She Sang As If She Knew Me In All My Dark Despair
Author's Note
Strumming my pain with her forehooves,
Singing my life with her words,
Killing me softly with her song,
Killing me softly with her song,
Telling my whole life with her words,
Killing me softly with her song
She Sang As If She Knew Me In All My Dark Despair
The thirteenth pebble I launch towards the Castle of Friendship is the first to actually connect with its intended target. Now, I know what you're thinking: It takes considerably poor aim to throw a pebble at a large second story window and miss a dozen times. But Trixie (the fantastic, stupendous, and all-around amazing mare relating this Great and Powerful tale (that 100% happened and is not at all embellished with superfluous circumlocutory verbiage!)) has two important facts she wishes to trot out in her defense:
- One: That the accuracy of her telekinesis suffers considerably when subjected to the effects of inebriation, and
- Two: That I've had a few drinks. I'm going to need them tonight.
Killing Me Softly
A story of Friendship, Magic, and—just perhaps—even Love, by
Super Trampoline
The Great and Powerful Trixie
Flung from the launchpad by a pale magenta aurora of telekinetic magic, the small, rocky missile traces a high parabolic arc through the humid late-April air. Heavy fog obscures visibility beyond a few hundred feet, but fortunately this mission will be charting a low-Equis flight path following a simple ballistic trajectory. It soars to the apex of its journey, leveling out as gravity imposes its presence upon the unmared spacecraft. It begins its descent, first gently, then more and more steeply until—
*plink!*
Payload successfully delivered, Mission Control impatiently awaits a status report from the surface of the strange crystal monolith.
And waits...
And waits...
And waits some more...
.
..
...
No Starlight appears.
I find a slightly larger rock, though still not large enough to break the glass. Maybe chip it. Hopefully not. I heave my projectile—surprisingly accurately—and it whacks the pane with a loud CLANK, the reverberations thankfully muted by the conveniently-scheduled fog. I wait an interminable hour (or so it feels) with only the crickets for company, before at last the bedroom window slides open and a grumpy looking Starlight head pops out. She looks down and, spotting me, seems to sigh.
"Really, Trixie? I thought a bat hit my window or something. It's..."—she levitates her clock over—"Cheese and crackers, it's 3 a.m.! What do you want? Why the fuck are you even up?! It's a school night! Go back to bed!"
"I want to talk," I shout up.
"Ugh, really? That can't wait 'til morning?"
"It is morning," I reply.
"Real morning, Trixie! Real morning!"
"Pleeeeease?" I entreat. "This is important. Can you come down and talk with me for a little bit? Fifteen minutes."
"...Okay, fine. Give me a couple minutes and I'll be down. Ugh, I swear!" She shuts the window, grumbling.
The first part of my plan has succeeded. I pace anxiously around the base of the castle, waiting for her to step out the front door. Eventually she does, holding a cup of coffee in her telekinesis. Or, knowing her, probably "empathy cocoa".
"Okay, I'm here. This better be important or I'm going to be pissed."
"It is," I assure her, awkwardly hugging her warm fuzzy body. "Can we talk in my wagon?"
"The wagon we barely both fit in?"
"I cleaned it out," I counter. "Really."
She looks dubious, but after deliberating for a second, she answers with a slightly defeated, "Yeah, sure."
"Great!" I say, perhaps a pinch too enthusiastically. "Follow me! I promise you'll be impressed with my Great and Powerful organizational skills, which definitely were not augmented by any illegal stimulants!" I canter over giddily (if a bit wobbly) and open the door, waiting for her to follow. When she trots through, her eyes go wide for a moment.
"Wow, your wagon is, uh, surprisingly spacious and uncramped for once! I'm impressed; you finally got rid of all the crap you've been hoarding for harmony knows how long!"
I beam, genuinely proud. "Well, Ponyville Self-Storage was having a Spring-Wrap-Up sale, and I figured, since my next tour isn't for a couple months, hey, might as well clear a bit of room out!" I unfold a second canvas chair for her and clumsily take a seat in my own. "Thank you for coming over; it means a lot to me."
She eyes my lack of coordination suspiciously. "Trixie, I think you've been drinking. A lot!"
It appears I've been found out. "What gave it away?" I ask sheepishly.
"Well, I knew something was up, because right now you're speaking exclusively in first person. And also, there's, uh—" she scans the room— "three empty wine bottles on the floor. Geez, you did drink a lot!"
