The Pony I Want to be

It was late at night, and I was headed for my quarters. I pulled on my cigarette, glad that I would finally get to relax.

I’d slept in my office for the last two weeks. It just never seemed worth it to make the thirty minute round trip just to sleep for a couple of hours. In hindsight, I probably would have gotten better sleep on a proper bed, but back then I’d just been too preoccupied with getting everything ready as soon as possible.

I still had a lot of work to do, of course, but it was now manageable enough that I could finally afford full nights of sleep again. I couldn’t even remember what it was like to not be tired.

Maybe I’d soon have the time to practise my singing again. I had some ideas floating around my head for lyrics, but I hadn’t allowed myself to take the time to write them down. I really missed messing around with music.

Suddenly, I heard somepony land behind me. Too light to be a griffin. I turned around instinctively, only to find myself staring down the barrel of a pistol. Ironshod Firearms, with a nine mil, thirty-three—or maybe twenty-seven—round magazine.

The buck holding it was somepony Iron was familiar with. Bluish off-white coat, light grey mane, and emerald green eyes. He was that one courrier who’d screwed her over on at least one occasion. Now, for some reason, he was holding me at gunpoint.

“I don’t have any caps on me, you know,” I stated in a flat tone.

In addition to the mouthgun, he also had two shotguns mounted on a battlesaddle. Though, judging by how they were attached, I doubted he was very experienced with either. The saddle’s trigger bit was one step away from getting tangled in the straps hanging from the pistol holster around his neck. It was rare to see an amateur in this much gear.

He just shook his head and gestured for me to continue walking. I was grateful that he didn’t try to speak with a gun in his mouth, because that could have ended badly. I didn’t immediately comply, however.

He probably wanted to get me somewhere isolated. What did he want with me? If he just wanted to kill me, he would have already done so. Yeah, he’d alarm the guards, but by the time they understood what happened, he would already be long gone. It wasn’t all that difficult to stay hidden in the night sky, after all.

I’d never really considered the threat of flyers sneaking their way into town at night. I would have to find a way to prevent that in the future, if I survived this mess.

Still, the question of why he was here remained. Did he maybe want to take his time killing me? Rape me, perhaps? Those were both things a raider would do, but somepony who’d been a courier most of his life? I doubted it.

He was getting impatient, so I quickly weighed my options. If I went with him, he’d most certainly kill me when we were alone. However, if I tried resisting him here… My odds weren’t great either. Attempting to get off one of the few combat spells I’d learned from Star would be difficult in such conditions. I’d be able to avoid a few of his shots, but with a magazine of this size, it was just a matter of time before one of them hit.

While this body could definitely survive a whole slew of wounds, I hadn’t been around any sources of radiation lately. Most shots had the potential to be lethal if they hit.

In normal times, Iron could get rid of him in no time, but in her current state she might just let herself get gunned down. Besides, it was my turn to handle our problems. She’d taken care of us long enough, now it was up to me to get out of trouble.

I turned around and started walking towards the town’s edge. Currently, it was my best bet. At the very least, it would give me time to think, which was the one thing I was lacking right now.

I could always try to conspicuously pass in front of one of the guard towers and get them to forcefully revoke his ability to breathe. Seriously, what did he want from me?

Behind me, I heard him sheathe the pistol, then deploy the trigger bit to have it in front of his mouth. “Walk faster. If anypony spots us, I will immediately blow your head off.”

Ah, well, there went that plan. At least it opened the door for discussion. “What do you want? I’m assuming you wouldn’t just randomly rob a pony like me.”

“I want to talk,” he stated in a flat tone.

And probably kill me right after, given that he hadn’t simply come see me in my office, like a sane pony would. In fact, he really wanted to kill me. Otherwise, why risk his life like this? Surely he was aware of how dangerous Iron was, and surely he was aware that a firefight in the middle of New Detrot would get him pinned down by Talons in a matter of minutes? He was much too willing to risk his life for a mere conversation.

I led him through the metro tunnels and into the blue line’s secret passage. It was the only remaining underground entrance to New Detrot, and only a select few ponies knew about it. It was, of course, the safest way to get in and out of town for somepony who wanted to avoid the guards. The main tunnel had been plugged weeks ago. Only one maintenance hallway remained, its entrance hidden out of sight and locked.

Over the course of our ten or so minute walk through the tunnels, I tried to strike up a conversation multiple times. Yet, despite having claimed to want to talk, he shut me down every time I attempted to do so. I would have expected him to take the bait, but he seemed acutely aware that I was just trying to buy more time.

