"Well. Guess that's that."
Applejack sat slouched at the end of the bar, hefty pint glass in her hand, gazing morosely into the amber liquid that half-filled it. Her mouth burned from the sour alcohol, but it couldn't quite wash away the sweetness of Pinkie's celebratory cakes. Scraps of confetti fell out of her mane every time she shoved her fingers through it.
There weren't many ponies around, and the few others in the place had the good sense to leave her alone. The only companionship she felt like was a hard bottle of something fermented, and a dimly-lit corner to work her way through it. Fortunately, the odds of any of the usual gang finding her were slim; it'd taken her a lot of effort to find a shabby dive within trotting distance of Ponyville that she could indulge her occasional bad moods in, and this time, there was no reason they'd come looking.
They were all busy, anyway.
The wooden scrape of a stool beside her signalled that somepony wasn't picking up the distinct aura of 'go away' she was radiating. Horseapples, if some idiot stallion thought tonight was the time to hit on her, she'd kick him clean through a wall. Scowling, she tugged her hat lower over her eyes and took another deep gulp of her cider.
"I will have what she's having."
Applejack choked, a snort of alcohol shooting up her nose. Jerking upright, she shoved her hat up again and gazed incredulously at the pony sat next to her. "Princess Celestia?! What'n the hay are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing. Don't you have a party to be attending?" The other pony's gaze was calm, expression unruffled. Her mane curled and billowed softly around her.
Lips pressed tightly together, Applejack looked around the small, dingy traveller's inn. Those few ponies seated at the improvised tables - mere slabs of splintery wood balanced atop barrels - were either staring, or very obviously not staring. As she watched, one older stallion drained his glass, pushed back his chair and vanished through the doors with nigh-indecent haste.
Well, that was just great.
"Been to it," she said shortly. "Cut the cake, sang the song, all done."
"Pinkie's parties never end so early. Especially not this one. Oh; thank you." Celestia picked up her freshly-delivered stein by the handle, delicate golden rings clinking against the glass.
"...still going on, Ah reckon. Left early. Felt sick."
Applejack's sandy brows rose as Celestia brought the stein to her lips and drained it in one long series of swallows, finally pushing it away empty.
"Delightful. Another, please." Her gaze shifted back towards Applejack. "I do understand your reasons. They've always been obvious to me."
The scowl was reflexive and immediate. "That right, is it? The way Ah see it, you're talking out of your behind, Princess or no."
A hint of colour graced Celestia's pale cheeks. "Then my behind says that you have all the reasons in the world to be drinking alone rather than attend Twilight and Rarity's engagement party."
"Y'know, you said something real insightful, there."
Her brow arched. "Oh?"
"Drinking alone." Applejack looked away, scowling at the old wooden wall panels as if daring them to contribute. What business was it of anypony's how she was feeling? She did not feel like being nagged and bothered into cheering up. If she wanted to wallow a bit, well, she had every right!
A glassy thud beside her signalled the arrival of another stein.
"Are you gonna sit there all night?" Applejack growled.
"I may choose to."
The farm pony heaved a sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers. "Obvious, huh?"
"To me. The ponies in your life are accustomed to seeing you a certain way; it makes it harder to realise. I like to think that I see you more clearly."
"Well... yeah. Ah guess. You're the only dang pony around here that seems to even understand that-" she hesitated, the words stifled by deeply-ingrained habits of silence, then took another gulp of her cider instead.
"That just because you are usually attracted to stallions, it doesn't mean you can't fall for the right mare." Celestia's tone softened, quietly sympathetic.
And there it was. It was that simple. Why was it so hard to say so herself?
"You do make it sound pretty dang obvious," Applejack groused, gazing down into her glass as though she'd find sanctuary there. "Ah thought... Ah don't know. Rarity'd notice. For a long while, Ah thought we had something going on. This kinda... she'd get mad with me quicker'n anyone else, but we'd make up jest as quick. She talked to me. Spent time around the farm, and she hates mud, ask anypony. Rilly did think it was a matter of time."
"When did you realise?"
"Never did. Never put two and two together. She'n Twi, they'd spend time together, sure, but Ah thought it was jest... y'know, projects they were working on, and friends being friends. All that. Then she comes to talk to me, and Ah got mah hopes up all of a sudden, sweating buckets, heart hammering fit to kick right out've mah chest, and she tells me that she and Twilight are dating."
Applejack closed her eyes, her calloused hand tightening around the glass. The memory was painfully vivid; the crashing plunge as her heart fell into her boots, the cold sweat prickling up her back, the giddy sickness that made her head swim, and the taste of bile at the back of her tongue as she desperately tried to hide all of it from the lovely mare standing obliviously before her.
Taking a deep breath, shoving the feelings back down, she went on quietly, "So Ah'd got the wrong end of the stick. Happens. Got over it. Took a while, but Ah did. Couldn't be happier for them, swear on the farm. They make a great couple. Twilight's smart, and pretty, and a goshdarn Princess, and Rarity's the prettiest mare around, smart as a whip, building her fashion lines. Famous in Canterlot, all that. Perfect pairing. Y'don't need to cheer me up, alright?"
Her eyes burned, but she refused to rub them, and willed the treacherous nearly-tears back out of existence. Draining her glass without tasting it, she pushed it away by the handle and gestured for another.
"Oh, I'm not here to cheer you up. I'm certainly not here to shame you for feeling bad tonight."
Applejack gave the Princess a sideways look. "You're not? Then... what're you doing here?"
"For now? Drinking." Celestia set her second glass aside, as empty as the first. "I presume you'd had at least one before I arrived. Do tell me if I need more to catch up."
Shaking her head, Applejack waved the question away. A strange relief settled over her; she'd never really talked like this to Celestia before. Sure, the Princess had checked in with her sometimes, like she did with all the Elements of Harmony, but it had always been pomp and circumstance at the castle. All that ceremonious nonsense made her teeth ache. But now...
"Ah was over her. Ah was. But then the party invitations went around, and Ah knew that it was done, that they'd gotten engaged. That's it. That's how the story goes. Ah swear, Ah am happy for them. It's jest... the banner, and the origami ponies kissing, and the fashion cake, and the heart-shaped confetti, and all of it..."
"You had to go. I understand. You can be happy for them while being sad for yourself."
Something that had remained tightly clenched in the core of Applejack's chest all night eased its grip a fraction. "...yeah, that's it," she sighed. "Couldn't take it anymore. Left."