I release air I didn't realize my lungs were holding, and take a fresh breath. "I want to talk to you. I, uh, I want to talk to you about some important things, and the only time I'm completely grounded and vulnerable is when I'm very, very—" I pause to belch "—drunk."
"Oh. I see." Her demeanor softens.
"Sorry. I, well... shit, I hope I'm not weirding you out now or anything. You know I normally wrap myself with a nearly impervious shell of ego. But, um, I really don't want to do that for this conversation. I want to be..."—another deep breath— "completely honest and open with you. And, uh... I guess that's normally pretty hard for me to do."
Starlight chuckles. "Yeah, the last time you had this much wine you confessed you at one point owned three Twilight Sparkle body pillows, two of them lewd. How are you not slurring your words or anything?"
My cheeks suddenly are quite rosy. "Starlight Glimmer, I told you that in complete confidence, and I regret doing so, and if you ever tell ANY pony or creature about that, I will make extremely sure they never find the body! Am I clear?!"
She nervously scoots her chair away. "Yes. Very. I Pinkie Promise I will never tell a soul."
I grimace and grumble. "You better not. But! To answer your question, The Experienced and Wizened Trixie has built up a pretty high alcohol tolerance after almost a decade of touring Equestria. You'd be surprised just how often a sexy magician like me gets invited to wild parties.
Starlight smiles and rolls her eyes. "I don't doubt it. So what's up?"
Here comes part two. I take yet another deep breath and steel myself. And then I let it out and take one more. And a third.
"Hey," she says, pulling her chair back next to mine and extending a comforting foreleg to my shoulder, "whatever you want to talk with me about, it's obviously pretty important to you. I'm here and listening." She tries to make a sympathetic face but it's immediately interrupted by a poorly-suppressed yawn. She counters it with another swig of cocoa. "Mind you, it's 3:20 in the morning, but I'm listening."
I smile. "Thanks, Starlight. A lot."
"Of course. Anything for my bestie. Now, what's up? Come on, out with it."
I close my eyes and center myself. I can do this. I'm a grown mare who can talk about her feelings in a calm, rational ma—
"I'm scared," I blurt out.
Starlight raises her eyebrows. "Scared?"
"Yeah," I say, a bit steadier now that the emotional cat is out of the bag. "Scared. I'm scared that I'm going to lose you. You're so much better than me and I don't deserve you."
Her ears pin back. "You don't deserve me? Trixie, you're my best friend! What do you mean?"
I sigh. "I mean, you're so much better than me. You're, you know, you're one of the most powerful ponies in Equestria, both magically and politically. Like... in a way, I guess you're basically my Twilight Sparkle 2.0. I'm in awe of how amazing you are. I'm even jealous. And we both know that's not something I admit easily. You're so incredible in every way and I'm just a nopony street magician and I don't hold a candle to you, a-a-and I'm so scared one day you're going to leave me behind like you, you should! Because I'm a nobody, and you're so..." I trail off with a downward glance, shamefully avoiding her gentle lilac eyes. "...You're so much more. Than I'll ever be. I'm... I'm scared. Because I know I don't deserve you, and, and I'm just waiting for the day you realize it too."
The world is dark and empty, until I notice I'm scrunching my own eyes closed, and cautiously open one. Starlight is still sitting there next to me, worry wrinkling her features.
"That's how you feel?" she asks softly.
"Yeah, all the time. I'm scared. I'm always scared. I just usually bury it. But that's exhausting. I'm tired, Starlight. I hate always feeling worn down. I hate feeling inadequate. I hate... horse-feathers. You know what it really is? Most of all? I hate always, incessantly, just silently hurting. It's like... well, it's like trying to drag a wagon down the road, and all the wheels are broken, just constantly weighing you down. I hate it. I fucking hate this feeling. And... and you're my friend, and, I guess, you know... I guess you're supposed to talk about this stuff with your friends. It's hard. But I need to do it. So, I am. I am talking to you about my problems."
Starlight says nothing, and the damp, cloudy night is quiet as well. A pleasantly cool breeze, and the familiar chirping of crickets are faintly floating through the pair of open windows. Our voices remain absent, my heavy breaths fill the room, and the mare by my side waits wordlessly, patiently, to see if I'll continue.