After we left the tunnel, we continued along a small road leading into the woods. Eventually, he spoke up, “Stop. I believe we are far enough away.” What was up with that overly formal speech? Why was he trying to sound like Equestria’s most boring politician?

I knew I was in danger, and yet everything about him made me want to disrespect him. He wasn’t competent enough to carry weapons properly, and he talked like a complete idiot. How was I supposed to really take in the gravity of the situation?

Before I could get swept up with my monologue, I decided to do as he said, turning around to face him. “So, what is it that you want?” I had to admit, this wasn’t a good situation to be in. The saving grace was that I really didn’t think he would shoot me, at least not immediately. If that was it, he would have already shot me, and there was no way any of our guards would have caught him.

Oddly enough, I still wasn’t scared. I understood the danger, but it simply did not feel real. Maybe I was still expecting Iron to save me, if push came to shove? Now that thought was scary. I really needed to take this seriously.

“I wanted to make you realise just how horrible of a pony you are.” He tried to sound calm, but couldn’t stop his voice from shaking in anger.

“You’re telling me you did all this work and took all this risk just to inform me of something I already knew?” It was a gambit. Pissing him off could very well lead to me getting shot, but I could tell there was something more to this. Maybe he wanted to hurt me emotionally? I really had no idea, but I knew upsetting him might make him reveal more.

If I knew what had him in this state, I could maybe use it against him.

“If you truly did, you would have stopped doing the things you do,” he stated with fake composure, glaring at me with contempt. But there was something more. He wasn’t just hateful, or even angry, he was also hurt.

I replied with more provocation. “What do you know about me?” From what Grace had told Iron, he knew what she’d done while with Candy. Those were fairly minor things, and decidedly not enough to make somepony ‘horrible’.

On the other hoof, it was more than likely he’d played a part in our enslavement. On top of that, it happened right after the events in Dodge. Overall, I had a feeling he might know about Iron’s misdeeds as a bandit.

He huffed in disdain. “I only know of what is easy to find for somepony with an investigative spirit.” He flicked his tail in a way that looked instinctive more than deliberate. He was really upset, wasn’t he? “Like what you did to Skybridge.”

“How would you know that?” Come on, you stupid turkey, reveal your cards already. Great, now I was getting impatient. I needed to take this seriously, but something about this buck just irritated me to the deepest of my being. Iron hated him for very valid reasons. I hated him for petty reasons.

Thankfully, I hadn’t said anything stupid yet, despite how tempting it was.

While I was busy with my mental tirade against him, he exhaled sharply through his teeth, shaking his head in disapproval, then finally said, “Why do you insist on acting like it is difficult to find out? There was a mare in Skybridge you failed to enslave. She has seen Star Seeds and his underlings capture everypony she knew.”

“I happen to work with Star Seeds, yes, but what makes you think I was involved in that attack?” My tone was perfectly neutral, but I gave him a tiny little smirk that made his jaw clench.

Still, he held onto his paper-thin façade. “According to her, a single pony took out the town’s guards. Though she did not see that pony’s face, I have investigated the matter. I found out Star Seeds was seen travelling with a tall unicorn mare whose colours match yours.” Then, in a tone that was clearly meant to resemble annoyance, he said, “You can stop acting ignorant now.”

“Alright, then you’re probably also aware of how little choice I had in the matter. I was a slave, remember?” I shook my head in mock disappointment. “If you want, you can blame the fuckers who captured me and sold me out into slavery.”

“What? You can’t just—” He groaned in frustration. Good. His mask was cracking, but he was still willing to play my game. Or perhaps he believed I was playing his? Still, I was pissing him off, but he hadn’t gunned me down on the spot yet. There was a good chance I could turn this around if things continued going my way.

He shook his head and took a deep breath, sealing the more obvious cracks of his mask. “Unfortunately for you, my wife and I were very fond of Skybridge. Since I did not want to break her heart, I did not tell her who you were, and just referred to you as Star Seeds’ right hoof.” A very small smirk appeared on his face when he added, “She did, however, swear to take down whoever had destroyed Skybridge.”

“Your wife…?” It couldn’t be, could it? There was only one pony that came to mind, but surely it wasn’t her. And yet, Grace had said the two were decently close last time she’d seen them…

“Candy Cane.” He tried to be deadpan, but I could swear I saw the tiniest fragment of a fiendish smile on his face. “And yes, I did lie to you all these years ago.” I already knew this, but the fact that he was daring to try and provoke me was pissing me off.