"It's hard," agreed Celestia, a wistful smile tugging at her lips. "It can be very hard when you're interested in a pony, and they don't realise it. Not even that they don't realise it, but they could never realise it, because it's not the way they see you. Even more so when you understand their heart belongs to another."
Lifting her head a little, Applejack let her glass settle onto the bar top, and for the first time, really looked at Celestia. "...oh. Dang. You too, huh? Ah mean... dang. Ah'm sorry, Princess."
"Yes," sighed the divine pony, nodding once as she glanced over at Applejack. "Me too."
Unbelievable. Between the crown and throne, darned if there wasn't an actual mare there that could get her feelings hurt. "Ah get it. You weren't even at the party. You invited?"
"Oh, I was. Pinkie invites Luna and I to all her parties, as a matter of course. We usually refrain; arriving would mean the event would become about us, and we don't wish for that to happen too often. Though that isn't what happened this time. Luna has gone for both of us; she should be passing on my congratulations about now."
"But you couldn't be there, not and see Twilight up'n get engaged to another mare." Applejack nodded, stroking a finger morosely along the rim of her fresh stein. "Must have drove you nuts, watching them together, when if you'd said a word, you might have shook up the whole thing. You're the Princess of the dang Sun. Who could imagine saying no to that? Wouldn't be fair."
Sighing, she took another gulp of cider. It didn't burn so much across her tongue anymore. "And there's me trying to go up against a princess mahself. Like Ah ever had a chance with a mare like Rarity, or competing with a mare like Twi. Ah'm a fool."
Celestia nodded calmly, taking a matching swallow from her own glass. "Oh, yes. You're a complete idiot."
Applejack blinked, then frowned, looking up at the pony beside her. "Hey! There's no call for that!"
"But there is. There definitely is. Applejack, I am not in love with Twilight Sparkle."
"...what? You're not?" Applejack's frown deepened. "But you were jest saying so!"
"I didn't. Twilight is my dear student, but I have been there for her entire life. She is like a daughter to me. I wish her every happiness, but I could never be that, for her."
"Then... you're after Rarity as well?" Applejack looked away, feeling a contradictory surge of jealousy. It wasn't like knowing Celestia was drawn to Rarity changed anything, not with the engagement and all, but it still felt like she was suddenly in competition with the other pony. As if one Princess wasn't bad enough!
"Applejack. You're still an idiot."
Before she knew what she was doing, Applejack found herself angrily jabbing a forefinger towards her ruler. "Ah'm no such thing, and you don't got no right to say that!"
"I am," declared Celestia, "very drunk, and I have every right to say it. I am not at Twilight's engagement party, an event which I would have otherwise very much wished to go to, because I knew you would be here."
"You ain't drunk that much-"
"I most certainly didn't wait to start drinking before I left Canterlot. Applejack, it is you that I am talking about. You are the pony. Am I sufficiently clear?"
Applejack's mouth stayed open for a moment of simple, blank surprise, then she tried to speak, but the words tripped over her tongue. "Ah wha?!" she protested.
Celestia rested her chin on the palm of her hand, her elbow upon the bar. "I'd wondered many times what you'd say, when I revealed my interest in you. I didn't come up with exactly that, but I did account for some spluttering noises. I think that's close enough to call it a win for foresight."
Pushing back her hat and rubbing her forehead, Applejack's lips moved silently as she tried to fit the enormity of what she was hearing into her head. The other mare - Princess Celestia - was gazing at her with calm, remote interest; the kind of expression a pony might wear after dropping a pebble into a deep hole while they waited to hear it hit the bottom.
Her cheeks heated as she looked down at herself. She'd ditched her party clothes the instant she could, carelessly tugging on yesterday's unwashed cast-offs before heading out again - tatty denim dungarees, one shoulder strap done up, one hanging loose, over a thick green shirt with rolled up sleeves. Her heavy boots were still muddy from the walk across the fields. She couldn't have felt further from the immaculately dressed demigoddess next to her, bedecked in whispering grey silk and trimmed in gold.
Surging emotions battled amongst themselves for dominance, but sheer bewilderment crowded out the rest. "Why me? What could Ah have to offer a mare like you? Ah'm jest a small-town gal. Always have been, always will be. Ah'm not... pretty."
Celestia picked up her glass stein and considered it, turning it this way and that. "What do you think, mug? Would pouring your contents over this pony's head help?" Shaking her head, she lowered the glass. "Applejack. Surely you don't think so little of yourself."
"Ah don't think badly of mahself! Ah don't need to be pretty, and saying I'm not the kind've mare that goes all weak-kneed about big, fancy cities doesn't make me any lesser f'r it, and that's a fact." The flush of heat along Applejack's cheeks worsened, spreading to her ears. "Ah jest... you're you. And Ah'm me. How'd you get from one t'the other?"
Heaving an exasperated sigh, Celestia drained her stein in a series of quick swallows, then gestured at the bar pony for another. "Fill her up. It seems like that's the only filling I'm going to get tonight."
Shocked near speechless at the flat crudity of the words, Applejack gaped all over again. "Wha- you don't- how c'n you jest say something like that?"
"I remind you that I am very drunk. I assure you, Applejack, that the lines between confessing my personal interest to you and simply passing out aren't nearly as far apart as you might imagine."
"You needed to get that hammered to even talk to me?" demanded the farm pony, feeling a confused, angry surge of indignation boil up in her that almost entirely covered the existential terror.
"Oh, yes. Now that Rarity is beyond your reach, I felt as though I would not be sabotaging a potential future between you by making my interest known, but I am still terribly afraid this will all blow up in my face." Celestia paused. "That might not have been the best thing to tell you. Lulu plied me with alcohol before I left the castle to ensure I wouldn't lose my nerve, and I fear she may have overdone it."
She was afraid? The actual Princess was afraid?
Applejack searched the other mare's serene expression for any sign of the emotion, and couldn't find it. But that didn't mean it wasn't there. Speaking slower and more softly now, feeling the dizzy thrill of edging out onto a thin bridge over an abyss, she asked again, "Why me?"
"Because you're you," sighed Celestia. "Can you imagine what it is like to reign alone for a thousand years, surrounded by nobility and courtiers day and night? I must analyse every word spoken in my presence for layers of meaning, seeking the buried truth beneath the flattery, the lies, the attempts to ingratiate and manipulate, the ego, the rumours spoken as facts... it is a language I am utterly fluent in, and I am exhausted by it. Then there comes a pony who is utterly unswayed by the bright lights and glittering marble, a pony that is unswervingly brave and kind, a saviour of Equestria several times over, one I can always trust to speak her mind, the Element of Honesty. You ask what you have to offer me?"
