Frenefits

Numb.

That is the one word that Pinkie could use to describe how she felt after her talk with Jason: Numb.

She didn’t understand at first why he was telling her all the things he was, some of them he had already told her about before, and she could also tell there were some details he was leaving out. She also noticed that when he retold her some events,they were with some added details he had neglected before.

The more he talked and told her, the stronger the sense of foreboding dread in the back of her mind grew, and yet she couldn’t quite explain why. It was like every word he said was giving her a puzzle piece, and the more she got, the more she could see the full picture, only to soon realize what it was and losing the desire to finish the horrible depiction.

Despite what she wanted, it would be finished nonetheless.

Once Jason was finished, Pinkie having intently been listening quietly and patiently, any thoughts or emotions failed her. What he was trying to tell her was obvious after a point, yet she refused to believe it, she didn’t want to. It wasn’t until he blatantly told her that she and Diane were one and the same that the truth sunk in.

Even at the end she attempted to deny it, trying to find a fault in the explanation Diane had supposedly given him. However, considering two of her best friends were talking horses, or the fact that she’d fought both megalomaniac demons and mythological sirens, it wasn’t that terribly unbelievable.

Not just that, but something inside her was telling her it was...right. Maybe some part of her had always known the truth, a possibility she had always considered since it answered too many questions. Now that she was being forced to face a reality she had been repressing, it was impossible for the pink party planner to be willingly oblivious to it anymore.

Without a single word, she got to her feet and walked out of the aisle, not even giving Jason another glance. She didn’t know what expression he was making or how he felt, just that he didn’t try to stop her.

She didn’t bother going to the rest of her classes, her mind was akin to radio static as she could not form a single thought, trying to learn anything would have been pointless. She should have tried to tell her friends that she was leaving, she knew they’d be worried about her. The thing stopping her was the fact that if she tried to, she’d have to think to type in words, and right now she didn’t want to think.

At the moment, she was on total auto-pilot, she wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to stay like that.

On her way home in her car, she started getting...flashes, was the only way she could explain it. It was strikingly similar to that whole incident with Sunset and the memory stone, when Wallflower caused her and everyone else to forget her until all the memories came back.

Instead of that, it was...much more like reexperiencing events she didn’t remember experiencing, or finally recalling a dream from months ago her brain had been hell-bent on forgetting.

They started once she pulled into the driveway, which she was admittedly thankful for as they were increasingly distracting and painful. It started with the first night that Diane manifested, the confusion and misunderstanding.

Then came the drinking, the taste of cold alcohol burning down her throat, so vivid she could almost feel the heat in her cheeks and warmth in her chest at that moment.

The smoking, the raw taste of burning and ash in her mouth as her lungs filled with charcoal like gas, so lucid her throat itched with a strong desire to cough.

The worst part was the emotions. The dread. The pain. The angst. The anger. The guilt. All the negative feelings she had been pushing down and forced onto Diane were coming back to her full force, and it was mentally agonizing.

She managed to ignore it until she got up to her room, glad her parents weren’t home and her siblings were still at school. Once she got there, she collapsed onto the bed, clutching her head in her hands and grinding her teeth as the memories and emotions bombarded her. Soon she began to remember Randal, the man who she gave everything to out of desperation to give her life meaning. The raw shame she felt when she offered herself to him, and him using her like a toy.

Pinkie began to feel new guilt and shame, for having shoved all these emotions down onto Diane, to have made her suffer like that. She couldn’t deny that she was obscenely upset about Diane having used her body like that, however she also couldn’t deny that by redirecting all of her anguish and her urge to make people happy over to her, she was at least partly to blame.

Things became easier when recollections of more recent events came to mind. The first time she met Jason in that alleyway, where her relationship with him truly started. Even with the knowledge she had now, it was impossible for her to tell if her feelings for him were truly her own, or had been transferred from Diane.

Everything else came blasting with a mixture of emotions: The first night she spent with Jason, the rapture of being intimate and valued by someone else. It was unlike anything she’d experienced before, and was leagues better than anything with Randal.

Then came the things that happened after. When Diane broke down and told Jason the truth, and how much it had been hurting her with what she’d been doing with Pinkie’s body. Any latent resentment she might have towards her shifted to sympathy at how blatantly sorry and regretful she was. It made it difficult to hold a grudge.

