Anon, The Cuddle Slut: Season 1
Episode 1: Sleepover My Head
Knock, knock, kno-
“Oh my absolute fuck.” Anon muttered in the bed of his horsey hut. Once again he was awoken by the third most annoying sound ever created, next to alarm clocks and crying babies. He was in a particularly irritable mood due to a general feeling of anxiety that had washed over him in a wave. There wasn’t any one thing he was anxious about, rather it was everything he was anxious about.
He swung his legs over the bed, slowly rising to his feet. When he heard the second round of knocking, he noticed that it was close. Like, really close. Like behind the bedroom door close. Whoever it was, they were already in the house. Anon grabbed his trusty bat, Jackie. It’s been a hot minute since he used Jackie. He had hoped that since he named it after the Storm King invasion, it would get more play and be a part of his kit, but such is life. For now at least, he can feel a little more comfortable approaching the door.
When he opened the door however, he immediately realized that Jackie would not be necessary.
“Pinkie?” Anon asked groggily, letting the head of the bat hit the hardwood floor. “You know, why am I not surprised you of all ponies broke into my house?”
The Eponymous Pinkamena Diane Pie stood before the human. Well, “stood” in horse terms. Even then, she was lightly swaying back and forth, her eyes barely opened. Amazingly, she wasn’t naked, but rather in a blue onesie with red dots. It was a change of pace from the usual au naturel, but Anon wasn’t sure if it was a welcome one. After all, it’s the inverse law of nudity: if one is already naked, the addition of clothing makes the being feel more naked. Anon shelved the thought as he was momentarily distracted by Pinkie yawning cutely.
“I had a nightmare.” Pinkie said simply, her voice unusually quiet. A tired Pinkie is a rare sight in and of itself. You’d think she just alternated from awake and alert or just dead, only to resurrect when it’s time to be awake. At least, that was Anon thought. You can’t tell him that that wasn’t the case.
“Aren’t you a little old to be bothered by nightmares?” Anon leaned on the door frame. “Moreover, don’t you have a deity that explicitly deals with nightmares. Moreover moreover, you haven’t answered my rhetorical question of breaking into my house and I’m going to report you to the proper authorities.”
“I know you won’t.” Pinkie replied bluntly.
Damn, she got you there.
“I’m not used to this tired, sassy Pinkie.” Anon crossed his arms, silently resigned to turning her in. “Anyway, what does a nightmare have to do with you breaking in my house?”
“Can I sleep with you?” Pinkie asked nonchalantly. Anon was taken a back by the sudden request.
“Whoa there, Nelly-“
“Pinkie.”
“Would you-“ Anon stopped himself from yelling, partly because he’s trying to be nicer and partly because he doesn’t want to wake the town. He took a deep breath. “Pinkie. You are a grown mare. You don’t need to sleep in anyone’s bed, least of all mine, to go back to sleep.”
“Please, Nonny?” She pleaded, staring at him with her baby blues. “I can’t go back to sleep and I’ve tried everything!”
“And what is this ‘everything’, exactly?” Pinkie stayed silent. “You didn’t try anything, did you?”
In response, Pinkie closed the little distance between them and rubbed against Anon’s leg, like a cat trying to get attention. Anon facepalmed and sighed. Then groaned.
“Pinkie, it’s too late for this shit, man.” Anon whined. “You don’t just sleep with other people in your bed.”
“I slept with my sister and that was fine.” Pinkie pouted, adamant on her mission.
“That’s...” Anon lingered on thought, getting a little lost in the fantasy. “...hot.”
Pinkie tilted her head. “What?”
“I mean, that’s NOT the same.” Anon quickly corrected. “That’s family and it’s more socially acceptable to sleep with family.”
“But we’re friends.”
“Friends don’t sleep in the same beds. That’s reserved for significant others.”
“You mean special someponies?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Anon lightly pushed Pinkie on the other side of the bedroom door. “Look, you’re not getting into my bed. If you’re really having trouble sleeping, eat a tub of ice cream and flick it til you pass out. If the sugar crash doesn’t get you, the exhaustion will. Bye bye.”
Anon closed the door on the pony. Granted, she was still in his house but if she was so adamant, she could sleep on his couch. Can’t say he isn’t a generous host after all. With a yawn, Anon turned to head back to bed...
...of which Pinkie was already sitting in, waiting for him.
“Sometimes, I’m scared of what you could’ve been if you weren’t a Element of Harmony.” Anon remarked. Pinkie smiled a little deviously at the observation, which only unnerved Anon even more. He sighed heavily.
“Ugh, fine.” Anon relented. “I’m too tired to drag your fat ass out so you can stay. Just stay on your side of the bed and we’ll call it good.”
Anon begrudgingly made his way to the bed before flopping on top of it like a dead fish. He maneuvered himself under the covers, all the while keeping a cautious eye on the pink pony. For her part, she merely laid on her side of the bed, staring at the human with sleepy eyes and a sleepy smile. Anon rolled his eyes before rolling over on his side, his back to her.
Anon closed his eyes, trying to ignore the fact that, technically, he was sleeping in the same bed as a woman. He silently cursed his observations and distracted himself by counting sheep. He made it to about 6 when he felt something around his torso and something pressed against the top of his head. He sighed.
“What are you doing?” Anon asked, though he knew the answer.
“Being the big spoon.” She replied. Anon could hear the smile in her voice, a feat most would think impossible if it weren’t for it being Pinkie.
“What happened to your side of the bed?”
“Nah.” She squeezed the human tighter.