...huh. Applejack looked down at her hands, frowning thoughtfully. That... made a kind of sense. She had no time for the games nobles liked to play and no fancy-pants castle was going to make her forget who she was and where she'd come from, sure as hills were hills and apples were apples. The feeling of vertigo grew more intense, as though the old flagstones were shifting beneath her feet. But... she wasn't fit for a princess. Surely she couldn't...
"You're also incredibly hot."
Startled out of her reverie, Applejack looked up into Celestia's gaze. "What? Come on, now."
"I mean it. You truly have no idea how attracted I am to your rough clothes and hard muscles. Not to mention how cute your face is. If I am going to embarrass myself by confessing to a pony that doesn't seem interested, I may as well go all out. You should know that I have wanted to do terrible things to you right there in the throne room when you come back from a fight all dirty and dishevelled, and only centuries of royal protocol stayed my hand."
No. No way this was happening. If this was a joke or a trick, she was going to buck down Canterlot Castle. Clinging to her disbelief like a life raft, Applejack demanded, "Are you being straight with me?"
"Oh, I have no intention of being straight with you," replied Celestia, a wry smirk on her lips that Applejack had never seen before; could never have imagined seeing. "But it is true. I don't feel as though I have to be careful around you; that I might hurt you by accident. I fear I would break most ponies in the castle were I to embrace them, but you might be nearly as strong as I am."
If there was one thing Applejack prided herself on, it was knowing when a pony was lying to her. Unable to look away from the other mare, she searched Celestia's face for the slightest hint of deception and came up empty. It was... true.
Tentatively, her heart quivering in her chest, Applejack relaxed the death grip she held on her own emotions, and let herself feel. Celestia was unspeakably beautiful; a living sculpture of nobility and grace. A sculpture with really amazing tits. The shock of attraction hammered Applejack like a tidal wave as somewhere deep in her soul, the pedestal that she'd always placed the divine mare atop simply vanished. Against her will, her gaze flicked down to take in the Princess's cleavage, then up to meet the other mare's eyes.
Lifting her stein to her lips, Applejack drained it down to the dregs, then pushed it aside. The unicorn barkeep, who was by now awkwardly pressed into the furthest corner of the bar away from them, refilled it from where he stood with a haze of amber magic.
"You mean," Applejack began with a thrill of daring, "you might be nearly as strong as Ah am."
Celestia arched a brow. "You would challenge an alicorn? You know our strength is the matter of legends."
"What Ah know is that Ah'm out in the field, bucking trees and hauling baskets from sun up to sundown, while you're sat on your royal behind signing paperwork. Think you've got much use out've those muscles lately?" Applejack's grin spread, a pleasant warmth igniting in the pit of her stomach.
"Do you forget who is raising the sun that you're working under?" asked Celestia, the mild indignation in her tone utterly betrayed by the grin on her lips.
"Weighs much in your hands, does it? As much as a barrel of apples, or a few hay bales? Take your horn out've it, and you'd struggle lifting a quill. Though from what Ah hear, you do alright lifting a fork if there's cake on the end."
"Low blow, Applejack. I have fought monsters of legend for ages untold."
"Fought a fair few mahself. When was the last time you beat one with your bare hands, again? Do Ah need a calendar, a history book, or are we going straight to archaeology?"
Celestia pushed back her stool, stood up, then slammed her elbow down onto the sticky bar, hand extended. "Arm wrestle. Right now."
Springing off her stool and hammering the bar with her own elbow, Applejack retorted, "Fine by me!" She seized hold of Celestia's hand, and held on tightly.
She was holding Celestia's hand. The divine mare's skin was soft and warm, as smooth as the silk of her dress, but her grip back was just as firm as her own. Applejack's heart skipped a beat, then resumed its rhythm at a much faster pace. Despite all that she'd drank, her mouth was suddenly dry.
"Go," declared Celestia without preamble, then shoved hard. Before Applejack knew what was happening, her hand was slammed backwards onto the bar top.
"I am magnanimous in victory," Celestia purred, raising her snowy brows. "A simple apology for impugning my strength will suffice."
"You're a darn cheat is what you are," retorted Applejack, resettling her elbow on the wood and extending her hand again. "Ah was distracted! You play fair this time, you'll be eating those words like the cake you ate for breakfast."
"If I ever find out who wrote that article that painted me as cake-fixated, I will banish them to the moon. Fine. When I win again, as I will, you will refrain from poking fun at my occasional indulgences in dessert as well."
"When Ah win... well, Ah'll make up mah mind once you know you're good and beaten. Ready? And... go."
Immediately, it was like trying to hold back a landslide. The sheer force the other mare was exerting was incredible, in a blatant attempt to win as swiftly the second time as she had the first. Inch by inch, Applejack felt her hand being forced backwards. Maybe this really was impossible.
But she wasn't going to be the first Apple to give up without a fight.
"Not... on... your... life!" Applejack gritted out through clenched teeth. Her muscles strained the fabric of her thick shirt, and she leant forward slightly as she gave it her all. The relentless force of Celestia's grip didn't slacken for an instant, but the slow giving of ground came to a stop. Deadlocked, they strained against each other, a feral, competitive light dancing in Celestia's eyes as the divine pony let out a soft grunt of effort.
"You're not going to win. You do understand that."
"Quit yappin', and push harder!" Applejack growled. With a jerk, she forced Celestia's hand back an inch, then again. Hah! That was it! The alicorn was appallingly strong, but she didn't have the stamina to back it up!
A look of concentration came over Celestia's face, eyes narrowing. Deadlocked once again, she breathed, "Well, if I have to stop going easy on you..."
"Nice try." Sucking in a deep breath, Applejack gave a jerk of her shoulder, ramming the alicorn back a little further. "Looks like you're getting tired, Princess. Gone on too long f'r you? Ah c'n do this all night!"
Subtle strain leaking into her voice, Celestia answered, "That is... exactly... why I want to sleep with you!"
"Not gonna distract me!" The bar groaned beneath them, a deep, creaking sound of protest, and something splintered beneath Applejack's elbow. Ignoring it, she forced Celestia's hand further and further back, ruining the alicorn's leverage, until their intertwined hands were barely an inch from the wood.
