Men And Monsters: The Silent Killer

When it came to crying, Pinkamena always used to be such an ugly crier. Thankfully not often, only a handful of times coming to mind where she really just let it out, the cave being the most recent. Every time she does now, it’s much more silent and muffled, along with a lot shorter. The night with Starlight was an exception due to the situation, and hopefully not something that would happen again.

The main reason being she didn’t want anyone hearing her. They would want to help her, but they couldn’t. She couldn’t even say if Starlight could help her at this point.

Which is why Maud didn’t hear her, not that she wanted her too. Pinkamena didn’t get a moment’s rest the entire time she was in her bed, face sticky with dried tears but unable to bring herself to get up. It wasn’t until light began to shine through the window, which Maud had left open, that she lazily pulled out her phone and saw that it was nearly six.

She opened her mouth to make a comment about how she’d gone another night without actual sleep, but decided not to. Her movements were sluggish and reluctant as she forced herself out of her catatotonic like state, wiping her face as she trudged towards the window. Her first day off and she couldn’t even sleep the night prior, even now the emptiness behind Scootaloo’s eyes bounced around the inside of her head like echoes in a cave.

She sat on the window for a minute, her feet dangling off the edge as she stared at her hand. No matter how much she washed it or tried not to think about it, it still felt wet and...sticky, it sent a shiver down her spine as she wiped her face to get rid of a similar feeling left from her earlier sobbing.

After some heavy breathing and desperate clutching of her necklace to calm herself down, she leaped out the window towards her school.

______

Usually, Pinkamena always has something on her mind when she free runs, it’s really the only time she has to think anymore. However, this time on her way to school her mind was empty. Whether it was because she was too sleep deprived, or in some state of emotional shock, was hard to say.

She went by where her and AJ met before on the off chance she was waiting, more out of curiosity than anything else. She wasn’t, which was relieving. Pinkamena wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone today, preferring to remain mindless if she could help it.

The rest of the school day was as uneventful as she partly hoped it would be. No one bothered her or gave more than an awkward glance, some of them evidently afraid of her. Pinkamena didn’t have the brain power to worry about it, opting to instead focus on whatever school work she might have had to do in a given class. If there was downtime she would cross her arms and bury her head in them, but would resist closing her eyes. That would lead to...problems, so she tried her best to learn how to sleep with her eyes open.

Which was all for naught, sleep never gave her the rest she internally begged for.

It wasn’t until lunch that something happened. Pinkamena did her best to make herself scarce, deciding to eat later and hiding on the second floor of the school’s library. People didn’t go there very often, if at all, during lunch. Hiding in the very back between two shelves where it was very dark, sitting on the ground with her back against the shelves.

Her eyes burned and every moment somehow more exhausting than the last, a near constant mind-fog that made it difficult to coherently think at all. It was hard to recall the last time she felt so mentally dazed. Every inch of her body was tense and eyelids half closed, but she couldn’t fall asleep no matter how much she wanted to.

“...Pinkie?”

A meek voice snapped her out of her barely conscious trance, coming from the end of the aisle. Pinkamena turned her head towards the direction it came from as she brushed aside her hair, though she didn’t need to know who it was.

Fluttershy was standing sheepishly, hiding the majority of her face behind her hair and wearing the same school outfit she usually did. Her backpack that she typically kept her pets in wasn’t present, her heartbeat surprisingly normal.

Pinkamena wasn’t going to bother asking how she found her. Knowing Fluttershy, she likely searched every spot she knew of to find her. While she’s extremely shy, if she wants to help someone she cares about there’s very little that can stop her.

“I thought I told you not to talk to me.”

Pinkamena tried to make her tone as harsh as she could, but it just didn’t carry the same weight behind it with the fatigued undertone. Fluttershy held her hands to her chest, a surprising lack of fear in the girl known for being fearful.

“I...I know. I just,” She paused as she sharply inhaled, closing her eyes briefly and then taking a step forward. “I wanted to..talk, at least one more time.”

It wasn’t often that Fluttershy spoke with an assertive tone, the only memories Pinkamena had of her doing so was during their arguments under the influence of The Dazzlings, an incredibly odd situation in of itself. To see her do so now without being under the influence of foreign magic was concerning.

