Author's Note

An alternate take on "I'm Steel Cavalry and Fuck my Life" edited and converted to 1st person perspective by Aburi (I'm sorry if I got your name wrong). I had originally intended to just replace the first chapter with this but decided to put it along side the original like I'm doing over on Questionable Questing!

But if everyone wants I'll just replace the original with this!

1: (1st POV version) "I'm Steel Cavalry and Fuck my Life"

“Sure.” I think I’m getting too good at hiding my frustration. I can even fool myself sometimes, “I’ll come by tomorrow to fix your roof.”

The mare with a flank that just didn't quit, I don’t think I ever got her name, just smiled before she trotted off. And I don’t know if it’s just my blue balls or how sexually frustrated I am, but I swear to god that she was strutting!

God. Fucking. Damnit! Why the fuck is she still single!? How the fuck is she a single parent!? I’d cave the fucker’s skull in that would run out a mare like that, but if they didn't I wouldn't be able to enjoy eyeing that fine piece of flank!!

“Whoa. Reel it back there Steel. Just go back to your house and jerk it. *sigh* Like usual…”

It’s been… maybe six months?

Yeah… it’s been six months since I wound up here in Equestria, and honestly I thought it was kinda cool. I’m passingly familiar with the fandom and enjoyed quite a lot of fanfictions (okay, it was primarily clop... but still). My first task was getting a place where I could live so I could recover. And repair all the damages I had suffered.

I still don’t understand how I got so tore up, but meh.

So after I got myself situated and began repairs, I forked my personality and shoved myself down into the basement so I could have a nervous breakdown over the whole “I’m a Program/Uploaded Mind in what’s basically a hyperadvanced sexbot shaped like a horse” thing.

Anyway, it turned out I wasn’t that far away from Ponyville. I’d been squatting in an old abandoned cottage that was just a forty minute trot from Fluttershy’s place. I eventually collected myself, and decided to visit the town, where I… might’ve had some foolish expectations from reading too many HiE and... other... sorts of fics.

Boy did that come crashing down. And wouldn’t it figure, I, a Hyperadvanced Horse-shaped Sexbot with Superpowers centered around Sex, would land in not a fanfic verse like Fall of Equestria (thank fuck cause I’d go on a murderspree), or Fallout Equestria (fuck that depressing mess), but I’d wind up in what I can only describe as a “canon” setting.

Though saying “canon” implies that everything was kid-friendly. Trust me, it wasn’t. Ponies, as I would learn, were just as varied as humans. The only difference is the ponies are, as a whole, more prone to cooperation.

One thing the stories had right was that ponies are pretty tactile. First time I came into town a mare said hello, nuzzled me, and welcomed me to town before offering to show me around!

Were they all nudists? Yes, for the most part anyway. I would come to learn that ponies wearing clothes is usually a sign of status, or if they wanted to impress someone. Though I did find out that there were the pony-equalivant of strippers that stripped in reverse, which I still find both fucking weird and oddly arousing.

Though that probably means I’m going native. Or I would if I could get my fucking dick wet!

And yes, they even had the equlavlant of a whore house (or rather a whorse house), but wouldn’t you just fucking know it? My goddamn DICK IS TOO FUCKING BIG!!! The whorse in question did what she was paid for, to a point. She got me off with her tail, a magic job, and frankly surprising oral skills, but she wouldn’t let me rut her.

I left still frustrated, but not at her (I think her name was… Berry something?). More at the fact that even after explaining that my “magic” allowed me to fuck somepony without hurting them, nopony would take the risk.

“Goddamnit! Think soothing thoughts! Working on my harness, wind blowing through the leaves… seeing Rainbow’s blue… goddamnit!!”

I smiled politely at… Roseluck, I believe, (nice mare, a bit panicky, but nice) as I left the town square and made a beeline to the edge of town so I could go home and handle my frustration again. God… who knows having a Big Dick would be Blessed with Suck.

I really need to finish that Cybermare. But the power requirements for my Universal Replicator is causing things to drag out. And, irritatingly enough, my Auto-Doc androids are as anatomically correct as Barbie dolls. But they’re damn nice to look at.

Though I do wonder where exactly Pinkie is. I actually asked somepony, saying I heard about her. He just patted my shoulder and actually explained a little.

Apparently her Pinkie Sense is serious bullshit. Generally when Pinkie doesn’t immediately jump on and greet somepony, that means that the welcome party will be impressive. And the longer it takes the more impressive it’s going to be.

I won’t deny, I was feeling somewhat scared by the prospect. I mean, I was never the “life of the party” and I certainly never liked crowds. So… if I haven’t seen her in six months… what’s that mean for me?

[Scanning]
[Amusement]
[Data]

Fluttershy’s watching me walk home again huh? Man… it would be such a dick move if I teased her…

[Amusement]

Hehe… I should feel a bit bad for teasing the yellow cinnamon roll, but I really don’t.

"Oh... oh my..."

I know what everypony thinks about me, that I’m timid.

It’s obvious after all.

