The RED Cataclysm

Chapter Six: Fiery Passion

I lean back and stroke my beard a bit. “Let’s see…” I say to myself. “There are three ways the story could go from here, but I’m not sure which one to take first. Hmm, what do do…?” Suddenly, an idea occurs to me. A grin spreading across my face, I snap my fingers and turn to Helen. “I know! Why don’t you decide!”

Helen tilts her head to the side. The look on her face is one of bewilderment. Bewilderment doesn’t become her quite as well as annoyance or smugness. Not that I’m complaining… “You’re giving me control over the story?” she says. “You must not have noticed the negative consequences to trusting me.”

I burst out laughing for what feels like a very long time. Eventually, I put my hand on my chest and take a deep breath. “I’m willing to take that risk,” I chuckle. “So, what do you want to hear about first?” I reach behind my ear, pull out three playing cards with red backs and hold them out to her. “Pick a card, any card.”

She screws her face up in concentration for a few moments, and the cards are covered by a dark purple aura. For the briefest of moments, her magic flows over my talon-tips. It feels like a cool breeze is blowing over them… and they’re being set on fire. I yank my hand away instinctively and cry out in pain as she plucks the cards out of my hand. “Be careful with your magic!” I blurt out, sounding a little angrier than I’d meant to. Helen doesn’t apologize for singing my fingers. I don’t think she even noticed me.

Luna’s mane, she’s beautiful.

Helen sighs and begins looking over the cards one at a time, hiding two of them behind the first. She reads what’s on the first card. “Allegations of Trazism…” She puts that card behind the first one. “Willful provocation of a crippling phobia…” She flips to the last card. Suddenly, her eyebrow goes up and she cocks her head to the side. “Refusal to admit to one’s sexuality? What is the link between these, exactly?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’s there if you look hard enough,” I reply, smiling in satisfaction. “Seriously, though, they’re all connected to where we left off. So go on, pick one.”

Helen’s eyes shift between the cards for a few moments. She can’t seem to decide which of the cards to pick, and she looks over each of them in silence for a very long time. Seconds pass in silence. Entire minutes go by as she considers her decision. Watching her concentrate, I feel the pain of my singed fingertips lessen ever so slightly. I hear a faint, wistful sigh from a long way away. Luna’s mane, she’s beautiful.

I’m so enraptured by her that I don’t notice that the cards are smoking until it’s too late. Before I know what’s happening, the three cards burst into flame. Helen’s eyes go wide with surprise. So do mine.

I snap my fingers, and the cards teleport out of her magic aura, back into my hands. I shake them vigorously, and the fire goes out. I take a deep breath and turn back to Helen. “You need to work on that,” I chuckle.

“I take it that wasn’t supposed to happen?” Helen sighs, rolling her eyes at me.”

“I guess your new body’s not be quite used to using magic yet,” I say. “You might want to take it easy with that for now. Keep it up, and your horn’ll catch fire.

Helen sighs again. “Very well, then,” she snarls. “Out of the three options you’ve given me, I am the most curious as to how you’re going to work your sexuality into this.”

My eyebrow goes up, and I let out an undignified snort. “Oh, are you?” I sneer.

I could swear I see Helen’s mouth twitch. She makes a big production out of rolling her eyes. “Academically,” she scoffs.

“You keep telling myself, my darling,” I sneer. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not the one on trial here. I came to terms with my omnisexuality millennia ago. No, I’m talking about the sexuality of one of my nemeses.”

“Oh,” Helen says, sitting down. “Very well, then.”

“Disappointed?” I ask. I point to her, smirk, and click my tongue a couple of times.

“Just tell your story,” Helen commands, lowering her head slightly. Is that a smirk? I can’t tell.

I give her a quick salute. “Ma’am, yes ma’am!”

The Pyro ended up tagging along beside the Medic like an obedient little puppy. They didn’t say anything. It was a pretty long, awkward walk. The Medic went to the outskirts of Ponyville, and the Pyro tagged along beside him. It would’ve been better if the Medic hadn’t made everypony afraid of him when he first showed up, but sadly, this was not the case.

So, anyway, they ended up at that little cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville. There were lots of furry animals scampering around in the field next to the cottage, but some of them seemed to scamper away when they noticed the two humans approaching. Some of them stayed in one place, though. The Pyro was taken in by the majesty and whimsy of the situation, and scampered off toward the field, giggling like the little child it was. It skipped all the way over there, leaping over the river instead of taking the perfectly good bridge.

