The next day Wild awoke to soreness in his legs - not only that, but this soreness was in the muscles he hadn’t truly felt before. Fortunately for him, this soreness was far from debilitating, so he went through his morning routine as usual. From his own experience, he knew the soreness would disappear completely the next day afterwards, so there was nothing to worry about. He was in the cafeteria when Artful announced his presence by uneven breathing alongside soft groaning as he heavily sat down next to Wild.

“It aches everywhere,” he complained before he almost planted his face on the plate of oatmeal. His mouth worked for a bit as he got some food into him, then he rose back up. Wild had a sudden urge to giggle at the expression on his face alongside a bit of oatmeal stuck under his lower lip, “How did you deal with that? Is there a way to make it go away?”

Wild shook his head, signing that it would only go away on its own as long as Artful rested properly. He then added that he heard of ways to deal with the soreness like dunking in an ice bath.

“That doesn’t sound great,” Artful said, “Icy water? Brr, no thank you.”

Wild gestured that some other way could help - getting a massage.

“Do you know how to do a massage?” Artful asked.

Suddenly and vividly, Wild imagined his own hands going all over Artful’s body, and he had to shut that thought down fast even as his face heated up. He was sure he was visibly red, considering that ponies had the unfortunate ability to blush despite having fur everywhere - if anything, the fur made the blush brighter and clearer.

“Ah, oh, um,” Artful blushed as well, looking away from Wild, realizing what he had just implied. After all, he didn’t ask where to get a massage, he asked if Wild could do it. Silence continued to stretch as the two didn’t look at each other, both their faces burning.

Wild had to direct his thoughts elsewhere, and he wondered what a massage would actually feel like, as he had never gotten one in his entire life. Before he became, he had to admit it, afraid of touch, he hadn’t been very receptive to touches of others either, but there was always a what if. Wild had no idea if a massage would ever actually help him, although he knew his body sometimes felt like a wound spring and there was little he could do by himself to relieve the pressure and make it disappear.

The idea of massaging someone, that was an idea he had never really thought about. He knew massages were done professionally all the time, but he didn’t know if he would be comfortable with some stranger touching him that way. If anything, a massage seemed like a... private, even intimate thing. This sort of access to a body of another person could not, in Wild’s mind, be anything other than a great show of trust. Trusting a stranger with his body? That was something Wild couldn’t do. But what Artful suggested... did he really consider Wild trustworthy enough to grant him this sort of access? They barely knew each other!

Perhaps Wild was overthinking it. He had to be overthinking it.

“So uh... any, um, other ways to deal with the, uh, soreness?” Artful asked slowly, still blushing. Wild decided that this silent invitation to forget what was said was quite welcome.

Wild signed that, if there were, he didn’t know of them. He then repeated what he said before, telling Artful that the best he could do was eat and rest. Wild perked up, now remembering, and then signed that eating more than Artful usually ate was essential if he wanted to grow stronger. It was especially important that he ate foods rich in... and that’s when Wild’s vocabulary failed him. He awkwardly tried to explain it, saying that there were three small elements to food, one of which was fat, and there were two others, and one of them was very important to building muscle. He said that grains had it, legumes had it in abundance, beans would work well too.

“Ah, you mean protein, right?” Artful guessed, and Wild nodded, “Yeah, okay, so more beans and legumes. I can do that.”

Wild gestured that all foods contained all three of those elements, and even oatmeal should be good for it. Finally, the remaining blush disappeared from both of them, the small awkwardness over the idea of a massage lying forgotten for now. Wild was silently relieved that something else arose to be discussed, so he dove into it, telling Artful everything he could remember about training right, eating right, and resting right. He stressed that strength - and muscle - grew during rest and not during exercise - that was a thing Wild had struggled with in the past, training more than his body could handle and recover from, stifling his own growth.

Wild signed that he knew only a small part of everything and that a trainer likely knew more, but Wild knew enough of basics that he hadn’t messed up in a long time. Silently, he thought back to the time when he simply couldn’t get food, rest, or exercise in the right amounts, but Artful didn’t need to know that.

