A Way to Grow

There was a polite knock at my door, and I could immediately tell it was Crow. That was odd, he usually didn’t come see me in my quarters.

“Come in,” I called out.

A moment later, he stepped in and closed the door behind him. “Good evening, Lock, Gloam,” he said to us. When Gloam started scrambling to get off the couch, presumably to bow to him, he gestured for her to stay put.

“Good evening,” I replied.

Gloam seemed to want to greet him too, but wasn’t able to find a gap in the conversation long enough to speak up.

“I bring good news,” said Crow. “There’s been a radio message from up north. You and your friends are now free ponies.”

“What?” I exclaimed without thinking. “I mean, that’s great, but isn’t it a bit early?”

In my mind, I was trying to think up ways to smuggle out the wares I’d managed to produce and gather.

He chuckled. “What, disappointed to leave your stock behind? If so, that is a perfectly understandable reaction. However, it goes without saying that you are more than free to remain in Fillydelphia. I’ve said it before, and I shall say it again: you show promise, Lock, even without a destiny mark to guide you.”

I looked through the window, setting my gaze on the dark streets of Fillydelphia below before turning back towards Crow. “Look, Crow, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You’ve been a great mentor. It’s just… I haven’t changed my mind. I don’t like being a slaver; it’s just not who I want to be.”

Crow slowly nodded. “I understand. I too was expecting more time to convince you. Still, I don’t regret taking you under my wing; I knew it was part of the deal that you might eventually leave.”

“Thanks.” I gave him a polite smile. “Though there’s still the issue that this threw a huge wrench into my plans. What am I gonna do with my stock? I suspect I can't just take them with me.”

Crow shrugged. “Indeed you cannot. However, I could take them in. And it goes without saying that, should you ever change your mind and come back, I’ll return them to you.”

“I suppose it’s better than someone like Chainlink Shackles getting his hooves on them.” Working under that stallion was not something I wished unto anypony. Not only was he callous, but he also seemed to take a sick pleasure in his work. Meanwhile, even Crow, as proud as he was of his methods, never seemed happy to be a slaver—even if he never showed regret, either.

I realised I’d stayed quiet for a while when Crow spoke up again, “Well then, I suppose I ought to get going. Should you need anything, feel more than free to ask me.” He paused for a moment and gave me an impish little smile. “Oh, and you aren’t supposed to know any of this yet, so you definitely didn’t hear it from me. You’ll get Iron’s message tomorrow, probably.”

As he walked towards the door, Gloam gently poked my ribs. Right, she wouldn’t want to be left behind here. Even if it meant I would need to drag around a reminder of the guilt for my time here, I couldn’t just abandon her. “What about Gloam? Can I keep her? Since she’s my personal assistant and everything.”

He turned his head to face me with a knowing smile. “I shall see what I can do.”

Grace thought about her next move for a moment before placing down a queen of clubs onto the table. “Y’know, I had a question come to mind yesterday evening,” she said. “How did Sonata have enough pre-war bits to take over the stable? I thought you all had enough stockpiled to prevent anypony else from becoming overmare.”

My teammate, Grover—a Talon we’d gotten to be our fourth player—reluctantly placed down a ten of clubs. I glanced out the window to the busy streets of New Detrot.

Cotton nodded, but didn’t reply right away, clearly considering her next move. Instead, it was I who answered the question, “High value pre-war coins. Take for instance thousand and ten thousand bit coins.”

Cotton placed down a nine of clubs, then I nonchalantly tossed my ace onto the table and took all four cards and placed them on the pile in front of me. “Out here, nopony is willing to treat them as such. Noone has the means to verify them, and noone is willing to risk their livelihood over some two hundred year old coin.” I played my jack of clubs; if I remembered correctly, the king had already been played. “Though even if they could check them, it’s unlikely there would really be anypony willing to use them for trade. On the other hoof, the stable’s system had no issue verifying them.”

“Oh, that makes sense, I guess,” said Grace before playing her card.

Our game went on for another dozen minutes or so, though I didn’t participate much in the conversation after that. Grover and I ended up losing, but I didn’t particularly care; my mind had been somewhere else ever since the topic of Iron had come up.

I got up from the table and started heading for the exit. It had been two weeks since I’d last talked to her. On the one hoof, I was grateful that I didn’t have to. It helped avoid so much awkwardness that I’d been dreading.

