Murder Time, Fun Time

An emergency meeting of the twelve leaders of the pantheons had been called in response to the destruction of Earth. Some of the lesser gods who attended the meetings wondered why the meeting featured twelve leaders instead of the ten who had been in attendance for the past thousand years. Of course, rumors had surfaced that Luna had returned recently and would be attending this meeting. That only made the number of leaders return to the eleven who attended for the past ten thousand years when the gates were relocated.

Even today, the Greek, Egyptian and Norse pantheons looked down on the Equestrian pantheon for their incompetence. Neither Zeus, Ra or Odin could take Celestia seriously when she still refused to choose an Underworld God when it was one of the most important positions among the pantheons.

Around a circular table with a hole in the center large enough to fit someone to act as a moderator sat the leaders of the pantheons.

The Greek leaders of Planet Olympus, Zeus, Poseidon and Hades, took the form of non-human like or sub-human like forms after the relocation. Zeus and Poseidon were now centaurs with human torsos and white hair and beards with Poseidon’s having a bluish tint. One specialized in storm magic while the other specialized in the magic of the sea. Hades was a red minotaur with smoldering horns and hair made of fire. All three wore togas.

The Egyptian leaders of Planet Nile, Ra, Isis and Osiris, took the form of human-like beings. Ra and Isis had the heads of hawks and a full plumage of feathers under their arms that extended and retracted when needed, especially to avoid the awkwardness of sleeping on them whenever they needed to rest. Osiris took the form of an anubite, a human-like creature with the head of a jackal. Ra wore a golden Egyptian garb with white baggy pants, Isis’ garb matched her feathers with the same pants as Ra while Osiris wore a garb of red, gold and black with the same pants as the others.

Ra’s feathers were golden while Isis had feathers that were a mix of red, blue and gold. Osiris had pale green fur.

The Norse leaders of Planet Njord, Odin, Thor and Hel, were probably the most human looking trio at the table. This was because the subjects of their world were composed of human-like giants who were born into various clans depending on their elemental affinity, often between mountain, fire, ice, or storm.

The three Norse leaders had aspects of the four clans within them but Odin and Thor often exhibited their storm affinities. Hel exhibited mainly her frost affinity. Sitting faithfully next to Hel was her loyal hound, Garmr.

While Njord was dominated by clans of elemental giants, Olympus was dominated by centaurs, minotaurs, and cyclops and Nile by tribes of animal-headed humanoids.

Celestia was still upset with Zeus for leaving Tirek in the Equestrian section of Tartarus just because he couldn’t stand the fact that Tirek was the son of a centaur and a minotaur. This was one time where she wished she had appointed an Underworld God because then she would get to have a say in where the hybrid stayed in Tartarus.

Celestia and Luna sat in their respective seats at the table next to a chair that had never been used since its making.

With everyone in attendance, the meeting began.

“We now come to order,” Zeus stated. “This meeting has been called to address the emergency situation. With the Earth destroyed by the alien overlord Zinyak, there now exists an imbalance in the afterlife realms of Heaven and Hell. The billions of souls whose lives have come to an abrupt end have all been judged and sent to their appropriate places.”

Odin continued, “There lies an issue in processing the souls that enter these realms. Because Hell’s processes are vastly more efficient than Heaven’s, the Heavenly Host is overworked and vulnerable to an attack by Satan’s armies. Without support, Heaven will fall and we will be targeted next. We must send forces to Hell to suppress them before they become a threat.”

Osiris went next, “We may not have to send but a full battalion to suppress them. Word is that a group of mortals, mostly ponies, are causing a lot of damage to Satan’s forces. I have also heard that his war funds have been cut off because the intruders took out his sources of income, the sins of mortals.”

Hades spoke up, “Be that as it may, Satan is determined to capitalize on the chaos of the mass exodus of souls to conquer heaven. He must be sealed away for eternity before the damage becomes irreparable. He has already shown that he wishes to see the balance destroyed based on his actions of preparing his troops for war. He intends to use the last human who ruled one of the most powerful nations of the Earth’s modern era to lead his troops to storm Heaven. Satan and possibly the human must be neutralized.”

