The RED Cataclysm

Chapter Three: Medic vs. Ponyville

The ponies stared up at the Medic with terror in their eyes, shifting around nervously as though they were looking for escape routes. Which, to be fair, they were. The Medic stared at the crowd of ponies eagerly, eyes darting willy-nilly between the unicorns, as though he was sizing them up. Which, to be fair, he was.

“Come on, no takers?” he said, his smile fading as he holstered his Solemn Vow. “Really? No von? Come on… You’d be advancink ze cause of science by several veeks, maybe even months! As a vise man vonce said, I’m not just bangink rocks against each ozzer over here. I know how to put a man back togezzer. Admittedly, I’m not… qvite sure how to put von of you back togezzer, but it can’t be zat different, right? I’ll learn as I go. Zat’s ze point.”

Most of the ponies shook their heads frantically. A few of them took a few steps backwards. The Medic sighed exasperatedly. “All right. In zat case, you leave me vis no choice,” he said. Suddenly, he yanked his Solemn Vow out again. “Ve can do zis ze easy vay or the hard vay!”

That caused several things to happen at once. Most of the ponies in the crowd turned tail and fled, screaming in terror. To the Medic’s surprise, some of them leapt into the air and took off on previously-unseen pairs of wings. How he managed to miss the fact that some of the ponies were pegasus ponies escaped him.

Ha, ha, ha. You’re hilarious, Discord.

Gee, thanks, Helen! That means a lot to me. Anyway, the Medic charged forward at Twilight. Twilight gasped and scrambled backward. “Get away from me!” she frantically blurted out.

The dragon, moving quickly, as though relying on instinct, stepped in front of his mistress and belched a green plume of flame up at the Medic’s face. The fire spread across his entire body in a matter of milliseconds. You know, like you do. The Medic screamed and skidded to a stop as his body was engulfed in green, sparkly fire.

“I AM MELTING!” he shrieked.

“O-Oh my gosh, what did I do?!” Spike blurted out, clapping his claws over his mouth. There was a hilarious look of terror on his face.

The Medic looked down and smirked a devilish but pained smirk. “Oh, calm down. Zis is— ngh!— just anozzer Monday for me,” he sneered.

Before the Medic was even done speaking, Twilight stepped forward again. Her horn glowed with the purplish aura of her magic, and there was a sudden, surprisingly powerful gust of wind. With a loud, sickening (if you’re not used to it) sizzle, the fire went out, revealing a series of painful-looking welts. “There! A-Are you all right?” she said frantically.

“Oh, I’m fine,” the Medic said, smiling warmly. “Danke schön. Zat was very kind of you.”

Twilight blinked and donned a confused expression. “Huh, I’ll need to look into that,” she muttered to herself.

“Wh-What about your—” Spike started.

“I’ll be okay,” the Medic replied, tapping one of the welts on his cheek. “I haff a natural healing factor. Look.” Twilight and Spike looked up at the Medic’s face. To their incredible surprise, the welts on his face and, indeed, the rest of his body looked to be shrinking before their eyes.

“Th-That’s fantastic!” Twilight blurted out.

“It is, isn’t it?” the Medic chuckled. “Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.” And then he punted Spike right over Twilight’s head.

“SPIKE!” Twilight screamed, whipping around and catching Spike in midair with her magic. The Medic took the opportunity to raise his Solemn Vow over his head and dart for Twilight. He was right about to bring the bust down on her neck when something slammed into his side, sending him flying and knocking the wind clean out of him.

“Twilight, RUN!” a certain throaty, tomboyish mare shouted. “Get out of here! I’ll keep him busy!” Twilight didn’t need any more encouragement. She set the woozy Spike down on her back and charged around her library tree, practically diving through the front door.

The Medic, oblivious to this, scrambled to his feet as quick as he could, gasping for breath. Once he was on his feet again, he got his first good look at his attacker. His attacker, as it turned out, was a light blue pegasus mare with a vibrant ed mane with all the colors of the rainbow in it. And she was another one of my nemeses, if you must know. She hovered at about his eye level, and she glared into his eyes with all the ferocity of someone who knew the world would be conquered and/or destroyed if they lost their battle. “C’mon, tough guy! You and me!” the mare shouted, raising her hooves and throwing a few jabs.

“You can fly!” the Medic observed, raising his eyebrows and grinning excitedly.

“Well, duh!” countered the rainbow pegasus (whose name happens to be Rainbow).

