Well then, ponies...

yo, first up let me thank Neon Slate for editing this. i've put a few subtle references in here, can you name all four?

Waking up in a prison wasn’t my ideal way to start the day, but here I am. It was a dark little cell obviously made with discomfort in mind. I had to bend over just to stand up and come to think of it a pony would barely be able to fit in here. I popped the door off and looked around the stone room. Grey, actually a nice change of pace. I looked in the other cells and saw other humans. “Help us, he’ll be back soon.”

I turned to see a small woman near death with her body basically one big scar. “Oh, the new one is awake. Welcome to my holding room creature.”

I turned around to see a pale blue unicorn with a crimson mane and purple eyes.

“Yes well, I suppose I’ll be leaving with these people then.”

“Oh how quaint, you think you can fight against magic. I suppose you don’t know humans have no resistance to magic.”

I lit a fireball in my hand and smirked, “You sure about that numb-nuts?”

“But, that’s impossible!”

I let the flame go out before ripping the doors off their hinges one by one, “Impossible or not, we’re leaving.”

A blast of weak magic hit the back of my head accompanied with a yell, “You aren’t taking my experiments anywhere!”

I turned around standing to my full height and made him grab his own throat, “You know what, screw Celestia I’m killing you.”

A small burst of magic was all it took to make his head explode. I freed the other humans and helped carry the ones who couldn’t walk. The room we were in led out to an entire building of these psychos all screaming something about evolution or something. We left the building to see a mountain range, “Alright, give me a few minutes.”

I went inside and checked for any life, four more rooms full of humans. Well live ones anyway. When they all were together there were about four dozen. I teleported us in front of the princesses in their throne room, “You and I have a problem princess.”

I exerted as much pressure as I could without crushing the humans as I glared at the two alicorns, “These people were being experimented on by an entire organization of ponies. You know as well as I do that’s grounds for war.”

Celestia remained calm as she looked at the near dead humans, “Very well, what are your demands?”

“Take care of them; send them home if they want, I just want to enjoy my vacation.”
She almost showed emotion at my request, “That is, rather generous of you.”

“Meh, now if you don’t mind I’m going to try to explain to Rulia why I wasn’t in bed this morning.”

“Very well, best of luck.”
I sighed as I scratched my stubble, “Gonna need a lot more than luck to calm a pregnant dragon.”

A snap of my fingers and I was in my room. “And where exactly were you?”

I turned around and saw Rulia with her body literally radiating heat. “Got kidnapped in my sleep, woke up in a prison, broke out and freed the other prisoners who were humans, dumped them on Celestia, came back here, and I’m just about to eat.”

I rummaged through my bags till I pulled out a live goat and roasted it alive, “You want some?”

She shook her head and sat next to me, “I missed you.”

“Well I’m back, and we have all day to do whatever you want.”

That was surprisingly easy. I took a hunk off of a leg as we sat there together. Eventually a knock at the door made me get
up and answer with the bone still in my hand, hoof and all, “Yes?”

I opened the door to see the innkeeper standing there, “I smelled some smok-”

He looked at the bone in my hand for only a moment before backing away and running down the hall. “Alright, have a nice day I suppose.”

I closed the door and sat back on the bed. “What was that all about?”

“No clue, so anything you want to do today?”

“Not really, I think I’ll take a nap.”

We laid there for hours until a thought crossed my mind, “You know what I don’t get, if I went to sleep naked how did I wake up fully clothed?”

She started giggling for a moment before she went full out laughing, “Bwahahahaha, is that really the thing you take from that!? Not how did they get you away from me or how they got all the other humans, but that!? Bwahahahahaha *snort*!!!”

I grinned at her as she laughed, “Ya, I suppose it is kind of silly.”

We stayed there until she finally fell asleep letting me put a pillow under her head and leave a note as I left. I wandered no particular destination in mind. I passed the park and found myself on the path to Sweet Apple Acres. Row after row of apple trees were lined up neatly but my sightseeing was cut short as I was hit in the gut, “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS AMBUSHERS!!!”

“GAAAHH!!”

Three imp-lings jumped onto me biting and punching. Just as I set myself on fire to get them off they jumped off and started, giggling? I spun around to see three mares, “What the actual fuck?”

I stared at them for a moment before they ran off. I shook my head before dowsing myself and looking at the trees that littered the landscape. I plucked a ripe looking apple and bit into it, big mistake. It was nasty; it was like my very being was rejecting it. I spat it out and even set the inside of my mouth on fire to clean out the taste. “What are you doin’ to mah apples!?”

I spat before addressing Applejack, “I’ve had better apples from the trash! God, is this what passes for fruit in this world?”

“Don’t go insultin’ my apples unless you want a buck upside your head!”

