Why The Hell Did I Write This?
Author's Note
I'm so sorry I typed this cursed fic into existence- I honestly had no idea what else to make so I made this... Abomination- XDD Please do not take this seriously, this is 100% a joke. I just saw that most Blueblood fics were him suffering so I thought I'd just make a simp fic of him as a joke XDD
Also, again, I am... Still behind on MLP XDD I'm sure that Blueblood's only appearance is in the Grand Galloping Gala episode but if theres a different episode I havent watched yet that somehow makes this entire joke make no sense then I apologize! XDD
Edit: I JUST remembered that apparently Celestia and Blueblood are RELATED so that whole "Orgasmed in her mane" joke is a bit... Weird now- X'DD I dont have the time to rewrite it now, so lets just say this is a universe where they ARENT related! That and, in the cannon universe it dosent even make sense for Celestia to be Blueblood's aunt anyway so- XDD
Why The Hell Did I Write This?
Spike had enough.
The entire night, he had been tagging along Rarity due to his immense infatuation with her. And the entire night, he absolutely couldn't stand Blueblood. How could someone treat a mare like Rarity with such disrespect and carelessness? Rarity was like a gem, priceless, yet he was treating her like a bit. And Spike wasn't going to sit there and put up with it.
Spike heard the prince bitch once more, something about fritters and dumplings or some shit like that. He really didn't care, he just focused on the verbal beating he was about to bring to the prissy bitch.
“THAT'S IT!” Spike shouted, turning to the ungodly insufferable prince, glaring daggers. “You are the most STUCK-UP, the most INSUFFERABLE, and the most PRISSY JACKASS I have EVER MET! Rarity wanted a prince charming and YOU sir DEFINITELY aren't it! Royal prince!? MORE LIKE ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS!”
Everyone went silent.
Rarity stared, stunned by the baby dragon’s vulgar language. Applejack’s mouth was agape as she slowly backed away, removing herself from the obvious chaos that’d happen next. Blueblood simply stood, staring wide-eyed at the young dragon. This gave Spike the small amount of hope that he got through the cocky unicorn. Until he heard an entire crowd of Canterlot ponies flooding into the garden they were currently in, “Ooo”ing like school fillies and giggling with wide smiles. At first, he thought they were on his side. Finding amusement in the royal jackass getting talked down. Until he heard a stallion in the distance speak up
“YO, DID THIS FUCKING IDIOT ACTUALLY TRY TO STAND UP TO BLUEBLOOD!?” the unknown stallion screamed over the crowd of Canterlot ponies, smiling widely at the stupidity of Spike. Blueblood’s shocked expression soon shifted into a menacing smirk.
“Yes, he did~ Looks like we got another dumbass on our hands, folks~” Blueblood smugly said, adjusting his tie as the crowd cheered at his cool and collectiveness
Spike simply stared, shocked and confused. Like
What the fuck was happening-
Seeing these high-class and sophisticated ponies cheer and cuss like school fillies on crack was beyond baffling to see. Although, Spike soon snapped out of his utter “What the fuck”ness to issue a comeback
“H-Hey!” he began, his pissed off glare coming back “I-I’m not a dumbass! If anyones a dumbass here, it's definitely you!”
The crowd went wild again, screaming and laughing at Spike’s “pathetic” remark.
“THIS BITCH LEGIT WANTS TO FUCK WITH BLUEBLOOD!” a stallion in the large crowd screamed between his wheezing laughter.
“Doesn't he know who he’s messing with!?” a sophisticated looking mare responded, “Why, I’ve heard tales about Blueblood that’d make no one want to face him!”.
“I heard that his penis fully erect is 40 inches!” one stallion said
“I heard that the reason why he’s named Blueblood is cause he has the power to turn other’s blood ACTUALLY blue! Fucking up their ENTIRE nervous system!” another stallion added
“I heard that years ago, he orgasmed into Celestia’s mane, causing it to be multi-colored like how we see today!” a mare said, making the utterly confused expression Spike previously had come back
“I heard that the last marefriend he had, when he came, he thrust so hard that he broke her entire torso, killing her within seconds!” one last mare added
“I- Wha-” Spike started completely confused. How do people even make rumors like that up? And more importantly, how do people even believe them?
