Channel Surfing

Chapter 3: Sweetie Bot’s Big Adventure

Tumbling out Andrew found himself still a Zebra, still having the M1 Garand designed to be fired by equine, but he wasn’t alone. Knight Sweetie Pie stood and looked around her in wonder. This was Equestria before the megaspells. This was what it was like green and alive. She’d heard stories about it, and she’d wondered what it truly looked like. Here she could see it. She heard voices, and she looked in the direction of them. In the distance she saw the Ministry Mare for the Ministry of Peace.

She didn’t look the same as she had in the posters for the Ministry of Peace. Her mane didn’t have light gray in it, and she didn’t look so worn down.

“It was a time portal,” she whispered, “I can stop the war from happening!”

She began to run in her armor, which surprisingly hadn’t really changed, “I can keep the war from ever starting!”

She ran toward the timid looking Fluttershy who studied her for a moment before stepping back.

“Ministry Mare Fluttershy!” she shouted, “There’s gonna be a war, a terrible war, I think that I can help stop it!”

Fluttershy looked at her, “Goodness, why would we want to?” she asked, “After all, I am a humble servant of Lord Smooze, and I know that it is his full desire to destroy all life.”

Knight Sweetie Pie blinked as she looked at Fluttershy. It was almost as if her mind came to a grinding halt. Andrew walked up close and watched as Knight Sweetie Pie tried to make sense of what she had just heard. He looked at Fluttershy who looked from behind her mane at him.

“Uh, hi,” he said, “We’re not from around here.”

She didn’t say much but then there was a shout as someone came toward them.

“Fluttershy, ya got ta quick tryin’ ta talk Applebloom inta joining yer cult!” the stetson wearing pony said, “She ain’t gonna worship a pile of goo that wants to destroy anythin’”

She looked at the two of them, “Well howdy,” she said, “And that there is some pretty fancy duds. Kinda wish that we had somethin’ like that when we had that fight with the Shetland ponies. Might woulda ended that whole thing earlier.”

She looked at the rifle Andrew had managed to strap across his neck, “Huh, Equestria Standard Issue, .308 Celestia standard shells, Ah’d figure, ain’t seen a Zebra carry one ‘fore.”

Andrew looked at her, “You don’t hate Zebras, right?” he asked, “Because if that’s the case I can just clear out.”

She laughed, “Naw, never had a spot of trouble with Zecora, other than the fact that she tried to talk Big Macintosh inta riding her round the barn a time or two.”

He let out a sigh of relief, but apparently it was all Knight Sweetie Pie could stand.

“War with the Shetlands?! What about the Zebra nations?! They’re gonna bomb all of you with Megaspells!”

Applejack looked at her, “Oh, when is that supposed ta happen?”

Knight Sweetie Pie blinked, “After the little horn massacre? Little Horn, Luna’s school for gifted unicorns?”

Applejack shook her head, “Luna’s school? Ain’t no school that moon brained princess is over. Fact, Twilight Sparkle dun tried ta talk her out of her Princesshood. Ah figured that was just a fancy way of sayin’ she was a tryin’ ta get that tall drink of water ta do some mighty pleasant things ta her,” she said with a laugh, “Kinda fit. Sure, Ah’d seen her makin’ some googly eyes at Big Mac, but then half the mares in Ponyville all seem ta want time with mah brother.”

“He’d make wonderful breeding stock for the army of Lord Smooze,” Fluttershy whispered, “Such big strong ponies that would carry out Lord Smooze’s every command.”

“Nope, ya ain’t gonna flip yer tail and get mah brother ta follow ya off ta become a breeding stallion either,” she said, “We dun got apples ta harvest.”

Knight Sweetie Pie studied her for a moment, “But… you’re the Ministry Mares. Ministry of Peace,” she said pointing at Fluttershy, “And Ministry of Technology.”

Applejack snorted, “Technology,” she laughed, “Missy, unless that technology is a gonna let me harvest apples faster, or put enemies in the ground better, then Ah ain’t got time fer it.”

She looked at them both, “But it ain’t right fer me ta not at least show ya inta town,” Applejack said, “Sides, Ah figure this way we can see how the cart is a doin’. Ah left big Mac and Applebloom in charge of it, and if’n I know Applebloom she’s dun went inta tryin’ to force everypony inta buyin’ apples. It ain’t a bad idea, but we cain’t have another lawsuit.”

Andrew followed in behind the two of them. As they walked there was the sound of someone singing in the distance.

“Ah whorseapples,” Applejack said, “Durn it, Pinkie Pie is on a singing tear again. Sorry, but Ah only got one pair of earplugs, ya’ll jest gonna have ta deal with it.”

𝅘𝅥”When you're rife with devastation, there’s a simple explanation. You’re a toymaker’s creation trapped inside a crystal ball.🎜

Andrew didn’t see any harm in the singing, and Knight Sweetie Pie looked relieved. She began to move toward the pink pony that was singing, “Ministry Mare Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie stopped, looked at her, and then giggled, “No silly, here I’m just Pinkie Pie. I’m a gypsy that practices time distorting and universe hoping magic, there’s no ministries or war with Zebras here.”

