Deep down, Rainbow Dash knew she should have just admitted that the relationship wasn’t going to work out. She had been foolish, going after the ‘hottest girl in town’ just for the sake of having her. It wasn’t a decision made out of any wisdom or logic, only the barest sense of sexual attraction. Of course there would be a personality clash. Refinement, when faced with brashness, tended to make a recipe for disaster.

This time around, she had taken the time. To think. To feel it out. She knew how she felt now, and there wasn’t any doubts about certainty, nor compatibility. She loved Applejack. Hell, she might have loved Applejack even when she was in her last relationship, the poor athlete had simply been too blind to see it. Rainbow knew what she wanted. And she would simply have to figure out how she would go about saying it.

Flowers were not the farmgirl’s thing. It was a hackneyed, unsuitable gesture that was more welcome in bad romance novels than in any shape of reality- especially where Applejack was concerned. She’d thought of something practical, also: a complete refurbishment of the barn, or maybe a harvest of the whole orchard. It would have been fun, but the useful did not always translate to the romantic. Rainbow wondered if she should do something with apples, but it hardly would have been better than flowers. After all, why gift something the person you love sees every day of their life? After more deliberation than she ever should have had to have in the first place, Rainbow finally decided on an expensive bottle of red wine. Romantic, not overly fussy, and something the both of them could enjoy. Besides, the alcohol would make the whole conversation that would occur far easier, and also make what could result from it far more appealing.

When she purchased the gift, the salesman could hardly believe the moment had actually occurred: their most expensive bottle of Margaux, purchased by the Rainbow Dash, athlete extraordinaire. It was a wonder which part of that sentence was the more surprising, and the prismatic woman had to smirk at the sight of the stunned man’s expression as she waved goodbye. There might be talk of Rainbow’s purchase, if she didn’t act fast enough. She would have to be quick about this, lest town gossip go and ruin the surprise along with the confession.

And if she wasn’t careful, her friends would be more than willing to do the job.

“Rainbow Dash!” The cheerful, friendly voice of Twilight came from somewhere behind her, and it was of little surprise to see her walking up with a bundle of books in hand. “Goodness, what’s with the wine? Isn’t that- and it’s an expensive one, too!” The neuroticist’s gaze darted between the bottle and its keeper. “What’s that all about?”

“What wine bottle?” Rainbow asked innocently, sliding the cylinder behind her back. Of course it didn’t actually exist.

Twilight’s expression turned a dry blankness. “Rainbow, you can’t be serious…”

“OK, I just- don’t want you to laugh!” Rainbow countered, bringing the bottle back from its failed hiding place and showcasing it in her hands, Twilight seemingly impressed by the selection. “It’s a gift, and I just don’t want anyone talking about it. Alright?”

“Of course! Pinkie Promise, my lips are sealed,” Twilight assured her friend, realizing that the subject was actually a sensitive one for the poor girl. “What’s it got you all worked up for, though? Is everything alright?”

“I…” Rainbow’s gaze darted around the road wildly, searching for any sign of listening ears or prying eyes that could blow her cover. This gift was meant to be an intimate one. “Twilight, I dunno…”

“OK, OK! I was just curious, you don’t have to say,” the young woman said, raising her hands to chest height in surrender. “I promise I didn’t mean any harm.”

“I know, I just… OK, I’ll tell,” Rainbow said at last, a sudden spur of feeling coming forth and causing her to smile. The secret was hers alone, and it was solely her right to divulge it. She’d been eager to keep it under wraps, why did that suddenly change under the lightest pressure? “So… I’m going to give this to Applejack.”

“For Applejack? Rainbow, that’s so nice of you!” Twilight said- only to be promptly shushed by the frantic gestures of her companion. “Oh, sorry!”

“Quiet, will you? Egghead,” Rainbow chided. “Come on, don’t spoil it for me! It’s supposed to be a secret!”

“Sorry, it was just… you know, a reaction.”