Instead, I reach for a bottle, to steady my nerves (and reward myself for being vulnerable), but it's empty save for a few paltry drops. She watches, concern etched upon her face as I settle for levitating a glass of water from my nightstand. I sit up with a few pops from my back before sipping its analgesic contents. I relish the sensation, the elixir soothing my seemingly parched throat.
Seeing my tempest temporarily tempered, she slowly inhales, and just as slowly lets the air escape between her lips. She flashes me a wan grin before breaking eye contact, looking at nothing in particular as she figures out where to begin.
"Goodness. I, uh... I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this. I had no idea. Well, I mean, I've known you're depressed. That's certainly not new. But I had no idea you were so worried about losing me. That's gotta wear you down. Well, actually, I know it does. Because I've been there, Trixie. I know what it's like. I... I know how it feels to lose a friend you thought was close. It's literally one of the worst things I've ever felt. I felt like an avalanche had hit me, had left me numb and empty and buried under a million tons of ennui. I don't want that for you. I'm not sure I would even want that for my enemies! Trixie Lulamoon, I am not abandoning you. I will never, ever make you feel that horrible feeling. Never."
She returns her gaze to me, a comforting look I could swim in and drink from for days. The little reassuring smile and nod implore me to continue, and buoyed by her strength, I respond.
"I, I know you say that, and I know you mean it. It's just..."
She sits, steady, still, calm, as I gather my thoughts. Eventually I do. "I know you don't think you're going to leave me, but it wouldn't be the first time. You've said you know what that's like. So, you know, you know how awful it feels, waiting for the next thing, the next stab in the back the moment you finally start to relax. You know that dread. It fucks you up! It fucks you up, and doesn't stop. It... it never goes away!
"And, a-a-and, you know, you know the flames I've been through. I've been let down and hurt, just let down completely and stomped on, so many times, so fucking many times! And now, and now you're in my life and you're my friend, and it's amazing and wonderful. And..." I pause to clear my suddenly snuffy nose. "And... and you're giving me hope. You're giving me hope, and that's terrifying! Because I'm daring, just finally starting to dare again—to be the happiest I've been in years, but I'm scared!
"I'm fucking scared, Starlight! I don't know if I can ever not be. It's just this... this feeling of dread and anxiety that's always lingering in the back of my mind and it's exhausting and I'm sick of it. I'm so damn sick of it! Of it all! I just want to be happy! That's all I fucking want! Is that too much to ask for? I know I'm an awful pony who's done awful things; I'm not asking for forgiveness or anything. I'm not asking to be rich and famous or achieve my dreams or whatever, I just want this saddle off my back! I just want you to tell me I don't have to be scared all the time! I want you to tell me it's okay. Tell me it's okay! Please! Just once, just once can everything actually be okay?"
I finally stop to catch my breath, and realize I'm no longer sitting; I'm standing in the middle of my wagon, almost hyperventilating. I realize I've been shouting, yelling, gesticulating, my heartbeats heavy and the contrasting silence—save for my ragged breaths—even heavier now.
I look to Starlight with desperate eyes. "Please. Don't leave me."
"Wow," is all she can say.
My ears pin back and—
"No no no no," she quickly adds to stem my deflation. "Not like a bad 'wow'. Well, I mean, yeah it's bad you feel like this. But I'm not, uh, I'm not like exasperated with you or anything. That's just... Just, well, you're going through a lot."
"Yeah," I say, again looking away from the far more amazing and successful mare I'm standing in front of. I forlornly plop back into my chair and take a big gulp of water.
"But! But it's okay. You're okay. we're okay. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not"—she gently lifts my chin with a hoof, making sure my eyes meet hers.
"I'm not leaving you. Ever."
"Really?"
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my— Ow! Why do I always do that?!"
I can't help but smile at her rendition of the "Pinkie Promise". "Thanks, Starlight. You're the best."
"Hey, you're awesome too!"
"You really think so?" I ask, genuinely hopeful.
"Abso-pony-lutely. They don't call you 'Great and Powerful' just for kicks! For starters, you're not an awful pony. And you do deserve forgiveness."
I shake my head as the moment of levity passes. "Yes I am. I've done so many horrible things. I know maybe you, and Twilight, and everyone else I've ever wronged, maybe they've forgiven me. But I still haven't forgiven myself. I don't know if I ever will. Regardless of what you say, I certainly don't feel like I deserve it."