By the time both of them finished eating, Artful had learned more about exercise and all that surrounded it than he had heard in his entire life. Although his body was still seemingly impossibly sore, he now knew it wasn’t some sort of odd punishment for exercising but a natural process that happened to everyone and that would ease with time.

“W-would you like to go to the library with me?” Artful asked at the end of their meal as they took their trays away, “I don’t think I can do anything other than read today and, um, I’d appreciate your company.”

After a few moments of thinking, Wild nodded - after all, he needed to get some reading of his own done.

As they made their way to the library with Wild going at a slower pace to match Artful’s, Wild thought about how to perhaps hide what he was going to read from Artful. The only thing he needed to read - was required to read - was Sexuality Education Basics: Pony Edition. Whatever it actually contained, he didn’t want Artful to comment on it.

Wild breathed in, then breathed out. Ponies, he knew, were openly affectionate with each-other. Topics such as touch or sex were not any sort of taboo and, sometimes, Wild could catch some conversations involving it. With his ability to detect thoughts, sometimes when he wasn’t paying enough attention to direct the thoughts around him, he got impressions of when ponies were... actually doing it or going to do it. He was aware that even young humans did it sometimes, but now it appeared as if ponies were unconcerned about any sort of scandal or even rumors or anything of the sort.

Wild... didn’t know what to do about it. If he could even do anything about it. It wasn’t even his business anyway. What others did to each other consensually, what right did he have to interrupt or intervene in any way? Despite it all, he grew... frustrated. Angry, even. And he didn’t know why.

No, he knew why. He knew precisely why.

It was all because he was broken, because they had what he couldn’t have, certainly not with the ease they talked about it. He was jealous, he was afraid, and those two things were circling him endlessly.

In the library, Wild and Artful separated in search of their respective reading material. It didn’t take long for Wild to find his own book. He didn’t know what he expected, but the cover of the book was a pleasant blue color, and the only other thing on it was the title. That was... not a bad start, perhaps. He brought the book with him to a comfortable spot, sat down, and opened it.

First, there was a long page of acknowledgements, which Wild skipped. He knew he wasn’t going to be question on who wrote the book, who inspired it, and who approved of it. Unfortunately, he needed to learn of different things. What he needed was the table of contents, and when he reached it, he dreaded to see what it contained. He didn’t even know what he exactly feared, so he continued on.

The first section was innocent enough - Background and Introduction. It covered the history of sexuality education, structure of it, as well as the fundamental principles behind it. Wild started with it, keeping his breath calm. He needed to see how the book began in order to judge what possibly lay ahead of him.

Sexuality education is a lifelong process of acquiring information and forming attitudes, beliefs, and values about such important topics as identity, relationships, and intimacy. The Sexuality Education Council of Equestria (SECE) believes that all people have the right to comprehensive sexuality education that addresses the socio-cultural, biological, psychological, and spiritual dimensions of sexuality by providing information; exploring feelings, values, and attitudes; and developing communication, decision-making, and critical-thinking skills.

Wild found his heart slowing down to calmness, and he no longer had to consciously control the rate of his breath as he read more and more. The language wasn't dry but it was also somewhat distant, making him take a more objective look at sexuality education. In truth, he found it helped immensely with actually reading the book and comprehending its contexts now that he was a lot less afraid of them.

The book then told about how Equestria had been the freest country when it came to freedom of sexuality for many centuries and how this experience had resulted in the development of sexuality education as it was known these days. Wild didn’t need to worry as he continued reading, somewhat fascinated by what he learned. In his home country - as much as it could be called a home - of the USA, he knew the history of sexuality was rife with discrimination. After all, had he revealed who he was to others, he would have faced disgust. Here in Equestria, that hadn’t been a large thing for a very long while - the few people who did make a fuss about it were swiftly dealt with. Not all countries were as as receptive as Equestria, however - certain Griffin Kingdoms held rigid social structures based on binary gender roles, for example. Wild made a mental note not to visit those kingdoms - he had enough of experiencing being an outcast for a lifetime already, he didn’t need any more.