Fluttershy walked beside her and sat down in a similar way, pushing her hair behind her ears and deciding not to hide behind it anymore.

“Talk about what?” Pinkamena asked hesitantly, a sense of foreboding dread creeping in as the words left her mouth.

Fluttershy didn’t respond at first, her lips pursing as she rested her arms across her knees.

“I don’t know if you heard, but soon after you disappeared...so did Rainbow.” The somberness behind her voice couldn’t be more obvious as it cracked, but despite how much she clearly wanted to, she didn’t cry.

Maybe it was because she already cried so much and didn’t want to anymore, a sentiment Pinkamena understood too well.

“We felt terrible after you went missing, but Rainbow helped us keep going. She kept reminding us that we’d faced much worse things than that, that we’d find you eventually. We all believed her at first, or at least wanted to. Her smiles were fake, I could tell better than anyone. She was trying too hard to be you. I don’t think anyone but me noticed how much it was affecting her, I wish I could have helped her if I knew how things would g-go.”

Her voice began to stutter as her knees pulled closer to her chest, Pinkamena’s stomach dropping as a guilt threatened to consume her. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she held her tongue. She’d apologized so often at this point that it had nearly lost it’s value.

“Dashie began to get distant. She showed up at school less and less, I could tell she had barely been taking care of herself from how pale she’d gotten and how little she talked. I tried to help her but she always shrugged me off, and with trying to keep up my grades, looking for you, and taking care of my animals I just..didn’t have the time.”

An image of Rainbow from when Pinkamena saw her in her apartment came to mind: Covered in various scars, barely taking care of herself, and living in conditions that would make even the healthiest person sick. Somehow, putting her in one of Blake’s cells was better than her apartment, which said a lot about how she was living.

“One day she just...disappeared. Stopped going to school and talking to us, she was never there when I went to her apartment. We fell apart without you two. So, when I heard you’d come back, some part of me hoped that you would bring us back together. And with you, Rainbow would come back, and everything would go back to normal!”

“But...it didn’t.” The false hope in her voice was quickly replaced by dejection as her entire body slumped, trying to recede as far into herself as she could like a turtle without a shell. Her voice had become so meek that normal people wouldn’t be able to hear her, Pinkamena’s superhuman hearing was the only reason why she could.

“I don’t know what happened to you, but I know you wouldn’t leave us without saying anything like that. When you came back like you did, I couldn’t stop myself. And then you...said all the things you did, and it hit me. You’re here, but you’re still gone. And Rainbow...might be the same way. I have no idea where she is or what she’s been doing, yet I can’t help you anymore than I can help her.”

Fluttershy’s voice became more brittle, it almost hurt to listen to it. Pinkamena could only sit in silence, afraid that if she opened her mouth the first thing that’d come out would be a worthless apology.

“I...I’m sorry we couldn’t find you fast enough, but we’re here for you now Pinkie! Don’t...don’t push us away like she did, please.”

She clutched the sleeve of Pinkamena’s hoodie as she practically begged. The physical contact and the use of her old name caused her to wince, a reaction she failed to hide. This is another reminder of what her disappearance did to her friends. First Sunset and her anger, then Rainbow and her loneliness, now Fluttershy and her despair.

“I have to Fluttershy, being friends with me is dangerous. The people I’m involved with…” Her eyes drifted to her necklace, the image of her sister's corpses easy to pull forward with how deeply it was burned into her. “Are monsters.”

“We’ve dealt with monsters before, how is this different? We can help you if-”

“No you can’t!”

A surge of anger rose at the offer of help, lifting the veil of numbness that plagued her mind. She couldn’t help but stand up and grit her teeth, a boiling hot sensation in her chest as frustration clouded her thoughts.

“You can’t help me, no one can! Not you, not Maud, not...not even Starlight!” All these words strung forth without even her even thinking about it, thoughts lying just beneath the surface that she couldn’t push down anymore. “I’m beyond help. Even if I wasn’t...I don’t deserve it.”

Pinkamena’s hands clutched tightly as she spoke, tears of raw frustration at the corners of her eyes. Fluttershy slowly got to her feet, a mixture of disbelief and shock etched on her face.

“No one’s beyond help, no matter what. Sunset and Twilight tried to take over the school and put all our lives in danger, and we forgave them and gave them the kindness they needed. I won’t pretend I understand whatever it is you went through or were forced to do, but I promise we’re here for you like we were there for them. I’m here for you now.”