"Horse apples!" Starlight replies emphatically. "We all deserve forgiveness. We all deserve a second chance. Sometimes even a third. I mean, fuck, it took Twilight like seven or eight tries to get it through my thick skull that I wasn't doomed to be eternally awful if I didn't want to be. That's part of what makes Equestria so awesome! We have grace. Our culture believes in forgiveness, and a willingness to trust and believe ponies and other creatures when they tell us they legitimately want to do better. Sometimes it backfires, but you know what? Usually those people really do do better. Look at you. Look at me, for goodness sake!"
"You really think I can be a good pony? Even after all I've done?" I ask, definitely not tearing up or anything.
"I think you already are. All the really horrible things? That—"
~~Shitposting~~ Comedic instincts compel me to interject: "Oh, just the really horrible things? Regular horrible things get a pass?"
She playfully whacks my shoulder. "Fucking smartass. Shut the fuck up and let me encourage you."
I can't help but laugh, even as tears threaten my face. "Look out, Iron Will, hot new motivational speaker in town!"
She grabs a half eaten pinecone from my kitchenette. "I will throw this at you," she threatens as it bobs up and down in her magic.
Jokes on her. I'm into violence. "Don't threaten Trixie with a good time!" I counter.
"Gods, I can't win with you," she says, laughing. (It's one of my favorite sounds.) "You really think I would ever throw away our amazing banter?! But seriously: Do you want my encouragement, or are you more interested in workshoping our comedy routine?"
"Our audition for Chicoltgo Second City Comedy Club?!"
"I was thinking more the Onchariot* outfit. I hear the Crystal Empire is quite nice come late spring."
*This is quite possibly the worst horse pun I have ever come up with. My sincere apologies.
I stare at her amazing face as we smile at each other. She makes me so happy. It takes several tries to say it without cracking up, but eventually I manage to squeak out a haughty, thoroughly atrocious Elizabeakan Era bastardization: "Please fair Starlight, praysooth I tarry with yonder divine dalinace no more! Allowth mine protestations to tardy not thine profound wisdom!"
"Too late you goof. I've completely forgotten what I was saying. Also please never attempt Old Equish ever again. That made me want to an hero myself."
"Oh good, I'm glad my misery has company now. But as tempting as it may be to bless you also with my Rhyming and Powerful Horse Cockney accent, I believe I interrupted your waxing poetic about how awful and horrible The Awful and Horrible Trixie is."
Starlight punches me again. "I swear I'm never giving you a pep talk again. No, I was telling you how awful you used to be.
"Oi! Recon Trixie used to be a real Hiccup, just a mad wanker, didn't ayh, me lady?!"
A pinecone whacks my neck with surprising force.
"Ow, fuck! That hurt!" I yell, reaching up to rub a hoof near the crest of my mane. Starlight stares me down, having somehow immediately procured a second pinecone to levitate menacingly. "Okay, Trixie reluctantly concedes she deserved that."
"Oh, absolutely you did! Stars above, Trixie, I swear your only two moods are depressed sack of shit, and smartass sack of shit!"
She's right, but before I can respond with yet more bratty behavior, I find the firm grip of her aquamarine magic no longer holding tomorrow's breakfast, but instead affixing my face directly in front of hers. Trixie confesses she might have let out a small gasp.
"Trixie Jaxon Lulamoon, I am trying to resuscitate the dead horse that is your self-confidence right now. That is difficult to do with you incessantly interrupting me and—to quote the Skits myself— 'taking the piss', so to speak. So, if you don't want me to actually leave, you will be quiet. I am talking. You are listening. Are we clear, fuckface?"
I nod my head up and down with wide eyes and ~~perhaps a bit of arousal~~ another timid squeak. Gods, she's so hot when she's stern.
Her eyes bore into me a moment more, then...
"Good!" she says suddenly, instantly chipper as if the last thirty seconds never happened. "I'm glad we're clear!"
I think I'm in love with a sociopath. Celestia help me.
"Now," she continues, seemingly oblivious to my ~~slightly horny~~ befuddlement, "AS I WAS SAYING, all that was past Trixie. I mean, yes, to be fair, from what I've heard, past Trixie was pretty awful. But that's not you anymore, and you don't have to cling to your old demons like a martyr. You're not that pony you once were. You've grown and you've changed.