On the other hoof… the things I wanted to say to her, the things I wanted her to say to me, all of it was accumulating in my head. I didn’t want this to be the end. I didn’t want to let myself get hurt again. I didn’t want to leave her behind. I didn’t want to forget what she’d done. I didn’t want to forget her. I didn’t want to forgive her.

And yet, I wanted her to apologise.

A cold gust chilled me to the bone, and I turned around, heading towards my room. When we’d returned to New Detrot with the good news, Iron and I had immediately been set free and been allowed to stay in our own house at the edge of town. Grace had talked Cotton into joining our search for Candy, and Cotton had bought Grace before setting her free.

I’d tried to tell her that it wasn’t necessary, that Grace more than likely could just escape on her own if she wanted to, but Cotton insisted. Said it would make preparing for the trip easier, and that it would help avoid potential issues in the future.

Once in my room, I put on my Stable 4 jumpsuit as well as a thick scarf. Then I left again.

Those preparations were related to the transfer of power in the stable. Under normal conditions, a head of department stepping down was already quite a bureaucratic mess, but it was compounded by the fact that there had been a change of overmare at the same time.

If I was her, I’d have just left and had everypony else figure it out. Cotton, however, insisted on doing things the “right” way. She’d told them that it was both out of personal reasons, but also out of a belief that a change of times required a new leader. I didn’t understand why she believed she owed anything to a place that had held her captive her entire life, but she really didn’t see it that way.

The cold wind still bit hard, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t bear for an hour or two.

Of course, we also had to prepare for our trip itself. We needed time to stock up on ammo, food, and even a few backup guns.

Originally, Iron was supposed to come with us, or so she’d told Grace on the evening of our argument. However, Sonata had been in control ever since, and she’d voiced a desire to remain here instead. I just didn’t understand.

Right after leaving the stable, she wasn’t entirely convinced she would have a job to do here; if she didn’t, she’d probably go with us. Now that our preparations were slowly coming to an end, we would need to know for sure whether or not she would join us.

Of course, I knew the answer to it, but it was the excuse I needed to finally try to talk to Iron, and maybe that would change things.

Now that I was approaching the town’s centre, I could see more and more ponies going about their business. Stable dwellers moving furniture to their new homes, the occasional slave dragging a cart full of building materials, and even a group of security ponies on their way to the range to be instructed in long-distance marksponyship by one of the griffins.

It would have been impossible to believe that this was the same town that I’d first come to a year ago as a packmule slave. And yet, I’d witnessed it. I’d seen it grow, and I’d been present when the first stable dwellers moved here.

I eventually reached the town hall. I didn’t know where Sonata was, but this was probably a good first guess. And if she wasn’t here, I’d find out where.

Oh wait, didn’t PipBucks have a thing that let them track each other? Eh, I’d figure that out later if needed; I was already here.

Once inside, it only took me a few minutes to find her office, where I found her hunched over some paperwork, a mug of coffee next to her.

Since the door was open, I let myself in and asked, “You’re doing paperwork? That’s surprising…” It was a good enough icebreaker and helped me avoid the topic I was dreading.

She let out an annoyed sigh before looking up and replying, “Yes, it is one of the things Star Seeds needs help with. And I am the overmare, even though that title is slowly becoming more and more nominal.” It took me a few moments to notice the dark rings under her eyes.

I shook my head. “No, I meant, it’s surprising that you guys bother to do all the bureaucratic shit instead of doing things like we do in the wasteland.”

Sonata rolled her eyes. “It simplifies more than it complicates, at least in the long run. So yes, we will be reusing as much of the stable’s political structure as we can.” She set down her pen and gave me an expectant look. “So, do you need anything, or are you here just for small talk?”

“Right, sorry.” I really wasn’t sorry. “I wanted to speak to Iron. About what happened two weeks ago.” There. It was out, and everything would fall into place now.

Sonata raised an eyebrow. “Well, she’s not here,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Can’t you… you know, bring her out?” I asked, hoping that my waning patience wasn’t too obvious.

“I could, but why would I? I have a lot to do, you know.” She, on the other hoof, was not hiding her annoyance in the slightest.

“Come on, this is important.” Right after I said it, an idea crossed my mind. Maybe… “Iron, please, let’s talk this out.”

Sonata’s tone grew sharper. “She cannot hear you. She chose to give up forever, and there isn’t anything I can do about that. If I were to forcefully bring her back, what do you think would happen? That she would just immediately undo her actions and forget her regret? She doesn’t want to come back.” Oh. Oh. “Let her rest already.”