“Zat’s very interestink,” the Medic continued, rubbing his chin. “Horses are far too heavy to achieve flight vere I come from. I vonder if you haff hollow bones…”

“Quit talking about bones already!” Rainbow shouted.

“Very vell zen,” the Medic sneered. He twirled his bust over in his hand like a dueler’s pistol and swung it wildly in front of him once before pointing it right at Rainbow’s face. “Come over here! I promise I vill heal you!”

Rainbow shot forward, leaving nothing a faint rainbow-colored blur in her wake. The Medic only had a fraction of a second to react, but he had sixteen years of combat experience under his belt, not counting Incident Oh-Seven, and by God, he was gonna use it. He swung his bust for the fences and clocked Rainbow right in the head. She was knocked out of her trajectory and sent tumbling through the air toward the big spooky forest in the distance. She tumbled across the field for a few yards and eventually skidded to a stop.

“You’re lucky ze Unicorn Man is my top priority right now!” the Medic shouted after her. “Ozzervise, your pegasus guts vould be strewn all over an autopsy table!”

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Rainbow slurred, her eyes rotating in opposite directions.

“It’s probably a concussion!” the Medic shouted over his shoulder, charging around the tree with a manic grin on his face. And then he proceeded to shout what is quickly becoming my favorite battle cry: “Onvard! FOR SCIENCE!”

Meanwhile, in the cave where the Engineer and the Pyro were taking shelter, meanwhile, the Engineer had been busy. His Dispenser, which as you know is basically a big ammo vending machine that heals you if you stand next to it, was fully built and upgraded to Level 3, the highest level there was. There was also a machine in front of the Dispenser that was taller than the man who’d built it: a Level 3 Sentry. That five-legged metal monstrosity swiveled from side to side, beeping every so often, aiming its dual minigun barrels and rocket launcher into the depths of the cave, ready to take out anything that tried moving too fast in front of it. Or, naturally, anything that had the misfortune of being blue.

The Engineer, meanwhile, was sitting atop his dispenser, strumming an acoustic guitar he’d Pocketmanced up and singing a sanctioned song from Earth-TTG1-03. How’d it go again? “War! What is it good for? It’s good for you, it’s good for me! War! What is it good for? It strengthens the economy!” Or maybe that’s just how I remember it.

Behind him, there was a muffled sound that could’ve been a moan or a sigh.

The Engineer quickly glanced behind him to see the Pyro lying on the floor of the cave, resting its chin in its hands. It started when it saw him turn around.

“How long’ve ya been up, Pyro?” the Engineer asked, tossing the guitar away heedlessly and paying no mind whatsoever to the fact that it split cleanly in two when it slammed against the wall of the cave.

“Rrr, nrrt lrrng…” the Pyro giggled. It picked it hat up off the ground, stood up and put it back on. “Rrr jrrsht lrrk lrrshrrnrrng trr yrr shrrng, Rrnjrrnrrr.” It tilted its head to the side innocently.

“Yeah, I know ya do,” the Engineer sighed, swivelling around and hopping off his Dispenser, “but I was just playin’ while I waited for ya to get up.”

“Wrrd yrr brrld thrrsh?” the Pyro asked, gesturing to the two red machines.

“Oh, I just… thought there was sum’n in here with us,” the Engineer answered, pulling out a second PDA with a big red button on it. He tapped the screen with his gloved finger a couple of times, then pressed the big red button. Just like that, the Dispenser and Sentry both exploded into worthless piles of scrap metal. “But that ain’t important right now! The Medic got attacked by a cockatrice earlier, an’ ‘e ‘ad t’ respawn t’ get out of it!”

The Pyro gasped. “Rrshprrn?” it repeated. “Brrt thrr prrtrrlsh rrwt rrn thrr mrrdrrl rrf rr vrrlrrj!”

“Exactly!” the Engineer said, wiping his hairless forehead. “We gotta get t’ that village quick, an’ make sure ‘e doesn’t go on some kinda science-fueled rampage!”

“Brrt thrrt hrrprrnsh rrffrry trrm!” the Pyro pointed out.

“Then I guess we’ll just hafta do damage control,” the Engineer countered, “but either way, we gotta skedaddle! On my six, double time!” And with that, he charged into the forest, headed in the general direction of the village. “C’mon, hustle!” he shouted over his shoulder.

“Rrr rrm hrrshlrrng!” the Pyro pointed out, running right behind him with a noticeable spring in its step.