"You know what Sunset Shimmer said the last time I visited her and we were talking about this shit? She said her biggest breakthrough was when she stopped feeling like she needed to be good to atone for her sins and instead strove to be good because she wanted to be a good pony. Err, person. Ponyson? Whatever. The point is, she even made a little motto for herself: 'My past is not today'. And I think everyone needs to hear that. Myself included, and certainly you."
I realize I'm still reflexively smiling in spite of having just been stung by a flying pinecone, and clear my throat as I reset my visage, remembering what we were actually talking about. Remembering our actual serious conversation.
"Thanks. And maybe I have changed. Well, actually, I know I have. But not as much as you. I'm still an awful pony. I'm a narcissist and an asshole on my good days and a monster on my bad ones. I drive you fucking crazy."
"And you know what? I choose to deal with that."
"Yeah, but I'm scared that one day you won't."
Starlight rests a hoof on my shoulders, her eyes locking with mine. "Trixie Lulamoon, you were the very first friend I ever made as an adult. Well, I mean, I made friends in Our Town. But that was really more just to manipulate them because I was desperate for power and control after feeling so helpless as a child which is probably something I should explore more myself, but that's another therapy discussion for another day. So, um, anyway, yes, you are a lot to put up with, and sometimes you piss me off, uh, considerably. But, you know, I'm not always that easy to be around either, yet you never turn down an opportunity to hang out. And I'm glad, because every moment spent with you is guaranteed to be an interesting one. You spice up my life in the best way possible. You're my best friend, you get me better than anypony else, and I am so glad you are in my life. I will always be your friend, and I am so, so glad that you are mine." With a surprised yip, I find myself suspended in her magic, and she floats me into a deep hug.
For several long moments, we say nothing, and I bask in her comforting embrace. Eventually I start to sniffle yet again, and surreptitiously reach a hoof up to wipe my eyes. "That's uh, thanks. Thank you Starlight. I'm really glad to hear that."
She lets go and notices my emotive display. "Are you crying?"
"The Stoic and Phlegmatic Trixie does not cry," I try to say proudly, but I choke up anyway.
Starlight giggles at my show of toughness. "You know, I get wanting to put on a facade for your audience, but you don't have to do that with me. I don't mind you crying. In fact I think it's kind of sweet. I love when I see your emotional side. I'd love to see it more often. You and I learned firsthoof how bad it is to bottle up your emotions, heh."
"Thanks", I say, sniffing. "The Emotionally Stunted and Maladaptively Coping Trixie would love to explore that further with you in the future."
Starlight smiles. "That would be wonderful. I'm glad we're friends."
"Me too," I say, but my own teary-eyed smile slips as I remember what I really dragged Starlight out of bed to talk about, what this was all a lead up to. Ever astute, Starlight notices.
"Buuuuuut, I get the feeling that wasn't all you wanted to talk to me about?"
I suck air through my nostrils and let out a long whinny. This is it. The point of no return. Here goes nothing. Lol just kidding here goes everything this is a bad idea why am I talking this is a huge mistake! "Well, there is something else, yes. What, uh, got me worried about all this in the first place, if I'm being honest. Which I am, because I'm super drunk."
"You can tell me anything," she reassures me, so caring and gentle and beautiful and...
"Anything?"
"Yes, Trixie, anything. Well, I mean, not anything anything. Like, if you told me you murdered somecreature, then yes, as much as you are my friend, I would probably need to arrest you—not that I'm entirely sure I have that power? (How does a citizen's arrest even work?)—but like, I'd for sure show up at your trial, and I could probably get Twilight to be your lawyer; I'm pretty sure she knows how to do that, but if not, I'm sure she has connections and she could hook you up with—"
"I love you."
Her mug falls to the floor and shatters. "What?"
"I, uh, I love you," I repeat. As if saying it again makes it less crazy.
Starlight doesn't reply. Instead, the wheels in her head spin full tilt, faster than my heart is racing now, as I watch her mentally recontexualize the numerous days, months, years, and thousands of conversations—our entire relationship.