“But… that doesn’t solve anything.” I pawed at the concrete floor. “You can’t just let her hide from her actions just because it suits you.”

She raised her voice without quite shouting. “Because it suits me? You think your petty lovers’ quarrel is more important than the lives of innocents?” She slammed a hoof on the table. “For Celestia’s sake, Cherry, can you be any more self-centred? Do you know how much I have to do to make sure everything runs smoothly?”

I didn’t have time to respond, as she continued, “I have to make sure the transfer of power happens correctly. I have to help Star Seeds come up with a social structure that doesn’t rely on keeping track of how many bits somepony owns. I have to make sure construction work goes well. I have to find a way to deal with those fucking ghouls who refuse to give us their generator. And yes, I blame you for that last one.”

That surprised me. “What? But they need it to survive, you can’t just take it.”

“You bet I can. We need it more than they do, and we offered them to come join us, but they refused. And if I don’t get that generator, ponies will die during the two or so months we’ll need to move the reactor.”

That was the breaking point for me, and I ran out of her office.

I turned a corner and was greeted with the sight of Tenpony Tower. It was still as imposing as ever, but having spent the better part of two years in Fillydelphia had numbed me to the feeling of greatness.

Petal and Banter were already inside the tower with some of our wares. I’d had to leave behind most of what I’d managed to produce for our escape, but Gloam had still managed to get us the most valuable things.

While the two of them had gone straight to Tenpony Tower, I’d taken a detour to a nearby town south of Manehattan. It was where Gloam had grown up, and where she had been captured as a filly. She hadn’t seen what happened to her parents, but we both suspected they were dead.

My goal was twofold. If her parents were still there, they could take care of her, and I wouldn’t have to keep her around; I wanted to stop being reminded of who I’d become. Getting rid of her would allow me to go back to just being a normal scavenger in the wasteland.

Or so I thought. At some point during our trip, I realised I was apprehensive they’d survived. For whatever reason, I actually wanted Gloam around; despite what I’d tried to tell myself, I wasn’t quite ready to give her her freedom. But that was probably something I would get used to once I was forced to let her go.

But if her parents really were dead? It would cut her last ties to a free life. While it sounded bad when I thought of it like that, it really was more about fixing the state of her mind. About making sure she didn’t have any regrets moving forward, especially since I did give her the choice of leaving. I perfectly knew how difficult that decision would be for her.

While, like any slave, she claimed to want freedom, she didn’t even truly understand it. She wanted it for the novelty; believed it was a cure-all for her misery. Her life had been so very difficult until now, so maybe that one new thing would make everything better, right?

From my perspective, it was clear to me she wouldn’t survive longer than a week in the wasteland. Even if she did, her despair would only be aggravated in the long run; finding a purpose in life would take very long. Without one, she would be surviving, not living. On the other hoof, being mine would not only make her life more fulfilling, but also safer. It was the best for both of us.

Ideally, I wouldn’t have even given her the option. However… That would have made me a horrible, horrible pony, even though I’d be doing the right thing. Instead, I decided to compromise. I gave her the option, but wanted to explain to her the downsides of freedom. Wanted to make sure she realised just how much she would suffer if she went out on her own.

To my surprise, however, she didn’t even hesitate, and made her choice before I’d even finished explaining.

Before splitting from them, I’d told Banter and Petal about my plans for Gloam. Needless to say, they weren’t happy. I was accused of simply using all of those reasons as a convenient excuse to keep my control over her. That stung, especially because I realised they weren’t completely wrong. Part of me liked feeling important, even if it was only for one pony. I enjoyed being in control, even for something as minor as this. At that point, I’d realised that Crow and I really weren’t all that different after all.

Still, I knew I was right about Gloam. If I ordered her to leave, she would just die. Convenient excuse or not, I would be condemning her to death.

I was pulled out of my ruminations by the guards at Tenpony Tower’s front gate. I pulled out the caps to pay the entry fee; they introduced it as a temporary measure to reduce the amount of ponies entering the tower.

The guard started individually checking each of the thirty caps. Did I really look that shady? Or was that just part of the procedure to exclude as many ponies as possible?

Many merchants considered the northern trade route to be unusable, so a lot of ponies were stuck around Manehattan until the road was clear of danger. There were rumours of a group of bandits large enough to take out even a caravan guarded by Red-Eye’s forces. Lately, more and more traders had grown tired of waiting around and had left regardless of the risk.

Well, that wasn’t quite right; the risk was much lower than previously. Such a large group of bandits definitely needed to survive off of something, and with the knowledge of their presence floating around, very few caravans actually made the trip. As a result, the bandits had more than likely already dispersed.

