Deadpool: Equestria's Daddy

Deadpool.

The merc with the mouth, sitting in the taxi car, driving through the streets of Canterlot’s neighbouring city; Fillydelphia, waiting to get o his destination. The back seat of the cab had some nice qualities; like the leaflets for the Friendship Land theme park that was re-opening next week.

He took the leaflet and hid it in his suit; he muttered to himself, “So going there after this. Maybe. Probably. Not.”

He did his best to pass the time; rolling the windows up and down, peeling gum off the top of the cab, even played rock, paper, scissors against himself. “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.” Both hands went for scissors. “Shit.”

Finally, when he’d had enough of being on his own, he decided to see what the driver was doing.

The driver was an adult male, green skin and blonde hair; he didn’t look that impressive, he was pretty skinny. He was muttering a song to himself when DP stuck his head through the seats and surprised him.

“Cause it’s all, all, all, all good; I feel abso, absolutely amazi…” he gasped when Deadpool’s head appeared.

“Whatcha singin’ there, my man?” the merc asked.

The taxi driver replied, “Oh, it’s just a song that some girl wrote.”

“Doesn’t sound like it’s just some girl.”

Deadpool then started climbing into the passenger seat; it wasn’t easy with the katanas on his back. The driver was just keeping his eye on the road, but giving DP the space he needed to move. “Okay, I have to keep my hands on the wheel.” The driver said.

After a bit of commotion, Deadpool landed in the seat; he then turned to the driver and introduced himself, “Hi, I’m Deadpool.”

“Zephyr. Zephyr Breeze.” The driver replied.

The merc then noticed a picture of a girl next to the steering wheel, she looked kind of hot; “Friend of yours; or stalker target?” Zephyr was too shy to answer. “Favourite hooker maybe?”

“No!” he shouted. Zephyr breathed and stated, “Her name is Rainbow Dash, and she’s my dream girl. Not kidding, I literally have dreams about her.” He explained. “But, she belongs to someone else; I guy who she’s been dating for a while. I lost my chance to make a move.”

Deadpool turned his head so he was facing Zephyr, “Baby, Boopy; love is a beautiful thing. You can’t let it go; you gotta grab it, by the dick sack, squeeze and never let go.” He explained. “Otherwise, life stinks.”

“What does it smell like, to make it stink so badly?” ‘Breeze asked.

The merc used his hands, “Man, like two pieces of cottage cheese, fucking in an old shoe. The point is it’s bad.”

There was a bit of silence in the car after that, DP went back to playing with the window and dancing his fingers on the clouds. To break the silence in the car, Zephyr Breeze asked where DP was going.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Mr Pool, where are you going in that suit of yours?”

Deadpool closed the window and replied, “Me, oh just your standard revenge story.” He then explained in more detail. “You see, I wasn’t always like this. I’ve got to find the person who did this to me, so I can make him undo it.”

“What, the one that put you in the red and black suit?”

“No, my son.” He replied. “This.” Deadpool lifted up his mask, revealing his face; when Zephyr saw his face, DP said, “Boo.”

The taxi driver was about to scream when he noticed, “Wait, you look normal.” It’s true, Deadpool’s face was unscarred and completely natural; just light brown skin and black hair.

“Well yeah, I didn’t want to rip off the Deadpool movie completely.”

Meanwhile, across town, a man with blonde hair and glasses was meeting with someone known by the Canterlot criminal underworld. The crime lord, Silvermane, had some business with this guy.

“Are, Trenderhoof, my old friend.” The crime-lord greeted.

“Uh, Silvermane, I kind of prefer, Ajax.”

Shaking his head and chuckling, Silvermane replied, “And I prefer it if you didn’t talk back to me. Trenderhoof.” The crime-lord snapped his finger, two sable agents brought a case forward; when they opened it, it revealed five sable guns.

“Your order includes twenty more of those cases; I’ll take my payment as usual.”

Trenderhoof examined the guns, he then looked up to Silvermane and replied, “I’d love to help you, but I’m a little strapped for cash.” He closed the lid of the case and two of his men took the case to one of their trucks. “How ‘bout an I.O.U?”

Silvermane was both amused and confused, “I don’t think you understand how these deals work, Trendy.” He stated. “You need to pay your way in this life or…” Silvermane was about to continue when his head started hurt.

He rubbed his forehead, trying to make the pain go away; his nose started bleeding, making him fall to the floor. One of his men ran over to help him; the goon looked up at Trenderhoof and shouted, “What the hell are you doing to him?!”