More importantly… why would Candy marry somepony like this…? Did he trick her? Well, that much was obvious, but how deep did the deception run? Did he manage to hide how much of a pathetic piece of shit he is?

“Anyway,” he continued, clearly amused at my confused frustration. “It is now only a matter of time before you come to face her wrath.”

“Why now of all times?” And why did he come to gloat about it? He wanted to hurt me with that revelation, but why…? Could it be…?

“Because she is going to find out what you did, why else?” His voice carried an odd matter-of-fact tone. The kind somepony would usually go for when trying to distract from something else.

I had an idea. It would certainly explain how hurt he sounded beneath the layers of contempt, and why Candy had found out about things now, rather than later. Regardless of how much sense it made in my head, this was going to be a gamble. Either I was right, and I’d probably be able to manoeuvre my way out of this, or I was wrong, and he would finally have enough of me.

I looked him straight in the eye as I asked, “She left you, didn’t she?” His response was immediate. He may have tried to cover it up, but the reaction on his face couldn’t be hidden. “Somehow, she found out about me, and the role you played in my life.”

Now came the tricky part. Before he could snap out of his stupor, I softened my tone. “I’m… sorry to hear that.” I gave him a gentle, sympathetic smile. “I don’t know the details, but by the sound of it, it seems like you genuinely love her.” That, or he loved the idea of her.

He blinked away a single tear, his face twisting from grief to anger just as quickly. “What would somepony like you know about me? I do not require your sympathies, as it is your fault that I am in this predicament to begin with.” Try as he might to sound calm but threatening, even a foal would have realised he was fuming.

Great, he was blaming me for his own lies collapsing in on himself. A childish, petty part of myself was tempted to call him out on it, but I had a role to play. I couldn’t even call him by his true name, since I wasn’t supposed to know it.

Instead, I just softened my tone further to a pleading one. “Please, Airdrop, realise that this won’t lead anywhere.” It wasn’t the tone of somepony begging for her life. It was that of a good friend urging somepony not to do something they would later regret. “Candy might still forgive you, you should know that. It’s just the way she is, accepting to a fault.” With any luck, he was aware of that flaw of hers.

I saw his jaw clench, and he hesitated for a moment. Finally, I was starting to push him into the corner I wanted him in. After a short moment, he said, with much less conviction than before, “You have come to understand that Candy will kill you, have you not? Begging for your life now is utterly pointless.” He tried to come across as cocky, but I wasn’t buying it.

The pained grimace on my face was definitely real, and I had to take advantage of it. “I know… But at the same time… It is still her choice to make. Her acceptance has its limits, and I don’t expect to escape her wrath.” I let out a long, sad breath. “That’s why I think she would need to be the one to kill me. It would be meaningless if anypony else did, wouldn’t it?” I had to hope he would buy it. From what I knew of him, the odds were good. He seemed to be obsessed with poetic justice and what not, so why wouldn’t he jump on this opportunity?

From the expression on Platinum’s face, I could tell I’d just won. He was reconsidering everything.

“Ah guess you’re right about that,” he muttered, suddenly sounding a lot less sophisticated, but somehow infinitely more respectable. What was that about?

I gave him my saddest smile, needing to make an active effort to prevent it from turning into a smirk.

He sighed and averted his gaze, staring at the ground in thought. This could be my chance to hit him with an anaesthetic spell, but would I be able to get it off before he noticed? It would ruin everything if not.

He took a step forward, and he raised his hoof slightly, as if to shake mine. Without putting any thought into why he’d do that, I mimicked the gesture. Platinum’s face twisted into a grimace, and he struck my brow with enough force to make me lose my balance and knock me to the ground.

“Fuck you, and fuck your kinda ponies!” he screamed loud enough for it to echo into the night. “I almost fuckin’ fell for it too, ‘cause I forgot how Celestia damn twisted y’all are. I just didn’t expect you to be such a schemin’ piece of shit on top of bein’ a mass murderer.” Too dazed, I didn’t put any thought into what he said or how.

I got up much quicker than I should have, my head badly spinning. I couldn’t let that distract me. Things really weren’t going well for me, and this stubborn buck was really starting to piss me off.

While I stood there, using my obvious lack of balance as an excuse to think, he continued screaming at me, “If I let you live here, you’re gonna go ahead and talk Candy into forgiving you, aren’t you?” He had me there. Even though I had a feeling it would be very difficult, it would still be easier than trying to subdue her. Besides, I owed that much to Iron. “Ponies like you deserve nothing good.”