A strange pressure lifted Applejack's arm slightly, and instinctively glancing up, she caught sight of a shimmer running along the other mare's horn. "You darn cheat!" she exclaimed, reaching up and grabbing hold of it with her free hand to snuff the magical glow. All of a sudden, she was holding on tight to Celestia's horn, pulling her head down, seeing her flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes from mere inches away.
Like unstoppable momentum, like gravity, the last little gap between them closed, and the divine pony's mouth was hot and sweet against hers.
Fire ignited within Applejack, a burning exhilaration that obliterated everything else. Wrapping one leg around Celestia's, she pressed herself full-length against the other mare, tongue prying into her mouth. It had been so long since she'd kissed another pony, since she'd been held! She kissed Celestia as though she might never get another chance, not with her, not ever, their fingers intertwined, mouths meeting and parting and meeting again.
And then Celestia pulled away, leaving Applejack wobbly-kneed, struggling for breath as though emerging from deep, deep water. It took her a second to recognise that she was still gripping the alicorn's horn; she let go hurriedly, trying to re-centre herself.
The stallion behind the bar coughed, eyes wide, voice strained and nervous. "My, um. My Princess? My Princess, the, um. The bar is closing now. Please accept the drinks you and your, uh, friend enjoyed as our thanks for visiting."
Celestia straightened up, a towering, immaculate figure, easily a head taller than Applejack. In pleasant, authoritative tones, she replied, "I am very grateful for your service this evening, and of course, your discretion. While I do not carry bits, I would not dream of withholding your just payment; please expect a visit tomorrow from my staff to settle things."
Applejack blushed furiously as she belatedly understood the meaning of that gently emphasised 'discretion'. Her green eyes flicked this way and that as she surveyed the bar, but every last pony was long gone. Probably found other bars by now, busy telling how they'd ran into Princess Celestia drinking cider.
Even in a place as obscure as this, there was no getting away from the fame and the role of a princess; there was a pressure, everywhere she went from every pony she met, pushing her back into the box that her rank had made for her. Maybe it was just easier for her to stay in Canterlot, where at least ponies weren't so shocked by her presence.
Celestia surveyed the cracked bar top, then picked up her glass stein and drained the last of it. Turning towards the doorway, she glanced back over her shoulder at Applejack. "Are you coming?"
She really isn't sure. Applejack blinked, stunned by the enormity of the revelation. The Princess's serene expression of diplomatic calm was back, but there was just a hint in her voice, just the faintest tremble of insecurity. This mare, this glorious, glowing mare, this rude, over-competitive cheat wasn't sure if she, Applejack, was going to turn her down.
...Celestia really was just another pony. In that instant, every sleepless night, every long, long day of aching loneliness flashed through Applejack's mind, recast into royal bedchambers and marble halls. If Rarity hadn't told her about Twilight, would it have been Big Mac and Applebloom encouraging her, giving her a fortifying bit of hard liquor and a hard kick up the tail, and shoving her out the door to confess?
She'd always wonder what might have been, if she'd said something sooner. Said something at all. But Rarity and Twilight were there for each other now, and all she could do was wish them well and be the best friend she could to them both. Here, now, was the most incredible mare, a mare with a heart the size of Equestria, offering to share that warmth with her. To be a world for her.
"You couldn't stop me if you tried," said Applejack firmly, straightening her hat. Dumping a small handful of bits on the counter, she added to the nervous stallion on her way out of the door, "That'll cover the stuff Ah put away."
The sun had set while they'd been inside. Celestia had probably lowered it before coming in herself, now that she thought about it. The evening air was warm and still, and stars twinkled overhead. It was beautiful. And with that word echoing around her head, her gaze was drawn inexorably back to the other mare.
The Princess was standing in the halo of light cast from the inn's lantern, talking to - Applejack sighed inwardly - two burly looking stallions whose plain clothes and rough cloth hats did absolutely nothing to disguise the fact that they were royal guards. Darnit. Had they been lurking outside the entire time? What could she say to Celestia with these pests hanging around?
"Thinking you might give these two the night off?" she asked hopefully, strolling over to join the trio.
Celestia turned, a mixture of fondness and exasperation on her face. "In fact, I did. This is what they chose to do with their free time."
"It is entirely a coincidence that we are here, Princess!" declared the left hand stallion, saluting with a fist to his chest.
"That how it is, is it?" asked Applejack sceptically, frowning. "Well, this place is closed, so best you go on'n find someplace else to be."
The two stallions exchanged looks, unmoving. "It's a nice night to be out," volunteered the other, a darker pony in a flat cloth cap that really didn't suit him. "Maybe we'll take a walk."
"Sure. As long as it's in the other direction." Pinching the bridge of her nose, Applejack lowered her voice. "Look, Ah get it. You want to protect her, and you can't relax when you know she's out and about all by her lonesome. You swore vows. But she ain't alone. Ah'm with her, and in case you missed it, she is pretty dang strong. Anything that'd bother her, Ah'll handle it, and if Ah can't, she'll handle it, and if that looks dicey, she'll up'n fly away and find you. Cool your heels at Twi's castle if you want; there's cake and all sorts over there, and that's a landmark she can't miss."
Another look flashed between them, then one turned to Celestia, a questioning expression on his face.
"Please do as Applejack says," the regal pony confirmed smoothly. "I will hold to the promise she has made you."
"As you bid, Princess." Hesitation telegraphed through their body language, the two reluctantly turned towards the dirt road that led towards Ponyville.
"Hey! One more thing." Applejack planted her hands on her hips as they glanced back at her. "If Ah catch either of you sneaking back to keep an eye on her, Ah'll black your eyes f'r you, understand?"
They understood. She watched them go, a subtle tension in her shoulders that only relaxed when they turned a corner and disappeared from sight. Which left her, standing in front of a resolutely closed inn, with Princess Celestia.
Nervousness strummed a few chords within her chest. Fine. They were alone. Now what?
"Pretty darn strong," said Celestia meditatively. "Quite the compliment."
"Dang strong. Ah said dang."
"I stand corrected. I was particularly flattered when you said that I should be able to find Twilight's Castle, as if lesser landmarks were a little dicey for me." Applejack opened her mouth to reply, only to be cut off as Celestia added, "If you make another remark about the cake there, I will kick you. No more dessert remarks. Those were the rules."