Celestia finally spoke up, “And what of the candidate for my pantheon’s missing position? It would appear that Pinkamena seems to be causing quite the disruption to Satan’s plans. Do you not believe that she can defeat him?”

“Listen to your elders and only speak when spoken to, young goddess,” Zeus admonished. “Even if she does face Satan, she would need to ascend to become one of us in order to have enough power to seal him. Otherwise, she would only get worn down despite how skilled she might be in combat. Satan is an immortal and cannot be killed by conventional means.”

“The problem lies with her indecision to go through with the ascension,” Isis explained. “While it is true that immortals can live lonely lives, there are benefits to being an Underworld Ruler that cannot be replicated by the eight of us, excluding Hades, Osiris and Hel. One example is the ability to give a choice to departed souls of whether to move on or to spend their afterlives in service to the Underworld God or Goddess, though the way to the Elysian Fields will forever be closed to them. However, Pinkamena must make this choice without being influenced by the perks.”

“We must send our forces to Hell,” Thor stated decisively. “We cannot know for certain whether she will choose to ascend or not and we must be there in case she ultimately refuses.” The Greek, Egyptian and Norse gods spoke in agreement.

Celestia rolled her eyes as the other gods talked among themselves as if she nor her sister were there. It always irked her how condescending the other gods were and silently wished for something to happen to knock them down a peg.

For the first time, Celestia started to believe that having the psychotic pony ascend might be a good idea if only to see her humble them.

While the meeting was winding down, Celestia and Luna decided to sneak out knowing that the others wouldn’t notice them.

Luna spoke up as they exited the conference room, “Even a thousand years later, they are still more arrogant than the Canterlot nobles.”

Celestia sighed in exasperation, “I know that the premature loss of Earth would be cause for alarm among the realms, but this should be a time where we must band together and weather this tsunami of change. Instead, they act like it’s business as usual and continue to treat us like a pair of foals.”

“That may be true compared to them, but we have our own experiences that they lack. We need to show that we are ready to stand among them as equals. We must plan for the contingencies that occur as a result of Pinkamena’s choice.”

“Yes, sister, we shall.” Celestia paused for a moment. “Though on a personal note, I hope she does accept. It would be fun to watch her rock the boat.”

“But sister,” Luna gasped in mock surprise. “What about your precious harmony that you wanted to protect.”

Celestia giggled, “After my talk with Santa who had the opportunity to judge Pinkamena’s character and remembering my disdain toward the nobles and the other pantheon leaders, I’ve realized that some disruption in harmony is worth watching them squirm.”

“Now that I would pay every bit in my entertainment budget to see.”

“As would I Lulu, as would I.”

“Jezebel? As in Jezebel Mephistopheles, the one who is supposed to be getting married to Playa?” Pinkamena asked.

“Yes to my name and no I don’t want to marry him. My father is making me.”

“Tch, Sounds like my parents when they make that spiel about me inheriting the rock farm. Their insistence on the matter was what drove me to rebel against them in the first place.”

“Believe me, I would love to as well if my father wasn’t the all powerful ruler of Hell who didn’t give two shits about my happiness and sees everyone, including me, as a pawn in his plans to take over the realms. That’s all he ever cares about, his revenge against God and all of his creations.”

“Maybe killing you will put a stop to his plans,” Johnny offered.

“Not likely, I’m just another pawn in his schemes. This whole marriage is only the simplest means of getting what he wants: a general who can lead his troops in an assault on Heaven and Tartarus and the magical worlds, including Equus, to conquer them.”

“So Satan is a threat to Equus?” Pinkamena asked. “All the more reason to stop him. But why should we trust the daughter of Satan?”

“Perhaps some important information will suffice. My father’s minions have captured your allies and are torturing them as we speak.”

“You couldn’t have led with that?” Kinzie asked in exasperation.

“I had to show I’m your ally and to avoid getting shot at before I had a chance to explain. Anyway, go save your friends and I’ll help you sneak into my father’s castle.”

Everyone quickly left the Ultor building while everyone split into their previously assigned groups and flew off to rescue their allies.

