Manehattan Vice

Ever have one of those dreadful, tired mornings where, before your morning coffee, you screw up on the job so profoundly, that by some Celestia-damned miracle, you end up improving your life? Well, that is something I, your local idiot Special Agent Nessassio of the Equestrian Bureau of Investigation, has somehow managed to accomplish.

It started one morning, as I walked through the front door, I gave a small, beaky smile to a few of my coworkers as I made my way over to the elevator. Over the PA system, our usual guy was making the standard announcements, starting of course by telling us to stand for the Equestrian National Anthem as he popped the CD in. Normally I also stand for attention, but since I’m in the elevator, I pretty much just look at my phone. Hey, don’t pretend you were any better in Highschool. I guarantee you if you had a spare first thing in the morning, you didn’t stand for attention either. Not because you intended any disrespect, but because there was no social pressure to stand at attention anyways. As the anthem came to a close, I listened to the armourer, Bull’s Eye, give the daily announcements. “Good morning Fillies, gentle colts, and all creatures in between. It is 5:00 AM, 15th of July 2020, we will have an Equestrian Defence Force visiting today and...” he was interrupted by a text message on his phone, which the dumbass read out loud. “This is Special Agent Cloven Spectre, I have successfully infiltrated the ring of coke dealers in Staten Island, start prepping the SWAT team for a raid at noon...”

At that moment, I decided to take a detour from my usual morning and sent the elevator to the second floor, cracking my neck as I approached the PA room. Normally EBI agents aren’t allowed to strike one another, but I made a personal exception because it would be a massage compared to what would happen to Cloven Spectre if Bull’s Eye compromised him. Without any words or warning, I opened the door to the PA room and shoved Bull’s Eye out of his chair as hard as I could.

“Hey Ness, what the hell?” Bull’s Eye asked.

“No! Shut Up, and go fuck off back to your lab! I knew these guys before I joined up, and unless you want two black eyes, one for each eyeball they’ll scoop out with a melon baller from Cloven Spectre’s skull, start fucking off to your pencil pushing armoury RIGHT NOW!” I yelled, not in the mood to deal with any bullshit, as Bull’s Eye crawled before getting up and walking out, and shut the door.

As the door was closed, I face-hoofed with both of my talons and started grumbling out loud. “I swear, somedays I don’t know why I took this job. I was happy selling coke in Cloudsdale. We wouldn’t have put up with dumbasses like this, hell, if Straight Haste did anything like this in public, we’d have snuffed his flank right then and there with a shotgun.” I smiled as I fondly began daydreaming about what such a party would look like “I’d have taken his wallet, paid for some classic vintage Mac Daniels, and some of the hottest, sexiest hookers money can buy. And that doesn’t even compare to the thrill of doing a line of coke off their backs. Probably why I’m so dependent on smokes and morning coffee. Alas, nothing can compare to the rush of an 8-ball, I could screw all night with that kind of energy.”

At that moment, my phone began to ring, with a call from The Director of the EBI no less. With a big dumb grin on my face, this could be such a big promotion! As I answered the phone, however, my stomach sank in absolute horror as the Director said, in his usual understated tone, “You left the PA on. Please come meet me in room 1312 for further discussions” before he hung up. I immediately turned the PA off, before sitting in a chair and placing my service pistol, A Glock 13, on the desk. Staring intently at the safety switch, how easily I can flick it from on to off, as dark thoughts fill my head. After what felt like a minute, I holstered it before leaving and heading to the elevator, punching in the button for floor 13, as I decided to be brave and face the music.

As the elevator slowed to a stop, my 4 joints buckling slightly as the elevator reached its floor, a growing hesitation as I reached room 1312. With a sigh, I pushed the door open. Instead of the director’s office, I turned out to have walked into the room the EDF was meeting in.

“Awfully big delegation for a termination, don’t you think?” I asked, with a nervous chuckle.

The director did not respond, the bald earth pony simply shift their weight and directed me to an empty chair, before another earth pony, one wearing an EDF uniform with the tag name ‘Ssgt. Buckshot’, cleared his throat and began the briefing, speaking in a surprisingly eloquent Appleoosan accent. “Alrighty, cowpokes, since the morning announcement revealed to us who the most qualified EBI agent is to be attached to our team, I’d like for y’all to give a big welcome to Nessassio”.

As the room filled with applause for me, I gave another nervous chuckle, asking “Is this going to be like the AK-47 incident again? Because I don’t want to have to tell the EDF that we mixed up a weed strain for a firearm”, trying to lighten the mood because, again, this is a surprisingly welcome reception for someone who did something worthy of them getting fired.

The director turned his head slightly towards me, seeing my reflection in his pitch-black mirror shades before he told me “I would advise you to take this promotion much more seriously, Special Agent Nessassio, we are attaching you to a case with the utmost importance.”

“How important is it?” I asked, and when the director replied, the response stunned me for a good minute, as time seemed to slow as the Director said two words, two words no one ever wants to hear.

“Empty Quiver.”

The words of the director rattled me to my very core, I was still trying to process the director’s words. “Empty Quiver?! But that’s for when we lose a functioning balefire mega spell. Why the hell does my past have to rope me into this?!” I demanded. Sure, It’s no secret I didn’t get my undercover acting talent from meeting so many famous actors, although you do tend to meet a lot of them when you sell drugs, I digress. The matter at hoof was that somehow not only did I not get fired for extremely unprofessional and heavy-handed behaviour, I somehow got promoted up to an EDF Joint Special Operations Command team?!