The book then continued on to describe the key concepts of sexuality education.

Key Concept 1: Pony Development. Pony development is characterized by the interrelationship between physical, emotional, social, and intellectual growth.

If Wild were asked about sexuality education even a day ago, this concept was not what would come to his mind. In truth, he hadn’t had any sort of formal education on it, merely a few talks with his father as he outlay what Wild could do, what he shouldn’t do, and what he must not do. What this book said in the first key concept was already more than Wild had ever been taught.

Key Concept 2: Relationships. Relationships play a central role throughout our lives.

That concept was, thankfully, far more obvious. Wild, however, didn’t know what kind of relationships this book would cover - wasn’t all sex essentially the same? Of course, Wild was fully aware of doing sex for money and not for any kind of personal reason, but everything else was concerned with, supposedly, relationships of love or, at least, mutual attraction. There was the other kind, the kind he had experienced, but he denied it - what was done to him, it was not... it was not right. It was not any sort of... relationship.

Wild breathed in, then breathed out. It was past him. He suffered, and then he punished those who caused it. They were dead by his hands. There was nothing more he could do, so it was time to move on. He had to move on, deny those dead monsters the hold on him.

Wild breathed in, breathed out. It was time to continue reading.

Key Concept 3: Personal Skills. Healthy sexuality requires the development and use of specific personal and interpersonal skills.

That one, to Wild, was quite obvious. He was also aware that he didn’t exactly have healthy personal or interpersonal skills. Perhaps... perhaps it was time to learn them, somehow.

Key Concept 4: Sexual Behavior. Sexuality is a central part of being a pony, and individuals express their sexuality in a variety of ways.

Wild, to his memory, hadn’t really expressed himself in that way. He had always had to hide his attraction, after all. So, how would he even express himself? What did it mean? Would he have to, perhaps, paint his... hooves, wear a rainbow scarf or some kind of a shirt, talk a certain way? Or would continuing on as he was count? His own father had only ever publicly expressed affection towards his wife, and Wild didn’t think he could base his own behavior on that.

This was perhaps the most confusing concept so far.

He was distracted for a moment when Artful appeared with his own book. Their eyes met for a brief moment, and Artful’s gaze slipped down to the book in his grasp. Wild tensed for a moment, ready for, perhaps, teasing, maybe questions. However... nothing came. Artful only blushed lightly - which might and might not be because of the book - and silently sat down nearby, and soon after he was focused on his own book. Wild lost some tension in his body, although he silently cursed himself for not taking this book with him to read later. However, since Artful said nothing about it, and not a thought betrayed any sort of desire to even tease Wild about it, now it looked like Wild was overreacting. After all, to ponies this was, supposedly, normal, and had been for hundreds of years.

Wild let out a silent sigh of relief towards the world for not throwing more problems at him and gratitude towards Artful for not giving this any more attention than a cursory glance. There were just two more key concepts left to cover anyway.

Key Concept 5: Sexual Health. The promotion of sexual health requires specific information and attitudes to avoid unwanted consequences of sexual behavior.

Wild took it to mean STIs and pregnancies. Thankfully, he would be able to avoid the latter, at the very least. This was perhaps the easiest to understand. Wild wasn’t stupid, he was perfectly aware that protection of some kind was needed. His mind slid back to the days before, and he wondered if part of his physical weakness in his later days was because of STIs he might have caught, but it didn't matter anymore. That body was dead and gone, he was pronounced as healthy as he could be by pony doctors. Anything and everything that plagued that disgusting body was gone... aside from the damned scars. However, even they would be gone with time.

Wild breathed in, held it for a moment, breathed out. It was better not to linger, there was more of the book to cover.

Key Concept 6: Society and Culture. Social and cultural environments shape the way individuals learn about and express their sexuality.