By the time it reached the field, most of the animals had gone into hiding. The only one that was left was a very brave-looking white rabbit, crossing his little bunny arms and giving the Pyro a thousand-mile stare.

“Hrrlrrw, Mrrshtrrr Rrrbrrt!” the Pyro said, falling to its knees and extending its hand to the rabbit. “Rrrm thrr—”

The instant the Pyro’s hand came within range, the bunny jumped onto its hind legs kicked it. It didn’t hurt, of course—I mean, what’s a bunny going to do against an experienced mercenary in a rubber-and-asbestos suit of armor?—but the Pyro did withdraw its hand in surprise. “Hrry, wrrt wrrsh thrrt frr?” it asked.

The bunny just flattened its long ears against his head and bared his teeth at the Pyro. If I didn’t know better, I’d have sworn he growled at it.

“Rrrw, drrnt brry lrrk thrrt!” the Pyro said, tilting its head to the side and weaving its fingers together. “Rrr drrnt wrrnt trr hrrt yrr! Rrr rrnrrywrrn rrlsh, frr thrrt mrrtrr!”

The bunny jumped into a boxing stance and began waggling its little bunny fists at her. He even threw a few punches at the air.

“Rrtsh rrll rrrt! Yrr crrn trrrsht mrr!” the Pyro insisted.

The bunny jumped up to the Pyro, delivered a swift one-two punch to its knee, and jumped back.

“Rrrm rr grrd grry, rrrllrry!” the Pyro said again. “Hrr, lrrt mrr shrrng rr shrrng frr yrr!” It unweaved its hands, put a fist up to its filter, and cleared its throat. Then it leaned down to look the bunny in the eyes and began to sing Sanctioned Song #3. You know the one…

“Cwrrndrrw rrshtrrsh trrw drrffrrshtrrtrrw, trrn rrshtrrw rrn trr mrrntrry clrrrrw.” It put its hand on its chest and tilted its head up slightly. “Rrrrsh crrshrrn drry hrrgrrtrrrrw rrn rrnrr brrlrr drr crrrshtrrl!”

The rabbit stopped waving its fists around and tilted its head to the side. His ears popped back up, and he stared at the Pyro quizzically. “Nrr rrmprrtrrn shrrsh mrrffrrmyrrntrrsh, shrrgrrrrmrrsh rrrshrrsh—”

Stop right there, Discord.

Obediently, I stop and turn back to Helen. “Yes, my sweet?” I say, batting my eyelashes at her innocently.

“Don’t play games with me,” Helen snaps. “Are you actually going to do this?”

I blink again. “Do what?” I ask.

“This,” Helen insists. “Are you actually going to sing the song for me, interrupting it every five seconds with a play-by-play of what the Pyro was doing while—” I snap my fingers, and a loud, tonal beep cuts through the room. “—was singing it?”

“That was the idea,” I reply.

“Stop that at once,” Helen commands. She stands up and lowers her head so that her horn is pointing right at my face. She glares at me with fire in her eyes. “It is dull and unproductive. I have heard Sanctioned Song #3 before, you know.”

“You have?” I ask, suppressing a chuckle. “I thought you didn’t like music. Why else would you sanction songs to begin with?”

“I am intimately familiar with each of the Sanctioned Songs,” Helen continues, ignoring me. “I know how each of them go, when they were written and by whom, and in what universe and dimension. So telling me how the song goes is pointless.”

“What, you mean you don’t like the Pyro’s singing voice?” I ask innocently. Smirking, I clap my hands back over my mouth as tightly as I can. “Nrr rrmprrrtrrn shrrsh mrrffrrmyrrntrrsh, shrrgrrrrymrrsh rrrshrrshtyrrndrr. Nwrrshtrrsh rrlmrrsh grrnrrn fwrrrshrr rrntrrnrrndrrw rrshtrr crrnshyrrn!”

“Silence,” Helen snaps. “I do not need to hear your markedly poor impression of the Pyro singing, nor do I need to know what—” I snap my fingers again, and she’s drowned out by the beep. “—was doing while—” Another snap, another beep. “sang the song. In the future, I would appreciate it if you stuck to details that were actually relevant.”

