Wild’s eyes opened slowly, his being coming back to the waking world in a pleasant warmth. He became aware of a small smile on his face, and one of his cheeks was pressed against something warm, something living and breathing. Wild found himself snuggling closer before realizing he was doing it, and then he was hit with the reality, his mind almost bowled over with the realization as he put two and two together.

For a moment, all was still, his eyes were wide, and his breath became faster. He was pressed against Artful, who was still sleeping soundly and deeply.

An impossibly long moment passed, and then Wild’s racing heart started slowing down, his breathing moving to match Artful’s own. Slowly in, a pause, then slowly out. As his proper awareness returned, he realized that Artful also smelled a bit, though it wasn’t anything unpleasant. It was a mix of, as far as Wild could guess, the natural smell of his fur and feathers. It wasn’t a smell Wild would want to inhale constantly but neither was it something anywhere close to repugnant. Perhaps it was weird that Wild was smelling him at all, but it wasn’t like he was doing anything... improper.

Wild knew he had taken a step forward when he agreed to a sleepover, when he laid down next to his, his... friends. And now, there was... it wasn’t regret that he was feeling, no, he was certain of it. It wasn’t even discomfort, but... it was something else, something he couldn’t recognize. Luna’s book about emotions and their definitions would have been useful to him, but he knew it would not do him any good if he had taken the book with him when he went with Artful and Jade to this log cabin. It would raise some questions, and he would know it even if neither of the two asked him.

He lay there, eyes open, seeing Artful’s chest rise and fall with the rhythm of his breathing, and this movement pushed his own face slightly. Wild knew he was far too close, yet he couldn’t bring himself to retreat from this warmth, from this comfort. He, against all that he thought he would do, snuggled a bit closer and closed his eyes. Soon, his own breathing fully matched Artful’s, although he was not back asleep. He could perhaps say that it was close, that there were no worries, no fears, but his mind continued to work.

This was not just a step but a leap, a leap forward. He took the chance and now reaped the consequences, and these consequences were... pleasant. He had never slept with someone before barring barely remembered scraps of memory of sleeping next to his parents when he was very young. Now... he realized just what he had been missing. He shivered and snuggled even closer, even daring to place one of his front legs on top of Artful to feel more of his pleasant body heat. He let out a long sigh and smiled.

Time passed by as he lay there, simply enjoying the moment and not worrying about anything. He didn’t know whether his aversion to touch was yet overcome, but he didn’t feel repulsed, didn’t want to shy away from this. Artful was a friend, not a stranger, and lying down with him was something he could not only accept but enjoy and cherish. It helped that it was nothing sexual - he knew he was far from ready for that step. However, if he allowed to think about it for just a little bit, he knew Artful was the first and, so far, the only person on the list of people Wild would be willing to have sex with. Even thinking about it brought heat to his cheeks, but he allowed that heat to be pleasant and not shameful or scorching. As relaxed as he was now, Wild could afford not to treat anything as potential danger.

Wild did not think Artful was dangerous in the first place. He was a shy artist, good-spirited and usually so full of joy Wild could practically see the glow of it coming off him. Artful had expressed anger before, anger at the injustice to the changelings, but Wild simply couldn’t imagine him picking up a knife and going to stab someone. He didn’t have the will for it, and Wild hoped he would never have to.

Artful stirred, then rolled over, dislodging Wild from his own place, and then he was eye to eye with him. His eyes were half-lidded, the spark of awareness in them only now waking up. Wild felt Artful’s breath tickling on his nostrils and brushing by his mouth. Artful’s eyes seemed impossibly close, as blue as his mane, and they seemed to shine particularly brightly without glasses in front of them.

In that very moment, as Wild gazed at Artful’s easy, lazy waking smile, Wild realized that he wanted him. Their physical closeness felt intoxicating, making everything inside him swirl in anticipation of a dream come true. It would be easy to lean it, just a little closer, and taste the pegasus’ lips against his own.