“It’s a special kind of telekinetic power; I’m crushing his brain with his skull.” Ajax explained.

The crime-lord couldn’t take much more of this, so he muttered, “Fine, take them.”

Ajax reached down to shake his hand, “Pleasure doing business with you.” But Silvermane just swatted his hand away. Trenderhoof told his men to load the crates into the cars; he then climbed onto his motorbike and led the cars back to his base.

Silvermane watched him leave, “Fucking Meta-humans.”

With the deal done, everyone left the area; now comes the good part.

“Oh shit!”

“What is it, Mr Pool?” Zephyr Breeze asked in response to DP’s sudden outburst, he’d turned his head so he was facing the direction they were coming from.

Deadpool faced forward and explained, “I left my, freaking duffle bag at home.”

“Should we turn back?”

The merc pulled out one of his pistols and checked the ammo, “No, no time for that.” He pulled the magazines out of both his guns. “Let’s see; five, ten? Twelve bullets.” He thought about it for a minute, “Fuck it.”

He then saw they were at his stop, “Right here.” Making Zephyr stop in the middle of the road; all the traffic behind him started honking their horns.

“Hey, come on.”

“I late enough as it is, man.”

“Move, Shit-Stick!”

The people were all yelling at the taxi; Zephyr wasn’t listening, he was too busy talking to his new friend. “Okay, that’ll be twenty two bucks.”

“Oh, I never carry the wallet with me in the suit.” DP whispers, “It looks like a boner.” The merc searched himself before suggesting, “How about a standard Deadpool fan high-five?” Deadpool raised his hand for a high-five.

Zephyr slapped his hand and said, “Thank you.”

“Merry Christmas.” DP replied.

“It’s not the holidays.”

Deadpool turned to him and explained, “Yeah, I never did find out if it was Christmas or Hearts Warming on this Earth.” The two of them thought for a minute. “Oh well, something to look up later.”

With that said, Deadpool climbed out the car and ran down the road.

Deadpool was sitting on the railing of a bridge the over looked some roads, his legs were dangling over the edge and he was drawing a picture of him cutting a guy’s head off.

Hi there, I know.

Can you believe this story’s finally out; don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the nine likes my Screwball and Mothball story got. But I think it was time I got my own story. Maybe this one will get me more followers; I know it doesn’t take that much to get them.

I mean look at all these other guys, CocoCandy, Darth Wrex and some other Mlp fanatics; they have like hundreds of followers and they barely have any stories.

Anyways, I have a girl to win back, a life to get back; and…

*turns to the road below him*

…bad guys to kill.

Two cars and two motor bikes were driving down the road; one car hand for guys, the other only had two. These were the same guys that had just picked up a weapons stash from Silvermane; now they were on their way back to their hideout. At least they thought they were.

“Maximum effort.” DP stated.

He then jumped off the bridge, and fell directly towards the first bad guy car.

The driver turned the radio on, the passengers in the car were enjoying listening to the music; one guy was tapping his finger to the beat.

When suddenly, a guy in a red and black suit crashed through the roof of the vehicle and elbowed the two backseat passengers in the face. One was knocked out, while the other went for the merc’s neck, strangling him.

DP just started joking around while he fought, “How’s it going boys?” he said before kicking the face of the guy in the front seat. “I’m looking for Trendy.” He then was pushed through the seats into the front of the car.

He quickly pulled out a childishly drawn picture of Trenderhoof and asked, “Have you seen this man?” the guy in the passenger seat punched him in the face, back into the grasp of the guy in the back.

The crook pushed him against the window, holding his face against the glass; “Hey, I think I see my granny’s house from here.” Then he made a bit of crude joke, “Ooh, she left the curtain open while she’s in the shower.”

Without any sign of warning, one of the motorcyclists drove by the car, holding a machine gun. Fired at the car, accidently killing the guy holding Deadpool and the guy in the passenger seat; the driver appeared unharmed.

Lucky cockhead.

Deadpool picked himself up and saw he needed to stop this car before anyone else got killed, and he didn’t get to kill them.

The driver saw the merc crawling towards him, and before he could pulled out his gun, Deadpool opened the driver’s door pushed him out of it; causing him to get run over by neighbouring vehicle.

With no other option, DP turned the wheel, making the car skid out of control; eventually, it filled over and started rolling down the street.

Sorry, would have worked in some kind of slow motion effect; but no one knows how to put that in words.

The car came to a halt when it landed in its side in the centre of the road; the other bad guy cars stopped and the men got out of them, with their weapons.