Alright, mirror his anger first, then deescalate from there. Or maybe I just wanted to scream, too. “What the fuck do you know about me? You act like you understand everything I’ve been through, just because you know what this prick Star Seeds forced me to do!” Badmouthing Star wasn’t something I enjoyed, but I had to. Maybe a few months ago I would have meant it, but ever since he and I had grown closer to him, I just couldn’t see him in the same light.

At my sudden outburst, he took an unintentional step backwards. Emboldened by the effects of my words, I stomped on the ground as I continued, “I’m not gonna claim I had no choice here, but you can’t fucking deny the circumstances that pushed me into it.” I almost slipped and accused him of being at fault for it, but he’d see right through me if he realised just how much I knew.

He huffed and said, “What about the caravans you attacked?”

“You think that was any different?” I started off harsh, then sighed and softened my tone. “I was starving, and all I had to my name was a rifle and a dozen bullets.” Yeah, ultimately Iron had attacked the first caravan because she was so angry at them, but Platinum didn’t need to know that.

He tried to come up with a rebuttal, but I cut him off with another sigh. “Look, Airdrop, I do regret my actions, and I understand that they were wrong, even without a stranger telling me. If all you want is to make sure I feel remorse, then there is no need, because I’m far from happy with what I’ve had to do.”

I turned away from him and stared at the ground. “Plus, you know that I’ll have to deal with Candy’s wrath, one way or another. Even if I manage to persuade her not to kill me, I have little hope that I’ll ever manage to make it up to her. I will have to live with the knowledge that she won’t ever forgive me.”

I decided to face him again. He didn’t seem convinced, but at least now appeared conflicted rather than angry. I took a step towards him and said, “I don’t want to do any of that again. I just want to finally settle down and finally help some ponies rather than hurt them…” I extended my hoof to him. “So please, let us both walk away from this and pretend like it never happened. I’m not looking for a fight.”

That seemed to do the trick, as his ears drooped and he looked down. He pawed at the ground for a moment before looking back up. “I… Ah don’t want to fight either, but what else can Ah do?” Oh, so the prim and proper speech really was just a façade… Now he was opening up… Fascinating.

He shook his head. “My life’s ruined, and there’s nothin’ more left for me…”

There. That was my opportunity to get him off my case. “Well, killing me won’t fix anything, as you already know. It’s… it’s the only reason I didn’t jump you the moment I found out you lied to me.” I gave him a sad smile, which only seemed to make him more conflicted. “Deep down, I blame you for the path I went down. Everything would have gone differently if I hadn’t been split from Candy. I never would have robbed anypony, and I never would have ended up as Star Seeds’ slave.”

I shook my head. “But still, I chose to leave it behind and talk it through. I agreed to follow you here because I know I can outmanoeuvre your guns and cap you before you can even realise what’s going on. I chose to avoid violence, Airdrop.”

Given how contemplative he seemed, I’d likely succeeded. After a few more moments, he wrapped his hoof around mine. Finally. “I…” he muttered. Then, all of a sudden, his grip tightened, and he pulled me forwards, using his wings to make up for the difference in size. I fell, with only my right foreleg preventing my face from slamming into the ground.

I groaned. How hard was it to meet anypony who was at least somewhat mentally stable? He was at least as much of a schizo as Iron, and that was saying a—

That thought was interrupted by him landing on my withers and slamming my head into the concrete road. The world grew blurry for a moment, and the next thing I knew, I was flipped on my back. He sat on my ribcage, holding both of my forelegs spread out with his hind ones. Any plans evaporated as raw fear poured into my mind. Was I done? My life couldn’t end here, I—

My body attempted to cough, as one of his front hooves was pressed into my throat, making each breath nigh impossible. I had to defend myself! My vision was already turning black.

I pushed as much magic as I could into my horn in a haphazard attempt at telekinesis, but a hard slap across the horn sent shockwaves of agony through my entire skull. I could have sworn I saw part of it chip off, and the idea sent a wave of despair and fury through me.

I didn’t have time to lament the injury as Platinum’s hoof struck my muzzle again. His face was twisted with rage and hatred. “You think,” he panted. “That I would ever forgive a monster such as yourself?” He redoubled the pressure on my throat. My every gasp reminded me of how close my bones were to snapping.

