it just didn’t sit well with me, I was only promised a better chance, not guaranteed. Looking back what exactly had I done that was worthy of companionship, lying to an entire castle for months, and then to the ponies that showed me kindness on top of that, and then freaking out and nearly costing two pegasi their lives because I couldn’t contain myself, and then killing a creature because I let those same, selfish, emotions fly.

It struck me then, this was literally the first time I had completely lost it. Now that I’d had a little time to just, let everything sink in, this wasn’t the most angry I’d ever been, I’d felt way worse in the hellholes of middle and high school, the only difference between my anger as I grew was my direction from just feeling bad to thinking how much better the world would be if I’m kill them in my head. I couldn’t ever murder someone in real life. And that’s what bothered me so much I realized, that in that moment I could have murdered a real and innocent person if they'd been there. I looked down at myself, trying, in vain, to see the darkness that had been infused into me lay. Was there really something evil with the dark?

I’d just stood there as the hours waned into twilight and the gloom of night, a great heap of nothingness and hatred running continuously through my head trying to strangle my thoughts. One part was trying to mollify me, saying that it, in all likelihood wasn’t really my fault, magic literally didn’t exist back home, so now that I’d had some literally infused into my core being, my soul, then sent here, it only made sense that I’d be more emotional. Heck I could still remember that time Twilight had set herself ablaze because she couldn’t explain Pinkie Pie. Then there was the other half that said that I was only deluding myself, trying to mitigate the fact I’d chosen to act that way, and that even if the other half was right, that I couldn’t quite control it then I was doubly to blame because I had specifically chosen this form and power back on Earth.

A stirring in the back of my mind gave me pause to look up from where I stood by the pine tree. A half-moon, rather than the normal full, was resting upon the sky. I had a sudden urge to start walking, not shadow striding, running, or dark travel, just walking. Everything… hurt, but it was better than giving in to all my weak, selfish, unstable emotions.

I didn’t get more than a few miles when the whole of my exhausted emotions finally caught up to me. My thoughts, of two minds, just kept on trying to split me in two. I couldn’t keep up with it, I’d spent too long letting them go in circles already, and I needed a break. I needed to go to a place where I wouldn’t have to bother with my pesky emotions. So rather than falling into a trance, where my mind would still be too receptive to such feelings, and much to Caligo’s distress once he found out, I went to find a place to sleep, figuring that I could escape into my normal dreamless state.

Finding the right spot didn’t take long, being in a forest. I found my way up a particularly large tree, with no branches near the bottom, nor any around from an adjoining tree, shadow striding my way up into the darkened boughs. One nice thing about magical forests is that you get really big trees. The chosen tree almost looked like a giant pine, but the leaves seemed a bit off, they were too wide, but they still had that nice piney scent. So lying down upon a branch, having simply used dark travel to move up, roughly three times as wide as I was, I made myself as comfortable as I could upon the hard wood and the chilled night air, and attempted to sleep.

Blackness, cool, calming, all consuming blackness. I was completely free from my emotions, from thought, from action. Had I any thought right now I would have been pleased, had I any intelligence I should have been scared. I didn’t have time to contemplate my own, passed out existence, or lack thereof, as I found myself sitting in a very warm and comfortably midnight-black padded armchair.

I looked about me, the floor was a simple white disc that radiated light, and outside of it was a blackness I found unsettling, as I found myself unable to see anything through it, or worse, that I could and there was truly nothing out there. But the disc was a large thing, which, in fact held a small, white-wooden, tea table, bereft of varnish, which had on it a warm grey kettle and some tea-bags upon it. But, what really caught my attention was the lady sitting across from me in an equally comfortable looking chair, both bespoke of a simple elegance that needed nothing extra to show its beauty.

She wore a simple, white dress, which v-necked to accentuate the simple necklace, the only jewelry she seemed to be wearing, of a white-silver chain from which an image of two eyes surrounded by stars dangled from.

I just sat there, still not quite realizing the significance that I could feel bafflement, let alone comprehend anything in what I’d expected to be a dreamless sleep. She gave me a small smile, it was so… comforting, it made muscles in my back that I didn’t even know I had relax.