“Good morning,” Artful greeted in a groggy voice, making something inside of Wild flutter.

“M-morning,” he stammered out, aware of his heated face, imagining how red he had to be looking right this moment.

“I... I wanted to ask you something,” Artful admitted, his own blush easily coloring his face.

“Yes?” Wild perked up, as much as he could while still lying on the bed. His heart was beating fast, yet he knew it wasn’t bad.

“Are you... do you like, um, stallions?” he asked.

“In...” Wild knew his coming question was entirely unnecessary, yet he needed to know, needed to see, needed to hear, “In what way?”

“Well, um... romantically. Sexually,” Artful elaborated, and now both their faces were so red it couldn’t be ignored by either, yet neither of them was willing to mention it aloud.

Both of them knew the answer to the question, but Artful needed to hear it, needed to be sure, and Wild... needed to confirm.

“Yes,” he said, in near-whisper. He suspected where it was going, he knew where this was going, and he didn’t look further because then everything would fall apart, would crumble and turn to dust because...

“W-would you like to... to see if we can be a couple?” Artful asked, his voice hopeful yet, somehow, not expectant, “I, um, like you. You are, ah, nice, and... well, I like you.”

Wild didn’t know how to react to being called nice of all things, so he only blushed harder, as difficult as it was to accomplish. Not that he was in control of it, of course, but... Either way, it was, indeed, nice to be called nice. But this raised the question - what did Wild do in order to deserve such praise? He was... perhaps not bad, but what did he do in order to be called nice? He wasn’t particularly sociable and neither did he really go out of his way to be nice to people. He simply hadn’t really had reasons to act nasty towards anyone. He knew he could, and he knew it very well, and it was a small blessing that his time here at the orphanage had passed without him ever growing so angry he could see nothing but the cruelty he would want to inflict at the object of his ire.

Despite what Artful thought of him now, there was a lot more about Wild that he didn’t know, something that would surely change Artful’s opinion of him without the possibility of return.

“I... need to think,” Wild ended up saying, then explained, “I do not think I am ready for... romantic things. Or... sexual things. I... I have some... things I need to, to... to figure out. Before I do this,” he closed his eyes not to see Artful’s expression at what he said, then swallowed. He needed to admit to one thing to explain why he was not ready, “I have... I am doing a... therapy. To be better.”

“Oh,” Artful said, and Wild couldn’t tell if it was disappointment or something else. The moment after this seemed to stretch on and on, but before he could think too much about it, Artful continued, “That’s alright. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I went to therapy too, and it was hard, but I’m definitely better now.”

Wild opened his eyes and was greeted by Artful’s earnest expression. No hint of disappointment, no anger, nothing that could cause Wild to feel guilty in any way that he could tell. Artful was simply being... honest.

“Okay,” Wild nodded, “I do not know if... if I will ever be ready for, for this. I... I like you too, but...”

“But you need time to sort yourself out?” Artful suggested knowingly.

“...Yeah.”

“Makes sense, yeah,” Artful then smiled sheepishly, “Sorry for springing this on you.”

“It’s... alright.”

It was this moment when Jade stirred. Whether they heard anything, Wild couldn’t tell, but they certainly announced themself waking up loudly enough that he had no doubt that they did indeed wake up and were aware.

Wild excused himself to the toilet, partly to help himself process what had just happened and partly because he actually needed it.

***

On their return to the Royal Orphanage proper, Wild went straight to his dorm, a bit of a bounce in his step. At first, he didn’t know why he was feeling so... springy, why there was a smile on his face. He reminded himself to be thoughtful of his feelings, and when he was finally behind the closed door to his dorm, he sat down and focused on what exactly he was feeling. He decided to open the book and see if he could find what exactly he was experiencing.

