Taming Strange. Or: How I learned to stop worrying and make love in public

Roané Haycartes rose at dawn as was his custom no matter how late he stayed up or how hung over he felt. He had decided on a plan of action. He would go to his morning classes as usual then spend the afternoon with Wordsmith learning how to woo a mare.

He had just finished his morning classes, and he trotted into his dorm ready to attack the task at hand. He looked to his still sleeping dormmate and wondered to himself how the pony managed to sleep so long. "Wordsmith!" He called in his hard voice. "Rise friend, it is time for you to teach me how to love."

Wordsmith's eyes didn't open, rather shutting harder. He pulled the blankets over his head and mumbled. " We've discussed your lack of tact in phrasing old colt." He rolled away from his friend.

The earth pony yanked the blankets off of the unicorn, who covered his head with his hooves and mumbled something about a painful death. "Come Wordsmith, you said you would help me write missives, and now is the time to do so."

The groggy poet fumbled without looking through the papers in his desk with his hoof until he found the right one. "Here." he said, handing the awakener a scented slip of paper. "Write your name on that and she's all yours." He reclaimed his blankets with his magic and dumped them unceremoniously in a pile on himself. "Good day sir."

The fillysopher's eyes darted across the page. His face went from his usual resting mule face, to a look of confusion, to anger, to disgust, then finally back to anger. "This is terrible," the earth pony spat. "You expect me to woo anypony with this much less her?"

Wordsmith was instantly on his hooves. "You forget yourself sir!" the wounded poet barked. "That page is a masterful demonstration of the romantic art. You sir, who have no romance in your soul, have no grounds to critique it."

"We've never even made love, so half of it doesn't even make sense! And I never mentioned her perfume," the fillysopher yelled. The two were forehead to forehead battling for dominance.

The residents of the entire Hall of dormitories were cowering in fear. They didn't like it when Mommy and Daddy fought, at least not while they're sober. All the doors were closed and locked so nopony noticed when the Angel of RCU strolled gracefully in. Picturesque heard the argument and pressed herself against the outside doorway to listen. "What in blazes are they so piqued about?" She wondered to herself.

"You expect me to give the most beautiful pony in Equestria recycled, cliched, insincere drivel. Save that for your disinterested flings my friend, do not give it to the pony that robs my mouth of its words, and the air from my lungs. "

Wordsmith was livid but that last line gave him an idea. "Well then what should one say to your little crush then? Since suddenly you're the romantic expert, you tell me! What's so different about this harpist of yours?" He surreptitiously levitated a quill to the page on the table, without breaking eye contact.

"How dare you reduce this sensation to a mere trifle! That pony robbed me of my senses, destroyed my world and rebuilt it in her image, tore my soul asunder. Don't you dare defile this devotion with your unhallowed tongue!"

Wordsmith hadn't lost a word, but he needed the fillysopher turned romantic to continue. He baited him on further. "Oh you exaggerate dear fellow. I have it on good authority that there are more attractive mares than her. What about that nice little unicorn I set you up with a while back?"

Haycartes' eyes flamed. "There is no comparison to be had! Did the gods themselves shape that unicorn? Does that unicorn's hoof falls grace the ground she walks on? When that unicorn speaks does all of creation stop just to hear a word from those divine lips?"

Picturesque was speechless. Her hooves pressed against her mouth in shock. The forgotten disciplinary note crumpled against her muzzle. She was on the verge of tears at this romantic outpouring. She knew all the old romantic tales of her homeland, but whispered amours didn't compare to having a stallion's love roared for any to hear.

The shouting, secret dictation, and eaves dropping would have continued indefinitely but right then is when Sawbones had the misfortune to finish his volunteering at the campus clinic. He trotted up, eyes focused on a pile of papers he was supposed to help his professor grade. "I swear why can't doctors ever wr~."

His complaint was cut short by him noticing Picturesque pressed against the doorframe, staring at him in shock at being discovered. Sawbones stopped in the open doorway unable to speak, breath caught in his throat. Picturesque begged with her hooves folded for him not to discover her to them, but he pointed with his hoof desperately, looking from the eaves dropper to the debaters.

"You don't know what it's like to be in agony wanting to pour out an ocean of love with words, and not being able to speak." Haycartes barked.

"Guys." Sawbones finally managed to squeak.

"Oh and I'm sure you do? Tell me how is it then? Enlighten me." Wordsmith mocked. He had noticed Sawbones, but this was too important. He may never get a chance like this again and couldn't afford to waste it.

"Guys!" The medical student managed with a bit more volume.

"It's mind boggling! Every nerve in your body is screaming run, but every ounce of you're soul is saying stay at the same time!"

"GUYS!" Sawbones finally getting his breath back shouted.

"WHAT?!" Both arguers shouted at once. The scrubs green unicorn limply pointed at the hidden mare. "She's standing right there isn't she?" Both again asked at exactly the same time. Sawbones nodded once. Haycartes had his back to the door but he didn't need to look to know it was true. He suffered sudden onset of rigor mortis and fell over stiff as a board.

Picturesque shoved the remembered disciplinary action form into Sawbones hooves and flew out the window. Wordsmith sighed heavily. "The one time I take the pains to write something down, and it's superfluous. I'm still charging you for the dictation!" He joked at his catatonic roommate.