“Whilst all of those true” Blueblood started, gently sweeping some of his hair out of his face “We cannot mention them in front of lil Spikey Wikey” Blueblood smirked down at Spike smugly “It’ll scare him too much~”
The crowd went insane, cheering and “Ooo”ing at Blueblood’s remark. Many more Canterlot ponies began screaming words of encouragement towards Blueblood, seriously hyping him up, as he adjusted his bow tie once more. Clearly showing that he didn't do it cause it was actually coming loose, but instead as a way to say “I owned your ass”. Rarity was already backing away towards the bushes, getting ready to book it. Simply no one could know she was associated with Spike in this situation. Most Canterlot ponies already looked down upon her, she couldn't afford becoming a laughing stock with Spike. As she was heading towards the bushes, she stopped for a second. She couldn't just leave Spike there, he stood up for her, this was no way to repay him.
Rarity inhaled sharply and turned around. “You know what!?” She started “Maybe Spike is right, maybe you ARE insufferable, maybe you ARE stuck-up” Rarity stomped her hoof on the ground “Maybe you ARE A JACKASS!”. The crowd went silent, as everyone began turning their attention to Rarity. Rarity sighed and glared daggers at Blueblood “Ever thought that of that, my prince?”
Spike smiled gently, it was beyond relieving to see her on his side. He honestly forgot about the humiliation he was going through, he was just glad to see Rarity sticking up for herself.
Unlike when Spike snapped, Prince Blueblood stared at Rarity with an apathetic expression. “Oh” he started “We have another slut of mine trying to stand up to me, how typical” he said that last part rolling his eyes.
“ANOTHER SLU-” Rarity started, absolutely furious at the asshole of a prince, but was quickly cut off once Blueblood ripped off his suit, exposing… Woah
Blueblood’s abs were absolutely glorious. The way they glistened despite never coming in contact with any wet substance was completely mesmerizing. How toned and pulsating they were instantly made Rarity infatuated with Blueblood all over again. Rarity soon found that she was completely soaking wet, simply from staring at them.
Rarity instantly pushed aside Spike and hugged Blueblood tightly, gently caressing his abs smiling a goofy aroused smile as Blueblood smirked and set his hand on her mane, gently petting her.
“R-Rarity!?” Spike said in shock, just a few seconds ago, the beautiful mare was 100% on his side. Yet now, she was drooling over the same jerk that treated her like shit just a few minutes ago.
“Sorry, Spikey Wikey, but I’m just too hot~” Blueblood said with his iconic shit-eating smirk.
Spike doubled over, holding his hands to his face “OK, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” Spike screamed in pained confusion “ITS LIKE SOME DUMB FIMFIC WRITER WROTE THIS AS A SHITPOST CAUSE THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT ELSE TO POST! AND THAT FIMFIC WRITER WAS ALSO A HUGE BLUEBLOOD STAN AND WAS SALTY ABOUT ALL THE FIMFICTIONS TALKING CRAP ABOUT HIM! THIS IS ALL JUST ONE BIG BADLY WRITTEN SHITPOST MADE BY A BORED WRITER ALIENATING HER READERS WITH HER OBSESSION WITH FICTIONAL JACKASSE-”
Before Spike could finish his dumb sentence, Blueblood punched him across the fucking room cause he had to shut the hell up and mind his own damn business.
Spike sat in the giant crater that Blueblood caused from punching him across the garden, disorientated and bleeding in extremely unhealthy amounts.
“Oh my, I hurt you quite badly~ Didn't I, Spikey Wikey~?” Blueblood said, slowly walking up to Spike with more swagger than Dio walking behind Jotaro in the last episode’s opening. Rarity was still clinging onto him, staring way too long at his crotch, as the crowd watched in anticipation as to what was going to happen next.
“F-Fuck you…” Spike spat out, barely able to say anything due to his vocal cords being shattered like fine china.
Blueblood and the crowd giggled like school fillies, Blueblood quickly regained his composure though with a small cough “You really put this on yourself though, Spike~” Blueblood started “You should've known better than to mess with someone of my stature~” in the background, a stallion screaming “DAMN STRAIGHT!” could be heard. “Although” Blueblood started again “It is sad that you had to die in such a disgraceful way. Defending a woman, disgusting. As I always say, if she breathes, shes a thot!” The whole crowd nodded in agreement, including Rarity, who was still staring at his crotch. “It really is sad that you had to catch feelings for such a whore like Rarity…” Blueblood said as he began pulling up his sleeves “But now, the only things you’ll be catching are these hands~”
The last thing Spike saw before darkness, was Blueblood charging up as he grew twice his size with twice the muscle mass. And the last thing he heard?
“ORAORAORAORAORAORA”