Wild breathed in, breathed out once again. A simple, controlled motion. He was glad he was no longer among humans, whose societies would gladly see him dead. Equestria would accept him. Princess Luna, a ruler of Equestria, already accepted him despite his sadism. What was being gay compared to that? So what if he liked men? This had nothing to do with violence or with pain, so he didn’t see why it would be a problem. Besides, he had already seen openly non-heterosexual relationships among the ponies in the Royal Orphanage, and if the princesses disapproved of that, then surely it would have been apparent by now.

He continued to read until he came upon the section titled Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult. He knew he was far from a healthy adult in that way, so it was time to learn exactly how much he failed.

A sexually healthy adult will:

- Appreciate one’s own body.

Wild had very little against his own body. It was fine aside from some scars. Perhaps he didn’t fail at the first point, and he hoped the trend would continue.

- Seek further information about reproduction as needed.

Thankfully, he didn’t need any information on reproduction. He did not plan on reproducing, ever, in any way whatsoever, and that was final. Another point towards him.

- Affirm that pony development includes sexual development, which may or may not include reproduction or sexual experience.

Wild knew his own experience would not include reproduction as per the previous point, but as for sex... he was surprisingly uncertain. He knew a part of him wanted it, and perhaps one day, maybe... Maybe. He moved on before getting stuck on it.

- Interact with all genders in respectful and appropriate ways.

Wild didn’t remember an instance where he was deliberately disrespectful, so perhaps he passed there. As far as he was concerned, people could call themselves whatever they wanted, it was no business of his. Though, it did raise a question of who he was. He never really cared - he would have been fine either way, he believed, although he could never be certain. If he could change bodies... he wondered how a female body would feel like. Would it change anything or would nothing change? It was something to perhaps explore... someday. Maybe never. He didn't know whether he really cared about it.

- Affirm one’s own sexual orientation and respect the sexual orientations of others.

Wild believed he would do just fine here. Perhaps he wasn’t as hopeless as he thought. Or, at the very least, if he understood the word' affirm' correctly. He certainly had nothing else about anyone else's sexual orientation.

- Affirm one’s own gender identities and respect the gender identities of others.

He knew he was a man - or, at least, that’s what he was used to and had no real concrete plants to change, certainly no need to do so - and he had no issues with respecting others.

- Express love and intimacy in appropriate ways.

Wild sincerely hoped he would never express any of that in inappropriate ways. Assuming he would even get to experiencing intimacy or love. He, perhaps, maybe thought that someone would one day maybe be his partner, but... this point was certainly valid, and he didn’t know appropriate ways of showing love and intimacy. He doubted he would even easily allow others to touch him, especially... especially if it came to sex. He very much doubted that flinching was appropriate.

- Develop and maintain meaningful relationships.

Were any of his current relationships meaningful? What did it mean for a relationship to be meaningful anyway? He didn’t remember if he ever had a relationship he didn’t mean to have, at least. This point definitely needed elaboration if he were to accurately judge himself.

- Avoid exploitative or manipulative relationships.

The very notion of being the initiator of something like this made him sick. He would never exploit or manipulate anyone he cared about, and this was a promise he would never break. He was only going to be honest... as much as he could be honest. It was perhaps easier not to have relationships at all if he couldn’t maintain honesty. Others should not be burdened by his own issues, that he believed in its entirety.

- Make informed choices about family options and relationships.

Wild did not plan on making a family considering that he didn’t plan to reproduce. The family that had existed before was now dead, and he was the last one left. Whatever he did, he would not be able to bring back what was gone. Whatever family could be had, it was not his to have. The image of a family was two parents and some kids living in a house and having a car, or at least that's what he remembered. He could not place himself in any of those positions. Aside from perhaps a car - he could probably outpace a slower one if he tried. This thought got a tiny, quiet chuckle out of him.

- Exhibit skills that enhance personal relationships.

What skills those were, he had no idea. It was clear he failed this point. What personal relationships he had? He didn’t have any friends, certainly no lover. Princess Luna, perhaps, cared about him, but he didn’t know just how personal the relationship he had with her was. She knew a lot more about him than he was ready to reveal, and he appreciated how she cared about him, but...

It was confusing. It was better to move on to the next point.