“Fine, fine. But look, Twilight, I’m gonna go. I was kinda headed over to Sweet Apple Acres…”

“Oh, then don’t let me hold you up!” Twilight replied, regathering her bundle before giving a wave of parting. “Good talking to you, Rainbow, and it’s a thoughtful gift. I’m sure they’ll love it!”

Of course Applejack would love it. Why wouldn’t she, since the gift came from the incredible, wonderful, magnificent Rainbow Dash? It would be just the thing to start a perfect, sensuous, sex-crazed romance-

And then something in the parting seemed off. “Wait, they?” Rainbow echoed, her face twisting as she tried to ensure she actually had heard correctly. Yes, it sounded right in her mind, but why had Twilight mentioned it? She whirled back around and saw Twilight now some distance away, back turned as she headed towards the awaiting library. “Who in the hell is they?”

To Rainbow, it would seem as though that single, innocent conversation with her close friend would be the catalyst to everything that went wrong for the rest of the day. Though she doubted Twilight had blabbed, the confession of a deeply held secret seemed to open the floodgates for a now-loosened tongue and setting Rainbow down through the realms of continued poor decision-making. The oddity of the wine bottle in her hand sparked the curiosity of passersby and admirers as they walked by, and the subsequent conversations always seemed to let the secret slip. Some behaved just as Twilight had, calling the present ‘thoughtful’ or ‘friendly’ or some other warm-hearted superlative, but never something that would be seen as a romantic gesture. When the prismatic woman even let slip her intentions in her conversation with Spike, the remark seemed to cast a curious dilemma on the young man's mind.

“Something wrong, dude?” she asked.

Spike opened his mouth- and just as promptly closed it. Open again, and only releasing a sigh. He was struggling mightily.

Rainbow began to have a sneaking suspicion of what he was going to try and infer. “What, you don’t think she likes me?” she challenged.

“Umm…” Spike’s face was particularly pale for one so hot-blooded, he avoiding the hardened gaze of his older companion. “Rainbow, ever thought you might have missed your shot?”

“Huh? Oh, nah, definitely not!” Rainbow replied casually, dismissing the thought as though it were a wisp of cloud that could be brushed aside. “You know she digs me.”

Spike looked as though he might protest, but instead gave a weak smile to compliment his finger-guns. “Sure,” he said, and then walked off in some measure of haste to leave Rainbow stewing in her frustration.

Rainbow was getting rather aggravated now, each new greeting from those who saw her slowing her down even further. She had meant to be at Sweet Apple Acres making delicious love to Applejack over an hour ago, but every new conversation seemed to be longer and all the more irritating. How many people were trying to trip her up, slow her down or simply ruin the moment? Far, far too many of her neighbors seemed to think Applejack would be disinclined to her affections, something she considered insulting. They didn’t think that lowly of her, did they?

“Hello, Rainbow Dash!” Another voice and she wanted to scream. However, this was one she knew deserved better patience than what she currently possessed, for it was the voice of her oldest, dearest friend in the world. When she turned her head to see the sweet face of Fluttershy, the vexed athlete forced herself to remain in some semblance of calm. No one could mean less harm, or intend to be more loving.

“Hey, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said. “You look like you’re in a good mood.”

“I am, thank you!” Fluttershy replied, indeed seeming to positively beam. “I had a lovely evening last night, if you must know. When the engagement was announced I was invited to the party, and it was such a lovely celebration.” She paused in her recollections and took heed of the wine bottle in her friend’s hands, staring at it curiously. “Oh my, is that for you?”

Of course she could trust Fluttershy with the secret. This was the one person she trusted more than anyone in the world, was just as good as family. “Nah, it’s for Applejack. I thought it’d be a good gift.”

“Yes, it definitely will be!” Fluttershy assured her, her smile growing all the wider. “That’s so very sweet of you, Rainbow! It’s a wonderful gift for an engagement party, even if you weren’t able to come… but I thought she sent you an invitation- either way, they’ll love you for it!”