"Those were the rules if you won! Which you did not, if'n you forget."
"I don't remember having my hand pinned to the bar by yours. Did that actually happen?"
"No, because you cheated!"
"And then you kissed me. I would call that a mixed message. I still didn't lose. And I won the first time, so overall, the victory is plainly mine."
"You cheated then, too!" Applejack tried to maintain her glare, waving her finger accusingly at the taller mare, then began to giggle despite herself. "You really hate losing, don't ya."
"I do. I absolutely do."
"So you cheat? You'd sooner cheat than lose?"
"Of course. That is why I keep winning."
"Ah won," contradicted Applejack, laughing. A wonderful warmth was spreading through her chest, a joy that she'd almost forgotten. "You're disqualified, f'r cheating. Double disqualified."
"If I am doubly disqualified, does that not mean I am qualified again?"
Blinking, Applejack poked Celestia in the stomach. "Y'might get Twi with nonsense like that, but that'll get you a kicking from me."
"Oh, very well. It appears that I, Princess Celestia, have somehow lost. So then. What would you have me do?" A complex expression touched her features for a moment, a mixture of playfulness, longing and fear that disappeared as quickly as it came, a mere trick of the lantern light.
Searching the other mare's face and finding only calm interest there, it took Applejack a second to register the words. "What? What d'you mean?"
"Well, I appear to be 'good and beaten', so now you have to make up your mind what my forfeit is." Celestia raised her brows slightly. "That is what you said."
The lantern over the inn door went out, leaving them standing in darkness. Unable to see the tall mare's expression, Applejack hesitated for an instant, then pointed out into the fields. "C'mon. Let's go f'r a walk. And that is not the forfeit. Ah'm jest making up mah mind what that's gonna be."
Celestia's words came more softly. "It would never be a forfeit to walk with you, Applejack."
A paler shadow in the dark, she turned in the direction of Applejack's gesture, and began to walk. Lengthening her own stride to catch up, Applejack matched her pace, listening to grass swish around their feet as the bulk of the tavern fell behind.
It really was very quiet. The air was still, the birds were sleeping, and before them, the grassy fields stretched out into the distance, dotted with clumps of trees. It felt as though they were walking into a silence that reached out and took them up into itself.
She didn't know what to say. Applejack's heart hammered, her pulse drumming in her ears, but somehow, it wasn't unpleasant. Tingles raced across her skin, goosebumps rising as she nervously clenched and unclenched her fist at her side. Then, as casually as she could manage, she reached up and took Celestia's hand.
A soft sigh escaped the shadowy form of the other mare, the sound of tension released. Her fingers intertwined with Applejack's, squeezing gently.
"...never held hands with a mare as tall as you," Applejack murmured.
"Is it a problem?"
"Nah. Not at all. ...it's nice. Holding onto you, like this."
"Yes. It's nice for me, too."
A whisper of breeze brushed Applejack's face, and she looked up at the other pony once more. There was a hint of colour in the mane that drifted around her like a cloud, dancing and swaying. Stars glittered overhead in their thousands, framing her against the sky.
"...you really are beautiful," Applejack murmured, briefly startled by the sound of her own voice.
Silence returned. The silhouette of the Princess kept walking, long legs swishing back and forth, dress whispering with her movements. Then, quietly, she said, "I lied to you before."
Applejack's heart jerked in her chest. "Wh-what d'you mean?" she asked, a quiver to her voice that was foreign to her.
"When you asked me 'why you'." Celestia's fingers squeezed harder, holding onto Applejack's hand like a safety line. "I gave you a reasoned, argued case, as though I was assembling a rationale for a treaty. I've asked myself my own reasons, and those were the ones I settled upon. But that isn't why. That was just a story I told myself, after the fact."
"Then - why?" Applejack gripped the other mare's hand back, harder than she'd have dared with any other pony. Cold sweat dampened her forehead, and the warmth of Celestia's touch was the only thing that anchored her.
"I don't know. It had been so long, I'd forgotten, but... that isn't how love works. I just wanted to be near you. I wanted to see you smile. You smile a lot, you know." The tall mare fell silent for a long moment. "It was plain to me you held feelings for your friend. I believed I merely felt sympathy for you. Nevertheless. I found excuses to talk to you, and my heart beat faster every time. I tried to imprint the scent of your mane upon my memory, even after you had left the room. I don't know why it is you. But I do find you so very beautiful. I have spent so long dreaming of touching you. It is no wonder Luna couldn't ignore it any longer."
"You were... dreaming of me?" asked the farm pony in a small voice. It was hard to breathe, her chest aching with a joyous pain she barely dared embrace.
"Yes." A wry note crept into Celestia's voice as she went on, "I've fantasised about all of Twilight's friends, but thoughts of you were the ones that lingered into sleep."
"You do what now?" spluttered Applejack.
"I am quite shameless," Celestia murmured wistfully. "Not that I would generally admit it. But as I said before, if I am to confess, it may as well be everything. It is possible I have acted in haste in coming to you tonight. I'm sorry. I don't mean to take advantage of your sadness. It is just that... time passes so very quickly."
The moon came out from behind the clouds for a moment, casting its pale light across the fields. In its light, Applejack saw a single silvery trail marking Celestia's cheek, and all at once, she saw through the other mare's playful lightness to the heartache beneath. "...oh," she whispered. "Yeah. Guess it does at that."
The farm pony came to a stop, turning towards the mare beside her, and reaching up with her free hand, she gently wiped the delicate track of her teardrops away. "There now. No need for that. Ah'm here. Ah'm not going anywhere."
Celestia's eyes closed, her breathing deepening. For a long moment, the tableau held; the crowned alicorn leaning her cheek into the shorter mare's calloused hand, their fingers intertwined between them, moonlight colouring everything in shades of soft blue-grey.
Then, in a blur of urgency, they were kissing once more. Celestia's body was in her arms, incredibly warm, the alicorn's wide, snowy wings encircling them both. Short, hot gasps escaped their lips as their mouths met again and again, tongues wrestling, each tasting the other with glorious, delirious urgency. Applejack's hands slid down to cup the other mare's ass, sliding under her silken dress to knead and squeeze her bare skin, finding underwear so delicate it offered no barrier to her touch.
Their lips parted, shivering gasps escaping the divine pony that drove a thrill of arousal through Applejack's heart and soul. Yanking at her own dungarees, she shrugged the shoulder strap loose and peeled down the front panel, her fingers clumsy with haste as she unbuttoned her shirt. Her gaze never left the other mare, as if Celestia might vanish like a dream the moment she looked away.