The book was called Atlas of Emotions and it begun with listing five categories called Universal Emotions: Disgust, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Enjoyment. Wild ruled out anger immediately, sadness as well, disgust and fear following suit. What he was feeling was certainly Enjoyment.

Enjoyment contains both peace and ecstasy. The intensity of these states varies: We can feel mild or strong peacefulness, but we can only feel intense ecstasy. All states of enjoyment are triggered by feeling connection and/or/sensory pleasure.

There was a chart, listing a feeling on the scale from least intense to most intense, and descriptions of each feelings were provided. Wild went from the lowest to highest, searching for what exactly he felt. First was Sensory Pleasure, which was enjoyment derived through physical senses. Wild was certain it was not quite it, although... perhaps it could be called a pleasure through sight? Perhaps sound as well. And... maybe touch. It all lingered, and it all connected to Artful. The sight of him, how nice he looked, how cute and... desirable. The sound of his voice, neat and nice and pleasant as well, and... the warm touch of their bodies together when they slept. A part of Wild wanted to be disgusted at himself, wanted him to hate it all, to hate how he felt, but it wasn’t quite strong enough this time, easily dispelled and banished.

After Sensory Pleasure was Rejoicing, which was a warm, uplifting feeling that people experience when they see acts of goodness, kindness, and compassion, which was also called elevation. If Wild thought about it, perhaps he felt Rejoicing too - he saw Artful acting with kindness and compassion to him, telling him outright that everything was fine and there was no rush, that Wild wasn’t some freak because he was in therapy, and that Artful respected that Wild wasn’t ready for any close relationship. The same part of Wild that wanted him to be disgusted at himself whispered in his ears, telling him that Artful was faking it, yet... Wild couldn’t bring himself to agree. Artful was not like the person who lured him into sexual slavery. If he was, Wild would have known by now, considering the powers he had. Artful hadn’t had a single thought about doing something bad to Wild, and so, logically, he was not going to do anything bad to him in reality. At least, not knowingly, certainly not deliberately.

Wild was so glad for his ability to catch thoughts, it made understanding others much easier. At least he could now be certain when his fears were unfounded and when he needed to be cautious and aware. With Artful, it appeared he did not, in fact, need to approach it like a possible hostile situation but... only how one would approach a friend.

The next feeling was Compassion, which was enjoyment of helping to relieve another person’s suffering. This was certainly not it, although Wild knew Artful was perhaps feeling it. A part of Wild suggested he was undeserving of compassion, but he didn’t listen to it, not now.

The feeling after that was Amusement - light, playful feelings of enjoyment and good humor. This was certainly not it, but the negative part of him hinted that Artful was perhaps feeling amusement at Wild’s awkwardness and the fact that he was getting therapy. This did not stick, not this time. Wild reminded himself that he would know if Artful was amused at Wild’s... inadequacies.

Then was Schadenfreude, which was enjoyment of the misfortunes of another person, usually a rival. Wild knew how it felt, and he had felt it plenty of times to know this feeling intimately, but this wasn’t what he was feeling. Right now, he had no serious rival, and no other person he would glad to enjoy the suffering of... at least not close enough for him to see them suffer.

After that was Relief - when something expected to be unpleasant, especially the threat of harm, is avoided or comes to an end. Wild realized that there was indeed relief that he was feeling, relief at not being rejected, relief of not being insulted for who he was, relief that he could come out as gay, at least to one person, and not be harmed for that, relief that... that he could be liked. The darker part of him suggested that others would be relieved when he would finally disappeared, when the burden of his existence would be gone from their shoulders. He did not allow this thought to take over him.

After Relief was Peace, an experience of ease and contentment. Wild... was feeling that. He knew it wouldn’t last, but he was determined to enjoy it while it did.

Then was Pride, which was deep pleasure and satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements or the achievements of an associate. It was not what he was feeling, and he was reminded that he had nothing to be proud of because he was nothing. His skills didn’t matter, his existence didn’t matter, and... he banished that thought. This day, he would not consider it.

