The Great Redneck War of Equestria

Rainbow Dash crashed into the coniferous section of the gardens, where she had shot the Cutie Mark Crusaders. She hit the ground hard, getting the air knocked out of her.

Rubbing her head, she looked up at the path she had made through the branches. A small black spot appeared in her lineof sight and she squinted, trying to make out what it was. She widened her eyes in realization just before it hit her in the head.

A half hour later, Dash awakened from her unconsciousness. A black paintball gun lay at her side.

"Of course, it just had to happen," she said under her breath.

Something groaned behind her and she tensed. Whirling around, Dash saw Soarin' dragging himself up out of the ravine.

"Help.... me.... Dash, cut.... on.... leg," he groaned.

"Oh, let me help you." she trotted overand leaned over, examining the slash. "That's a  nasty cut."

"It.... hurts."

"I'm gonna help you." she stepped away and shot him in the face.

Soarin's eyes rolled beack in his head as he dropped to the bottom of the ravine.

"That was easy,"she remarked and walked off into the trees.

|_|)

Applebloom opened her eyes when she heard the thump. She glanced to the left and saw a powder-blue pegasus, unconscious.

Smugly, she crawled off of  the rock she had been lying on. Applebloom dusted her hooves off and trotted up the steep side of the ravine.

Panting  at the top, she heard the anouncement.

"There will be a Treat for anypony left in the game in the Meadow."

Applebloom considered the offer. Sure, she might get taken out, but it was worth the risk. Something new equals a new opportunity for a Cutie Mark.

Applebloom made up her mind and carefully made her way toward the Treat.

When she got there, she was awed by the enormous kegs in the Meadow. There was Applejack Daniels Cider, Dub Light Cider, Captain Moran Cider... every keg contained cider. There was  also an abundance of Red Solo Cups scattered between the trees and the kegs.

She scanned the barren landscape for any signs of life. none. Applebloom tentatively stepped out of the foliage, but quickly drew back as Twilight appeared in a flash of light.

She levitated a Red Solo Cup over and mixed in several kinds of cider. She downed it and refilled. Twilight was guzzling cider like the world was ending.

"Miss Sparkle, that is enough cider."

She kept drinking.

"Miss Sparkle, we will send in Guards and you will be disqualified."

And that was when, in a brilliant moment of word association, Twilight Sparkle burst "Fuck da po-lice!"

And Applebloom joined in. "Fuck da po-lice!"

Then a sea of technicolor ponies swept into the clearing, inspired by her speech.

"Fuck da po-lice!" they chanted in the faces of the now-deployed Royal Guard.

They almost looked impressed. Then, one leaned over to another and whispered something. They all lit their horns and-

"Scatter!" somepony shouted and all the drunken ponies galloped or flew in different directions.

Somepony else busted the taps on the kegs, so they all gushed golden fluid of the gods..

Not one to lose an opportunity, Applebloom dashed up to a keg of Applejack Daniels and chugged as much as she hold at once and dashed into the woods.

|_|)

Nightmare Moon soared above the scene of pandemonium below. Once the crowd of intoxicated ponies dissipated, she landed to examine the destruction. Except she stumbled a bit upon landing and soon found herself doused from head to hoof lathered in cider.

Sputtering, she shook herself like a dog and got a whiff of the alchol fumes.

"I haven't had a good drink since Ah don't know when. This moonshine'll be good..." she said while eyeing the nearest keg.

|_|)

"Ermahgerd, this cider is GLORIOUS!" Apple Cloud panted while passing the Red Solo Cup to Blue Streak.

"It is glorious. GLORIOUS, we say!" Blue Streak gulped some and passed it to Dreama. "Damn, that's good."

Dreama drank what was left in the container and let in crash to the ground, shattering.

"I have to go take a piss," Blue Streak announced to the world. She walked into the trees and took a shit. "I have shat."

They cracked up for no other reason than the word shat.

"Hey, hey guys," Apple Cloud slurred.

"Whut?"

"We should- we should just go s-streaking. You might like that, Blue."

They all laughed drunkenly and stumbled into the trees. Three high-pitched yelps revealed the trio suspended up high in  a tree, dangling from one of Twilight's nets. They were, of course, knocked out.

|_|)

Fluttershy ignored the announcement. She had a good idea of what it was, and she was just beginning to recover from her, er, little cider problem.

Snipershy waited until Pinkamena had almost reached the branch she was perched on.

The snarling, dull magenta earth pony was frothing at the mouth and had a grin plastered on that hinted at mental instability.

So basically it was your average Pinkie smile.

Fluttershy smirked at her and saluted before flying off. Pinkamena took a flying leap and grabbed Fluttershy's cankles, holding on with the force and grim determination of a pony who was obviously mentally unstable.

"Git off meh," Fluttershgy growled, Element of Kindness forgotten.

"Never," Pinkamena cackled, arrow-straight mane standing up as they began to fall.

With Fluttershy's incredibly small amount of wingpower, they plummeted down fifty feet to the smaller treetops below.

About a half hour later, Pinkamena stirred. She glanced around, and upon seeing that Fluttershy was down, she laughed with success. With a balloon-like sound, her mane poofed back to it's average poofiness.. She trotted smugly away.

Fluttershy peeked at Pinkamena (now Pinkie) through slit eyes. When Pinkie pranced happily away, Fluttershy got up and picked up her gun.

A crash made her cower on the garden floor. A tall, red earth pony came into sight and glanced down at her.

"Fluttershy, I've been looking for you," his deep voice rumbled.

"Oh, Big Mac, thank Celestia!" she got up and scampered underneath his legs for shelter.

He looked at her again, this time with a sultry look in his eye. "Eeyup,"

Realizing this new threat, Fluttershy took teh change of mood to her advantage. She backed away, bumping into something large.

Oh Luna, she thought, disgusted. "What's a big ol' strong guy doing all alone? This is war, you know," she flirted.

"Eeyup,"

Suddenly, in a whirl of screeching rose pony and BBs, Fluttershy was on the ground, knocked out.

"Nopony gets mah Big Mac," Cheerilee panted, fumes that smelled strongly of alcohol emanating from her breath.