I roll my eyes this time and cross my arms. “You’re no fun,” I grumble, unable to wipe the disapproving glare off my face.

Helen rolls her eyes again and lets out a dry chuckle. “Perhaps I’m just a bit on edge,” she sneers. “After all, I have been temporarily overthrown and forcibly transformed into some hideous monster from another universe.”

“Hideous?” I repeat to myself. But then a better thought occurs to me. “Temporarily?”

Helen looks me square in the eyes, smirks a devious smirk, and lets out a low, sinister chuckle. “Dear, sweet, innocent Discord,” she sneers. “You didn’t think I’d just go down without a fight, did you?”

Luna’s mane, she’s beautiful. I sigh wistfully, and don’t realize until too late that I have a dopey grin on my face. “Okay, fine,” I say to her, swiveling back around to face the monitors. “You win. We’ll just skip the song this time. And thanks for the warning, by the way. I’ll be watching my back from now on.” I glance back over at her and smirk. “Instead of just watching yours,” I add.

Helen scoffs and rolls her eyes again. Luna’s mane, she’s beautiful. I clear my throat and continue.

Its song done, the Pyro collapsed into a fit of happy giggles. It fell onto its back, where the small crowd of woodland creatures that had gathered around it during the song began to nervously approach it. The bunny hesitated for a few moments, then hopped bravely onto the Pyro’s chest.

The Pyro lifted its head and looked the bunny in the eyes. “Yrr shrry?” it said. “Rrrm hrrmlrrsh! Rrr prrrmrrsh!”

The bunny stared into the Pyro’s eyes. His disapproving glare did not lessen in the slightest, and after a long, long time, he shook his head no.

“Rrr, crrm rrn!” the Pyro blurted out, sitting up quickly and throwing its hands out to the side. Unfortunately, it sat up so quick that the bunny ended up being catapulted off its chest. He skidded back for a few feet, then stood up, glared right into the Pyro’s eyeholes, and shook his fist at it.

Before the Pyro could react to this, a confused but accepting voice made its way to the Pyro’s ears. “Oh, yeah,” the voice said. “I almost forgot we were being invaded by aliens today.”

The Pyro looked over to its right and saw a butter-yellow pony with a pink mane. She was standing about halfway between the cottage and where the Pyro was stationed, staring nervously at it from a good distance away. More importantly, though, it saw a blue pony with wings and a rainbow-colored mane hovering a few feet above the ground next to her. The Pyro didn’t know this at the time, but that one’s Rainbow Dash. You remember that much, right?

Of course.

Good. Anyway, the Pyro quickly got to its feet and waved enthusiastically at the two ponies. “Hrrlrrw thrrr, lrrtrrl prrnrrsh!” it said excitedly. “Rrrm thrr RRRD Prryrrrw! Rrtsh rrrlrry grrrt trr mrrt yrr!”

The blue pony settled to the ground and tilted her head to the side. “What did you—” she started.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” the yellow pony said at the same time, speaking so softly the Pyro almost couldn’t hear her. “I’m… um, I’m Fluttershy.”

The Pyro gasped in shock and reared backwards. “Y-Yrr crrn rrndrrrshtrrnd mrr?!” it blurted out.

“Well, of course I can,” Fluttershy replied.

The Pyro jumped up and down excitedly, squealed like a schoolgirl and began clapping its hands so fast they almost snapped off. “Rrr mrr grrsh, rr nrrtrrff hrr crrn rrckshrrwrrlrry rrndrrrshtrrnd mrr! Thrrsh rrsh rr drrrm crrm trrrw!”

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, turned and gave her friend a confused look. “Wait, how could you understand that…” She stopped mid-sentence and got a good, long look at the Pyro. “…uh, that… human? He… she… uh, it didn’t say anything. All it said was ‘mmmph mmmph mmmph.’”

“Well… I guess that’s what it sounded like,” Fluttershy conceded, taking a few steps forward. Rainbow shuddered visibly, and did not follow her. “But then again, when a bird sings, all you hear is ‘chirp chirp chirp,’ right?” Rainbow just tilted her head to the side, presumably trying to wrap her head around Fluttershy’s logic.

