Taming Strange. Or: How I learned to stop worrying and make love in public

Princess Celestia, sun goddess of Equestria, and sole ruler for the last thousand years nodded her regal head at the dignitaries from Griffonstone. Her senior advisor Artiquitus appeared silently next to her, as was his way, and levitated his clipboard over to her. "And that's the last one your highness. And fifteen minutes earlier than yesterday."

The Princess rose and stretched. Her days always started before dawn, since she caused the dawn, and fifteen minutes was a rare gift. "You may close the court gentlecolts." She said to the two unicorn guards at the large doors. They started to close them, but Celestia saw somepony sitting on the long waiting benches outside her court.

"Hold!" Celestia called out. She spoke softly to her advisor. "Artiquitus you said the griffon dignitaries were the last ones."

The advisor scrambled through his notes. "W-w-well your highness they were the last ones on the schedule I mean."

"Well who's that sitting there? What's he here about?" The princess whispered.

The assistant flipped through a comically large ream of paper on his clipboard. He reached the second to last page and trailed with his hoof down the page. "Uuum apparently his name is Roan E Hay Carts? He's here abouuuuut."

The princess put a large gold shooed hoof on his clip board. "Artiquituuus?" She asked in a rising tone of reproach. "How long has he been there?"

Artiquitus swallowed hard. "Uuum." He looked at the date of the request for an audience. "T-t-two weeks your highness." Haycartes had spent two weeks getting something to eat before dawn, waiting all day long in the hall outside the audience chamber until he was asked to leave, then getting something to eat and sleeping outside the castle to try again tomorrow.

The princess facehoofed. "Artiquitus." The assistant trembled under the gaze of the sun goddess. "Okay new policy. If a pony sits waiting for an audience for more than a week they get first audience the next day. Got it."

The assistant's quill scribbled furiously. "Yes your highness."

"Now then." Celestia let her regal intimidation die down and reassumed her genial air. "Now what business does he bring."

He had to flip to the last page on the clipboard. "Ah here it is. Corruption in his University's hierarchy."

The princess, Paragon of regal placidity, rolled her eyes. "Oh delightful, right at the end of the day I get somepony whining about their professor's a meanie bo beanie." She groaned inwardly but assumed her Royal game face, her voice light but noble said. "Show him in please."

The guards opened the large doors and Haycartes was shown in. The princess noticed his stern countenance and thought it looked out of place on one so young. "Greetings my beloved subject." She called out in her soft pleasant voice.

"Ave Dominas Sola." He said in his harsh tone as he knelt low. Celestia's eyebrow raised ever so slightly, much to Artiquitus' concern. She hadn't heard the olde tongue since Star Swirl had drilled it into her head all those centuries ago, and it was a dead tongue even then. This young pony's courtesy bellied his age.

"I understand you have some concerns about your University." Impressed as she was with his greeting she was genuinely dreading the conversation to come.

For the second time in two sentences she was surprised by the sour faced earth pony. "No your highness. I have concerns about YOUR University. The princess' eyebrow raised again.

Artiquitus watched the princess' visage all day every day. He had written an entire guide to the princess' body language. The most emotion she'd shown in his tenure was the corner of her mouth drooping one quarter of an inch when the Dragon Lord had threatened war. So to see her eyebrow actually factually rise in surprise terrified him to his core.

"My princess, it is my unfortunate duty as a citizen of Equestria and a subject of the crown to inform you that your University, the institution that is under your direct headship, is corrupt to its very core. Its faculty are selected not based on merit, but on proximity to its leadership. Its leadership maintains itself by intimidation, extortion and nepotism."

The princess tensed slightly. This wasn't just another whining trust fund brat trying to bully his way into a job, this was a pony on a mission. She sat forward slightly on her throne.

"From the moment I paid my hundred thousand bits, I have been.-"

"YOU PAID HOW MUCH?!" Celestia blurt out causing her assistant to drop his clipboard, and the guards trained their spears on the earth pony. The princess put her hoof to her mouth in embarrassment. "Please excuse me. A moment please." She stepped off of her throne and signaled her assistant to follow.

They stepped into a soundproof room behind a curtain that artiquitus had never seen used. He was beyond terror at this point. He held up his clipboard as a shield when the princess, the same princess who sent her sister to the moon when she crossed her, rounded on him.