“How would that even work, you’re like two and a half feet shorter than me!”

“Don’t think your fancy magic is any better than a lifetime of hard work.”

I took a deep breath and looked at her, “How old are you?”

“Twenty, why do ya ask?”

“Twenty years of work for you, twenty six for me. Granted only seventeen were spent on magic but the nine before were
spent working a forge with my father. Based on your society I would assume you wouldn’t have started actually working before eight. To sum up I win.”

“You wanna bet on it?”

I just raised an eyebrow, “Applejack, I incinerated your entire farm without even trying.”

I watched the debate going on in her head for a moment before snapping my fingers, “Of course, it’s because I’m part dragon now!”

“Pardon?”

“Well as dragons mature their stomachs change to be able to eat just about anything however when they are new born they can only eat meat. I got some dragon blood in me one night with Rulia and since our magic is so similar the blood fused with mine making me part dragon. It won’t really affect me other than my diet and maybe some enhanced abilities though.”

“Part dragon, like Spike is?”

“No, Spike is a pure blooded dragon. If I didn’t have magic the blood probably would have killed me. Spike being a pure blood wouldn’t be affected. Speaking of him, his scent is all over, he’s been mating all over this place. By the smell I would say with the same creature over and over.”

The scent of his seed was nearly as strong as the apples, ironically draconic seed smells like pears. “Man the first mating season is always the worst, building up sperm for years.”

“How do you know so much about dragons anyway?”

“I’m marrying one, and I have several dozen books on them all written by dragons and their peers.”

“She doesn’t look like a dragon.”

“It’s a disguise; I don’t think the locals would take a shine to an adolescent dragon waltzing into town.”

“Adolescent? You mean she’s just a filly!?”

“That depends on how you look at it, she’s over three hundred years old. But by dragon standards she’s just entering her awkward phase and I’ll probably be dead before she leaves it.”

“Well that’s mighty sad and all but what were you saying about Spike sleeping around here?”

I took a breath through my nose and nodded, “Definitely only one mate, every day for about a week now. I swear I know this scent. Resembles you but it’s younger. Barely old enough to get pregnant.”

“Ponies and dragons can’t have kids, right?”

“Well that’s up for speculation. It depends on the breed of dragon and the potency of the seed. First mating seasons have a very high chance of resulting in pregnancies. Based on the smell the female is already pregnant.”

“Oh no, Applebloom.”

“If I saw her in person then I could tell you for certain.”

“Well let’s find her!”

She galloped off with me trailing closely. We searched for hours before coming across a tree house with odd noises coming from it. As soon as we got close I pinched my nose, “Oh gods! Four of them going at it right now. Man that little guy can pack a harem away quick.”

“We have to stop him!”

I grabbed her tail as she started sprinting forward, “Whoa now, try to take a mate of his and you’ll get an angry dragon trying to maul you.”

“But, mah sister!”

“Not a lot you can do at this point, hell he’d give a full grown dragon a run for his money.”

“We have to do SOMETHING!”

“Look, the best we can do is speed it up. A little magic and he’ll blow his load and pass out. That’s the best I can do.”

“But, but, what if mah sister gets pregnant!?”

“Well, in theory I could remove the child but I won’t. I won’t be responsible for killing a child before it’s born. Even then unless it’s a deity and has unfathomable knowledge I wait until it’s at least eighteen.”

“Mah, sister! I’m gonna gut the little varmint!”

“I don’t think that’ll be an option either, by now his scales have hardened beyond that of diamonds and you would need something sharper than farm tools to cut his underbelly. Just put him in solitary confinement for a couple weeks, his mating season will end and he’ll be back to the chubby little dragon he was before. Well personality wise anyway, he’s going to start growing rapidly for the next few months till he’s about a hundred feet tall. By then his mind will have connected with another dragon’s and he’ll leave. After a couple decades he will have gained enough control over himself to come back and be a part of society.”

“That’s mighty interesting and all but what about mah sister!?”

“She’ll give birth to a hybrid; I saw a few dragon pony hybrids in Canterlot so it’s more common than one would think. Twilight would know more though. Now let’s wrap the little guy up.”

I snapped my fingers making a loud moan come from the clubhouse and teleported the two of us inside. There lie four unconscious bodies, one dragon, one unicorn, one pegasus, and one earth pony. The ponies were covered in seed and Spike was sleeping with a smug grin on his face. I channeled some magic into my eyes and sighed, “All three of ‘em are pregnant. Holy crap Spike you just keep digging your grave deeper and deeper.”

Applejack’s face was as red as the apples on the trees as she walked towards who I presume is her sister, “I’ll give this to him, he lasts longer than any stallion I’ve ever met.”