The Engineer was so surprised, he almost broke stride. “Well, you’re certainly cheery this mornin’,” he observed.

“Mm-hmm!” the Pyro replied, nodding vigorously. It leapt into the air as it walked and clicked its heels. No, really.

“Wow,” the Engineer remarked, arching his eyebrows and turning away to look where he was running. “What’s gotcha in such a good mood?”

“Rrr mrrd rr frrrnd!” the Pyro answered.

The Engineer took three more steps before coming to a stop, allowing the Pyro just enough time to avoid slamming into him. “Ya… made a… friend?” he repeated.

“Mm-hmm!” the Pyro replied happily, nodding.

The Engineer turned around, his mouth hanging open loosely. “Pyro…” he mumbled, “…y-you know there are regulations against that…”

“Nrr, shrrllrry!” the Pyro giggled. “Rrr mrrt hrrm rrn Prrrrlrrnd lrrsht nrrt!”

“Oh!” the Engineer blurted out, letting out a deep breath. He took off his hard hat, which would’ve made his head glisten in the morning sun if said sun hadn’t been blocked by the forest canopy, and mopped his brow. “An imaginary friend! Phew… Ya had me worried there for a second.”

“Hrr crrlsh hrrmshrrlf Drrshrrdrrn!” the Pyro said happily, clapping its hands. “Hrrsh frrnrry rrnd shmrrt rrnd hrrsh grrt shrrch rr grrt vrrsh! Wrr plrryd trrgrrthrr frr rrwrrsh! Wrr hrrd shrr mrrch frrn!”

A shiver went down the Engineer’s spine. “W-Well, I’m glad ya had fun, at least,” he murmured, cringing as he put his hard hat back on.

“Lrrsht wrrn trr thrr vrrlrrjrrsh rr rrrtrrn rrg!” the Pyro suddenly shouted, charging ahead. The Engineer hesitated only for a moment before whipping around and running after it.

“Pyro, if this Desorden fella can make ya this happy this early in the morning,” he said, “he might not have your best interests at heart.”

“Wrr drr yrr hrrt rrt wrrn Rrrm hrrprry, Rrnjrrnrr?” the Pyro asked, sounding disheartened.

The Engineer sighed. “Pyro, y’know that ain’t it,” he said. “I’m just sayin’, I find it kinda hard t’ trust a guy who introduces ‘imself in Pyroland. I don’t wanna spoil your fun, but… maybe ya shouldn’t be talkin’ to ‘im. An’ let’s be honest, ‘is name’s a little sinister.”

“Hrrsh nrrt hrr rrrt nrrw, rrnrrywrry!” the Pyro pointed out.

“Well, I kinda figured that,” the Engineer sighed. “Where is ‘e, if ‘e ain’t ‘ere?”

“Hrr shrrd hrr crrdnt trrk trr mrr rrn thrr drrytrrm!” the Pyro answered. “Brrt hrr trrld mrr rrff Rrr wrrnt trr shrry hrrm rrgrrn, rrll Rrr hrrff trr drr rrsh lrrk rrnshrrd mrryshrrlf! Rrnd rrff thrrt drrshrrnt wrrk, Rrrll shrr hrrm rrn Prrrrlrrnd rrgrrn trrnrrt!”

The Engineer blinked, not that you could tell that with his goggles. “Look inside yourself?” he repeated. “So if ya wanna see your imaginary friend again, ya gotta use some philosophical mumbo-jumbo or sleep? That’s a weird business model for an imaginary friend. Y’sure ‘e ain’t some native psychic tryin’ a’ mess with ya? Or, for that matter, just a voice in your head?”

“Yrrr jrrsht brryrrng prrrhrrnrryd,” the Pyro countered.

“I—” the Engineer started. However, he eventually sighed. “You’re right, I am bein’ paranoid,” he said, vaulting over a fallen log just a fraction of a second after the Pyro did. “He’s just an imaginary friend, after all. How much harm could ‘e do?”

I love when ponies say that, too.

Meanwhile, the Medic was staring at the tree that Twilight had vanished into— or more specifically, the purple, translucent force field that had been suddenly erected around it.

“Come on… Tvilight Sparkle, you said your name vas?” he said, grinning up at the unicorn on the balcony. “I zink you’re overreactink a little, Fräu Sparkle.”

“Overreacting?!” Twilight shouted back. “You threatened to cut me open, and you attacked one of my friends!”

“Vell, now zat ve’re in a position to negotiate consent,” the Medic countered, smiling a charming smile, “vat are ze odds you’d let me poke around your body a bit?”