Tossing her shirt aside, the farm pony confessed raggedly, "Ah want you! Ah've touched mahself thinking about you too, of course Ah have! Ah wanted to jest pull you off your throne, shove you down and have you!" Applejack's cheeks flared hotly with mingled embarrassment and desire, her secretive, shameful fantasies flashing before her eyes.
"Then do it!" Lust flared in the alicorn's eyes. "I am right here for the taking!"
Applejack lunged. Magic surged around them as they tumbled to the ground, cushioning their fall into the dew-damp grass. Celestia left a trail of hot, stolen kisses up her neck as they fought for dominance, rolling this way and that, softly biting and gasping in the midst of the struggle. Celestia rolled atop Applejack and pinned her down by the shoulders, her crown abandoned in the grass, a wildness in her eyes as she breathed, "Got you."
"Hah! In your dreams," Applejack panted, pulling Celestia down atop her and twisting to force her down against the ground. Her own hat had long since been knocked free and her mane was a mess, dampened with dew and tugged loose of her ponytail to fall about her face.
"Yes. As I said, in my dreams," agreed Celestia huskily, her hips jerking beneath Applejack's thighs as she was visibly wracked by a tremor of arousal. "Fuck me, Applejack. I truly want this. I want you."
Wordlessly burying her head in the scented cloud of Celestia's mane, Applejack bit at the smooth curve where her neck joined her shoulder, rolling to the side and pulling the other mare with her to get at the fastener of her dress. Her own body was alight with sensation, a hallucinatory clarity to the moment as though she were tumbling off a cliff, every instant stretching out to a lifetime.
The damn fastener was stuck.
Applejack released a deep, frustrated groan into the other mare's shoulder, the tiny tab of the fastener slipping from between her fingers every time she tried to pull harder on it. Celestia giggled, reaching around to unfasten Applejack's bra.
"Having trouble?" she teased. "Do something about it. I dare you."
"You asked for it." Applejack rammed Celestia down onto her back once more, then grabbed two handfuls of her silken bodice and yanked hard. The alicorn gasped eagerly as the fabric tore without resistance, spilling the soft roundness of her huge breasts into the open.
Transfixed by the sheer undeniable beauty of the mare panting beneath her, Applejack stroked her fingertips gently over those glorious breasts, her own breathing growing deeper and slower. It was a sight that almost any pony in the realm would have given anything to see, and it was all hers, painted in the silver-blue of starlight.
She barely noticed as, in a haze of dim golden magic, her own bra was tugged down her arms, exposing her freckled tits. Leaning down, she let her breasts stroke against Celestia's, hard nipples brushing the other pony's as their lips met once more. Every whimper and gasp from the divine mare felt like a flick to her own clit, her tail jerking upwards with each spasm of pleasure.
"This feels so good... you're so pretty," she breathed roughly against Celestia's cheek, new-born emotion fluttering in her chest. "Thank you. Thank you for telling me."
Celestia's eyes closed, and she bit her lower lip, her back arching with each tremor of need that ran through her. "I nearly didn't. I scarcely had the nerve."
"But you did." Pushing herself onto all fours, Applejack kissed down Celestia's neck, feeling her own swaying breasts brush over the torn, crumpled dress around the Princess's waist as her mouth found the other mare's nipples. Supporting herself with one hand, she urgently, desperately kissed and sucked them, kneading and squeezing with her free hand. She'd slept with mares before - two of them - but each briefly, and each only once. It had never felt quite like this; like rediscovering herself for the first time. Celestia shuddered sweetly beneath her, arms around her, fingernails clawing softly at her broad back. The scent of the other pony's soft skin mingled with the aroma of crushed grass and fresh dew.
It felt like an act of worship. Not from a lesser to a greater, but something that encompassed both of them within itself. An act of love. Applejack's hips bucked against the air, instinctively trying to grind her hot, slick pussy against the rough fabric of the dungaree trousers she still wore. Paradoxical tears welled beneath her closed eyelids.
"Please," whispered Celestia. It could have meant anything. But Applejack knew, deep in her chest, what the elder pony was truly asking. Please don't go.
"Ah'm here," she breathed. "Ah'm right here." Sliding lower down the tall mare's beautiful body, Applejack pushed her rumpled dress up to expose the soft junction of her inner thighs. The divine pony's panties were a mere gesture, an oval opening trimmed with lace that exposed and highlighted her delicate lower lips rather than seeking to conceal.
"Oh, damn..." Applejack whispered. Nuzzling forwards, she tenderly kissed up Celestia's thigh, a secretive delight flaring within her at every whimper she teased from the other mare. A delicate scent wafted from her skin, some artificer's blend of coconut and ice cream layered over the softer, warmer scent of her body. Just for an instant, Applejack wished that she was Rainbow Dash, or some other confident pony that knew mares, a pony that wouldn't be clumsy with inexperience.
She closed her eyes, and began licking anyway.
Growing up, she'd worshipped the Princess from afar, like every other young pony in Equestria. As she'd matured and gotten to know the regal pony in person - a feat that her younger self couldn't have even dreamed of - Celestia had proven herself to be everything Applejack had ever imagined; endlessly wise, caring, kind and beautiful. The kind of beautiful that made ponies chisel statues in her honour, then despair of ever truly capturing more than a hint of her likeness.
Nothing could have prepared her for hearing that divine voice moaning her name.
Celestia's fingers wound into Applejack's mane, pulling her closer as the tall mare's hips bucked and jerked beneath the lashings of her tongue. Gripping the Princess's pale thighs roughly, Applejack tenderly lapped up and down her pussy, swirling her tongue over the bead of her clit, giddily desperate to keep urging fresh moans from the other pony's lips. Every breath filled her with Celestia's musk, every swipe of her tongue addicted her more deeply to the taste of her lover.
Some part of her had almost expected the Princess to taste sweet, for her body to be entirely different from the mere ponies she ruled. Instead, Celestia tasted... real, a subtly salty tanginess that was both like the other mares Applejack had lain with, and all her own.
"Fuck me, Applejack!" Celestia gasped again, her thighs tensing under Applejack's hands as she forced her pussy against the farm pony's mouth. "Let me feel your fingers inside me! Take me!"