The gentle girl placed her hand on Pinkamena’s cheek, caressing it gently like a mother would to calm their child. Her touch was soft, warm, and for a brief moment, comforting. Before the nauseating fear hit her at the physical contact, causing her to reflexively shake her head and take a step back.

She desperately grasped at her necklace, opening her mouth and sharply inhaling, then closing it just as quickly. This conversation was strikingly similar to the one she had with Starlight, trying so hard to comfort her when she couldn’t. The difference being that Starlight knew almost everything about her, and still wanted to help her.

Fluttershy was someone from before, who knew a different person and wanted them back. Hearing her being so kind even though she was ignorant of things Pinkamena has done was heart wrenching, her innocence a refreshing reminder of how good some people could be, something too easy to forget for her now.

“The things I’ve done…” Pinkamena’s head dropped shamefully, gritting her teeth and tightening her jaw as her long hair covered most of her face. “Are unforgivable.”

The silence after she said that was so tense it was nearly tangible. She didn’t want to look up or anything else, glaring at her feet and trying to focus on Fluttershy’s heartbeat. While noticeably more erratic than before, it was still far more stable than she would have expected.

Pinkamena wasn’t sure how many agonizing seconds passed before her thin arms embraced her, somehow more considerate than before despite her body shaking so violently it was shocking she could even stand.

“I forgive you.”

Her voice was meek like she was afraid to say it, her grip tightening on Pinkamena as she held onto her like a pillar preventing her from collapsing. Fluttershy’s words were an echo of Starlight’s: An unhesitant forgiveness, undeniably genuine, and with no intention other than to help someone.

Pinkamena was so taken aback she barely had time to respond, anguish threatening to take over her brief moment of vulnerability. Her face scrunched up as a tear rolled down the side of her face. So badly she wanted to give in, to believe she was truly forgiven, to be with her friends again.

But she couldn’t.

Her friends barely knew anything, even Fluttershy’s attempts to help her were nothing more than desperate grasps to bring back their friend who, in all ways but literal, was still gone. Despite everything, even if she didn’t know all of that was true, she can never forgive herself.

She put her hands on Fluttershy’s shoulders with as much restraint as she could muster and pushed her off, trying to keep her face as hidden as she could.

“Flutters, I-”

Pinkamena wasn’t sure what she was about to say, her mind blank and words fueled by raw emotion, stopped by a bell ringing, signalling that lunch was over.

In sync, like they were a predator waiting for the opportunity, The Whispers began to get louder until she couldn’t hear anything else. To Pinkamena, who had learned how they worked by now, this couldn’t have been any more of an obvious sign that they wanted her away before she said something they wouldn’t like.

She let go of Fluttershy’s shoulders, wiping her face and taking a deep breath. “Please, just...stay away from me. I can’t watch you die too.”

She didn’t need superhuman senses to hear her friend’s heart drop, the way she gasped and pressed her hands against her mouth was all too telling of her dismay. Seeing such a hurt expression was another stab, but she couldn’t stay to let it sit. Pinkamena sped past Fluttershy, trying to ignore her attempts to get her to stop and rush to her next class.

And just like that, she was missing the emotional numbness she was experiencing moments prior. Now she had to deal with the guilt of hurting another friend.

_________

She left school as soon as it was over, heading to the nearest grocery store to get herself and Rainbow some food. The cool air mixed with the ambient music always gave a relaxing atmosphere, making buying food more enjoyable and not as mundane as it sounded.

Pinkamena wasn’t particularly peckish, so she just got a bag of beef jerky like before and some stuff for Rainbow. Not nearly as much as she’d like to get, but she didn’t have a backpack so it was only what she could fit in her pockets.

The trip to The Syndicate was done mostly on autopilot, it wasn’t until she was standing in front of the cell that her conversation with Fluttershy came to mind. Every word and every expression, she couldn’t stop thinking about how much better she could have handled that and what she could have said. Instead, she let her emotions get the better of her and probably just made the people she cares about most more worried about her.

“Dammit, what the fuck is wrong with me?” Pinkamena muttered to herself as she gripped the doorknob, unable to get her hand to stop shaking. She let go of it and slammed her hand against the wall, the pain helping her focus.