- Identify and live according to one’s own values.

He had already done it for a long time. Continuing on from where he was would prove to be easy, he believed. However, if he truly thought about it... His values had changed over time. He thought that his sadism was wrong, so he had not lived according to his own values, but now he believed - or, at least, very much tried to - that sadism was not, in itself, wrong. So, causing pain for his pleasure was now not against his values. This was a... refreshing thought.

He realized he needed to figure out what values he actually had. However, that was for later.

- Take responsibility for one’s own behavior.

He was always responsible. There was no other way - every action had consequences, he knew it perfectly well.

- Practice effective decision-making.

He almost laughed at this point - what did his decisions even matter when they were routinely taken away from him? He couldn’t even decide to die on his own terms. That very possibility had been taken away from him, the very decision removed from his grasp, perhaps forever. Besides, he had proven that he didn’t decide things well, so it was easier to let someone else do that for him. Like Princess Luna - at least she cared. She also had enough power to nullify any of the decisions Wild could take to go against her. As long as she cared about him, he could - and gladly would - follow what she said.

- Develop critical-thinking skills.

He had no idea what that meant. He could think, and he usually didn’t rush into things... was that critical thinking?

- Communicate effectively with family, peers, and romantic partners.

When he had to hide who he was, how could he communicate properly? Besides, there were things he just didn’t want to talk about. Not that he could even talk easily - he still struggled, and even now he couldn’t just speak to Artful. The moment he spoke to Precision was the last time in recent memory that he spoke at all.

Communication, he had never been good at it.

- Enjoy and express one’s sexuality throughout life.

Wild knew he completely failed at that. He didn’t remember ever experiencing enjoyment through his sexuality. There was only ever fear of discovery. Even when he was looking at porn when home entirely alone, the fear was not far away, as well as shame. Just why couldn't he be simply normal?

Fear defined his sexuality, and Wild had to blink away unbidden tears as he realized it. This fear, he could perhaps let go of someday... likely not today, however.

- Express one’s sexuality in ways that are congruent with one’s values.

He didn’t exactly know what congruent meant, but he could guess. However, what did it matter when he didn’t know what it meant to express his sexuality?

Finally, there was one last point, and he would perhaps be done for now.

- Enjoy sexual feelings without necessarily acting on them.

What did this mean? Did it mean that Wild could fantasize without actually indulging in it in reality? He had done that before, he would probably have no problems doing it again. As long... as long as he could move past the remembered pain.

He put the book down and blinked, feeling mentally exhausted. He had only just begun reading the book, yet it had forced him to ask himself questions he hadn’t asked before.

He didn’t want to read anymore.

But he wanted to find out more.

He was broken and he needed to fix himself.

A quiet part of him was still there, whispering to him with a promise of pleasure if only he let go of the pain. He could almost imagine the soft touch, someone’s body against his, he could almost hear moans of pleasure, and perhaps... perhaps someone would call his name lovingly.

Wild stood up and hurried away, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t respond as Artful called after him.

Why did he have to be so broken?

Author's Note

The words from the book are slightly modified quotations of The Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education, 3rd edition. From what I could gather, it's approved by The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. I did a bit of reading of it myself, and it was quite good. I should probably read more of it, considering I have never received any proper sexuality education before. I think others should do so too - it's pretty informative.

Some may think that Wild is overreacting a bit to the whole "can't come out as gay thing", but LGBT+ people are routinely oppressed and killed all over the world even now, so his caution, while perhaps excessive in certain parts of the world, is not at all unreasonable.

And now Wild knows exactly where he needs to improve, but hey, he's not entirely hopeless, so he really doesn't need to think that badly of himself. Unfortunately, mental health issues can magnify any flaw you see within yourself. Not a nice feeling to have, I know from experience.

And also, hey, 500 upvotes! Very nice to see.

One last thing - this is a monthly plug of my Boosty. There, chapters up to Chapter 70 are available, and updates happen twice a week. Unless I am experiencing difficulties like sickness or mental health stuff or real life issues. That tends to put a downer on writing, unfortunately.