The next feeling was Fiero - enjoyment of meeting a difficult challenge. He... was unsure of this one. He definitely had a difficult challenge ahead - getting better so that he could, perhaps, one day, someday, say yes to Artful’s question, to allow himself to be pulled into a relationship and enjoy it. However, he was not sure he enjoyed that challenge. He would really much rather have completed it already, overcome the obstacles and became whom he wanted to be.

Then there was Naches, which was joyful pride in the accomplishments of one’s children or mentees. Wild was absolutely certain he would never feel that one because he would not have children, although he didn’t know what the last word meant. He found a dictionary in his room and searched for the word, and it wasn’t long before he found the definition - a mentee is one who is mentored; a person who is being mentored. Then he looked up what ‘mentored’ meant, and finally knew. In truth... perhaps he would feel it one day? However, he couldn’t really see himself being a mentor or a teacher or a guide. After all, he hardly knew anything.

The feeling Wonder followed Naches and meant an experience of something that is very surprising, beautiful, amazing or hard to believe. Wild... he was certainly feeling that, considering Artful’s acceptance of him, and how Artful called him nice. It was definitely hard to believe and... even amazing. Without a doubt very surprising.

The second to last feeling was Excitement - a powerful enthusiasm. Wild... likely felt it, but he couldn’t tell. Was he excited to become better through therapy? Perhaps. Was he excited to, one day, be in a relationship, a relationship he had never expected to be in before? Maybe. In the end, it was hard to tell, so he moved to the last feeling.

Ecstasy - rapturous delight. A state of very great happiness, nearly overwhelming. He was... not quite there, he thought. Maybe one day he would feel it, when... when he was finally alright, when everything broken inside him was fixed, when he would love and be loved. Then, he would feel ecstasy.

Wild put the book down, satisfied with it for now. Unfortunately, his mood was slightly soured when he realized he still had his journal to fill. However, now that he knew what he was feeling, it was going to be easy. Well, perhaps easy was far from the right word, but it would, at the very least, be easier than he would have expected the day before. He would also need to go over the events of that day, but he felt it wouldn’t be - or, at least, hopefully wouldn’t be - particularly hard.

Wild disregarded his earlier writings and continued anew.

Artful invited me to a game, I agreed. I was uncertain but it turned out to be fun. Jade was there too, I didn’t mind her. We had fun, and then rain started, and Artful suggested we spend the night at a cabin in the nearby forest because it would be cozy. It was. We made food, it was tasty. I

Then there was a long pause as Wild debated within himself how to write it all down. What he had already written was, without a doubt, awkward to the highest degree, but then he knew he wasn’t a writer. In truth, he hadn’t had to write anything creatively or elaborately in quite a long time. Last time was... when he was still at school, perhaps? It was probably an essay of some kind, he didn’t really remember anymore.

I went to bed with Artful and Jade. I was uncertain. Apprehensive. Maybe fearful. But it was nice, I slept well, didn’t have any bad dreams. I woke up, and it was pleasant. Artful proposed to me. Not marriage, but a possibility of a relationship. Looking at him was nice, I wanted to agree. In the moment, I also wanted to wanted him. But I said no because I’m not ready. It would be unfair to him if I agreed. Maybe I will agree in the future when I’m better, but not now. Not for a long time.

Wild thought for a moment, then added one last line.

There is hope that I will live a nice, peaceful, joyful life.

Author's Note

Published this chapter a bit early today because I finally don't feel sick much. I still have coughing fits when I wake up, but I'm otherwise fine. I have also managed to get an appointment with a dentist in November because suddenly a time was freed on their schedule, and since then I have been receiving care. My tooth no longer aches noticeably, and more things will be done to fix my teeth in general because their condition kinda sucks. That's what I get for not brushing my teeth at all as a child. In other words, "Actions, meet Consequences."

Atlas of Emotions is a real and quite useful thing.