She looked at her, “This… this isn’t Equestria?”

Pinkie Pie grinned, sat on her haunches, and pulled out a crystal ball from what seemed absolutely nowhere. She began to move her hooves over the crystal ball, giggling as she did so. She then looked at the knight before her.

“Wowie! So you’re related to me, like a bunch of times back, and you’re actually related to my sister Limestone, Huh, guess that other me had sisters, neat!” she exclaimed, “Well Knight Sweetie Pie, this isn’t your Equestria. This Equestria never had, nor ever will have, problems with Zebras. Now problems with Shetland Ponies who don’t accept Celestia’s divine right to rule, we have lots of problems with them, but after winning the war against them we only have a few demonstrations.”

Knight Sweetie Pie stood there looking concerned, “So… There’s no war, no mega spells, nothing?”

Pinkie Pie grinned at her, “Nopparooni!” she exclaimed, “Just a really short war where Applejack killed a whole bunch of Shetland Ponies, Rarity suffered some PTSD, and Ponyville gave Applejack amnesty for her various war crimes.”

Knight Sweetie Pie looked at Applejack as she walked, “Ministry Mare Applejack is a war criminal here?”

Pinkie looked at her crystal ball, “Well, she’s not a Ministry Mare, but yes,” she said, “But don’t feel bad! Your Applejack was too! She committed a hundred million crimes through her ministry, most of which she didn’t even know about because those ponies that were supposed to be working with her just went behind her back anyway. Personally, she was really only guilty about not telling all of us that she was gonna have a foal.”

With that Pinkie Pie slipped the crystal ball back into her mane, smiled, and began to bounce away singing. Knight Sweetie Pie shook her head, and followed Applejack and Andrew into Ponyville itself. She remembered tells that Ponyville was dangerous, that it had been a massive raider den, but it was different now. She saw ponies going around and talking to one another, and she could see several of them happily buying items from various stalls.

It was so odd to see such a peaceful place. It was even more so to see it in such a idyllic setting. She noticed a cart with a large red stallion, and she knew who it was. He had been in history books, and she’d seen pictures of the memorial once. It was Big Macintosh and beside him was a little filly that was trying to shove apples in everypony’s satchels.

“Buy an apple!” the filly cried, “Comeon! Ya gotta buy more apples!”

Most ponies were giving her a fairly wide birth, and Applejack was shaking her head as she got close.

“Bloom, yer gonna get us in trouble again,” she said, “Here Ah’ll take over, go and find yer friends and play with ‘em.”

“Okay Applejack!”

She ran past Andrew and Sweetie Pie, and they turned to see her run toward a small little off white unicorn filly. The filly looked different, off, and her glowing green eyes only seemed to stand out. She neared Knight Sweetie Pie.

“Quiry, Are you a machine or pony?”

Knight Sweetie Pie looked at her, “I’m a pony, this is power armor,” she said, “That’s a very advanced question for a filly.”

The filly smiled, “I am designated Sweetie Belle, Sister of Rarity Belle, My friends and I are normally operating the CuTiE MaRk AcQuIsItAtIoN PrOgRaM.”

Knight Sweetie Pie looked at her, “Uh huh, so you’re trying to get your cutie marks, what have you tried?”

The little unicorn filly sat down, which sounded oddly mechanical, and held up a hoof, “Operation save foals from burning building. Unfortunately, error, no cutie marks for setting the building on fire, or saving foals from a building that was set on fire,” she said, “Then Operation Sassy Singing. Success in singing, error in obtaining Cutie Marks.”

“Come on, Ah think we got a chance at gettin’ our Cutie Marks at potion makin’! Ah dun talked to Zecora and she said that she knew a potion that make our flanks glow in the color of what our Cutie marks will be! Plus, it’d be fun jest ta go out inta the Everfree Forest and see if’n we couldn’t get Scootaloo scared again.”

“Yes, Operation: Scare Scootaloo, would be fun. Maybe we could make her scared enough that she would turn that funny color again.”

They began to run off when Knight Sweetie Pie stopped them, “Ummm, you fillies don’t need to go into the Everfree, it’s dangerous, and what about Killing Joke?”

Applebloom stopped, “Killing whatnow?”

She looked at them, “Killing Joke, a plant that plays vicious pranks on people?”

Applebloom looked at her for a moment, “Ya mean poison joke?” she asked, “Cause it really ain’t that dangerous, jest plays harmless little jokes on ya, that’s all.”

Sweetie Belle nodded, “Yes, Identified Plant Life: Poison Joke, made me feel funny. I chased a colt and told him that I wanted his offspring.”

Applebloom nodded, “Yeah, it was a big ordeal. Sweetie had weird laser things coming… Say Sweetie, how did you have those lasers?”

“Error: Memory of lasers removed. We will never speak of this again.”

Knight Sweetie Pie looked at her for a moment, “Lasers?”

“Error: Identify Sweetie Belle does not have lasers!” she shouted, “Identify Sweetie Belle is just a little filly, no lasers!”

“Okay, wow, look it’s Button Mash.”