“No!” Twilight answered, flinching as though she was keeping herself from stepping back.

“Come on!” the Medic said, grinning at her in a manner intended to be charming. “You’d stay avake for ze whole procedure, if zat helps!”

“What?!” Twilight blurted out, her irises shrinking to the size of pinpricks. “You want to operate on me sans anesthesia?!”

“Is zere any ozzer vay?” the Medic countered, chuckling at his own joke. Twilight took a few nervous steps backwards and squeezed her eyes shut. A beam of purple energy shot out of her horn, reinforcing the force field. “Oh, come on!” the Medic said, throwing his arms out to his sides. “It’s a very low-risk procedure!”

“Go away!” Twilight shouted. That’s a perfectly fair reaction to all this.

“Look,” the Medic spat, crossing his arms, “if I can replace my own heart, I’m pretty sure I can vivisect an alien I’ve never seen before!”

Twilight’s irises grew somewhat, and she raised one eyebrow. “What do you mean, you replaced your own heart?” she asked, stepping forward and leaning over the balcony.

“Vell, it’s not like I had a choice,” the Medic explained, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, no von else on my team can perform open-heart surgery. Vhat was I going to do, talk ze Engineer zhrough it? I don’t zink so. He’s a smart man, some vould say a genius, but he’s not zat smart.”

“What do you mean, your—” Twilight started. However, she stopped abruptly mid-sentence. She blinked a few times, then looked back down at the Medic. “Wait, no. What do you mean, ‘alien?’ Are you from another planet?”

The Medic stared up at her and grinned. He extended his hand to Twilight, and his eyes suddenly began glowing with yellow light. “Vhy don’t you let me in, and I’ll explain it?” he proposed, beckoning to her.

Twilight legitimately considered the proposal for a few moments. After a while, however, her self-preservation instinct won out, and she trotted quickly back into the library and slammed the door shut behind her.

“Hm. Zat usually vorks,” the Medic remarked. The light in his eyes faded away, and he shrugged dismissively. “Oh, vell. Your loss, Fräu Sparkle!” he shouted up at the closed door. He turned around and set off into Ponyville proper without another word.

After only a few moments, the Medic set out to decide which of the many thatched-roof cottages in Ponyville to break into and extract a test subject from. He quickly decided on a two-story building that was fairly close to the tree he’d started from. It was easy to make the decision. After all, a unicorn was looking out a window on the second floor, staring at him with a combination of terror and fascination. And when the Medic noticed her, she didn’t look away.

The Medic smirked and charged up to the house. Common sense told him the door would be locked, possibly barricaded, so he didn’t bother trying to open it. Instead, he hurled his Solemn Vow at the first-floor window. It shattered into a thousand pieces, allowing a piercing shriek to make its way into the town proper. The Medic easily vaulted through the window and picked his bust up from where it had fallen. The house he found himself in looked pretty basic: entry hall, family room off to the left, a small dining room dead ahead, and a staircase just off the foyer. The only thing really out of the ordinary about the house was the cream-white earth pony standing in the foyer, holding a frying pan in her mouth.

“Sh-Shtrry brrck!” she said around the pan. “Rrff grrt rr prrn, rrnd Rrrm nrrt rrfrrrd trr rrsh rrt!”

“Zat’s nice,” the Medic sneered, smirking a devilish smirk as he holstered his Solemn Vow. “You know vat I’ve got zat I’m not afraid to use?” He suddenly reached to his hip and pulled out his syringe gun. “A Blutsauger!” He loosed six syringes out of the forty that were in his clip. His target screamed, dropping the pan, and galloped away from him. But she didn’t move in time to dodge all the needles. One of them struck her in the side, two struck her in the right hind leg, and the other three missed. She darted into the dining room, screaming in pain and leaving the Medic to his business. He cackled, ignoring her agony, and charged up the stairs.

As soon as he was at the top of the stairs, he saw a door to his immediate left that was half-open. Inside he saw a fairly messy-looking room. The bed was unmade, parchment and quills were scattered across the floor, and a desk was pushed up against the wall, positively covered in parchment. The Medic also noticed what looked like a golden lyre sitting on the bed.