Lifting her head a little, Applejack took a gulp of air and nodded, shoving a handful of her mane out of her face. She couldn't think of the words to reply; she was far beyond where they could take her. All she could do was shudder, her thighs pressing together, as she felt the soft, yielding wetness of Celestia's pussy part beneath her touch. One finger slid into the demigoddess without resistance; then another. Barely able to think straight, Applejack stopped trying to work out how to touch the other pony and just let herself do it, relying on the simpler instincts of her hands and mouth where nervousness and inexperience were failing her.
She lost herself in the moment, licking and sucking, her fingers curling and thrusting, feeling the beautiful mare beneath her respond so eagerly, so urgently, to her touch. Waves of pleasure coaxed louder and louder cries from Celestia's throat, until at last her head jerked back, spine arching against the rough ground, and a full-throated howl of pleasure rang out into the night.
Breathing heavily, Applejack pillowed her head on the other mare's thigh, gazing up at her face over the heavy peaks of her ivory breasts. A bright, trembling joy burned in her chest, knowing that she had made her lover feel good, that she'd made her happy. More than anything in the world, she wanted to make this impossible, wonderful mare happy. A ghost of her earlier awkwardness prompted her to ask softly, "So... that weren't too bad, then?"
Celestia let out a startled, incredulous laugh, then giggled. "...no. That was not bad at all. I fear I may have scared away the birds for miles around. There is a reason I keep a silencing ward on my bed chambers."
Oh.
"...you do this sort of thing a lot, then?"
"No," replied Celestia immediately, catching the wounded note in Applejack's voice. "It has been a very long time, and be assured that when I say such a thing, I mean it. But I do touch myself. Often. Lately, all about you... and I'm not quiet when I do it. Do you want to watch me sometime?"
There was a wonderfully husky note to the invitation, and Applejack felt herself redden as she pictured it. "...yeah. Could be nice. If Ah get to jump you when Ah can't take no more."
"I'd expect nothing else... and you, my beautiful pony, have been very patient. Get out of those dungarees, this instant. Consider it a royal command."
A wave of need crashed through Applejack from her neglected pussy, her ears roaring with the beat of her pulse. Yanking down her dungaree trousers and embarrassingly unsexy underwear together, grateful for the concealing darkness, she panted, "Got the impression you weren't gonna pull the whole Princess card with me."
"I can be a fickle bitch when there's something I really want," murmured Celestia philosophically, a grin on her soft lips that wouldn't have been out of place on a demon. "And I very much want you. On your back."
Naked now, her boots and clothes strewn around her on the grass, Applejack instinctively held her breath as Celestia inched closer, long legs intertwining with her own. The soft pressure of Celestia's pussy grazed hers, lightly at first, then more forcefully.
"Oh mah fuckin' stars," Applejack whispered, her skin burning hotly. Shifting her hips, she pushed back against Celestia, tentatively at first, then more roughly. In mere seconds she lost all control, a passenger in her own body as she mauled her own tits and flicked her nipples, thrusting and grinding against the other mare, utterly lost in pleasure as Celestia proved that she somehow knew every single movement that would drive her lover further out of her mind.
Her orgasm was like a hammer blow between the eyes, stunning in force. Choked gasps of agonised release fought their way from between her clenched teeth, her body convulsing over and over as Celestia expertly forced her into endless aftershocks. When at last the pleasure ebbed, she lay limp on the grass, barely able to breathe.
Celestia's face obscured the moon as the other mare leant forward, her magnificent tits swaying beneath her. "You cum very quietly," she said playfully. "Did I do badly?"
Sucking in a mouthful of air, Applejack managed, "Mah sister sleeps in the room next t'mine, mah brother's on the other side, and when it comes to that stuff, Granny could hear a pin drop on the other side of the farmhouse. That's some real powerful incentive to learn t'be quiet. Not sure Ah could make much noise now even if Ah wanted to."
"I hope you realise that I take that as a personal challenge," Celestia murmured, lowering her mouth to Applejack's freckled breasts as her hand sought out the slickness between the farm pony's legs.
The two lay naked and exhausted in the grass, manes in disarray, fingers intertwined. Applejack's head rested against the other mare's shoulder, her leg curled possessively over Celestia's. She hadn't known what to say for a while, but somehow, it was okay that she hadn't. Every thought that crossed her mind was either too trivial to mention, or too vast to be given voice.
That was amazing.
I've never felt like this.
I wish I'd washed my mane before you touched me for the first time.
I'm just a pony.
I want to deserve you.
Celestia's voice broke the hush, a mere murmur, laden with fondness. "The little show-off."
Applejack blinked, then followed the other mare's gaze upwards. The full moon poured down its pale radiance upon them, transforming the world into a stranger, more lovely place, while all around it, stars glittered in uncounted thousands. As she watched, a pair of comets streaked across the canvas of the sky.
The alicorn shook her head. "Yes, I love you too, Lulu."
"She can't... hear us, right? Or see us?" Applejack lifted her head slightly, glancing around as though the Princess of the Night might be lurking behind a bush. A thought which, as crazy as it seemed, wasn't completely off the table under the circumstances.
Running her hand over Applejack's broad back, Celestia kissed her ear and said teasingly, "If I tell you that she can, will you blush adorably for me again?"
Feeling her face heat reflexively, Applejack protested, "Hey, no fair!"
"Oh my, you will. That is far too cute. I may have to keep teasing you- ow!"
Pinching Celestia's nipple as she lightly twisted it, Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Well?"
"She can't. I just know that she wishes me - wishes us - well."
"...that's nice of her," murmured the farm pony, kissing the other mare's tender breast in apology. "She did good."
"Yes. I am going to have to thank her when I get back to the castle."
There was a note in Celestia's voice that made Applejack draw back slightly. "Are you... you're gonna leave now?"
"...yes. I'm sorry. I could come back tomorrow...?"
Celestia looked away, her teeth catching softly at her lower lip. The uncertain note in her voice hung in the air.
You were just a distraction. Just another notch on her bedpost. This is like with Vinyl, all over again...
Applejack shook her head, frowning. No. She knew lies when she heard them, and she knew the truth, and the voice inside her head, that was the liar here.
"...you better," she said firmly. "Ah've got a whole orchard t'do tomorrow, and Ah'm sure you'll get the hang of helping out quick enough."
Celestia blinked, then turned to look up at Applejack, seemingly at a loss for words. "You want me to help you pick apples?"