The pain brought tears to my eyes, but that only seemed to make Platinum angrier, fuelling his vengeful sadism. “You are wrong. Ponies like you do not deserve to be alive and need to be removed from the wasteland.” He slapped me across the face, again and again, until I felt blood trickle down the side of my head.

“Did you not claim you could take me on? Well, what about it, now? Not so strong, are you?” I was going to kill him. He wouldn’t get away with this.

He leaned forward, opting to choke me with his leg rather than hoof, letting me catch some of my breath. I was as thankful as I was terrified at the realisation he wouldn’t kill me right away. With his face only mere centimetres away from my muzzle, he said, “I do not have the slightest shred of empathy for murderers like you. You may think this is all my fault, but you are simply delusional.”

Even with the pressure on my throat, I managed to rasp, “I never said—”

I was cut off by another slap to the face. “Quiet,” he threatened. “I refuse to give you even one more word to poison my mind with.” I was going to kill him. I was going to end his life. He was talking to me, but I didn’t care.

I was going to kill him. That thought had replaced everything else in my mind right now, and for the first time in my life, I felt rage. Not annoyance, not frustration, not mundane anger. Rage. The kind of raw, unadulterated fury that I thought was beneath me. It was a feeling that normally brought out Iron, but with her gone…

Fear momentarily took the centre stage. I wasn’t going to kill him, I was going to die!

He pressed his leg deeper into my throat, and my panic redoubled. “Listen to me when I am talking, you worthless scum! I will not allow you to zone out while I make your last moments as miserable as possible! I wish I had the ability to restrain you properly and deliver you to a group of raiders so they can rape you to death.”

As the edges of my vision were once again growing dim, I prayed. To Luna. To Celestia. To Discord. To the stars. I didn’t care. I wanted to live, if only so I could kill this fucker.

“I should have sold you out into slavery the moment I found out just how horrible you were. Deep down, ponies never change, but a slaver would have made sure to change the surface. Fillies like you, when conditioned early enough, can still be fixed.” Another slap, but along with my sight, all my other senses had also grown numb. All I still could feel were the burning agony of his leg crushing my windpipe, and the searing rage inside my heart. “And they would have made sure to put you to good use before you grew your fangs. Ponies like you deserve everything bad in the world. You deserve to be beaten, raped, and worked to death.”

My vision faded entirely to black as his tirade continued. So this would be the end, huh? Ultimately, I was powerless.

We were walking westwards, the road underneath us covered in a thin layer of mud.

It had been a week since Cotton, Grace, and I had left New Detrot, but I still felt as shitty as the day itself. I knew I should be glad that I was finally getting to leave that life behind, but things weren’t quite so simple.

Frankly, I was still mourning the loss of Iron as I knew her. Even though she wasn’t dead, the fact that I would never see her again still stung horribly. Perhaps it was because she was still alive, but I just couldn’t come to terms with losing her.

I tried to justify it, tell myself that it was for the best; that this would hurt less than seeing a stranger wear her face all the time. I tried to reason that I had to leave that town anyway, or else I’d never find my mom and sisters.

And yet, it still hurt. If only I’d done things differently. If only I hadn’t pushed so hard for her to open up. Or maybe if I had pushed harder, but also sooner. I’d known she hadn’t told me everything yet, so why couldn’t I just ask her? Why did I have to wait for an opportune moment? A moment that never came.

In the end, I would never see her again. Nothing I did from now on would change that. She was gone.

To top it all off, I’d never gotten the chance to understand my feelings for her. It wasn’t love, at least not in the same way I’d felt for Cookie. Cookie had been the first mare to ever treat me as an equal. She was so pretty, so nice, and I just couldn’t stop that feeling deep in my gut whenever I’d been around her. With her, I felt light and she made me the happiest slave in Fillydelphia. For three months, at least, before an infection got the better of her.

Iron, on the other hoof… I’d cared about her, yes, but that light fluttering in my stomach just wasn’t there. And yet, in the past month or so, I’d started imagining my life with her. No grand fantasies or anything, I’d just grown to expect we would be together for a long time; travelling together, overcoming the wasteland together.

Was it just another form of love? A friendly one, rather than romantic? Perhaps familial in some way? Or maybe I’d just been very good at repressing those feelings?

No, that couldn't be. No-one sane would develop feelings like that for someone like her.

But now, I would never be able to know for sure. Iron was gone, and she would soon be just another memory.

I poured everything I had into my telekinesis, releasing it in an indiscriminate wave above me. I didn’t lift him like I normally would. That would have taken too long, and he’d be able to resist it. Instead, I put everything I could into shoving every last square centimetre of him away from me. He was tossed into the air like a sheet of paper.