Staring at the Medic from across the room was a mint-green unicorn with a green-and-white mane, the same one that’d been staring at him before he’d entered the building. The Medic guessed that she was female, and he guessed correctly. Her expression was just as terrified as he’d expected it to be, but there was also a certain element of awe to it. He stepped forward, closing the door behind him with his foot, and pointed his syringe gun right at the unicorn’s face. “Guten Tag, Fräulein,” he sneered, slowly stepping toward her. “I am ze RED Medic, and I vill be your doctor zis morning.”

After a few attempts, the unicorn finally managed to speak. “You’re… a human, aren’t you?” she asked.

The Medic blinked and stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yes, I am,” he answered, shaping his lips into a straight line and nodding. “Vell spotted.”

“Are you… real?” the unicorn asked, slowly crossing the room. “Am I… dreaming this?”

“I don't zink you’re dreaming, but I don’t haff any surefire vay of findink out,” the Medic replied. “As for vhezzer I’m real, zat depends on your definition of ze vord. Unicorns aren’t technically real, but ve’re havink zis conversation, aren’t ve?”

“Yes… we are…” the unicorn breathed. Slowly, as if she was afraid she’d wake up if she moved too fast, she lifted her hoof and gently placed it against the Medic’s leg. When he didn’t dissipate into dust at her touch, the reality of the situation seemed to sink in for her. “Oh… oh, my gosh! I don’t believe it!” she cried out, staring up into the Medic’s eyes in absolute awe. “A real, live human!”

“I take it humans are uncommon here,” the Medic quipped.

“Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh…” the unicorn blurted out, beaming like a child on Smissmass morning. “I-I don’t believe it! I never thought this day would come!” She began to leap into the air out of pure excitement. “I mean I thought you looked like a human when I saw you appear at that giant ball of light behind the library this morning but… but… b-b-b-b-but you’re here! Y-You’re actually here, talking to me! This is a dream come true! I-I’m Lyra! Lyra Heartstrings!”

“Hello, Lyra,” the Medic replied, smiling and crossing his arms. “Vould you like to take part in a little experiment?”

Lyra suddenly stopped jumping, and her smile slowly faded. “But… when you first showed up, you said…” she pointed out. She didn’t finish her sentence, but she didn’t really need to.

“Yes, I’m talkink about ze same experiment,” the Medic confirmed, nodding. “But I never got around to explaining somezink earlier.” He reached behind his back and pulled out a long black tube that was definitely not just a repurposed fire hose.

“What’s that?” Lyra asked, tilting her head to the side.

“It’s called a Medigun,” the Medic explained. “I von’t bore you vis ze details, but basically, I’ve got some… classified materials and some human blood in my backpack here. Ven ze two liqvids meet, zey produce a gas byproduct. Specifically, gas vis remarkable healing properties—more powerful zan anyzink most high-level Vitamancers can produce. At ze ‘low’ setting, the gas vill keep you alive vhile sustaining an ozzervise mortal vound, up to and including ze loss of at least zhree vital organs. At ze high setting, it’ll heal any and all injuries you receive and get your body vorking at higher-zan-peak capacity.”

“Really?” Lyra asked, looking back up at the Medic in awe.

“Absolutely,” the Medic continued, nodding. “Ze gas even filters out most of ze pain, even at ze low setting. So really, being vivisected is a very low-risk procedure.” He smirked, and his eyes began glowing yellow again. “I don’t suppose you’d be villink to participate?”

Lyra hesitated for a moment before answering, looking down at her hooves and shuffling from side to side gently. It was clear from looking at her that she was considering her options. Eventually, she looked the Medic right in the glowing yellow eyes. “Yes,” she murmured. “Yes, Red. I trust you.”

The Medic’s smirk grew wider, and his eyes stopped glowing. “Excellent,” he said, stroking his chin. “Unfortunately, I don’t haff any good-qvality surgical implements on me. If you’ve got a knife or somezink around here…”

Lyra’s horn activated, glowing a faint greenish-yellow. A smooth-edged bread knife suddenly emerged from under the piles of paper on the desk, surrounded by an aura of the same color, and began to levitate toward the Medic.

“Vere’d zat come from?” the Medic asked.

“Bon Bon gave it to me to defend myself with,” Lyra replied.

“Vell,” the Medic chuckled, plucking the knife out of the air, “zat didn’t go very vell, did it?”

Lyra and the Medic shared a few moments of awkward laughter. Suddenly, Lyra reared up on her hind legs and placed her hooves on his shoulders. The Medic almost lost his balance at this, but he didn’t. He was surprised to see that this made her slightly taller than him, forcing him to look up slightly into her eyes.

“Take me, Red,” she whispered. “I’m ready.”