"Artiquituuus." She said through clenched teeth. She lowered his clipboard to look him in the eye. "Why does a University that is maintained at my personal expense cost a hundred thousand bits to attend? The tuition cost is supposed to be a formality."

Artiquitus' voice shook like a leaf in the wind. "I -i-i wouldn't k-k-know your highness. The t-t-tuition is set by the University. I don't know anything about it." The princess exhaled nasally in discontent. She resumed her place in her throne and nodded for her supplicant to continue.

"My princess I have here.-" He retrieved the congratulation letter out of his paper thin saddlebag. "Irrefutable proof of nepotism committed by one Grasping Hoof, Dean of your University."

Celestia thought to herself. "Who the fuck is Grasping Hoof? I thought the Dean was Pompin Circumstance." She levitated the letter out of his hoof and read as he spoke.

Canterlot had the very best weather sorcerers in Equestria, so it was very concerning to all involved when a thunder head rolled off of Mount Neighverest and burst over Canterlot Castle.

"I was given this position without the requisite degrees, training, or experience, for no other reason than I am the fiancee of the Dean's daughter."

The princess once again stood up and went to her private room. She shut the door in Artiquitus' face. Instead of rage she felt only crushing guilt. "How could I have missed such corruption right under my own horn. In my own backyard." She thought of her old mentor Star Swirl the bearded. The University he'd established in her name. It was to be the focal point of all wisdom and knowledge in Equestria, now fallen to such a lowly state.

She straitened up, a look of determination written across her face. She opened the sliding door and her assistant sidled in sheepishly. "Artiquitus rally the guards, cancel all my appointments until further notice. Place Royal Canterlot University under siege. Nopony in or out. Bring this Grasping Hoof to me NOW. This situation needs.-" She looked at him with a face of righteous fury. "Mending."

He stood there too terrified to move until her eyes narrowed on him and her voice raised ever so slightly. "Go!" He scrambled out tripping over himself. She breathed deeply trying to calm herself to a manageable level. She trotted back out and resumed her throne.

"Please go on my faithful subject." She picked the letter back up and reread it.

"Thank you your highness. I say again that the Dean attempted to assign me to this position not because of my competence to fulfill my duty in this position, but as a means to provide for his daughter. A noble cause, but an absolute abuse of power none the less, and any position you could name is the same-"

"Pardon me sir." The princess interrupted. She saw the salary listed on the letter and it struck her that this odd earth pony was turning down a salary of one hundred thousand bits per annum. She looked hard at him. She could tell this odd pony was the kind who could think of a lot of uses for one hundred thousand bits.

"Am I to understand you turned down a handsome salary, in complete disregard for your own advantage?" Celestia said rising.

"Personal advantage is not a factor your highness. I am not competent to fulfill the duty assigned. It would be a bad career choice at best and an act of treason against the study of fillysophy, Equestria, and your highness at worst." He said bowing.

Celestia was floored. She descended her throne. "Kneel please." Haycartes did so without hesitation. "For notorious service to the realm and your princess I dub you." She said placing her long white horn on his left shoulder. She stopped right in the middle of the ceremony. This was awkward. "Umm what was your name again sir?"

"Roané Haycartes your highness." He said not rising.

"I dub you Sir Roané Haycartes. Knight of Equestria. Rise." He did so and Celestia resumed her throne. "Never before have I seen a pony with such a profound sense of morality. I can think of nopony better to manage the fillysophers of Equestria than you."

"Far be it from me to refuse an order from your highness, but I say again I have not the requisite degrees for this position." Celestia internally facehoofed. Because of course he would. If he wouldn't take the job from his father in law to be why would he take it from her, stick in the mud.

Her composure didn't falter as she tried to reason with him. "And what if you were tested for the degrees you need? Would you accept the position then?" The princess was delighted to finally get a reaction out of the sour faced pony. He hadn't flinched at being knighted, but now his eyes were wide and his breathing was labored.

"I-i-if you wish it your highness." He bowed stiffly.

Celestia was satisfied. Her assistant reentered and whispered to her. "Your highness, I've done as you've ordered, the University had been besieged, but umm.-" His voice faltered. "We can't find the Dean."

Celestia for the second time in her life burst out reflexatorily. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FIND HIM!" Echoed through the audience hall.

Haycartes spoke up. "Pardon me your highness, but he has fled. I don't know where he is but he's neither at his penthouse, nor at his country house. He resigned from his position of Dean two weeks ago and left."

