The Bureau of Apples, Tractors, and Firearms
It was dinner time at the Apple homestead, and Applejack was reading the mail. Unfortunately for her, the message that had arrived was not in her favor.
“Consarnit, the Crown is messing with us again!” Applejack crumpled up the scroll which she had been reading. “First it was the parasprites, and then the fruit bats and now this?” Applejack collapsed back into her chair.
“What’s wrong, sis?” Apple Bloom asked.
“The Canterlot fellers are attacking our farm again! They’ve created somethin’ called the ‘ATF’, and-”
“ATF, what’s that?”
“-Apples, Tractors, and Firearms, and they’re trying to take our tractor AND our guns! How do they expect us to protect ourselves from timberwolves? Magic? We ain’t no fancy unicorns,“ Applejack buried her face in her hooves. “Don’t these paper-pushing politicians have something better to do than bother hardworkin’ ponies with their nonsense?”
“Eenope!” Big Mac chuckled.
“Eat your dinner before it gets cold, dearie. Complaining won’t solve anything,”
“You’re right, Granny, it won’t. I’m just a bit frustrated, that’s all,” Applejack got back to her dinner.
After dinner, Applejack went up to her room, approaching her study and picking up the book she was in the process of reading, No Treeson, by Lysantana Spooner. Before she could sit down, however, she got a knock on her door.
“Sis, can I ask you a question?”
Applejack but the book down and answered the door. “Sure thing, sister, what do you want?”
“In school today, the teacher was saying that ponies could go visit government offices when they have complaints, and I checked to see where the Apple-Tractor offices are, and they’re right here in Ponyville. Could you take me and my friends to their offices tomorrow? We’d go by ourselves, but they’re only accepting adults,”
Applejack sighed. “Sure thing, but don’t you get your hopes up too high. They tend not to listen to anyone that won’t give ‘em a bag of bits under the table, alongside another one above it”
“Thanks, sis!”
The following morning, Applejack brought Apple Bloom and her fellow crusaders to the office of the ATF.
“Alright kids, before we go in, remember not to get too excited. Otherwise you’ll be mighty disappointed,”
Applejack knocked. “Coming!” A shuffling came from inside the offices, and the door opened. The pony who greeted them at the door surprised the Crusaders.
“PRINCESS TWILIGHT?”
“Sugarcube, you’re my friend and all, but this is one harebrained scheme!” Applejack paused, ”... no offense intended to Fluttershy and her work. How do you expect my family to make a living and protect itself?”
“The Guard, of course!”
“And wait an hour for them to arrive? Within an hour, Granny could be lunch for a swarm of parasprites!”
“Actually, that wouldn’t happen so quickly. In fact, it typically takes parasprites at least eight, if not more, hours to hatch after a parasprite mother lays it eggs on a corpse, and -”
“Consarnit Twilight! What do you think you’re trying to accomplish?”
“I’m trying to make ponies safe!”
“How? By robbing them blind and literally leaving them to the timberwolves?”
“Well, Applejack, tractors and firearms are dangerous! What if you run over Winona or something late at night?”
“The Everfree is dangerous too! At least you can control a firearm! You can’t control the Guard as easy, if you can at all! I saw them try to fight when Chrysalis attacked! Half of them tripped over their own feet, then cried and ran home to mommy!”
“Hey! Don’t you dare bring mom-I mean, Princess Celestia, into this!”
Apple Bloom tried to butt in. “Twilight, if you don’t mind me askin’, why do you think we can’t take care of ourselves?”
“Well Apple Bloom, you’re a child!”
“But I’m responsible enough! And besides, at some point, I’ll be an adult too! I want to help my family at the farm, and I can’t do that easily if you’re makin’ it so hard,”
“I want to sing and distract my sister from her parental abandonment issues!”
“And I want to be awesome like Rainbow Dash!”
“Well, kids, the world is dangerous! You need to trust in the authorities to keep you safe!”
“But Twilight! Don’t little fillies need to help their sisters out from time to time too?”
“Like when Rainbow Dash flies headfirst into a wall and I need to get the doctor!”
“Yeah, or like when Rarity has one of her breakdowns and starts drowning herself in a tub of ice cream!”
“Like that, sure! Also, what are ya plannin’ to do with the tractor you’re collectin’?”
Twilight laughed and averted her gaze, “Just protecting ponies, heh. Not like I’m going to sell it and squirrel the money away towards my book fund or something,”
Applejack gave Twilight the stink-eye “I’m the Element of Honesty, remember? I know when someone’s lying,”
“I guess so, heh,”
Applejack got up and turned to leave. “C’mon fillies, we're not gonna get anythin’ out of this. I told you ya’d be disappointed” Applejack turned back to Twilight, looking the purple princess in the eye, “And sugarcube, if you want our firearms and our tractor, you might just have to come by and take them yourself,”
“Sure thing, friend! I’ll have a flatbed ready by tomorrow afternoon! Thank you for complying!”
“That’s not what I meant, Twilight,”
“I know! Your compliance is mandatory!”
At this point, Applejack would have made a rude gesture, but she, in fact, lacked fingers to do so. She left, and the crusaders followed.
“Why did it turn into a fight, sis? Isn’t politics supposed to be about compromise?”
“Apple Bloom, what’s the compromise between living and being killed?”
“... Being robbed by Twilight?”
“... Do you want to compromise then, sis?”
“I guess not,” Apple Bloom moved on to another topic, “So what are we going to do now?”