They. Enough was enough, and it was time for the hard-charging Rainbow Dash to put her foot down. “OK, enough of this crap. Who in the fresh, squinty hell is they?” she demanded. “I got this for Applejack and me. That’s it! I’m bringing it to the farm, I’m gonna tell her I like her, and then we’re gonna get down and dirty. For the love of- what are you staring at?”

Fluttershy absolutely would not meet her friend’s gaze, a small blush as she tried to collect her thoughts together. “Umm… Rainbow,” she began, “Do you think that you might be a bit too late for that? Especially now?”

“No. No! Damn, you’re like the fifth person that’s asked me that,” Rainbow grumbled. “Applejack’s not with anybody or else the whole town would’ve known by now and would’ve told me… now what’s your problem?”

Fluttershy’s expression was something of a dawning, some new idea and thought that was taking root in her mind before flourishing. “But Rainbow- the whole town does know! The engagement was in the newspaper this morning!”

The sound of a violent, ear-bleeding record scratch shot through the air and set the whole world to frigid. “Beg pardon?” Rainbow asked softly.

“I mean, we knew they were dating for some time now –a few years, even- and a few of us thought it would only be a matter of time, but…” Fluttershy properly read the confusion on her friend’s face and gave a small gasp of horror-struck realization. “Oh my goodness- Rainbow, did you never know?”

“Know what?” Rainbow demanded. “Holy shit, all of you need to stop this over-dramatic bullcrap and just spit it out!”

Fluttershy flinched, but held her nerve. “You… you should grab a newspaper,” she said calmly. “Come with me, you’ll- you figure it out from there.”

The two departed from the side road and took to the village thoroughfare, walking up to a young boy who was handing out freshly printed newspapers as fast as he could place them in his hand. “Two bits for a paper, Miss Fluttershy?” he called.

“Thank you, Rumble,” Fluttershy said kindly, handing him one bit extra just because she could. “I hope you haven’t been too busy today.”

“Are you kidding? This is my third stack and I’m gonna run out again!” The young boy proclaimed, though he hardly seemed perturbed by the fact. “This is so cool, I actually get to see this all happen! When is it gonna be you and Princess Luna’s turn, huh?”

“Oh, don’t you even start! I heard plenty of that last night,” Fluttershy said with a wave of her hand, though not seeming embarrassed by the rather intrusive question. “Oh, uh- Rainbow, here you go.”

Rainbow Dash snatched the newspaper from her friend’s hand without a word, not even having to open it in fullness to see the attention-grabbing headline emblazoned on the front page in massive, unmistakable font: Princess Celestia announces engagement to Applejack, renowned Ponyville apple farmer.

Fluttershy winced when she saw the headline flicker across her friend’s face. She knew Rainbow had read it, even if she somehow hadn’t known this was coming well beforehand. Obliviousness was one thing, but this still had to hurt. “I’m sorry, Rainbow. I thought you’d known…”

Rainbow remained silent, stony, completely cut off from the rest of the world and entrapped in her own personal thoughts. But then she began to quiver, at first only a gentle motion that turned stormy and frantic. Her lip trembled, her face contorted into an enraged, furious fixation that begged for even the most basic form of release-

Fluttershy looked on in horror, knowing what was coming next. Her gaze darted down to Rumble, who stood nearby and stared up at Rainbow Dash with eager anticipation for the incoming words that would expand his vocabulary. “Oh no-”

And then, like a violent crack of thunder across an open field, with a sound more furious and potent than a shot from a cannon, came one long, horrendous scream from the open mouth of one very unhappy, and highly incensed athlete known as Rainbow Dash:

“You've gotta be fucking SHITTING ME!”

Author's Note

How do you follow up the dumbest thing you've ever written? By writing the stupidest shit this website will ever see.

To the four people that downvote everything I post, I see you.