In the absence of response, I anxiously elaborate. "And I've wanted to tell you, for a while now, but, but I've been scared, because, like I said, you're so amazing and incredible and intense and I feel like a nopony next to you, and what if you don't love me, what if I freak you out, what if you're not interested, will it ruin things, will it make things awkward, or or or or even worse, what if, like, what if we do start dating, but then something happens, and, and we break up, and you cut me out of your life completely, and I lose my best, closest friend, and I end up all alone again, and—"
She jumps from her chair and pushes her body, then her lips against mine, locking them there for several seconds. My chair, my wagon, every other part of reality besides our two bodies temporarily melts away. My whole existence burns ecstatically as endorphins flood my brain. Starlight Glimmer is kissing me! She's actually kissing me! Stars above, this is really happening! Oh geez, oh fuck, oh my gods, I'm kissing Starlight Glimmer!
Oh? Oh! Wow, she is a really good kisser!
Eventually, our lips part, and we gaze at each other with newly opened eyes. "I love you too, Trixie." Then, quickly added, "Like, uh, not romantically, yet anyways, well, maybe I do? Fuck, this shit's confusing. Maybe I should be drinking too! But I mean, like, as far as a relationship goes, I've certainly thought about it, and, uh, I'm willing to see where it leads."
"Really?!" I ask excitedly.
"You know what? Yeah, why not. I mean, I've uh, only ever dated stallions, but I'm not exactly straight*.
*Please click the link;
it's really funny recontextualized.
And you know, you are pretty cute—when you aren't being an insufferable twat, that is."
"Starlight, how could you? The Sweet and Not-At-All-Obnoxious Trixie is a perfect angle!"
"Perfect... angle?"
"Yep!" I beam. "90 degrees!" Good Heavens, do I love fucking with her.
She gives my fuckery a deadpan look, but after a moment it turns to a wicked smirk. "You know, if we're dating, and you're an asshole and piss me off..." She leaps onto me and swiftly pins me to the rough wagon floor, her voice dropping to a husky almost-whisper: "I'll just have to punish you."
I feel a rush of heat in my cheeks and, uh, other places. "Wow, I am so turned on right now," I squeak.
She rolls her eyes and quickly climbs off of me. "Pervert. If you want to get punished you'll have to earn it."
"Starlight, for you, I'd do anything," I say. And I mean it.
"Mmmm, I'm going to hold you to that when I don't feel like going to get groceries."
I chortle. "Alright, you got me. I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that."
Starlight gives me a confused look. "Did... you just quote Beetloaf?"
I smirk at her recognition. And then I start to giggle more. This is amazing. Starlight is going to date me. She's... going to be? Is? Yes! Starlight Glimmer is my girlfriend now!
"You look rather chuffed," she says, stretching her muscles and cracking her neck.
"Well, duh!" I retort. "I just told my crush I love her! And she said she loves me back! Starlight, do you have any idea how much stress this is off my shoulders? I've been trying to get myself to have this conversation for months! Why do you think I've been drinking so much lately?"
"Oh," she replies, again reevaluating our recent interactions. "Huh. I just kind of figured after that whole cocaine debacle in Farasi, you had switched over to becoming an alcoholic instead. But this is good; I can cancel the intervention plans!"
"Hey, I don't drink that much!"
She lifts the scattered wine bottles with her magic and stares at me. "Really?"
"Yes, really!" I counter. "And you know what? The third bottle was the trick this time! Two bottle Trixie is just really tipsy, but the third chardonneigh was what really helped me channel my emotions. You know, maybe I should drink this much more often. It feels incredible to be this open about stuff!"
Starlight rolls her eyes and chuckles. "Oh, Trixie, you're such a beautiful mess. Come here." And we hug again, this time as partners. I bask in her embrace, sighing blissfully and sinking into her lavender fur. It feels wonderful. It feels warm. It feels... safe.
"Trixie, your breath smells like ass."
Well, mostly safe. "Starlight?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up and enjoy the moment."
We probably spend a good fifteen seconds in silent embrace before, after a final squeeze, she disentangles from me. "So, listen," she begins as she picks up the scattered pieces of her mug and deposits them in my trash can, "I'm super glad you finally worked up the courage to talk to me. About both things. I know it was scary, but, I also know you must feel a billion times less anxious now—as you should! And in case it wasn't clear: I'm really proud of you, Trixie. Good job."
Gosh golly, just force feed me more serotonin, why don't you?!
She continues tidying up. "I haven't dated anyone in a bit, so I'm honestly pretty excited about that, but even more than that, the first part of our conversation just reminded me how wonderful it is being friends with you, and how happy I am that you feel the same. I have no clue how this whole romance thing will go—I mean, of course, obviously I hope it goes well. I hope it goes fantastic! But no matter what happens, I will always be honored to call you my friend."