Still, few ponies were really willing to take that risk, small as it was. To me, that was completely illogical; there was no way the route was still dangerous. Nopony would stay along that road just because they felt like it. It was too damn cold, deserted, and dangerous to bother with, unless you had some sort of incentive.

Again, I was snapped out of my thoughts by somepony’s voice. “Don’t let her in, she’s a slave owner. The purple one is her slave,” said a buck behind me.

I turned around and protested, “What are you talking about? That’s not true.”

“Yes it is, I overheard her calling you ‘master’.” Damn it, I knew I should have properly insisted Gloam stop calling me that.

Thank Celestia, he didn’t have any actual proof. “Then it’s your word against mine, because that is very much a lie. I don’t know what you want from me, but if you could leave me alone, that would be appreciated.”

“Everypony here knows I don’t lie,” he stated flatly.

Confused, I looked at the guards and felt a shiver run down my spine. Their mood had very much soured. It was the right one who finally cut the tension. “Jack here is a citizen of Tenpony Tower. Even if he didn’t have his reputation, his word would still outweigh yours,” she said gravely, reaching for her battle saddle’s trigger bit.

Fuck. There was only one way to salvage the situation: tell some of the truth. I shook my head. “It’s still not true. I’m not a slaver, I swear!” That wasn’t really a lie; I hadn’t made the choice to be one. I was forced into it. “She calls me master because I saved her from slavery. I’ve been trying to get her to drop it, but she has a rough time after living so long as a slave.” Again, another partial truth. And a pretty believable one at that for anypony who’d seen Gloam.

The guard arched a brow and turned to Gloam, who seemed on the verge of melding with my shadow, in a much more literal sense than most ponies. With all the attention on her, she panicked and slumped to the ground, covering her face with her forelegs. That was not good.

I knelt down and gently stroked her withers. “Go on, tell him.”

Slowly, she removed her legs from her head and looked up at the guard. Her voice was barely above a whisper. “She… she’s good to me, I’m not a s-slave anymore.”

Seeing this, the guard softened her tone. “Then why do you call her ‘master’? That’s what slaves call others. You don’t need to stand up for her, you can be free. Just say the word and she’s dead.”

“No!” Gloam shouted, surprising everyone bar me. “I call her master b-because she’s my everything! She saved me from the other slavers by taking me into her stock!” My stomach sank.

For a second, she seemed satisfied with her outburst. When her eyes met mine, she realised her mistake and pure terror spread on her face. “N-no, I didn’t mean it like that! S-she’s not a slaver, I swear! Not anymore!”

The guard looked at me in contempt and said in the voice of someone desperately trying to remain calm, “I suggest you leave. And don’t show yourself around here again.”

I didn’t think twice about the offer, cantering off as quickly as I could, not even taking my caps back. Gloam disappeared into my shadow.

I would kill that motherfucker. In just a few sentences, this asshole had ruined my entire fucking life! I would catch him outside the tower and make him regret fucking me up!

But then again, I was already fucked when I came here, wasn’t I? The thought struck me like a bullet, completely out of nowhere. It was true, though. The underlying issue wasn’t his fault. The rift that had formed between my loved ones and I wasn’t his doing.

This “Jack” was just a consequence of who I was now. He was just some ordinary wastelander who’d done what he believed was right. Yeah, he’d fucked over my plans, but he didn’t deserve to die for it, did he? Sooner or later, this would have come to bite me in the flank. This was how Iron felt, huh? Your past hanging over your head like a sword on a string.

And how would I even go about killing him? For all I knew, he could stay inside Tenpony for months, and I wasn’t allowed anywhere near it, so even if he did leave… Was I really going to risk my life and waste my time to get petty revenge? Yeah, this guy was not worth the trouble. But somepony had to pay.

My mind turned to Crow, and I considered that option for a while. He’d been the one who made me a slaver, was he not? It was his fault that I’d turned out this way.

And yet… I felt no animosity towards him. I just couldn’t bring myself to hate him. He’d taken me in and been my mentor, and even if that ultimately was for the worst, he just wanted what was best for me, instead of leaving me to rot in a cell.

No, if I really wanted revenge, I would need to turn to the root of this all. That fucking pegasus. I’d strip him of his feathers next time I saw him. But who knew how long that would take? He could be anywhere in the fucking wasteland and wouldn’t be easy to take out.