She took a deep breath, doing her best to clear her mind and placing her hand back on the doorknob. She needed to do better, focus on fixing the problems she still could.

She was surprised to see Rainbow doing some kind of push up exercise. Not that Pinkamena thought she’d be sitting around doing nothing, but doing a completely straight handstand and then lowering her body until her nose touched the ground and then pushing her body back up wasn’t it.

“I...brought you some food.”

After finishing one more handstand push up, Rainbow got to her feet, closing her eyes and raising her arms above her head while stretching her body. “I guess one benefit of being locked up like this is not having to worry about getting my own food, what did you pick up?”

Pinkamena tossed a bag at her, pulling out the beef jerky and lowering herself to the ground. Rainbow’s reflexes clearly hadn’t waned as she caught it without even opening both her eyes, sitting down with her legs crossed and the bag in the center.

She opened the bag, lips stretching into a smirk as she pulled out a wrapped PB&J sandwich along with a bottle of gatorade. “You remembered my favorite food.”

“I never forget anything about my friends, even now.”

There was an undeniably solemn tone to her voice as she spoke, lowering her head as her eyes leered off absentmindedly. Rainbow’s smirk dropped into a concerned frown. “You look like shit. You alright? I thought you’d be relieved after you caught the big bad evil guy.”

“You aren’t...nevermind. I just haven’t slept in a bit, I’m fine.”

“...Guess you’re as bad at lying as ever, huh?”

Pinkamena knew the statement wasn’t meant to hurt her despite how sardonic it sounded, but she couldn’t help visibly wincing as her grip tightened on the bag. She opened her mouth to speak, but decided against it as she shook her head. There’s a handful of people who can always tell when she’s lying, Rainbow being one of them.

“Well, funnily enough, you knocking me out was the best sleep I’ve gotten in weeks. Though there’s not much to do here with all this energy but work out, now that I’ve got all this free time maybe I can finally get back in shape. No wonder a lot of people in prison are jacked.”

It was hard to believe how casual Rainbow was talking to her as if they weren’t in a fight to the death a day or two ago, made even worse by how sincere it was. She was acting like nothing had changed at all, it was hard to tell whether she’s choosing to not think about it or was truly that desensitized to it all.

Or maybe it’s just an act? That emptiness she spoke about in her apartment might have been the mask slipping, it’s almost impossible to believe after the past few months that she could just switch back to normal.

Not that she’s much better.

“Dash, I’ve been curious. Where did you learn to do...everything?”

Pinkamena asked in an attempt to change the subject, thinking about others' mental state always seemed to drift back to hers and right now that’s the last thing she needed.

“What do yuh mean?”

Her mouth was full so she looked and sounded like a child when she talked, barely making an effort to wipe her face as she tried to open the bottle of gatorade with one hand and holding half of the sandwich in the other.

“How to fight like that. The knife combat, how to shoot, where you even got all that stuff. As much as I’d love not talking about it, we can’t dance around the topic like it’s not there.”

The Whispers remained eerily quiet, their chattering so muffled she’d have to concentrate to hear them. It reminded her of when there was a big argument in class and all the other students would stay quiet just to listen.

“I...fuck, Pinkie. You’re asking all the questions I don’t want to think about enough to answer.”

The way the energy left her voice as it dropped was painful to hear, keeping her face down as she tried to avoid looking at Rainbow.

“Just...promise me nothing leaves this room, ok? I haven’t talked about this with anyone, not even Scoots.”

The inside of Pinkamena’s mouth went rancid at the mention of Scootaloo, but she managed to stifle herself. She hesitantly nodded her head, worried what might happen if she opened her mouth.

“Well, I should probably start with my dad.”

Pinkamena perked up, this would be the first time her cerulean friend mentioned her parents. Not that there was anything wrong with not talking about family, but she had to admit she was always somewhat curious about it.

“He...he was...awesome doesn’t come near describing him. He didn’t talk about his past that much, so I only know a few things about him.” As she spoke she put the sandwich in the bag, picking it up and placing it to the side.

“I don’t know the details, but he was in black ops for a bit. He’s told me a story or two but...it’s not something he ever liked talking about. I know he killed people, but if he ever regretted it he didn’t let it show. Not sure why they let him go, but after he was done with them he ended up becoming a ‘bail bondsmen’, which is just a fancy way of saying bounty hunter.”