Fluttershy came to a stop in front of the Pyro and looked nervously up at it. The Pyro fell to one knee and extended its hand to her. “Hrrlrrw, Flrrtrrrshrry,” it said. “Rrtsh shrr nrrsh trr brr rrbrrl trr trrk trr shrrmwrrn. Thrrnk yrr.”

“Oh, not at all,” Fluttershy replied promptly, smiling a warm smile at the Pyro and extending her hoof. The Pyro grabbed her leg without any hesitation, and they shook… appendages. “You have a lovely accent, by the way,” Fluttershy remarked, retracting her leg. “You remind me of the villain from this movie Rainbow Dash made me watch once.”

The Pyro’s enthusiasm suddenly vanished.

“Made you watch?” Rainbow Dash repeated, taking a few nervous steps forward. “What do you mean, made you? Everypony has to see Daring Do and the Raiders of the Lost Trough at some point! It’s, like, the law or something!”

Fluttershy’s smile faded, and she turned around to face her friend. “Oh… um, w-well, I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash,” she said, “but I’m just not the biggest fan of Amareican cinema.”

“Hrrw crrn yrr trrl wrrt mrry rrckshrrnt rrsh?” the Pyro interjected. Grateful for a way out of the conversation, Fluttershy suppressed a sigh of relief and turned back around to look at the Pyro. “Thrr mrrshk rrsh rrnchrrntrrd shrr yrr crrnt drr thrrt. Mrr trrmsh brrn frrtrrng rrlrrngshrrd mrr frr shrrckshtrrn yrrrsh, rrnd thrry drrnt nrrw wrrt rrckshrrnt Rrr hrrff. Hrrw crrd yrr frrgyrrr rrt rrwt rrrt rrfftrrr yrr mrrt mrr?”

Fluttershy blinked. “Oh… um, I’m not sure, really,” she replied. “You just sound very clear to me, Miss Pyro.”

If the Pyro’s heart had dropped any further, it would’ve fallen out its ass. Without even thinking, relying on pure, primal instinct, it leapt to its feet. Its hand shot down to its hip, and it returned with a bright reddish-orange flare gun. It grabbed the weapon with both hands, pointed it right between Fluttershy’s eyes and bellowed at the top of its lungs: “YRR CRRNT PRRRFF RRNRRYTHRRNG!” The woodland creatures all scampered away, with the exception of a certain belligerent white rabbit, who darted in front of Fluttershy and leapt into a kung-fu pose. Fluttershy reared back, pressed her ears against her head and flared her wings up. She let out an inarticulate cry of terror as she took a few frantic, scrambling steps away from the human. She tried to blurt out an apology, but the Pyro continued before she could get the chance. “R-Rrr drrnt wrrnt trrw,” it said, its hands trembling, “brrt rrff Rrr hrrf trrw, Rrrll—”

Before it could get any further, a rainbow-colored missile slammed right into the Pyro’s chest, knocking its flare gun out of its hands and sending it careening backwards. “You leave her alone!” Rainbow Dash shouted, throwing a few jabs at the Pyro from midair. “Nopony threatens my friends and… gets a…” Suddenly, the look of rage on Rainbow’s face faded completely. She didn’t say anything, but simply settled down to the ground. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. After a few moments, she tried again, this time with more success. “I… I can’t believe this is the second time today I’ve had to missile-kick a human from another universe!”

The Pyro moaned and slowly sat up, clutching its chest. Its breathing was heavy and labored—more heavy and labored than usual, that is. It barely even felt the pain of being kicked in the chest by a pegasus.

Rainbow shook her head after a few moments, then turned around. “Fluttershy, you all right?” she asked.

“Wh-What did I do? D-D-Did I say something wrong? I-If I did, I’m so sorry! Please don’t be mad at me!” Fluttershy screamed frantically, covering her eyes and cowering in terror behind the bunny. The bunny just rolled its eyes.

The Pyro slowly stood up, still moaning in pain. Rainbow turned around to see it, and leapt back into the air. “Hey! No sudden moves, buddy!” she spat, throwing a few jabs at the air.

The Pyro took a long, deep breath, looked straight at the cowering Fluttershy, and spoke. “Drrnt crrl mrr Mrrsh,” it said, as calmly as it could.

Fluttershy blinked, and her wings slowly returned to her sides. “…Don’t… call you Miss?” she repeated. “A-Are you… Are you not a mare, then?”

