Too Big Mac

The next day Princess Twilight Sparkle entered the Crystal castle in the center of Ponyville as fast as her wings could carry her without causing a Twiboom. She found her friends already gathered in the map room waiting for her. Four of her friends stared at Applejack who leaned heavily on the table, her head in her hooves, her face pale and gaunt. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. Applejack had said it was an emergency and all her friends had assembled as fast as they could.

After a long moment of silence Twilight raised a hoof to speak, but Applejack, in a low voice, just above a whisper, said, "Big Macintosh is too big." She explained that her brother and his wife had gone off on their honeymoon, ever so generously donated by the princess, but when the time came to consummate the marriage it was like trying to pass a camel through the eye of a needle. When her story finished the assembled company, Fluttershy excluded, couldn't help but laugh. That is to say Twilight and Rarity gave the softest ladylike chuckle, and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash guffawed heartily.

Applejack slammed her hooves into the table, and her voice cracked as she screamed, "IT AIN'T FUNNY!!!" The rest flinched back at the unexpected outburst. "Sugar Belle wanders about the house like a zombie, and Big Mac can't stop cryin! We've had to keep Applebloom at Scootaloo's so she don't get scarred for life by mah brother's constant." She couldn't even finish the sentence and shuddered violently. "Ah don't want mah brother to git unhitched over somethin like this. Ahm at the end a mah rope here gals. So please." The assembled ponies were honestly taken aback to see tears welling up in the corners of the usually indomitable farm pony's eyes. "PLEASE take this seriously."

Fluttershy managed to pull her hooves away from her beet red face long enough to walk over to Applejack and pat her consolingly on the back. The poor embarrassed pegasus was even less qualified to handle this situation than Applejack, but she was determined to help her friends. Somehow. Rainbow Dash donned her usual cocky grin. "Heck A.J. you're a country girl. Why don't you.~" The sound of a cannon going off echoed through the room. Rainbow Dash slowly turned her head to see that a large chunk of her Crystal throne,a chunk less than an inch from her head, was missing. Little chunks of Crystal dropping off to shatter on the floor. The whole table turned as one to see their friend displaying a countenance of pure murder, her hoof smoking from how hard she had launched the apple.

Twilight silently raised a magical barrier in front of the cowering pegasus. As an afterthought she raised a second magical shield in front of Pinkie Pie just to be safe. Upon further consideration she threw up a shield in front of the rest of them. No telling what might set Applejack off in this state. With that line of joke now thoroughly off the table the conversation could now get down to business. The business of how to fit a cannon into a mousehole.

Fluttershy recommended more snuggling. Rarity politely explained that that wouldn't help. Rainbow Dash, her lesson thoroughly learned, suggested asking Princess Cadence for her guidance. Rarity explained that this wasn't a love issue, it was a sex issue. Twilight sheepishly suggested. "Well. . . If it's a matter of biology and. . . Math. . . I have a few." She cleared her throat. "Tools to help her. . . Adjust. I get them from Celestia for." She suddenly got a distant look. "Certain studies."

Applejack ground her teeth, she knew Twilight meant well, but couldn't help but say. "Twalaght,I would remind y'all that this is mah kin we're discussin."

The suggestions ranged from the sensible to the. . . well the Pinkie Pie suggestions, but each was shot down by Rarity who grew more and more contemplative each moment. Finally Applejack got fed up with Rarity's lack of input and finally asked, "Well consarnit Rares! Whut's yer idea? Seein as yer apparently yer the expert!"

Rarity said nothing. She rose and slowly walked to the window. She stood there silently for a long moment. Even Applejack in her emotional state could see just how bothered Rarity was. She walked to her friend and put a hoof on her shoulder, "Rares?"

Rarity sighed hard. "I know who to call." She looked away. "But it won't be pleasant. Neither for me. Nor for anypony else."

Applejack frowned. "Rare, just what part uh any uh this is pleasant," she said with a sneer. "Iffin y'all know somepony who can help us, then out with it!"

They resumed their seats at the table and Rarity explained there was a pony she knew. She used the word acquaintance, but the word came out hard, and everypony could see that there was more to the story. This pony was a counselor of sorts, somepony who deals with situations exactly like this professionally. Rarity knew what was about to happen and steeled herself for the backlash. She inhaled deeply. "A sex therapist." The sound of a cannon was once again heard and Twilight winced at stopping something moving faster than the speed of sound. The smoldering remains of a smashed apple floated less than a foot from Rarity's face.

"Don't y'all think fer one second that I'm havin some prevert interferin with the sanctity uh mah brother's marriage bed." Applejack growled.

Rarity slammed her hooves into the table. "Jacqueline! Do you want to save your brother's marriage or not?!" She barked.

Applejack spat back, "Uh course Ah.~"

"Then this is the way it's done. And you'll have the decency to allow your brother and sister in law to get the help they need!" Rarity scolded.

Applejack sat back uncertain. "But Rares!" Applejack shook her head. "Ah just caint have somepony. . . Doin that with mah kin." Tears started to well up in Applejack's green eyes again.

Rarity stood up and came around the table. "Darling, she's not going to do anything sexual with your family. I promise. She's just going to walk your brother and Sugar Belle through the process together, and teach them how to." She fished for a moment for the right phrasing. "Get everything where it needs to be, as it were."

Applejack was still uncertain and her face grew hard. "There's somethin y'all ain't tellin us."

Rarity looked around and saw that everypony, Fluttershy included, was nodding stern faced at her. She sighed hard. "We have a history together her and I. I'd prefer not to get into it." Everypony saw just how deep the hurt in Rarity's face went. Her face hardened into a look of ironclad determination. "But I'm certain there's nopony more qualified to help than. . ." Rarity realized that this would be the first time she'd said that pony's name since they split up all those years ago.

"Throbbing Heart."