It didn’t take long to rescue Dane, Blackbeard, Shakespeare, Vlad, Viola and Kiki since they were out in the open being tortured by small groups of Dark Inciters. Their various magics tore through the shields easily before the demon casters were annihilated.

Everybody rallied at the Ultor building so that they could avoid being caught alone again since Satan was most likely ready to deal with them himself. Dane’s meeting room was just big enough to hold everyone.

Dane began the meeting, “Alright, this is it. If Jezebel can get us into Satan’s castle then it’s only a matter of taking down the castle defenders and the big guy himself. Satan is unlike any foe you all have ever faced. He is an immortal being with a lot of deadly magic so killing him is off the table. The best we can do is to seal him away like Moondancer did to some of Pinkamena’s old foes.”

Pinkamena looked at Moondancer in surprise, “You faced off against some of my old foes? Which ones?”

“Some waterlogged zombie named William Sharp, some Neighponese type person with two katanas named Jyunichi, an amalgamated horror composed of who Viola and Kiki identified as the Akujis, and Killbane who showed the scars from when you chopped him in half.”

“Killbane was likely the one who brought those people together and put us in that tight situation we were in,” Viola explained.

Pinkamena smirked, “Wow, I would have thought they would have tried to go after me when I set hoof in Hell. Maybe they would have later. Would have been fun to kill them all again. So what happened to them?”

“I placed them all in nightmare simulations like with Zinyak,” Moondancer explained. “Sharp is in a cheap nursing home where he is visited by his nephew and friends of his nephew. The younger Akuji is buried six feet under in a coffin and unable to die, The older Akuji is living in a scenario where he lives with his son who is married to Jyunichi, who is constantly reliving his failures to his boss. Killbane is living the gimp life as a pet of Viola and Kiki.”

Pinkamena laughed uncontrollably for two minutes as she imagined those unfortunate souls suffering true hell that Satan wished he could imagine.

Dane soon returned to the main topic, “Anyway, back on topic. Sealing Satan won’t be easy as it would take a lot of magic to seal Satan away unlike with the others; magic that is beyond even Moondancer’s capabilities.”

“So is sealing him an option?” Pinkamena asked.

“Not unless we have some of the most powerful artifacts in Hell: The Seven Deadly Weapons. Each weapon was forged from a powerful spirit that was born from the First Sin. Avaritia, the spirit of Greed,” Gilda looked at her bracelets. “Ira, the spirit of Wrath,” Treehugger looked at her machete. “Inertia, the spirit of Sloth,” Vinyl tilted her head. “Invidia, the spirit of Envy,” Octavia’s thoughts turned to her rifle. “Libido, the spirit of Lust,” Moondancer nodded. “Gula, the spirit of Gluttony,” Pinkie ate a cupcake she had pulled out of her mane. “And Superbia, the spirit of Pride are the spirits who inhabit the seven weapons aaaaaaand you have already collected them all haven’t you?” Each bearer displayed their weapons.

“Looks like we get to celebrate another reunion,” Superbia, Pinkamena’s scythe, said. “Better get to the buffet before Gula gets to it.”

“Would you get over that already?” Gula, Pinkie’s whistle, grumbled. “I said before that if you want to have a reunion then have two tables with one exclusively for me. But did you listen? Nope.”

“Can we get to the topic of dealing with Satan before we go off on another pointless tangent?” Dane demanded.

“Why not? I wanna see where this drama goes,” said Inertia, Vinyl’s chair.

“While I can see that with those weapons you likely dealt with the Archdukes quite handily,” Dane said hastily to avoid another pointless conversation. “I need to point out that the weapons alone will not be enough to defeat Satan. However, Viola and Kiki looked through the archives and came across an ancient spell that is said to empower the Seven Deadly Weapons.”

“I know that spell, it kinda does what you mentioned, but the main purpose behind it is to empower the bearer of Pride,” Superbia explained. “Normally, the spell would simply instill incredible power unto the bearer but it’s different if the bearer is the Chosen One destined to take her place as the fourth Underworld Goddess. I’m sure you don’t need me to explain what that kind of power will do to you, Miss Candidate. If you cast the spell, there will be no going back; no reversing the effects. Choose wisely, Pinkamena Diane Pie.”