"It's true that friendship with The Great and Powerful Trixie is a rare and wondrous thing indeed!" I answer, and—feeling fantastically festive—accentuate my declaration with a burst of confetti I’ve produced from ~~my shredder~~ thin air.
She shakes her head as little bits of ~~debt collection notices and court summons for tax evasion~~ junk mail fall and sprinkle her mane. One piece alights upon her snout, and she scrunches her muzzle to dislodge it. It's utterly adorable. "Oh you. Yes, it is definitely a blessing. Now, that said, this is all a lot to take in, and it is almost four now. I think I'm going to go back to bed. Talk more in the morning?"
While I'm starting to sober up, I've become drunk instead now on success. "Cuddle!" I shout.
"What?"
"Spend the rest of the night with me. You know, like you said you'd date me, so why not make it official with a first date?"
"Trixie, the last time we tried to sleep together in your wagon it almost ended our friendship. Now mind you, right now it's a bit more spacious 'cause you cleaned it up a lot—and again, I'm very proud of you for that—but I'd still vastly prefer my Coltifornia king-size super comfy (probably super expensive) Friendship Castle bed with its high thread count blankets and mountain of luxuriously soft pillows. Nothing personal."
It's pushing my luck, but I give her my best puppy dog eyes. I'm really good at that.
"Trixie, that's not fair, you know I can't resist that face!"
"Trixie knows:" I smirk, "that's why I'm doing it. Because it works."
She only holds out a couple of seconds. "Ugh, okay, fine! Let's cuddle in my room."
I hoof pump. "Yes!"
She eyes me dubiously. Then laughs. A giggle at first, but it soon morphs into a hearty guffaw.
"What!?" I ask.
"This has just been a weird night, but like, in a good way. I'm just, I'm really glad I took you up on your invitation to talk. I know you don't like her, but Twilight's right, this friendship shit is magical."
It's my turn to roll my eyes. "Yeah, maybe she deserves—and I can't believe I'm about to say this—a little more credit than Trixie gives her."
She stares at me for a moment, before leaning in and pecking me on the cheek. "Your mutual hatred is so adorable. Come on, I'm tired and my bed is whispering my name. And yours."
A final gratuitous throat clear: "Oh," I say in a sultry tone, "you're inviting Trixie up into your bedroom. Should I grab my box of Great and Powerful Sex Toys as well?" I wiggle my eyebrows seductively.
Another glower. "Don't push it. We are JUST cuddling!"
I laugh. "I know, I was only kidding."
"No you weren't."
"See, you know me so well," I say mischievously. "Come on, let's go cuddle."
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So that went, well, extremely well. And I, um, guess I'm dating Starlight Glimmer now. And cuddling with her in her bed. She just fell asleep in my legs. This is awesome!
*snnnrrrrrrrkkkt*
Oh, right. Except she fucking snores. Extremely loudly.
Oh well, worth it.
*sssrrrrkkkt-snrrr*
*hrrrnnnkssss*
*skkrrrnnnrrrkt*
Okay yeah nevermind I'm going back to my wagon and making her schedule a sleep doctor appointment tomorrow. Celestia's teats, how does that mare snore so fucking loudly?!
*crrrnnnkt-sssnnnrrrr*
Shut up! I'm leaving!
*snrkt?*
Yeah, that's right. If you want Great and Powerful spooning, you're going to have to deal with your fucking sleep apnea first!
Epilogue: Singing Clear and Strong
"Hey trix, wake up. It's almost noon!"
"mrmph" I murmur, sliding out of sleep.
"Come on, wakey wakey, silly filly!"
I grumble, attempting to open my eyes to ascertain the source of sound. The light stabs my retinas and I immediately shut them, but my brief foray into vision allows me to deduce that Starlight Glimmer is in my wagon. Oh, right.
Last night happened.
Oh wow, I think, replaying our discussion in my head. Last night happened!
My new paramour's voice cuts my reverie short. "Come on, sleepy head, time to wake up!"
"Ugh. Please go away," I mumble. "Trixie is nursing a Great and Powerful Hangover."
"I can see that. Do you remember any of last night?"
"Trixie got really drunk and vulnerable and confessed her love for you and then we cuddled. Also you snore like a fucking hydra."