Everything after that was relatively positive. The night of confessions between the two, and then the second night of passion they shared, and lastly the events of that morning in Jason’s apartment. All the emotions, which at first were from her originally, had become Diane’s, and she had reexperienced them as if they were her own.

All the blanks in her memories had been filled, even the ones she didn’t know were empty. Every night of binging alcohol and smoking, every night with Randal, the recent events with Jason, and all the pain and bliss that came with it. There were no gaps or questions anymore, she knew everything Diane did, though it didn’t help to ease her torment.

She wasn’t sure when, but sometime during the onslaught of memories she had closed her eyes and pushed her head into her pillow pile. Pinkie wasn’t able to focus on anything but her thoughts, blocking out everything else. Tears had rolled down her face even when she didn’t recall crying, the numbness from before fading away and revealing the cacophony of emotions she had been suppressing for far too long.

“...Hey…”

Pinkie’s eyes snapped open at the sudden voice. It was weak, feminine, and petrifyingly familiar, yet she couldn’t place where she’d heard it from. She raised her head and scanned the room with her eyes, she had them half open since the light burned them a bit. She couldn’t see anyone else, she appeared to be completely alone in the room.

“...Over here…”

She shifted her head towards the sound of the voice, this time it sounded somewhat muffled, and was coming from her wardrobe.

“Oh, great, I’ve finally lost it. First I find out I have a second personality, and now my clothes are talking to me, fantastic!” Pinkie said with mock exuberance, letting out a hollow chuckle as she wiped the tears off her face.

She hopped off the bed, walking towards the wardrobe fueled by a sense of curiosity and a desire to distract herself from her thoughts. She grabbed the handles of the wardrobe, pulling it open without an ounce of hesitation. Pinkie wasn’t entirely sure what she was expecting, her clothes now having faces, wearing big, eager smiles and wanting to talk with her? That was certainly not the case thankfully , her clothes were as faceless as always.

She was much more taken aback by what she saw when she glanced into the mirror.

She saw her reflection, but it was...different, distorted to an extent. She was wearing the same clothes, but the changes were evident in everything else. Her pink skin was much duller, and her hair wasn’t curly at all, but silky straight. The thing that bothered her the most was that the reflection wasn’t actually how she looked. She brought her hand up to her hair and ran it through, and while it wasn’t as puffy as usual, it was still about how it always was.

A second glance made her realize exactly what it was she was gazing at, she looked like Diane.

The reflection waved its hand, flashing her a sheepish smile, the corner of her lips shaking. “Hi, Pinkie. It’s...nice to finally meet you in person, kinda.”

For the second time that day, Pinkie’s mind turned to static at the sheer weight of trying to process what was happening, though she recovered a lot quicker this time. She knew the person she was looking at was Diane, all the pictures she’d seen of her before were undeniable proof of that. The newfound knowledge that Diane is the embodiment of all of Pinkie’s pain made this meeting she’d been wanting so much more...surreal.

“I…” Pinkie stammered as she tried to form a response, this being the first time she could actually talk to her zealous doppelganger. “You know...I had already planned out an entire party for when I finally met you. Seems pointless now, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m…” Diane’s friendly facade faded, the awkwardness of technically being the same person and trying to have a conversation made it hard to keep up the usual pleasantries of socialization. “Sorry, I know how much you like your parties.”

Pinkie suddenly found herself on the floor, not even noticing her legs were shaking when she walked to the wardrobe, her knees buckling and giving out as she collapsed. She wasn’t quite sure why. They didn’t hurt or feel particularly weak, physically, she felt fine. Emotionally, on the other hand, ‘distraught’ would have been on the bottom of adjectives she’d use to describe her current mental state.

She felt the immeasurable weight of guilt from forcing everything onto Diane like that, but, as much as she hated it, she still held some shards of animosity towards her. She sympathized with her, yet the fact that she did permanent damage to Pinkie’s body wasn’t something she could ignore. Pinkie was also experiencing a strange sense of relief and happiness. Part of her was absolutely terrified that the real reason Jason turned her down because he didn’t like her, finding out it was because he already developed feelings for a different side of her was strange, but better.

There was a plethora of other emotions she was experiencing beneath the surface, but those were the most prominent and strongest in that moment.

“Hey…” Pinkie raised her head at Diane’s words, finding her vision had started getting blurry again from tears. She could make out that Diane was pushing against the mirror with her hands pressing on it, like she was on the other side of a window. Her eyebrows were knitted and pulled together, her smile now a deep frown as concern was etched on her face. “Are you okay?”