As Dane gave her a copy of the spell, Pinkamena knew that the time was upon her to make her choice that would decide her future. The problem was that she was still undecided. Even after weighing the pros and cons, she was still unable to come to a satisfactorily clear decision.

To accept ascension would justify her parents’ actions to get her or one of her sisters to run the rock farm because the fortune their ancestors got would come to pass. However, it would also set the Pie family free from the burden of that fortune, making their parents get off their backs about the rock farm and allowing her sisters the full freedom to pursue their dreams without familial guilt.

Pinkamena would also have to accept what may likely be an indefinite lifespan spent alongside one stuck up princess and another who she had no clear opinion of since her only experience with Luna was her time as Nightmare Moon. She had no idea what she was like without the corruption. In the end, she would have to bond with those two eventually.if she wanted to get her syndicate up and running without too much interference from the Equestrian government.

There was also the part about outliving her friends. Tartarus wasn’t Hell, she couldn’t just see their souls there unless they were among the most dangerous threats to Equestria. Most ponies would be bound for the Elysian Fields when they died. Her friends have done a lot of terrible things for the sake of getting home, but they weren’t bad ponies.

Refusing ascension would only make her parents find ways to get one of her sisters to stay and run the rock farm. If they pushed too hard, they may find themselves dead in their beds one day; an outcome that even a murderer like her would prefer to avoid. She would be able to live out her more precious life with her friends this way though she may have a more difficult bargaining position with Celestia and Luna since they most likely knew about her tendency toward violence but that would also make her life more interesting.

All her life, Pinkamena had been running from her fate being thrust upon her. Her parents didn’t want to let her have a choice in how her future would be. While the divine powers were doing the same thing in a way, the difference between them and her parents was that she was being allowed to choose to pursue this destiny.

In the end, one griffon was what it took to tip the scales and allow her to make her choice.

Johnny, Kinzie, and the Equestrians approached the entrance to Satan’s castle. Tension filled the air as they approached what may be the toughest battle of their lives.

Pinkamena was filled with determination. Her earlier conversation with Gilda had helped her clear the fog of uncertainty from her mind.

As the group approached the entrance, one of the double doors opened to reveal Jezebel who held the door open for everyone to enter.

The first thing they saw upon entry was an entryway with crimson and gold banners with images of serpents on them. There were bright red lines on the floor. The door ahead was black with dark red images of skulls and Satan’s reverse star symbol.

Beyond the doors was the throne room. On the floor was a dark red pentagon with the points of a bright red star at each corner of the shape and a smaller red star in the center of the larger star. The room was adequately lit by a series of braziers around the room along with two waterfalls of magma at either side of the golden throne.

In the center stood a giant crystal that was large enough to house a person. The group was almost certain that Playa was within it.

“Yeah, I’m not falling for that obvious trap,” Pinkamena stated before taking a deep breath for a yell. “SATAN, COME OUT NOW BEFORE WE TEST HOW DURABLE THAT CRYSTAL IS TO OUR FIREPOWER!”

Satan entered the room a few seconds later with a large number of demons at his side. The Devil himself had the trademark red skin along with a pair of leathery wings that were large enough to lift him. The top of his head was composed of four curved black horns that extended back and to the side. He wore only a loincloth with a skull on it.

The Devil looked at the intruders with mild disdain, “I see you have inspired my--”

*Bang*

Satan stumbled backward as a bullet hit him in the head. Johnny held the smoking gun pointed at The Devil. “I said I’d put a bullet in your head during that brief musical and I did.”

Satan countered by teleporting to Johnny and punching him into a wall. “How clever Mister Gat, to attack me during a monologue. You truly are ruthless. Let’s make a deal, you marry my daughter and I let your friends leave Hell with the President of the United States.”

“Yeah, no, fuckin’ you up sounds like a better plan.”

“Disappointing…” Satan’s gaze turns to Pinkamena, “I see the Candidate is with you as well. How about this instead: become my general and lead my armies to conquest against Heaven and all other realms.”

Pinkamena maintained a cheerful smile, “Not to sound like a parrot but, what Johnny said, word for word.”