The princess' rage was momentarily redirected. "Why would he do that?" She asked.

Haycartes cleared his throat. "He was very upset with his daughter's choice of mate?" He cleared his throat again. "We made a bit of a scene."

The princess raised an eyebrow, but then her eyes shot open with recognition. She leaned forward staring at him intensely. "You're the pony who.-" She slapped a hoof over her mouth.

Haycartes' face flushed but his expression remained implacable. "Yes your highness. I apologize for the disturbance."

Celestia stood up quickly, her face blank. She walked slowly to her private room. The door closed behind her and she stood still for several seconds. A smile slowly crept into the corner of her mouth. The room filled with a seething his, then a chuckle, then a roaring guffaw. She sank to her knees and laughed until her sides hurt.

This was too perfect. This odd odd pony had punished him worse than anything she could've done. She didn't have to lift a hoof. There was nothing she could do to him that was worse than having his daughter taken in front of him, and it was so bad that he had already resigned so she didn't have to fire him. She laughed herself out and did her best to put her princess face on.

Celestia reentered the audience chamber, regal smile reassumed. "Sir Roané, I thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. We'll get with you about when you can be tested for your professorship. I wish you luck." Haycartes' bowed low and went back to the country house and to his mare.

Royal Canterlot University was surrounded by the princess' guards for a full three weeks. Celestia herself interrogated each and every professor to root out any who didn't meet her standards. The students were allowed free movement throughout the campus but were not permitted to leave.

Half of the faculty was fired on the spot, and a few were vindicated for maintaining their faithfulness under the regime of Grasping Hoof. A certain literature professor was summarily executed for. [REDACTED] Griffons were released to their families. [REDACTED] Largest ring of. [REDACTED] A certain history professor, just arrived from Prançe and full of a healthy hatred for Neighpoleon, saw the guards from a distance and didn't stop running until he was back in Prançe.

Many students and faculty didn't actually live on campus so a makeshift refugee camp was established in the main courtyard. Food for the cafeteria was delivered under heavy guard. One thing that was critically lacking to all involved, a comfort that no University can go long without, was alcohol. A certain unicorn of our acquaintance tried unsuccessfully to bribe one of the younger guards to go purchase him some cider.

Wordsmith sighed heavily as he got comfortable next to Sawbones. "The princess somehow found the only guards in history who are absolutely unbribable."

Sawbones placed his head on his lover's chest. "She's in a mood Smithy. Not a good time to be caught as a corrupt pony."

Because the students had been encouraged to stay in their dorms as much as possible, not to mention classes being cancelled, the new couple had a lot of time to talk, whenever their mouths weren't busy. Sawbones had told Wordsmith that he didn't mind if he still saw mares and tackled the poet upon receiving the reply.

"Oh Boney, do you really know me so poorly? What do you think I've been so troubled about of late. The thing is that now that I have you, I don't want to anymore." He had gotten around to calling him his lover but neither felt a particular need to tell anypony else.

The faculty was cleaned out from top to bottom. Celestia herself took over as Dean until a more suitable pony could be appointed. Haycartes took his fillysophy tests and passed with flying colours. He missed only two questions, one of which he argued with the tester and was changed to correct.

Celestia appointed him as head of head of the now much smaller fillysophy department and charged him to write a new curriculum, which he immediately had to scrap and rewrite with cooperation from the rest of the fillysophy professors as none of them knew what half of the curriculum he created was talking about.

The siege was finally lifted after a full twenty two days and students eagerly vacated the campus to go be literally anywhere else. Haycartes and Picturesque walked hoof in hoof towards his old dorm to gather his textbooks to return when they saw Wordsmith and Sawbones walking towards them. They made eye contact and the poet charged towards the professor. "Oh no."

"What ever is the matter mon amour?" Picturesque asked.

"I was rather rude in the last conversation I had with Wordsmith. I believe he's still mad." He disconnected from his mare and stood head erect, ready to receive whatever punishment his friend felt he deserved.

"But mon amour that is the pony who brought me to you in the hospital." Haycartes' head snapped towards her in surprise one second before he was tackled.

Wordsmith shook him about violently as he shouted. "THE ABSOLUTE MAD LAD WENT AND FUCKIN DID IT!" He was swarmed by a mob of cheering students and was raised into the air. He shouted for them to put him down but Wordsmith positively refused. "Nope you're getting your parade and you're gonna like it!" He laughed.