You might think the Medic was creeped out by how that was worded… if you didn’t know him. “Jawohl, Fräu Heartstrings,” he replied, letting out a sinister chuckle.

Lyra returned the Medic’s smirk in earnest. Her horn glowed again, and her bedroom door securely locked itself.

Meaner-while, back in the forest…

The Engineer and the Pyro had hoped to encounter a native as they traveled through the forest, but that hadn’t happened. Even when they found and stepped onto the path they’d been so careful to avoid last night, nothing had come of it. However, the marked and well-traveled trail gave the Engineer a bit of an advantage, and subsequently, he burst out of the forest right before the Pyro did.

“Hah!” he gasped, skidding to a stop and thrusting his fist into the air. “Suck it, Pyro!”

The Pyro giggled happily and put its hand on the Engineer’s shoulder. “Grrd grrm, Rrnjrrnrrr!” it said cheerfully.

The Engineer winced. “Might wanna sing somethin’, Pyro,” he suggested.

The Pyro nodded and dutifully began singing Sanctioned Song #3 under its breath. “Cwrrndrr rrshtrrsh trr drrffrrshtrrtrr, trrn rrshtrr rrn trr mrrntrr clrrrrw…”

The Engineer quickly started looking around. He and the Pyro just so happened to exit the forest near the large mound of dirt that looked like someone was living in it. Now that he had the advantage of sunlight, he was able to get a better look at it. The mound was surrounded on all sides by a meadow, and there was a small wooden fence behind it. In the light, the Engineer only now noticed that there was a small chicken coop in the meadow, surrounded by a wire fence. The chickens who had been milling about in the fenced-off area squawked in terror and darted back into the coop when they noticed the two approaching humans. The Engineer quickly pieced together that the chickens wouldn’t be able to help him, and decided to appeal to whatever lived in the mound.

“There’s gotta be a native in there, Pyro!” the Engineer said frantically, pointing to the mound and charging toward it. “Stay close, and let me do the talkin’!”

“…rrnrr brrlrr drry krrrsh— Hrry, wrrt rrp!” the Pyro said, charging after him.

The two of them charged around the house, and the Engineer pounded on the front door the instant his fist came within range. “Hey, anybody in there?” he said loudly. “This is important!”

The sounds of various animals being startled rang out through the house. Of particular interest was what sounded like a frantic, nervous conversation a horse and itself. The Engineer and the Pyro exchanged a mildly confused look.

“Hrry, Rrnjrry,” the Pyro said, crossing his arms and tilting its head to the side. “Brrt yrr frrff brrksh—” It raised one hand here, displaying all five fingers contained therein. “—hrrrshrrsh rrr thrr drrmrrnrrnt sprrshrrsh.”

The Engineer smiled. “You’re on,” he said, extending his own hand to the Pyro. The Pyro swept its extended hand down, grabbed the Engineer’s hand and enthusiastically shook it. And thus the die was cast.

Not even five seconds later, the door opened a tiny crack. A butter-yellow pony peeked timidly out from behind the door, attempting to hide behind her pink mane. She was a pegasus, not that the humans could tell that from where they were standing. Her blue eyes were the size of pinpricks, maybe even smaller. She also just so happens to be another nemesis of mine. Small world, am I right? She let out a nervous, stuttering, almost whimpering neigh.

“Rrrrrrrr…” the Pyro said. It kneeled down, tilted its head to the side and clasped its hands together. “Lrrk rrt yrr! Rrrnt yrr thrr mrrsht rrdrrrrbrrl thrrng Rrrff rrffrr shrrn! Yrrsh yrr rrr, yrrsh yrr rrr!”

“Pyro,” the Engineer said in a singsong voice, crossing his arms, “we’re on the clock here.”

“Rrr, yrr,” the Pyro said, climbing to its feet again and clearing its throat. “Yrr rrr mrr frrff brrksh,” it added proudly, pointing at the Engineer.

“I’ll pay ya when we get back home,” the Engineer replied. “Remind me.”

The pony let out another nervous neigh.

“I don’t think ‘e speaks English,” the Engineer observed.

“Rrr drrnt thrrnk thrrtsh rr hrr,” the Pyro corrected, tilting its head to the side.

“He, she, I can’t really tell,” the Engineer replied, scratching his head. Snrrk. “But the point is he or she doesn’t speak English, and that means we’re gonna hafta use semaphore. Stand back.” The Pyro dutifully took two small steps back. The Engineer cracked his knuckles, causing the pony to flinch away from him.