Satan’s frown deepened, “You think you can waltz into my castle and challenge the--”

*BANG*

A blast from Octavia’s Retribution rifle sent Satan flying into a wall. He quickly recovered and growled at the group before he reigned in his anger and teleported to the crystal, grabbed it and flew to his throne where he set the crystal next to it and sat down in his seat. “So be it, kill them all.” he ordered.

The demon horde only lasted a minute against the twelve combatants, some equipped with weapons that decimated their ranks.

“Useless minions,” Satan growled. “I’ll end you mortals myself!” He grabbed Jezebel in his magic and tossed her into the entryway before he shut the door to the throne room and locked it.

He started by pulling Pinkamena to him with his magic, a big mistake as his shoulder was stabbed by her scythe. Satan yelped in pain as he quickly tossed the madmare away. The scythe returned to her hooves.

Satan opened chaotic rifts in order to make his victims twist and writhe but everyone rolled out of the way and continued shooting at him. Vinyl unleashed waves of concentrated sound waves that pounded his body before he received another heavy hit from Octavia’s rifle.

More demons entered the fray from the small doors around the room but they were quickly cut down as Treehugger flew around the room with her machete ablaze. Any fire magic Satan sent at her was shrugged off as if she hardly felt anything. He made a note to avoid using fire magic against her.

Other demons who entered the room ended up as piles of money after receiving a fatal scratch from Gilda’s gold and shadow clad talons.

All the while, the demons never attempted to retaliate because they were too busy fighting each other after being charmed by Moondancer.

Pinkie stemmed the flow of demons into the room when she blew her whistle and swarms of parasprites entered the small doors. A cacophony of screams was heard seconds later.

None of Satan’s tricks and illusions mattered as the number of combatants were too many to fool all at once for the room’s size.

“You face an immortal, I am invincible!” Satan growled.

True to his word, despite all the firepower brought against him, death would not claim him. However, the humiliation he suffered from the mortals and the fact that his daughter defied her was more than his patience could stand.

If he could not have his general, then he could at least deny the gods their Candidate.

Having enough of the Saints, Satan cast Johnny, Kinzie, Playa and Jezebel out of Hell, leaving only the ponies. He teleported behind Pinkie and grabbed her by her neck before teleporting back to his throne.

“I’ve had enough of your resistance. Drop your weapons or she will fry.”

The situation went as Pinkamena figured it might, her sister was taken hostage and there was little she could do that wouldn’t cost her sister’s life. With reluctance, she ordered her friends to stand down. Everyone dropped their weapons or banished in the case of some.

“Any last words before I end you, Candidate?”

With a sad smile and a sigh of resignation, Pinkamena spoke, “How about a poem?”

Satan was confused for a moment as he had never heard anyone have their last words be a poem. But he thought nothing of it and shrugged. “Sure, why not? Amuse me.”

Pinkamena took a deep breath before she uttered her poem,

“Seven keys of sin shall open the way.”

Something in the back of Satan’s mind stirred, a memory of something he had forgotten.

“Seven lights shall guide the one.”

He was sure there was something familiar about the poem, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“The lights shall call the one to say,”

Satan’s eyes widened in realization to what the mare was reciting. “NO!” he screamed, but it was too late to get a spell off as the Seven Deadly weapons glowed.

“‘Open the gate, the fun has only begun!’”

Empowered, Gula teleported Pinkie out of Satan’s grip and to the side of her friends. The weapons glowed brighter before they cast a light upon Pinkamena. Everyone was momentarily blinded until the light faded.

Earlier…

“Gilda, what would you do if you were a goddess?” Pinkamena asked.

“Me?” the griffon squawked in surprise before reigning her emotions back in. “W-well if such a thing happened to me, I would use it for the better of the griffon empire. Those stupid, selfish, snobby nobles have driven the empire into the ground. Somegriff needs to step up and bring those squabbling dweebs under control.”

“And that someone would be you?”

“I may not be the best leader to anygriff, but I’d work hard to become the kind of griffon the empire needed. With the way things are going for my people, something needs to be done to bring stability to them and it sure won’t be Celestia since my people are still fearful of their power.”

“So you would use such power to become a queen or empress?”