“Rrr crrn nrrthrrr crrnfrrrm nrrr drrnrry thrrt,” the Pyro replied, taking a few slow steps forward. Rainbow squinted at it as it passed her. “Rrrm nrrt rrllrrwd trr shrr drrtrrlsh rrf mrry rrdrrntrrtrry trr rrnrrywrrn, rrnclrrdrrng wrrt mrry vrrsh shrrndsh lrrk, wrrt Rrr lrrk lrrk rrndrrr thrrsh shrrt, rrnd mrry grrndrrr. Rrr crrm krrnd rrf clrrsh trr brrrkrrng thrrt rrrl rrlrryrrr trrdrry. Rrr grrsh rrt… prrt mrry rrn rrdj.”

“Oh… I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said. “I-I didn’t know that. I hope you don’t get in trouble…”

The Pyro came to a stop, sat down in front of Fluttershy, and let out a long, deep sigh. “Mrry trr…” it said.

There was a brief silence. “…Um, if you don’t mind my asking,” Fluttershy asked, “why are those the rules? Why aren’t you allowed to let anypony know who you are?”

The Pyro came to a stop and slowly sat down in front of Fluttershy. “Rrtsh rrn mrry crrntrrrct,” it explained. “Rrrd rrrthrrr nrrt trrk rrbrrt rrt.”

“O-Okay, fair enough,” Fluttershy replied, glancing around the field. “Would you rather I just call you Pyro?”

“Yrrsh, thrrt wrrd brry prrrfrrct,” the Pyro answered. “Yrr wrrnt trrl rrnrrywrrn rrbrrt thrrsh, wrrl yrr? Rrr drrnt wrrnt trr trrk trr mrrnrry rrrshks wrrth mrr crrntrrrct…”

“Of course I won’t,” Fluttershy sighed, putting her hoof on her chest.

“Rrkrry, grrd,” the Pyro replied, letting out a sigh of relief. There was a brief silence here.

“…Uh, what was that all about?” Rainbow Dash asked after a moment, trotting up next to the Pyro and flopping down to the ground.

“Um, j-just a misunderstanding,” Fluttershy answered, a little too quickly. “It’s all okay now. Everything’s fine. Isn’t that right, Mi— I-I mean, Pyro?”

“Mm-hmm,” the Pyro replied, nodding once.

“…Okay…” Rainbow said hesitantly.

The Pyro quickly stood up. “Shrr,” it said, clapping its hands, “rrf thrrsh nrrthrrng rrlsh, Rrrll brr grrwrrng nrrw. Hrrffrrng shrrmwrrn trr trrk trr rrshrrnt rrll rrtsh crrrkd rrp trr brr.”

“Okay…” Fluttershy replied, nodding. “Have a good day, M— Pyro.”

“Mm-hmm,” the Pyro replied, turning around to leave. It set off for Ponyville, and that could’ve been the end of it. The Pyro could’ve just waltzed back into Ponyville and been none the wiser. But Rainbow Dash just couldn’t wait long enough to let that happen. Once she thought the Pyro was out of earshot, she said something that instantly drew the Pyro’s attention back to the meadow:

“Okay… glad that’s over. Now, what about that crush of yours?” There, you thought I’d forgotten about that, didn’t you?

No, I thought you’d stopped caring.

Ha ha, that’s fair. Anyway, the Pyro stopped in its tracks almost on instinct. “Shhh!” Fluttershy hissed. “I think M—the Pyro can still hear you…”

“Don’t try to weasel out of this now,” Rainbow Dash insisted. “You asked for my advice yesterday, and I’m gonna give it to you.”

The Pyro squealed again, whirled around and leapt back over the river. “Crrn Rrr hrrlp? Crrn Rrr hrrlp? Plrrsh plrrsh plrrsh lrrt mrr hrrlp!”

The two ponies reared back as they saw the human charge at them. “Oh, dear…” Fluttershy mumbled.

“Oh… uh, you could hear me?” Rainbow asked, cringing and looking away from the rapidly approaching Pyro. “Um… well, crud.”

“Rrr crrn hrrlp yrr!” the Pyro blurted out, skidding to a stop and falling to its knees so it could look both ponies in the eye at once. “Rrr lrrff mrrkrrng prrprrl hrrprry! Rrr crrn hrrlp! Trrl mrr wrrtsh rrrng!”