Another snap of my fingers and they were all cleaned up, “Alright, you get your sister home and I’ll deal with the rest of them.”

As Applejack left I tied Spike up in some shadow rope and picked the two fillies up in one arm. I teleported the three of us to the library, “Twilight, we need to talk.”

She looked up from the Arcanum training manual, “What is it?”

“Spike is in season, lock him up for a couple weeks unless you want half the mares in town to get pregnant. He’s already gotten three girls knocked up.”

“What!? Spike how could you!?”

“One, he’s sleeping. And two he’s not in his right mind. Instinct has taken over, just put him in a dark room with some food and water for a couple weeks and he’ll be fine. I would recommend getting a book on dragon maturity from the library, Ysram is very descriptive and he spent several centuries studying the different types of dragons mature.”

“Uuuhhh, thank you?”

“No problem, now where do these two live?”

“Well Sweetie bell lives just down the street in the carousel boutique and Scootaloo lives next to the schoolhouse with her sister. Why?”

“I have to tell their families that they’re pregnant.”

“What!?”

“I swear that is you ponies favorite word. But yes, these two and Applejack’s little sister are pregnant. If I hear that anyone tried to get rid of the children I will personally rip their intestines out. Now I’m off to have several awkward conversations, partially because it’s my fault.”

I teleported down the street and saw a sign of the store, I walked in hearing a bell and a voice, “Be right there!”

I waited for a minute before Rarity walked in, “Hello dear my name is-”

“Rarity, fashionista, element of harmony specifically generosity, unicorn, rather refined disposition but is prone to dramatic outbursts. I’m here to drop off your sister, talk to Twilight about her pregnancy.”

“What? I’m sorry I must have misheard you, I thought you said Sweetie was pregnant.”

“I did, so are Applebloom and Scootaloo. Ask Twilight I have to drop this one off.”

I walked out of the store and jumped over the town to the schoolhouse and saw several foals playing, smaller than the three who were with Spike by about half. I looked around and saw an adult pony, “Excuse me but do you know where this girl lives?”

“Oh what happened to poor Scootaloo?”

“Had sex one too many times, passed out.”

“Scootaloo wouldn’t do something like that.”

“Saw it happen, now I need to get her home.”

“Well she lives just down this street, the second blue house on the left.”

I thanked her and strolled down the street to Scootaloo’s home. I knocked three times and waited for an answer. After a moment Rainbow Dash opened the door, “Ya? What happened to Scoots!?”

“Relax, she just passed out. Oh and she’s pregnant, talk to Twilight about it I don’t have the time.”

“And what are you doing that’s so important you can’t explain how my sister got pregnant!?”

“Oh, did your parents not have ‘the talk’ with you?”

“I know how she got pregnant but who did it!?”

“Well there was Scootaloo, Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Spike.”

“What!?”

“Seriously, ponies use that word way too much! But anyway Twilight will fill you in.”

“Wha, buh, zwat!?”

I walked away from her leaving Scootaloo mumbling about anal something or other. I wandered around town until I heard a new noise coming from a building called DJ Pon-3’s. I walked in and my ears were hit by a new sound.

It's alright
You're ready for the night
Of your life
Stars will shine so bright
They say
We're dancing the stress away
This beat
Is underneath your feet
Right now
Together we will meet
This place
Will blow your mind away
Welcome to the club now
Gonna pump it up now
This is an emergency
Music is my galaxy
Welcome to the club now
Everybody up now
We've gotta going on
Till the break of dawn
Welcome to the club now
Gonna pump it up now
This is an emergency
Music is my galaxy
Welcome to the club now
Everybody up now
We've gotta going on
Till the break of dawn
So put the record on
So put the record on
So put the record on
To the club now
To the club now
Right now we're standing here in line
Open up the door Mr. Frankenstein
Cause we're here to dance the night away, hey hey
Welcome to the club now
Gonna pump it up now
This is an emergency
Music is my galaxy
Welcome to the club now
Everybody up now
We've got it goin on
Till the break of dawn
Welcome to the club now
Gonna pump it up now
This is an emergency
Music is my galaxy
Welcome to the club now
Everybody up now
We've got it goin on
Till the break of dawn
So put the record on
So put the record on
To the club now
To the club now
.................
..................
.................
.................
.................
To the club now
Jump
To the club now
Welcome to the club now
Gonna pump it up now
This is an emergency
Music is my galaxy
Welcome to the club now
Everybody up now
We've got it goin on
Till the break of dawn
So put the record on

I just sat in a chair soaking in the new form of music, “That was, interesting.”

I sat there for a moment before walking over to the bar and ordering the strongest stuff they had. Just as I was about to drink it four mares burst in. Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow all walked right up to me and all at once they talked, “Boy you got some splainin’ to do!”