Diane paused as she lowered herself, seemingly trying to hide the frustration at the fact that she couldn’t physically comfort her. “Yeah, It’s just…” Pinkie brought her hands to her face and began wiping her eyes. “A lot to take in, y’know? Like, your friends turning into demons and learning there’s an alternate dimension where there are talking ponies that can use magic is one thing. Learning you’ve been living a double life that’s so secretive that you aren’t even aware of is...kind of crazy, and that means tons coming from me!”

“Trust me, I get it. I’m probably the only person who understands.”

Diane’s voice lowered, awkwardly rubbing her shoulder and glancing to the side. Despite the fact that they were the same person, they didn’t share thoughts, but Pinkie knew what was on her mind, because she felt the same way. It was difficult for them to talk, not because they didn’t know what to talk about, but the opposite.

They both had so many questions to ask, so many things they could talk about, it was impossible to choose. Pinkie in particular wanted to ask about Jason, to ask her her reasons why she fell in love with him to see if they were different, it was the only way she could really know whether their feelings for Jason were the same or not. However, she was afraid of doing so, of the revelations that might come from that.

She saw Diane’s chest rise and fall as she took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she tried to compose herself. She opened them and turned to Pinkie, resolve behind her eyes and an unwavering determination.

“Pinkie, I...can’t put into words how sorry I am for...well, everything. The damage I’ve done to your body, Randal, and even Jason. I care about him a lot, but...I shouldn’t have done anything with him, especially not after you developed feelings for him too. He...I ju-”

“Please...stop.” Pinkie’s voice was barely more than a raspy whisper, but Diane heard it clearly and stopped in the middle of her sentence. “If...if you had just done everything you did because you wanted to, without considering me at all, and without any guilt, I’d be furious with you. But…” Pinkie paused and sharply inhaled, closing her eyes as the vivid memory of Diane breaking down as she confessed to Jason appearing in her mind like a movie. “You didn’t.”

She opened her eyes and stared into Diane’s, clutching her heart as a dull throbbing pain started that was in sync with her heartbeat. “It’d be different if you just said you were sorry, I would believe you, but it’d be hard for me not to be at least a little peeved. With you though I...can feel it, how long you carried that guilt, and how cathartic it was to finally be able to talk about it with someone.

You were trying to deal with everything, and it tore you apart. Jason was the first to see you as a person, he made you feel happy and like you were worth something, when you’d spent so long in despair and thinking you were nothing more than a coping mechanism for me. How could you not fall for him? You saw someone you could be with, you didn’t have to be alone anymore, there’s no way I could be mad at you knowing everything you’ve been through. If anything, I should be begging for forgiveness, I…”

The blunt pain in her heart worsened as she spoke, hot tears rolling down her face again, her voice breaking as she spoke and unable to make it any louder than barely above a whisper. She could also tell that Diane was feeling a similar way, her entire body quivering and her lips pursed, hanging on every word Pinkie said.

“Wish I was smarter, that I would have figured it out sooner. Or told my friends. Or stopped lying to myself for so long. If I hadn’t been so selfish and dealt with my problems like a normal person, none of this would have happened! You wouldn’t have had to suffer, maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. I...I just…” Pinkie’s voice cracked as she leaned forward, lowering her head and placing her hands on the ground in front of her, unable to talk while having to see the pain behind Diane’s eyes. “I wish I had known sooner so I could help you!” She shouted with a wretched sob.

Pinkie’s emotional dam broke, she was unable to keep the emotions bottled up anymore, openly weeping on the ground. The guilt and despair became too much, tears ran down her eyes as she cried like a child, clenching her fist. Some part of her was glad that she decided to come home early when no one was home, that way she could be as loud as she wanted.

Diane didn’t make a single noise as Pinkie broke down, out of respect or fear, it was impossible to tell. She genuinely couldn’t remember the last time she gave in and just fell apart, crying was one thing, but this was emotional distraught on an entirely different level. Her arms soon gave out as she totally collapsed onto the floor, her forehead pressing against the ground and her hands grasping the carpet desperately between her fingers.

Her sobs eventually died down, until they were little more than slight muffled grunts, more from the fact that her throat was sore than anything else. Her face was wet with waterworks, and she was somewhat happy she hadn’t worn makeup today, it would be totally ruined by now.