Fluttershy glanced around the meadow as though she expected somepony to leap out at her with a knife. “U-Um… if it’s all the same to you, I’d really rather not,” she murmured.

“No, wait,” Rainbow Dash remarked. “This is a good thing. I mean, I’m no shrink, but maybe telling somepony else about all this would help you accept it.”

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide, and she turned to her friend with terror in her eyes. “Wh-What’s to accept? I’m not having trouble accepting anything!”

Apparently, the Pyro has a lot of experience with this kind of thing. Who knew? “Rrr, Rrrnbrrw?” it said hesitantly, wringing its hands. “Rrr drrnt thrrnk thrrsh rrsh rr—”

“Fluttershy’s trapped in the closet.” That day was just chock full of surprises, let me tell you. The Pyro winced like a bitch. Through the filter, it sounded like a snake hissing. It then instantly realized that Fluttershy would probably completely misinterpret its reason for wincing.

Fluttershy’s irises were basically just specks in a sea of white by this point, but they somehow managed to get even smaller. Her ears pressed against her head, and her wings shot up again. “Ah! Wh! R-Rainbow Dash!” she blurted out. “I-I thought I! We! You!”

“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said calmly, placing her hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “This is who you are. The sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner—”

And then she just lost it. Fluttershy channeled all her rage, all her frustration and all her anguish, plus all the miscellaneous emotions she had lying around, into a single, sky-piercing scream of “BUT IT’S NOT!” The Pyro and Rainbow both reared back in shock at her outburst. Even the animals of the field looked up from their scampering around. Some of them even darted back into their burrows. Day full of firsts and revelations, lemme tell ya.

“Whoa, Fluttershy, I-I didn’t—” Rainbow started.

“Rainbow, for the last time, this is NOT who I am!” Fluttershy screeched, stomping her hoof for emphasis. “I know that! I know I know it! I’m not… I-I’m NOT that way! B-But my mind won’t let me not be! I’ve fought with everything I have to kill this thing!” Something I never thought I’d hear Fluttershy say, by the way… “I pray and I pray and it just keeps coming back every time! It’s not fair! It’s not FAIR!” By this point, her legs had started quivering like bands of elastic stretched to their breaking point. They finally gave out beneath her, and she collapsed to the ground. She covered her eyes with her hooves and finally broke down into sobs. “…I… I don’t even know who I am any more…”

Why do I get the feeling you’ve omitted a few critical pieces of information?

That’s funny, that’s… more or less what I thought when all this happened.

So you don’t have the whole story.

I’m just telling you what the Pyro saw, Helen. I don’t have a psychic connection with Fluttershy any more. I severed that one after I turned her against her Element. That was a bad decision in hindsight, but…

Element? Are these nemeses of yours Chosen Ones? Because if they are, you really have no right to complain about being defeated. Statistically, deities perceived as evil by the societies over which they rule have a seventy eight-point-seven percent chance of being defeated by a hero or band thereof whose coming is foretold in a prophecy.

Hush, you. I’ll get to that later. Where were we? Oh, right, I don’t know who I am any more. So there’s Fluttershy, lying in her own backyard sobbing her eyes out. Rainbow was trying desperately to comfort her friend, babbling much too fast to be effective at it, with this look on her face that said “oh shit, what have I done?” which is fair for reasons we’ll see in a second. The Pyro, though, had one hand on its filter. One hand. The other hand was on its elbow.

“Rrrnbrrw, kwrrk, hrrw lrrng hrrsh thrrsh brrn grrwrrng rrn?” it asked, stroking its chin with one finger.

Rainbow looked up at the Pyro, still as frantic as ever. “Wh— I’m kinda busy here!” she blurted out.

“Drrnt plrry grrmsh wrrth mrr! Thrrsh rrsh trr rrmprrrtrrnt! Hrr shrrnrrtrry crrd brr rrn thrr lrrn, frr Grrdsh shrrk! Hrrw lrrng?!” the Pyro shouted, jabbing a finger at Rainbow.

Rainbow scoffed and put her hoof to her face for a moment, then pointed right back. “I-I can’t understand a word you’re saying with that mask on!” Rainbow Dash was hyperventilating by this point. “Look, th-this is all my fault, okay?! Either take that thing off so I can understand you or leave me alone so I can help my friend!”