“Quiry: Where?!” Sweetie Belle asked as she looked around, “Where is self designated life mate?!”

Knight Sweetie Pie watched as the filly’s eyes turned red, and she could hear what sounded like her suit’s weapon compartments opening up. She whistled, getting Sweetie Belle’s attention.

“I think your friend was just messing with you,” she said, “Actually, my friend and I could use a couple of guides. We’re new around here, and would you like to show us the sights?”

Applebloom looked at them, “Actually, being that he’s a Zebra it might be best that ya’ll go with us to Zecora’s anyway. Ah gotta figure that she might want to know that she’s not the only one here,” she said, “Plus, figure that most folks feel better ‘bout three fillies going out inta the Everfree with a couple of adults.”

Knight Sweetie Pie had run missions in Manehattan. She’d been into sections that were massive raider dens, faced down the manticores when they were a massive problem in Manehattan, dealt with Red Eye’s forces, and she would never, ever be considered a coward, at least not until a filly asked her to go into the most dangerous place in all of Equestria.

“I would rather have six ferals run a train on me, out of my power armor, for hours, than step hoof inside of the Everfree Forest.”

Applebloom looked at her, “What’s a Feral, and why would they have a train?”

Andrew looked at them. While they had been talking he’d been going through his saddle bags, and besides the shells he had there had been some other things that he’d collected. Well, collected wasn’t exactly the right word. Some of the former slaves had slipped a few things into his saddle bags. One of which was a package of Sugar Apple Bombs. He’d traded the box of cereal to a pony that called herself Golden Harvest for a wedge of carrot cake. He’d then traded that carrot cake to a pony at a stall with fresh vegetables for three radishes, a turnup, and two heads of cabbage.

He took those vegetables and found a pony that was trading what looked like books, and traded for a complete collection of something called Daring Doo, and currently he was looking at one of the books. He watched as the two little girls, or fillies rather, were arguing with Sweetie Pie. He really didn’t see what the big deal was. If the fillies didn’t think that the forest was dangerous, then why not go with them?

“You’ve both been in there?” he asked.

The little unicorn nodded, “Answer: yes! It was a lot of fun!”

He looked at Sweetie Pie, “Well I’ll walk with them. Maybe this Zecora might have some kind of mystical voodoo that can help us out.”

She sighed, “We’re not going to have fun in there.”

The walk to the forest had been fairly straight forward, especially after collecting the hyper little pegasus. They each took turns explaining the forest, and the creatures, right up until they neared the hut in the distance. To see it from here Andrew was reminded of African Huts he’d seen in old issues of National Geographic. Those huts had been home to some kind of tribe that had been separated from outside influences for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. They made their way and he heard what sounded like beatboxing coming from inside.

“I say, I say, those to choose to roam, know this is my home, let it all be known, this hut is to my friends only shown. But if you start trouble, be wary on the double, as tender as the fresh collected grass is exactly what it’ll feel like when I beat yo ass.”

He stopped for a moment, “Seriously, you rap?”

She stepped out wearing a cape, her mohawk looked well cared for, and she studied him. “Damn son, how about you come over here and help bake a bun?”

He shook his head, “No, thanks.”

She studied him, “Not a pure blood I see, Still, doesn’t matter to me. For I would delight, in having you for a night. Take me for a ride, let your inhibitions slide. For when a zebra you try, nothing else will you buy.”

He looked at her, “Woah, wait, what? Are you seriously trying to sell your ass?!”

She looked at him, “No, it is not my intention to work, but instead you sound like a jerk!” she shouted, “I only offered a good time, but instead you rut-up my rhyme!”

Applebloom stepped forward, “Sorry Zecora, Ah jest figured that you’d want to meet another Zebra. Course, he don’t talk like ya do.”

She smiled at the little earth pony, “Truly you are right Applebloom, seeing another Zebra is a boon, but this Zony isn’t fun, he’s just dumb.”

He cleared his throat, “Not called for,” he said, “I just wanted to know if you knew any mystical stuff that might help us, I didn’t mean to insult you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Is that the little homie Sweetie Belle, I just got to yell, been up all night and day, slaving on this potion all the way. Low and behold, I made it, a cure from a Robot’s hold!”

“Statement: I am not a Robot!”

The five of them entered and Zecora held out a yellow potion, “Here you go little homie, one drink and you’ll be a pony!”

Sweetie Belle took the potion, sipped it, and a moment later she let out a mechanical scream before a bright light covered her. She fell down and groaned.

“Ugh… Where is my display?”

She looked around, “Everything looks funny, there’s no identification display, no targets, it’s just… the same.”

Zecora smiled at her. Applebloom touched her and grinned, “It worked!”

Andrew watched, unsure of what was going on, but backed into a large mask. It fell over and he saw the same static looking portal that had appeared near them before. Knight Sweetie Pie saw it and moved toward him. Before he could say a word she jumped into it, and he groaned as he followed her.

Author's Note

(AN: Been a hot minute, but in truth I've been busy. I figured that after doing a chapter for Sunset Shimmer is a Sex Doll that I would update Channel Surfing Next. Hope that everyone enjoys this update!}