On the other hoof, I did have Iron on my side. She more than likely wanted revenge as well, and she didn’t know who’d caused it. No doubt, she’d want him dead as much as I did, if not more.

Then there was the issue of Star Seeds. Fucker had also thrown a wrench into our plans. I know Iron had also been planning an escape attempt, and this cunt showing up outta nowhere and taking her with him was not a good thing for us.

Tracking him down would be a lot easier, and killing him would be a cakewalk as well. I doubted he’d be wary around me, and Gloam could slit his throat while he’d be least expecting it. Plus, I would need to go to New Detrot anyway if I wanted to find Iron to track down the turkey.

The question remained whether or not I actually should get my revenge…

Maybe ten minutes later, I sat down so that I could think.

My options were limited. On the one hoof, there was still the chance that I could clear my name. Banter was good with words, and he could possibly explain to them all why I’d needed to work as a slaver. However, I had no idea how likely that was to convince them to actually let me in. I knew they had pretty strict rules against slavers and raiders, but how strict? If Banter and Petal stood up for me, would that mean they would end up locked out of having a nice home in Tenpony?

I knew I wouldn’t be able to clear my name alone. I was already on the back hoof, and I doubted I could talk anypony into giving me another shot.

Then, there was the third option, and the one that I’d been considering. I knew Iron couldn’t enter the tower, either. Maybe there was a chance the residents didn’t know her, but I doubted she wanted to take that risk. So after our revenge, she and I could travel the wastes together. While I was definitely over my childish crush on her, she was still a good friend, and living out here with her wouldn’t be a bad life.

Besides, I wasn’t sure anymore if Petal and Banter wanted to stick up for me. After all, to them I was now a slaver. If I were to ask them to help, they would probably feel obligated to take my side. We were family, after all. If I gave them the option, they would do the “right” thing, no matter how bad it was for them; no matter how much they didn’t want to do it. By giving them an opportunity to help me, I’d be forcing them between a rock and a hard place.

Meanwhile, if I went on to live with Iron, she and I could be outcasts together. Gloam would be with us, and while we’d have our past looming over us, we’d still have each other. She wouldn’t judge me for what I’d become.

I was having a smoke on the balcony of my office, enjoying the refreshing cold air. As much as I’d once blamed Iron for dragging us into yet another stupid addiction, I had to admit it was a really good way to relieve stress.

Even if it was ultimately costing me years off my life in the long run, my efforts would save many, many innocents. And if fifteen minute smoke breaks helped me fulfil my duties, then it was more than a good deal.

I took another long draw on my cigarette, enjoying the soothing sensation.

Besides, if the Goddess stayed true to her word, I didn’t have to fear death by sickness anyway.

Suddenly, a large griffin flew into my view. “Hey,” said Grace.

“Hey.” I motioned for her to land on the balcony, and she did.

I had a good idea of what this was about, but I’d try to be more patient than I’d been with Cherry. I kind of felt bad for the way I’d told him off. It was more than rude.

I turned back to look over the peaceful evening streets of New Detrot, and in the corner of my eye I saw Grace do the same, before hearing her clear her throat. “Me, Cherry, and Cotton are leaving tomorrow morning. I know you pretty much said you’d stay here, but I just had to ask.”

It looked like I wouldn’t even have to try and be patient; she already understood. I simply nodded. “Sorry, but I just have too much to do here. It would be irresponsible and cost many lives just for me to meet my cousin. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to meet her, but I do have other priorities.”

Grace let out a sigh. “I figured as much.” She turned to look at me, and I met her gaze. “Well, I guess this is goodbye, at least for now. But… do me a favour. If Iron ever comes back, pass her a message from me… or however that thing you two have works.”

I hummed and nodded, giving her an expectant look.

She took a deep breath. “I don’t really know if you’ll ever hear this, but… I understand how you feel. I mean, you and I have lived very similar lives and all. I totally get the feeling of being incorrigible, of never being able to do better. But I also know that it’s always worth it to keep trying. You can’t undo your mistakes, but you can always try to not repeat them.” Grace pawed at the tiled floor of the balcony. “And sometimes, trying feels like too much of a risk. Like you’ll only manage to fuck up worse. But if Candy taught me one thing, it’s that anyone can change.”

I had no response to that, so I simply said, “I shall pass it along when I get the chance.”

Footnote:

New Quest Perk: Cult of Personality — When you have a way with words, it can be difficult for others to discern your moral standing. As a result, you ignore the effects of your low karma, even when speaking to ponies with high karma.