As Rainbow went back to trying to frantically console Fluttershy, the Pyro clenched its fist and let out a wordless grunt of rage. “Crrrshrrsh! Nrrw wrrt drr Rrr drr?” it said to no one in particular.

And then, a much-too-familiar scene popped back into its head: “Well, I won’t tell if you won’t.”

The Pyro froze in its tracks. The idea it had just had was crazy, and under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t have even considered it. On the other hand, a pony was on the ground crying all the tears she had and more. As they say, and by they I mean you, shit had gotten real. Besides, it had already broken that particular rule once today, so the day was far from normal. As calmly as it could—which is to say, not calmly at all—it considered its options. It removed its hand from its filter. It slowly looked behind it, back at Ponyville. It looked around the field.

And when it didn’t see anyone that would hold it accountable for its actions later, it lowered the filter on its gas mask.

“I said,” it snarled in its ridiculously fake voice, “‘ow long ‘as this been goin’ on?”

Rainbow almost leapt out of her hide and looked back up at the Pyro. “Wha— Why didn’t you do that before?!” she blurted out.

“‘Cause i’s agains’ the rules!” the Pyro snapped, jabbing its finger at Rainbow. Rainbow reared back in shock at its sudden outburst. “Look, my arse ‘as been on the line enough t’day! I ‘ave t’ ge’ this done quick! I’m riskin’ me LIFE fer this one now! Permanen’ly! So coopera’e wit’ me or so ‘elp me God I’ll jus’ walk away! ‘OW! LONG?!”

Rainbow cried out in shock. “A-All right, calm down!” she blurted out. “I-I think it’s been a couple months? A-At least, that’s when she told me! I-I don’t know if it’s been going on longer than that!”

“Okey, le’s see…” the Pyro growled, putting its hand on its chin. “Exis’estential crisis, bot’led emoshions, confusion o’ self-ide’ity… I’ve ‘ad worse. I can do this. I can do this…”

“Wh-What are you even talking about?!” Rainbow asked. It was a perfectly legitimate question.

The Pyro raised its hand to signal her to stop. “Okey, Rainbow,” it said. Heh. Rrrrainbow. Hrrrrr. I love that thing it does with its R’s. Anyway… “Okey, Rrrrainbow. I need ye t’ ste’ back fer a moment. Give Firebird ‘er space.”

“Wh-What?!” Rainbow blurted out. “B-But she’s my friend! Why should I—”

“Kid, ye jus’ said this is yer fault!” the Pyro snapped. “I know ye wanna make yer friend ‘appy again. I get it! I’m sorry, but she doesn’t wanna lis’en to ye righ’ now! Yer makin’ i’ worse!” It jabbed its thumb at its head. “So stand down an’ leave this t’ the professional ‘appy-maker, okay?!”

Rainbow leaned back, eyes wide. She opened her mouth to say something, closed it, opened it again, closed it, then slowly took a few steps back. The Pyro nodded, then scooted forward a little and scooted its hand under the Pyro’s chin.

“Flut’ershy…” it said. Its earlier rage was completely gone, replaced with calm, passive gentleness. “Flut’ershy, please look a’ me…” It tried to lift its hand, but nothing happened. The Pyro sighed, hesitated for a few moments, then spoke again. This time, however, the eye-holes in its mask glowed a faint yellow. Its voice sounded like three voices, each with a slightly different pitch, speaking at the same time. It was remarkably soothing, actually, even to me. “Flut’ershy, I promise i’s gonna be okay. I wanna help make i’ bet’er. Please jus’ look a’ me?” The light faded as soon as the words were out of its mouth.

Fluttershy’s sobs lessened. They didn’t completely go away, of course, but they lessened from soul-wracking sobs to scattered gasps. After a few moments of this, Fluttershy did find the energy to lift her head again. She slowly removed her hooves from her face and looked the Pyro in the eyes.

The Pyro tilted its head to the side. “‘Ey there,” it said. Even with the filter down, its mouth was invisible in the blackness of its mask, but there was clearly a smile in its voice. “Ye feel bet’er now?” Fluttershy only whimpered in reply. The Pyro nodded. “I’s okay, I unn’rstand. Now, Fluttershy… lis’en t’ me, okay? I don’ know who y’are. I don’ know who y’were ‘fore I showed up. An’ yer in no position t’ tell me. I know. I unn’rstand. Ye don’ ‘ave to. Jus’ lis’en, okay?”