The Engineer pointed to himself with one hand and raised one finger on the other. He then pointed to the Pyro and raised another finger. Finally, he raised a third finger on his counting hand, put his pointing hand above his eyes and looked from side to side. After a few moments of this, he shrugged, pointed to the pony and tapped the side of his head.

The pony hesitated for a moment, then nervously reached one leg out the door and pointed in the general direction of Ponyville (not that they knew it was called that). The Engineer responded by giving her a cheery smile and a thumbs-up.

Then the sound of someone heaving and vomiting burst out of the door. The Engineer winced, and the Pyro clapped its hands over its mouth. The pony gasped, darted back inside and slammed the door shut behind her.

“Okay, Pyro, follow me!” the Engineer said quickly, whirling around and charging toward the distant town.

“Whrrt hrrprrnd trr thrr trry?” the Pyro asked, pointing to the tree in question.

The Engineer looked at the distant tree. “Looks like a force field got put up around it,” he observed. “There’s definitely intelligent life there. Maybe they speak English. Let’s try it again.”

When the two humans finally arrived in town, the Engineer skidded to a stop as he approached the force field. The Pyro kept going, however, and slammed into it face first.

The Engineer winced. “Y’all right, Pyro?” he asked.

The Pyro peeled itself off the force field like a cartoon character. “Rrrm rrkrry!” it said cheerfully, giving the Engineer a thumbs-up.

Just then, the door leading onto a second-floor balcony burst open, and a certain purple pony charged out.

“Rr yrrnrrcrrn?!” the Pyro blurted out. “Rrr trrk brrk wrrt Rrr shrrd rrbrrt thrrsh yrrnrrffrrsh!”

“Hey, up there!” the Engineer shouted, waving his arms over his head. Twilight started and looked over at where the voices had come from. She looked panicked before, but when she saw two more humans staring up at her, one of which appeared to lack a face, she reared back and whinnied in shock. To her credit, though, she soon got control of her emotions and did the sensible thing.

“Dammit, this one doesn’t speak English either!” the Engineer spat, stomping his foot. “Okay, Pyro, watch an’—” Before he could finish his sentence, Twilight’s horn started glowing. The Engineer stopped mid-sentence. One eyebrow shot into the air, and his head tilted almost of its own accord. “Is that what I think it is?” he wondered aloud. The Pyro didn’t say anything, still staring at the unicorn, but also tilted its head to the side. Both of their visions were obscured by light, the sound of Twilight’s magic got louder, blah blah blah. You know the drill.

Once the spell was successfully cast, Twilight looked nervously down at the two humans. “C-Can you two understand me?” she asked.

The Engineer’s eyes shot open, and his brows shot up. “We sure can!” he shouted up at her. “Wow, ya channel magic through your horn? How does that work?”

Twilight cried out in shock and terror and darted back over the balcony, sending another blast of magical energy into the force field.

“I ain’t gonna do anythin’ profane to ya to find out, ma’am!” the Engineer said frantically, raising his hands.

“What are you… you things?” Twilight asked, slowly peeking back over the balcony. “Are you aliens?”

“Ya could say that,” the Engineer replied, crossing his arms. “Technically, though, we’re human bein’s.”

“H-Humans?” Twilight repeated incredulously, leaning forward to get a better look at them. “Humans?! …W-Well, there is a pretty strong resemblance, I’ll admit, but humans aren’t real! True, they’ve appeared in the mythology of almost every culture known to ponykind, but they’re not real! They’re just myths!”

“Lemme give ya some advice, ma’am,” the Engineer said, smiling warmly. “In my personal experience, if ya assume that all myths, legends an’ prophecies are true, everythin’ gets a little easier.”

“So… wait, are you aliens or humans?” Twilight asked, starting to get confused.

The Engineer chuckled. “Technically, we’re both,” he replied.

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked.

“Rrnjrrnrrr,” the Pyro interjected in a sing-song voice, putting its hand on the Engineer’s shoulder, “wrr nrrd trr frrnd thrr Mrrdrrk.”

“Oh, yeah,” the Engineer said quickly, snapping his fingers. “Ma’am, we’re—”

“Wait a minute!” Twilight interjected. “How come I can understand you—” She pointed to the Engineer. “—but not you?” She pointed to the Pyro.

“He’s wearin’ a gas mask,” the Engineer replied.