Rainbow’s body noticeably tensed up as she shifted around, raising her left leg and laying her right one down on its side while resting her arm across it. “I never knew my mom. A couple of months after I was born she got mugged on the way back from the pharmacy, she was getting medicine for an ear infection I had. It would have been dad who got it, but he got called away because some dickweed didn’t want to pay his bail. She died in the hospital, and he…” There was a long, tense pause. “Didn’t take it very well.”

Pinkamena remained quiet, nothing she could say would sound right. It wasn’t particularly surprising with how small her apartment was, but it was still tragic.

“He started hating criminals because of that, probably only made worse by his job. I think he...started killing them after that. He came home a lot later, if at all. I’d go days at a time without seeing him, which is why I spent a lot of time with Fluttershy or you back then. It got...really lonely for a while, but in about middle school he started training me. At first, he said it was because the city is dangerous and he didn’t want anything like what happened with my mom to me. I...stopped believing that when he made me learn both tantojutsu and kali eskrima, and I realized it was more like he was preparing me for something.”

Something about Rainbow’s relationship with her father sounded disturbingly similar to Pinkamena’s relationship with her own. Though hers actually cared, while Igneous couldn’t care less.

Some pessimistic part of her expected The Whispers to show up as said father, but they oh so generously didn’t.

“Starting my first year of high school he got me used to guns. Made me get used to wearing a heavy bulletproof vest and getting shot, disassembling and reassembling them before learning how to shoot them, all of that. It was kind of like the father daughter relationship of Hit-girl and Big Daddy from Kick-ass, but less ‘training montage’ and more ‘waking up everyday sore and bruised’. Made it easy for me to get into sports at least.”

Her nervous laughter and the way her heart beat has been steadily increasing showed how uncomfortable talking about those times is for her, it made Pinkamena regret asking. The silence in between got longer and more tense each time, making her more reluctant to raise her head and see what expression Rainbow was wearing.

“My dad…” There was a muffled noise that almost sounded like sniffling before she shifted around again. “Disappeared. He didn’t abandon me, he wouldn’t. One day he left to collect someone who didn’t wanna pay their bond, and he just never came back. This happened when we had our fight so only Flutters knows, but he left the suit and gun. He told me he got the suit from his days in black ops, but the gun he made himself. We’re the only ones that know exactly how it works, so unless you have a gun genius here, you won’t be getting much out of it.”

Zecora is exactly that, which is why Pinkamena left the weapon to her. She needed to check on her after all of this. “...Poison too?”

“Yeah, it was actually more of a hobby thing for him that he just ended up teaching me. I kind of sucked at it but the thing with poison is messing it up just makes it more poisonous. I think.”

“I’m…” Pinkamena was about to apologize, but she couldn’t shake the thought that it would be out of obligation and not genuine. “It’s going to be hard, but can you last just another day or so? That’s all I need.”

“Not like I can say ‘no’. As long as you can get Scootaloo I don’t mind, just keep giving me these and I can’t complain.” Rainbow reached into the bag and pulled out the half sandwich from before.

Pinkamena got to her feet, putting the empty bag of beef jerky in her hoodie. “I need to get going then. Try to make those last as long as you can, I don’t know if I can get you food again.”

She nodded as she eased back into sitting with her legs crossed, trying to compose herself but her heart beat gave away her minor distress. As soon as Pinkamena touched the doorknob, she could hear Rainbow clear her throat behind her.

“Can you tell me how Shy is doing? I didn’t want to leave her, but I think being around her hurt her more than anyone else.”

“She’s…” Some of the dread that had been making its home in the back of her mind left, having partly expected that question but hoped it wouldn’t come. “Good. I’ve been trying to avoid them because I don’t want to put them in danger, but last I checked she’s doing much better.”

“Hm.”

The way Rainbow grunted in response made it hard to tell whether she believed her or not, but Pinkamena didn’t want to give her the chance to ask any more questions. She opened the door and walked out, firmly shutting the door behind her and walked down the hallway.

After a minute she abruptly stopped, leaning her body against the wall and slowly slid down to her knees, her fingers scraping down and following. Her chest tightened into a knot as she bit the inside of her cheek to suppress a sob.