With a small sweep of her hand, she silently asked if I should like some tea. I nodded, and she bent down, grabbing the kettle, and began to pour hot water over the bags, filling the air with an intoxicating aroma. I was glad for the silence, even now I still didn’t feel like talking, even my own mind had quieted, letting me enjoy the silence further. Once she handed me the cup, made of what I could only assume was fine bone-white china, I blew upon the hot liquid and took a sip. It was Earl Grey, my favorite, with plenty of sugar in it.  A small sigh passed my lips as the warmth of the beverage began to suffuse throughout my body. It was then the lady in black finally decided to talk.

      “You’ve had a rough time as of late, but you really should be more careful how you react. Emotions are more closely related to power here than most other places in the universe.” Her words sent shivers of relaxation down my spine as she took a sip. I nodded, unable to say anything that would be of appropriate consequence to someone of her stature.

‘Here it comes, the berating,’ I thought. The silence had been broken, and things were going to start turning in on me. All I could do was sit and let the berating commence. What else was I going to do when I was sitting next to something with literal god-like powers sitting next to me?

Selûne, of course it was her, the Lunar Goddess of the Forgotten Realms, put her cup of tea onto its saucer. She then summarily stood, briskly, but still managing a serene flow of movement no ballet dancer could ever hope to match, walked over around the table, grabbed my arm, and pulled me into an embrace.

I just stood there, thunderstruck. A chill went down my spine, as revulsion in me welled up. Why was she demeaning herself like this? Why was she acting like I was… worth her time? A lifetime of living through schools and the interactions of things that I was supposed to call peers having done nothing but teach me that I wasn’t something to give care over, but was expected to show it to others, and only worthy of direct attention upon making a mistake or to complete my own wheel turn of whatever cog I was jammed into. A creature that, all my life, had been not only taught, but proven to be a thing of disgust, and only fit to try and make someone else’s life a little better and she showed me compassion.

It… hurt.

Tears began to come down in my confusion, obscuring my vision until I shut my eyes completely. It was then that I was able to finally notice the warm heat from her body flowing into and surrounding me.

“You are worthy of happiness in your life,” she said, resting her cheek upon the top of my head, “and while you can learn control, you also need to learn that it is fine to let your emotions run their course.”

We both just stood there, I’m not sure for how long, letting her words sink in, and letting myself just be. Echoes of every single failure I’d ever cataloged, nearly my entire life came up as well, finally given the chance to escape. But she just kept on standing there, letting me lean on her, and even put my arms around her as well, trying to hold on to something. And she just let me do it, let me be pathetic and sad, and happy that someone was finally there, even if it was just in some sort of dream-state. It felt… good, cathartic I think was the word.

Eventually the tears stopped, but I continued to hold on, not wanting to let go and try to keep the feeling of being appreciably empty of all the black, poisonous, thoughts and feelings that I’d let myself grow accustomed to, to the point where I thought it was normal to feel that way. Still she stood there, letting me be. But eventually, I knew I’d have to let go, and it felt good to try and do so on as much of a high note I could muster as I dropped my arms and sat back into the plush chair. Looking up I saw Selûne was already in hers as well.

Selûne just smiled, it was warm and comforting, like much of everything else she had done, but there seemed to be a small bit of sadness had leaked out as she said, “There really is more good in you than even what you try to deny.” The words felt like they held a ring of truth about them, and, despite myself, I let the whispers of a smile reach my face. Though I still wasn’t about to really forgive myself for what I’d done to Spinel.

Something cold slid across my arm. I looked down and saw my entire forearm was covered in a strange white substance, and the edges of my fingers sported long, wickedly tipped, claws. I looked back up to Selûne, who still maintained her calm exterior, and said “Oh dear, I was hoping to talk with you a little more, though I suppose this will have to do for now. What do you know of artificers?”

“N---Not much.” I replied, my response taking on a bit of lag, like my mouth and brain weren’t quite connected properly. The word reminded me of Magic the Gathering to be honest. The white ooze had completely covered my arm, and was now oozing across my shoulder blade.

“Well, all I can let you know right now is that Lunar Sovereign of this realm is a particularly skilled one, even in the midst of insanity, and that it is equally easy for one of her caliber to program the semblance of life into one, as well as the memories it might also hold.”