“Pinkie, I…” Diane’s voice was resigned, and sounded like her voice was being covered by something. Pinkie raised her head, seeing that Diane was hiding most of her face behind her straight hair, her hand covering her mouth as she seemed to be struggling to stifle her own sobs. “You have no idea what that means to me, I was so worried that you’d hate me for everything and just tell me to disappear. You saying that you’re sorry and that you want to help me is just...alleviating to an extent I can’t even put into words.”

She paused as she lowered her hand, quickly wiping her eyes and letting out a loud sigh. Diane tried putting her hair behind her ears, a few stubborn strains refusing to conform and dangling on her forehead. “However, you can’t help me Pinkie. At least, not how you think. The way I see it, you only have two options. And they’re yours to make. I know it’s a lot of pressure, but...you have to make a choice, no one can do it for you.”

While somewhat unsteady, Diane tried to take on a more serious tone. She was trying to be composed, but it was evident that was extremely difficult for her.

“What…” Pinkie straightened her body, once again sitting on her knees. “Are they?”

“Well, there’s the first, the obvious one. Now that you know the truth, you can…” Her voice lowered abruptly as she gulped, a hint of fear in her eyes. “Reject me. Pretend I don’t exist, eventually I-”

“No.” Pinkie interrupted her, voice blunt and steadfast “That’s not an option. I couldn’t do that to you, or Jason. That’s just…” Pinkie’s head dropped for a moment as she raised her hands, wrapping them around her shoulders as if to hug herself. “Too cruel. Whatever the other choice is, that’s what I’m taking.”

Diane’s lips curled upwards into a small smirk. “I...thought you might say that. The truth is, I’m not even sure the result would be any different, or if those are the only choices we have. I’ve...agonised over this for so long, and yet now that it’s happening, I’m not nearly as much of a train wreck as I thought I’d be.”

“That’s...good, right?”

“Sort of.” Diane shook her head dismissively, placing her left hand against the mirror like she wanted to touch Pinkie. “The only thing left is...to accept me. Accept that I’m a part of you, that while you initially created me just to deal with all your negative emotions, I’ve become something much more than that.”

“What’ll happen...after I do that?”

“I...honestly don’t know. Nothing could happen, and I could still take over whenever you fall asleep. If that happens, we’ll talk about that. Or…” Diane clenched her jaw as she grimaced. “I...might just disappear anyway. I really hope not, but...I still think we should do that. It’s uncertain, but...if I disappear after that, at least I’ll go knowing you accepted me. That’s as close as I could get to being happy.”

“Diane…”

The tone of Diane’s voice made Pinkie’s chest tighten. It reminded her too much of Fluttershy when she would get bullied, not bothering to fight back and just accepting it. She didn’t like it, but this was much different than a high school bully.

In a sense, Diane’s very life was in Pinkie’s hands, and both of them knew it. Diane could cry and beg, but it was ultimately Pinkie’s choice. The weight of this fact hit her like a train, making her entire body shiver with a cold sweat. She remained eerily silent as she tried to organize her thoughts, but it was hard to think without giving in to the overbearing emotions.

Did she accept Diane, even though there was still a very real chance she’d vanish anyway? If she did, she’d have to live with that for the rest of her life, and it would likely break Jason’s heart. She hated that some part of her would be happy. He would then be single and she might have a chance, but she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she did.

“I…” Pinkie murmured as she raised her head, her hands shaking as she struggled to speak. “I want to give you a chance, that’s the least I can do. Even if you disappear, the alternative is much worse. So…” She hardened her gaze, her eyes twinkling with resolve. “What do I do.”

Diane leaned forward, or, at least as much as she could as a distorted reflection. She gently placed both her hands against the mirror, showing the entirety of her palms and spreading her fingers apart.

“I think...if we ‘touch’, something will happen. I don’t know myself, I just have a sort of...directive, I guess? It might be something, or it might not. Honestly, everything about this situation is bizarre.”

Pinkie slowly stood to her feet, her knees wobbling as she struggled to keep her balance. “Yeah, even for me this is bonkers. But...if that’s what you say we should do,” Pinkie hesitantly raised her arms, keeping them to her side as she steadied her hands to remain on level with Diane’s.
“Then I’ll do it.”

Diane responded with a wide smile, which was the last thing Pinkie saw as their hands touched, her vision and senses going completely white.