Meanwhile, on a parallel Earth, in the HQ of the O.S.C; one of its agents was called into the director’s office. They’ve been monitoring the multiverse, and a disturbance had come up on Earth-16.

“Jack-T, I’ve got an assignment for you.”

Jack came into the room and sat down at the director’s desk, he surprised with her words; he asked, “Why you talking to me like that, darling; I’m your husband, Olessia.”

“Yes, I know; but while we’re at work, we have to be professional.” She then printed out a piece of paper and handed it to Jack, a ‘most wanted’ document.

When he took a look at the paper, his smile went away, he knew this guy all too well. “Olessia, no; not him.”

Olessia replied, “He’s been on our books for months, he needs to be brought back.”

“How much trouble can a dog get himself into?”

“You seem to forget, he’s Adam’s dog.”

“Jack, wait up.”

Jack-T was followed to the Breech Portal room of the facility by another member of the hero factor; Heather, was her name.

Jack replied, “Come on, Heather; we have a mission.” He then thought about something for a sec, “Or should I call you Scarlett Witch?”

“Don’t make fun of my code-name; I don’t make fun of yours. ‘New Goblin’.”

Heather was wearing a red jacket, with standard clothes underneath; while Jack-T wore his classic black military suit, with a green face mask.

As they walked towards the portal machine, Jack was complaining about what they were about to do. “Adam said it would be easy to look after that stupid dog of his, now look what’s it’s done.”

Heather replied, “He did say that Spikey was special; in a sort of way.”

“When he said special, that should mean, ‘needs a special kind of food’ or ‘needs to be walked more than once a day’.” He explained. “No one told me he would turn into a human because he stepped through a magic mirror on a planet of ponies; then he’d put on a red suit and start killing people.”

They reached the machine and Jack-T opened the breech; before they went through, Jack handed something to Heather. “Here protein bar.”

“What do I need this for?”

“It’s give you strong bones.” Jack replied. “Spikey may try to break yours.”

With that said, they started their interdimensional travel to Earth-16, to put a certain dog back on his leash.

A squad of Ajax’s men approached the crashed car, all of them armed to the teeth with machine guns and other military grade weapons. One man at the front of the group told his men to stay back, he was gonna check it.

“Don’t shoot.”

The men suddenly opened fire as two hands emerged from the car wreckage, but they hid themselves when the shooting started. DP was hiding in the car, but we all know that’s not really his style.

Deadpool raised his arms again and explained, “Listen, I know that some retard named Trenderhoof is paying you guys to kill; but how much is he paying you.” DP’s head then emerged from the car. “You guys could at least afford some nicer outfits, what with the leather jackets?”

The crooks were now confused on what he was on about; so he explained, “I mean you would look nice with a top hat.” He said, pointing to a guy at the back. “And maybe you’d look nice in a pink skirt, princess.” DP joked, pointing to the guy at the front.

When the he heard that comment, he pulled the trigger on his gun and started shooting at the merc again; Deadpool was just about done with this.

“Fine, I only have twelve bullets, so you’re going to have to share.”

Deadpool emerged from the car and shot a round into the skull of the leading crook; he fell to the ground, dead. Other crooks readied their guns, and that’s when an idea came to DP.

He stated, “Wait a minute.” He then picked up the dead guy’s machine gun; once he had reloaded it, he open fired. Deadpool gunned down the remaining men, with no struggle; they barely had to time to get out their spare mags.

One guy remained, he charged at DP from the side; the merc had noticed this, and put one between the guy’s eyes, with one of his pistols. “Ah, still good for something.” He then turned away from the dead guys.

What? You think I was going to start summersaulting around, taking out three guys with only one bullet? I just started doing this a few weeks ago.

Either grow up, or go read something else.

Suddenly, one of the crooks got back up; he was wearing a bullet proof vest, he knew something like this would happen today. He reached for the back of his belt and drew two military knifes; all while, he had a smile on his face.

Deadpool reached for his katanas, and drew them; he stated, “My name is Deadpool, you killed my father, prepare to die.” He joked.

Without saying another word, the two of them charged at each other; both gripping their blades. But the charge ended when DP plunged his swords into his chest, cutting right through the vest; then held him up like fish on a spear.

Holy shit.

I bet you’re glad this story’s rated M, because your favourite super-hero just turned this guy into a fucking kebab. But don’t get me wrong; this story isn’t just about mayhem and murder; no, this is a romance story.

For you guys to get a better understanding, I need to take you back; like a month ago.