“Better than letting those nobles have their way with the empire.” Gilda paused for a moment, “But that’s not what’s happening. This is your chance to make great changes to Equus. If a murderous psycho like you is the one chosen to rule Tartarus after thousands of years, then there has to be something about you that has never been seen before. Either that, or you had to become the kind of pony that you are now to be considered the one pony out of millions to be worthy of the position. Who knows, maybe it has happened before but the previous candidates had flat out refused for one reason or another.

“So the question is: are you going to be the first pony to reach this point and say ‘yes’, or are you going to leave the matter to another down the road?”

Pinkamena sat in place where the center of the light was with her eyes closed. Everyone noticed one major difference from how she looked before the flash but Octavia noticed more. Pinkamena’s wings were larger, her mane had a slight curl at the tips and some of it drooped around her new horn and between her eyes.

Satan was caught by surprise by the madmare’s sudden transformation and her spike in power. That was all Pinkamena needed as she put on her psychotic smile and took one of Moondancer’s storage devices in her magic before she teleported to the still surprised Satan. She appeared behind him with her scythe in hoof and quickly decapitated him. While Satan could have undone the curse the scythe put on him, he had other worries as his very being was being drawn into the storage device.

He attempted to break free from Pinkamena’s pull, but he had been greatly weakened in his fight against the Saints and Equestrians, plus being a bodiless head with no choice but to use a lot of magic to attempt to fix himself didn’t help, so he was unable to resist for long before he was pulled into the device.

Inside the device, Satan was in some sort of auditorium. The audience was composed of many small versions of himself. Walking to the center of the stage was a normal-sized version of himself with an innocent smile on his face. Another approached the first with a guitar.

Satan had a bad feeling about what was going to happen. He remembered his torture of Vlad and felt like he would be subjected to similar. He tried to attack the stage only for any damage to be undone in an instant.

The Satan on stage began to speak, “Welcome everyone to the eternal concert where we will sing a song that will never end. It’s called ‘Happy Happy, Joy Joy’.”

The real Satan’s eyes widened in horror. He knew that song and hearing that played for eternity would drive the likes of himself to madness. He desperately tried to attack everything in the room but he ended up wasting his magic as the guitar started playing.

“Happy happy joy joy,
Happy happy joy joy,
Happy happy joy joy,
Happy happy joy joy,
Happy happy joy joy,
Happy happy joy joy,
Happy happy joy joy joy…”

Those two words would traumatize the demon in a way that none would wish on their worst enemies as the song repeated over and over without pause. Everyone in the room joining in the chorus only made the trauma worse.

Occasionally, the song would blare loudly in his ears which would distract him from his own thoughts and make him forget what he was thinking about.

In time, those two words will be the only words in his vocabulary.

Back in the once leaderless section of Tartarus, Tirek was attacking the gate with all of his considerable might trying to break it down. He was very close to freedom and the conquest of Equestria.

Suddenly the entire realm shook and the guardians that Tirek had disabled earlier stirred. Once drained of their magic, the guardians were reinvigorated as the realm empowered them once more.

“A mistress has risen,” one guardian said.

“The realm must be made ready before she comes,” another said.

“Capture the prisoners, this realm must be made ready for her inspection,” yet another said.

As Tirek readied another kick at the door with his hooves, chains manifested around his wrists and hooves and he found himself being dragged away. “What is this? I have never seen the defenses this strong, not since my time among the prisoners of Hades.”

Tirek’s eyes widened in realization. If the defenses have been strengthened, then that could only mean that an Underworld God had risen to claim the realm.”

Tirek struggled with all of his might to break free of the chains but his efforts were for naught as the chains drained him of the magic he had stolen. He grew weaker and his form smaller and increasingly emaciated.

“NOOOOOOOO!” he screamed as the chains yanked him off the ground and pulled him back into his cage.

Tirek watched in awe as the gate’s color turned purple and an adamantine fleur de lis appeared on the door.

Celestia and Luna felt the waves of power hit them like a wave crashing into their faces. They had not felt anything like it since Cadance ascended. The power they felt was much greater than that, rivaling their own.

They knew this meant one thing.

One thought ran through their minds once they figured out what happened.

“Maybe now we can get those blowhards to respect us.”