My Little Pony, My Little Pony, and Me 322: Way Too Much Ghost Sex Talk For an Episode with a Princess in It

“Hey, Ditto, give us that Yahooves,” Juice said.

“Alright, this one was sent in by Yahooves Mailpony Ditzy Doo, makin’ the rounds, and it was written by Yahooves user SmoothKitten. They ask,

Are you still a virgin if your first time is with a ghost?”

There was a long pause. “Is there… more?” Scraps asked.

“None given, nor required!” Ditto answered, grinning broadly.

“Are you still…” Juice trailed off. “I mean, did you, ya know, finish in this scenario? It seems like the chill of the grave on your nasty parts would be something of a mood killer, yeah?”

“I think that for the purposes of this question, that we have to assume this question-asker did at least gain some amount of sexual gratification from the act,” Ditto said. “My question is, what kind of ghost rules are we talking about here? If it was incorporeal, then I’m gonna say that’s a no-go. There needs to be some kind of physical contact… involved, or else it’s just you and your somewhat haunted hoof.”

“Yeah, true,” Scraps said. “Maybe if it was possessing somepony, or something.”

“Something?” Ditto asked. “Some thinggggg? Uh, excuse me! Excuse me, Scraps, but, uhhhh, what kind of thing exactly are you proposing here?”

"I, um," Scraps said, suddenly looking rather flustered.

"Hello yes please explain to me now what kind of thing you were talking about?" Ditto said, locking his wide, unblinking eyes with his brother.

“Um… maybe… a bed? Or, like, a set of socks that it could put on all four of its spooky hooves?” Scraps looked from one brother to the other. “Alright, fine, if you’re gonna make me say it, I was proposing a haunted dildo. Are you happy now?”

“No,” said Juice.

“No,” said Ditto.

Scraps nodded. “Yeah, okay. That’s fair.”

“But now that we’re here, I guess we have to fuckin’ talk about it now,” Ditto said, resting his weary head on his hoof.

“Yeah. Shit,” Juice said. “So… does the dildo float around?”

“Probably?” Scraps said. “It’s probably pretty cold, too, ‘cause of the dead pony handling it.”

“No, now hold on,” Ditto said. “There’s no guarantee that it’s a pony ghost. What if it’s a dragon ghost? Or, callback, a kirin ghost? Do they, fiery as they are, retain any of their heat after death?”

“The chill of the grave douses all flames, Ditto, c’mon,” Juice said. “Don’t try to get out of this haunted fuckin’ dildo conversation that our brother has foisted on us.”

“All flames except for the fire within the loins, clearly,” Scraps noted.

“Or within the heart,” Juice said. “You don’t know what’s motivating this spectral love machine.”

"Alright, fine, let's talk about the haunted dildo, then," Ditto said.

“The nice thing is that it would probably be made out of latex,” Scraps said thoughtfully. “Which is like, an insulator, so the chill of the grave would be muted against your bits.”

“That’s…" Ditto hesitated for a long moment. "I hesitate to call it a plus."

"Uh-huh," Juice said, nodding.

Ditto exhaled. "But it’s not nothing, and it's definitely not a minus, I'll say that."

“Now, my question is, could a whole ghost fit inside of a dildo?” Juice asked. “Like, I recognize that it’s intangible and whatever, but could the entire spirit of a pony -- or, as Ditto so astutely pointed out, any other creature -- fit fully inside of such a small space?”

"A breezie?" Ditto suggested. "Them's some tiny boys. You could fit two or three of them in a sex toy, I bet."

“Well… there are two alternatives to possessing it,” Scraps said. “One, it’s just holding the ding-dang thing aloft with its spiritual might.”

“Can’t imagine that would satisfy the ghost,” Juice noted.

“Two, it’s just the ghost’s own dick inside of there.”

“Option three,” Ditto said. “Full-body possession item. A dress form or something, wearing a strap-on.”

“Interesting,” Juice said. “Also, if I may say, very upsetting mental image.”

“I do not like the way this discussion is going,” Scraps said.

Ditto nodded. “Yeah, I hate this. Let’s… let’s shift gears here.”

“If you were gonna have sex with a ghost, whose ghost would you choose?” Juice asked.

Silence reigned. “Hey, Juice? Hey, Juice? What the FUCK?” Ditto asked.

“Listen," Juice said, struggling not to laugh. "I’m just saying--”

“You were just saying that there would be a scenario in which you would fuck a ghost,” Scraps said.

Juice pursed his lips. “Well. No, I wouldn’t really, 'cause I don’t wanna -- I wouldn't cheat on my wife, not even if it was a really hot ghost."

"Couldn't be that hot," Ditto said. "You said it yourself, chill of the grave--"

"Chill of the grave extinguishes only non-metaphorical flames," Juice said firmly. "Anyway. We’ve entered into a theoretical plane, now.”

“Well, yeah,” Scraps said. “I mean, any ghost-fucking is theoretical.”

“The Yahooves Answer Service begs to differ,” Ditto replied, arching an eyebrow.

“True.”

“So, uh… I don’t wanna push on those answers or nothin’...” Juice began.

“Oh, no. You started this train, you answer first,” Ditto said firmly, crossing his hooves over his chest.

“Shit,” Juice muttered. He considered for several long seconds. “Uh… Marelin Monroe.”

“Booo, that's a cop-out,” Scraps said, shaking his head.

“It’s a valid answer, and I’m sticking to it," Juice said, leaning on the table. "How about you, clever-hooves?”

“Um…" Scraps scratched his beard. "Spear Shaker, the bard himself.”

“Is it because of the name?” Ditto asked.

“No, I just feel like, y’know, he wrote Ponyo and Muliet and all those other romances, I bet he’d have some great pillow talk. Sometimes you just feel cute and you want to have a sonnet composed about you, I dunno.”

“What about you, Ditto? What ghost would you--”

“Slimer.”

There was a long, heavy silence.

“One of us had to say it!” Ditto said, when the horrified stares of his brothers became to heavy to bear. “Any other answer would be audio poison! One of us had to say it, and neither of you two cowards were willing to --”

“None of us had to say it,” Juice said, head buried in his hooves. “Does -- does Slimer even have like… equipment? Does he have genitals? I won’t even speculate on what kind of genitals they might be at this stage, because we’re already going deep into the darkness right now.”

“He’s just a big blob of… Slimer!” Scraps said.

“Is Slimer even a ‘he’?” Ditto asked. “Like, there was never a scene where he introduced himself. The Ghostbuckers don’t know his real name, let alone his pronouns.”

“Ghostbuckers 3 had that thing with Slimer and the lady Slimer,” Juice said thoughtfully.

“Gender presentation and gender identity aren’t the same thing, though,” Scraps said. “And Slimer doesn’t really present as anything except, um. Ectoplasm.”

"It doesn't matter, anyway, we're just worried about the Slimer genitals right now," Ditto pointed out.

Scraps gasped in mock horror. "You mean you're not interested in getting to know Slimer as a person? For shame, Ditto! You're only interested in his Slimer slime? His Ecto-juices, if you will?"

"...I won't, actually," Ditto said. “I… I super will not, wasn’t that like, an actual drink back when we were colts? That green soda or whatever?”

“You’re thinking of -- it's actual name was the 'Ecto-Cooler',” Juice said thoughtfully. “Not that it matters, since now that you’ve put it in that context, I’ll never be able to drink it, or even look at it, ever again.”

“We may have to go on a mission to find and destroy the world’s remaining stock of Ecto-Cooler,” Ditto said solemnly.

There was a long silence. “I… I think we need to move on,” Scraps said.

“Desperately,” Juice agreed.