Applejack jabbed Celestia in the side with her forefinger. "Better believe it! You think you're gonna date me without getting your hands in the honest dirt, you best think again. And when we're done, well..." she trailed off, then muttered, "...Ah'll take you out f'r ice cream. Jest you and me. Together."
Moisture welled in the alicorn's eyes, glittering silver in the light of the moon and stars. "I would like that."
They kissed again, for a long time, as though each of them were desperate to carry away the taste of the other mare on her lips and neither were ready for the moment to end. And then, finally, the outside world came creeping back in, bringing with it the necessity of finding their scattered clothes in the dim light.
Giggling like school fillies, they searched.
"Can't find my bra. Think something might've stolen it. Reckon Ah've found your panties, though. If y'can call a half-inch of lace and a couple of straps that."
"Do you like them? I wore them just for you, in case... things went well," said Celestia coyly. "Maybe you should wear them home. They'd look good on you."
"Mebbe Ah will! That'll give you some trouble."
"It would hardly be the first time I've walked through the castle, or indeed through Canterlot, completely bare beneath my dress. I have to do something to keep myself entertained on civic occasions."
"...you rilly mean that, don't you? Tartarus's gate, Ah'm dating a pervert."
"I'm afraid so." Stepping into her dress, Celestia wriggled it up her legs, then tried to pull the ruined bodice over her chest. "Oh. Yes, I did dare you. This is quite destroyed."
Applejack paused, half-into her dungarees. "Seriously, that gonna be a problem f'r you?"
With a shrug, Celestia let the tatters of the bodice settle around her waist. "I will fly directly home. I should be fine, unless some amateur astronomer is out with a telescope and happens to see a different heavenly body than the one they were expecting."
"Nothing doing," said Applejack firmly. Shrugging out of her shirt, she bent down and pulled a stubby little blade from her boot, cutting a slit up the centre of the back without severing the collar or the hem. "There. C'mere."
Stepping up to Celestia, she gently wrapped the shirt around the taller mare's shoulders, easing her wings through the slit. The sleeves were a little short; she unrolled the cuffs, letting them hang loose around Celestia's slim wrists.
"...you didn't have to do that. What will you wear now?" said Celestia softly.
"Ah'll manage. You're mah gal, and Ah'm gonna look after you." Tugging up the dangling straps of her dungarees, Applejack pulled up the front panel and looked down at herself speculatively; her freckled tits were scarcely covered, her areola threatening to slip into view with her every breath, but even though she was offering an unparalleled view of her cleavage, she was technically decent.
"There," she said stubbornly. "Ah'm fine."
Celestia breathed out a long, soft sigh of appreciation as she gazed at her, lips parted, eyes half-lidded. "Applejack-"
"Reckon after all that, y'can call me AJ," Applejack interrupted.
"And you may address me as Princess Celestia, Herald of the Dawn, former Regent of the Moon, the Living Sun," returned the alicorn smoothly. She paused, then looked briefly rueful as she caught Applejack's expression. "Don't you dare. Please. If you like, Luna calls me Tia."
"...Tia," murmured Applejack, tasting the sound of it. She could have never imagined she'd be in a position to address one of the Princesses that way, but somehow... it made it easier. "Tia," she said again, nodding decisively. "Ah like it."
Celestia coloured, a flush of happy embarrassment darkening her cheeks. "It's good to hear you say it. And as I was saying... AJ, if you turned up in Canterlot wearing that, I really would fuck you right there in the throne room, and delegate the scandal for Luna to sort out."
A happy shiver thrummed through Applejack's body, her tail hiking higher. "Stars above, there is something about hearing you say 'fuck' like that that just gets me going like y'wouldn't believe."
"Oh really... then tomorrow, after I help out with the orchard, and you reward me with an ice cream date, I would like to come back to your home and fuck. I would simply love to fuck until neither of us can stand. You did boast of your endurance, and I think it's time you proved it."
A low groan of need escaped Applejack's lips, her nipples stiffening against the rough denim that so precariously covered her breasts. "...Ah'll hold you to that," she whispered huskily. "You still owe me a forfeit."
"I'd expect nothing less. And AJ... I have noticed a certain special interest of yours. Be sure you have plenty of rope."
The night-time breeze pushed against Applejack's body, tingling on her bare skin, and starlight lit her way across the fields as she drifted back towards Ponyville.
Long after she'd finally located her crown and taken wing - having playfully threatened to make Applejack's hat her new royal regalia in its place - Celestia's words echoed around the farm pony's head. Words of tenderness, of desire, of fear. Words of love. The words of a mare that feared she might never again find it within herself to speak her heart's truth if she held anything back.
Words that Applejack couldn't match yet. It was all so sudden! She wasn't ready for her heart to have been turned so swiftly upside down, wasn't ready for the newly-kindled adoration burning sweetly within her. What if all of this ended as quickly as it came?
No. It wouldn't, because she'd fight for it. Both of them would. Wouldn't be easy, she knew that. Celestia knew it too; the fear of that was an ever-present thing, lurking on her shoulder. It wasn't going to be easy. But if they gave it their all...
"Don't you leave me, either," she whispered into the night. "Don't you go stealing a girl's heart."
Author's Note
The party was still in full swing, even into the early hours. Half of Ponyville seemed to be wending in and out of the crystal castle, and the Mayor was in the midst of a drunken campaign speech to a pot plant.
"She's not coming, is she," sighed Cobalt.
"I'm not going to speculate on her romantic encounters. That's unprofessional," replied Blackstone virtuously.
Punching his fellow guard in the shoulder, Cobalt looked around himself, then shrugged. "I guess we join the party."
"Or we could find a bed." The look on Blackstone's face as his gaze trailed over Cobalt was now far from virtuous. "We should follow our Princess's example in word and deed, right?"
"How many times do I have to tell you, not when we're on duty?" Cobalt hesitated, then nodded. "But... this is our day off. Alright. I'm sold."
Hand in hand, they wandered into the castle.
-
This is all Dirty Little Secret's fault. They sprung a surprise category at the last minute in their writing contest, Celestia/any of the Mane Six except Twilight, and I just had to hammer something out. Trimmed it down a little, and managed to sneak in just under the 10k limit. Most of it was actually written at night, sitting in the garden with my work laptop. It was a lot of fun to just throw a ship at the wall and see what stuck!
Many thanks to Equimorto, DbzOrDie and Fylifa for last-minute suggestions and proofing.