Buckshot simply burst out laughing, “We’re gonna get along just fine, like chickens and a rooster!” A remark that, if my knowledge of animal husbandry is correct, means they’re gonna be spending a lot of time interested in me. Well, credit where credit is due, at least Buckshot knows how to lighten the mood. Buckshot continued the briefing with “I suppose it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t introduce ourselves, posh and proper. I’m Staff Sergeant Buck Shot, I’m from the EDF Marine Corp and was a Raider, alongside my brother Sergeant Biggins.” The earth pony said, gesturing to the bulky earth pony sitting right next to him. In the blue holographic glow was just the quiet smile Biggins carried himself with, as well as the green patch with a white cross on both of his shoulders, signifying he’s the medic. I smiled, knowing if anything goes wrong that gentle giant will be there to save me.

with further curiosity, I looked at the green pegasus next to me, wearing a shemagh around her neck that was in a matching, albeit darker shade. They wore a helmet with a face protection blast shield, when they took it off, despite having a stallion’s jaw, she’s had a very feminine appearance and voice, introducing herself as “Lance Corporal Diamond Warrior, served in the Wonder Bolts, made many dangerous jumps into hostile territory. It was either this or the airshows”, finishing with a cocky grin. She’s pretty gung-ho and a force to be reckoned with during a fight, and judging by those sweet biceps a very serious threat in arm wrestling. Glancing towards the last unique individual in the room, the hippogriff. He didn’t introduce himself, he was very quiet. Diamond spoke up in a tone suggesting mild contempt, “That’s Corporal Talon, EDF SEAL, very quiet, don’t worry about him.” Talon glanced over, shooting a quick scowl in response to her comments before pulling down his patrol cap by the brim before resting a hind leg on the table.

As soon as Buckshot noticed the hostility brewing, he simply leaned on the table and cleared his throat. “Let’s get back on mission, pardners.” Before he made some taps with his hooves on the desk, manipulating the holographic display to reset the mission briefing for my sake. “5 years ago, Balefire Division, a unicorn supremacist group that followed the teachings of King Sombra, wanting to start an intercontinental race war. Two years ago, there were three murders attached to them, including Blaze, whose death brought them to the EBI’s Attention.” A wedding photo of the stallion in question, kissing his husband Jade, is shown on the hologram, while a red X drawn over Blaze’s head to signify his murder. Biggins gave a sniffle, thinking about the poor widower Blaze’s death left behind, while Diamond simply spat on the ground. Not out of disrespect for the victim, but for seething contempt for the group who carried it out. Buckshot simply gave his brother Biggins a quick shoulder hug and a pat on the back before continuing with the briefing. “Unfortunately it gets worse. At the start of 2020, 5 more arrests for murder were made. This time, however, all 5 victims appeared in a list by a Cloudsdale journalist named Andy Quill. He lives at 482 Horseshoe lane, I’ll get a no-knock warrant from the local magistrate, Lance Corporal Diamond will secure us transport that will allow us to transport our weapons easily, Sgt Biggins will take inventory of and if necessary, stock up on medical supplies, Corporal Talon will scout out the address and keep watch, and lastly, Nessassio will be in charge of finding a safe house for us to interrogate Andy at. Time is of the essence, so we need to pitter-patter, any questions?” It was at this point Corporal Talon raised their hoof. “Do we still have time to attend my son's birthday party?” He asked, speaking with a kind of cadence that would suggest he was on the spectrum, I understood why he was so quiet, but I made a mental note of his possible feud with Diamond. Maybe this mission will help bring some of the older members closer together as well as get me to establish myself in the squad better. Buckshot regretfully started to say “No” before he saw his brother Biggens get pouty faced before Buckshot grumbled out a “Yes”. I looked over to Talon again, and he gave a sincere smile. Buckshot looked down to compose himself before looking back up. “If there are no further questions, you are all dismissed. Talon’s address is 132, Shiloh FireBase. I’ll see you at the party”, Concluded Buckshot.

With the briefing drawn to a close, the lights returned and everyone began to shuffle out of the room, including the director. The only people left was me, still too shocked to move at the idea of getting a promotion this big, and Staff Sergeant Buckshot. Buckshot sat at the other end of the table and asked “It’s a lot to take in, ain’t it?” I nodded yes, with a bit of hesitation. He took off his beret, placing it on the table, before looking at me and telling me “I wouldn’t have picked you for this job if I didn’t think you were qualified. I picked you for this job not because you’re the strongest, fastest, or even the smartest. I picked you because you understand what it means to be a family. After all, you have connections, and you have guts. All we need is a place where we can rest, regroup, and maybe interrogate in safety. I’m sure you had a place where you and your friends would get high together. Even something as simple as that will do.” He said before giving me a salute and walking off. With that, I took a deep breath and left the room. I suppose I get to leave work now since all my other possible cases are small potatoes compared to this. As soon as I left the meeting room I audibly and visibly cheered with the most overjoyed excitement and walked with a pep in my step, every step I took, getting me closer to the car.