“Oh! Oh, of course!” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “Duh! Why didn’t I think of that? I thought that was just what female humans looked like at first. I need to update my cryptozoological texts, now that I think about it…”

“‘Scuse me!” the Engineer interjected, raising his hand. “Can it wait? My friend an’ I are lookin’ for someone. He’s a human, like us. Tall, thin, black hair, glasses, lab coat—” He continued in a poor impression of a German accent. “—probably talks like zis?”

“H-Him?” Twilight blurted out, taking a few steps back. “The one who kept going on about dissecting us?”

The Engineer and the Pyro exchanged a look. “That’s him, all right!” the Engineer shouted up at Twilight. “Which way’d ‘e go?”

“I-I don’t know!” Twilight answered. “He ran off into Ponyville! I don’t know which way he went, but I heard glass breaking in that direction a while ago!” She quickly pointed in the direction of Lyra’s house.

“Much obliged, ma’am!” the Engineer said, giving Twilight a warm smile and tipping his hard hat. “Keep that force field up! When the good doctor’s under control, we’ll come back an’ letcha know!”

“Doctor?!” Twilight repeated, incredulously. But the Engineer and Pyro were already running headfirst into Ponyville, leaving Twilight in the dust behind them.

“Thanks for your help, ma’am!” the Engineer shouted over his shoulder.

“Grrdbrry, yrrnrrcrrn!” the Pyro said, waving to Twilight as it ran backwards after the Engineer. And then the two of them turned a corner and were gone.

Twilight was left just standing there, dazed and confused. It was only a few moments for most of the world, but I’m sure it felt like a lifetime to her. “…What… just happened?” she wondered aloud. It was a perfectly legitimate question.

The Engineer and the Pyro found a house with a broken window easily. Without wasting any time, the Engineer vaulted through the window and opened the door for the Pyro. “Thrrnk yrr,” it said, stepping into the foyer.

The Engineer heard a faint moan behind him and whipped around to see a white earth pony lying on the floor of the foyer. She wasn’t moving a whole lot, aside from the odd shiver and shallow breathing, but she did look really scared.

The Pyro gasped and put its hand to its air filter. “Rrr nrrw…” it murmured. “R-Rrnjrry, rrsh shrry rrkrry?”

“I’ll find out,” the Engineer said, stepping forward and kneeling down in front of her. “Can ya hear me, ma’am?” he asked.

The pony groaned. “Y… Yes…”

“Oh, good,” the Engineer said, putting his hand on his chest. He took the opportunity to examine the pony, and noticed a dark red stain on her side and leg. More to the point, he saw syringes sticking out of those areas. “Another human’s been through ‘ere, right?” he asked.

“Uh… huh,” the pony moaned.

“Where’d ‘e go?” the Engineer asked, gently placing his gloved hand on the pony’s side.

“Up… stairs…” the pony replied, not making any indication that she felt his touch.

“…Anybody up there with him?” the Engineer asked, cringing.

“My… sister…” the pony answered, her eyes beginning to glaze over.

“All right, we’ll take care a’ this,” the Engineer asked, standing up. “Don’t worry, ma’am. We’ll get’cha some help. Just hold on for a few more minutes. Pyro, on my six.”

The two of them climbed the stairs as quickly and quietly as they could. When they reached the top of the stairs, the Engineer immediately saw a closed door to his left. He raised his hand, signalling the Pyro to stop, and pressed his ear against the door. He heard what was going on in the room and winced. “Oh God, please don’t let that be what I think it is…” he said under his breath. He stood up and tried the knob, and wasn’t surprised to find it locked. So he did what any mercenary would do.

He pulled out his shotgun, pointed it at the lock, making sure to angle it toward the ground, and took a deep breath. “One… two…” And then he shot out the lock and kicked the door open.

Now, see if you can guess where I’m going with this.

“NOBODY MO— Oh, GOD! MEDIC, YOU PROMISED!” he shouted, rearing backwards and covering his eyes.

The Pyro reared back, clapped its hands over its eyeholes, and shrieked.

“Zis isn’t vat it looks like!” the Medic blurted out. “It started as a vivisection, but zen it vent horribly wrong!”

Author's Note

If you only learn one thing from this chapter, make it this: war is only tragic when you want it to be. At any rate, thank you all for continuing to put up with this garbage. Loved it? Hated it? Were indifferent towards it? Tell me why in the comments! Otherwise, how can I conform my story to the expectations and whims of every single person who reads it, thus making it perfect by everyone's standards?