"Yeah, I figured that's why you left. Heh, sorry about that. I think my sinuses are messed up."
"And I think you're literally cursed. I don't understand how anypony can snore that loud."
"Yeah, it's pretty amazing. Twilight and I had to soundproof my room so the whole castle doesn't resonate!"
"Amazing is not the word I would use," I retort, attempting to open my eyes again and quickly regretting it. "But that would explain all the baffling."
"I think you mean acoustic foam, but yeah, that's why."
"Whatever. Nerd. But, um, did you mean everything you said last night? About me being your best friend and never abandoning me?" I brave the evil sunlight to squint at her expectantly.
Starlight reaches across my hammock to hug me. "Every bit of it. Did you mean everything you said about loving me?"
"Of course. Why do you think I got so drunk?"
A grimace. "Trixie, I think you could really benefit from therapy."
"And ruin my massively inflated ego and egregious narcissism? Perish the thought!"
Starlight shakes her head and laughs. "You never cease to amaze me. I don't understand how you can simultaneously be so self-aware but also so oblivious."
"Trixie is a mare of many talents," I reply, beaming.
She makes a show of rolling her eyes. "Riiiight. Well, anyway, I brought you water, eggs, and toast. And sunglasses."
"Awww, you didn't have to do that," I protest, slowly attempting to roll out of my hammock before deciding I will instead spend the rest of my days ensconced in its embrace. Fuck, I drank a lot.
"I know, but I chose to. You're worth it. Now come on, eat up so we can go tell Twilight we're dating and freak her out!"
In a flash I'm on my hooves. "I'm always down to freak out Twilight Sparkle," I reply proudly.
"Yeah, I know. It's kind of one of your defining character traits."
"Finally!"
"Finally?!" we shout in unison.
"Yeah, I've been waiting for one of you to make a move for months!"
"You knew we had crushes on each other?" I ask, nibbling my toast in Twilight's kitchen, sunglasses upon my bloodshot eyes.
Twilight scoffs. "I mean, duh! Neither of you is exactly what I'd call subtle. It was pretty obvious."
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"Oh," we both say, blushing in unison. Starlight blushes more than me. The Stoic and Reticent Trixie does not wear her heart out on her sleeve. She is a mysterious enigma.
"Yeah, it wasn't hard to figure out. It took all my willpower not to meddle and to let things progress at their own pace. You know how I love friendshipping."
"Well, thank you, I appreciate your restraint," Starlight replies.
"Of course. A true, true friend helps a friend in need, and sometimes the best way to help is to take a hooves-off approach. Although, I do hope you'll answer one question for me. Trixie, you said you told Starlight you loved her first, right?"
"Indeed. The Impassioned and Highly Emotive Trixie spilled her heart out in splendidly romantic fashion!"
The two mares stare at me. "What? Trixie retracts her previous claim of stoicism. I am consistently capriciously contradictory!"
Starlight rolls her eyes, chuckling, while Twilight simply shrugs. "Huh, well, looks like I owe Cadance 20 bits!"
"You were betting on us?" ~~Starlight~~ my girlfriend asks, incredulously.
Twilight rubs her neck sheepishly. "Look, castle life can get... monotonous. Cadance and I have a few different running bets to liven things up."
Unannounced, Tempest Shadow trots into the castle's kitchen, a sleep mask still dangling from her neck. "Morning Twilight. Morning Starlight. Morning...weird narcissistic blue horse."
Ignoring the tragedy of Tempest being unfamiliar with my Great and Powerfulness, my eyes light up. "Wait, are you two?!" I gesture excitedly between Twilight and Tempest.
Sparkle's eyes dilate. "Not a word!" she growls. "I do NOT need the tabloids to find out I've been sleeping with Equestria's former number one enemy!"
Tempest pops her head back in. "Awwww, you thought I was a bigger threat than the Storm King? I'm flattered!"
Twilight facehoofs. Starlight and I glance at each other and grin deviously.
"Hey, Trixie, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I don't know," I reply. "What are you thinking, best friend and lover?"
"I'm thinking we have some Great and Powerful Blackmail Information now."
And that's why Twilight copyedits my promotional material and gives me free magic lessons.
The (Great and Powerful) End
Author's Note
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this story; for once I put a lot of work into it! And thank you again to my prereaders on the massively-shorter first draft, and Ice Star for help with the gucci cover design! Remember, friendship is magic!