“…O… okay…” Fluttershy whimpered.

“Good,” the Pyro said softly, gently stroking the side of Fluttershy’s head. “Now… I know ye don’ think this is… right. For wha’ever reason, ye can’ accept who y’are. Bu’… yer iden’ity, Flut’ershy… i’s like explorin’ the deepest, darkest dungeon in the world. Sometimes, ye find treasure. Otha’ times, ye find monsters. But no mat’er wha’ ye find… thass the way the dungeon was built. If ye leave an’ come back, the monster’s still gonna be there til’ ye kill it. Bu’ this, Flut’ershy… i’ isn’t a monster. I’s part a’ who y’are. I’s a treasure.”

The Pyro began gently petting Fluttershy’s head. “I know i’ seems like yer cursed when ye pick i’ up. Bu’ sooner or la’er, ye’ll discover the benefits. The advantage t’ fightin’ with it. An’ then… well, then ye’ll wonder ‘ow ye ever managed without it. ‘Til then, amigo…” It gently patted her head, then stood up. “…all ye can do is keep on crawlin’.”

There was a long silence. Eventually, at the end of it, Fluttershy stood up. “Th… That makes sense… in a way…” she murmured.

The Pyro let out a deep, heavy sigh, got to its feet and flipped the filter back up. Once it was upright again, the light in its eyes quickly faded away. “Jrrsht drrwrrng mrr jrrb,” it said.

Fluttershy cocked her head to the side. “Your… accent sounded different…” she observed.

The Pyro nodded. “Mm-hmm,” it said simply.

“…Uh… are you okay, Fluttershy?” Rainbow nervously asked, stepping forward again.

Underneath its mask, the Pyro’s eye twitched. It fell to one knee again, twisted around, and yanked the filter back down. “Rainbow, lass,” it snapped, “are ye really this pony’s friend?”

“What?!” Rainbow blurted out defensively. “O-Of course I am!”

“Really now?” the Pyro snarled, crossing its arms. “Ye pushed yer friend int’ this situation. She wasn’t ready fer this. She told ye as much. Bu’ ye pushed ‘er out anyway.”

“I-I—” Rainbow started.

The Pyro raised its hand quickly. “No. Lemme finish,” it said. “Look, I know ye wan’ed wha’ was bes’ fer yer friend. I can unn’rstand tha’. I’s a good sentimen’, yeah? I’s kind. Loyal, even. Bu’ ye didn’ consider wha’ yer friend though’ was best fer yer friend. A good friend woulda’ respected Flut’ershy’s feelin’s, an’ a good friend wouldna’ screamed ‘er deepest secret to a comple’ stranger.” The Pyro slowly stood up. “Ye go’ tha’, blabbermouth?”

Rainbow Dash swallowed, hard, and tried to make herself as small as possible. “Y… Yes, sir…” she murmured.

“Good,” the Pyro finished. “Now…” It flipped the filter of its mask back up and walked back into the meadow. “Rrr hrrf shrrmwrrr Rrr nrrd trr brr.” It stopped in roughly the center of the meadow, picked its flare gun back off the ground and tucked it back into its holster. “Rrrll nrrw wrrr thrrt rrsh wrrn Rrr grrt thrrr. Ffrryrr crrn Dyrrwsh, mrrysh crrbrryrrsh prrkrrnyrrsh.”

And with that, the Pyro turned around and walked back into Ponyville without another word.

Author's Note

I believe that in the actual "game" part of Team Fortress 2, the Pyro's mask is its face. The ambiguity of the Pyro's identity, including its gender and nationality, is a central aspect of its character. Each class has a distinct voice and silhouette. The Pyro's silhouette includes the shadow of its mask, and its voice is muffled by it. I believe that the Pyro's gender and nationality must remain ambiguous in the official continuity of the game. If the Pyro were ever to remove its mask, it would be a betrayal of the character. Will my views stop fanfic writers from guessing, though? Absolutely not. What do you think? Leave a comment below discussing your ideas about the Pyro. And also tell me what you thought of the story. That's important, too.