“Bitch, I am not your personal cuddle slut!” Anon exclaimed in a hushed whisper. He was only met with light snoring as the pink pony immediately fell asleep. Anon gave what had to be the millionth sigh tonight. Upon the exhale, he only then realized just how tired he was, his eyes feeling heavy.
Anon lowered his hand onto Pinkie’s hoof, rubbing his thumb across her fur. To this day, he still couldn’t wrap his head around how soft the ponies were. It was wonder how they could even stand, let alone build a kingdom. They were malleable to the touch.
“Weird ass horse aliens.” Anon remarked, just before closing his eyes. Moments later he drifted off to sleep. As the two slept, Pinkie sleepily muttered something that had Anon been awake to hear, he likely would’ve thrown Pinkie out on the spot.
“Thanks, Luna.”
Anon, The Cuddle Slut: Season 1
Do ponies pass the Harkness Test?
Let’s see, I am able to speak to them, so they are capable of communication. That’s one. Next, they do possess human intelligence and act very much like a human would, down to having similarly named cities and towns. So, another check off the list. Lastly, can they consent? Well, to my knowledge, they do have sex. I mean, why else would they have genitalia that they so freely swing around like a bag of-
“Darling, are you alright back there?” Rarity asked, her face fraught with worry. Anon snapped out of his inner monologue and quickly looked out the nearby window.
“Y-yeah, just a little bored is all.” Anon answered a little too quickly. He made note of a blue bird sitting by the window sill. The bird seemed a bit disturbed to have a strange creature staring at them, but they’ll have to put up with for a little while.
“Oh, I apologize, dear.” Rarity stopped her sewing to face towards Anon, who continued to stare intently at the bird. “I’m still having a bit of difficulty wrapping my head around your dimensions. It’s not often I get to work with bipeds.”
“Oh yeah sure, yeah.” Anon answered quickly. The bird flew away, likely out of a primal fear.
“Just give me a couple moments and we can get back to the modeling!” Rarity returned to her work, humming a tune to herself. Anon, meanwhile, struggled to keep looking out of the window. There was little to do in Rarity’s room and not much to look at. Well, there was one thing...
Anon slyly looked back in Rarity’s direction, making sure not to stare as he did before. His eyes focused on Rarity’s figure, as she leaned against her work table. At the angle he was sitting, he was behind her, slightly off to her left. From his point of view, he could see a lot of Rarity’s body. Including her more...intimate parts.
In fairness, most of it was hidden by her curled, violet tail. But when that tail happened to sway, that’s when it wasn’t so hidden. Not to mention he could also see what he would believe to be her mammalian breasts, since as she stood, they happened to sag just a little bit. For a moment, Anon understood exactly what Spike saw in her.
This is wrong, right? Like, by all accounts, she is a horse. So was Cheerilee. Yet, they’re also women at the end of the day. So, is this just my dumb lizard brain or am I actually fucked up?
Rarity accidentally dropped a needle on the floor. The needle bounced against the surface of the floor and slid underneath her workspace.
“Shoot.” Rarity cursed under her breath. She bent down to look underneath the desk, using the light of her horn to illuminate the darkness. As she searched for her needle, Anon took the opportunity to really evaluate her.
I mean, she’s not as thick as say Pinkie or AJ, but I think that’s more of Earth pony thing. Even Cheerilee was toting a wagon. But, she is very shapely. I’d give her a slim thick rating, at best. Damn, she even got those...what were they called? Dimples of Venus? Shit, she could be a model herself is she looked in the right venues. Speaking of, do ponies have their equivalent of-
“Uh, darling?” Rarity asked, more skeptically than before. Anon silently gasped, his heart dropping in his chest. He faked a cough into his hand, looking towards a mannequin to his immediate right.
“Ahem. Uh, yeah, Rares?” Anon asked, feigning ignorance.
“Were you just...staring at me?” Rarity slowly rose to her hooves, placing the retrieved needle on the desk.
“Um, I’m sorry.” Anon’s face grew flushed as he scratched at his neck, an unbearable itch crawling the whole length of his body. “I didn’t mean to, I-I was just, uh...” The words died in his throat, as did his soul.
Welp. This is how my story ends. Caught checking out a pony and comparing her with her friends. Yup. Fitting.
Anon was again alerted from his inner loathing by Rarity failing to contain her giggling fit. If Anon could shrink into the size on an insect, he would, God willing. Then he’d live the rest of his life as a tiny adventurer, never to be seen by friends or family again. Yeah, that would be nice right now.
Rarity finally managed to get a hold of herself, placing a hoof to her mouth and taking a few breaths.
“It’s alright, Anonymous.” Rarity reassures the defeated man. “I understand that where you’re from, mares are far more...modest.”
“Well, yeah but-“ Anon attempted to formulate an excuse, any excuse for anyone at this point, but Rarity raised a hoof.
“Ah ah ah~!” Rarity teased, a smirk on her face. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I’m quite flattered, really? It’s nice to know that even to a completely different species across time and space, I am still fabulous.” She fluffed her mane, as if to prove her point. Anon quietly resigned himself to staring at the floor. Rarity sighed, having had her fun.
“Would you rather wait out in the lobby-“
“Yes.” Anon answered quickly and bolted out of Rarity’s room as if it had caught on fire. Or, more importantly, as though he was on fire. He ran out so fast in fact, he nearly tripped over Sweetie Belle, who just so happened to be by the stairs. Anon caught himself on the railings and, even more ashamed, descended the stairs as normally as he could.
“What was that all about?” Sweetie asked, completely oblivious. Rarity let out another giggle, returning to her work. She answered her sister with but a simple word.
“Stallions.”