Everypony thinks I am this naive and innocent pony that’s too pure for this world. And… they aren’t wrong exactly. I am naive, and I can admit it.

But innocent?

*shlick shlick shlick*

Umm… no. I may be repressed, and maybe just a tinsiest bit in denial. But not innocent. No, not in the slightest. The bush I am watching from was not shaking because I’m scared.

“How is that even possible?” I wondered, “I mean… did he have a Dragon for a grandparent or something!?”

I know that I’m in denial about a lot of things. I just can’t help feeling so unsure of myself! It doesn’t help that I spend so much time around Rainbow. She’s my best (if only) friend, and sometimes even fillyfriend (mmm... she’s really good when my season hits hard), but she’s just so loud! I’m even more of a wallflower when she’s around.

But the truth? I’m a raging pervert. I’m a filthy mare with fetishes from bondage and S&M, to playing with my animal friends. My hoof worked away as I watched a fully erect Steel trotting home, wondering what it’d be like having that giant of a stallion dominating me. Pushing me down and... mmm... forcing that monster of a stallionhood into me.

Would it hurt? Would it feel so blissful I’d beg for more? Would I even be able to beg??

Of course my fantasies would dive into the gutter. Fantasies of Steel putting me into a stall and breeding me. Turning me into a foal factory. Or maybe making me a party favor for a herd of even more stallions just as big and virile as Steel himself.

Having my smooth yellow coat turned white and musky, my wings caked with thick white globs preventing me from escaping (oh, but why would I ever do that?). Being the sole mare used by a herd of giant stallions. Knowing I wasn’t a leadmare or anything, only serving as a place to dump their lust and cum.

“Aaahhh~”

I slumped down as I ran out of breath, and began sobbing quietly. After all… why would any stallion even want a dirty perverted mare like me!

“Maybe I should’ve let mom set up that betrothal.” I thought as I started the cleaning up my shame, “I think I still have some Rocky Road in the freezer… I need some comfort food.”

Yay! That means it’s my turn!

“This might be my toughest one yet.” I thought as I studied my plans.

Is it still okay to think of myself in third pony? Or is it still third person? I mean we are people. Being ponies doesn’t make us less of a person than say, a griffon. What was I thinking about? Oh yea! Steel’s going to be one tough nut to crack.

Ponies think parties are easy, that I can just spring them out at the drop of a hat. Well, okay, I can... but it’s not because I’m crazy and slash or possibly the unknown lovefoal of a Chaos spirit. But that’s just silly. It was my 63rd-great-granny pie that had a fling with Dissy! That’d just be weird! Besides he’s stone right now, how would that even work?

Dropping parties like hot cupcakes takes work! It takes planning and studying and stalking! How else can I know ponies well enough to get a pony’s party just right!

Parties, especially Pinkie Parties™, aren’t simple to do. I need to do all that work and learn about who I’m throwing the party for to make sure the party is something they would enjoy. Usually it’s really simple, most ponies like the same things in general. Just add a few personal touches and BAM! Pinkie Party™! But sometimes you get a pony like Steel.

He is, of course, being one of the difficult ones. Steel was actually a very private pony. Sure, he socalizes, talks to ponies, smiles at all the right times. BUT I KNOW SMILES! That’s NOT the smile of a friend. That’s clearly a number 16 smile. Amused around casual acquaintances. I need to find out what will get at least a number 7, genuinely happy around ponies he’s comfortable with.

But he’s fairly eccentric. He never gives nuzzles or hugs, and doesn’t invite anypony to nuzzle him, but he obviously enjoys them. He acts more like a mare then a stallion most of the time. And he really doesn’t take any horseapples from anyone.

Brick Work actually tried to pressure him into her herd. And he didn’t call for help or run away or anything normal… he bucked her through a wall! She didn’t stop for two whole buildings! The only reason she can still walk is because, even for an earth pony, she’s built like a brick..

He got a scolding, some jail time, and a hefty fine, but he wasn’t repentant at all. He just accepted his punishment and left!

The only lead I have is that Steel is pretty frustrated.

Sexually.

For being such a yummy stallion, it seems he’s too big. The mares he tried to be intimate with got scared. Sure he has that special magic to make things work, and I can see why they got scared... but they didn’t even try! Silly ponies.

I haven’t tried to throw a “private” party. Not much market for that here, and Cherry Pit has it covered already. Who would even show? Dashie might see it as a challenge, maybe Jackie would too?

Rarity’s certainly pretty enough... no she’s more the teasing type. She may play around with stallions, but I don’t think she’s really all that adventurous.

“Think, think. Gosh this is hard. Oh wait! How did I miss that!”

Getting a fresh piece of parchment I started writing. I didn’t have a mirror handy, but I still could appreciate the nice number 11 smile on my face. Just the right amount of giggly happiness.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi! It’s Pinkie Pie! I don’t know if you know this, but I’m the Party Pony of Ponyville Now! And I’ve got a pickle you might be able to help with. By coming to a party! You see, there’s this new stallion in town.