None of that was thought through, just raw instinct taking over where Sonata had failed.

Panting heavily, I slowly rose to my legs. I was unsteady, and my vision dark and blurry, but if I didn’t get up now, it would be the end of me. My horn still crackled painfully with the remnants of the magic I’d poured into it, manifesting as red lightning that occasionally made its way into my vision. Agonising as it was, it kept me awake. After a few moments, it finally stopped.

By then, I was already back to my wits. I didn’t know where Platinum was, but my instinct as a fighter told me I couldn’t stay here. Needed cover.

I quickly spotted the nearest tree that could hopefully hide me long enough to recover. With practised ease, I put together the pattern for a short range teleport.

For a fraction of a second, I was thrown off by the lack of symmetry in the spell’s construction, but managed to overcome it. In fact, the bigger distraction was the burning pain in my horn.

Despite all that, I managed to blink over to the one tree, then run over to another, bigger one, where I finally managed to catch my breath. Perhaps ‘run’ was too strong of a word, as I barely managed to remain standing.

Immediate survival ensured, anger started boiling to the surface. This fucking piece of shit wasn’t just content with ruining my life twice, he also came after me when his stupid fucking plans didn’t work out?

By the stars, I was going to tear him limb from limb.

Only issue was that Sonata never carried a gun in New Detrot. The illusion of safety really must have gotten to that idiot’s head. On top of that, I had to keep in mind my fractured horn, so I couldn’t even risk some of my usual manoeuvres. Thankfully, I was still carrying Concerto’s PipBuck, and this meant I had access to SATS at the very least. Its EFS module, though, was still inside Cherry’s PipBuck.

For a second, when Cherry crossed my mind, I couldn’t tell if I was more angry with Sonata or with Platinum. How dare she turn him away like that! Realising just how utterly stupid that line of thought was, especially whilst still in danger, I threw it aside.

I looked out from behind the tree, scanning the sky for any movement. Now, where the fuck was this turkey? Had he just bolted the moment I tossed him into the air? No, he had no reason to. As far as I knew, he thought Sonata and I were the same pony, so it was unlikely he would just piss himself the moment I came out to play. He was stupid enough to try and attack me, despite even though he knew how dangerous I was, so he was definitely stupid enough to keep fighting.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by the roar of one of Platinum’s shotguns, its buckshot cutting into the ground about a metre from me. Immediately, I started running, carefully weaving between the half-dead trees.

He had two Paiga-12s, from what Sonata had seen; so ten rounds each. So nineteen remaining. He had that ridiculously overkill magazine for his pistol, so hoping he’d run out of ammo was not an option.

For all intents and purposes, this was one of the worst situations to possibly find myself in. Unarmoured, outgunned, afraid to use magic, and up against a flying opponent.

And yet, I was grinning as I ran. This was a feeling I’d missed. Fighting not just to make caps, not just because I was told to do so, not just to survive whatever was attacking me. No, I genuinely wanted to kill the fucker, and the excitement was enough to lift my mood. To come out on top and laugh in glee. I felt like a filly again; outmatched but thirsty for blood. This was the feeling Psycho desperately tried to imitate.

I felt a few pellets of hot lead cut into my hind quarters as another shot echoed behind me. I screamed in pain, but that quickly turned to a war cry.

I planted my hooves into the ground and sprang around, galloping in the opposite direction. It didn’t take long for me to spot him.

He’d been tailing me, a dozen metres off the ground. Likely too inexperienced with airborne combat to take shots while he turned, he was headed for me as he tried to align for another shot. When he noticed I’d turned around, he veered off to the side.

Blinded by adrenaline, I channelled another teleport, aiming for his back. My horn crackled painfully, as I failed to stabilise the spell as much as I’d meant to. I materialised right next to him and felt gravity drag me down. In the briefest of moments, I slipped into SATS. Even with time slowed to a nigh stand-still, I could still swear I felt myself falling.

I queued a single hit to his throat, less in an attempt to hurt him, and more to try and latch onto it. I would have tried to do it myself, but I was scared he would be able to counter it or bat away my leg; SATS, though, almost guaranteed I would at least have perfect form.

It succeeded, and I found myself with both front legs around my mortal enemy’s neck, hugging him for dear life. My plan was simple; grab the pistol from the holster around his throat.

I couldn’t see, so I had to find it by telekinetic touch, but that was proving to be difficult, given the state of my horn.