“We’ll do what the Apple family has always done when danger is afoot, little sis. Stand our ground,” Applejack turned to the other two Crusaders “Now I won’t drag the two of you youngsters into this if I can avoid it, but I wouldn’t complain about some assistance if you’re offering it,”
“Well, I’m a filly who lacks parental guidance except from a reckless stuntspony who will probably die in a horrible flying accident, so I’m in!”
“And I think Rarity’s in Canterlot right now, so I don’t have to work in the shop, and-” Sweetie Belle gasped, “we might get our cutie marks from this too!”
The other Crusaders joined in on Sweetie Belle’s excited proclamation:
“Cutie Mark Crusaders: Boogaloo! Yay!”
Author's Note
First chapter! Yay!
Let me know in the comments what you think about my writing style! Also, tell me why Applejack is terrible for questioning Twilight's personal book fund!
As Applejack and the Crusaders returned to the Apple Homestead, Applejack called out to her brother, “We’re home! Big Mac, could you open the toolshed? We have some work to do!”
“Boog?”
“Yessir!”
“Eeyup!”
As they were waiting for Big Mac to open the shed, the Crusaders got to learning about what a boogaloo is.
“So Sis, how does boogin’ work?”
“Well, Apple Bloom, when a politician feller goes theivin', the pony being targeted tells the feller to git. But when the feller refuses to git, the pony just has to make them do so. And that’s where boogin’ comes in,”
“So it’s kind of like an abusive relationship but one side is trying to make the other stop? I mean, sometimes when I come home I walk in on my sister being tied up by one of her customers, but I don’t quite think that’s quite the same because Rarity’ll always freeze up if she notices me and she’ll say something random like ‘grapefruit’. Also sometimes when I-”
“I ... think that’s enough information, Sweetie. So, uh, when you boog, you tell that good for nothin’ politician ‘You want me to play by your rules? You’ll have to come and make me!’ And then you get to fightin’ when the feller tries to make you-”
“Shed’s open!”
“-And if everythin' goes alright, the politician gives up and leaves you alone. Anyways, let’s get the equipment.”
“...Applejack?”
“Yes, Big Mac?” Applejack turned to Big Mac, who simply pointed to the gun rack in the shed, which was decidedly empty, except for one older, wooden rifle.
“Eenope!”
“Huh, that ain’t right,”
Applejack turned back towards the house. “Granny, do you know where the boogaloo gear is?”
“Yes, I do! I gave it away, dearie!”
“WHAT? Why?”
“Well, dearie, this nice young ali-whasit came to visit while you were gone. Asked if we had any firearms in the house, and I said yes! She took them for a 'civil for fit er' or somethin' and left!”
“Granny! You’re not supposed to do that! You’re supposed to say that we lost them on a boatin’ trip in the Everfree!”
“Well, dearie, you know that lyin’ just ain’t the Apple way. Besides, there no water deep enough in the Everfree to boat in! It’s all shallow swamp water!
“...There’s a river, I guess? It’s not like Twilight would know!... Why did she leave the wooden one, by the way?”
"She said something about it not being 'black and scary', dearie. Anyways, ain’t your greatgranpappy's rifle enough?”
“Probably not grannie, it’s a bit old!”
“Hey! Don’t go insulting your greatgranpappy's rifle. It won two griffon wars!”
“Sure granny, keep tellin’ yourself that!”
Applejack sighed and turned back to the others. “Stupid purple teleportin' bitch, pulling a fast one on me... Anyways, since we’re a little short on equipment, I guess I’ll have to work with the ol’ lasso. And since Big Mac has the most experience with the- *COUGH* FUDD *COUGH* rifle, he’ll make use of that,”
“Eeyup!”
Applejack turned to the crusaders, “As for you fillies, you’ll be doing something a little different!”
“Wait, we don’t get to have anything?” Apple Bloom complained.
“Well, fillies, Children and guns are simply a bad idea. Your average firearm is too unwieldy for a typical child to operate in a safe and effective manner,”
Sweetie Belle jumped in, “Hey! We aren’t that clumsy! We can handle ourselves! Mostly!”
“Yeah! Our last accident was over three days ago! Three! Days!” Scootaloo contributed.
“Hold your horses, you two, I ain’t finished! Children are better suited to crew served weapons. The semi-stationary characteristic of such a weapon relies less on the child’s physical strength and stamina and also builds teamwork,”
“... What does that mean, sis?”
Applejack smiled, “Well, fillies, remember that fireworks catapult you made for the Summer Wrap-Up?”
“...I think so? I think we hit a gazebo,” Sweetie Belle pondered.
“And remember how I said I dismantled the catapult after it took down that gazebo?”
Scootaloo smiled, “Oh yeah! Taking down that gazebo was awesome!”
“Well, I may have lied about that one. Just like YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WITH THE GUNS IN THE SHED, GRANNY!”
“DAMMIT, APPLEJACK! TWO GRIFFON WARS!”
Applejack declined to respond, as she knew Granny Smith would most likely never change her fudd ways, however well-meaning she may be. With a sigh, she returned her attention to the Crusaders. “Anyways, fillies, the catapult is yours to work with! I’ll get it out of its hiding spot in just a moment”
The Crusaders leapt with joy and cheered:
“Cutie Mark Crusaders: Artillery Crew! Yay!”
Author's Note
Shorter chapter here. The next one is currently turning out longer. And yes, Applejack lied. Blasphemy!
Let me know in the comments what you think about my writing style! Also, tell me what your favorite abusive relationship with Twilight is!