They carried him all the way to the Breached Barrel where cider and stories flowed freely. The four sat at their usual table "Wait a moment! No! I don't believe you! You told the sun goddess no when she appointed you? Really old colt that is too much even for you?"

"I told her I didn't have the requisite degrees and she had me tested. Now that I am qualified for the position I'm happy to accept." Roané said, sipping his pint. "So what did you two do the whole time you were stuck on campus?"

Sawbones chuckled to himself mischievously and Wordsmith's face got progressively redder. "Well umm you see about that umm. Well old colt what I mean to say is umm err well." He looked up and away. "Boney you tell him."

Sawbones rolled his eyes but couldn't help but smile. He took the other unicorn's hoof in his and said. "Carte we're in love."

Picturesque's hooves snapped to her mouth in surprise. Haycartes' expression didn't change. "I know." He sipped his pint.

The other three ponies stared at him in shock. "Umm how did you know? We hadn't told anypony?"

"Well nopony's business but yours I suppose." Haycartes said unconcerned.

"No I mean this just happened a few weeks ago how could you have known? You haven't been here." The poet said, voice rising.

Haycartes' eyebrow raised slightly"Really? I thought you two were always together?"

Both unicorns shouted "NO!"

"What the Discord would make you think that?" Wordsmith growled.

Haycartes looked up with thought. "Theee constant physical contact, the fact that he calls you Smithy, the fact that you spend every Sunday afternoon on a hillside frequented by lovers." He looked at Wordsmith remembering another point. "Your mane."

Wordsmith spluttered with rage but Sawbones couldn't help but laugh. "See he saw it, why couldn't you."

"NOT. RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. BONEY!" Wordsmith shouted. Their conversation was halted when Picturesque sprang from the table to the mare's room. "I say! What's wrong with her."

She exited the mare's room holding her stomach. "Forgive me, I don't know what's wrong with me. I've felt ill disposed for the last two weeks straight." She rejoined the table and Haycartes put his foreleg around her.

Sawbones said casually over his pint. "Sounds like you're pregnant." Picturesque sprang into the air squealing. Haycartes eyes went wide, then out of focus.

Picturesque wrapped her forelegs around her stallion. "Oh n'est-ce pas merveilleux mon amour? She noticed he wasn't moving. "Mon amour tu n'es pas excité?" She tapped his shoulder and he fell over, legs stiff as a board.

"You know I almost missed that." Wordsmith chuckled. "Apropos well done! Your little display caused quite the scandal."

Picturesque looked at the poet confused. "What display my good sir."

Sawbones leaned forward. "Your little scene at the restaurant." The unicorns raised their glasses in toast.

Picturesque went white as a sheet. She whispered intensely. "You heard about that?"

"My Lady, everypony heard about that. It was in all the papers." Wordsmith chuckled. Picturesque started to sway and Sawbones caught her in his magic before she could fall over. "Now we're even." He said and the unicorns toasted.

The expecting couple made their way to Mareseilles that their foal may be born in Picturesque's homeland. Her mother was terribly fond of Haycartes for his victory over her ex husband. Picturesque had to fend her off constantly shouting. "Celui-ci est à moi!"
The two were wed in a small ceremony on her mother's estate and about ten months later a pink bow was tied around a new charcoal grey earth pony filly.

"Mon amour?" Picturesque cooed in her sweetest maternal voice.

"Yes my l-" He was stopped by a pair of wings wrapping around his throat.

"Si vous lui dites comment elle est devenue, je vous enterrerai personnellement. Comprenez vous." She growled in a voice Haycartes had never heard her speak in before. A wing shot out and a pinion stuck deep into the wall. Haycartes only nodded. "Good." She pecked his cheek.

Octavia, as she was called, was handed gently to Roané and the world went runny around the edges. He looked at his precious little bundle and thought how fragile she was. He thought about his duty to provide for and protect her. He thought about his responsibility to foster her growth as a pony and as a citizen of Equestria. He thought. "How could anypony ever want to abandon something like this?" He thought maybe just maybe he should be a little bit salty about his parents leaving him.

"Nah that's stupid." He decided, and held his family in his forelegs. For the first time in thirteen years he had a family. In less than two years he'd gone from having nothing and nopony, to being the head of the fillysophy department at the single most prestigious University in Equestria, married, and having a foal.

It was a very productive time for him.