Of course, Platinum didn’t just let me hang off of him. In fact, he was desperately trying to shake me off, but with my size advantage, he was having a rough time of it. I could tell we were losing altitude, but not nearly enough to feel like I was falling.

Our desperate melee continued for somewhere between a second and twenty, before he finally managed to get a hoof between himself and I. I wasn’t able to hold on, as he pushed, and I found myself falling once again. Luckily for me, I had enough power in my telekinesis to grab his pistol within the blink of an eye now that I could see it.

I slipped into SATS, targeting his wings with three shots each, all of them almost guaranteed to succeed.

All six connected, and he cried out while I continued to fall for another second or two. My head was pounding, and try as I might, I didn’t manage to put together a third teleport.

The ground knocked all the wind from my lungs. The world went dark.

When I came to my senses, I couldn’t tell how long I’d been out. By the fact I was still alive, I suspected it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes.

I felt the familiar burn of fractured ribs. My right foreleg and skull were pulsating with a similar pain, and my brain felt like it had been scrambled.

I couldn’t help but be thankful that I’d gotten away with so little, but at the same time I probably hadn’t fallen more than a few metres, and the thin layer of mud was not nearly as hard as concrete.

Still, this fucking hurt! I’d show him, now that I had a gun. I looked around for a few moments, estimating my odds. He still had two almost fully loaded shotguns, and while he wasn’t as good a shot as me, he only needed one good hit to take me down. Then again, so did I.

I also still had a teleport or two in me; I just couldn’t rely on them being fast or precise.

However, it seemed my luck had turned. I spotted him lying on his side, slumped against a tree, seemingly unconscious. I approached him, and within a few moments, I’d removed his guns’ magazines and cleared the chambers, then tossed them and the rest of his belongings into the dark.

Then, I waited, savouring the moment and thinking of my options. Couldn’t tell exactly how long, but definitely enough for the adrenaline from the fight to die down and for the pain to really settle in.

Just as I was starting to consider slapping him awake, he stirred, groaning in pain. That was enough to refuel the sadistic fury inside of me. He thought he was hurting? Well, I’ll fucking show him hurt.

I’d teach him real sadism.

I levitated Platinum’s pistol right to his ear, aiming into the dirt behind him, and pulled the trigger. He screamed, desperately trying to get up, but repeatedly slipping in the mud. After a few seconds, he settled into a sitting position with his back against the tree. He clutched his right ear, and, finally, his eyes met mine.

For a second, his expression froze, as if his mind was trying to catch up to the situation.

“Morning, sunshine,” I said in a tone dripping with venom. “Had a nice nap?” I was ready to enjoy this. I was giddy at the idea of finally getting to have fun again. I even felt that weird tingle in my nether regions again.

However, as his face finally turned to pure dread, the thought of Cherry flashed through my mind. Wearing the same pained, terrified look, he was sitting on the stable’s concrete floor.

For a split second, everything stopped. My bloodlust, my desire to hurt, my thirst for vengeance, my craving to make him scream. All of that was put on hold for the briefest of moments as I was reminded of how I’d betrayed my only real friend.

It must have been a longer moment than I thought, because Platinum started reaching for the trigger bit on his battle saddle. I just gave him a cocky smile and said, “Don’t bother, I removed all the shells.”

I could tell my previous mood was slowly coming back, so I took another step forward. I wasn’t going to let a single bad memory ruin my well deserved revenge, was I?

Platinum tried to flip onto his side in an attempt to flee, but I was faster and stomped on the bullet wounds in his right wing, twisting my hoof on them. His back arched as he screamed, before falling back down to the ground.

I bit my lip to contain my satisfied groan. This was going to be good, especially since Platinum was already sobbing.

But then why was my mind still reminding me of Cherry?

I’d been in this situation before, many, many times. Managing to render an opponent harmless, and then getting to savour their last moments had always been one of my guilty pleasures. Well, the guilt had become more intense ever since the start of my growth spurt, but I wouldn’t let it stop me now.

Just the idea of getting to decide when and how someone else’s life ended sent me to the nines almost every time. Unfortunately, I rarely ever had the time to properly toy with my prey, so I often had to be content with just the fear in their eyes.

Realising I’d been standing here for a while already, I fired a shot into the air, caught the ejected round and pressed it against Platinum’s throat, grinning madly as his cry filled my ears.