My world went dark again as the ooze covered my eyes, and mouth, preventing me from screaming, or even drawing breath.

“Guuuh?!” I said as I awoke with a jolt and catching myself in turn so not to fall off the side of the wide branch I had rolled over to in my sleep, gasping for air.

‘It is about time you woke up Rumor. Are you alright?’ the familiar echoes of Caligo’s voice calmly quried within my head.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I said yawning afterwards.

'You began to sweat out, what I can only conclude to be corrosive darkness during the night. Had you not been under a source of light, like the moon you were under, you would have had it burn through the branch. I was unable to reach you, something blocked me, but luckily none of the cloudbanks crossed over during that time. However, the day has been on for some time. We should be getting on.’

I gave my hair a scratch and rubbed my chin, the words of Selûne still dancing in my head, but what did a hobby of Princess Luna have to do with anything?

I swiftly made my way down the tree, by dint of the shadow stride, and started walking in the direction Caligo pointed down again as I pulled the shadows around me, and was lost from sight and smell to the rest of the world.

Going only a few feet my stomach started to rumble, but a swift mental tug brought my attention to a small patch of wild strawberries. I wasn’t sure who had done it but I still said, umm, thought, ‘thanks’.

‘…’

Oh. Somnium, she probably wasn’t going to be talking to me for a while, not that I blame her, I didn’t feel like talking to me. I’m not even sure why Selûne had tried to cheer me, or why she really thought I was worth her time, but I couldn’t deny that she had made me feel a little better, even if I wasn’t about to act like I was.

A squirrel jumped out next to me from a nearby tree, and decidedly began to gaze at me. Something about it just really set me off, the way its eyes were so much bigger than back home, making it look cuter, despite what I tried to think otherwise. A sudden urge to fill it with fright struck me, hard. Like it would bring me happiness to see it suffer. Grabbing my head in one hand the decision was quickly taken from me as it scampered back into the undergrowth of the Everfree.

“You’re a fucking idiot Rumor.” I said flatly, my head feeling like it were floating away from me. I’d had thoughts like that before, but only when I thought about things like criminals or just villains from stuff like books or other media. Never for something like that, hopefully it was just a dreg of some of the stuff I’d let go last night. Thinking back I could actually think past some of the pain and remember being hugged. It made me feel better.

I started walking through the forest again, I wasn’t sure where I was going, and I didn’t care, and thankfully the voices in my head were giving me plenty of space too. I wasn’t walking long, but I found myself back by the white pine where I’d buried Spinel.  Near the spot I’d dug for her some sort of flower had actually grown near the spot where I’d buried her. It didn’t have a stalk, but the blossom was a pitch black, spreading out into five tear shaped petals, but near the center they became a brilliant pink. I’m not sure why, I might never, but something about the flower made me smile, well, half-smile.

All the anguish I’d put myself through almost seemed like a joke, though I had to make an effort not to over think that innocuous thought. Instead, I thought about why I’d picked Spinel to begin with. Before Crash and Burn had come down, I’d had a few moments to myself. I remember taking a look down into the box, two of the little chicks were peeping in moderate distress, they had just woken up, but it was Spinel who had remained quiet, and when I looked into the box, my head obscuring any of the light from the moon above, I continued to look up, almost at me, but with the streams of darkness I exuded from my face that would have been impossible. On a whim I’d stuck my hand in there, pushing a forefinger in front of Spinel’s breast. Without hesitation she had gotten up and grasped onto my digit, letting me lift her out. She had embraced the unknown, the unseeable future, an adventure. The flapping of wings soon followed and I put her into my breast pocket, where she snuggled in silently. If a small bird could do something like that, so could I. With that I turned from the grave and began to walk away, but I only got a few steps away before I stopped.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly exhaled it out, the cool winds began to blow a different direction and I knew this was the only way I could properly move forward  clearing my thoughts, I whispered to her under my breath, “I’m sorry I wasn’t… good enough, but I will be, I promise.”

With that I popped my hood back on my head, I could feel my powers rush back and a heavy burden on my chest lightening. I continued to walk away from that small flower in the middle of the Everfree, with it lies, an irrevocable mistake, but my determination for forgiveness.

‘I made a promise. I will keep it.’