Why was I thinking so much? This was my revenge, there was nothing wrong with any of this. Sure, I usually felt guilty after I let myself go and truly had fun with one of my enemies. Hell, I even felt guilty when I killed somepony quickly.

I sent another three bullets into his right wing, making sure to aim for the joints. Not only would it hurt like he deserved, but it would also instil in him the realisation he would never fly again.

But all that was irrelevant! He deserved it! He was the sole reason why my life sucked! Hurting him would only make my life better!

I slapped Platinum across the face and was ready to do it again, because this was the one thing I needed to make everything right.

But would it? It wouldn’t make me go back to who I was before losing Candy. It wouldn’t cancel out the years I spent thoughtlessly hurting others for my own benefit. It wouldn’t undo what my father had done to me. It wouldn’t nullify what my mother taught me.

And it wouldn’t fix my relationship with Cherry.

So what was the point? I’d feel good about myself for a few dozen minutes, but then I’d go back to being the shitty old Iron I’d always been.

Was there anything wrong with that, though? The wasteland had moulded me into who I was, so why would I care that I was shitty? Shitty conditions breed shitty ponies. That was just the way things were. Nothing I could do would change that. I was a raider, and would always be one. So why pretend like I was anything more? Why waste my life trying to do better to absolutely no avail, when instead I could just live it to the fullest?

This time, it was Grace who flashed through my mind. She’d genuinely changed. Of course, I hadn’t met her when she was a bandit, but I could still tell she’d come a long way. More so, I knew that she was still trying, and that she wanted me to try.

I lowered my hoof.

Cherry, too, would want me to try, wouldn’t he? Even if he were to never forgive me, he would still not want to see me spiral back down.

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek.

Besides, what would Candy think? I really didn’t know how she would react to me killing her husband, given all the circumstances. But I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it. She wouldn’t want me to live a meaningless life driven only by drugs, violence, and fun.

No! I couldn’t let my emotions get the better of me. I couldn’t allow this piece of shit to get away with what he’d done to me! What about my revenge?

But… that anger was emotional as well, was it not? If I wanted to change for real, I’d need to learn to keep it in check. I was right, I couldn’t let my emotions get the better of me.

I cleared my throat and looked Platinum straight in the eyes. He seemed as confused as he was scared. “If I let you go, what will you do?” I asked, forcing my calmest tone.

He kept staring at me, shaking and letting out the occasional sob.

“Listen to me, you fuckwit!” I screamed in his face, and he immediately looked away. I used my injured hoof to forcefully turn his head towards me. “I want to leave this all in the past. I’m done killing, and I’m done with hurting others. And the first fucking step, as much as I don’t want to do it, is to let you live.”

With my hoof under his chin, I stared at him for a few seconds, making sure he really got what I was saying. “But I swear to the starless hells below, if you ever try to fuck with me again. Ever. I will do everything I can to fucking destroy you. I’ll tear off every single one of your limbs and feed you to Hoofington raiders. Not to civilised ponies who’d quickly kill you, bleed you, and then cook your meat after properly seasoning it. No. Hoofington fucking raiders.” I punctuated each word with a shake of my head and a stomp of my hoof. “They will eat the fucking flesh off of your bones while you scream your lungs out with every little bit they tear off.”

I pressed my forehead against his and whispered oh so quietly. “Did I make myself clear?” He frantically nodded. “Good. May this be the last time we ever fucking see each other.”

Leaving, I picked up both his magazines, then headed back to where he’d chipped a bit off my horn. Hopefully I could still fix it. Part of me was screaming that I shouldn’t let him live, that he might become an issue in the future, that I could still nip the problem in the bud. It took a lot of effort to ignore those thoughts, specifically because I knew they were rational.

But if I killed him, I’d be burning any bridges with Candy. Besides, my message was more than clear to him.

Footnote:

New Quest Perk: Ain’t like that now — You’ve once and for all put your past behind you. It may take some time for the world to forget your misdeeds, but as long as you resolve trouble in a reasonable fashion, your karma will slowly reset to neutral. However, that newfound path does not make you weak; it just means you wait longer before drawing your gun, but are fast enough to make up for the delay. Additionally, you are now immune to critical hits.

Author's Note

Did I ever mention that a big inspiration for Iron’s character was Diamond Tiara (with a hint of Cozy Glow)? I’ve been waiting since the beginning of the fic to title a chapter “The Pony I Want To Be”.

Also, older Iron shares a lot of characteristics with Tempest Shadow, and Tempest has become a bit of inspiration over time, but she really wasn’t at first.